Sharing with the wife/SO...

Question to everyone from a GG with a CDing Husband


Quick background on my situation: I came home early about a month ago and found him dressed. He nearly jumped out of his skin. I have no issues what so ever, I actually really enjoy CDing..but I digress. I just hugged him said hello. We talked a little that night about how long he has been doing it, but he didn't go into to much detail and he seems embarrassed that I know, I think he was just not quite ready to share. I want to know more, but I don't want to push. He talks a little about it, has even asked me to help him find a few things, but he says he is REALLY not comfortable dressing in my presence.

Do you share everything with your SO? Is it easier to out it all at once or build up slowly? Do you dress in their presence? Any other advise for my situation?

Mermaid, I talk openly and frequently with my wife. I've been out to her for two years after 20+ of hiding it. Frankly, I wish she would ask more questions or initiate the conversations more, but she has no real questions or fears. While I was really, really, embarrassed at first, I still appreciated talking about my cross dressing. It's a huge stress relief.

Ask your questions, he will appreciate it.

Hi Mermaid

I am sorry you had to find out this way but happy you are supportive of the cd'ing

I think over time things will become more comfortable. You husband will come to realise your help will be invaluable as I am sure you can pass on lots of good advice.

Most of us kept it a secret from our partners for a long time and we were just not used to being in the prescence of anyone else. Keep talking and it should be ok but as with everything dont try to rush things.

the hardest part for a crossdresser letting their secret out, is that they feel so ashamed and they think that everyone will judge them for it.
personally, having someone i can talk about it with comfortably is the best feeling in the world! so i would recommend just letting him know that you support him, and that he shouldnt feel ashamed about it! eventually he will get used to sharing it with you

Hi Mermaid, and thanks for your questions. My wife knows ( for 20+ years now) and refuses to discuss it. It's what we refer to here as DADT (don't ask, don't tell). I was never "caught", but eventually told her after years of marriage. She is NOT accepting so no, I don't dress in her presence, and she has never so much as seen a photo of me dressed.

He is one lucky guy to have such an accepting spouse who found out "after the fact"! Many of us would love to be in that situation and would welcome your questions and the fact that you care so much. Having said that, none of us know him, and because we are all individuals, it would be impossible for us to know exactly what he might really feel in this situation. Your love and kindness in accepting him as he is might well end up in a beautiful and blossoming relationship going forward from this point. However, he may also choose to keep his thoughts on this private and to himself, in which case you will both have to find boundries that you can live with. I would venture to guess that your odds are good that he will eventually open up.


Good luck, and best wishes to you both!

There are so many Forum MYTHS...

Just one of them is that ALL CDers want to and/or need to tell their SOs. Or want them or need them to "participate" in some manner in their dressing.

Another is that it's a "journey" for ALL CDers and NO CDer can say just where they they will be on their "journey" a year from now or 5 years from now down the road...

Another is that we will ALL encounter the "pink fog" sooner or later.

LOVE conquers all is yet another one. IF your wife
really loves you she will eventually understand/relent/give in/accept, etc.

The important thing to obtain from all of this is to not necessarily EXPECT things from or about him based on these MYTHS. I think he MAY divulge more in time if you give him the opportunity but I would resist trying to drag it out of him.

One last thing you may not know. Once you get 10 posts your hands are no longer tied and you can join other groups, send personal emails etc.

Welcome, Mermaid, and thanks for an excellent question. You'll find a wide range of experience here, but I'll focus on my own as you requested.

I kept my crossdressing a secret for decades, from girlfriends, first wife, and others - always terrified of what they would think and do if they knew. This is especially true since I grew up in a rural area in the 60s and 70s when culture was quite different and there was little access to reliable information about crossdressing or communities like this - so I drew the natural conclusion that I was total freak and no one else could possibly find it acceptable. Those decades drummed a definite attitude and fear into me quite deeply.

On to five years ago when I met the woman who is now my wife. I was determined that my CDing was not going to be a secret, so I shared it with her pretty early - with the announcement that I was going to do it one way or another. To my relief she was very supportive, and has always been actively helpful. She helped me to improve my appearance, especially clothing choices and makeup, and my poise and mannerisms. Still, it was difficult for a long time to move away from that reflexive need to hide from her when in transition - as if I were caught. Even now I catch my breath for a moment if she walks in, even though I know there's absolutely no risk of trouble and she can even be some help.

