Have you ever tried to put you CD self away?

Have you ever tried to put you CD self away? Ever tried to deny you are a crossdresser? Have you ever tried to detemine if you marriage problems are your desire to CD or something else? Are money issues keeping you from Divorce?

Over the last year, I have come out to my wife. She has told me no way no how she will be married to a crossdresser. I have tried to put Steph away. Tried to deny who I am. Trying to save my marriage. Tried to not cost myself $500,000 dollars in a divorce settlement. I think I have determined that my marriage is totally screwed up and way beyond the crossdressing issue. I am finding it really hard to put Steph away, I am who I am. And the money, just screw it. Life is too short to be unhappy!!! Plus our separation has provided me peace in my life. On top of that I can shave, wax my brows without a hassle.

very sorry to hear, it is really amazing to me that so many of our lives have the same threads.. best wishes for your future, hon!

Hi Stephanie, I suspect that there was a whole lot more involved than the CD thing .
Some times these things happen.

CDing is like the Mafia, You just can't quit.

Sindee has never been put away...that being said. I sympathize with your current situation. I can only imagine what must be flooding your mind in idle moments. The money would be a tough one in itself... but the extent a woman who feels she has been scorned will go to can be a trying state of affairs onto itself. Will she try to humiliate you to your friends, family, business associates? It's not a question per se, more like thinking out loud. I know what my mind would be turning over in your situation. I wish you the very best Stephanie and hope that she can and will be mature through these times for both of your sakes.

I've been in denial for almost 30 years and I can tell you that you can ignore it and even be happy, but in the end you will always regret it.

I guess the questions are these:

1) Do you really want to save your marriage?
2) If saved will that bring a lasting happiness that you will be content with?
3) How much is you happiness worth? not just the freedom to dress as you choose but actual happiness. I'm talking true joy in who you are, who you are with and how you are with them
4) If you save the marriage are you repeating a pattern that will happen again?

A good friend is finally after 5 years and 3 previous attempts is getting divorced, it takes a huge amount of internal fortitude to walk that path if you choose it. You might want to consider some counseling for your self, not the we can fix it stuff but a sounding board as to what the correct decision is for you. Good luck!

You have to wonder if it can be fixed. Once the secret is known it cannot be undone. Crossdressing is like being an alcoholic.....if you are one then it is forever. Even if you promise not to ever dress again...and stick to it...in her mind you will always be the crossdresser.

I don't understand folks who stay in bad marriages while their life clock is ticking away! Denial is NOT rational reasoning! Once I realized my ex didn't love me anymore, I never considered any option other than divorce. Sherry showed up later!

Stephanie, I am able to put my Stephanie away each summer when my wife is off work for ten weeks. Of course, I know after the summer I will be able to dress again. My wife and I are in a DADT marriage, which is fine with me. My cross dressing is an in-home private affair. I've posted elsewhere within the last several days my take on spouses who demand an end of cross dressing. Is there other things troubling in the marriage? I'm about a decade older than you. If my wife were to decide to make a demand that I end my cross dressing, then I'd terminate the marriage. Yes, she would get half my pension and we would sell the house, but, at least I would be free of stress. However, I always recommend counseling. But, if the counseling is nothing more than to fix blame for a failed marriage on your cross dressing, then that isn't counseling. I stopped joint counseling for an issue totally unrelated to cross dressing, when my wife decided everything wrong was my fault and she refused to recognize her issues. And, those issues predate our forty year marriage.

StephanieT, I thought you lived alone?

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Originally Posted by Saffron

I've been in denial for almost 30 years and I can tell you that you can ignore it and even be happy, but in the end you will always regret it.

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Yea, for me it was like 25 years but, I just want to be me. I think it causes issue to hold parts of yourself back too much. It just comes out in other places and other ways. Marriage issues as far as I can see are about two people growing apart, loosing a real connection. It can be hard. If it gets real bad as it did for me for a few years ago it takes a LOT of work to come back... never have fully. Sharing the cross dressing with my SO for me, was soft of a... I love my SO but, if she doesn't accept me I'm okay with that... I want to be me and enjoy my short life / time on this earth. I hope my SO is still with me in a few years. If not I will still have lived my life how I wanted to.

