What's more important being in a relationship such as marriage or CDing?

Recently I was sitting down and thinking about what has transpired in my relationship with my wife. Things seem to be okay between us, but in one conversation she had expressed she wanted a divorce, remain friends, and if in the future, I have gone through all my problems (CDing) and prove to her a lot of things; she has no problem getting married again. This was brought up 5 times during one conversation. As if I was not getting the hint. So I am here asking myself what's more important: giving up CDing and try to fix a broken relationship that may never get better or accept who I am and that I like to CD (or even take the road of transition) and finally be happy and live my life. How many of you have reached this point? If you had to chose between giving up CDing to save a marriage or to walk away; what would you do?

That would be for you to decide. I knew at an early age I had a predilection to wearing woman's clothes and disclosed to my wife on our 3rd date. We have been together 34 years and married 30. Now that I am transitioning it will only be a matter of time before we divorce. We live together in the same house and sleep in different rooms. There is a possibility we will keep the house and continue to live as roomates. I only know that you have posted you need more than to just crossdress. Good luck with whatever direction you go.

After 30 yrs of marriage, during which my wife would switch from being accepting/tolerant to not being so (during which she would mention divorce), I'd had enough and told her she could leave if she wanted, that I would always love her, but she knew good and well that I could never stop CDing (reminding her of the numerous times I tried).

She didn't expect that, left and went for a drive. Came back and has been accepting ever since. 38 yrs married.

YMMV

It seems to me that being yourself is the most important thing. If CD is just a curiosity and you won't hurt losing it then by all means save the marriage. Is it's an integral part of who you are, then she is effectively telling you that your not good enough for her. Is that the person you want to be married to?

Nobody but you can really answer that, and it's a horrible place to be in. My first wife said she understood, and even tried to be helpful but I could tell she didn't like it. While it wasn't the biggest factor in our divorce it was there. It's like Sophie's Choice, but you're being asked to cut out a piece of your life that makes you happy.

Sorry I don't have any real answers for you. :-(

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Originally Posted by stefan37

That would be for you to decide. I knew at an early age I had a predilection to wearing woman's clothes and disclosed to my wife on our 3rd date. We have been together 34 years and married 30. Now that I am transitioning it will only be a matter of time before we divorce. We live together in the same house and sleep in different rooms. There is a possibility we will keep the house and continue to live as roomates. I only know that you have posted you need more than to just crossdress. Good luck with whatever direction you go.

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In the end I can figure things out for myself as I am the one living it. She had asked me how long I need to move out because she's not a person to just kick me to the curb. So while I do live in the same hone and room for now that may change

We can't have it all! My wife has told me something along those lines as well that if I went all the way I would lose her love but gain a best friend. Its a tough choice, personal happiness over happiness with someone else.

Dealing with your gender is more important than your marriage. You are powerless over your gender. (You are also powerless over whether or not your wife ultimately chooses to stay or go - you literally have NO control over this.)

I told my wife that I would pursue an understanding of my gender issues, whatever the cost and wherever they lead. She understood, correctly, that this meant even if it ended our marriage, which it has done.

You have to be true to yourself first before any of your promises to another have any meaning.

The alternative is a life of misery, and for some of us, possibly death.

That's a question every "girl" has to answer for herself. The point being that many women cannot tolerate sharing their man with another woman, even if she is a fabricated one. Many don't feel they are in a partnership anymore. :)

Just the other night my SO did say that the clothes belonged to another women or that I was in fact cheating, things would have ended a long time ago. She is tired of being supportive and no longer wants to deal with that part of myself.

Paula, I agree.
Regardless of the reasons it was kept secret, once the issue is out it needs to be really out, as it doesn't do any good to say, for example, that you just like to occasionally crossdress for stress relief when you know you really want to transition.
I was one of those guys who thought my desire to crossdress (for sexual excitement) would be replaced by the desire for my bride (for sexual excitement).
Once it came out, and we tried to resolve my desire to dress with the thought of it making her sick, we eventually split. Fortunately, we both agreed that a friendly split would be far greater for us both than fighting all the way there. But it wasn't the choice of walking away from marriage or giving up CDing.
She moved on, I moved on, and life got better for us both.
For many couples, however, marriage and crossdressing are not incompatible.

