How does one become comfortable with themself.

Im kind of at a place in life where I'm just not sure any more. Over the last 30 yrs I have been through so many stages as far as crossdressing goes and I think I finally realized that it isn't the cloths but just trying to be comfortable with who I am.

Has anyone else gotten to this stage and how did you become comfortable with who you are.

For me right now I am trying small steps. Attempting to blend in small feminine things into everyday life. Of course still without having the whole world know I am different. Or is that the secret, does it ever get to the point that you just can't hide it any longer?

To get in touch with ourselves and our feelings, we need to accept them and take ownership of them and also take total responsibility for our own actions and choices. We will make mistakes but this is how we really learn. Making all experiences, both positive and negative, work for us is true progress in a positive direction. :)

Erica,

Sometimes it takes a while to reach our "comfort zone", but once we are comfortable with ourselves and where we are with CD'ing. It's taken years in my case, but as I've accepted myself and who I am, it has become much easier. I hide it less and less and am enoying it more and more!

Hi Erica. It certainly doesn't happen over night. The big steps for me were divided by years. Someone living in lesser degrees of denial might take them faster, but certainly the first step is accepting that you're transgendered. That it's not a disease, an aberration, or a perversion. It's just who you are. Then being able to say it out loud to a loved one, a friend, a counselor...for me just being able to talk candidly was such a big step. And if feeling comfortable is possible, one has to get out and experience life. That comfort level, or self confidence, is borne of experience.

Erica - maybe you've hit on something there...

I read that many of us already do that - some things get noticed, some are less obvious - hidden things make us feel comfortable while not visibly 'outing' us... there's possibly a meeting point where age and our level of discomfort at being totally vanilla coincide, so certainly as I've got older I've cared less about negative reactions... my wife has not noticed my completely shaved legs, but she has spotted my more feminine eyebrows, and she accepts me painting my nails occasionally... how long before other things erupt...?!?!

Those things all make me feel more comfortable - and perhaps some of us reach equilibrium? That has to be a happy achievement..!

I personally think more of us are like fly-by-wire warplanes; we're inherently unstable and we need to make constant tweaks and changes to how we look, what we do, who we tell... in order to keep comfortable.

Perhaps that's the real affliction here - not knowing where exactly that point of harmony lies, so we keep inching towards it, but the comfort zone keeps flexing around it...

Deeply philosophical... time for another coffee I think...;)

Katey x

I guess it comes down to accepting the fact(s) that we are who we are and nothing is going to change this. When I reflect back to the very first time that I "borrowed" a pair of stockings, a garter belt and panties and the shame and guilt I felt and compare it to "now", I can honestly say that I have come to embrace the fact(s) that I am different (but aren't we all) not criminal or perverse but different. I feel soooo much better when I show who I am. I'm not saying I flaunt it, but I show it. I think we have all gone through what you are experiencing but have come to realize this is who we are. One step at a time!!!!!

Molly

I adopted a concept many years ago that has served me well. You really have to monitor your own thoughts and reactions through the lens of, wait for it.
Ninety-nine percent of all stress we endure in our lives, someone else brought to us.
At this point, I am very comfortable with myself.
Because that's who I answer to at the end of the day.
It becomes so apparent how enjoyable life can be when you don't carry other's guilt load.
And that's where the uneasiness about trans behaviour really comes from. Others.

Hi.

Being comfortable in your self ,

,.By accepting ,

(( contrary to how some think.)) your self growing into who you are, being who you are living as who you are, confidence comes by knowing this is you. your not a copy cat you dont have to be like someone else and why should you.

I had the confidence in my self to know what i was age 10, yes born different and not like others male or female yet it was never an issue,

selfworth.

now that was a different matter i had none due to things done to myself , yet after many years i'v accepted i do have my selfworth, for who i am

Self assurance.

i lacked that. over the last 20 years i have gained an assurance in my self because i have grown into my self and no doubts about that,

As a person i had no confidence around people unless they were who i could trust and yes i found 6 people from 1956 they were.... my real friends..... though i have lost contact with 4 the other two i can go and see they know me well enough ,

Listen i still have doubts about myself i lack in many details in my life i have my down days get frustrated, wonder why the hell i was born. theres detail id love to do with more , i dont know,
in a way i can be accomplished, yes i struggle yes i have disabilitys ,

Yet even so im still a strong woman because i'v grown into myself ,

Heres a thought,

were you able to come out with me go where i go meet those many people i talk about with in our groups yes a membership well over 1000' members i know each person as they myself see how i interact with them work with them and just do normal things together, you would never ? .

my confidence or selfworth or self assurance as a person and as a normal woman with in the context of who i am,
I had to go through many issues and detail to get where i am now , sorry no short cuts to life ,

its a learning prosses that can be very hard to work through remember as i see it its not over yet, and no one can do it only you .....

