The Crossdressing effect, question for everyone

Recently someone asked for advice about there SO and I've noticed that there were a lot of questions about how to make their SO more accepting of their CDing. Many of you say that their wife married a man and not a woman. But I don't think you can separate the two.

My question is, what part of your CDing has helped you be a better man?

For example, my wife loves that I'm empathetic towards others, and my understand and empathy come from my experience and thoughts as a CDer. So by removing the CD aspect of me I might not be as empathetic. Basically some of the things that my wife love about me, and married me for, are more or less because I crossdress. So trying to remove the femme side of me is like trying to remove the eggs from a cake after its baked and expecting the same results.

Is any of this making sense?

I think that if we explained to our SO just how important CDing is to in shaping the personality and person that they fell in love with then I think they would be more accepting.

So in the interest of helping your fellow CDer please tell us how your crossdressing has made you the man you are today. Are there aspects of your CDing that you may not have realized are intertwined with your outward self?

Thanks for answering.

This is like which came first, The chicken or the egg? My personal viewpoint is the characteristics you were born with tends to make you more prone to become a cross dresser rather than continually fight the urges. My mom use to tell me stories of me being generous to a fault with my playmates, giving toys and treats away. That may have directed me to be more compassionate as an adult, but, I do not see even that turning me into a cross dresser. I'd say my cross dressing, once I got past the self loathing and self disgust, and I accepted myself and embraced my cross dressing, definitely made me more accepting of others. That acceptance is not restricted to sexual minorities; other cross dressers, gay and lesbians, but, also acceptance of ethnic peoples and religions.

During my journey through life I've encountered many individuals who express hatred for some group, and, it's usually tied up with some internal self hatred due to their own shortcomings.

The qualities that drew my wife to me were there because I was born that way or developed in childhood. As my wife tells it, she had decided she wanted to be married to me before I even was introduced to her. It was the manner in which I interacted with others that she observed. I guess she was comparing me to other men she had encountered over the years. And, to some extent I overlooked some issues she had because I was still in a period of denial of my cross dressing. Obviously, since we've been married over four decades it has worked out.

I'd also say from what I have read over the years in this forums there are many cross dressers who have absolutely no compassion for their wives or their feelings. They appear to me to display boorish behavior whether dressed as a man or a woman.

The part that is making me better is I'm more aware of what my wife looks for in our relationship. I'm more understanding and compassionate. Now its the opposite when I don't get to dress for long periods. As for making sense the part I just mentioned does but there are lots of other issues that go along with dressing that for me at least do not make sense. Me personally I do not always agree with it. I'm still a guy and like to do things girls don't like to do.

Once we get in touch with all of our feelings and make them our own, we can be anyone we want to be. Being a better human being is not limited by our plumbing.No one is really born a man or a woman, they choose to become one.:)

I think my cross dressing gives me a better insight to problems my wife faces and has probably helped with our marriage over the years.

On the whole I don't think my dressing has made any change in me, other than to provide some relief from stress. I'm the basic same person either way. Since my wife is accepting of my dressing needs there is no added stress issues and I've always had a strong understanding of female issues and problems that I can discuss with her and other females in male or female mode. But, when dressed as a female I do not get a lot of interaction with other females.

Actually I don’t want to be a better man. I want to be a better person.
And I think that’s what you are getting at Briana.

There is no doubt in my opinion that the feminine part of our personality makes most of us better, kinder, more understanding, and softer people.

CD shows that you have an extreme feminine side, which has helped me personally be much more sweet to others. I'm more optimistic and happy about life, and can more easily relate to women!

just watch jessica who's video "advantages to dating/being married to a cross dresser". it explains it very well!

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Originally Posted by Briana90802

So by removing the CD aspect of me I might not be as empathetic. Basically some of the things that my wife love about me, and married me for, are more or less because I crossdress.

Is any of this making sense?

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But, what you consider to be feminine attributes (such as being empathetic) are in fact human attributes that anyone can have. There are men who do give themselves permission to be empathetic, nurturing, kind, etc, and who do not crossdress or feel feminine in any way. Men do have the ability to cry.

