Just found out my husband is a cross dresser and I want to know a couple of things...
1, What did I do wrong to make him this way?
2, Can I fix it?
3, How do I support him without feeling "cheated on"?
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Just found out my husband is a cross dresser and I want to know a couple of things...
1, What did I do wrong to make him this way?
2, Can I fix it?
3, How do I support him without feeling "cheated on"?
You did nothing wrong. It has nothing to do with anything you did or did not do. In my case it being fixed meant being honest about who and what I am. Finally, remember that your husband would love to share his experience with you knowing there was no danger you will leave him. Good luck!
Suzanne F
You didn't do anything wrong. Odds are - nobody did anything wrong. This is something inside of him. The process of how this happens is not well understood. It has been the subject of some scientific study, but the underlying causes and mechanisms are just not well understood.Quote:
Originally Posted by CuriousWife2013
No, probably not - if by "fix it" you mean "make it go away". The overwhelming evidence is that your spouse is unlikely to be able to drop this. The CD frequently does want to stop - there is a great deal of social stigma associated with this, especially in the past. I know I've tried to stop several times, and gone periods of time without it. But for me, it always comes back.Quote:
2, Can I fix it?
To give you a frame of reference - I'm a recovering alcoholic and drug addict. I've been clean and sober for 23 years. Beating alcohol and drugs was the hardest thing I've ever done. And stopping that was childs-play compared to crossdressing.
There is no known ethical medical or psychological approach to stop this. None. The stuff that has been tried works so rarely that it makes alcohol and drub rehab look like a sure thing. (Alcohol and drug rehab is FAR from a sure thing.) I think this is 10x-100x harder.
If by "fix it" you mean find a way to live together, then yeah, there's a heck of a lot you can do.
1. Talk about it and be honest with one another. This will be hard for your spouse - because odds are she's lied about this her whole life.
2. Set boundaries - find compromises. Maybe you can accept seeing her dress and being "girlfriends" once a week. Maybe you can NEVER abide seeing her, but can allow her some time to herself to express this side of herself. Maybe she only wants a little time to herself to explore this. There are a variety of reasons she might behave this way. For some it is a sexual fetish. For others, they have a feminine side, and they want to express it. Others of us know we were supposed to be girls. Your spouse may not know where she falls in this range yet - we tend to lie not only to the outside world, but also to ourselves.
3. Be willing to seek professional counseling, preferably with someone with gender identity training and experience. This may help you both get through roadblocks that are tough. (And YOU may not be the biggest problem - a lot of us have trouble opening up even when our spouses say "ok, I accept you - open up, tell me everything, there is nothing you can say that will make me not love you.")
Give him some space for this - what you can tolerate, and know this isn't about you, or someone else. This is likely something within your spouse.Quote:
How do I support him without feeling "cheated on"?
Thank you. I have agreed to "support him" in being himself, I love him ALL of him, and I don't want to change him. I'm not sure if he's ever thought about getting an operation or if he is just happy and satisfied with crossdressing. Last night, I surprised him with his first set of high heels and a "beginners makeup kit". I hope that I'm doing things the right way. I know that this has to be sort of stressful for him. I hope that by my acceptance and support that he's feeling a little relieved, but he doesn't really like talking about it too much. I guess I'm just really confused on what my "part" should be in this.
Hi Curiouswife,
Wow, I'll bet that was a shocker. Glad you have the fortitude to ask questions.
1, What did I do wrong to make him this way?
Absolutely nothing. He was a cross dresser before you met him and before he knew what women were. If you had a son or daughter who was gay, would you think YOU did something?
2, Can I fix it?
There is nothing broken so nothing to fix. Can you change his DNA? No. He IS a cross dresser.
3, How do I support him without feeling "cheated on"?
Tough one. First, understand that he IS this way down to his genes. It's like being gay. No one chooses to be gay, straight, a cross dresser, .... Second, talk to him. Set boundaries that you are comfortable with but allow him to be him. You do not have to see him dressed nor help him dress. BUT, you can not pretend it does not exist. Ask any question you have and he has to answer.
