Is crossdressing making you bitter and anti-social?

O.K., so I'm in one of my "grumpy old man...errr...crossdresser" moods right now, but it got me to thinking...

Many of us here are in hiding a.k.a. "the closet" - either from our spouses, our SO's, family, workplaces - maybe even the world at large. We have been conditioned by society to believe that crossdressing is shameful, anti-social, "unmanly", a destroyer of marriages and families, totally weird and unfathomable to most people, and at worst, is perverted and the next best thing to being a child molester. The "women's bathroom sanctity" fear mongers certainly believe so, as do the Christian fundamentalists, who are happy to point to numerous Old Testament Bible passages declaring crossdressing to be an abomination to bolster their cases and justify their bigotry.

So tell me, do you sometimes feel like Peter Finch in the movie "Network", and find it hard not to open up the window, stick your head outside, and shout at the top of your lungs "I'm mad as H*ll, and I'm not going to take it anymore!"?

Do you start to balk at fulfilling social obligations (e.g. visiting with the in-laws) that you have zero interest in participating in, only because "you have to", or "it's expected" - and mainly to keep the peace with your spouse or SO? And this is likely the same spouse or SO who forces you into a DADT relationship with her to maintain marital harmony, but on her terms? Terms that are coming from an asymmetrical power imbalance within the relationship, because she is using guilt and shame to manipulate you into getting her way?

I don't know about the rest of you, but I get very fed up sometimes by this seemingly one way street, where we are expected to acknowledge and cater to others' wants and needs, while ours - especially when it comes to our crossdressing - are stomped on and ignored, and we are essentially told to "suck it up" because these unique needs of ours simply don't rank on the "acceptability" scale.

The funny thing is, as I find myself becoming increasingly comfortable going out in public en femme (and enjoying every moment of it!), this happy feeling is becoming inversely proportional to the resentment I am starting to feel over restrictions to being fully able to express this side of me within the confines (yes, I used that word deliberately) my marriage. And yet, at the same time I am expected to nod and smile while I accede to - and put up with - everyone else's idiosyncrasies, foibles, and neediness. In other words, starting to become bitter and anti-social...

Seems to me that it's our choice on whether to cater to other people's ideas and expectations of who we should be or being ourselves. Just be prepared for any potential consequences for our actions. Personally, I refuse to be manipulated like that and damn the torpedoes. :)

At one time in my life, my approving SO (after doing some research on the issue) suggested that she was willing to tell the kids in hopes that they would support me, and I would then be more comfortable in 'family' gatherings.. Two girls and two boys in their late teens!! I truthfully balked at the idea, but as time goes on I wish I had taken the opportunity.. I think they would have been fine with it, as one of the boys eventually found out.. and one of the girls walked in on me when I was working in the kitchen - Would have saved a lot of explaining at the moment!
I am at the point in my life that I wish everyone knew that I am truly a crossdresser, and would feel much more comfortable being accepted wearing shorts or a skirt.. Naturally, I would be totally en femme when 'skirting', but who cares.. Doesn't make me less of a man!!

Your feelings are understandable, Leslie. CDs are one of the most invisible, misunderstood, and underrepresented groups under the transgender umbrella. This despite the fact that there are likely MILLIONS of you in America.

It's a tough situation, whether you are in the closet or not. Because you can change your expression from male to female, all too often people expect you to do it for their comfort.

To top it off, you aren't even always supported within the TG community. I've heard expressions of scorn and derision from other transsexuals. (This makes me ashamed, btw.) Drag queens are often shocked that there are heterosexual crossdressers. Who advocates for you? Nobody really seriously.

So I don't blame you for being angry. You should be.

The only solution I can suggest is for more of you to come out publicly, join the larger TG community, and demand your rights. There will be a cost for those who do this, but I think there are too many of you to be ignored.

Well I sort of agree. There are a lot of psychological stresses we feel thanks to limitations on how we dress. There's a few things that concern me though.

1. It sounds like your wife isn't trying to share this with you at all, and you wish she should.
2. Your wish to remove limits sounds like you need to do some soul-searching if you fall more on the CD or TG end of the spectrum.
3. No matter how frustrated you get, respect that your wife is an individual and has the right to ask you to meet some of her social expectations, just as she has to meet some of your expectations (even if its just that you spend money on women's clothes).

