I want to be a man but I also want to be with men?

I was born biologically female but I believe I am male. I want facial hair and a flat chest and a deep voice and I want to dress in men's clothes and be called 'sir' and 'he' but I also am attracted to men. I like being in heterosexual relationships with men and don't like being in heterosexual relationships with women. It's like my gender is Male but my sexuality is Heterosexual Female. Can anyone make any sense of this? I mean, there have been other people like me right? I'm afraid to go for surgery because I'm scared I'll regret it when the time comes I want a post-op relationship. I like cross-dressing but it never seems like enough. What should I do? And how should I break this to my parents? My parents have always been accepting of me (my mom's even bisexual herself) but I'm worried they won't understand something as complex as this...

Welcome aboard ,, Just sit back an surf all the threads ,, You came to the right place thats for sure ,,,,

Gender and sexuality are not the same thing. And the flux of being a transgendered person is broad. Just because you are male inside does not mean that A) you have to like women. You could be gay or bi. B). you have to get all the parts the male has. You can present male. You can have top surgery to be more flat chested and not do anything with your lower parts. I believe that there are people out there who like "us" when we are not totally on one thing or the other ( the problem is weeding out the fetishists and the fanticists who just want to "see" ). You can go as far as you need to go on transitioning. And yes there are other people like you. Probably far more than you think. Take your time on this. You don't have to decide it all at once. The Transmen here can help you. (for some odd reason they don't believe like the Tanswomen that EVERYONE HAS to have complete SRS.) You have at your fingertips some of the best people in the world to help guide you here. Yes and even some of us from the other side. :)

Find a therapist you can talk too. The board is great for support but nothing beats a good therapist who can help you deal objectively with this.
Also don't get caught up in labels, male -female- trans, hetro- gay- lesbian. Develop your potential as a person, career, hobbies, spiritual, and intellectual, with a full life you will meet a person with who you click. Then one day you say hey we're not male -female- trans, hetro- gay- lesbian we are just us!!!!!

AnkiPan, I copied and pasted your post and changed it to more or less fit me, a typical male crossdresser. I did this to show you that you are not much different from the majority of us male crossdressers. I hope I got my message across. Good luck in what you decide to do about your parents.

I was born biologically male but I know I am male. I want no facial hair and a nice rounded chest and a higher voice and I want to dress in women's clothes and be called '"ma'am and 'her' but I also am attracted to women. I like being in heterosexual relationships with women and don't like being in heterosexual relationships with men. It's like my gender is male but my sexuality is Heterosexual male. Can anyone make any sense of this? I do and can make sense of it.I mean, there have been other people like me right? You are correct. In fact pretty close to what male most crossdressers here are like. You are far from alone. I'm afraid to go for surgery because I'm scared I'll regret it when the time comes I want a post-op relationship. I would not go for surgery and know I'd regret it. I to want a post op relationship. In fact have one! I like cross-dressing but it never seems like enough. It is for me. What should I do? And how should I break this to my parents? My parents have always been accepting of me (my mom's even bisexual herself) but I'm worried they won't understand something as complex as this... Wait. Wait until you know this is what you really want. You might be in a BLUE FOG, kind of like some of us male crossdressers get into a PINK FOG. From what you said, your mom at least will be accepting even if not happy about it. Hard to say how your dad would feel. The best you can hope for is that both of them will continue to love you..as most, not all parents would.

relax a bit about it. focus on your self. who cares what sex you are attracted to. figure your self out first. then worry about the rest. yes there have been many people like you before and there will be many in the future. i'm a GM who lives bisexually, and enjoys crossdressing. i don't have a hard time finding people to have fun with. keep asking and looking around here. you'll find many answers here. just be your self.

Hi Ankipan. Welcome to the forum. When I first started out I thought I was a lesbian then I realized I was a cross dresser then I was a strait guy then I realized I am Bi sexual. There are more shades to the rainbow then what you see. We have some guys her who are pan sexual some who are into furry's some who into BDSM and I am sure I missed some. As for the parents get more of a idea in your head first then work on telling them first. Getting a counselor is a great idea. You are right about the surgery do not worry about that right now. First things first. You do not need surgery to be a man.

All great advice so far and yes you are pretty much the same as any MtF cross dresser and there are lots of us LOL.
I would see a therapist and get yourself in order first then worry about the other stuff.
Oh I forgot to welcome you!! Hi ya!

UUMMM Tracii G Ankipan is a F2M.

Tracii perhaps this is a great place for you explore your true feelings. There might also be someone who would make a wonderful life partner. There are many lonely MTF folks who are not sure that they want the complete surgery and that might be a good fit for you. Go slow and work with a professional and I am sure that along the way you will receive the necessary advice and insight you need.

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Originally Posted by mistunderstood

UUMMM Tracii G Ankipan is a F2M.

