Moving Forward with a bit of a Confession

Hi everyone,

As you know, I am relatively new here and have only recently come out to my wife and a few select family members and very close friends. My sticking point in my journey has always been my job. I work in the military with a very "special" community and the support in that world would not be good. I have been seeing a gender identity therapist for about a month now and she suggested that perhaps it is time to divest myself of this last stumbling block. I have to admit I was a bit reticent as I love my job and love the environment. In essence, I felt as though I was giving up a part of my male identity. However, applying introspection to the issue, I also came to realize that it is not just about me but my wife as well. I would be lying if I did not say my choice of employment has put a huge strain on my marriage. So, I have at last taken steps to remove myself from my current employment in the military and move back to my former military occupation (psychologist . . . go figure eh?)

Now the confession:

When I first posted on this forum, I alluded to my employment and when everyone assumed I was from the United States, I felt that was a better course of action as my military community is very small in comparison to the same US military community. Paranoia is a big factor of my job and I felt that it would be easier to hide among thousands vice hundreds in case someone wandered on to this sight. For me, compromise comes with serious ramifications to the safety of myself and my family. However, I soon came to realize if someone from work found me on the forum then I would have to ask if "why were you on the forum?" If a stranger found me and tried to use it compromise me . . . Heck I am out to my wife and if that person decides to tell work . . . I'll deal. So compromise is not an issue.

So, I am not American but Canadian.

I will firstly apologize to all you great gals south of us who may have thought I was American, this was not done with malice but with an effort hide a portion of my identity among the masses. I will now apologize to all my Canadian sisters for not coming clean. It is not because I am ashamed of being Canadian, it is because I needed to protect a bit of my identity.

The Canadian military may be accepting of TG/TS gals . . . it is against regulations/policy to discriminate, harass or harm. However, policy is policy, beliefs, convictions and hate are a different thing. I am still not out to a vast majority of folks but I imagine it will happen slowly. My new Commanding Officer knows and a few close work colleagues. Will I go to work "en femme" not likely as I only have three years left until I retire and besides, as much as love being Isha, I love being me "en male" as well. This new revelation just provides me with breathing room to continue to explore.

So that is my confession. Once again, very sorry to have mislead you all but I wanted to start fresh from this point forward. The stories and anecdotes I have shared to date are all true accounts, I just did not say they happened in Canada vice the United States.

Finally, should the moderators believe my slight indiscretion is ban worthy, I understand and hold no ill feelings. Should that occur, I want to thank you all for you great advice and warm support. I will miss you all dearly as you have provided me with great clarity and new found strength to accept who I am. If I am allowed to remain, I look forward to sharing more about the real Isha as I continue my journey

HUGS to you all.

Isha

Don't worry Isha, You still ok w/ me. Don't worry about the naysayers, there everywhere and they're not as perfect as they proclaim too be. Just be yourself Sweetie.:hugs:

I am sure that every one here holds back information about things while online. If your smart, you DO NOT put all of your information out there no matter what site or community your a part of. There are too many people out there doing the wrong things with other peoples information if they can get it.

Of all of your posts that I have read recently, I don't believe any one asked where you are from but more importantly is it any of their business where your from? If your closeted, which your not, you are more than likely to cover certain tracks or identifiers that may out you and there's nothing wrong with that.

Seems to me, your making a big deal out of nothing really ;)

As for the job change, you have to do what is right for you and your relationship. If your retiring in 3 years, you may want to wait it out and collect the full benefits that are due to you but ultimately that is your decision and I wish you the best in whatever you chose :D

Gosh I thought it might be something awful, like you weren't a hockey fan!!!!

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Originally Posted by CarlaMichelle

... I thank you for your honesty but really don't feel as if you've anything to be sorry for. :)

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Originally Posted by MysticLady

Don't worry Isha, You still ok w/ me. :hugs:

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Carla / MysticLady. Thanks much for understanding :)

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Originally Posted by ~Joanne~

Seems to me, your making a big deal out of nothing really ;) . . . If your retiring in 3 years, you may want to wait it out and collect the full benefits that are due to you

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Hi Joanne. Perhaps I am but my therapist believes that I should be honest in all things related to this as it will help to reconcile. BTW, I will be staying the in the military don't want to give up that 35 year government pension :)

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Originally Posted by Paula_56

Gosh I thought it might be something awful, like you weren't a hockey fan!!!!

