I have been dressing more and more cause I thought it was ok with my wife,but I talked to my sister in law last night and she told me that my wife is afraid im gonna want,to have a sex change and that is not it at all im just very scared that my wife is not gonna be able to handle what I do and leave me please help me cause I cant stop dressing and I dont want to loose my wife
Oky doky....communication is key....sit your wife down and have a good talk with her...have her ask questions and you tell her truthful answers....that's just the starting point. You gotta have good communication in a marriage.
Keep us posted....
Suzanne.
As Suzanne said, "Don't tell US, tell HER!" You're preaching to the choir here!
I've read here on the forum that so many cds who come out have wives that are concerned that their husbands are going to sex change operations. How is it that they know nothing about being a crossdresser, yet the first thing out of their mouth is SEX CHANGE? I read the major national newspapers and there isn't anything about sex change operations --where are these women reading all this business. Or am I just out of touch somehow?
Tell her it has nothing to do with changing your sex if that is so, but find out what exactly she knows about crossdressers. What websites are they getting their crazy info from? Maybe that is the biggest obstacle for crossdressers--misinformation, and not a lack of information.
Your "sister-in-law" told you? This is your problem. You need to talk to your wife. She has fears, concerns, questions. YOU can answer her questions, calm her fears and ally her concerns. It's on you, not her. Just talk.
Yes, you are. BECAUSE a woman has no foundation about crossdressing, something that you and I and most crossdressers have had decades to get used to, a woman will naturally ask about homosexuality or sex change. This is perfectly reasonable and expected given the shock of learning about their SO's crossdressing. How could you possibly blame any women for asking such a basic question? I think you are quite insensitive to what any woman is going through. WEQuote:
Originally Posted by busker
owe it to our SO to listen to any question and answer honestly and not defensively. We're the odd ones here, not them.
Yes, please sit down and have that talk. You do not want to lose her because of her fears.
Good luck.
Rader
Chazity
The old saying goes "dont assume, it makes an ass out of u and me".
You need to communicate with your wife. This is a VERY common and LEGITIMATE fear for ANY partner of a CD'er. You joined this forum in January of this year and stated that you had "recently" told your wife. Right now your wife is scared, the future she thought she had imagined to her now seems shattered AND she is dealing with the fact that her husband has been hiding a part of himself from her for most of their life together. She has likely not said anything to you because she wants to see you happy and she doesn't know how to approach the subject.
EVERY partner of a CD wants to know 3 things: 1. What is your sexuality (i.e. Are you homosexual?). 2. Do you want to be a woman? and 3. Do you still love me? If your wife has not asked you these three things you can bet your bottom dollar she is asking herself those questions. You MUST deal with those questions because otherwise you do not want her to search the internet looking for answers for herself.
I also think you are in a bit of a "pink fog" phase. Look it up in the search function on this forum. Essentially in the pink fog we tend to do things that on reflection may have an adverse impact on our loved ones, e.g. wearing a Tshirt made for a woman down at the beach or the park, wearing mascara or eyeliner or some foundation when going to the shops. If you are in a small town (from your intro post) then your wife will be worried about what friends around town will think and whether your kids will be maybe teased or bullied.
Have a talk to your wife. Best Wishes.
well said JenniferQuote:
Originally Posted by Jenniferathome
why on earth would any wife, thinking that she was married to a normal, 100% hetero guy even consider researching CD'ing? Then out of the blue she gets told that her husband likes to wear women's clothes and she is naturally floored! the first thing that comes to her mind, and terrifies the hell out of her is "does he really want to be a woman?" which then starts her asking the questions "is he gay" and "does he want a sex-change"
It sounds like your dressing is getting out of control because you assumed that your wife accepted all of it , you need to slow down on it and start talking to your wife about it then she will not have to guess what your intentions are for the future , she is bound to be worried as she can see the trend that you are setting " i want more" so how do you expect her to know where it will end unless you tell her .
As the others have noted, you need to discuss cross dressing with your WIFE, not with us. She is obviously confused about your sexuality and intentions (I know mine was) and you need to reassure her. She might find this site interesting but a first introduction to CD from the site might be more confusing than helpful, there's so much diversity here (eg transsexual).