It's likely that your partner has experienced years of hiding as well, and it will take a while to get that out of his/her system. Just be supportive any way that you can, and insist on this being a part of your life together. Go shopping together, help her with choices and makeup, but always in a positive way. Eventually she'll gain the confidence she needs, and the experience will help you to be closer than ever.

Best of luck. Feel free to PM (private mail) me if you have any questions.

Miriam

Well, Mermaid, let me put it this way - your husband got a far different response from you when you came home and found him dressed in women's clothing than I did years ago.

I was in the basement of our first home trying on some new purchases (including a pair of "killer" heels) when my wife unexpectedly came down the stairs, saw me, and promptly fainted on the spot. Much yelling, screaming, accusations of being gay and marrying her under false pretences...yada, yada, yada...ensued after I helped her come to (and yes, I immediately ditched the clothes when that happened), followed by an extended deep chill and a sex life that went on life support for quite awhile afterwards.

DADT was the norm for many years afterwards, and it has only been in the last couple of years that my wife has finally come to accept that maybe - just maybe - everything that I had been telling her about fundamentally still being a "real man" despite some of my feminine inclinations might just be true after all. Time has finally also proven to her that I didn't want a sex change operation either - just as I had been insisting all along.

In some ways I can't blame my wife, though. Her idea of a "man" and "masculinity" was - and remains - the product of her socialization as a teenager during the sexist "Mad Men" era of the 60's and 70's, where hairy-chested (and sometimes mustachioed) Hollywood heart-throbs such as Burt Reynolds, Clint Eastwood, Sean Connery (in his "James Bond" days), Gary Cooper, Robert Mitchum, and John Wayne etc. represented the gold standard for manhood. You know - the strong, silent, take-charge type who never revealed his true feelings or inherent insecurities. Feminism was just starting to find its feet back then, and Boy Bands, metrosexuals, and sensitive girly-boys like Justin Bieber hadn't been invented yet. The closest we came were the "Fab Four", and the Rolling Stones routinely kicked their butts - pretty much the way they still do in the world of Rock 'n' Roll.

I now have an extensive wardrobe of women's clothes and go out in public in "Leslie" mode on a semi-regular basis. My wife knows, isn't crazy about the idea, but now seems to understand that this is a part of me that won't ever go away, and to continue trying to force me to suppress this just isn't going to cut it, as it would be akin to asking me to cut off my right arm. On the other hand, I also try to make up for my crossdressing needs in various other ways to prove to her that I still love and treasure her, and that seems to be having the desired effect. We actually seem to have a truce now, as opposed to a series of cease-fires in the past which were often really little more than an opportunity to reload.

What can I say? It's taken over 40 years of married life to get to this point. Maybe in another 40 years or so, she will finally be ready to at least look at a picture of "Leslie", let alone agree to meet her in person...

I can kind of relate how your husband feels. I have the full support of my wife, but some times feel embarrassed when I dress in front of her. I feel ( I know that this is a product of society) that I let her down; that I'm not the "MAN" she needs me to be. I know this isn't true and I'm working on over coming it, but it does take time.

Perhaps asking if his female side has a name, and inviting her out for a professional make over and coffee?
Alternatively just remind him how much you love him.

Mermaid, the first time I dressed in front of my fiancee was shortly after I revealed my dressing to her. She was so accepting and supportive, I just wound up saying, "About the only thing left I could do is dress for you." She responded, "Only if you wanna." Then, when she saw me, she got a bit jealous, saying I looked more feminine than she did. ;)

I have no problems being dressed in front of her. I usually do the actual dressing while she's busy doing something else, but, when she finds out Amy has arrived, she will usually insist I come let her see. I do so, and give her a little twirl so she gets the full effect. :) I would have no problem if she watched me while dressing, though; I certainly have no problem with her watching me un-dressing when it's time to deconstruct myself.