For me, the relationship - but that may not be for everyone.
I've kept my CDing secret for fear that it could destroy relationships. I have been able to both supress and submerge my hobby because it has been that - perhaps a curiously driven hobby, but I have been successful at hiding and supressing it.
If you can't supress something because it so obsesses, drives, impassions you, then it is more than you can control and I would suggest you jeopardise your own happiness and psychological well being by ignoring these messages, and I don't see the point in potentially ruining two peoples lives for the sake of a relationship founded on a developing, non-deliberate, but very real falsehood.
I think it's all good advice so far... :hugs:
Katey x

For more than 30 years I believed it was more important to hold the marriage together at all costs. When she finally told me that Miss Jackie had to go, I agreed and away we went. We lived upstairs downstairs for the two years it took to untangle our long marriage but looking back now, divorcing was the best move I could have made. Because I then met a wonderful woman who thought a CD partner was not a problem, but an opportunity for fun. And I've been out ever since.

I also have some of the same feelings. My wife and I are in a DADT relationship. She has made it clear that cding can be "cured". I crossdress to help keep my depression and anxiety at bay. It works for me. I have wanted to talk about my feelings but the snide remarks just push me down. As of late I am thinking that a divorce wouldn't be such a bad thing if it would make both of us happy.

Your wife has used that threat more than once. It's probably a lot more than CDing that is affecting your relationship and if she's unwilling, as you have said before, to engage in counseling I a good faith effort to preserve the relationship, then be smart and honest. Smart by protecting yourself in a legal and financial sense, and honest, that unless she sincerely commits to the relationship, that the two of you should plan for dissolution.

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Originally Posted by PaulaQ

You have to be true to yourself first before any of your promises to another have any meaning.

The alternative is a life of misery, and for some of us, possibly death.

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If you don't accept yourself, and decide to not transition and completely give up CDing to try to save the marriage, you're just delaying the inevitable. You're gender issues will never go away, and will only get stronger as you get older. You need to deal with them now and accept yourself whether you need to occasionally CD or transition completely.

If you decide to stay with the marriage, 5, 10, or 20 years later (or maybe sooner) you're gender issues will come crashing down on you, and will probably make the divorce far nastier than it would be if you divorce now.

If you decide to accept yourself and go down whatever path you need to deal with your gender, then you can consider finding an SO who will accept you. Although it's hard to find someone who accepts CDing or a TS, it's better to at least know that going into the relationship and if you find the right one you can begin on an honest relationship, rather than a relationship based on lies that ends in a horrible way. I think your chances of finding someone your age in the SF area are far better than being 70 living in Alabama (sorry if I offended anyone here).

I used to consult a psychic for advice, and she was pressuring me into dating. I ultimately fired her because she was pressuring me into dating and marriage, as well as for not understanding gender issues (hint: 666). I feel so strongly a need to be my true self is far more important than being in a relationship based on lies just so I don't have to be alone or just to make someone else happy. I may sound like someone who ran away from a relationship to support a "selfish CDing habit" but that's far from the truth. I just want to live honestly and not have to live a lie and sacrifice a huge part of myself to make someone else happy. Once I decide what it is I need to do to effectively deal with my gender, than I'll consider finding someone who accepts me as I am.

I would show the appearance of giving up CDing to save a marriage.

Sometimes things seem to be OK but they're not. It's possible to think you really love someone but maybe it's not really the right person. I came across a book called "love is a decision" and it really is. We can change that decision depending on what is better for both involved in the long run. The decision can only be made by you.

I believe that it's more important to "be who you are".... than it is to remain in a partnership/marriage with someone who eschews a part of you (your C/D-ing).... I've been in both situations.... and the best was having a S/O who was "OK" with ALL of me...

As well, I've found that it's easier and more-rewarding to have a S/O who accepts this "all of you" ... since that likely is a reflection that you and she have much more in-common, anyway.

Of course, it's ideal if you reveal your C/D-ing self early-on, such that this matter doesn't arise after some time in your/her relationship.... and THAT is its own thread.....

It depends on if your out or not. your happiness is most important.

Billie, you have repeatedly stated that you want to transition and have told your wife this fact. Yet in every post I have seen, you write that you are a cross dresser. IF you really want to transition, you are not just a cross dresser.