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I know misundertood I was making the statement that she/he is a FtM and has the same issues us MtF CD's do nothing more than that.
Paulette I do have a GF ATM so not really looking but you do have a point and that would be a good option for AnkiPan to explore.
I would love to chat with him sometime and get to know all about him/her.I'm an open book and love to chat.
Me being the lady here I won't make the first move that is the guys job LOL..........Pm me any time if you want I'm here to help if I can AnkiPan.

Hey man, welcome! It's exciting to see a fellow ftm on here! I'm Adam. I can identify with how you feel in magnitudes that are difficult to explain. I'm a bisexual male stuck in a female's body and life. Very screwy things go down. But anyway, welcome. I'd be happy to chat it up with you any day of the week. I'll shoot you a friend request. Myself and just about anybody else on here are all here for you. Ask anything and we'll do the best we can to answer. But I'd love to talk with you about guy stuff sometime :) Anyway, welcome.

Wow, you kind of remind me of my SO!!!

That is OK you are absolute OK.

See these I wont to feel like woman but I wont to be woman, in history I am he – man, and very much he - man, but I have feeling that I like woman very much so much that woman are my fetish, I think it is similarly to you and lot of person hire.
In principle I'd like to be women but lesbian I think it is so with you – dress like man enjoy in that and find man which like that! We - booth gender have two sides.

I have one close friend that is a transman and he always has questions about his looks and feelings so I try to help.
He is attracted to men like you are so when we go out he wants me to dress as a man.
He has come a long way and has been on HRT, had the breast reduction surgery.
Feels no need to go any further for his sexual well being.
He is dealing with it just fine.
He was a beautiful woman and as a guy he is very handsome.You would never guess to look at him he was ever a female.
The HRT made him gain 60 lbs but his body is a perfect male body now.
I kid Tim a lot and pull on his gotee which he is soo proud of.LOL

:)I think U are a cross dresser plain and simple, F to M, but so many M to F's want to pass female and be with women and have no attraction or very little to men when they are dressed. I fall in that catagory and I be lots more on the board do to.
embrace it:)

Lorileah said it best.

In my opinion, your sexual preference relies on who you want as a partner.

Two years ago, my mom married her third husband by a Unitarian universalist minister who is female and married to her female partner , IMO, and we are all family. We all understand each others' needs. I'm still not seeing the sky falling.

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Originally Posted by AnkiPan

It's like my gender is Male but my sexuality is Heterosexual Female. Can anyone make any sense of this? I mean, there have been other people like me right?

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What label you put on your sexuality depends on your gender. If you're male and you like men... you're a gay man not 'heterosexual female.' And there are PLENTY of people like you. I am friends with a few gay FTMs myself :)

FTM surgery is EXPENSIVE and there are a lot of options on how far you want to go. Don't worry about it right now... you have PLENTY of time before you get to that point, if it is in your future. If you are transsexual and you decide to transition, there's no rule stating you have to have surgery anyway.

Focus on being yourself on smaller scales... take little steps... test the waters and see if being a man in public and in your day-to-day routine feels right. Explore who you are and let the labels fall into place later. Don't overwhelm yourself with these huge decisions that you don't need to make yet.

Feel free to PM me if you ever want to talk. My boyfriend is FTM and I might be able to help :)

No, I mean my assigned gender is female but I'm a male on the inside. By 'heterosexual female' I mean I am sexually attracted to men who like women. I feel like if I got surgery (top and bottom) I'd be at a dilemma for a relationship. But I've started thinking about being more open-minded about my sexuality. I mean it's not all about the sex when you're looking for a partner, is it? It's majorly about the emotional connection.

I appreciate everyone's advice and welcoming here. I haven't come out to anyone and it's nice to get it off my chest. I tested the waters telling my mother without directly coming out as a transvestite (because whether I'm transgender or not I KNOW I'm a transvestite) and she said she'd rather have me be a lesbian than a cross-dresser. She said it would embarrass her but she'd always love me no matter what. :( It's most upsetting because she's always been accepting of me when I was in my goth stage or got into stupid teenager relationships. I think I'll put off officially telling her until I actually start to go out in public.

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Originally Posted by AnkiPan

No, I mean my assigned gender is female but I'm a male on the inside. By 'heterosexual female' I mean I am sexually attracted to men who like women. I feel like if I got surgery (top and bottom) I'd be at a dilemma for a relationship. But I've started thinking about being more open-minded about my sexuality. I mean it's not all about the sex when you're looking for a partner, is it? It's majorly about the emotional connection.

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I know what you meant :) I was saying that with the assumption that you are transsexual and don't know it yet... but that's all I'm doing... assuming.