You need to talk with her and gain her trust.
Hugs,
Sandra1746
I want to keep dressing and I want to keep my wife. I want to get a sex chance and I want to keep my wife. Everything in between as well.
Sounds to me like ya want everything and a bag of chips. You really have no control over your wifes point of view and actions and you odviously like every crossdresser I have ever met want to escalate your dressing, next thing it will be every day, in the house to out the door, to shaving your body to...............
You expect your wife to go along with this? Come on I mean really.
Katie
you guys need to communicate....the whole "omg you are going to have a sex change" fear is very real and her thinking that is because you haven't held up your end of the marriage bargain..you can't control how she feels, but you need to know how she feels, and you need to be willing to act on her feelings if you want her to be happy...
dressing and marriage mix, but its totally dependent on what your wife's comfort zone, and its on you, not her to communicate your desires and make decisions on your dressing...
go talk to her...just ask her if everything is ok, and listen to her... then you can decide what to do about it..
look at all these responses...they all pretty much say the same thing..
well gotta say ..there you go again kate..a sweeping statement that is not only incorrect, but mean, and certainly not helpful to the poster. why the anger flows from you is any wonder, but please with all the good advice shared by so many good people here,your negative and horrible generalizations are really meant to make people feel badly. had to step up and say it.....good luck to the poster and yes communication is the key...and the bag of chips....no thanks
Cutting your penis off is over rated... So I've heard..... Just sayin...
Did either of them happen to catch the Dr. Oz show Thursday? The show was good about going into the aspects of those who do under go a sex change, but I think they fell short on discussing the entire spectrum of transgender individuals. If a person were not in tune to the community of crossdressers, they would assume from the show that every man who crossdresses is on the road to SRS.
Your SO's concern is among the top concerns/questions that SOs have when they learn of their husband's CDing. I think every one of us who has come out to our SO has fielded that question, along with the "Are you gay?" question.
TALK, TALK, TALK.
She can't here you if you're telling us and not her.
Not unusual for a CD to tell his wife, have her accept the news, pretty good, so CD thinks WOW, I can go wild, wife gets scared thinks this is getting out of hand, where is it going to lead?
It's up to you to make her comfortable, not her job to make you comfortable, not now. Slow down, and talk to her, let her know you like your boy parts, especially when taking about her. (if it's true)
Let her know it's the new found freedom that sent you on a tear, not that you want to be a women full time. If you don't abuse it, and give her time to learn to live with it, everything could be alright, scare her off, it can take a long time to repair the damage. That's why we always recommend baby steps!
Tina B.
as others have said, if you're hearing this from your sister in law, you need to start talking to your wife. Perhaps, your sister in law was trying to convey a fear that your wife hasn't been able to express directly to you. You guys really need to start talking...and most importantly, you need to start listening.... just listen to your wife. You can talk later.
C'mon Katie you sound like a broken record.lol. Every CD you ever met? There are lots of CD's on here that have never or will never go out the door. The OP just needs to have a talk with their SO and make guidelines.:)Quote:
Originally Posted by Katesback
Im beginning to wonder if you like anybody.
wow just seems like everyone needs to take a chill pill.
Chazity did you realize you did that entire post in one sentence? Obviously you have a lot racing through your head. There is a lot of advice here and you need to read over it and decide for yourself what needs to be done. Examine what you are looking for in your desire to dress and where your conflicts are with your wife.
I always value GG advice in a situation like this because they may have a similar mindset to what your wife may be thinking, but the reality is everyone's relationship is different, their experiences are different and their attitudes are different. You need to take all of that into account in determining how to handle it. This site is a good way to get a sounding board, but in the end it is up to you.
Chazity, I can only repeat what the overwhelming number of people told you: Talk to your wife! At length! Lots of times, not just once! Ask her how she feels! Ask her what she's afraid of! Repeat what she says out loud to make sure that you got it right, and when you answer her, ask her to repeat what she heard to make sure that SHE got it right.
And every few months, check with her again to see how she feels or if she is worried about anything.
It will take months, if not several years for the two of you to get on the same page and it's not going to happen by itself, so take a big leap of faith and start talking!
