I have a little problem.

I was hoping I could get some advice on a situation that's developed in my life.

I will begin by saying that my SO is supportive, to the extent that she accepts and encourages me to be who I am. Now the other day she came to me with a problem. To cut a long story short she told me she is more attracted to Kim than the male me. I just don't know what to do. I don't even know how to talk about it. It's just sitting there on my mind and I have no idea what to do with it. It's possible it could lead to a future transition. But if it did, it's a one way street. If she wanted the male back it couldn't happen. That worries me. But she prefers me as Kim. Is it possible she is falling for my femme side?
Have any of you been through this? A female friend suggested I ask here what some of you might think of it. Maybe it would help.

Hopefully I can get some clarity.

There's a good chance that she's having a little infatuation with Kim. If so, she should be over it soon. However, if it goes deeper than that, a good long talk about what she expects would be in order.

How is this a problem? So she likes your femme side. Assuming this is a legit thread and not one of those "that summer at my aunt's house" threads, you are pretty much living the dream of most CDs

Not sure how to ask this delicately, so here goes; define "attracted" - do you mean physically, sexually, relationally?

Does she like you because you seem to be a different person when dressed? Are you nicer, more patient and gentle? We need more info, Kimberly.

Another question, you seemed to imply that if she wanted, you would transition. I have to say that for something as major as that, the motivation should come from the inside, and not someone else. As you said, it is a one-way street. Being on that street because of the 'directions' of another isn't exactly the best way to get anywhere.

Kathi

The only time my wife seems to like my male side is in bed ! I know she enjoys my being her housemaid and dooing all the cooking etc. She says I am a great cook !

Sounds like a great reason for a counselor right away. And if needed demand "as Kim" not your male self. My guess is that you just did not see this coming in to the relationship. If this story is true then the relationship will never go very far without some kind of help. She has a great deal of emotional baggage to deal with that will consistently get in the way of a quality, balanced relationship. Being a great cook is hardly the basis of a balanced relationship. Your dressing as Kim is only a way for her to avoid dealing with those issues.

My guess is we all know about avoidance and denial of certain emotions to some extent.

I think that's normal actually. I once had a girlfriend in college that became extremely aroused when looking at the woman on woman action on the naughty movies. There was a statistic that even pointed out that a small percentage females (I think it was 30% but I forget) fantasize about it while about 10% or so of those women actually act upon them.

I believe your girl has the cake and wants to eat it too; which isn't so bad I believe.

Whether or not this is something bigger... who knows unless you're truly worried about it and wish to seek more professional help.

In my opinion, and I'm only saying this tongue in cheek - this may be the price you pay for looking too good as your femme self... you've actually attracted your own gf!

Hi Kimberly,

It's a difficult one, but as others have said here, any future transition should only happen because you feel that it's the right thing for you, and only you. If you ended up going down that 'one way street' and regretted it, you'd quite quickly start to resent your SO.

I would certainly give this a good deal of time; the upside for you here is that you get to spend a lot of time as Kim with her whilst you both figure out your feelings. It might be a year down the line she realises that she wants a future with a husband and children, or she might feel even more strongly that she wants a girlfriend. Keep the communication going and talk about it as much as possible.

Rachel X

Is she saying that because she sees a warmer, more compasionate, understanding, patient, person when you are en femme? It may simply be she finds you moe pleasant when en femme. Now if you are talking sexually, well that could be construed as a bonus.Best to simply ask her more about her feelings.

Hi,

This encouragment to be who you are.... well who are you then. & do you really know, a remark of tranistion or could lead to .

brings the ? to mind is you really dont know wether your male or wonting to live as a woman. or is this a game on for a while then what. for me there seems to be a few details missing & would this relastionship last . a real relastionship is based on trust . time you both work through this miner hickup & be really up front with what you both need

& how you really need to spend your lives together & how, as male & female giveing each other the love companingship you both need in being to gether or maybe in another way, that may not be male & female,

This is... not... something to be taken lightly, is this about Kim or who you really are as a person. being Kim may be nice liveing as a woman is far different than you may think. or even know,

its back to the drawing board sit down & talk this through.

...noeleena...