And you are right... it isn't all about sex. But even when it comes to sex, there are MANY ways to have sex that don't involve the traditional "plug A fits into slot B" stuff. I've been with women as a man, I've been with men as a man and I've been with men as a woman (well... kinda... lol... I'm pre-op MTF and my boyfriend is pre-op FTM). When you are in a respectful, loving relationship, you learn to work with what you've got. Sex can still be amazing and fulfilling even if your parts don't match or if one or more parties has the wrong parts :P

What's more important than the junk between your legs is being happy with who you are :)

Wow your Mom needs to rethink that statement.That was so harsh but maybe she just doesn't understand how you really feel?
Have you had a good heart to heart talk about how you feel and does she really understand transgenderism at all?
Have her read some things here maybe that would help her to understand a little better.

Yeah, I think homosexuality is easier to understand and explain than this mix of feelings trans* have. I can guarantee she'll be regretful of her words when she sees that strangers are being more tolerant of my gray area sexuality than her. I'll show her some of the threads from here, but not to make her feel ashamed for rejecting me at first, just to try and get her to understand that sexuality and gender aren't always black and white.

I think that is a good way to approach it.
Its a huge gray area and educating her should be very positive.

Hi AnkiPan, I know exactly how you feel. I'm a FTM but if I had been born with a male's body, I would be quite a camp gay man. I think. Pondering this recently, I think my icky horror of being too close to women to the point of where the idea of actually living with one sounds like pure hell to me might just be because I loathe myself as being 'forced' by society to be one. If I had been born biologically a male on the outside, I might actually have been straight. But this is speculation. I am into musical theatre! (stereotype!).

Yes, it makes the FTM experience doubly hard, what I did until recently was sort of just stay a woman in my (now defunct) relationship, because it was more socially acceptable and at least then I was dating within my sexual preference. Now that I'm coming out (again, I did before my relationship but reverted once I met his family, long story) I sort of dispair that I will ever find a relationship ever (I thought this as a 'woman' as well (I'm not getting any younger) but it was probably my gender issues that were driving my insecurity and not making me attractive to the opposite sex).

I too have a family that were 'WTF?' even though I've said I'm male since 5 and have identified with males from that age. It has taken time but they are finally coming around. I changed my first name which angered my mum, but kept my female names as middle names to make her happy. Recently we had a breakthrough when she asked me what I would have chosen as a male 2nd name. The one I call myself was one on her baby name lists when she was pregnant with me, so that made her happy, pure co-incidence. That being said she could change her mind about it tomorrow and go grr at me again.

I think the first thing to do would be for you to find a support group or find some really accepting friends and come out to them. That's why I've come to this forum, to find people like you to talk to who understand.

Best wishes

Limes

Hi Anki. I think I can understand where you're coming from. I'm genetically male and I'm attracted to women. Now where it gets complicated for me is that I would consider myself female and attracted to females. But although I want the female body you have, sometimes I still feel that I want to keep a certain part that makes me a GM. I don't think I would ever have a full transition.

Just out of curiosity would you ever consider being in a relationship with a male crossdresser? Speaking for myself I have found that I sometimes feel I want to be with a man when I am presenting as female. Sorry if it's a bit bold of me asking this, I'm just curious to see if you are coming from the opposite side of the spectrum to where I am :)

Hiya Ankipan, :welcom: to the crossdressers.com family!

I don't think that there is any contradiction between you being a man and wanting to be with men.

If I have understood, your dilemma comes from wanting to be with a man who wants to be with a woman, is that right?

On the other side (the MtF) there are a number of people who are bi-gender or who are gender fluid, do you think this could be where you are?

Despite what someone has posted, not all MtF transsexuals (which is what I am) believe you have to have full Gender Confirmation Surgery to live in your true gender. It is up to you to find the right balance, not up to someone else to impose it on you.

Parents can also surprise us in a positive way. Have you thought about just sharing with them that you are not comfortable in your gender but are not sure just yet where you want to end up? Do you think they would be supportive of your exploration?

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Originally Posted by AnkiPan

she said she'd rather have me be a lesbian than a cross-dresser.

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Whoa! Stop the presses! Sometimes parents can be so obnoxiously overbearing... I know it's not easy coming out, especially when a parent dishes out that kind of cr@p. However, I'm sorry to say, your mother will have to manage her expectations. You are not responsible for that, plus, it's not like you got a choice on this... like "I'm going be XYZ because mom would be embarassed otherwise". If she's bissexual, she should know better that people are what they are, period. You deserve acceptance REGARDLESS of her "preference". If she brings it out again while you guys talk, turn the tables on her. Tell her you rather have her not be bissexual, you know? I'm not saying you should be (too) confrontational. It's just about giving her the opportunity to understand your point of view, from her own perspective.

Best of luck!

Hi Ankipan and welcome to our community. You are a getting a lot of input from MtF people because they share the issues of your situation... there are times when MtF and FtM have similar issues, and isn't it great to share them?

You are relatively young and with no disrespect at all sitting back and reflecting is indeed a good thing... Rome was not built in a day!