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OOPS . . . Confession 2 - not really a big hockey fan :eek:

Hugs all,

Isha

So, your a C eh N eh D eh I eh N, you are not alone. I have now and had members in the Canadian military in my family, and yes they are a close knit community. Please don't do anything to hurt your getting your full pension. My brother inlaw has found that pension very handy as older individuals can find it difficult getting work, due to age. I have a good friend on this site who is in the armed forces on the east coast. She must be deployed at the moment as I have not heard from her for awhile. So get that flag flying in the lower corner of your page, we Canadians need to show our pride in Canada... the greatest country in the world. And we should know, because we live here!

Hi Isha. Not being fully forthcoming about your location is nothing to get banned for or anything to worry about. It is a non-issue as far as I am concerned (for whatever that is worth). There are much bigger deceptions and lies constantly floating around here. As far as I can tell, your actual location does not change anything that has happened to you or your experiences and feelings related to them. It is totally understandable wanting to protect your security and safety especially among those you do not know. IMHO, you have done nothing wrong.

No harm, no foul here. Just send me some Cuban cigars and all will be forgiven :D

Not sure why you think that would warrant a ban, especially when I knew you were from Canada, says so in your IP address ;) you however can go sit on the naughty step with some of my staff... :waiting:

I'm from dolphinham, home of dolphin hood :D

Isha, no one gives out full information. It can be easier than you think to be outed just by posting a little bit of information. Just by giving my age, location, and work status is enough that someone I know in real life reading my posts might figure out who I am. Especially if they can detect a writing style or way of thinking from my posts.

The absolute worst thing you can do is give two dates of significance, with or without the year. That will almost guaranteed to get you outed. Any two of the following: birthday, wedding anniversary, date of breakup or divorce, start or end date of a job, family member birthday, or any other date of significance that others know about. If I say my birthday is March 17 and I got married on August 28, this would hold true for only 1 in 130,000 people...hence anyone who knows these two dates will probably figure out it's me, especially if they already know my age and location (assuming it was true, and assuming there's people who know both of these dates....these dates are not true dates for me, I'm just using them as an example...I'm not even married)

I purposely hid my birthday so I wouldn't be outed. Remember the information I gave can sadly be enough for someone to figure out who I am, but by withholding important information no one can be 100% certain.

Isha wonderful person it's of on matter to us were you live As far as I'm concerned your one of us and belong here. I for one would hate to lose you from our little world. I hope that never happens.:hugs:
Angie

You are just so sweet Isha, but you owe no one an apology for protecting your where abouts, shoot I'm from " The Road Less Traveled", says so in my profile so it must be true!!!! :D

omg, canadian??? liar, liar pants on fire...is that it?? :eek:
i thought you were going to tell us that you were a male... :D

The giveaway was your signature saying "My other car is a zamboni!"

good one, lol, how many miles per gallon do you get with a zamboni??

Oh well, we can't all be perfect, some have to be Canadians. :)

I'm just worried that you may be moving quickly with life changes. Your therapist may be wonderful but she/he is not the one walking the gangplank, it ain't his/her retirement on the line! And speaking as a retiree, income stream makes all the difference!

Hugs,
Persephone.

Where you are from makes no difference. We are here to discuss what is a common bond that seems to transend borders. Now, if you aren't a hockey fan (sorry Karen), try telling us you aren't a Tim Horton's fan. Then we drum you out of here.

Hi Isha, I'm Canadian too, but living in the US. I never assumed you were American, I never assumed anything since you didn't specify your location.

But I have a quick question. Unless I missed something, what are you coming out as, a CDer or a TS? Since you do not want to give up a part of your male identity, I assume you're coming out as a CDer, or perhaps as Gender Non-Conforming rather than a woman? And if you are not a woman, do you want to live full-time as one and if not, then why is it necessary to come out at work?

