If someone close to you,who really knew all about you, such as your SO or a close friend or relative asked you straight out: "What is more important to you, the CDing or the family?", how would you answer such a question?:)
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If someone close to you,who really knew all about you, such as your SO or a close friend or relative asked you straight out: "What is more important to you, the CDing or the family?", how would you answer such a question?:)
I have been ask that very question by my wife....
My reply.... "I hope my family can help me find a balance."
As for now it is working...
Beth
My answer is a no brainer. My family. Or more directly, my one and only SO. She's about all the family I have.
Beth, I liked your response to your wife's question. I have not been asked that question by my SO, but we find a happy balance for the both of us.
Family
Job
Just about everything else in my life
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Crossdressing
Most of us already have done it an its not easy but it would have to be the family ,, An that comes with a price also,, If I had to STOP I would but then I would have no choice but to stop dressing an start back drinking ,,Its the lesser of two EVILS ,,,, So make the choice ,, DRUNK AZZ HOLE or SWEET fat GIRL ,,, tAKE YOUR PIC ,,, The worlds not fair ,, It was not fair to me ,,,, So what makes anyone else any different ,, Everybody has something wrong with em ,,,, Just some are different than others ,, What ever is the matter with ya its all on you to make the final choice .
I had to correct your post before someone else did Karen. You left out your favorite! LOLQuote:
Originally Posted by Karren Hutton
Family,
x
x
x
A lot of other things.
x
Cross Dressing
No it probably is not near the bottom.
It is probably not far down the list either.
Family and getting on with life do come first.
It is just an all consuming hobby.
Before I married, I made sure that my wife-to-be was comfortable with my cross dressing. I think we all know what can happen if we repress our dressing desires for a long length of time.
Needless to say, I love my wife of 16 + years very much but the fact is how happy could we be if we had to hide or put off these strong internal desires just for the sake of the family?
The repression would definitely affect the relationship depending on how we could deal with not being able to express ourselves as we need to.
So getting back to the question, most people say family first and honestly that would be my choice as well but waiting for the CD volcano to explode could possibly destroy that family.
I am one of the lucky ones who because I was honest about my dressing before well before we married, my wife got used to the idea and because it was brought up pre-marriage, it gave both of us an out if the situation was not workable by either of us.
Just my One-Cent, Lost the other Cent in the Economy.
I have lost the battle with this question. I tried to choose the family, but they can't accept me. Yes I waited too long to tell my wife (38 years). So the lady wins, which one you ask I don't know. I am still hear though til I can afford another place. I meant no harm to anyone. I just can't go back to being the sad depressed man. Better off a happy lady, which one both I guess.
Since that type of question is a manipulating tool, I'd answer "not sure abut the rest of the family but its more important than you."
Family of course, but if I am not comfortable with who I am then how can I be my best for the family?
I would ask them "Whats more important to you...Having me in your life as a Live Female or a Dead Male?"...cause those are the choices as I see them at the moment.
That's a loaded question, and not one prone to an easy black-or-white answer.
I guess my knee-jerk response would be to answer with a rhetorical question of my own: Who has the right - SO's included - to force anyone to make such a "Sophie's Choice" type of a decision between the two, when surely some other type of compromise could conceivably be negotiated. For those of us whose transgenderism is so intricately tied to their sense of self and who they fundamentally are, deep down inside - who has the right to force us into a position where our very mental health is at stake, and where we risk slipping into a depression if we are forced to suppress such an integral part of ourselves - just because the other party doesn't "like" it? It would not be a huge stretch to equate those types of demands to outright bullying on the part of those making them of us.
And before all the GG's here come after me brandishing pitchforks and torches, the operative word here is "compromise". Yes, I get it. Many of us did not reveal this side of ourselves to you before we were well into the relationship or were married because we were working on the assumption that this was just a passing phase (NOT!). And yes, we recognize that this is something that you didn't sign up for originally. But then again, we were embarking on a journey of self-discovery at the time - much the same as the journey that you are on now tying to make sense of all this and wondering how to move forward knowing what you now know.
But putting a gun to our heads and forcing us to make such a "lose-lose" choice is unfair when other, more middle-of-the road solutions can work instead, and where each party's dignity and sense of self-worth is not sacrificed in the process. In my own situation, I'm prepared to accept certain boundaries within the DADT framework of our marriage. Trouble is, my wife tends to move the goalposts from time to time depending on her disposition on any given day. From some of the other posts that I've seen on these forums, I'm sure that many of the other ladies here can relate.