I wish you luck on the rest of your adventure through this thing we call life.

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Originally Posted by Leslie Langford

O.K., shout at the top of your lungs "I'm mad as H*ll, and I'm not going to take it anymore!"?

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How about a slightly different spelling: "I'm mad as H*ll, and I'm not going to fake it anymore!"

Unfortunately, we are living in an increasingly crowded world, and everyone seems to have a personal opinion on how things ought to be.

Ineke

I could go into a lengthy reply, but the simple answer is that life isn't fair.

No, I have never been bitter or anti social.

Something else I have no time for.

I never actually cared very much what anyone who didn't like me or love me thought. I am, at this age and after surviving a terminal diagnosis, even less interested in caring for anyone who doesn't care for me, which, unfortunately includes a number of my relatives. My wife is perhaps even less interested than I am in social proprieties. I am a firm believer in the importance of having a logical family, not a biological family, and by family I mean the group of friends and relatives who actually have some consideration for me and to whom I respond in kind and with kindness. I simply do not understand why so many people subject themselves to hostility and meanness from other people because of blood ties, social bonds, or whatever.

So, no, I don't feel that I have to yell I am mad as hell, etc. I am not. I am just me, take me or leave me, honey, but treat me nice and I will do the same to you! Otherwise, go bother someone else. They seem to like it. I don't.

Leslie, I'm sad to hear that things are so much the same in Canada and sorry that you are hurting. There are no easy answers, but recent experience has taught me that life is too short to linger in limbo, dissatisfied and unhappy.

I'm a bit of an evolution/sociology nerd, and shame is a super powerful emotion, perhaps the most powerful. It's all wrapped up in our fears of not being accepted by the pack we need to survive and not being allowed to breed and pass on our genetic self. I hear a lot of shame and fear in the way your wife treats you. It's easy to understand and hard to transform.

The fact is that cross dressing doesn't hurt anyone. The straight guys here all seem to have bred fine and passed on their genes. We live productive lives as valued members of our community. Our shame, and that of our spouses, is a thorny fossil from before we even existed as our current species.

One of the best concepts to appear in human culture is the notion of romantic love. Along with human liberty and self-actualization, we have a vision of people as individuals deserving of freedom, protection and love. In marriage, we underline this idea...for better or for worse, for richer or poorer... that we will stick together and support eachother. Not knowing everything about our partner when we make our vows is no excuse for abandoning or judging them wanting. People change and grow, and hopefully grow together. I know it doesn't always work.

You're right to feel angry about your situation. It does seem like you and your wife (including you both to avoid placing blame) need to cherish each other more than the pointless shame and fear. She should try to love who you are. I know it's tough, but you should search for a good counselor who can see both sides and help you learn to communicate and love each other the way you wish you could.

*heart*

Bryan

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Originally Posted by Leslie Langford

Do you start to balk at fulfilling social obligations (e.g. visiting with the in-laws) that you have zero interest in participating in, only because "you have to", or "it's expected" - and mainly to keep the peace with your spouse or SO? And this is likely the same spouse or SO who forces you into a DADT relationship with her to maintain marital harmony, but on her terms? Terms that are coming from an asymmetrical power imbalance within the relationship, because she is using guilt and shame to manipulate you into getting her way?

...

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First of all nobody can EVER FORCE you into ANYTHING! Did your wife know about your cross dressing from the beginning? No? Well shut the hell up then. My GOD what do you really expect?? You either want to continue the marriage with your current wife or you don't. You have the choice. I would like to hold two of our own up for an example. Di and Sher were totally up front and honest about each other and you don't see either of them boo hooing about each other's expectations. Try honesty and why don't you start with yourself. Your behavior and attitude will kill the relationship you have with your wife then you can write another boo hoo post about how she is a bigot and forces you into things that you have no control over, like a divorce, and there you have your "get out of jail free" card. Good luck with your pitty party but you get no sympathy from me. Obviously you really can't wear your wife's shoes.:Angry3:

There is in life a goodly amount of hoop-jumping. Unless you want to live a completely solitary existence, there are social obligations to be met. Yes, they take time. Yes, they are often less than a thrill a minute. I would urge you to keep things in perspective. Unless these social interactions are intended to belittle you, go with the flow. They may not be your cup of tea, but your willingness to meet these obligations may be important to others. Make the best of it you can.