I don't believe that CDing shapes the personality in terms of making someone fundamentally kinder or gentler. The CDing is a desire to look and feel feminine, and nothing else. It's just that IMO some CDers have grown up to have a rather rigid view of masculinity and so they've separated human attributes or feelings into what they consider "feminine" or "masculine", possibly stemming from a desire to enhance feelings of femininity, or a desire to not have others guess a desire to wear women's clothing or express sexuality as a woman. Or, maybe a CDer was not as aggressive perhaps as other boys, but felt that he had to pretend to be aggressive in order to fit in. And so he defined non-aggressivity as being strictly feminine because he conflated it with his desire to put on girls clothes.

:2c:

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Originally Posted by ReineD

I don't believe that CDing shapes the personality in terms of making someone fundamentally kinder or gentler.
:2c:

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Perhaps it comes down to whether we are C.D. or T.G. Reine.

After accepting myself as T.G. and living life as the real me and not the way I thought I should live [All male and macho] I have become much more understanding, and softer.

Well I think I have.:straightface:


But you make a good point.

I have no idea..... and its hard to say what I'd be like if I hadn't started crossdressing.... though I can't fathom how someone can get more awesomer that I already am! lmao.... guess Karren - crossdressing could be more modest? :D

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Originally Posted by ReineD

But, what you consider to be feminine attributes (such as being empathetic) are in fact human attributes that anyone can have. There are men who do give themselves permission to be empathetic, nurturing, kind, etc, and who do not crossdress or feel feminine in any way. Men do have the ability to cry.

I don't believe that CDing shapes the personality in terms of making someone fundamentally kinder or gentler. The CDing is a desire to look and feel feminine, and nothing else. It's just that IMO some CDers have grown up to have a rather rigid view of masculinity and so they've separated human attributes or feelings into what they consider "feminine" or "masculine", possibly stemming from a desire to enhance feelings of femininity, or a desire to not have others guess a desire to wear women's clothing or express sexuality as a woman. Or, maybe a CDer was not as aggressive perhaps as other boys, but felt that he had to pretend to be aggressive in order to fit in. And so he defined non-aggressivity as being strictly feminine because he conflated it with his desire to put on girls clothes.

:2c:

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Well, in no way am I saying that CDing is the only reason we are compassionate in one way or another. What I'm saying is CDing is more a part of us than people think. Being in touch with our female side is like being in touch with our artistic side, or our anger. Without it we wouldn't be who we are.

When i look at cding to me i feel as it helps me to.understand women more and expressing my femme side. It also shows i can be nice to ppl and be true to myself

hi briana908802 you make good pont

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Originally Posted by Briana90802

My question is, what part of your CDing has helped you be a better man?

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Better than what? The man you would be if you didn't CD? By extension, does that mean non-CDing men aren't as good as they would be if they CD'd?
Sorry, but no, it doesn't make sense.

I think that I have always been kind, caring, empathetic, but it is not because of my Crossdressing, it is part of me as is the Crossdressing.

When I CD I feel like I can tap into my female side thats otherwise hard for me to do since I work in a male dominated career. I can think more clearly and I feel it helps me make better decisions.

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Originally Posted by NicoleScott

Better than what? The man you would be if you didn't CD? By extension, does that mean non-CDing men aren't as good as they would be if they CD'd?
Sorry, but no, it doesn't make sense.

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Sometime in life certain events may come up that change you forever, like 9/11. Sometime those things are small and sometimes large, either way they can have a profound effect on the way you look at life or how you act outwardly. What I'm asking is, for those that feel that CDing has affected them for the better, what part of you is better because of CDing?

Briana asks a good question, though the ambiguity inherent in our language leaves room for us to nitpick. There are some positive personality traits that are possible in all people, but seen much more often in females than in testerone-driven men. I do think that I have some of these characteristics more than the average man (empathy for instance), but it's hard to say it's due to any CDing factor, as I'm sure Briana knew when she asked.

Here's another characteristic though that can be more strongly connected to my CD side and enhances our relationship: I like to shop for women's clothes with her, for her and for me. I can provide companionship for her in the women's clothing section with far more knowledge and comfort than nearly any guy I know - and actually enjoy it. Same goes for jewelry. We also share an interest in makeup and discuss what does and doesn't work.