Your mother is just fitting things to her mental model and sadly CDing or TSing is not in that model. My wife once said that she would prefer it if I were gay... she could deal with that!

I am male, well old, wish I was a woman (and wish I had been born twenty years ago), would like to be admired by men and fantasise about that a lot (as in me being female), but simply aren't attracted to them physically... I love women... probably a bit too much!

You are in a great community here... and you have touched both sides - FtM and MtF... Thank you for making me think more deeply today.. I just hope we can help you too!

In my own personal experience with such things I have found that the best way to feel good about yourself is to be honest with yourself and everyone else around you. If you feel like a boy and want to be a boy physically do as all the lovely ladies before me has suggested ask for help or guidance from some of the other forum members here and maybe even google transgender therapists. Love google!! If you're parents are already supportive of you and want you to be happy they will listen to you and ask questions if anything concerns them. But, initially I think they will still be supportive of you no matter what decision you make. There are many people who can't afford that luxurry on this forum because their parents would disown them or do something far worse than just disown them. So my advice is use what you have while you have it or you will never have another chance to use what you already had when you no longer have it.

Angela

There are different levels of acceptance and there also is levels of grief to. My girlfriend was mad about me being FTM but after 5 years we are able to discuss this issue with out fighting. Now we do have problems but we are working on them. About the grief. Parents have hopes an dreams for there children and being LGBT is not one of them. Do not get me wrong. Be who you want to be but think of the grief they go through to. Keep the lines of communication open. Keep telling them who you are and find answers to any questions they have. They will have a lot of miss information in there head and you might need to change that for them. If you can find support meeting like P-Flag. P-Flag has meeting for both you and your loved ones.

I can understand. I am a genetic male but a female by gender, I am attracted to the female form. I really do not care what is under the skirt. I am not at all attracted to a male presentation as well no matter what is in the pants. It is confusing to some.

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Originally Posted by AnkiPan

I was born biologically female but I believe I am male. I want facial hair and a flat chest and a deep voice and I want to dress in men's clothes and be called 'sir' and 'he' but I also am attracted to men. I like being in heterosexual relationships with men and don't like being in heterosexual relationships with women. It's like my gender is Male but my sexuality is Heterosexual Female. Can anyone make any sense of this? I mean, there have been other people like me right? I'm afraid to go for surgery because I'm scared I'll regret it when the time comes I want a post-op relationship. I like cross-dressing but it never seems like enough. What should I do? And how should I break this to my parents? My parents have always been accepting of me (my mom's even bisexual herself) but I'm worried they won't understand something as complex as this...

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Another gay trans guy here. I was also in a lot of relationships as a heterosexual female. It took me a long time to sort out how I feel about my body, and some days I'm not even sure I'm not bigender or something like that. Nevertheless, you can still be whatever gender you want with or without a flat chest. And you can date whoever you want (with their permission of course) with or without a flat chest. And being a gay or bi trans guy isn't uncommon. You're in good company. :-)

I just saw a play where a lesbian describes her constant struggle with being misgendered, despite her obvious and prominent breasts. And there are plenty of men who wear breast forms for drag, or who get breast implants. So having breasts doesn't make you less of a man, if that's what you decide you are. And getting top surgery won't automatically get people to gender you correctly, either.

Here's a little thought experiment: Would you be more okay with which of the following trade offs:
1) Having a flat, male chest and some nice pectoral muscles, but forever be called 'she', (it's confusing because I'd still be dating gay and bi guys, but let's just ignore that for the sake of the experiment)
2) Being called 'he' 100% of the time, but never be able to have a flat chest.

I think I'd probably go with option #1. But that's because while I was having a lot of social dysphoria being seen as a woman and dating as a woman, I found out that more of my dysphoria had to do with my body. Ideally, of course, I'd have a flat chest and no one would call me 'she'. Ughh I just want to feel a shirt against my chest again.

Hope that helps.

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Originally Posted by Kimberlyfaye

Just out of curiosity would you ever consider being in a relationship with a male crossdresser? Speaking for myself I have found that I sometimes feel I want to be with a man when I am presenting as female. Sorry if it's a bit bold of me asking this, I'm just curious to see if you are coming from the opposite side of the spectrum to where I am :)

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Hi Kimberly,

You make a really good point. Who is ever really 100% sure of anything?
I wanted to answer your question about being in a relationship with a male cross dresser.
I consider myself a male cross dresser, because I am male (well, trans male but still) but I like to dress up like a girl sometimes. It's hot! I've made out with other male cross dressers/drag queens, and it's really hot if that's your thing. I think it's called a kai kai? Anyway I really like other men who are bigender/genderfluid/CD. I just feel like we have a lot to relate on. And to me there is nothing more masculine than being so manly that you are confident enough to cross dress.
At least that's how I see it.