Told the wife via letter, and here's what happened

I've spent the past five weeks on a business trip, getting lots of chances to dress up. I had told my wife a long time ago (6 years) that I crossdressed, then when she asked about it 3 years later I told her I quit (which I had, yet another purge :( ). Well, this last week I had been feeling guilty because I hadn't retold her, and really we had never talked about it even after I had (she cried a lot and didn't want to talk about it later).

So, rather than try conversation, I decided to write a letter. I wrote it, left it upstairs, and had her read it while I put our kids to bed.

I won't put all the details here, but it was structured like this:

- First I put a quick paragraph that this wasn't a "Dear Jane" letter, since it was 5 pages long. The last thing I wanted was my wife picking up a five page letter awaiting the line "I'm leaving you."
- Then I wrote a page and a half about all the great things I love about her. It was detailed, perhaps a bit sexual, and completely focused on her and how much I love her.
- Then I wrote about my more feminine side, and the fact that many of the traits she likes about me (enjoying shopping with her, watching girly shows, etc.) come about because I'm a crossdresser.
- Then I gave her my crossdressing history. Nothing graphic, but just the big facts: that I started in middle school, quit/purged/restarted a few times, and eventually came to peace with it. I also talked about how it gave me balance when I work a very male-heavy job, and how when I stopped I became a less-nicer person.
- Then I answered a bunch of questions I figure she would have: that none of this had anything to do with her, I didn't plan on becoming a woman, I didn't use her clothes or makeup (she is no where near my size, so not an issue), that I didn't plan on telling my family, and that I did talk to other crossdressers and they were normal people.
- I ended with asking her to find me after the letter and just tell me that she loved me.

So after reading the letter, she came downstairs, gave me a big hug, told me she loved me, and that was that! We spent the evening talking a bit about moisturizer, and I ended up getting some of the Goldbond moisturizer I use on my feet for her. We didn't talk about my clothes, forms, or anything like that...but honestly, if we never do, I don't care. I told her that she can ask any questions and that I won't push any of the issues on her if she's uncomfortable.

In the end, all my worries were for not. I highly encourage folks to tell their wives, lest they find out by coming across your stuff. I find a letter was best, realize that I rewrote it about 10 times and it was 5 pages long. Most importantly, the letter focused on my wife, then on the aspects of me she likes that are linked to crossdressing, then on the fact I want to be her husband.

If anyone wants help with writing the letter, feel free to PM me.

That is so awesome! I am wicked proud of you and couldn't be more happier for you that she took it so well. Congrats to you!

Hi Jennifer,

What a great story. Having a wife that supports and accepts is a great thing . . . something I am thankful for every day.

Hugs

Isha

Thank you so much for sharing this. I sincerely hope it goes as well for me when I finally open up completely to my wife. I'm very happy for you!

I'm happy the situation worked out for you. I would not jump on board with your method of telling a wife. You had a prior history of informing her of your cross dressing years ago. If she did not throw you out then, it is probably a safe bet she would not throw you out now. I truly believe a woman is not so unknowing of a husband's activities. Also, if a wife had absolutely no knowledge of her man's cross dressing, and, truly felt cross dressing is repugnant, a letter is a written confession that may be used by a wife to gain an under hand in a marital dissolution.

There is no easy way to inform an unknowing wife. Each situation is unique. As one would say about sending an email; Once you hit the send button retrieval is almost impossible.

I did not write a letter, but I did tell the lady who became my wife that I was a CD when I proposed to her. Her response was, 'Well, I will have to see how much of a girl I can make you"!! She did pretty well in the almost 50 years we had together!

That's great Hun I am very happy for you.

Hugs princess

I am so happy for you! I told my wife after 25 years of marrigae in a letter also and luckily it worked out well too, kind of a scary couple of weeks went by I think she was scared of what came next. But we came together and after another almost 10 years we are both comfortable and can talk and even share tips. I did think knowing her personality and beliefs that it was going to work out. I read and hear lots of storeis of it not working. So we are lucky we married women who love us for who we are not what we wear.

Such a sweet story and a nice happy ending. Congrats Jennifer. :)

jennifer,
I am for the up front approach and would have the talk.
I can see that a letter is better sometimes as you have time to compose it.

I am glad it was a good resolution for you this time.

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Originally Posted by JenniferYager

.......I find a letter was best, realize that I rewrote it about 10 times and it was 5 pages long......

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Isn't that bit the truth?! I can't remember how many times I rewrote mine, although I used the letter as a template for my verbally delivered revelation. Well done Jennifer and I hope that your journey continues in a positive manner. Hell though, five pages? You little authoress you :heehee:.

Rebecca

Hi Jenn, I just love a story with a happy ending.

Great story Jenn, and with a happy ending, too!

While I'm happy that there were several sisters who had great results by a letter revelation --- Stephnie covers the reasons that the odds are very much against
using this form of communication especially when the SO is being shocked out of the blue. In the above happy ending situations at least there were some prior
ground breaking or at least a few clues ahead of time. After all a CD probably has been wrestling with their persona most of their lives so to expect - especially
a new wife - or one that has known you for, say, forty years suddenly get dumped on by mail is really inviting disaster.
Julie

Sounds like all well that ends well, good for U.

Touch my heart, what a wonderful stories?

Good for you, Jennifer! I'm really happy for you! Be prepared that she will have questions later. Make sure that you open up that line of communication so she feels comfortable talking about how she feels. You did that right thing!!!