I'm sorry things aren't working out with your SO. At least you get to live your life how you want to now :-) Be happy, do what you enjoy, be safe, life is short live to it's fullest w/o causing yourself harm which will make it less enjoyable ;-p

:-D

I was about 19 years in denial (from 13 onwards). It made me depressed and with strong feelings of self hatred. It's different for everyone but I think if you identify this part of yourself as a problem that must be controlled and repressed, it can take a big toll on your self esteem, because you are essentially accepting that you are 'damaged' in some way.

Ultimately your wife doesn't value your marriage enough to tolerate, let alone accept this. I think you are doing the best thing for you both.

I tried to stop once my kids were born, didnt work very well, im much happier when dressed when not so just started back up after about 6 months and finally told the SO about a month ago.

Sometimes marriage breakups seem very hard, but if both parties end up happier maybe it was not meant to be.

Whatever kind of TG one is, I dare to say that it falls short of being compatible with marriage when measured against full acceptance.

Even though the motivations are different, I wouldn't expect putting the CD away to be any easier than it would be for me to "put my TS away" for the sake of my marriage, something which I am seriously contemplating.

The variables you describe reflect being true to one's self, money, separation, etc. You acknowledge there are other issues present aside from the CD'ing thing. But what about love? Is there still love in your marriage or has that gone by the wayside for whatever reason?

Sorry to hear your life has taken such a turn, but there is life after divorce, and even with less money, it can be a better life. I have gone long periods with out dressing, but only because the desire had subsided, never at the request or demands of another, When the need arises there is no denying it. I would be miserable, and I won't do that for the rest of my life, just because it pleases someone else. At the end we all die alone, and when that time comes, and I have look back on what time I had on earth, I don't want to regret wasting it feeling miserable, and feeling sorry for myself for what I gave up. It may sound selfish, but we just don't get enough time on earth to waste it like that. At some point, you have to find your own happiness, and so does she, if you are making each other so unhappy that you are already separated, the hard part is already over, she's gone, and all you have to do is settle up, and then get on with your life. Unless there is a way that you can stay together and both find grounds for loving each other, without making each other unhappy, I see no other way forward.
Tina B.

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Originally Posted by Tara D. Rose

StephanieT, I thought you lived alone?

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I do, I am in WA and my wife is in CO.

Stephanie T, In my 60+ years on this earth I have heard many stories, many reasons and arguments for and against divorce and who is to blame for failed or impending marriage failures. Living apart is not the answer to solving any kind of problem. A good councilor will help both parties sort out their problem(s) and the final decision will be theirs. Blaming a failed or failing marriage on cd'in is not the root cause here, there is another problem or problems lying under the surface.
Being held hostage by a monetary threat does not solve any kind of problem, it only adds to it. You have to decide if you want happiness. No one said this was going to be easy but it does have a way to resolve itself. Move forward seek help and a solution will follow.

Molly

I have never believed a marriage can be broken by crossdressing. While weird, for sure, if the foundations solid, CDing can be accomodated. If the foundation is weak, CDing can crush it. Life is short. Better to enjoy it and try to separate on good terms.

I am not married so I will not have any problems along those lines but I do know it has to hurt quite a bit to know that someone you thought loved you doesn't. I agree with Doc, if you are unhappy there is no reason to stay in such a marriage or to put yourself away to try and save it. It sounds as if there were other issues involved and being a CD just pushed it over the edge.

I think a lot of married CD's should be able to tell what kind of person their wives are.as to whether or not they will be accepting or not and if not, maybe telling her isn't the best idea. I am sorry things didn't work out for you but now you have the freedom to be who you are and enjoy your life :)

Sad to here yet another marriage having trouble over crossdressing.
On to the actual OP yes i had to put it away for 7 years due to medical reasons i couldnt physical dress myself up how i wanted on my own so i literaly had to stop dead now that the conditions easing up its come flying back with a vengeance so much so its brought back alot of issues i never delt with.

