Quote Originally Posted by Leslie Langford View Post
. . . "you have to", or "it's expected" - and mainly to keep the peace with your spouse or SO? And this is likely the same spouse or SO who forces you into a DADT relationship with her to maintain marital harmony, but on her terms? Terms that are coming from an asymmetrical power imbalance within the relationship, because she is using guilt and shame to manipulate you into getting her way? . . . this happy feeling is becoming inversely proportional to the resentment I am starting to feel over restrictions to being fully able to express this side of me within the confines (yes, I used that word deliberately) my marriage. And yet, at the same time I am expected to nod and smile while I accede to - and put up with - everyone else's idiosyncrasies, foibles, and neediness. In other words, starting to become bitter and anti-social...
Hi Leslie,

I just got back from my trip and am going to take a few days to rest and recoup but I wanted to respond to a few threads before going and this was one. Please read this response is given with good intentions and is not meant to hack on your thread but provide my opinion on what I see is a repeating theme in a lot of threads . . . "What about the rights of the CDer in a relationship to be who they are?"

While I understand your angst and the compromises you and others make to remain married I also believe that we (CDers) self-impose (read agree to) a lot of these restrictions upon ourselves much to our own detriment. When I came out to my wife, I expected and was prepared for the inevitable (get your stuff and get out). Luckily for me this did not happen and room was made for Isha in our lives. However, the standing agreement with my wife is, should a time come when Isha is too much for her to handle then I am prepared to walk away. We both know that Isha is not going anywhere, she cannot be boxed put on a shelf and forgotten as it would create undue emotional distress on me which would then (and did) translate into bitterness, anger, hostility toward our relationship. So when I say I would walk away it is not because I am callous, unfeeling, selfish or narcissistic . . . it is for the exact opposite reasons I would do so. I love my wife far too much to become that angry, bitter and hostile (emotionally) douche I was becoming before I came out. If I accepted conditions which I could not live with it would not be long before I would feel bitter and mad and the relationship would end. Relationships falter all the time over things not even related to CDing (e.g., money, infidelity, work, hobbies) these are either worked on via mutual communication and/or couples counselling. In the end they may be resolved or they may not and both parties go their separate ways . . . that is life and sometimes it is not "happily ever after."

Don't get me wrong, I have agreed to things when it comes to CDing that I can live without but likewise my wife has agreed to things she can live with. I agree 100 percent with your statement that no one party (CDer or SO) should have an unequal balance of power when it comes to this thing we do. If power is to be portioned (either equally or more one sided) then both parties need to agree. If you have agreed to a more "one sided power balance" and can live with it as many here in DADT relationships have, then it will most likely work out. If you have not agreed to a such a power imbalance or feel as though you drew the short straw in the "rule making" then it will most definitely lead to bitterness.

Now before anyone piles on with a "holier than thou - you have an understanding wife" tirade, I am fully cognizant that we each remain in marriages for a variety of reasons. Many GGs stay with CDing husbands on this site for various reasons and many CDers remain in DADT relationships for various reasons. However the one constant in relationships is that you either find common ground and move forward (it may still not be all sunshine and lollipops, but what relationship is) or you try to find common ground and cannot at which point there are only two options (1) end it in the best way possible or; (2) remain in the relationship and hope for the best . . . however each has to make their own decision for that scenario.

Hugs

Isha