I would not say "bitter and anti-social" just a little sadder at times when I want to go out as Richelle and can not due to family or business reasons. Like when I have to remove my nail polish this weekend because I will be in meetings with the companies EVP.

Richelle

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Originally Posted by kittypw GG

First of all nobody can EVER FORCE you into ANYTHING! Did your wife know about your cross dressing from the beginning? No? Well shut the hell up then. My GOD what do you really expect?? You either want to continue the marriage with your current wife or you don't. You have the choice. I would like to hold two of our own up for an example. Di and Sher were totally up front and honest about each other and you don't see either of them boo hooing about each other's expectations. Try honesty and why don't you start with yourself. Your behavior and attitude will kill the relationship you have with your wife then you can write another boo hoo post about how she is a bigot and forces you into things that you have no control over, like a divorce, and there you have your "get out of jail free" card. Good luck with your pitty party but you get no sympathy from me. Obviously you really can't wear your wife's shoes.:Angry3:

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Are you kidding me???? This is probably the most ridiculous and uncaring response that I've ever seen on this board, on any thread. Who do you think you are coming out with a statement like, "No? Well shut the hell up then", "write another boo hoo post" and "pity party." You have no idea of their circumstances. There was a time when very little information was out there about this lifestyle and many of us thought it would disappear with marriage and time. There was a time when they threw you in a rubber room and gave you electroshock therapy. Today there are still many social limitations but the world is much more liberal than years ago. You need to get a life and, while you are at it, put a little compassion in it! If the moderators want to remove my response that's fine. It doesn't change your lack of compassion! If anyone on this forum sounds bitter, it's you! Btw, I'm not going to argue this point with you because I'm not going to waste my time or the moderator's time trading insults with the likes of you. You've stated you position and I have stated mine!

My input as a GG is that regardless of the cross dressing, any relationship is give and take. You have to communicate and compromise. Once one person is no longer willing to compromise, the relationship is over. If there was dishonesty from the beginning, it's very difficult to continue a marriage when a life changing issue such as cross dressing/TS is brought to the table after years of the SO not knowing. Both people are not going to get what they want 100% of the time in a marriage, you have to compromise on certain things. Your wife is compromising by sort of accepting you cross dress (not telling you flat out you can't do it, like I have read some wives do), but just not wanting to actively participate in it or wants the family involved - she just wants to be something for only you. And trust me, I totally get the "keep the family harmony" crap because I'm in an intercultural marriage. I know it's not just a "hobby" for many CDers, but a way of life. But there are things my husband does besides CDing that I don't participate in nor do I want to. If you really wanted a spouse that would accept and participate in this way of life with you, then you have to be honest from the very beginning. You may get rejected, but that just means you're not wasting your life with someone who will not meet what you need in a relationship. So then you keep looking or decide to remain single. But I know, when love is involved, it's never that simple! My current situation is everything BUT simple. But really, this is why my spouse and I discussed the core important things in the very beginning of our relationship, it was "let's not waste our time if it won't work out anyway". It's one of those things I've never understood in the dating world when one person flips out because the other is asking if they want kids some day or even want marriage, etc. I hear about so many people hearing such questions and running away because they think the other person is rushing or just plain crazy. But really, for me, it's always been, why do I want to waste months/years of dating someone I won't be compatible with in the end?

But maybe I'm just clueless and don't understand all of this too well yet. I'm trying to, I'm trying to communicate with my husband, but a lot of times it's like pulling teeth with him or he doesn't even know how to explain things himself.