....noeleena...

Erica, I have noticed a change in you from when you first joined to very recent. It's like someone who slowly and very cautiously walks to the edge of a cliff to see the view. Once you get to the edge there's no further, no better view. It's scary to be there but the view is fantastic and hence the reward for the risk.

My cliff edge was not so dangerous. It was telling my wife that I'm a cross dresser, that's it. I know it's weird, it's not really explainable but my life will be unchanged. Cross dressing is just a minor part of me. I do not identify as transgendered and I have no confusion about this subject at all. I'm a dude who cross dresses.

I think your cliff edge is different than mine and it's a little scarier because it has more impact. You have to get to the edge to see the view. Once you do, you can forget the scary walk to the edge and just embrace the view. I think you are still creeping to the edge. Once there, you WILL BE comfortable. I hope that made some sense for you.

Hello Erica Marie,
have a little think about what it is that you think makes you different , your liking of feminine things , is it doing you or anyone else any harm does it make you happy, there is a lot you can do in small ways and get away with it that will help you feel good and most people take less notice than you think so you just have to remember if you are doing no harm then it is normal .

I think you can hide it forever if you really try.
Getting comfortable with yourself takes many trips out dressed and being that way for days at a time.
You do have to live it to get over the Colly Wobbles. :)

Everyone has a slightly different approach / take on the situation. So, what works best for you, baby steps? A giant leap of faith? Only you can decide that.
I think what is most important here is that you have figured out who you are in your heart.
I know for me, I've known for a long time who I was on the inside, but was afraid to confess it publicly. I stared taking baby steps, while staying in the closet with the full dressing thing. I did have some, shall we say flamboyant cloths for public view, but it wasn't anything that couldn't easily be passed off as glam metal rocker.
Then one day, while dressed to the 9's my Polar Bear came home somewhat unexpected, but it was no big deal, I was out to her form day 1. She didn't mid I was dressed, but hated the outfit, changed me and took me on my first public outing! That felt like kind of a big leap to me. One day I'm hiding it, and the next, bang! It's all out there! However, I seemed to blend in with the crowd at Captain D's. and Wall Mart, or at least no one let on like they noticed anything. After that, I couldn't get out fully dressed enough, and still can't to this day!

For me, being comfortable with who I am happened when I realized (accepted?) that Andrea was a real person and not simply a manifestation of my presentation, wardrobe, etc. Andrea is with me, is a part of me, 24/7 regardless of how I dress. Once that epiphany moment happened, things kinda fell into place. So much so that being a CD for me is no longer even about the clothes, shoes, wigs, makeup, etc ... but wow do I still love all of them! LOL

Hi Erica,

Finding one's comfort level is a personal thing whether it be with CDing or just being. Once I came out to my wife I ceased trying to hide it in my personal life. I may not announce to the world I am TG or wear a t-shirt saying so, but I don't deny it if someone were to ask me. I find that as time goes on, wasting time feeling as though I need to conform to what others expect of me (have been doing this my whole life) is wasted energy and just being who I am is so much easier. Do people notice my more defined eyebrows? I am sure they do considering I have reduced my Groucho Marx brows by about 50 percent. Do they notice the reduction of my beard due to laser treatments? They sure do as I had a friend ask me about it. Do I care? Not particularly because I need to be authentic to who I am "boy" or "girl".

Finding your equilibrium will depend on how much you are willing to allow others to know or see. If you are comfortable with blending in small femme traits into your everyday life (i.e., you don't care what others think) then I dare say you have become comfortable with yourself. If you choose not to reveal anything and prefer to keep it to yourself then that is a choice and if it makes you feel good then you are comfortable with yourself. I don't believe you have to be full on "in your face TG" to say, I am comfortable with myself. You just have to be what you need to be to feel good about yourself and that is comfort for your soul.

Hugs

Isha

A start came for me when I no longer kept my boy and girl clothes in separate places.

It seems to me that as I get older it is like I don't have the energy to be inauthentic anymore. Also, not just in "trans" and CD world, but in life overall, I find that it matters less and less what other people think, even relatives and friends! (It has been said a million times here, but again, if they care enough and are true friends then they will get over it!). So yes, it does seem as if many of us eventually get to some place where we finally feel we are living whatever we feel as an authentic life. And as Isha said, it could be any stage for any particular person. First step is in personal acceptance, the rest will eventually follow.