- Amy

A lot of us are really ashamed of what we do - at least at first. We're taught that crossdressing is at best for comic relief (think about the guys in drag on Monty Python), or at worst that it is a terrible perversion, one step up from child molesting. So it's understandable that we are reticent to talk about it. It doesn't matter that YOU don't feel this way - part of him may still feel that shame. This is exceedingly common.

Also, shame aside, growing up many places, it is self preservation for CD men to NOT display femininity while growing up. After someone has lied for their entire life, it can be really surprisingly hard to just tell the truth - even if someone tells you "hey, I know, and I not only don't reject this about you - I LIKE THIS about you!!!"

Which brings me to - you may be well ahead of him at accepting this about himself. Now that sounds weird, because - well, he dresses, so he must accept this right? Well, I can tell you that I didn't accept this about myself, even while I was doing it a lot. That seems crazy, but the lying and self-defense some of us feel makes it hard for us to admit this about ourselves and really accept it - even while we are doing it. Perhaps part of him feels that by talking to you about this, he's somehow making more of a commitment to his CD than he's ready for. Admitting something - saying it outloud - is POWERFUL. The emotions from CD can be a little overwhelming, at least they are for me sometimes. He may not have processed them all and not understand them well himself.

Also, I'm sure he loves you and trusts you, but for some of us, trust doesn't come easily, and he may be having a hard time trusting you over this, despite how amazingly wonderful and accepting you are. It's possible he just sucks at trust.

I know it probably seems absolutely crazy - how can someone DO something, possibly for years, and deny it and not understand it. But this is really common for many CD. It certainly applied to me.

For most of us we have spent so much time alone, hiding our secret that being 'discovered' (while most likely a secret wish) is very unnerving.
Even after coming out to my wife and having her acceptance it took a while (months in fact) to become relaxed being dressed in her presence and even longer to feel that way dressing in front of her.
It's like a hermit that's been in a cave for decades and suddenly has to mingle in the real world....it's just so different. Give him time and continued support and don't forget to TALK.

Crossdressing tends to be hidden under a veil of secrecy. The young CDer hides everything for fear of being discovered. This continues along with a sense of shame because society is so closed minded about crossdressing. As you grow you learn to hide your secret. The CDer believes that no one could love him because of this secret he has hidden away for so long. This continues until he feels the need to risk everything and share his secret with the one he loves.

It will take time because he has hidden this for so long. And in truth, I am sure he never imagined that you would be so accepting. Give him time and understanding.

I would say to you as well, take it slowly.
Let him come out to you when he wants to.
You can ask him to show you some of his clothes but not all at once.
He has to get over his perceived embarrassment and probably the shock of your acceptance.
Is he a member of this forum?
If not show him some threads and suggest he joins.
He does not need to out himself.
Encourage him to dress and then show you what he has achieved.

I'm in a bit of a different situation because my wife and I discovered Tina together one morning (I had never dressed before, nor even considered I had a femme side). What could have been a really difficult internal struggle was completely diffused because my wife was as curious about this feminine self we had found as I was! By showing her interest, curiosity, and complete support, the whole process was open from the beginning eliminating any guilt or embarassment.

My guess is that your husband has lived through guilt and potential embarassment all his life. I'm sure he's finding it hard to believe that he can shed all those feelings! You can be instrumental in helping him out of that abyss, and the bond you will form will be incredible!

It will work! All you are fighting is years of fear, which I'm sure can be overcome by your loving persistance!

mermaid....first let me point out how special you are!! my wife is fully supportive and we go out to clubs often together just to laugh and have fun,its all an experience. she asked the typical questions and pretty much brought my fem side out. the key is communication and to keep it in perspective. don't let it consume you both and as i have discovered, it has enriched my life and frankly made me a better person....most importantly keep in mind it is only a part of the person. we decided to have fun with it and laugh alot,esp when i first did my make up...she offered to help me and we did this all together....thats key ....together. you are special and make sure he understands that ...take time and let him unpeel the possible years of being secret....communication and you will do fine....your a wonderful lady

I share everything now that I told her. If I could do it all over I would tell her day 24.

Yes, I share everything with my GF, and it has helped me define what I am, and am not. What I want to do, what I don't want to do, what I may experiment with later. She is completely accepting and supportive, and I think myself extremely fortunate to have found her, and that we are together.