*note: although many believe this is a support forum, being all unicorns and rainbows to people's posts isn't a requirement. So if you don't like what someone said, don't read it. As one of the posts said earlier, "life isn't fair". As long as the person posting isn't insulting, you can disagree and state you opinion,. Thank you

Now to the point, it wasn't my SO's who made me not want to go places. I have been "single" now for almost 3 years? And I don't want to go places (I don't now at all since I am transitioning) where I have to pretend to be someone else. So I get what the OP says. Kitty makes a point about spouses, yes they are an exception, you signed on for the duration and you really NEED to keep them happy, but in my case it is a parent. I really didn't want to visit this parent because they didn't accept me. I was adamant...until I HAD to go back. But I didn't change for them, I did give them the option to see me. But in my stage of life I have to wake up next to one person everyday...me. If your spouse knows, then you really need to buck up for a few days or whatever and play the game. This applies to anything that makes you feel uncomfortable but won't kill you. If your wife doesn't know, Kitty has a point, but you still need to buck up and play the game or walk out. In my case one person actually said "Couldn't you just be a guy for 3 days?" As a CD this may be the best option, just be a guy for a few days.

Hmmm, kitty...seeing yours and Brianna's posts back to back here makes it pretty clear which one of the two of you embodies the more traditionally "feminine" qualities of kindness, empathy, compassion, caring, and being non-judgemental. Thanks for the heaping dose of "tough love", but I actually get plenty of that at home already, thank you very much. And as you can see, it's working - NOT!

But thank you also for illustrating perfectly my very point, which is just how much scorn we crossdressers sometimes have to face from the GG's in our relationships when we don't meet their expectations on the "man-o-meter", and they then feel terribly wronged and hard done by when it emerges that we are crossdressers.

Then again, it seems to me that there are far worse things that a husband or boyfriend can be besides a crossdresser - drug addict, wife abuser, chronic alcoholic, compulsive liar, sexist, racist, homophobe, womanizer, fraud artist, or driven workaholic, just to name a few.

It is amazing how many women marry these types of men despite such serious character flaws and in some cases, even loyally stick by them once they are exposed for what they really are (Bill Clinton, anyone?). I guess that's because some of these vices are more "socially acceptable" than crossdressing - not because they are somehow morally or ethically superior, but simply because they are more common and more people can relate to them. Funny, too, how some women can even become pen pals with convicted killers and eventually marry them despite their being in prison (sometimes for life), but when it comes to crossdressers...ewww!

Must be the need that some females have to latch onto a "bad boy" in the expectation that they can turn them around and help save them from themselves. And maybe the fact that we crossdressers are generally immune to that type of "reparative therapy" is at the root of why we sometimes frustrate them so.

Leslie,

For the first time on the site I am responding without reading the other answers you have already received, and I apologize. At age 45 (some time ago) it occurred to me that I had been living my life based on what I thought others expected of me. I am now in the process of living my life as myself. Dee is a large and growing part of that. I too am frustrated by societal expectations but when do I get to be myself? We need to be comfortable in our skins and the rest of the world just needs to catch up. And don't even get me started on fundamentalist anyone. My faith accepts me as I am and it doesn't matter to me if someone else's doesn't.

Sorry for the rant, but you hit a nerve and I think it was the last one I had left today.

Hugs and best wishes,
Dee :fairy1:

Ashley Lin, Unfortunately, many, many people do believe that crossdressing, in women's clothing DOES make a man LESS of a man, or not a man at all!

No, not bitter, that's not me at all. I'm happiest and very comfortable experiencing life as a woman, or at least as close as I can be to womanhood, and yes I feel a bit confined by my wife's fears and apprehensions. But I really believe we are working our way through the obstacles and in the end, I'm hopeful that our life together will comfortably accommodate my needs and my identity. So, I do the expected male role stuff, I try to be accommodating and I do so without feeling bitter.

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Originally Posted by Alice Torn

Ashley Lin, Unfortunately, many, many people do believe that crossdressing, in women's clothing DOES make a man LESS of a man, or not a man at all!

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And that is a bad thing?

Dee :fairy1:

To the contrary, I'm much less bitter and anti-social now that I'm expressing myself as I wish! We have more CD-world friends than I have boy-world friends.

And to those men who think that wearing women's clothing makes me less of a man, let's see them find the courage to walk the length of the Galleria wearing a pretty dress! And enjoy it!

To the women who think that wearing women's clothing makes me less of a man, the only opinion that counts is Mimi's.