This distinction is what will determine your relationship with your wife. Do you believe she will she stay married to a woman? That is asking a lot. You need to get your transition thoughts better understood.

My advise would be to just figure yourself out first. I know that's complicated. Your SO knows who she is, what she wants and doesn't want. What your going through probably has you flustered which has her turned off. Women want Mr. Perfect. I'll tell you what, it's better to be hated for who you are than to be loved for someone your not.

Now, If you truly love this woman, and your willing to go cold turkey and live a lie and be everything she wants you to be, just as everyone here said, it all come back. However, love can conquer this vice and if she love you back the same you can go forward. It's a two way street, she has to be a team player. I don't know where you are on gender bending. If you are just an occasional dresser or your woman trapped inside a mans body. She obviously wants nothing to do with your fem side. She wont stand by to get help. She's probably told you she feels sorry for you. This is a tough one, I'd say separate for a while, go get help even if it by yourself. When you figure out what you are up against, like weigh in where she stands and weigh in where are and if it's obvious that there is no future than be true to yourself. That truth will be either with her or being who you need to be. As said, "We can't have it all".

I'm in a similar situation. I'm in a DADT. At first my o' lady said she knows it's something I like to do and loves me. Then it was she didn't wast to see it or know when I did it to that's the one thing she'd never support, and anyone can just quit.She told me once that it was a big turn off. Her image of what a man is to her now has a big crack in it. We have children, a upside down mortgage, retirement, just too many things. I too am torn between choosing CDing or marriage. For me I choose my family, Cding isn't my whole life, I'm an occasional dresser.
Be well, hang in there.

This is very timely in my situation currently. We are not talking divorce yet, but I'm sure she has talked to a lawyer as have I to understand what we have to do to protect ourselves if it comes to that. I am currently starting counseling to determine just what this is to me, and how far I may need to take it or if I can leave it. I have assured my wife I wish to stay married, but I have not promised to give up CDing. I tried to once, it lasted a couple months and hit back with a vengeance. She knows we may not be able to overcome this, and doesn't know where she will go with it either.


All I can say is I wish you well in your journey. I know I value my marriage highly, but also know this will be difficult to leave. I am hoping for an acceptance of sorts, and really liked Stefan's response of living as roomates (as a worse case scenario). That would be beneficial to both of us financially, where as divorce would be very difficult on both of us. All valid things to consider.

I'm divorced after 33 years of marriage. What do you think the answer is?

Jodi

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Originally Posted by Jenniferathome

Billie, you have repeatedly stated that you want to transition and have told your wife this fact. Yet in every post I have seen, you write that you are a cross dresser. IF you really want to transition, you are not just a cross dresser.

This distinction is what will determine your relationship with your wife. Do you believe she will she stay married to a woman? That is asking a lot. You need to get your transition thoughts better understood.

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I do state transition, but then CDing in several post because that feeling of wanting to transition is this in the back of my head, but from denial and trying to cope with these feeling I just stuck to CDing to keep things at bay. At this point in life it is not working like it used to. As far as what my SO knows, she know that I have dressed and painted my toe nails, which she hasn't seen. She has seen me with shaved legs and my finger nails painted with clear polish though and that freaked her out. As far as transition, she just knows that I have a desire and been struggling with these feelings for 20 years.

How do clothes constitute cheating?

From what I know of myself, and also what I know from others You don't just give up being CD. You might be able to hide it, make it go dormant for a period of time, purge and then when it resurfaces back to square one! You do know that If you weren't slipping into your wife's or girlfriends panties after the purge you know the thought will always on your mind. Then BAM! New panties, and so on!

Bottom line is that you can't give up what is part of you for the sake of anyone but yourself! If you do it for the sake of saving a relationship the consequence will be to your own detriment. You will feel resentful, deprived, and at a loss of yourself.

I wish you the best with your situation, it is only you who can determine what you can live with or what you can't live without!