I've tried putting it away several times, and all that ended up happening was that I lost a great pair of heels :( I don't think that it's entirely quitable

Can't begin to say how many times I tried to deny who I am. It always came rushing back to me that in order to be truly happy I had to be able to express this feminine aspect of my being. Finally about 8 years ago I gave up trying to hide and deny and came out to my wife. Luckily she was willing to listen and learn and has become extremely accepting and helpful. It's a blessing to have her in my life, but at the time I decided to come out to her it was a decision made with the knowledge that I might lose her. It was also made with the knowledge that I would never be really happy hiding who I really am. I was willing to accept the outcome whichever way it went.
Fortunately for me I have all I had before and much more.

I hope things work out for you...

What is more important to us pretty much always determines the way we go with things.:)

Sorry to hear about your seperation. To answer the original question, there is no and never really was any option of putting the CD self away. Not for lack of trying, and making myself completely miserable in the process and basically having all attempts at putting "her" away blow right up in my face.

Thank goodness it only took me the first 30 years of my life to learn that. :2c:

Stephanie,
I think I understand your question because I am at a similar place in my life. I do not have an answer but some of the posts suggested a sound marriage can thrive while including crossdressing and I think that is true but I find myself asking how sounds is my marriage and thinking the answer to that should determine what I do next. Getting Counseling sounds wise. Remember tosmile and laugh when you can. Cheers Danielle

i have tried to put that side of me away, many times but it ain't going away so i have just recently learned to really accept it. If you actually go in for cross dressing mote than once, and keep doing it then it is really a part of you. Just know that it is there forever. Lucy

I am 55. All my life I knew I wanted to be a girl. I denied it...I pretended it wasn't so....I hid it...I was miserable. I recently separated from my 2nd wife and this kind of exploded. I no longer deny. I love being feminine and do so as often as possible. I hid it and avoided it too long...so many wasted years.

I'm sorry Stephanie. I've just looked up your story and it can't be easy. :sad: I wish that your wife could be more open-minded, even if she chose to not be involved in the CDing. You've been a member here for quite a while, and throughout the years it's been important for you to seek a balance between your male and femme sides.

I don't know why I'm saying all of this, other than to offer you encouragement. You seem like a very nice person and I would not give up on finding someone who can accept you as you are. Take me for example .... I have no trouble accepting my SO's gender expression, and there are plenty more GGs like me, if you'll read all these threads:

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...ccepting+wives

I'm really sorry for the demise of your marriage, not only for the financial impact (this cannot be dismissed), but more importantly for having lost someone that you loved and had committed to for decades. In reading some of your older posts, it was apparent that your wife holds extremely traditional and moralistic views of gender and gender roles, and we can't really fault people who hold such beliefs. A religious belief is a powerful thing indeed (just look at all the atrocities around the world that are committed in the name of religion), and people just can't or won't let go. It is as if they would die without that safety net. Had your wife been born in a different family, she might have adopted entirely different views.

So yes, it is time to let her go if she is still seeking a divorce. But please try to not become bitter over it, and continue to be the person you always were. And have faith that once you are free, your life will unfold and there will be more for you than just the opportunity to shave and wax your brows. In other words, don't retreat into the CDing just to ease the pain of your divorce, but instead go out there and try to meet people who will understand and accept all of who you are.

I've never put Sami away. I've never even purged. There have been times when Sami wasn't very active. I guess I didn't need her as much at those times. Sami has existed for over 35 years and I have been happily married for 25 years. My wonderful wife met Sami well before we were married. She was accepting at first, but I don't think she cared for her very much. Now she is very supportive. I have worked hard to keep balance in my life.

Samantha,
Great post darlin, thank you for doing so.

Been there, tried that! It took me a long time to realize that love can make you do some very stupid things! But there is no love strong enough to change who you are!

I've tried many times over the past 30 odd years but she just keeps coming back!