:hugs:
You must have Xray vision, Kate ... you can see words in posts that are not there. In fact, Chazity was quite clear that she doesn't want to transition.Quote:
Originally Posted by Katesback
Does the CDing ever progress from just wearing panties to presenting believably enough to go out in public occasionally? Absolutely! My SO does it all the time. Does this mean he or other CDers who do this will transition? NO. You've been around long enough to know this. And if you're thinking about responding to this with your other argument about knowing that just about every TS started out believing she was a CDer, let me tell you that not every CDer will eventually believe that he is TS. In fact, most don't.
I'm warning you to please stop making it so black and white, so all or nothing. I can let one, two, or three comments slip by as a personal opinion, but this is becoming a habit with you that smells a lot like trollling. If you can't be more objective, I will edit or delete any of your posts in the CDing section that alludes to CDers transitioning, when there is absolutely nothing in their posts that indicates this. If the OPs did intend on transitioning, they'd be posting in the TS section and not here. Consider this fair warning.
reine...being a hugh fan of you and your opinions, i appreciate your stepping up on the kate issue. it is getting very old....and marleena...thank you too. the poster needs help and advice...they are a bit lost in the fog....and that is what we all do here...help and support....
Bobbie it does get old when every post she gets involved in goes to CD's are going to transition. Heck many of the the TS girls don't transition for health or personal or monetary issues. You know if you're TS it doesn't just happen. It is obvious she is stirring the pot constantly. Most of these threads get locked when she joins in and maybe that's te motivation. I really don't know. Even after all of this I have no bad feelings towards her, maybe I'm just stupid that way.:)Quote:
Originally Posted by bobbie c
We are all TG and we should be supporting each other no matter where we are on the spectrum.
And just what part of the post that states the OP isn't getting a 'sex change' did you fail to read? So next time you run your mouth off, try reading the bloody post first and maybe giving some 'kinder' advice instead of coming across like the Mz high 'n' mighty bitch that you are :Angry3: You really are starting to piss me off in this section...Quote:
Originally Posted by Katesback
I came out to my wife a little over a year ago, she still asks me if I want to get a sex change. You have to re-asure her often and always be truthful.
Chazity your wife does not understand what CDing is obviously. Like the others have said you need to explain to her what it is and how far you are going with it. Not sure when you "had the talk" but you might be moving too fast for her. Like Ricky Ricardo said: "you got some 'splaining to do".:)
Read posts 2,3,5,7and 11.
They advise to DISCUSS this with your wife.
Encourage her to read some of the less militant posts on the forum.
I mean posts with a firm outlook on a subject and less flexible believers of a situation.
Look back into the history a bit.
CDers here are generally more interested in their wives than nightclubbing or changing sex. (That is about the last thing for a CDer.)
Learn writers backgrounds, there are intersexed, bisexual, transgendered, bipolar, transexual, those undergoing hormone therapy, and a whole myriad of psychological outlooks.
This thread has gone a bit off track and other discussions are creeping in. I think you should discuss this all CALMLY with your wife.
My wife is not unsupportive of me but she does like the man in me. Do not lose the man in yourself if you are a CDer.
I wish you well with everything that will be put in front of you.
well said marleena...agree totally...and again to the poster,your wife is coming from a fear based placed...only true communication will help solve that...asap
Kate, why are you on this forum? Is it because of one bad experience with a crossdresser? So now you feel some duty to spew vitriol and hatred at every opportunity? You ae a bigot and hate crossdressers, I get that. But you embarrass yourself in that you clearly do not read any post with comprehension but moreover, you make absurd sweeping generalizations based on no real information. You are not obligated to be kind and the truth can hurt, but if you comment, you are obligated to actually read the post and understand it. Are you capable of that?Quote:
Originally Posted by Katesback
When the ex discovered my proclivity for the female life, her first question was, that," how soon are you going to switch", my mistake was replying, if I were 30 yrs younger and had $40,000 to spend,I'd have answer. Her's was the ex.