For me some of it was in realizing that I was different and that that was ok. Not being afraid to be different, not being coerced into being like everyone else and being happy that I am different.

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Originally Posted by Erica Marie

Attempting to blend in small feminine things into everyday life. Of course still without having the whole world know I am different. Or is that the secret, does it ever get to the point that you just can't hide it any longer?

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That is what I do, but I suppose my small feminine things are not so small, as I kind of show the whole world that I am different. It is not that I can't hide it any longer, it is that I don't want to hide it any longer. I don't need for everyone to know that I choose to fully cross dress, but for others to know that I on occasion wear female jewelry, or clothes, or paint my finger nails, or that I am interested in fashion, I don't care what they think, it only matters what I think. Do I accept myself and that these are things that I like to do? If so, then I need to force myself to do it. By forcing myself to do it, and observing the total lack of response from anyone around me, except for people liking me more, then I have become more comfortable with myself.

Does this make any sense at all? Sometimes I just don't know. Hmm...

Erica yes I know exactly what you mean. I'm also to a point where I just want to be happy with this person I am not be ashamed of it and do my best to love others and not hate them just because they don't agree with my lifestyle or choice

Erica,

I think I am at the same place you are. I am tired and I just want to be me, all of me. I am not sure what that looks like yet. My first step is I need to reopen a dialog about CDing with my wife. Hopefully with prayers and understanding I can then start to fully find me. I just take baby steps and go one day at a time.

-Millie

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Originally Posted by Erica Marie

For me right now I am trying small steps. Attempting to blend in small feminine things into everyday life. Of course still without having the whole world know I am different. Or is that the secret, does it ever get to the point that you just can't hide it any longer?

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Do you mean making small changes to your appearance that in our current culture, are generally considered feminine? What small feminine things are you referring to?

If it's not appearance, then I know men who do this, but they don't care if others think they're different. Maybe they acknowledge there is a wide range to being male. These are men who don't care about sports, or cars, or beer-guzzling, or any other activity that is considered stereotypically male. They enjoy the arts, cooking, or any other activity that some people consider stereotypically female, they have an opinion about the decor of their homes, care about their appearance, are in touch with their feelings, are nurturing fathers, sensitive husbands, and the list goes on. One man I knew years ago loved to do petit-point for relaxation. He was proud of his work and showed everyone despite the fact this is considered a stereotypically female thing to do. No need to hide!

Erica, And Leigh, Well said. I am tired of hiding Alice. i am a guy, too. I realize, that for good reasons, i need to stay secret with this, but sure would like to go out in public more. But, at six foot 11 in heels, I would draw tons of good and bad attention.

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Originally Posted by ReineD

Do you mean making small changes to your appearance that in our current culture, are generally considered feminine? What small feminine things are you referring to?

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Reine over time I come to realize my male exterior is just a shell for who I am on the inside. Wig, breast forms, fake hips. To me it all feels like a costume. I cant seem to find that happy medium without telling the whole world Im different. I am attempting to find small things to make me feel comfortable in my own skin and to try and maybe find a gender neutral appearance. For me it is no longer dresses and skirts that makes me feel right. Its shaved legs, pierced ears, having my hair styled, nails groomed and now attempting to get in a little better physical shape. I know maybe this all just sounds nuts, but how do I erase the man I see in the mirror and just see me?

I don't know I just one day realized I don't care what anyone other than my wife thinks about my choice of clothing.

I think three things helped me.

The first was therapy. Being in a judgement-free zone, and having someone to talk to about my fears was a big help.

The second was meeting friends like man and going out in public with them.

The third was this forum. Whenever I think I'm too close to the edge, I read some post here that confirm that I'm seeing things through the looking glass. Some people here are much closer to the edge than I am.

My affirmation is in my signature.

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Originally Posted by Erica Marie

...I know maybe this all just sounds nuts, but how do I erase the man I see in the mirror and just see me?

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No, it doesn't sound nuts. My SO has made all the changes you describe years ago. I don't know if s/he did this in order to look more feminine in guy mode though. Bone structure and features will not change. I always took it that s/he did it in order to speed up the transformation process when she does dress. My SO is always shaved, keeps his fingernails long and shaped, has pierced ears (no earrings in guy mode), and long mid-back hair tied at the nape in guy mode. He's in a creative field where other men have long hair too. Keeping in shape is an ongoing process. At any rate, it only takes my SO about 30 minutes to get ready to go out dressed, including shower and shampoo.

I honestly thought you meant making the internal changes that I described earlier. I've noticed that a lot of crossdressers are quite strict with themselves about what behaviors are and are not permissible in guy mode. I was pointing out that there is a lot of leeway.

