im torn..

I finally came out to my fiance' about my dressing fully. I have been together with her for over 7 years now and I have been closet crossdressing for quite a few years now on and off.
I hinted to her when we first started dating in which she didnt show any interest. So I decided not to delve into it too much at that time since we were really fresh into our dating. Then about three years in she found a site of CD fiction I had looked at and confronted me about it which at that time I told her that crossdressing is something that fascinates me and I love the feel of the feminine materials. Once again she was pretty against it, so i tried to surpress my dressing but once again it came back. I did it behind her back and felt really bad about it but didnt know how to come clean and tell her. The relationship continued to move forward and I proposed to her this past summer.
about a month ago I finally was able to come clean with her and tell her that i had been dressing on and off for years and that i fully dress with makeup and everything, i told her that i wanted to be completely honest with her and not hide anything from her. So i told her i frequented this site and that i go on cam chat occasionally. Things were extremely dicey for a few days because i didnt know if i was going to lose her because of my secret. we finally were able to talk about it and said that we didnt want to lose each other however she cannot support me wanting to dress and doesnt want me to at all. I told her the best i can offer is that i will no longer hide it from her and do it behind her back, i would let her know if the urge to dress came about. Well i have been trying to surpress it, but i have been having these slightly nagging urges to dress and as hard as it was for me to come clean to her before, its just as hard to tell her im having these urges. i will continue to try to surpress this but i had to air out how i was feeling. its really sad.

i know keeping the secret originally wasnt fair for her but as you know it is an extremely difficult thing to bring up.

im torn...

I hate saying this but surpressing it will only cause stress. I have been dressing for many years now and I am lucky that my wife accepts it.

Kim, give it some time but don't let the conversation completely stop. Sooner or later you'll talk again. Try to evoke her feelings and delve into the reasons behind them. Not that you try to change her feelings, but to show you are interested in how your revelation affects her.

We can't change who we are.

As someone who's been married and divorced, (the divorce had NOTHING to do with dressing), my best advice to u is:

DON'T MARRY THIS WOMAN NOW! Until she accepts u for who u r, it WON'T WORK!

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Originally Posted by docrobbysherry

DON'T MARRY THIS WOMAN NOW! Until she accepts u for who u r, it WON'T WORK!

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I second this. She needs to understand, without any shadow of doubt, that CDing is not a choice for you. If it were, you would have stopped the first time that she voiced her disapproval.

You and she may come to an understanding where you can express yourself without her involvement. But please try to make it clear to her that this is not something you foresee going away, it will not dissipate after the wedding in fact your needs stand to increase over time according to everyone else's story here. If she cannot come to understand that you have a need to express femininity whether she chooses to be involved with it or not, then the two of you are setting yourselves up for a bumpy ride in the future.

Couldn't say it better the Reine. Suppressing it is what causes the urges and the longer you go suppressing it the stronger the urges will be.

Maybe through talking with her she will join here to learn?

Suppression, as opposed to limiting yourself within boundaries, will only build resentment and depression in my opinion. Resentment is a powerful, negative force that builds over time. You need to find a way that neither of you will resent the other over this.

I tend to agree with the majority here. See if you can arrive at some sort of agreement that gives you time to dress. If you try to bury the urge it will explode in your face.

Good advice secrets will destroy your relationship but I feel that not being able to be who you are is just as damaging to the relationship. I think more conversation is needed, boundaries will need to be set, think about introducing he to the loved ones section or just the forum in general, that's what worked for my wife, she thought it was going to go beyond just dressing till she became more educated. Please keep posting and keep us informed, and anything I can do let me know btw your pic looks really good

I'm probably going to get hammered for this, but I'm a big girl (no pun intended, well actually it is a pretty good pun), so go ahead and let me have it. I've been dressing for years; it is a complete secret from all my family; one of these days I might regret it; but for now, I have no intention of revealing this part of me to anyone who is related to me, especially my wife. I can live with the secret much easier than I could live with the aftermath of "coming clean" with some really wonderful people who would not understand on any level. But that's just me.

Who among us does not have secrets? If you think you are totally transparent, you are only fooling yourself.

I suspect if you can't be your full self you may come to resent her. Don't cheat yourself out of a relationship with someone who loves you for being you.