Really, all you can do is talk and try to learn what this is about. He doesn't know much more than you, honestly.
Lastly, remember he hid this because he is ashamed as we all are/were. Talk, talk, talk.
You're going to get a lot of comments on this post, I'm thinkin...
Much has already been stated so I'll just add a few reinforcing notes..... In my case (as there are many shades of this journey), I was born this way and didn't have a choice. I knew I was suppose to be born female at a very early age and ended up living with my secret until the internet came 'bout.
Hope you take the time and read all the responses as there are many girls on this site that are more informed than I can ever state...
Hope this helps a lil..
Renne.....
The good news is that the odds are, he hasn't thought about getting an operation. Your spouse may not really know where she's going with this. I mean that seriously. That can take some time to resolve. She may not accept this about herself well - many of us do not for quite some time.Quote:
Originally Posted by CuriousWife2013
Firs of all you are an angel! Talk to him and make sure you aren't going too fast. I know it seems weird - I mean, who wouldn't want acceptance from someone who is so loving as you clearly are? But she may not be ready to totally accept this about herself. Or maybe she is. Getting her onto this forum would probably help. Some of us feel like we are the only person on earth who's the way we are - a cross dressers.Quote:
Last night, I surprised him with his first set of high heels and a "beginners makeup kit". I hope that I'm doing things the right way. I know that this has to be sort of stressful for him.
Keep doing what you are doing, keep trying to talk - not too pushy, but don't let her skate, either, and be patient and know that this can take time for her to sort out in her own mind.Quote:
I guess I'm just really confused on what my "part" should be in this.
You sound like you are being great about this. Your spouse is lucky. And you are special.
Your part is what you alone decide is your part. You have no obligation to participate although you have. Cross dressing is his thing but you have every right to ask questions. My wife's first two were: "Are you gay?" and "Do you want a sex change?" This is a VERY, VERY common thing for wives.Quote:
Originally Posted by CuriousWife2013
Good questions when you must feel overwhelmed right now.
I'll try to give some brief answers:
1) - you did nothing wrong...without knowing your ages and how long you have been married I would venture to say hubby has CD'd for most of his life.
2) - CD'ing does not go away. He likely has gone thru many stages of avoidance, denial, acceptance, etc his whole life. He probably thought/hoped it would go away. If he came clean and told you about it after you have been married for a while it was likely the scariest thing he had ever done out of fear of losing you and everything else good in his life! Remember, once the toothpaste is out of the tube you cannot put it back!
3) - let him talk as much as he wants...he will want to answer all your questions and assure you that it has been hidden from you for nothing but good reasons. He likely has had to accept his CD'ing himself before he could open up to you. Keep all lines of communication open. Read as much as you can on the matter as well. This forum is a good source of information but is likely slanted in favour of CD'ing...the Internet has quite a bit of information...just stay away from the trashy websites that try to make CD'ing as an X-rated event.
Good luck and try to keep an open mind...the fact that you are here is a very good sign...he is still the guy you married and fell in love with...don't forget that!
Hi there, get more posts in and join FAB
they are a great bunch, and all your feelings are natural.
And you will see your part in this, is just to be " you"
as he will be just him, love this site.....
And its natural to not really know what to do when first faced with c/ding.
I too buy my H lots of pretty things, and he returns the favour.......
Thank you for saying that I am an angel, because I've never been considered that before. I only gave him the makeup and heels because he asked a while ago (before I knew that he was a crossdresser) if he could try my heels on I looked at him and asked why would he want to do that? He stated....oh no reason I guess.
As for this forum, he showed me last night and then suggested that I "become a member". I'm not sure if he posts on here or not, I don't even know what his female name is, so I couldn't even begin to find it. I'm sure though that when he's ready he will tell me everything. I don't want to be too pushy at all, I just want him to know that I'm available for him to talk to, or confide in when he is ready.
I do tell him I love him, (especially the last week) that I love ALL of him, forever.
Those are all questions you need to discuss with him Hon.