... I'm trying hard to not make assumptions. lol.

Isha you are fine I wouldn't worry about getting banned.
We all have our reasons for not telling everything about us.

So you're a Canadian too. Good for you.:) I'm surprised no one so far has asked if you know "so and so", whose also a Canadian. :battingeyelashes:

Veronica,
a modestly proud Canuck

For those with military experience and understand what Isha means by "special", I think she is between a rock and a hard place.

There is way too much "T", maleness, aggression in these "special" units and I think the question is whether to stay in the unit or move on to a less "exciting" job. I would not even consider coming out to these guys.

I have known three "special" Navy guys from my days during 'Nam and there is only one of the guys I would even consider telling about Miki. Even then there would have to be a really compelling reason to do so. Sometimes the hill you are climbing not only too tiring, but also too dangerous.

Oh, about your Canada problem, you don't have a problem. :)

I'm really proud of you for coming out as Canadian, Isha - that took real courage! :p (just kidding)

In all seriousness, I think many of us, to varying degrees, fudge on our location and personal info - that isn't so important. Your narrative rings true, that's the part that really matters. Which side of the border you are on, not so much.

I don't have a problem with your nationality. I am very nervous about you coming out. I retired from the military and still have a government job. I have no ideal what the reaction would be if my peers knew. Some may suspect, but they have never pushed the issue. Thank goodness as I can see the government removing me from my job because of my CD'ing... I wish you the best of luck! Love all your post by the way!
Genny B

I never noticed any kind of deception, and there is nothing wrong with trying to protect oneself (especially if the repercussions can be harsh). You did not do anything with ill will or mean intentions toward anyone.

Ohhhh, boy! I remember this one op; really going into the fire from the frying pan. We went in with some British SBS, and Canada sent their version of SBS; 3 boy scouts, 2 slingshots and a damned fine canoe!

All kidding aside, I have worked with a few Canadians in the day, and fine men, all. And I still salute you for your service.

Even if I'm not allowed in your country.

Hugs,
Leah

Hi Isha, I think that the important thing is to do your three years for your family and future.

Isha, I don't think that your "confession" now requires you to flee to China or Russia. However I do agree with other posts not to push the envelope further than you have with three years to go unless
your CO has another spot for you to complete your three years. BTW, i do get a small Canadian
"Old Age Pension" and was married to a Cree/Scott gal for 52 years.
And thanks for your comments on my "outing"
Julie

Hi everyone.

I am very happy with the support in this thread I thank all for responding. I am glad I did not upset the apple cart as I would miss you all. I want to thank everyone who replied.

For all who asked, my pension is fine as it is fine in the Canadian military to be TG/TS or in my case CD. I will finish my last three years out in my old occupation as a psychologist. So my pension is safe and sound. :)

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Originally Posted by ReineD

Hi Isha, I'm Canadian too, but living in the US . . . But I have a quick question. Unless I missed something, what are you coming out as, a CDer or a TS? . . . And if you are not a woman, do you want to live full-time as one and if not, then why is it necessary to come out at work?

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Hi Reine. Coming out as a CDer but to a select few (CO, a few work colleagues and supervisor). There have been a few noticeable differences in my appearance (body hair, eyebrows, weight loss) and I needed to head off any questions which may come up. For the most part as a psychologist, it is a non-issue but when I work with clients, there may be some reticence from them should they feel uncomfortable. As such, if questions come up, someone needs to be able to answer them.

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Originally Posted by Nikki A.

Where you are from makes no difference. . . . try telling us you aren't a Tim Horton's fan. Then we drum you out of here.

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Oops . . . confession three. Diehard Starbucks fan ever since my first cup I have been chasing the dragon :heehee:

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Originally Posted by Rileyaz

The giveaway was your signature saying "My other car is a zamboni!"

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Funny thing, had a part-time job as a Zamboni driver when I was a in high school . . . go figure eh?