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Originally Posted by docrobbysherry

As someone who's been married and divorced, (the divorce had NOTHING to do with dressing), my best advice to u is:

DON'T MARRY THIS WOMAN NOW! Until she accepts u for who u r, it WON'T WORK!

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And as someone who's been married and divorced, and the divorce had EVERYTHING to do with the dressing, I give the same advice. If she can't handle the crossdressing now, all you can do is hope she will see all the great things about you that she will be losing. Women virtually never change from not liking crossdressing into fans of the behavior.

Yep. I know it.
Sorry to hear about your situation. :sad:

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Originally Posted by LaraPeterson

I'm probably going to get hammered for this, but I'm a big girl (no pun intended, well actually it is a pretty good pun), so go ahead and let me have it. I've been dressing for years; it is a complete secret from all my family; one of these days I might regret it; but for now, I have no intention of revealing this part of me to anyone who is related to me, especially my wife. I can live with the secret much easier than I could live with the aftermath of "coming clean" with some really wonderful people who would not understand on any level. But that's just me.

Who among us does not have secrets? If you think you are totally transparent, you are only fooling yourself.

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Lara,
I totally understand your point. But, don't think it will help MsKimiko, because the cat's already out of the bag. Even if she can suppress those CD feelings, her SO will surely constantly suspect and may interfere with their intimacy. I know that's what happened with my (soon to be) ex-wife. She knew about my tendencies 6 years into the marriage. But, I did a good job to suppress them. Only happened few times. But, as I got older, kids moving out, inhibitions diminished and dressing became so strong I couldn't suppress. Then, I inappropriate introduced it to her. (boy, if I knew about this site back then, I may have done things much smarter). Anyway, she stopped buying pretty lingerie, taking care of her own body, and lost intimacy in FEAR that it would give me urges. I told her that was not the case. I didn't know exactly what triggered the urges. But, it certainly wasn't anything she was or wasn't doing. It didn't matter. So, I did everything I could to stop dressing: religion, marriage counseling, Sex Anonymous, going to extreme machismo.... I was preparing for hypnotherapy, when she decided to find a "real man" after 27 years of marriage. I know my CDing wasn't the only issue. Regardless, it's the one thing she latched on to, because it's the one thing I could not fix.

MsKimiko,
If your fiance' did not already know, I would consider Lara's advice. But, since she knows, she's either going to have to 100% accept the complete you, or your chances for a lifelong marriage are very small. Especially in today's society where the divorce rate is nearly 75%.

Give it time! So glad to hear that you trusted her enough to tell her. That's the first step, and you did it on your terms and didn't wait to get "caught".

Also cool that this your 700th post!

My wife was extremely accepting, and it's still a roller-coaster ride even though we're getting close to a year now. You never know how she is going to grow and adapt.

Meghan

Im sorry to hear that! :( Just give her some time so she can gather her thoughts. Let her know that she has a man who cares for her and loves everything about her. Also let her know that dressing up is a great part of your life, your personality as well as self expression which makes you, YOU, and she MUST understand that.

And I agree with Reine.
Its a tough situation for the both of you. I wish you both the best and find a way to make it work.
XOXO
-Monique

I think you will have to come clean eventually otherwise you are in for an unhappy existence.
Find ways to show her that CDing is not as weird as she may perceive.

You've tryed to supress,,, it comes back, time and time again. I think we've all been there. It is a part of you, and there's nothing that can be done about it. She needs to acept you for who you are. That's the hard reality of it.
You're going to have to tell her straight up, you can't quit. HOWEVER.... You idiea of beeing open about it is good!
My last SO was aginst my Wynonna side... So,,, Here's what I did,,, I just told her "hey, I need some Wynonna time today." That way she could find somthing else to do with one of her freind Sue. (name changed to protect the guilty)
When we split up (mostly over money issues) I vowed to myself, I would be up front with my next prospect from day 1... Everyone I met after that, I screaned on this issue before the first date. Of course when I met my Polar Bear, I was actualy Sarah Palin for Holoween that year... I didn't have to say anything. She observed from the start that I was "to good for this to be just a Holoween thing"....