Glad that it's working out so well, Jennifer! :)

It is hard - Really Hard to bring up the crossdressing subject. Things like that just don't come up in casual conversation. Many of our closeted sisters really want to have "The Talk", to quit living a secret second life, and to hopefully give their inner woman the sunlight she needs to thrive. Writing a letter is one effective way, but not the best way for everyone. It permits the writer to say exactly what needs to be said, without interruptions, and without questions. It lacks the personal face-to-face experience that may be unsettling for some readers. In my case, it would not have worked well at all. My wife would have read the first couple sentences and would then hunt me down for a face-to-face explanation.

Even in cases where a face-to-face disclosure is planned, I favor writing a letter. The discipline of writing a letter, even if it is never delivered will force the writer to think carefully about the subject matter, to organize the presentation, and prepare for questions. It is a good means to prepare for The Talk.

A pad of paper, a number 2 pencil, and ten minutes a day is all it takes.

Best wishes
MsVal

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Originally Posted by JenniferYager

I highly encourage folks to tell their wives...

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I highly encourage folks to be cautious about taking this advice. What works for one may or may not work for others. We have read stories from other CDers who read about how great it is to come out,. They took the advice and came clean with their wives only to see their marriage end right then.

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Originally Posted by NicoleScott

I highly encourage folks to be cautious about taking this advice. What works for one may or may not work for others. We have read stories from other CDers who read about how great it is to come out,. They took the advice and came clean with their wives only to see their marriage end right then.

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I agree with what you are saying, but what kind of marriage will you have if she finds out on her own? If she finds out you have been lying to her for x years, but only you know what she could handle. There are a lot of girls that go out all of the time and their wives know nothing about their CDing.

Dana, yes, the wife finding out after years of secrecy can be a problem, but so can coming clean. We have read stories from CDers who came out to their wives and the responses were everything from total acceptance to total rejection - even of wives vomiting after hearing the news. There may be clues to what level of acceptance to expect, but there are no sure things. We have read about a wife's acceptance of crossdressing - for others, that is, but not for their husband.
Many of us (me included) grew up in a time when any deviation from "normal" sex/gender behavior was unacceptable and before the internet, we learned to keep our naughty desires to ourselves. When we married, we honestly believed our desire to crossdress would be replaced by desire for our wives. We were wrong, but we were not the low-down lying scumbags we are often accused of by those who were never caught in that situation. So we found ourselves in a dilemma:
come out and risk rejection or keep the secret and the marriage.
Every case is unique. There are many factors that must go into such a decision. My post was to caution others not to get sucked into "it worked for me, so it will work for you". Sadly, it doesn't always work that way.

I too, came out by way of a letter. Whenever I started dating someone new, a purge came with it. When I met my to-be-wife 29 years ago, I knew my life as Marsha and I were inseparable. Rather than have her find my girly clothes, or finding Marsha all dressed up when she came home, I wrote her my own long letter. As emotionally charged as CDing is, it was the most neutral way I could think of. I spilled my guts, as we used to say. The next step was DADT, but she appreciated that I wasn't being deceptive. Now she likes Marsha being home on occasionally. She even brings home clothes I might like or help me with my adventures with make up. I am blessed.

I love happy endings! I also tried that "honest" approach many times...but my S.O. still does NOT accept my CDing at all...unfortunately....

I'm so happy for you. It is such a relief when your s/o knows about your dressing. It makes life a lot less stressful. I know it did for me! My life and marriage feel complete. We both are soooo happy!!...Once again, I am excited for you and the years to come!

glad it worked out for you.

Great story, so glad it worked out for you. I am Blessed my wife knows and accepts.

Congrats on the way that worked out for you. Love stories with happy endings. Hugs Shara

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Originally Posted by Marsha My Dear

Rather than have her find my girly clothes, or finding Marsha all dressed up when she came home, I wrote her my own long letter. As emotionally charged as CDing is, it was the most neutral way I could think of. I spilled my guts, as we used to say. The next step was DADT, but she appreciated that I wasn't being deceptive. I am blessed.

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Lot's of good advice here. Particularly the 'be careful not everyone reacts the same way'. Deception is never good in marriage. You've got to be able to trust each other. Personally, I like the option of writing the letter, cleaning it up to the point you have your thoughts exactly as you want to express them, then sit down together and "talk"...your script being the letter you wrote. You allowing your spouse to stop you. Stop you so they can catch their breath. Stop you to ask questions. Stop you to cry (or vomit or whatever). Will it work? Will the marriage stay together? Don't know. However, I think you have a better chance with honesty than with deception. Just my 2 cents.

I'm glad it worked out for you, Jennifer, and I hope it develops into the kind of loving acceptance that truly makes a girl blossom!

It's now been a year and a half or so since I opened up to my fiancee (or, the way she tells it, "since she dragged it out of me" :) ). In that time, I have gone from totally closeted and convinced I would never set foot outside, to being a true "woman of the world" and a respected member of the local trans community. I am Amy not merely by my own will but by gift of my fiancee, and not merely through her but by gift of my sisters, and made all the richer thereby.

- Amy

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Originally Posted by JenniferYager

So after reading the letter, she came downstairs, gave me a big hug, told me she loved me, and that was that!

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Lovely! :)

Since reading your post on it's first day I have been working on my own letter and I'm getting closer to being done .I have tried to talk with her but keep tripping over my tongue! I hope this works or I could be homeless...

OK, I admit that I came out to my fiancee, six years ago, by sending her a self destructing email. Meaning, I wanted to tell he that I was a crossdresser, but I did not want her to ever be able to forward the email to any one else or print it out. Yes, a little paranoid, but my business breeds paranoia. I'm not sure that she was that shocked as she new I wore panties. She is very supportive and even encouraging.

Wonderful story and wonderful outcome. I hope someday to be able to have the same