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Originally Posted by Leslie Langford

Is crossdressing making you bitter and anti-social?

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Judging by the cynicism running through this site, sometimes served up in heaping helpings by ALL, I would answer YES. Double-ditto for anybody who believes they’re transgendered…

I think the one point missing on this thread is the fact that men are NOT superior to women. That some of us men prefer to express ourselves as women is not demeaning to ourselves, but as I see it, advancing ourselves to the superior, or at least to the equivalent sex. This is not in agreement with general thought, but I haven't been in concurrence with general belief as long as I can remember. I was a women's libber in the 50s. So let the haters hate, as they will, but believe in yourself, as you are the only one who really matters in the whole realm of your life.

Dee :fairy1:

If thats the way you feel then you should change it . I've been there and done that one and change it so I didn't feel like that . No time in life for a pity party it's up to you how you live.

Leslie, there is a reaction to every action. You are actually free to do as you please as long as you are not breaking any laws. I spend a lot of time by myself and sometimes crossdressing does make me bitter and anti-social. I wish I can just be myself but then you think about how that would affect people around you. Most of us are in so much conflict with who we are and what the general societies expectation if from us. When you add the guilt and the shame most of us carry, we are stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Not at all, if anything I'm more out going than ever. Ignorant people sometimes get me down, but I consider the source.

Sonya, I agree. Much conflict, confusion, anger, frustration , fear and gulit too often true. Much of it is over going out the door.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=otCpCn0l4Wo&feature=kp

Leslie, you really struck a nerve in me. I spent six years (six years too many) with an insecure, manipulative man who would complain about what I wore. He didnt like my pants, shirts, or even my underwear. I bent every way to accommodate him, but he wouldnt return the favor by simply refraining from wearing certain ugly sweaters in public. We had other issues, but they all boiled down to insecurity and a power struggle. Looking back, I was a fool to stay as long as I did. I get you, girl.

By the way, his family, for the most part, was just awful, but I think being polite to the in laws is a different subject, and something you kind of have to do.

I dont think its crossdressing thats making you bitter and anti social. I think not feeling like you can be yourself, defensively reacting to a situation like a fighter on the ropes, instead of thoughtfully making your own choices, is what is making you bitter and anti social.

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Originally Posted by Andy66

I dont think its crossdressing thats making you bitter and anti social. I think not feeling like you can be yourself, defensively reacting to a situation like a fighter on the ropes, instead of thoughtfully making your own choices, is what is making you bitter and anti social.

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Pretty much this. It seems to be expected by much of society that TG folks should subordinate our needs to be who we are to conform and make others more comfortable. That rejection, abuse, discrimination, and even violence are our lot, and that we deserve no better. Their comfort trumps our identities - that's what so many seem to expect. The tragedy is so many of them, particularly partners and parents and friends are so awfully uncomfortable with us - it really is hard on them. :(

I have been bitter, antisocial and mad as hell since I was a small child, long before dressing became significant in my life, for reasons not related to dressing.

Many complain about their marriages and such, but remember there are folks out there who are lonely. Alone. Unwanted. Who have no human contact at all. Who have to sleep alone. Every single night of their life. Sometimes being alone isn't what it is cracked up to be either.

Leslie I can't understand why more members aren't agreeing with you, it often feels like a one way street ! At some point it's got to be said, " What about me, I have feelings too !!"
The feeling of zero interest is just saying I want to change part of my life, and until I do I'm not interested on what's going on !

Great Topic Leslie , and I can relate to your points well .

Dressing En Femme has made me very anti social , and I make my excuses regularly . If there is an opportunity to dress in the manner I prefer , and make myself up , whether its just relaxing at home or sneaking out alone , I'll pass on social occasions most times , in order to enjoy being the real Me.

I hope 1 or 2 rude replies , don't prevent you starting more of these interesting Threads

Popular opinion seems to swing back and forth between treating your spouse like a queen, and dressing how we like. Only a lucky few have relationships where both of those things can happen at once. How do they do it?

Hi Leslie, I'm the same easy going person no matter what.

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Originally Posted by Andy66

Popular opinion seems to swing back and forth between treating your spouse like a queen, and dressing how we like. Only a lucky few have relationships where both of those things can happen at once. How do they do it?