I'm going to mostly echo what the others have said here and mention that you should only transition if you feel that's who you truly are, not because your girlfriend might prefer it. And that goes for how much time you spend as Kim too, be Kim when you feel like it and don't when you don't. Tbh if I was in your situation I wouldn't find it a problem lol, I think most of us on here would prefer our SO's to like us more when we're en femme

Try being Kim a little more often, without saying anything.
Do not bring up the subject of transitioning or being more feminine than what she desires at the moment.
Regulate your dressing to please her and it will all appear natural.
I for instance can now go outside or home and drive tho the shopping centre without a comment being passed.
I make no comment like "Do you mind ?" or anything like that.
Just do it naturally.
If she starts to get cld feet again you can easily back off to suit the mood.
Do not push the boundaries, one day she may like you to have real boobs, then do something about it.
In the meantime there is a lot of living to do and you have been given an opportunity to express yourself.
As Ru Paul would say, "Don't fluff it up"

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Kimberlyfaye

I was hoping I could get some advice on a situation that's developed in my life.

I will begin by saying that my SO is supportive, to the extent that she accepts and encourages me to be who I am.
A female friend suggested I ask here what some of you might think of it. Maybe it would help.

Hopefully I can get some clarity.

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Have we got answers! Always! It is your female personna that your wife is RIGHT NOW enjoying,like others have said.Perhaps it is quite a contrast to your boy self...Put on your big girl panties and enjoy it for as long as it lasts.Serious changes have no genuine foundation to support it. Stick with looking and being thoughtful and nice to her as she is wonderful to be that happy with you!

Well that's not so bad.There are time's when my wife and I are talking and she tells me to get dressed, when I ask her what she's talking about I am the same person. She say's when I am dressed I am a hole different person, easier to talk to and much more calm and happier. I guess she enjoys the best of both worlds.

I think the relevant question to ask is if she likes Kim's penis.

At this point you are lucky and probable the envy of many on here. The transition part is probable a fantasy in your head. She probable just likes you dressed or did she say something about transition. That is a whole new realm to go through, Like many said transition is something you should go through for yourself and not for some one else.

I would think in terms of taking time and explore this. No need to jump into transition yet, just ride it out and see where it takes you. Give her Kim as much as you both feel comfortable and see where it takes you. No need to hurry. Remember transition is something you do when it becomes impossible not to do so, not just because it will make someone else happy.

Perhaps your SO is exhibiting signs of having a lesbian tendency and thus is discovering a side of her which prefers females. This is reasonable, in that you have demonstrated to her that you have a femme side. Talk with one another and if necessary seek counseling, is what I'd suggest. I wish you both good luck with this. It may all be for the better for you both.
Di

I don't see a problem here. Kim is you, just as much or more than your male aspects. The fact that she's attracted to you as a woman is a positive in that you can fulfill her emotional and physical needs either way. It doesn't mean that you have to transition, but it does meant that if you choose to go that direction you're likely to have a supportive partner.

First off, my wife likes me much more as a woman. She's was behind me going full time all the way. We just get along better.
Much more to the point, it's totally moot to say 'someone else may want me to transition. This is NOT something you can just do. In your first therapy session your shrink will see right thru' it, and that's just the first of a hundred hoops you have to jump thru'. Those who want to transition have known it all their lives, struggled with it, a usually been miserable about it.
I very much doubt any of the threads that start 'I just bought a pair of panties and think maybe I should transition', are real, or ever progress beyond that point.
If you, yourself, absolutely know, without a smidgeon of doubt, that you are 100% transgender, you may start a lifetime journey to transition. Your wife may love the woman you become in about ten years, if all goes according to plan. Just the way I see it-Celeste

I agree with most of what everyone else has stated. Transitioning is a huge step and should be only looked at if YOU have always felt you were born into the wrong body, not based upon anyone elses opinions, even your wifes. To please your wife, you may want to dress more often, maybe full time at home and see what she thinks about it in a weeks to a months time. She may do a 180 on it.

It is an interesting situation.

Fortunately its not something you have to decide immediately nor to you have to set upon an irrevocable path. First give both of you some time to think and talk this through. Then you must decide what is right for you. Don't do anything just for your SO. Its your life and you need to be comfortable in it. Now it may turn out that her desires and yours are perfectly in sync. If so, then go for it.

Keep in mind that the path to transitioning is a long one with many steps, and check points, along the way.

Wow I didn't expect this many responses. Thanks for all of them.
I've had a little time to think now.

Di, you have hit the spot. She does have lesbian tendancies. She is quite curious. Now as for myself I would not transition just for her. But it is something I would possibly do. I know how I feel about it, I just want to make sure she knows what it means. I don't want her to get a few years down the line and realise she misses the male. I know, a transition would be a long way off though. I'm not that different as Kim. She loves me the way I am but I think she is just having a curious moment. Not knowing where your life is leading or where you stand in the world isn't nice. I think that's what is going on. Maybe her curiosity at this point in time isn't helping.

I would agree a talk is needed. I'm going to sit down with her next time I can and talk.

Thank you again for all these replies. It means alot knowing I can get advice from all of you.