You are doing about everything you can do - you are doing it right, and your spouse is very lucky to have you. Reading stuff on this forum and talking to folks here will help you understand this better. I've learned a lot since joining, and hey, you'd think I would know it all because I am one, right? Nope.Quote:
Originally Posted by CuriousWife2013
You really are being exceptional.
Not wanting to talk about it is a concern. Maybe he's embarrassed to talk about it, but he needs to get over it. I don't see you getting un-confused until he directly addresses your concerns. You've demonstrated your support, and now it's time for him to show you some trust.Quote:
Originally Posted by CuriousWife2013
Paula, thank you (and the other ladies as well), for helping me. I have to admit I wasn't sure how a "wife" would be received at all. I'm sitting here crying because of how "gentle and loving" all of you ladies are being with me and it warms my heart. I hope that you all have a support system around you because you all seem to be very special ladies. Again, thank you all and I don't expect ANYONE to know all of the answers even if they do crossdress. :x
An important thing for you to keep in mind here is not to make assumptions about your SO because of things written here at these Forums...
In almost any thread there is likely to be at least one if not many ladies, who like to use the terms "Everyone here..." or "we all at one time..." Or "no one..." Your SO is unique as we all are.
I'm quite curious about your third question. "Cheated on" as how YOU would feel or he would feel?
You seem to realize that you are walking a fine line by wanting to help? Has he or did he indicate that he uses or wants to use makeup for example?
I think many people come into the world of crossdressing confused. Including us it doesn't mean that your husband doesn't love you indeed his love for you is a completely separate creature from his dressing. The most a crossdresser can hope for is love and support and it sounds lik you're providing both. Your husband is very lucky to have you. Most of us have to deal with guilt trips and loathing.
Dear Curious
In my opinion you are an Angel, I know because I'm fortunate to be married to one (an Angel) myself. It sounds like you are handling it quite well. I dressed off and on since I was a child and always felt ashamed of it (I didn't understand it) and still don't. I have been married to my wife going on 16 years now and just came out to her a couple years ago. No one made me this way, it's just who I am. I feel (fixed) now that I have acceptance and support from someone (my wife) who does not judge me for this side of me. As time has gone by our conversation has become more frequent and at a deeper level. But all the questions that go through your mind are normal, it just might take him a while before he accepts this too. When you suppress a feeling for so long and all of a sudden have someone to share with and ask questions... well he is probably a little over loaded too.
Hugs
Jolene
Hi,
Well I can't add anything to the great advice and support you've been given.
I see you're in the Bay Area as I am. I'd recommend both of you check out Diablo Vally Girls. It's a CD/TG support group in the Concord area. I've been to a few of their socials and support group meetings. Going to the meetings and talking to others really helped me understand and accept this part of me. They also support significant others as well.
http://www.diablovalleygirls.org/
http://www.diablovalleygirls.org/Lib...o_support.html
Absolutely nothing! Nobody can be caused to be a crossdresser. It's something inside of us. Sometimes it lies hidden, ignored, or denied for decades before coming to the fore but it was always there.Quote:
Originally Posted by CuriousWife2013
Yes, but likely not in the way you mean. The urge to crossdress won't go away. The best "fix" for the situation is your understanding. Your husband is likely just as upset at the situation as you are and doubting his judgment in sharing this most private part of himself with you. Your patience and acceptance will go a long way to making the situation most comfortable for you both.Quote:
Originally Posted by CuriousWife2013
He isn't cheating on you any more than a tennis enthusiast cheats on his wife when he indulges his interest. Your husband loves and respects you greatly regardless of how he is dressed, otherwise he wouldn't have shared with you. Keep the lines of communications open and you will find that your relationship will likely be closer than before. That is my experience.Quote:
Originally Posted by CuriousWife2013
I have nothing really to add to the excellent words others have already offered. Don't ever think that your husband is the way he is because of any failing on your part. We all are only who we are. We can no more change who we are than change the sun.Quote:
Originally Posted by CuriousWife2013
There are many wives SOs that communicate here. There is also a forum just for you (Loved Ones). Generally speaking wives are well respected and most welcome here and we will try to give you all the support, answers, and help we can. You are special here and special to your husband because you do care and are looking for answers. Your support of your husband is something he will love you for even more. You are the angel of his heart. All we can offer you is our viewpoint but I think you will find us all open and honest.