Talking about behaviors in guy mode. At work I'm always walking like I'm in heels . When ever talking to someone I'm standing there my toe kicked behind me just like I'm in heels. And I'm always on a construction site.I'm just trying to feel good about myself all day.

I didn't start dressing until I was over 50. And, in those 50 years NOT having to deal with dressing, I "got used to myself", and, "got to understand myself", and became competent and confident professionally. But, I was NEVER really comfortable with myself.:straightface:

So, I start dressing out of the blue 17 years ago and start going out dressed 7 years ago. Now, I'm used to dressing, Tgirl friends, and being out amongst the Muggles. But, even tho I'm fairly comfortable dressing at home in private, there r so many new personal issues brought up by my dressing, I don't think I could work them all out if I lived to 150.

And, as soon as I DO figure out one thing that makes me feel good, a NEW ISSUE always seems to pop up!:eek:

Last year when I came to understand I was a crossdresser, it kind of freaked me out. I didn't understand I could be a crissdresser and still be hetero. I thought I was too weird to even be a good cross dresser. As I pondered where life was going it occurred to me, if one of my children or a friend came to me and said they were transsexual or gay I would continue to love and support them. I had to ask myself "do I deserve any less.

From that point on the journey to discover who I am began. Regardless of what I discover in myself it's who I am and embracing that fact is the only way to peace.

Hug
Rita

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Originally Posted by Erica Marie

Im kind of at a place in life where I'm just not sure any more. Over the last 30 yrs I have been through so many stages as far as crossdressing goes and I think I finally realized that it isn't the cloths but just trying to be comfortable with who I am.

Has anyone else gotten to this stage and how did you become comfortable with who you are.

For me right now I am trying small steps. Attempting to blend in small feminine things into everyday life. Of course still without having the whole world know I am different. Or is that the secret, does it ever get to the point that you just can't hide it any longer?

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this is a great question and i love the answers you have elicited so far.

for me, i have gotten to a comfortable stage when dressed, even in my birthday suit, and *gasp* in drab, too! perhaps it is the synergy between the mind & body, and if they are synced up. and other times, it could be purely mental; a state of clarity of what is and what isn't. even fantasy, can be bliss.

also sometimes personally it has then surpassed that stage and become even more like a transcendental state... but, truth be told, i was unable to remain in either stage or state... which was ok as perhaps it is like the age old story of the person carrying the heavy load asked what is enlightenment puts it down, then afterwards picks it back up?

as to how far we go and whether we privatize it or we exhibit it, i would guess that depends on something deep within and / or inexplicable.

at times i feel like can't control myself let alone a part of me, and when i am on a mission there's no stopping me or holding me back.

maybe that place where we are "not sure anymore", if we can accept that place... that could be the key to becoming comfortable with ourselves?

at the risk of sounding like a fool (which i don't mind if i do), maybe one becomes comfortable with themselves by being comfortable with the discomfort?

If you don't accept yourself then how do you expect others to accept you, you might as well hide in the closet for the rest of your life. You can't teach someone to be confident, you have to get that on your own. I don't even really think about it anymore, I'm usually dressed in something femm, I have to make an conscious effort to dress in full guy mode. And you know what? Nobody really cares what you are wearing. I went out last night and met some new people and I had a skirt on, and no one mentioned my attire, it was just taken in stride. I used to be ashamed and worried that people would find out and mock me in public, I'm over that phase, no one cares how you dress.
as I always say " just be yourself". You have to be comfortable with yourself first, confidence will come, and with that will come the I don't give a damn attitude.

I can't tell you how I got this way; all I can say, is that at some point you have to stop wishing the world was the way you'd like it to be, and face living in it as it is. And if that means compromising some things in life, then so be it. We can't have everything we want. Ever. All too many crossdressers spend entirely too much time getting depressed about what they can't have, rather than enjoying what we do have. Everyone can get clean, safe water to drink, for free! Virtually all people in western societies live in relative safety. We don't have to worry about getting bombed, shot, or rounded up and killed en masse by a crazy revolutionary dictator. Our food is safe to eat. Deadly disease is rare, and most of it that we do have we bring upon ourselves. Most of us can find work, so much so that many refuse to take a job they don't like! We have shelter; even the homeless have places to go out of the weather. I have a nice, comfortable apartment, so do all my friends and coworkers other than those who own their own houses. I get along just fine with my neighbors. So I'm not going to sit on my chair and cry because nobody wants to see me in a dress; besides, there are plenty of very ugly women that no one wants to see in a dress, either, so it's not just men with this problem.

In short, life may not be what I want it to be. But it isn't half bad, either.