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Compromise, communication, honesty and trust. I feel like I am trying to compromise the best I can, so that I am not completely dismissing and ignoring how I feel, but also taking his feelings and needs into consideration. I communicate with him constantly about how I'm feeling, what I'm scared about, what I feel I can or can't handle, etc. I have always been 100% honest with him, even if I know what I say may upset him. Trust, that's not so good right now, but I hope I can get it back.

On the other hand, I feel lack of compromise from him. Many things I suggest he flat out says no I can't do that, but never comes back with "but I can do ____". His communication skills have always been lacking, but I feel him starting to open up and talk to me a bit more (it helps if I do my best not to cry, which can be difficult because I'm extremely emotional). His honesty with himself and me hasn't been too good lately, somewhat affected by his guilt, inability to communicate well and him not wanting to hurt me.

But if both people are willing to work on these things, I think it could work. It may be bumpy for a while, but it could work. I think for both people compromise can be the most difficult, depending on how deep the feelings/needs go.

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Originally Posted by Leslie Langford

. . . "you have to", or "it's expected" - and mainly to keep the peace with your spouse or SO? And this is likely the same spouse or SO who forces you into a DADT relationship with her to maintain marital harmony, but on her terms? Terms that are coming from an asymmetrical power imbalance within the relationship, because she is using guilt and shame to manipulate you into getting her way? . . . this happy feeling is becoming inversely proportional to the resentment I am starting to feel over restrictions to being fully able to express this side of me within the confines (yes, I used that word deliberately) my marriage. And yet, at the same time I am expected to nod and smile while I accede to - and put up with - everyone else's idiosyncrasies, foibles, and neediness. In other words, starting to become bitter and anti-social...

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Hi Leslie,

I just got back from my trip and am going to take a few days to rest and recoup but I wanted to respond to a few threads before going and this was one. Please read this response is given with good intentions and is not meant to hack on your thread but provide my opinion on what I see is a repeating theme in a lot of threads . . . "What about the rights of the CDer in a relationship to be who they are?"

While I understand your angst and the compromises you and others make to remain married I also believe that we (CDers) self-impose (read agree to) a lot of these restrictions upon ourselves much to our own detriment. When I came out to my wife, I expected and was prepared for the inevitable (get your stuff and get out). Luckily for me this did not happen and room was made for Isha in our lives. However, the standing agreement with my wife is, should a time come when Isha is too much for her to handle then I am prepared to walk away. We both know that Isha is not going anywhere, she cannot be boxed put on a shelf and forgotten as it would create undue emotional distress on me which would then (and did) translate into bitterness, anger, hostility toward our relationship. So when I say I would walk away it is not because I am callous, unfeeling, selfish or narcissistic . . . it is for the exact opposite reasons I would do so. I love my wife far too much to become that angry, bitter and hostile (emotionally) douche I was becoming before I came out. If I accepted conditions which I could not live with it would not be long before I would feel bitter and mad and the relationship would end. Relationships falter all the time over things not even related to CDing (e.g., money, infidelity, work, hobbies) these are either worked on via mutual communication and/or couples counselling. In the end they may be resolved or they may not and both parties go their separate ways . . . that is life and sometimes it is not "happily ever after."

Don't get me wrong, I have agreed to things when it comes to CDing that I can live without but likewise my wife has agreed to things she can live with. I agree 100 percent with your statement that no one party (CDer or SO) should have an unequal balance of power when it comes to this thing we do. If power is to be portioned (either equally or more one sided) then both parties need to agree. If you have agreed to a more "one sided power balance" and can live with it as many here in DADT relationships have, then it will most likely work out. If you have not agreed to a such a power imbalance or feel as though you drew the short straw in the "rule making" then it will most definitely lead to bitterness.

Now before anyone piles on with a "holier than thou - you have an understanding wife" tirade, I am fully cognizant that we each remain in marriages for a variety of reasons. Many GGs stay with CDing husbands on this site for various reasons and many CDers remain in DADT relationships for various reasons. However the one constant in relationships is that you either find common ground and move forward (it may still not be all sunshine and lollipops, but what relationship is) or you try to find common ground and cannot at which point there are only two options (1) end it in the best way possible or; (2) remain in the relationship and hope for the best . . . however each has to make their own decision for that scenario.