Miriam

Since letting my female self come out and express herself,my self esteem has skyrocketed.I take much better care of myself and am just happier all around,whether in fem or drab.

Briana, it makes more sense - I'm glad you clarified.

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Originally Posted by Briana90802

So trying to remove the femme side of me is like trying to remove the eggs from a cake after its baked and expecting the same results.

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How can I make her understand this? I have to say that this analogy is awesome!! I've tried in so many words to explain to her that MOST of what she loves about me is all GIRL and the only part of the boy that she really likes is the gruff appearance, facial and leg hair, etc. I just can't figure out how to get her to see that its me and it'll always be me no matter what I look like. I've even used "what if I were in a terrible accident and lost my legs and my face was all smashed up with an eye missing? would you still be attracted to me? love me?" and of course she said "well thats not something you're intentionally doing to yourself in order to repulse me!" And I said "neither is this!" I'm having real trouble controlling the NEED to be a woman. She thinks its intentional and its not. I mean, how do you explain that? clueless...

i think there will always be certain ppl try to change who you are its just you got learn to stand your ground

For 55 years I was a guy: by that I mean that a feminine side wasn't known to exist, and was certainly untrained. In the last 8 years I have learned a tremendous amount about what it is to be raised (i.e. socialized) as a girl from birth.

When I was "only" a guy, I knew nothing about the details of functioning as a girl. I learned about all of that because I(Tina) suddenly existed one day and needed to learn the details of presenting as the girl I feel I am. Those details make my guy self more informed, and allows him to act accordingly (with more empathy) toward his wife. Also as a guy, he was the classic problem-solver. His wife said something was amiss and he would try to solve the problem. He never understood that she just wanted to talk it out. He only learned that from me (Tina)!

I think everyone is more understanding in our house because of the conversations that have been Tina-inspired!

I do not think that there is anything in my Cding that makes it more accepting for my wife to accept me as it has to be built into her to have an accepting nature of someone who is slightly different that most men, ( OK maybe I under stated the "slightly" bit ) :heehee: It's all down to my wife .

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Originally Posted by Lynnmorgan451

How can I make her understand this? I have to say that this analogy is awesome!! I've tried in so many words to explain to her that MOST of what she loves about me is all GIRL and the only part of the boy that she really likes is the gruff appearance, facial and leg hair, etc.

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You might have better results if you explain to her that you are the same person that you always were, since childhood. Except that now she knows something about you that you have chosen to not disclose to the world because of bias against the CDing. But fundamentally, nothing about you has changed since she met you ... not your personality, not your preferences, not your desire to express who you are.

What I've done, when my wife had qualms about this, was point out to her how different I am from my brothers and from other husbands she hears complaints about. She knows how they are, and how I am, so the comparison can be used to hint that maybe I am the way I am, as a husband, because of my being transgender.

Note that she has no qualms equating transgender with being a crossdresser.

Whether it is true or not, who really knows. So she then finds it easier to accept.

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Originally Posted by Lynnmorgan451

How can I make her understand this? I have to say that this analogy is awesome!! I've tried in so many words to explain to her that MOST of what she loves about me is all GIRL and the only part of the boy that she really likes is the gruff appearance, facial and leg hair, etc. I just can't figure out how to get her to see that its me and it'll always be me no matter what I look like. I've even used "what if I were in a terrible accident and lost my legs and my face was all smashed up with an eye missing? would you still be attracted to me? love me?" and of course she said "well thats not something you're intentionally doing to yourself in order to repulse me!" And I said "neither is this!" I'm having real trouble controlling the NEED to be a woman. She thinks its intentional and its not. I mean, how do you explain that? clueless...