But the bottom line is that we didn't choose transgenderism; transgenderism chose us, and all we are trying to do is live as "normal" a life as we can under the circumstances while continuously carrying this monkey on our backs. So cut us some slack, already, and enough of the "my way or the highway; choose me and the family or your crossdressing" type of bullying. As the ancient Chinese curse puts it: "Be careful what you wish for, you might just get it..."
My answer, or evasive answer, or non answer would depend on who really was asking the question. Close friend gets a non answer because it is a personal family matter. relative gets an evasive answer because i would figure they were trying to stir up trouble.
The answer to my wife would be to sit down and discuss the reason for this question at this time. Is there something going on in her mind? Have I done something recently that calls into question the family commitment? Has she suddenly developed an aversion to my dressing? After a thorough discussion I would answer, and prepare to follow through on whatever answer was given. Just know that I love my family more than i love myself, but one would cost a lot more in therapy than the other.
Babes
Which family? Because I hate my immediate family (dad and brother).
My wife has asked a similar question.
My answer, she is more important, but I can never quit CDing. Tried it for her several times, and failed. She knows it, but need reminding, I reckon.
The family wins hands down. But, I'm lucky in that the whole family knows and accepts with out question.
My family is the most important thing in my life. There is nothing more important. It’s as simple as that!
You should see my little grandson wow!!!!!!!!!!!
Wow, this is probably to date one of the best written responses that I have read on this forum. Very nice Leslie:) The key word is "compromise". It's the foundation solid relationships are built on.Quote:
Originally Posted by Leslie Langford
I have a really hard time accepting someone's idea that wearing clothing, even typically designed for women clothing, gives anyone the right to make rules and such. When women started wearing men's boxers as shorts (amongst all the other clothing that was male but women wore regardless) did we gain that same right? No, we did not and I wouldn't want to anyways.
I'm a GG but not involved with a transgendered person, so take my opinion for what it's worth. But I think if I gave that kind of ultimatum, it would mean I felt threatened by the crossdressing behaviour as it related to our family.
If a grown man told me his self-expression was more important than the stability of relationships we had with our families, our friends and our kids, I'd be hurt. If his crossdressing threatened the job that put food on our table, I'd be livid. Those fears, whether well-founded or entirely baseless, are what would prompt a question like that.
The best answer is "family" and then an explanation of how crossdressing fits with the lifestyle and dreams you have together. Or if it doesn't fit at all, then at least how to minimize the impact. I agree with Leslie that it's about compromise.
The family. I love to crossdress, but I'd give it up for family, more specifically my girlfriend/wife
The original post was not about given a choice between family and friends. It simply asked the question of what's more important to you FAMILY or CDing if asked by a someone close to you such as a close friend or your SO. It was not written as an ultimatum from just a wife.Quote:
Originally Posted by Abigail Evans
Thank You Brandyj;Quote:
Originally Posted by BRANDYJ
You are correct, except just below cross-dressing, goes Playing Hokey.
Rader
My family, for sure. As far as I know my kids do not know, they have never hinted in any way. I'm currently in a two-year dry spell according to my wife's wishes. She has been at many stages from slightly accepting to utterly against which is where she is now. I'm respecting her current mood but I hope there may be a bit of a thaw sometime soon.
Abby we've discussed some of this over coffee. Family comes first over anything. That said, I hope that if this is as important to me is that the family will be able to accept and we can come up with a compromise, just like I had with my wife.
I know Radar. I just did not want to push it since hockey to me, is like what blue jeans to Karen. But I still love her.
I once went to a fight and a hockey game broke out! (sorry Karen) LOL
Family is always important but ultimatums are never good. Life should not be an either/or. Happiness for all is the most important. Controlling someones life just makes things worse
If Family wasn't more imprtant the friend wouldn't have to ask he or she would be talking to Connie :-)
Karren, you're the last person I'd want to start an argument with. I know better than that. Neither am I the sort of person who tries to tell others what they think. It's just that, well, um, er, it's like this: when somebody looks as good as you do, it's hard for me to believe that CDing is absolutely bottom of your list. Just the impression I have. Not trying to tell you what your life is like.Quote:
Originally Posted by Karren Hutton
I thought Leslie Langford also gave a very good answer to this question.