Hugs

Isha

I'll admit that I am frustrated too. Not just with my TG issues, but the world in General, what with all the bigotry, ideology, irrationality, etc.

However, there is not much I can do but be true to myself and try to have a happy life. Forgiveness seems to be daily for me, while all the while being ignorant of my own faults. I'm working on that, though.

No guidance here, just thoughts.

In general, my experience of being an occasional out & about CD has been positive and has opened up my social world considerably. Women, young and young(er), old and old(er) will interact with me in ways that I probably wouldn't ever experience if I was just a regular 50yo guy. I think the CDing has probably kept me from getting bitter..

Best,
Ms. Wedge

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Originally Posted by Andy66

Popular opinion seems to swing back and forth between treating your spouse like a queen, and dressing how we like. Only a lucky few have relationships where both of those things can happen at once. How do they do it?

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Way before I recognized I was transgendered and made a real effort to stop playing gender based games my wife and I had to agree to equal and non gender based power sharing. The games that men and women play in the interests of society's oppressive view of gender roles are many, mostly unconscious, and so destabilizing in a modern world that I am frankly amazed that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce. Mbeth talks about her husband's flat out no's and lack of communication skills. These are as much gender based behaviors as the ridiculous need for men to have an answer to everything (and that one is very difficult to stop), to refuse to ask for directions, or to feel they must have power over women's reproductive choices. Since both my wife and I are alpha males, or I should say, in all honesty she's an alpha male and I'm an alpha female, not being incredibly sensitive to the power dynamics of our relationship always resulted and from time to time still result in arguments that are so destructive to our emotional well being that we are hung over for days. We simply can't handle them.

I agree entirely with Isha that, as she said, if power is to be portioned...then both sides have to agree. I am afraid that too many marriages just blunder along their destructive paths because the partners are unwilling to surrender power and often won't even talk about it.

I do treat my wife like a queen and I do dress how I like. But she also treats me like a queen and she also dresses how she likes. Actually I think her taste and presentation is so superior to mine that I defer to her most of the time, drawing the line only if I think the clothes and presentation she suggests are too masculine for me.

We still have problems. No relationship exists that doesn't have problems. But we know or rapidly recognize where the problems come from. They usually are assertions of power resulting from personal issues like exhaustion, pain or anxiety. The way that power is asserted is most often by being short, curt, dismissive or neglectful of the other person, by discounting their feelings, by undervaluing them. Invariably this results in the other partner complaining or being curt and aggressive in turn. We just got better at stopping this hateful cycle quickly by recognizing our behavior, talking about it and apologizing. I can't say this is easy to do but it certainly beats the alternative. Of course I think that I apologize too much, she doesn't enough and she thinks I never apologize and she's always having to defer. But we do understand that that is just what we would think and we don't have to act on it. We can recognize we're still thinking like hurt children and at least we can act like sane adults.

I'm not quite fed up with socializing with relatives and straight friends, and I wouldn't call my behavior antisocial either. But I do spend too much time at home alone (which isn't social), not necessarily dressed. My bitterness is about my income being reduced for the last 4 or 5 years, and CDing is part of the reason that I don't get out there and socialize with prospects, or seek better employment.

I don't blame CDing on my grumpy moods, but I'm sure it's a factor. I sometimes wonder what my life would be like if I were out in public as a full time CD, but it's never been what I wanted to do. Come to think of it, I doubt that would make me happy unless it was completely socially acceptable.

I see where you're coming from Leslie even though my situation is much different than yours, now that I'm single. Freedom!

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Isha

So when I say I would walk away it is not because I am callous, unfeeling, selfish or narcissistic . . . it is for the exact opposite reasons I would do so. I love my wife far too much to become that angry, bitter and hostile (emotionally) douche I was becoming before I came out. If I accepted conditions which I could not live with it would not be long before I would feel bitter and mad and the relationship would end. Relationships falter all the time over things not even related to CDing (e.g., money, infidelity, work, hobbies) these are either worked on via mutual communication and/or couples counselling. In the end they may be resolved or they may not and both parties go their separate ways . . . that is life and sometimes it is not "happily ever after."