I have been into something like cross dressing ever since I was born. Mom wanted a girl so bad. She sewed dresses for me before and after I was born. Now the urges from childhood may or may not have had anything to do with my enjoying the smooth women's clothes or hose and heels and of course the makeup I find so attractive. I also know I pushed the urge to dress down while raising my family. All the while thinking just maybe I was a weird do underneath my wanting to be a guy but enjoying wearing my wife's panties which she thought didn't matter cause I was her man. I am still ( and she said this just the other day) shaped like a manly man. From the back I have a very small butt, and broad shoulders. Even thought of Professional football type shape. My wife and family and Church means the world to me. I love each one and I will state that if thought cross dressing was wrong spiritually, hurting my wife in any way I would quell it in a heart beat. I'm 64 and having a blast in life with my lover soulmate and best earthly friend. Many have guilt about what they do I believe we shouldn't carry guilt it can only destroy you. God meant for us to be happy so why would you ever have to choose between a soul mate and any weirdness either one of you do. Life's short enough so why make it seem to last forever if you are unhappy. Work things out with your partners but just remember both have to come to the bargains table open minded. I love you all on here and don't want you to ever have to decide is cross dressing or someone you love more important. That's just not in my agenda to ever have to decide that. You must both work on any relationship for it to stand a chance of survival.

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Originally Posted by Tracii G

How do clothes constitute cheating?

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According to her: since the clothes did not belong to her ( we are completely different in size), then that must mean they belong to another women and so I would be cheating.

I am a very loving person to the point caring about how others feel that I don't think about y own happiness. Also seeing that I always wanted a family and for things not to be the way they were when I grew up; I'm willing give up a part of myself to make sure the life it created stays the same. Even if I know it is unhealthy to do so. I ready know to well how this part of me will never go away and if suppressed will come back with vengeance. What makes it even harder when you have an SO that plays emotional mind games by saying she wants divorce and full custody of the kids, but turns around and ask me to hold her at night because she had a creepy dream. I fall for it all the time, but I do need to start thinking about my own happiness for once.

IDK, but it seems to me there is still a big lack of communication going on. Perhaps because you have not told her much about your CDing other than you desire to, she is not ready to grasp it or try to accept it? Or maybe she is just one of those who will never accept it in any form, in which case you might need to be ready for a separation. It sounds to me that where you are on the TG scale is far enough where you will need some acceptance. If you were to get that, and have a bit more freedom, who knows where you are really at. I believe that those who are forced into the closet, or have a serious lack of acceptance around them sometimes becomes even more dysphoric.

I don't see these as separate choices, Billie. If a relationship is really complete and worthwhile, each of those in the relationship must aid the needs of the other - as long as those needs are legal and ethical. If your wife denies the merits of your needs, she shows that she doesn't care about a very important part of you. If she refuses to communicate about it, she implicitly expresses that her desires are valued more than your needs.

I lived through such a marriage for more than 20 years, but never again. My current marriage accommodates all of me, a necessity that I expressed early on - just as I accommodate my wife's unique needs and idiosyncracies. I do compromise to limit my feminine expression in some ways address my wife's needs, but she supports my need to express this very important part of me and has helped me to find my place. This is two-way communication and compromise that enables each of us to grow beyond what either of us could separately - the hallmarks of a quality relationship.

Miriam

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Originally Posted by gendermutt

IDK, but it seems to me there is still a big lack of communication going on. Perhaps because you have not told her much about your CDing other than you desire to, she is not ready to grasp it or try to accept it? Or maybe she is just one of those who will never accept it in any form, in which case you might need to be ready for a separation. It sounds to me that where you are on the TG scale is far enough where you will need some acceptance. If you were to get that, and have a bit more freedom, who knows where you are really at. I believe that those who are forced into the closet, or have a serious lack of acceptance around them sometimes becomes even more dysphoric.

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There was never really any type of communication in this relationship or any type acceptance and there never will be. She knows that I do CD because of the shirt and panties she found. I'm looking at my current situation it seems one minute she's nice and the next really mean as if she was bipolar. This really messes with my emotions and it's not good. I have no family near by and no friends; only those I know at work. I'm still trying to find a good therapist who will help, and I have no support group other then here, so I'm alone trying to sort out a lot of things and afraid to take that next step. I'm like those people that stay in an abusive relationship. It is quite possible that I have become even more dysphoric and acceptance is a big factor. I will look at that more and bing that up with the therapist I have now.