Cheers
Annette
You did nothing wrong and you can't fix it. But, if you sit down with him, tell him your concerns and listen to what he has to say you can establish some ground rules. Then keep the discussion open and as you become more comfortable with it AND he does not push it in your face and respects the boundries things will get better. You may even end up with a new girlfriend. Good luck.
To answer your first question; you didn't do aything wrong, your husband would have been a crossdresser whether he was married to you, someone else, or remained single. It is hardwired into his system from birth, and to answer question number two; there is no "cure", nothing you can do or say will cure him of the desire. The answer to question number three id much more complicated but support requires a great deal of give and take. My best suggestion would be to find some common ground that you both can be comfortable with, love your man for the person he is and not for the clothes he chooses to wear. You may never fully approve, but you might be pleasantly surprised by the results of compromise. Luv and Hugs, Jill
Most of what I would have said has already been said. I'm curious about how you found out he is a CD. You said he didn't really like talking about it, so it just made me wonder about that.
Each of us are different, every one of us wants to go to different levels with our dressing so no one else can say what he wants out of it, he may not even know. But if he is anything like me he has been hiding this part of himself most of his life, so it is hard to talk about it. I know growing up (for me anyway) I had times where I really wished I wasn't a CD, but at the same time it isn't something that will go away. I was kind of ashamed of it and did everything to hide it, I just wanted to be 'normal'. Coming out about it is one of the Hardest things for some of us to do.
Beyond that it can go however you two would like it to go. There are many S.O.'s that take the don't ask don't tell policy. I know some who want to know but never want to see. Some say they have to stop dressing. But then there are people like my wife and I (and many others here), I never go out dressed up without her, we have a great time with it together. Again though, I don't know the whole story about how you found out he dressed so it's hard to say. But it is a part of him and it seems like you want to embrace it, he just might need time to figure out that it's ok to be himself around another person (That's how I felt after my wife found out about me).
Sweet Curious wife. You have received sage counsel here, and I cannot add significantly. It is really up to you and him to talk, constantly and openly. I know you are confused. My wife was confused, and still is after 15 months of knowing, after I discovered myself 18 months ago (66 years old, go figure).
I do want to let you know that emotional ups and downs can occur, and not to let them make you feel like your support is wavering. My wife is my support, even though she cannot see me dressed or buy me things any more. At first she wanted me to dress, bought makeup, we went shopping together, etc. Unfortunately she could not keep doing that, but in no way do I think her support is lessened in any way. Intellectually she wants me to find myself in all of this, and the potential outcomes are what frighten her even though she supports me as best she can.
Should you ever feel this way, it is not a wavering of support, and should in no way impact your discussions. No matter what, it is important to talk, even if it is extremely difficult for him. It is a difficult topic for us to put words to, so don't push, but don't back away. Be his wife and lover and best friend.
Barbara
All I can do is reaffirm what has already been said by others. But I have a good feeling about you two.
Not a thing. This is something that we, the crossdressers here, have been carrying around for decades. For some, the realization comes sooner than later. For others, my self included, it's something that we suppressed for a long time. Then we get to a point where we begin to think that how we previously thought of ourselves may not be an accurate picture. There is another side to our being that we have ignored and now it's time to try to understand what's going on. In short, the "why" has nothing to do with you.Quote:
Originally Posted by CuriousWife2013
Fixing would inply that something is wrong and that isn't the case. Clearly it is different from what you thought, but there really isn't anything for you to fix.Quote:
Originally Posted by CuriousWife2013
I think there needs to be a very basic conversation. I think you and your husband need to explain, in straightforward terms, what is going on for each of you. Talk about what you know, what you think you know, what changes, what one needs from the other, initial reaction, etc. This isn't easy stuff, but Life does continue.Quote:
Originally Posted by CuriousWife2013
Now, I have made an assumption here. I have assumed that your husband is strictly a crossdresser. If it turns out that he feels he was born into the wrong body, that's a different situation. That raises other questions and could have major implications for the future.