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How can you do something intentionally to hurt someone if you did it before you knew them? Kinda like having a cat before a relationship and then your SO thinks you did it to hurt them because they're not a cat person. For me my SO was accepting but I never dressed in front of her completely. To do so would be a huge shock. I dressed a little here and there first. A top,then some jeans, a skirt and so on until she got use to it. It also helped me to adjust to being seen by her.
Personally, I would tell her that your CDing has nothing to do with her and everything about to do with you. It's about personal feelings and the need to express them outwardly. Many woman believe that it's a failing on their part, but of course it's not. Unfortunately people in general are very accepting of things like being gay or CDing, but then are very different when it happens to them. It's what I call the "not in my backyard" condition. People always want clean energy but when they want to install windmills in the neighborhood they suddenly hate the idea. Talk to her, find out what the real reason is she objects, most likely it's because of some irrational social reason. Perhaps she worried of what others will think of her if they find out about you. Also think about the real reason you dress. Reeeeaaallly think about it. If all else fails then do the "naked time" thing. For example, little kids go through a period where they want to be naked all the time. Of course they can't but you set aside time so that can fulfill that need and then they learn appropriate timing and then they grow out of it. Of course you won't grow out of it but it helps.
Hope this helps some.

Excellent question, excellent thread. Does crossdressing make you a better guy? I'd say no. Does crossdressing make you a worse guy? Again, I'd say no. Does accepting and enjoying the feminine side of one's nature make you a more balanced and "cooler" human being .. well yes, of course :)

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Originally Posted by Briana90802

Sometime in life certain events may come up that change you forever, like 9/11. Sometime those things are small and sometimes large, either way they can have a profound effect on the way you look at life or how you act outwardly. What I'm asking is, for those that feel that CDing has affected them for the better, what part of you is better because of CDing?

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You ask: What part is better because of CDing?
The sexual part of me. I guess I am in the minority, but it has given me an in-touch feeling with a sexual experimentation that I didn't know I wanted. Now it has helped me with my wife, but also allowed me to explore this aspect of attraction. I'm not sure I am "bi" yet, but I know I am interested in finding out, and CDing is allowing me to do so. Make sense?

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Originally Posted by Briana90802

How can you do something intentionally to hurt someone if you did it before you knew them? Kinda like having a cat before a relationship and then your SO thinks you did it to hurt them because they're not a cat person. For me my SO was accepting but I never dressed in front of her completely. To do so would be a huge shock. I dressed a little here and there first. A top,then some jeans, a skirt and so on until she got use to it. It also helped me to adjust to being seen by her.
Personally, I would tell her that your CDing has nothing to do with her and everything about to do with you. It's about personal feelings and the need to express them outwardly. Many woman believe that it's a failing on their part, but of course it's not. Unfortunately people in general are very accepting of things like being gay or CDing, but then are very different when it happens to them. It's what I call the "not in my backyard" condition. People always want clean energy but when they want to install windmills in the neighborhood they suddenly hate the idea. Talk to her, find out what the real reason is she objects, most likely it's because of some irrational social reason. Perhaps she worried of what others will think of her if they find out about you. Also think about the real reason you dress. Reeeeaaallly think about it. If all else fails then do the "naked time" thing. For example, little kids go through a period where they want to be naked all the time. Of course they can't but you set aside time so that can fulfill that need and then they learn appropriate timing and then they grow out of it. Of course you won't grow out of it but it helps.
Hope this helps some.

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I really appreciate your responses, ladies. I have tried warming her up to the idea but it doesn't work. The occasional bra under my shirt to bed, panties and what not. She literally tells me she is repulsed by me when I do it. She withholds affection and talks down to me calls me a fag sometimes. It's probably what you said about social implications if anyone she knew found out about it she would be embarrassed. It's been really hard lately and the one thing you said about really thinking about why I dress?? Well I've put a ton of thought into it. Why is it important? Why would I jeopardize my relationship just to wear lady clothes and makeup? Why is it SOOOO depressing to not express myself this way? It seems so stupid but I can't shake it! I feel right. I feel real. I should've been a girl and its like everything I've done, have a family, work labor intensive jobs, weightlifting, etc were all things I have done in the shadow of trying to hide from this truth; I AM this repulsive sexless creature. And she deserves whatever she wants, happiness. Which is something that my CDing is keeping her from. I wish, hope and pray that she accepts me someday because I truly love her but she deserves to be happy on her terms and I'm not sure I'm capable of being what she needs from a "man" :-(

I am different than most guys but it's not because of my CDing. Does that difference make me better. No. Just different.

I'm with ReineD. Positive personality traits are not connected to being female or a crossdresser. The Men I respect most are the ones who do display empathy and compassion but all the ones I think of are/were not the least bit feminine.