There really is not a rush to judgement here. Ok, so she enjoys Kim, and that's great. You enjoy Kim too, else you wouldn't be where you are. There are many levels of "transition" and it would certainly be fun to begin the trial-and-error process of letting Kim take over more and more of the time and emotional space that once belonged to your male side. I presume you still work as a male so you do have some designated male time, and that can be a buffer of sorts.

In fact, the whole nature of having a feminine self, and letting that self exist to understand her, is bound to be attractive! After all, your wife now has a spouse who is very much trying to understand everything from a woman's perspective...to walk in her shoes as the metaphore goes. And if there are some girl/girl fantasies/tendencies, look how safe you are making it for her to live these out! What's not to be attractive! :)

The key here is going to be honest communication, and not just from you. She will have to come to grips with her own thoughts and desires and be willing to be up front with them. If that happens, and if your love for each other is strong, you could find yourself in a nervana few on this forum could imagine!

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Kimberlyfaye

Wow I didn't expect this many responses. Thanks for all of them.
I've had a little time to think now.

Di, you have hit the spot. She does have lesbian tendancies. She is quite curious. Now as for myself I would not transition just for her. But it is something I would possibly do. I know how I feel about it, I just want to make sure she knows what it means. I don't want her to get a few years down the line and realise she misses the male. I know, a transition would be a long way off though. I'm not that different as Kim. She loves me the way I am but I think she is just having a curious moment. Not knowing where your life is leading or where you stand in the world isn't nice. I think that's what is going on. Maybe her curiosity at this point in time isn't helping.

I would agree a talk is needed. I'm going to sit down with her next time I can and talk.

Thank you again for all these replies. It means alot knowing I can get advice from all of you.

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You say she does have lesbian tendancies so explore those to see how strong they really are and if there real and not just curiosity, have her bring in another female in to the relationship and see if her tendancies are long term or not. Make sure there real before you transition for both your sakes. Do you have a desire to trans

KIm, nowhere in your original post or the follow do you state your wife wants you to transition. You interjected transitioning may be something to occur in the future. If she has lesbian tendencies then I suspect your transitioning may be a deal breaker for her. Maybe, you're offering her the best of two worlds. She has a man to appreciate her womanhood. She has a woman to appreciate her womanhood. Sure, she may be attracted to your female persona because she likes your female sensitivity and Kim lacks the boorish behavior of a lot of men.

Frankly, transitioning all the way would leave her with a "lesbian" who presumably would have to pleasure her with devices made of plastic and latex rather than god made flesh and blood. Is that what your wife would want?

Sounds like you need to have a discussion with your wife. Interesting problem! A wife wants her male spouse to be a full time cross dresser lesbian lover at the lost of all of his manly time???? Would you really want to lose all the aspects of your manly life? I don't think your wife is asking that.

Kimberlyfaye, I do believe we are all just trying to work it out as we go, as we explore and as we learn more about ourselves and our desires. You can take this in any direction you want to, as often as you want to, and how beautiful to have a supporting SO.

Difficult to answer this particularly.
1) As in a earlier post, is your SO attracted to your femme side as in girl's bff, sexually, just more comfortable when you are in femme? What is the degree of attraction.
2) Transitioning, was the topic even brought up by your SO specifically or are you making assumptions. I haven't read all the replies to your topic but I'm very very certain transitioning is not to be taken lightly. It is a one way street as others have mentioned in replies. I personally would just hold off on that decision because it is a one way street.

Did she say why she is more attracted to Kim? Is Kim a nicer person? Personally, I do not see why this should cause you any
concern. "Sit back and enjoy the ride".

Kimberly, let me share from someone who has "been there done that". I was 18, a nice guy, shy, bit introverted, but somewhere in that my wife fell in love with me. She was very out-going in all aspects. I told her (in a letter) after dating her for 9 months that I liked to wear womens clothes. Her response was two-fold. First she said as long as I didn't want to BE a woman, she was ok with that. Second, she sent me (about a week later) a pink matching bra/pantie set (that fit quite nice). Right after we got married, she wanted to see "this other side of me" for a few days. So, I dressed for her (don't remember what) she was fine with it and I started to do it more (and more and...) till I was pretty much Jennifer 24/7 except when I was at work or with family. Well, one thing she discovered was while I was a nice guy, Jennifer was a lot more fun to be with. Jennifer was outgoing, chatty, and was also a lot more fun in the bedroom (if you know what I mean). Hence, she preferred me as Jennifer (and she had/has no Lesbian tendencies prior). This also lead to her asking the Dr if he would prescribe hormones for me to "get a few curves" on our 2nd anniversary. The rest of the story is posted in other places here on the forum but in short (very short) - two months later he found a way to get them for me through a medical study - 9 months later I transitioned - 3 years after that she asked be to go back as she missed having a man in her life - and I did...