Hi Curious Wife, I'm also the partner of a crossdresser. Welcome to this place!
You did not make him this way. He would be a crossdresser even if he had never met you or if he had never married. You cannot fix it. It is a part of his wiring and although it is not easily understood in our society, it is entirely possible for you to stop feeling threatened by it.
How do you support him while not feeling cheated on?
Time. There's no other way than through baby steps, learning, talking lots with your husband, and all of this will take time. Several years, maybe. You will need to redefine certain things in your relationship.
Your emotions will also yo-yo quite a bit, so just know that it is natural to go two steps forward and one step back. Some days you will be OK with it, and other days you will wish it all to go away. Eventually, it will stabilize, you and your husband will have reached a comfortable place with it all, and you will barely notice when he dresses. Really. :p
You will need to educate yourself about the CDing and in the process you will discover there is a great deal more to gender than black/white, male/female. There is a spectrum of gray shades in between, and so there is a wide variety of different needs and ways to express alternative gender identity. You will need to understand some basic definitions, and then you will spend time getting to know your husband's particular level of cross-gender expression.
You will eventually learn that your husband (likely) does not want to do this full time, he does not do it to attract men, and he does not dress because he believes that you are not enough for him. He likely does not know why he is driven to dress, but one truth that applies to everyone here, is that they do need to.
So the best place to start learning is to start getting involved in this forum and make friends here, while being particularly careful to show your husbands posts that frighten you, for example if you read a thread where it seems as if everyone wants to have sex with men (:p). We have had our share of such threads. Anyway it is important to realize that your husband will not relate to a lot of stuff here, and so you must not assume that everything you read applies to him.
The next step is to join our private FAB (Female At Birth) forum: http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...f#faq_gg_forum
You may also want to ask about book recommendations.
:hugs:
PS. Don't ever pretend to be happy about this when you're not. If you do, it will eventually blow up in your face and you will grow to resent the crossdressing. Just as your husband has been honest with you, you need to be honest with him if you don't feel like taking his picture or dressing up with him on any given night. It is important for your husband to realize that it will take you just as long to feel comfortable with it as it took him to reach self-acceptance.
Dear Curious,
Thank You! Thank you for wanting to learn more, and Thank you for your understanding. You are a special woman.
Please realize he is feeling very bad right now. He is confused, he is frightened that he will lose those things he cares most deeply for, and he feels that he has let you down.
Please prop him up. He needs you, and he is not less than he was, he is now giving more. He is now Dear Hubby enhanced!
And it's not you. You have not let him down. He's always been this way, same as me.
I wish you both all the best,
Michelle
I think Reine's advice is very good, Wife. U should NOT feel the need to do anything RE your SO.
What you're "job" should be, is to figure out how u r feeling about him and his dressing. And, communicate your feelings honestly, yet unjudgementally as possible, to him.
Remember, he may feel as confused and frustrated as u! And, your open communication may help him to open up, too.
U r allowed, and maybe even r expected, to change your mind about how u feel. And, so is he!
I told an old girlfriend I had been close to on and off for 25 years. I took a chance and told her about Sherry. Like u, she initially was complimentary and supportive. However, after awhile she seemed to become sick of seeing pics of and hearing about Sherry! Resentful and jealous is what I got from her. We've had no contact in over 2 years now. I guess I chose Sherry over her?
Not saying that will happen with u 2. It's likely no one knows what will at this point.
CuriousWife,
I wont' repeat what others have already said. Instead, I'll provide some encouragement (I hope.) Please continue to learn, support and understand. It's the right thing to do. My wife and I have been at this together for better than 3 decades. The love we share as a result is infinite, and the shopping experiences are to die for :daydreaming:
Good luck sweetie!!
I think that when I referred to as "cheated on", I was thinking about him doing the CD and me not being a part of or included at all.
As for the makeup, he did express an interest (before he told me that he was a CD) and I blew it off. Now that I know, I wanted him to know that I was okay with ALL of it, and that's why I suprised him with the makeup kit and heels.