With that said I do wonder what I would be like if I didn't instinctively suppress my inclinations that seem related to my crossdressing. Would I personally be a better person for it... who knows.

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Originally Posted by Lynnmorgan451

She literally tells me she is repulsed by me when I do it. She withholds affection and talks down to me calls me a fag sometimes. ....... And she deserves whatever she wants, happiness. Which is something that my CDing is keeping her from. I wish, hope and pray that she accepts me someday because I truly love her but she deserves to be happy on her terms and I'm not sure I'm capable of being what she needs from a "man" :-(

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Lynn,

No one deserves to be belittle and verbally abused. I'm sure you feel guilty but you should not believe that you have done anything to deserve that. I'm not sure if she is just angry and initially shocked but for the sake of the relationship SHE needs to get past her own anger.

As for her being happy. That's not in your power and not your responsibility. You can and should try to help her be happy and in turn she should make allowances for you to be you. Its called a relationship. In the end she must make the choices and adopt a mindset that will make her happy.
CDing is not something everyone can accept. But it is her own inability to accept it that is making her unhappy.

I'm not trying to give you relationship advice but I wanted to tell you that you arent an awful person ruining her life because you try to look like a girl.

Thanks Brynna. We have a lot to work out and indeed we have a sordid past on top of the whole CD TS bombshell I've dropped on her. She has reason to be angry but I agree with you when you say nobody deserves to be verbally or mentally abused. I know she loves me and I think her aggression towards me is her trying to shake the problem out of me, a hypothetical slap in the face to snap me out of a trance or something. It would've been easier on her also had I thought to find resources like this website prior to coming out. So many of the girls on here have brilliant methods for slowly explaining themselves to their SOs and all I did was tell her that I'm really a woman inside. She even told me that had I just said I like to dress for fun or for sexual purposes that it would've been a lot easier to take. Hind sight is 20/20 though and I'm just thankful she didn't just leave me when I told her. That gives me hope. I know she is willing to deal with me at least on some level and I'm pretty tough when it comes to insults. I can take it (with mascara running down my face from crying) I can take it...

Hello Everyone

After reading this thread and responses my thoughts are...If I love myself for who I am then I can love others for who they are. That would include my wife. Sometimes I wonder if they(non tolerating wives) have trouble feeling this good about themselves which would answer the reason why they have trouble tolerating and accepting us for who we are and not for who they want us too be. Just wondering of course.:daydreaming:

Maybe it's because CD'ing is solely just a sexual thing for me, but it has not at all made me a better person. CD'ing is a very self centered pursuit for me and there's WAY more productive things I could (should, really) spend my time doing and thinking about.

Not saying I don't enjoy the hell out of it, just saying that I'd be a better person if I wasn't addicted to it.

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Originally Posted by Briana90802

Sometime in life certain events may come up that change you forever, like 9/11. Sometime those things are small and sometimes large, either way they can have a profound effect on the way you look at life or how you act outwardly. What I'm asking is, for those that feel that CDing has affected them for the better, what part of you is better because of CDing?

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What makes up our character is much more than the recipe for making a cake, but your example is not lost in that it is not possible to separate one part of us and not expect the end result to be different. When it comes to the things that leave a profound impact, they are the things that are the most profound, to state the obvious. What ever the reason for being a CD'er, I would speculate that many of us had something profound happen that helped cement to into our psyche. Starting into a particlular behavior pattern in the early years of life gets a thing deeply ingrained, hence how do you separate it without doing major changes in other areas of ones character? I personally have had a better quality of life once I accepted this part of me. As my mother used to say, "can a leopard change its spots"? Well accepting the "spots" has made life easier/better, as far as character/personality goes, I am the sum of my past, and that I can not change!

How has CDing affected me for the better? It has made me more aware of how I need to love and accept others for their personality quirks, because I want them to accept me. I am reminded of a verse out of the bible which says," God's power is made perfect in weakness". My weakness is that I can not change who I am, but accept it and then get over myself.

Being part of a non social accepted group makes me more sensitive to other minorities and non accepted groups. I think I am more tolerant and open minded, this Forum has helped to that as I learn everyday about so many different perspectives and experiences.

So, it makes me a better person not really a better man.

RAchel