In your case, it sounds as if he is still in the self denial, hating, guilt, disgust, stage. More details, such as how long you've been together, how long he's been doing this, etc may be helpful. To make a guess, at least part of it is fetish, and that's a hard one for someone to accept about themselves, it shouldn't be, but some of us have had childhoods which overlay all kinds of guilt on simple sexual needs. We've mostly all got 'em, as long as nobodies getting hurt, go for it I say.

In your case, letting him know when you can, that you ARE cool with it, and willing to talk about it without "setting traps" is about all you can do. You might say that you think it would be better for him and you, to explore and understand it, and you will be available any time to discuss.

Mermaid
My BF told me about his CDing within the first 2 weeks of our relationship. I know it took a whole lot of courage for him to do this. It took him about 2 months to actually dress in front of me. From the beginning it excited me and I wanted him to show me but after he did we went through a very rough spot. He was embarrassed and felt terrible for showing me. I on the other hand I loved seeing this very special side of him. He closed off and basically shut down on me. I obviously thought the worst that it was me. Many months later through conversation and him dressing when he could ( we have three kids and live together so it's not as often as I know he or I would like) he began to open up to me. He said he never had anyone quite like me in his life who loved him and supported him for him. I honestly think at times he still questions that but the fact of the matter remains and that is I love him for all things he/she is I love the person and for me the CDing has become a bonus. Your SO may just need some time but also dont cheat yourself either give yourself and him the time to process this new found information. But the key is to continue to communicate through it all. This site has been a warm and welcoming home for the both of us he actually introduced me to it on Valentine's Day and to me that spoke more than the flowers and chocolate of his love for me and of our relationship. ......yes I said more than chocolate. ....lol
Xoxo......Sam

He will no doubt still be feeling a bit embarrassed about you catching him dressed and it may take him some time to understand how you can be so accepting of it as society has this way of drumming into males that they should not dress/act like this , as for whether it is best/easiest to come out in an all or gradual way try to think if he is an extrovert or an introvert as his personality may determine the best way to handle it .

sam ...you are a hugely insightful lady and frankly it couldn't be said any better

if your SO is anything like me he will have a hard enough time admitting to himself that he likes to wear women's clothes let alone someone else knowing especially someone he is so close to.
society has a way of making someone that does something out of the norm feel shame and self loathing especially something as strange as gender bending. I told my wife after 17 years that I like to CD. Yes I was ashamed of my little hobby and fought the urge for long periods of my life. Now I am finally open with my wife about my cross dressing she was more comfortable with it than I was myself at the start. Its something that like us you work through together.

Welcome to the forum mermaid :) I can understand your SO almost jumping out of his/her skin as she probably feels guilt to the dressing as society has made us this way. There really is no harm in being a CD. The key I think for both of you is communication about it. You seem to embrace it more than your SO does , which is every dressers dream, but take it slow. Let your SO adjust to this as You will need some time to adjust to it also. When the communication is a bit more open about it all, then ask your questions and listen to what your SO has to say with an open mind and not jumping to conclusions. It will all work out in the end and will bring you two that much closer :)

Do you share everything with your SO?

At this point, yes. When I was dressing secretly, no. The only thing I was secret about was the dressing though because, like most CD's growing up, you kind of hope it will go away in time or if in a serious relationship. Truth is it doesn't and by time you realize it, or accept it, You really are a bit deep and don't know how to bring it to the table or what the reaction will be. Your reaction to catching your SO dressed seemed far from a negative one so in time he will bring it to the table for discussion.

Is it easier to out it all at once or build up slowly?

For some it's easier going all in. That's what I did. I had a sit down serious talk with my SO and put it all out there. was it easy? not by any means but the burden of the secret was lifted off my shoulders and I am a better person for it. From the sounds of your SO's reaction, and conversation, your SO isn't ready for it all to be out yet. Give it sometime and I am sure once your SO becomes comfortable with it, it will all be out. It does seem a bit strange though that your SO wants you to help get things but doesn't want to go into details, it might just be nervousness though so don't panic ;) or he may be testing you to see if your sincere.

Do you dress in their presence?