Why would women somehow innately understand crossdressers? Doesn't make sense.Quote:
Originally Posted by busker
Why do women wear women's cloths? Because they're women. So if a woman wears women's cloths because she's a woman, and then her man starts wearing women's cloths... what might she think? Hrmm... maybe he wants to be a woman. People that aren't transgender don't understand what it's like to be transgender.
Again... like almost every post in the forum... COMMUNICATE. She won't understand it unless you explain it to her in an honest and respectful way. No one's a mind reader.
Depends if you like it or hate it ;)Quote:
Originally Posted by Karren Hutton
Not to beat a dead horse, but if a wife googles CDing and hits upon one of the threads here about "preferring vaginas or breasts", or "how many of you would transition if you could", or "how much do you think about the CDing", or even the sexual fantasies, she can get entirely the wrong impression.Quote:
Originally Posted by busker
Even if she doesn't read this in TG forums, people in general base their opinions on stereotypes seen in movies, or news bits here and there, and also images of Drag Queens. Admittedly, there are more TSs than CDS who are in the news fighting for their rights to keep their jobs after transition, or this politician or that model used to be a man and this might be why people who are not familiar with the TG community loosely believe that men who wear dresses either want to become women, or they are gay. These are usually the first questions asked when husbands tell their wives. I used to think this myself before I met someone who crossdresses, and I had to take the time to learn otherwise by participating here.
It's just a learning process that anyone needs to go through once they have a TG in their lives and this can only be accomplished with lots and lots of communication, and also evidence that the husband isn't going anywhere even if he does CD. :)
The next time she asks, you could light-heartedly tell her that you got your sex change--- by wearing women's clothes-- and that's all the change YOU NEED. A little humor at the right time can work wonders.Quote:
Originally Posted by pantywaver
Reine, I was assuming that the wife was not familiar with this site and perhaps internet searching, though your point is well taken. Maybe those transition types of threads should be posted in the TS section only, since that is what they relate to. would certainly save confusion for newbies. Printer ink isn't all that expensive and perhaps cds outing themselves could cherry-pick some useful advice from here for the spouses to read (and certainly encourage them to join)--you know, right from the horse's mouth kind of thing. It's called preparation, like one has to do to get a job or whatever.Quote:
Originally Posted by ReineD
While I totally agree that theses are the first two things out of almost anyones mouth (be they male or female) the first question is anything but reasonable. Even if a person didn't have a lot of experience with gay men a bit of deductive "reasoning" should bring one to the conclusion that gay MEN are attracted to MEN and therefore a man who looks like a woman would not be attractive to a GAY man. I realize however that this is pointless and academic since very few people are truly reasonable.Quote:
Originally Posted by Jenniferathome
The second question is perfectly reasonable but only by accident
As to why a person, male or female, would think "sex change", the answer is simple. When is the last time you saw a day time talk show like Oprah, Dr. Phil, Dr, Oz, Jerry Springer or even (and im really going to date myself) Phil Donahue :lol: feature crossdressers?
And If invited how many of you would go on such a show?
RIGHT! that's why!
ALL THE SHOWS ARE ABOUT TSes!
Oh and cutting off ones penis would be a big mistake if one wants SRS (sex change)
I would advise against humor and hyperbole when discussing CD with your wife. Be calm, deliberate, and friendly.
Just my personal experience here,
Sandra1746
Well what I'll tell you is mildly hypocritical because my wife doesn't know but the principle is sound. I've been married 6 years which isn't long but we're over the statistical hump. we all know gg's are still quite different tha us even dressers. She's reacting emotionally to the worst case scenario. Very plainly and specifically telling her exactly what you want is what you should do. Maybe you reinforce it some by reminding her that you still enjoy being a man with her. Let her know that she satisfies your manhood so completely you can be comfortable being a lady sometimes. She seems just as scared to lose you as you do.
You must explain to your wife that the difference between being a crossdresser and a transsexual is like night and day. It only appears the same to people who don't understand transgenderism. Actually, your wife would probably be surprised to know that cisgendered people have more in common with transsexuals than crossdressers do when it comes to gender expression. Cisgenders and Ts's both identify as one gender only, whereas we cders express both genders at various times. Being a cder is an endgame in itself, it's not necessarily a stepping stone on the way to becoming a woman (or man).