I have tried to quit many times and it always comes back. When I did stop and put Vanessa away I ended up in dark places and always felt despair. Vanessa is a part of me that I cannot deny.

I have put my cross dressing self away. In someways I might like to cross dress again. I still remember putting on my mom's dress as a teenager, and my sister's bra and panties. It was fun. Due to my families religious beliefs and due to fear I hide the fact that I like women's clothes like I hide many things. Perhaps I will cross dress again. I know when I wore my wife's panties it was fun till she got mad at me. She had told me it was ok, guess it wasn't. Probably one of the many reasons we are divorced now.

I tried to suppress my dressing a couple of times. Once I purged a whole bunch of stuff I really miss now. The second time I hid everything away in storage and hoped for better days. Both of them were for the sake of GGs. I never told the first one. I told the second not so very long ago, and the "better days" have come as a result.

That seems to be the way it is. Once a crossdresser, always a crossdresser! :)

- Amy

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Originally Posted by docrobbysherry

I don't understand folks who stay in bad marriages while their life clock is ticking away! Denial is NOT rational reasoning! Once I realized my ex didn't love me anymore, I never considered any option other than divorce. Sherry showed up later!

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I am in complete agreement with Sherry on this.

I was in the same situation. My marriage was dead but we just kept it going. Why?:eek:
Then something came along to force the issue and I was facing divorce.

6 years latter and I can’t believe how stupid I was not to move on sooner.

Stephanie, move on and be happy.

I don't think I have ever denied to myself that I was transgendered or that I was a crossdresser. I knew from the time I was very little that I wanted to be a girl. In fact when I was 4 or 5 I was sure I was a girl and didn't understand why I was told to be a boy. I did learn early on to keep it to myself as I was teased a lot about it. I was made fun of because I wanted to play barbies with the girls and not play with the boys. So I covered it up all of my life. Yes I did crossdress when I could be sure I wouldn't get caught. But growing up and doing what was expected of me, I got married, had 3 kids and began a career.

I would go long periods of not dressing. Mostly because of fear of getting caught. When I could I would wear my wifes things and when travelling for work sometimes I would get my own things and wear them, but always had to throw them out before I went home. Sometimes life just got in the way and I would go for years without dressing up. It usually ended when I had a dream about being a girl or wearing the clothes and I would just get the urge so bad I had to find something and wear it.

After my second divorce I finally for the first time tried dressing up completely as a woman. Wig, shoes, dress, makeup the works. Oh man was there a door opened for me at that time. Something inside of me just kind of blossommed and I finally saw the real me and all the years of keeping it in just exploded. Although I still keep it secret from my family and co workers my life has changed completely. I have gone out a few times dressed, I am learning makeup, I have lost over 60 lbs, My legs are shaved, my eyebrows shaped and I am building up a wardrobe. I wear only panties now every day under my clothes. I guess after suppressing it for so many years and finally living alone for the first time in my life I am finally allowing Ellen to grow up and have a life of her own. Before this time I only lived alone - just me and no kids or spouse - for about 6 months about 8 years ago. Now finally Ellen has a chance to live and I will not stop her.

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Originally Posted by Jenniferathome

I have never believed a marriage can be broken by crossdressing. While weird, for sure, if the foundations solid, CDing can be accomodated. If the foundation is weak, CDing can crush it. Life is short. Better to enjoy it and try to separate on good terms.

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I agree with you Jennifer! So true...strong foundations help work through the speed bumps along the way.

been there, done that. Forcably surpressed for years when i was young. Then willingly surpressed because i loved my (ex)wife. Only turned me into a frustrated person. Never again...

Yes, thats exactly what I am doing right now. I am still POed at the election results. I cannot bash any real women, but I can punish my cd self.

I have tried quite a few times but now I know what I am and have at last accepted it and have really enjoyed dressing over the last few months. I have some new things that I picked up today and and am going to do a 'petite fashion show' for myself. If anyone does try to put it away it always comes back. We are what we are. Lucy