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Originally Posted by Julie Denier

No harm, no foul here. Just send me some Cuban cigars and all will be forgiven :D

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Ah . . . Cuban cigars I do love them dearly. :)

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Originally Posted by Gillian Gigs

So, your a C eh N eh D eh I eh N, you are not alone. I have now and had members in the Canadian military in my family, and yes they are a close knit community. Please don't do anything to hurt your getting your full pension . . . So get that flag flying in the lower corner of your page, we Canadians need to show our pride in Canada... the greatest country in the world. And we should know, because we live here!

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Pension not an issue as TG is not an issue in the military. Working on the flag :)

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Originally Posted by Veronica27

So you're a Canadian too. Good for you.:) I'm surprised no one so far has asked if you know "so and so", whose also a Canadian. :battingeyelashes:

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Yeah, I used to get that a lot when I was deployed internationally. I usually answered "Not really but I do know the name" :)

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Originally Posted by mikiSJ

For those with military experience and understand what Isha means by "special", I think she is between a rock and a hard place.

There is way too much "T", maleness, aggression in these "special" units and I think the question is whether to stay in the unit or move on to a less "exciting" job. I would not even consider coming out to these guys.

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I hear you Miki. It is likely it will get known at some point and I guess to most they will consider me dead (figuratively not literally). But I need to move on with my life and if they cannot accept then I guess it is their loss.

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Originally Posted by Genny B

I don't have a problem with your nationality. I am very nervous about you coming out. I retired from the military and still have a government job. I have no ideal what the reaction would be if my peers knew.

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For the most part, those who know are supportive and somewhat curious. I get a lot of "never would have guessed in a million years". However, I still work "en male" and continue to explore Isha on my own time.

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Originally Posted by Julie Gaum

Isha, I don't think that your "confession" now requires you to flee to China or Russia. However I do agree with other posts not to push the envelope further than you have with three years to go unless
your CO has another spot for you to complete your three years.

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Hi Julie. It is not an issue in Canada as discrimination against a TG gal in the military is illegal. I do have a new position in my old occupation as a psychologist so my last three years will go off without a hitch.

Hugs all

Isha

I never sensed any deception hun so its all good with me. I got speaking to loads of Canadians during the summer who were all absolutely great craic at the World Fire and Police games, watching my first games of softball ever. Never been one for baseball but its great watching it in person with a few beers and being more sober than the players lol Apparently our roads are too narrow, not straight enough and our cars are too small, and the steering is on the wrong side and stick shift is alien, especially on the wrong side. I corrected these foolish fools by agreeing to disagree because I do not wanna mess with the Toronto Police. But I digress, dont be going anywhere, because you joined here about the same time as me I think and love hearing your stories (good and bad, but thats part of the human experience) and seeing you grow over the last few weeks, its great. You're a million times more out and about than me, but i'm getting there too.

Good luck Isha and keep up the good work x

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Originally Posted by Isha

Funny thing, had a part-time job as a Zamboni driver when I was a in high school . . . go figure eh?

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Had you added the "eh" in your previous posts it would have given you away;)

:canada:

No worries about us other Cannucks being upset...Heck, if you're ever my way, I'll buy ya a Timmies..double double.

Well, "Isha", if that is your real name . . . . . . . Wait a minute. You were lying about that, too, weren't you? My God, woman, how on earth can we ever trust you now? Oh the deceit, the misdirection, the fantasy world construct that you've built up around yourself. I'm truly shocked that you've not been 100% truthful in all things when on-line. This is a first in the history of the universe. Thankfully for the rest of us, you are the only one who has EVER had the temerity to be less than completely honest with the rest of us.

On behalf of all the sisters here, I must give you a resounding "TSK TSK". There, let that be a lesson to you. Now, having been suitably punished, we welcome you back into the fold, knowing that you will never again even think of lying to us.

(Also, thank you for your service. All the military need a few more good men who are also good women!)

Playfully,
Rhonda Darling (really, could anyone make up a name like that?)