Jenn

She hasn't asked about a transition or brought it up. Just that she is becoming more attracted to Kim. I think it is in a physical way but there are a few little emotional aspects too. The only reason, (and I have spoken to my friend about this part) I would consider transitioning is because I think I would be happier living as a woman. And if my SO was happy about that too then she would get what I think she wants. But I do need to talk to her, mainly about changing her mind later. Because once on that road it is difficult turning back. For both of us.
But Jenn, I didn't even know that was possible. Am I right reading your post that you transitioned and then made a return trip? That can't have been a full transition surely? Hope you don't mind me asking but I can't quite get my head around that.

Now when we spoke the first time I did ask her which she wanted, male or female. I didn't get a proper answer. I think it was just tough for her. So I didn't push it. But I did say that should we go down that path it would mean for a short while she would most likely have to be the main provider. I can't see myself getting a job as Kim right away. It would take time. And I know you have to live full time for a year beforehand. So a transition is off the table for the next few years at least. But I just want to consider everything first. And I hope she will consider it all too.

Hopefully we can have a chat soon. I'll let you all know how it goes when we have.

Kim, you've got a good head on your shoulders, and I think you're thinking this through in the right way. For the moment, since she likes Kim and you like being Kim, I would say, be Kim as much as possible for awhile. It may help both of you get your feelings straightened out, one way or the other.

I'm guessing that Jenn's "transition" consisted of hormones without any surgery, so that, by going off the hormones later, she was able to reverse (most of?) the effects. But that's just my feminine intuition talking. :)

I hope both of you will be happy, whichever way you end up.

- Amy

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Nicole Erin

How is this a problem? So she likes your femme side. Assuming this is a legit thread and not one of those "that summer at my aunt's house" threads, you are pretty much living the dream of most CDs

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Yes I agree you are living the dream most of us would love to be in your situation

Kim, not a lot i can add to the good information you are getting here. I must agree that transition with SRS is not an issue right now. Transition to 24/7 female presentation might be a consideration, but even that is a bit off I feel. Your wife has a new situation to deal with, and is just now feeling very comfortable with it, and in my mind, is reacting to the new person by wanting that one around. One thing you need to determine is whether you like being Kim for her, maybe even full time at home. She may want Kim with benefits. As others have said, give this some time. Discuss things over and over. Give her equal doses of male and female, and do nice things for here when in both modes. The two of you have a dynamic to sort out here, and i wish both of you luck and peace.

Barbara

You really need to sit down with her and talk this out. As a Mature sister, I have had 3 SOs in my life and 2 were very much more interested in my fem qualities and sharing time when I was my feminine persona. They weren't interested in any major changes, but I found out from them that before we shared our lives together they really have no girlfriends to share with and we had great times together doing all those girly things they had missed out on. And while there were times intimate moments were girl to girl, the majority of times they definitely wanted my male persona to be dominate during those incounters. Don't allow anyone else's comments make any decisions when it comes to transitions. If it's right for you, you will know it and you won't have to every worry about not being able to return.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Kimberlyfaye

But I did say that should we go down that path it would mean for a short while she would most likely have to be the main provider. I can't see myself getting a job as Kim right away. It would take time.

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This is a good point, it's very difficult for trans people to get a job. My friends dad has recently just started a full transition and she is finding it hard to get work, which is especially difficult for her being single and trying to make it as a comedian

Oh wow!!!!! I think that it's one of those things your going to have to talk over very well!!! I'm sure it can be worked out! Thinking of you and yours!!! Loves Ronda!!!

Well, like others have said, if this isn't a troll thread, it sounds like a dream come true to me!

My theory--entirely unproven--is this. I think the women in our lives are attracted to our femme selves. Its part of who each of us is, and its something we telegraph however subtly, and women a perceptive enough to pick up on it. They may not consciously say, oh, he has a feminine side and I like that. But they perceive something in us, something we would define as feminine, and like that in us. I think your wife liked Kim before she knew about her.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Beverley Sims

Try being Kim a little more often, without saying anything.
Do not bring up the subject of transitioning or being more feminine than what she desires at the moment.
Regulate your dressing to please her and it will all appear natural.
I for instance can now go outside or home and drive tho the shopping centre without a comment being passed.
I make no comment like "Do you mind ?" or anything like that.
Just do it naturally.
If she starts to get cld feet again you can easily back off to suit the mood.
Do not push the boundaries, one day she may like you to have real boobs, then do something about it.
In the meantime there is a lot of living to do and you have been given an opportunity to express yourself.
As Ru Paul would say, "Don't fluff it up"

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[SIZE="3"]Hi Kimberly......I agree with Beverley.
Also, you could be living every CD'ers dream!