Yes, I do but not often. When she sees me I am fully dressed, she has never seen me getting dressed or in a half state of dress. I do, however, tend to limit how much she sees me dressed. I am a crossdresser, I do not, could not, would not want to be a full time woman. If I were to be dressed all the time in front of her it may send the wrong message.

Any other advise for my situation?

Do a lot of reading, the best place to start is right here. Keep in mind that every dressers needs and wants are different. Do not let the thought that you are not enough for him to creep into your mind because he won't discuss this with you in detail yet. As long as you are open and honest about your accepting this and really want to be supportive of this, all will fall into place in time .

Again, welcome to the forum :)

Hi Mermaid It's the guilt and embarrassment that got to hin he will come around.

I was in the same situation as suchacutie whereas my wife was curious as to what I would look like wearing her knickers , after a few drinks I agreed and my life changed forever ! that was 8 years ago ive never hid any crossdressing from her ,although it took her a long time to come around to the idea of her man in knickers ,bra and womens clothing . my wife is now quite open with me and asks questions , I still feel embarrassed putting bras on in front of her ,this will pass just like it did with the knickers . Along the way we have set boundries that I wasn't aloud to break until she was 100% ready . I gave her the time she required and now we go shopping together !! .

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Mermaid

Question to everyone from a GG with a CDing Husband


Quick background on my situation: I came home early about a month ago and found him dressed. He nearly jumped out of his skin. I have no issues what so ever, I actually really enjoy CDing..but I digress. I just hugged him said hello. We talked a little that night about how long he has been doing it, but he didn't go into to much detail and he seems embarrassed that I know, I think he was just not quite ready to share. I want to know more, but I don't want to push. He talks a little about it, has even asked me to help him find a few things, but he says he is REALLY not comfortable dressing in my presence.

Do you share everything with your SO? Is it easier to out it all at once or build up slowly? Do you dress in their presence? Any other advise for my situation?

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The same thing happened between my wife and me. She was displeased. The incident is described here: http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...me.&highlight=

In some ways, our situation is the opposite of yours in that I would LOVE to Xdress in front of her - I am a bit of an exhibitionist - but she is creeped out by the whole idea of it. Maybe - in another thread - you could help us explore what magic touched you that lets you enjoy seeing your man crossdressed.

Advice on your situation is easy to give, because the giver of the advice doesn't suffer the consequences of being wrong. He can justify his blunder with cheap rationalizations. Keeping that in mind, I think there is little to be lost by taking it in baby steps and treating every step forward with casual, positive acceptance.

And good luck.

BTW, welcome to the site;)

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Kelly Smith

Maybe - in another thread - you could help us explore what magic touched you that lets you enjoy seeing your man crossdressed.

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Kelly,
Unfortunately, there is no magic that touches us GGs who like to see our man CD. It's basically the old saying "different strokes for different folks". Some men enjoy CDing because it's just the way you are and some of us GGs just like it. Can't be explained anymore than it's how we are and it's what we enjoy. While we all may have a different reason as to why we do the main theme remains we accept it and embrace it because it brings joy not only to the man we love but to us as well. Two way street :-)

Xoxo.....Sam

Quote:

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Originally Posted by NurseSamGG

Kelly,
Unfortunately, there is no magic that touches us GGs who like to see our man CD. It's basically the old saying "different strokes for different folks". Some men enjoy CDing because it's just the way you are and some of us GGs just like it. Can't be explained anymore than it's how we are and it's what we enjoy. While we all may have a different reason as to why we do the main theme remains we accept it and embrace it because it brings joy not only to the man we love but to us as well. Two way street :-)

Xoxo.....Sam

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Or as my wife told me "I wouldn't do it (as in wearing skirts or pantyhose @ the time) but if you like it and want to do it..go ahead". She thought I was nuts...she was right :hugs:

Kelly

Unfortunatly there is no magic. I've always been attracted to "odd" or "taboo" things(acroding to the social norms) I don't see them as odd or taboo, just exciting. You can't really change what you are or are not into, you can only explore. Sometimes things can grow on you just as some things can lose their appeal, but you can force peiple into things...unless their into that.

I digress a little but I feel that finding a person with both relationship, personality and sexuality compatability is hard.