My own answer will make it clear what my family relations have often been like. If certain members of my family were to ask me, "What's more important to you--CDing or family?", I'd turn it around on them and ask, "What's more important to you? My happiness, or your pushing me around and browbeating me and pressuring me and twisting me up in knots, trying to make me a carbon copy of you?"
Leslie Langford I'm at a loss to know why, when this post was made by a person who I am assuming is a TG, you have you felt the need to reply in such a defensive way? I sense a real hostility towards wives/GG's in your post.Quote:
Originally Posted by Abigail Evans
The original post asked "what is most important to you, CD'ing or the family" not "choose which you want - CD'ing or me"
I find it really sad to read such a hostile post - once again GG's are getting a lecture on how they should react despite the fact that throughout this whole thread not one GG has made a negative or "inflexible attitude" post! How can you expect us to be understanding, flexible and compromising when we get an unprovoked tongue lashing like that?
[SIZE="4"]If you haven't read Leslie's reply, you should. She's already nailed this whole discussion down with a concise and well thought out answer. It just doesn't get any better than that, Leslie. Thanks so much.[/SIZE]
Yeah Scarlet, I like the "does my bum look big in this" one much better! lolQuote:
Originally Posted by Scarlet Rose
Since I dress enfemme purely for pleasure, I would definitely say my family without any question!! I am a widower, with 2 wonderful children and 5 grandchildren counting grandaughter-in-laws!! They are all much more important to me than dressing enfemme ever will be. And FYI, I have been dressing for almost 70 years!!
Can't believe I forgot to put hockey down. Guess its because I only have 2 games this month... It would go just above crossdressing on my "have to list". And just below family on my "want to list". Lol.Quote:
Originally Posted by RADER
I know this could become one of those deep philosophical questions but this really is a no-brainer for me. My first commitment is to my family and that is it. It is how I have lived my life and when I see my 5 year old grandaughter this weekend it all makes sense. I wouldn't have it any other way.
Now the deeper questions about their accepting Kaz is not explicit in the OP question for me, although Leslie's response was great. I have chosen a path of not requiring them to know about or accept my CD side. It may have been a bad choice. But on Sunday, when we have her for the day... I will be the happiest person around. And the choice is... family or CD. Would I wish these guys out of my life just so I can wear a skirt?
Hmm... I don't think so!
Well, the way I see it, Silentpartner, Abigail threw a very general question out there to see what kind of a response it would attract, and I happened to interpret it in my own particular way.Quote:
Originally Posted by Silentpartner GG SO
Actually, it is a rather loaded question along the lines of "Does this make my butt look fat" as Scarlet Rose alluded to, and as we all know, anyone answering such a question with total honesty does so at their own peril.
I'm sorry if you find that my post sounds hostile towards GG's, but I'm the type who calls 'em as I see 'em, and I think that I speak for most other forum members here who are locked into this kind of dance with their non- or barely-accepting/tolerant SO's.
I would surmise from the subliminal message projected by your screen name here i.e. Silentpartner (with the emphasis on the Silent part) that you are the type of SO who is accommodating and non-confrontational with regard to your partner's crossdressing. That is not the reality for many other members here, a lot of whom find that their wives use their guilt and shame over their crossdressing to try to manipulate and control them - sometimes even to the point of being bullies about it to get their way and define the relationship on their own terms.
So within that context, the question of whether the crossdresser would be inclined to chose either his family or his crossdressing over the other falls into the realm of manipulation as far as I am concerned. It is also an unfair question, because unless the issue of the male partner's crossdressing is being used as the basis of a power struggle between the two and constitutes a red herring that masks other, more fundamental problems in the relationship, then there are other ways to address this concern.
And that other way - to my mind - is a mutually agreeable compromise wherein both partner's needs are addressed equally and in a respectful manner.
Reading through the posts, I was going to offer a brief response. Then I read Leslie Langford's post and decided that I could not say it better. My jaw dropped when I read that silentpartner (brandishing pitchfork and torch - didn't get the memo) saw Leslie's post as hostile. Wow.
Something I learned long ago: don't ask questions you really don't want an answer to. Same thing with an ultimatum: don't give someone a choice you don't want him to take.