Dear Jolene,
Thank you for that. We actually just got back from dinner and he said exactly that...he was a little overwhelmed at the fact that I was so "okay" with him the way he is. I was talking about going out with him all dressed up, and he literally looked like a dear caught in the headlights. I asked what was wrong, and he said he was surprised. I told him that I was a little scared but still very supportive and he said he was also a little scared. So I am going to slow down and wait for him to make the next move. But I will always support him. I love him.
Curious.
You are so awesome, CuriousWife. :)
It is possible that he will have difficulty sharing this for several reasons:Quote:
Originally Posted by CuriousWife2013
- he may not know how to trust anyone, he may never have trusted anyone with this part of himself
- he may fear rejection. Yeah, that would be irrational - you couldn't be more accepting and patient. People aren't rational
- he may be embarrassed about his looks
- he may not accept this about himself yet. I know that seems irrational, but doing this with you may feel like he's committing himself to this. I know that sounds crazy too, but I know I lied to myself about what I am. (I it is really hard to imagine how a person could sit around in lingerie and think "aw hell no, I'm no cross dresser!' But I did.)
It may be something else too. Keep trying to talk to him, keep doing what you are doing. He will eventually understand you are there for him.
Like I said, a counselor might help get things going, there's no shame in that.
Good luck, and God bless you.
I didn't mean to intrude, I was unaware of "The Loved Ones" Forum. I do apologize if I've overstepped my boundaries. Thanks you for the information. I really appreciate it.Quote:
Originally Posted by Annette Todd
You are totally not intruding here! You are welcome here! :love:Quote:
Originally Posted by CuriousWife2013
Paula,
Thank you. You have made me feel welcome. When my husband came home from work, and saw me crying while I was re-reading your post, he asked me what was wrong. I told him that they weren't sad tears, and then I told him about how "okay" you made me feel. He wanted me to express his deepest gratitude to you and he wanted to know if you were close to us. I told him I didn't know. You already have a special place in my heart and I appreciate you and all of the knowledge that you have bestowed upon me. You are a gem! :hugs: :cheer:
Curious Wife - you should be proud of yourself for what you are, and what you are doing! There will be bumps on the road ahead, mut you can get over them if you keep communication open and honest. Having read your replies, I think that you will.
You have had some excellent advice here, of course, but please, do NOT allow yourself to be drawn into overstepping boundaries which you feel are appropriate - that way lies conflict.
As for intruding, I think I dare speak for all of us and say welcome, and thanks for trusting us.
I wish you both happiness,
Hugs, AmandaM
Sadly, I'm halfway across the country, although I do sometimes have to go out to the bay area.Quote:
he wanted to know if you were close to us.
I'm trying to figure all this same stuff out for myself, and figure out how to go through this soon with my own wife. So if I've helped at all, I'm glad, because I'm going to need it for myself when I go through this.
First of all, this had nothing to do with you. This is something we carry inside us and is not "caused" by anyone. It's not a lacking on your part, it's not related to you at all.
Secondly, there is nothing to fix. We are not broken, we are not in need of being "fixed". We are simply in need of someone to understand, accept, embrace and love us for who we are, in all our forms.
Thirdly, you support him by loving him. You support him by trying to understand why he feels this way and not taking anything personally. You support him by TALKING to him and by LISTENING to him. Turning your back on him if you love him only makes it worse for both of you. It drives a wedge between you and can only lead to heartache.
Your SO does sound incredibly lucky to have you.