You hardly need apologize. It's perfectly reasonable to want to protect your identity. Whether a particular factoid is precisely right is less important than being true to yourself about who you are. You've shared a lot about your inner truth.

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Originally Posted by Isha

It is not an issue in Canada as discrimination against a TG gal in the military is illegal.

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For that, you will find a lot of envy even if the culture can still make it difficult. We've got a long way to go in the states but the winds are at least blowing in the right direction.

Good luck to you in whatever direction you go and thanks for serving your country and our many common causes.

-Bree

Tamara is watching! She already knew.:)

As for coming out, unless you're TS and suffering from dysphoria or going full-time CD I don't see any reason to disclose to them and thanks for your service.

Isha
You don't owe anyone an explanation. Except perhaps why you would belong on a forum with us girls. I know that you were on a secret mission to the U.S. from the Canadian Gov't. to find out why a Canadian hockey team hasn't won the Stanley Cup in so long.

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Originally Posted by vallerie lacy

Isha
You don't owe anyone an explanation. Except perhaps why you would belong on a forum with us girls. I know that you were on a secret mission to the U.S. from the Canadian Gov't. to find out why a Canadian hockey team hasn't won the Stanley Cup in so long.

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Drats . . . my secret mission has been foiled . . . this post will self destruct in two seconds give or take an hour or two. :)

Hugs

Isha

Fly Specks Dear One.. Fly Specks,

The art of self disclosure is just that.... It is an art. Art is subjective in the eye of the viewer. Interpretation of art is subjective and mutable. You are still loved by all. NOW,, about that little desire to change species,, DON'T YOU DARE !

No big deal to me Hon. They can't use the knowledge to compromise you unless they can use it against you, which since your CO and some comrades know, make it a moot issue.That would be my only concern for you and yours. Just happy you are here to share with us my friend. ;):battingeyelashes::)

Isha,
We all keep some of our skeletons in the cupboard, even on these forums.

No ill will here. I understand the need for some anonymity.

I have things that I have held back and intend to hold back for a bit yet, too. Not because they are earth shattering, disappointing, or shocking, but because this whole CD-ing thing is relatively new to me in recent history and definitely the desire to eventually go out en femme is very new. This is a process, and as I become more comfortable, (much as you did Isha ;) ) I'll share. You girls will just have to wait, for now I get to have what every girl wants... a little "feminine mystique" :p

Hey Isha!

I know what it feels like. I still lie about my birthdate and location. Many people think it is not being courageous. May be they are right. But I am not yet "ready", you know. I think people should give time and space to anyone who going through any kind of identity crisis. Some come out early, some too late. It's important to be supportive, than to be critical. *Hugs*

Canadian military...Consider yourself lucky that you are not facing a furlough due to our congress not being able to compromise on a budget! Isha, you will regret confessing that you are a psychologist. Someone just might nominate you to be the psycho-gatekeeper for this cd zoo! You are a blessing to the cause.

Hi all,

Thanks very much for your comments and understanding. I know on the grander scale of things it is not a huge issue but I have spent so much of my life lying about this part of me (CD not the Canadian part :)) that I just wanted to start fresh and with a clean sheet.

Hugs all

Isha

Lucky you weren't in the British military. It's so small now, they've thrown away rank and everyone is on first name terms :heehee:.

Met a lot of good Canadian forces during my trips to Goose Bay and some trips around BC. Keep things low key until you finish your term, then you can fly your flag high on the mast.

Rebecca

Hi Isha,

I highly doubt anybody is disappointed about your attempt to keep your identity private. I don't care if you're actually from Australia, or Venus.. We're glad to have you here!

As far as my personal-life, my small immediate family (wife) is in the know. Beyond that, especially concerning work; I prefer to remain anonymous. So in that regard, if anybody is trying to figure out my location; I'm from Antarctica. Once I near retirement age, and my family's life no longer depends on my income to support our source of food and shelter; I won't care nearly as much.

But then again, I guess, if I was out in cold-turkey fashion. Life would go on, just with a slightly altered set of non-accepting friends, and co-workers missing from daily life.