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This makes sense to me but mainly in the opposite way. One of my reasons why I walked away from my marriage was actually the anger and the resentment that my ex had towards me. After many purges and futile promises to myself, I have no choice but to live with this side of me in harmony (if that is at all possible). Mind you my ex never saw me dressed (that I know of), I never underdressed in front of her, never took it in to the bed room, no hair removal of any kind other than face and I most of the time had some growth on my face. Even though it was hard to end the marriage, I think letting her go was the only honourable thing to do. Don’t get me wrong, we had many other problems in our marriage, maybe all of those problems could have been managed to my ex's satisfaction but not my cross dressing. Some of you and GG members might think that I am just playing the role of a victim and looking for sympathy but I assure you this has been my personal experience and I never blamed my ex or imposed anything on her. I really don’t know if my cross dressing was just an easy way out of the relationship for her or she was so repulsed by my cross dressing and lost all her trust on me.

You have to be your own yardstick. Over my many years, I have been treated shamefully and shabbily by many people. Many of whom I considered to be among my best friends. You cannot measure yourself by these things. Giving credence to them, even in the slightest degree, is what leads to bitterness. But bitterness does not harm the person who mistreated you. It harms YOU, and no one else.

When someone treats you badly, ask yourself this: if the shoe were on the other foot, would I have treated them the way they treated me? If the honest answer is NO, then you've won. It doesn't matter how it seems at the time. You're the better person, and that's all that matters.

Live up to your own expectations. Measure yourself by your own yardstick. If you do that, and the result pleases you, it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Eryn

And to those men who think that wearing women's clothing makes me less of a man, let's see them find the courage to walk the length of the Galleria wearing a pretty dress! And enjoy it!

To the women who think that wearing women's clothing makes me less of a man, the only opinion that counts is Mimi's.

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<3

Best answer EVAR!

I think I understand exactly how you feel Leslie, especially the frustration you experience when the “happy feeling is becoming inversely proportional to the resentment I am starting to feel”. That certainly resonates with my experience and I don’t like that feeling at all. I just refuse to allow myself to evolve into a grumpy old man and am doing my best to prevent it from happening. Grumpiness is just not in my character and yet I see it creeping into my mindset way too often. In my case the CD’ing is not the source of my marital frustration but the inability to freely express my CD nature certainly exacerbates the other problems and increases the frustration level. I think that’s a unique problem that many of us here may face (other folks have many other problems so we are not unique in having problems obviously).

Your post just expresses your feeling of increasing frustration with the double standard imposed on MTF CDs in society and your unhappiness with yourself due to the resulting growing resentment you feel. Why a few here on this forum would attack you for your post as a “pity party” is somewhat beyond me but I think it illuminates the problem even more that we CD’s are regarded as dirt by some people and have no right to complain especially in regards to marital issues.

Thanks for your post Leslie. Good luck on working out your frustrations, there may be no easy solution and I think these problems become more difficult as we get older and we perceive that our options in life are more limited. I do hope you can resist the grumpy syndrome as it’s no way to lead a life.

Hugs,
Stephanie

I think my answer is "it depends." My relationship with my wife is great, and I enjoy spending time with my two young daughters. I like visiting with my parents, and can honestly say that I even like my in-laws. When I'm with family, I just put the need to crossdress on hold. But, I've never had to spend more than say a week at a time with my parents or in-laws, so this might have something to do with it. They also live 4+ hours away, so we only see them a few times a year. That said, sometimes I feel uncomfortable when talking to my parents on my phone, and having to conceal some of my activities. Mom: "What did you do this weekend?" Me: "Um, not much." because "Oh, I put on the cutest dress and went out and had drinks with my crossdressing buddies" just would be too much of a shock for her.

That said, I have noticed that I am more likely to feel slighted at work since I started to more strongly identify as TG. Is this sort of my way of saying "I feel put upon by society enough that I won't tolerate minor annoyances?" I don't know. Maybe it's just a symptom of getting older and has nothing to do with being TG.