Firstly, I have to wonder who would ask such a question and secondly, even if I could give up dressing, that's only the outward manifestation of the beautiful woman I am inside. I could just as soon stop the sun in its flight as make her go away.
Wendy Marie summed it up for me. Before I married my wife I told her about my CD activities and it was understood that it was stopping. Many years of stopping, purging, suppression, and guilt took its toll. I became just a shell of a person, numb, unfeeling and uncaring. I had no idea who I was and was just existing from one day to the next. If my wife hadn't insisted on therapy 3 years ago, it's likely that I wouldn't be here now, I'm sure suicide wasn't far off.
My family is very important to me but I am tans-gendered and perhaps transsexual. I didn't ask for it but it is who I am and I cannot stop being me. I tried that and I cannot, will not ever go back there again. I'd rather have them rip an arm off.
My wife has been more supportive than I expected but it is difficult for her. She does understand that this is a part of who I am. I don't yet know how far down this road I am going and she doesn't know how far she can go. There is a real possibility that if I travel too far down this road (considering transition) that it could have a huge cost to me. But I'm sure most people would agree that a live femme me is far better than a dead drab me.
AnitaH
Family 1st, then horses, then sports, then dressing. :) Not always what I want, but it isn't all bad either.
So my wife posted this querstion to me, her or the dressing. stop completely! What would you do?
What are her objections to the dressing?
I've had my Year From Hell of being severely depressed (call it a "mental breakdown" and you wouldn't be too far off.) In the years of recovery from that, I discovered that I am transgendered, and acting on that has allowed me to live again. For me to go back to "male" would be to go back to that living hell of being no use to anyone at all, laying on the couch unable to complete thoughts more complicated than "I'm really sick". Bad enough that I couldn't even look more than 10 feet ahead -- too much information, too complicated for me.
Would you willingly sever your higher brain functions and become a virtual animal just because your family asked it? If not, then why not -- don't you love them enough?
I can't go back to the way things were. It is no real choice for me.
Note: I am only talking about the situation for me personally, not making a general statement.
Quote:
Originally Posted by BRANDYJ
Brandy, as usual your posts are insightful and very uplifting to read. They give me hope.
I would add that the answer to the OP's question is going to depend on the level of selfishness of the individual(s).
I'd find a new SO because I'd obviously picked the wrong one.Quote:
Originally Posted by Tgsara
*finds my pitchfork and torch* ;) lol.. anyways to start off the OP question was asking what is "more important" (as in on your priorities list where does CD or family fall).. the question was NOT asking if you would CHOOSE family before CDing or CDing before family.. so maybe when you read it in that aspect or view things might become more clear when a GG is wondering why such a winded response which is kinda on the topic but not quite cause the post was more about "choosing" and not as in "priority"Quote:
Originally Posted by Leslie Langford
That being said ofcourse a GG is going to be upset if her CDing SO said well you cant make me choose which is more important to me thats not fair.. My belief is family first.. that is what is more important to me.. they are my life my blood my everything.. my husband is my everything.. If your family (SO) cant be more important then a skirt then there is a problem I think.. Many many times I hear you all say "I dont see what her problem is.. its ONLY CLOTHES".... then if its only clothes for you then it should be easy to put your family first on your list of priorities right?.. I know there are some where it goes much deeper then clothing.. and thats when you need to sit down with your SO and have a big long talk and figure out where your own priorities fall at..
As far as forum members being "Locked into this kind of dance with their non or barley accepting SOs... they arnt locked into anything its a choice they make to stay.. It was the choice they made when they decided to enter a relationship with their secret.. and years later their SO finding out or them telling their SO...
So again ill end with what the OP poster said.. they asked "What is more important"... they did not say "choose between the 2"..
IMHO it's the 51% rule. If you are in a relationship and you put the other person's wishes ahead of your own at least 51% of the time then your relationship will probably last and you will live (for the most part) in harmony. Give more than you take. :2c:
Family. That's why no one will ever ask me this question, because I'm in the closet to protect my family.
My family. I will always put them before my own needs,wants and desires.
Thanks to everyone for their thoughtful responses. In my own case, the family was always first and foremost, especially when my children were growing up. Once they left the nest things changed and due to several reasons my wife and I grew apart and my focus shifted. I definately have no regrets for putting the family first and am a Father, fist, last and always.:)