Your gift of the shoes and make up is a WONDROUS start
COMMUNICATION is the biggest key you've got to exploring this new side of him/each other together
Let him know that you accept him and you do love ALL of him as you've stated in here because hearing that will probably mean the world to him right now.
anyway, you've ticked all the boxes for a good start on this together
more power to you both
xx Chloe xx
Curious Wife, as far as I can tell, you are doing the right thing thusfar. You are accepting of your husband, supporting of him, and even encouraging him (getting him heels and makeup, talking about going out with him dressed). This makes you an exceptional lady who deserves some extra-special hugs. :hugs:
One thing to keep in mind is that he himself may feel ambivalent about his crossdressing. He may feel like it's something he has to hide, reinforced by all the years he did have to hide it. It may take him time to feel comfortable dressed around you, and to realize that his feminine side is actually a blessing, not something to be hidden. (I was atypical; I first dressed for my fiancee very shortly after telling her, and I have never had trouble with her seeing me as Amy.) The way you break him out of his shell is to keep the lines of communication open. Talk to him about it. Ask him about his history with it: when did he first put on an item of women's clothing? What item was it? What made him try it? How did his feelings about it change over time? Learn what it was like to be him, and reassure him that it's okay for him to be the way he is. Because it is, really.
One other thing you did right: you came here. On this site, you won't be judged or thought to be "intruding." But, since you've read through the previous posts in this thread, you already know that. If your husband's not a member, I would encourage him to become one. He'll be welcomed and treated like a lady the minute he shows up. :)
May the two of you both continue and grow in your happiness! :)
- Amy
Hi Curious
I came out to my wife 3 months ago. I thought before telling her that I would loose everything. How wrong I was we now get on better than ever. A new era of love trust and understanding has developed between us. I see by your post you are accepting of your husbands CDing. No you cant fix it as nothing is broken. It is likely he CDed way before you even met him so you did nothing wrong to make him that way. An
I have not read any other posts so I will give you my views.
One, you did nothing wrong and you did not make him this way.
I think that will be a standard reply from all here.
Two, If you are looking for a cure, no!
I suggest talking to him and without any angst between either of you.
It is an adjustment of lifestyle and getting used to your husband wearing something feminine.
To help you along, let him wear female jeans and dress androgynously around home.
You can say no breast enhancement, meaning let him wear a bra but not pad them out.
He may like to wear nice undies, you can let him as you do not ave to see them.
When a man is restricted from dressing he becomes moody and sour.
let him have a little rope and he is as good as gold.
It is really remarkable.
Three,
Support comes with talking and asking questions.
I would assume the following, he is not gay, he does not want to change sex and all he wants to do is present as a woman occasionally.
If he shows a pre disposition towards the first two it is a little more complicated.
It is not the end of the world and he is still your first choice in life as you are his.
Go away encourage him to talk about it and even encourage him to join this site.
Do not think of it as being cheated. He would have been deathly afraid.
Try and quell that fear with considerate questions.
I recommend it in preference to any others I have seen.
I will go now and see what others have advised.
I suspect it is similar.
May I ask you why you feel like youre being cheated on?Quote:
Originally Posted by CuriousWife2013
Ive read your post on #34 but,to me at least,it constitutes a weak reason to feel that way. Forgive me for being blunt but cheating is a powerful accusation. There are things that we all do(men and women) that don't include spouses and it's not considered cheating. The reason I say this is because my dressing is personal and private and since I was not comfortable dressing in front of my wife even though she knew of my dressing, I knew that she wouldn't be able to handle it mentally. Maybe in time she'll be able too but were separated now for the time being and even still she's not able to cope with it.
1)In all probability you did nothing, most of us just are, it's the way we were made.
2 & 3) Talk to him accept that his way, don't try and stop it because that will just cause him to go behind your back, better to be open about it...
Nicky
xx
Don't try to over compensate for any negative feelings you may have had for any male who cross dressers. It would seem natural to try to understand his interest in appearing as a woman. If you are not sure about all of this, please go slow. It is better to take 'baby steps' rather than 'giant leaps' from which it may be difficult to backtrack. Would you be ready to handle it, if hubby always slipped into girl mode 100% of the time at home?
You and your husband need to evaluate the consequences of self outing the situation. Not everyone may be so
welcoming as you have been. Family? Friends? Church? Jobs?
I noticed you posted a picture on your bio page along with membership in an Elks Lodge. Potentially, you may be outing your spouse and self without really realizing it.
Hi,
this is a very interesting thread.
I was writing a answer when I've closed the tab... (Ctrl - W). So, I start again.