[/SIZE]

I am with the "pace it out" group. Many have said it sounds like a dream but handled wrong the dream could become a nightmare. She may be having her own version of a pink fog. Take your time and let it evolve naturally and not too fast. If you hit a point where she finds it is too much, it is better to ease to that point than to run it completely over. And if you move too fast you may find that if you or her decide it has gone too far and want to back up, that you may have done something irreversible in the process. Good luck!

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Kimberlyfaye

I will begin by saying that my SO is supportive, to the extent that she accepts and encourages me to be who I am. Now the other day she came to me with a problem. To cut a long story short she told me she is more attracted to Kim than the male me. I just don't know what to do. I don't even know how to talk about it. It's just sitting there on my mind and I have no idea what to do with it. It's possible it could lead to a future transition.

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I will give you the same advice that I give to transsexuals who are hesitating. Do not transition unless you absolutely need to do so in order to survive.

Transition is not a lifestyle choice, it is the last resort of those of us who cannot survive the conflict between our gender and our body.

If anything is more important to you than ensuring that your body and your gender are congruent, then transition will only lead to unhappiness. If you are not transsexual, then transition will end in disaster.

You are in the South East. If you are anywhere near to Brighton, PM me and I will give you the details of a support group that you and your SO might find helpful.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Jennifer in CO

Kimberly, let me share from someone who has "been there done that". I was 18, a nice guy, shy, bit introverted, but somewhere in that my wife fell in love with me. She was very out-going in all aspects. I told her (in a letter) after dating her for 9 months that I liked to wear womens clothes. Her response was two-fold. First she said as long as I didn't want to BE a woman, she was ok with that. Second, she sent me (about a week later) a pink matching bra/pantie set (that fit quite nice). Right after we got married, she wanted to see "this other side of me" for a few days. So, I dressed for her (don't remember what) she was fine with it and I started to do it more (and more and...) till I was pretty much Jennifer 24/7 except when I was at work or with family. Well, one thing she discovered was while I was a nice guy, Jennifer was a lot more fun to be with. Jennifer was outgoing, chatty, and was also a lot more fun in the bedroom (if you know what I mean). Hence, she preferred me as Jennifer (and she had/has no Lesbian tendencies prior). This also lead to her asking the Dr if he would prescribe hormones for me to "get a few curves" on our 2nd anniversary. The rest of the story is posted in other places here on the forum but in short (very short) - two months later he found a way to get them for me through a medical study - 9 months later I transitioned - 3 years after that she asked be to go back as she missed having a man in her life - and I did...

Jenn

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I have a similar story except I already had very obvious natural lower curves so did not need hormones for that, but suggested breast implants, which I willingly got and don't regret. She did get me to try some hormones to give me a more fem feelings and personality etc. Well after little over a year didn't ask me to change back she just left.

Hi Kimberly, You are so young and I'm guessing that your wife is also give this a little time to see if it works itself out.

How is this bad? Oh, that's already been said. I wish this would happen to me.......

Thank you all for the replies.
Unfortunately now there wont be any taking it slow or possible dressing as she has broken up with me. I am absolutely devastated :'( now I have nothing left in my life.

But I am trying to put a positive spin on this by thinking there is only one way I can go from rock bottom, and that's up.

Thank you all again so much for sharing your insight :)
Hugs

Oh the many webs we weave. this dose sound like a nasty sticky wicket. it is one thing to lose the wife for some other guy due to the cross dressing but when the cross dressing starts the wife too except our female self and get more into it that she just might leave for a real woman sound a hole lot though er then the first but it a risk we all take for what we want for or think we need to be us

this is only my thoughts and only my thoughts.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Kimberlyfaye

Thank you all for the replies.
Unfortunately now there wont be any taking it slow or possible dressing as she has broken up with me. I am absolutely devastated :'( now I have nothing left in my life.

But I am trying to put a positive spin on this by thinking there is only one way I can go from rock bottom, and that's up.

Thank you all again so much for sharing your insight :)
Hugs

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awe, sorry to hear this! just read the entire thread and then came across this, so sad. hang in there...

If you don't mind, why did she break up with you?

The reason she left me was as Missy stated.

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Originally Posted by Missy

the cross dressing starts the wife too except our female self and get more into it that she just might leave for a real woman sound a hole lot though er

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She feels she only prefers women.