Correct me if I misunderstood your previous posts, but didn't you not only tell your spouse you xdress but you also are thinking of transitioning. Just the disclosure of wearing woman's clothes after years of marriage is devastating, let alone tossing in the Trangrenade. Her mood swings are a natural reaction to what you told her. Not only does she have to wrap around her head about her man dressing as a woman, but add in the thought her man actually wants to change gender is a lot for her to wrap her head around.
In addition to therapy for you, Couples therapy might be beneficial if your spouse is agreeable to attend. If you need to transition, your marriage is most likely doomed. Marital therapy might help her understand what you are experiencing, but I highly doubt it will help to cement the marriage. It may however allow both of you to maintain some type of friendship. If you are a xdresser with no intention of transitioning hopefully you can reach some type of conciliatory arrangement. I you need to transition and take steps toward that end, there can be no compromise. You need to live your life as you.

Difficult decisions for sure, but they have to be made. There is no running and hiding once the genie is out of the bottle.

There must be tons gender therapists in the Bay area. I am sure some woman here can point you one or two.

i dont understand why it all has to be soooo profoundly troubling for a wife.big deal.are there not enough reallll problems in this world to worry about.youy would think that a woman would welcome the fack that her husband can soooo relate to her.....i just dont get all the anger.....but i live it

I am single for this exact reason...I dont want to deal....there are so many S/O posts on here....and dealing with the issues,headaches etc....god bless those that have supportive wives....but I personally can not own a better shoe collection than my girlfriend....this is why I am single

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Originally Posted by bomba

youy would think that a woman would welcome the fack that her husband can soooo relate to her.

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Sadly, women want a man, who will be the man 100% of the time. A CD loses the man card, at least partially, regardless if you CD once a month or daily or anything in between. It's ironic how many women will accept a CDing friend, but not a CDing husband.

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Originally Posted by Adriana Moretti

I am single for this exact reason...I dont want to deal....there are so many S/O posts on here....and dealing with the issues,headaches etc....god bless those that have supportive wives....but I personally can not own a better shoe collection than my girlfriend....this is why I am single

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Same reason I'm not married. Same reason why a psychic pressuring me to date & get married caused me so much stress. Whether your a CD or TS, having an SO usually creates headaches and in the case of TSes (and sometimes CDs) leads to nasty divorces. In my case there were reasons other than the clothes why I'm single, I really really hate the male role in marriages, plus I'm considering transition.

For me the decision is easy. It is CDing. I am not in a relatioship, and seeing a lot of the problems the ladies on this board are having in relationships, there is no desire on my part to get involved in one.

Do you have children together in the home? That would certainly be one factor as to whether or not to save the marriage.

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Originally Posted by bomba

i dont understand why it all has to be soooo profoundly troubling for a wife.big deal.are there not enough reallll problems in this world to worry about.youy would think that a woman would welcome the fack that her husband can soooo relate to her.....i just dont get all the anger.....but i live it

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They are physically attracted to men. They are wired by nature to want men who are "men", and are "gender conforming." Believe me, as a lonely "soft" man, I am not at all happy about that, but it is the way it is.

Billie I'm now convinced that you either have serious mental Heath issues or your a faker and a troll. Your posts are all over the place, one minute your asking this ridiculous question (duh! You will never give up CDing or wanting to transition) the next your moving out, getting your own place, comming out at work etc.

You, my friend, need to get a grip!

If you're for real And want to be succesful at transition (which I now doubt), you will take this advice.
1. Get a therapist versed in gender issues YESTERDAY!
2. Get a good divorce attorney. If you can't afford an attorney you can't afford transition.
3. Find a local support group. Online is all well and good but there is no substitute for meeting face to face with real people going through a real transition.
4 until you have consulted an attorney, stop talking to your wife, she is manipulative, nasty and has threatened you with bodily harm. Also stopping talking to anyone about being trans except your therapist and the people at your support group.

When I was married, I was prepared to do absolutely anything to stay together with my wife, but she had already made other plans that did not include being married to a crossdresser. The guy she was attracted to was gone, replaced by a sissy. And if you're a sissy, it doesn't matter what you're wearing, that's what she will see you as forever; a feminine version of yourself. You can't unring a bell.