Well, I just want to say that crossdressing make me feel I am a woman. And why do I want to feel it ? Because the society only allows women to wear some sort of clothes (or colours), to act a certain way... For me, it's started the day my brother laughed because my parents gave me a red pantyhose for a school show (I think I was 5 years old). It took years and years before I understand that it was the start of a long story... Crossdress to have the right to wear some clothes.
If society accepted that men can act like women act, it won't be necessary for me to crossdress. I would just act as I want to act.
Today, if I want to wear a skirt, it's quite impossible. But, if I crossdress (and really look like a woman), nobody will say anything about my skirt.
It's because it's so difficult to be a man with "feminine" behaviors (thoughts and wishes) that we have to look like women to make the people accept our feminine behaviors (thoughts and wishes). It's quite silly! And I think it can lead to transexuality....
I'm actually working to make the people around me accept my way of dressing. I wear women pants, nylon pantyhose and in summer women sandals. My colleagues are gradually accepting the fact that I am a man (married and with a child) who likes dressing with this kind of clothes. At the beginning, they thougth I was gay! Now, they know that it's wrong and they think : "why not?" about my clothes.
I will soon buy a pair of ballerinas and try to go to work with them. I hope it will goes well...
CuriousWife2013, it's a great idea to accept this situation. You are wonderfull. Your husband couldn't hope anything better. Now, it will be a long way for him to be accepted as a man who likes dressing with "feminine" clothes, but you will be with him, and it will be less hard for him.
OK, it's late and I can't remember all what I have written in my first answer (yes, before Ctrl-W...), so : bye bye...
I'd like to welcome you to the forum, Arns.
It never ceases to amaze me that, no matter what part of the world a crossdresser is from, what type of upbringing he has had, cultural influences, his particular gene pool, etc, his needs and motives will be the same as other crossdressers worldwide! When I read your words, Arns, they are just the same as the words I've read from CDers in the US, Canada, Australia, South America, Europe, India, Eastern countries ...
It's as if there is a collective crossdressers' conscience! Crossdressers like to say they are all individual and their motives for dressing are all different, but I think that fundamentally, for the most part they feel the way that you describe. They may decide to handle the CDing in all different ways, but they want the same things that you do.
Just an observation.
Hmmm. Collective Crossdressers' Conscience. CCC. A new acronym? :D
MissTee,Quote:
Originally Posted by MissTee
Thank you for your post last night. Today was my "first official shopping trip" and it was also my "first official breakdown". :witsend:I was sitting in the middle of the store crying :cry: because I couldn't decide on which outfit to get him. I wanted his First Outfit to be perfect! :cute: and all I could thinkof was that I was once again going to disappoint him. :doh:
So after about 5 minutes I pulled up my big girl panties and told myself that I just needed to pretend that I was shopping for my sister instead of my SO. It got a lot easier. So 5 hours later I'm sitting in our bedroom trying to wrap everything before he gets home from work, and just as I finish putting it all on the bed it was time for him to walk in. I went outside and told him that there was stuff all over the bed and I needed his help to get it off. :devil:
He walked into the room and I was right behind him, and the look on his face was priceless! :eek: I had more fun watching him open everything (a total of 10 outfits, 2 pair of shoes, 2 purses (one for day and an evening bag), jewelry and even new lingerie. The shoes weren't the right size, so we ended up taking them back, he traded the 2 pairs in for 1 (said he could only wear 1 at a time) and he got me the most perfect platforms that a girl could ever dream of! :daydreaming:
I told him before he went to sleep, that I hoped that he liked everything, and he said that I did a good job and he was very grateful. It made my little meltdown seem worth it to see him so happy. :twirl:
I guess I was just wondering why I went from feeling okay about shopping to a darn meltdown in matter of 0.3 seconds. Is that normal?
Paula,
Like I said, I don't think that I would be as "okay and accepting" as I am right now without you and the other ladies. If/when you go thru this with your wife (and you will be wonderful I just know it) and if she needs to talk to someone, I'm her for her and you as well.
Blessings
Curious