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Originally Posted by LaraPeterson

I'm probably going to get hammered for this, but I'm a big girl (no pun intended, well actually it is a pretty good pun), so go ahead and let me have it. I've been dressing for years; it is a complete secret from all my family; one of these days I might regret it; but for now, I have no intention of revealing this part of me to anyone who is related to me, especially my wife. I can live with the secret much easier than I could live with the aftermath of "coming clean" with some really wonderful people who would not understand on any level. But that's just me.

Who among us does not have secrets? If you think you are totally transparent, you are only fooling yourself.

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Nonsense, Lara! There should be no flaming for that comment. There may be WAY MORE secret closet dressers here than any other kind! I'm a big proponant of closet only dressing. Considering all the POSSIBLE dangers and hassles of going out dressed? I'm quite happy to eat out and shop in drab!

However, it's natural for people, including CDs, to change what they want over time. If u'd have told me 4 years ago I'd be going out regularly to CD conventions and dressed to meet other girls around the area, I've have said you're crazy! But, that was BEFORE I had met other dressers and found out what exceptional and fun people they r!

So, what u, Kimiko, or what any CD will want years from now is purely a guess! And, THAT'S the big danger in not telling an SO. When you're a closet CD and suddenly want more!

We are back to the old should I tell her or not question. I look at it this way, you have a wasps nest in your garage, if you take care of it while it is small, you might get stung once. The longer you wait, the bigger the nest becomes, and therefore the greater the chances of getting stung several times. Ignoring a problem is not an answer to anything, secrets usually become a problem just by there very nature, they are secrets. Something that gets smaller over time, is not a real problem, Real problems, or secrets, only get bigger the more time passes.

MsKimiko, trying to suppress CDing is like trying to stop the tide from coming in. Sometimes the tide rises 10 feet, other times the tide rises 25 feet, your fiance' is asking you to do something that you admit you can't do, as in stopping. You need to get communicating with her to either work it out or........ you fill in the blank.

thank you all for your valuable input. i know its not healthy for me to surpress it and i do not want to resent her because of it. i am taking time in hopes that we can have a few more less intense conversations about it before i try to push too much more.

i know this is the woman i want to marry and i hope she feels the same way about me. but you are all correct that i need to make sure that if this is something that doesnt go away that we can come to some sort of agreement or compromise

all of your kind words are priceless to me

thank you again

Good for you Ms. You already did the most important thing that is right for you by telling her. You want to be open with her about everything and shared this part of you with her. That alone takes inner strength.

It may not seem it now, and may even seem like it was the wrong thing to do if you both don't stay together in the long run but no matter what, you will be grateful that you did somewhere down the road. The communication has started so let it take it's course. Just keep being open and honest no matter how hard it gets. That is what is missing in way to many relationships of all kinds and perhaps she will come to realize that being honest is who you are.

:)

You know it will never go away so if the two of you are going to share a life together she needs to understand CDing. My wife and I are going to a gender therapist for couples counseling. My wife was already accepting but going to counseling is helping her understand me being transgender.

Let her know it's a part of you and you can't just give it up. My wife wasn't sure about it at first (we weren't married at the time). Slowly she wanted to see more, then when she saw me dressed it was no big deal. I'm not saying this will be the way it goes for you, but as long as she knows it won't go away she may be ok with it in time.

A lot of good advice here. Mayby reading "My Husband Betty" would be a start for you and THEN asking your fiance to read it as well. The intersting thing about the relationships I have been reading here, it seems that the ones who disclose first mostly thrive, the ones who don't disclose tend to end up on the 'rough road to break up' . The good thing is she is'nt running , and you are being honest. Keep talking and we will keep our finger crossed.

Well I hate to say this but your setting yourself up for failure. I tried so many time's when I was younger to fight the urge. It really doesn't go away, we are stuck with this forever, maybe time will be the answer and don't push the issue but don't drop the issue either. The relationship is going to go through a big test and if there's true love there it will get stronger, but I would be fair to her and tell her that she can sit on this as long as she wants and explain it is not just going to go away. I wish you the best and hope you keep us updated and hope it's all good news.

Is dressing part of your identity or is it just something you do once in a while? If this is really a big part of your life, you have some tough issues. If its something you like to do, but don't have to and can go months without it, you re more likely to find some common ground. It sounds like eveyrthing else in the relationship is good, just dressing causing issues, so you really need to examine what you really need.