The good news is i can dress whenever I want now...

I recently came back from Fantasia Fair. Overall it was an amazing, wonderful experience. A couple of pictures below. On the other hand, while i was there my wife of 34 years texted and said I had to give up crossdressing or our marriage was over. I've tried that before, made it a year and "backslid", so she knew, as I reminded her, that this was just not something I could do. So, she moved across the country, outing me to our 5 adult children on the way.

The interesting thing is that they all said they couldn't care less about my crossdressing! Something my wife told me for years would freak them out and destroy our marriage, just wasn't an issue for them at all. That gives me an incredible sense of relief. I came out to my best friend just before I left for FanFair and he has been incredibly supportive through this, as have my children.

Overall, though, I'd say my life of the last couple of weeks has had a very surreal feel. I was completely closeted for the past 8 years, hiding my true self from my children and friends, at my wife's insistence, feeling incredibly guilty and constantly worried about being discovered.

Now, between being able to be en femme 24/7 at Fan Fair, and then being so incredibly out of the closet that I can't even see the door anymore--my head is spinning a bit. I mean, I walked the runway twice at Fan Fair, and now all my clothes are out in my closet, instead of stuffed into a cardboard box in the back of the closet, and I've moved my wife's remaining clothes downstairs to make room.

This is not the way I expected things to turn out. It is a lot to get a handle on!

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One wonders what she thinks now? Have the kids told her, that it doesn't bother them?

I wonder if that can make her reconsider?

@Underdresser

Just remember this simple phrase to explain any unaccepting person's attitude about us:
It's all about them - it's never about you, nor anyone else

It is really just that simple.

@Emeraude - I am happy for your newfound freedom to express yourself. I'm sincerely sorry for the loss of your relationship. I've been through that, and it's just awful.

Just don't let it swallow you wholly.

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Originally Posted by PaulaQ

Just remember this simple phrase to explain any unaccepting person's attitude about us:
It's all about them - it's never about you, nor anyone else

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The same could be said about many CD/TG/TS if we are honest with ourselves Paula.

That being said I must say I do struggle with some SO's approach. From what I have read Em seems to have been both respectful and understanding of her wives concerns, it would seem to me to be a fairly unforgiving individual who could not cut some slack and work with you to try save your relationship.

PS. Love the hot pink 50's style frock :)

Em, you look great in the pics. Sorry about the whole other part. Glad your
kids are so accepting, maybe after the wife has some alone time, she will
reconsider. Like Jen said take things slowly, who knows what tomorrow will bring.

Emeraude,
It's like giving us the good news and the bad news at the same time !
It looks as if it's mostly good news now but I wonder if your wife wanted out anyway !
I would think many of us live with a partner who has irrational fears, I'm sure I do ! I'll have to make a note of Paula's quote, it's so applicable and not just to our community !
I hope you don't encounter problems in the future with your children, one of my fears is being cut off from our grandchildren if my children knew !

Crikey! :eek:

You seem to have handled it very well, Em... From what you say I'd guess there was a lot more leading up to the texted ultimatum as it doesn't seem to have come as a massive shock, although any break up has unhappy content. Perhaps be prepared for that to take a while before it hits... But great that your offspring are supportive... Enjoy your newly found freedom! :)

Katey x

Em:

First of all, you look fantastic. Looks like you really hit it out of the park at Fantasia Fair.

When my wife passed away I was filled with a mixture of grief and profound loss, but at the same time a sense of freedom for Rhonda. So while I'm sorry that your CDing has cost you your wife, I fully understand the exhilaration that being alone and able to express and explore Em and all that she can be brings you. It can get heady at times, so be mindful of the pink fog.

Oh, and be sure to change the locks and the alarm code on the house. Also, even if you hold some hope for a reconciliation, talk to a lawyer about how to best protect yourself. Do it before you need it.

Best,
Rhonda

Hi Emeraude, First off , You are a very lovely young lady, It's always so sad to hear of a longtime marriage go down the crapper .

So many times when one door closes another door opens, I wish you good luck and much happiness.:hugs:

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Originally Posted by BLUE ORCHID

So many times when one door closes another door opens, I wish you good luck and much happiness.:hugs:

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I agree and it appears the door that was opened belongs to the closet! Em, sounds like you are enjoying your freedom and congratulations on continuing your children's relationship in an authentic manner.

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Originally Posted by Adina

The same could be said about many CD/TG/TS if we are honest with ourselves Paula.

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You are incorrect. I have never seen a trans person here attempt to deny the basic humanity of their SO. The world at large, unfortunately, would mostly rather we did not exist, because the inconvenience of understanding us is just too great. Better we suffer in silence, or better still, not exist at all.

I know many trans people, men and women both, who exit relationships with spouses or partners with NOTHING. Their partner feels ok about that because of the following:

"If you are trans, it's always your fault."

Dearest Adina, I pray you never have to understand these cruel statements I make. As for me, I'll stand in silent vigil at TDOR later this month, saying a prayer for one woman in particular who met the ultimate conclusion of the terrible statements I've uttered in this thread.

I'm sorry about your marriage. I suspect this will hit you soon and you will begin to miss your wife. I know I would.

Wow, sorry to hear about the way you got to where you are, but hope this all works out for you. My best wishes.

Emeraude, roughly the same thing happened to me back in 2001 after 30+ years married, and after I went to Fanfair despite my then-wife's fierce disapproval. The resulting upheaval was devastating and it took four years of counseling and trying to make it all work before we finally divorced in 2005. Along the way my three grown kids each took their own predictable stances: one called it too much information, one stopped speaking to me for a couple of years, and one bought me pretty scarves for Christmas. And by 2010 I had met, wooed and married my second wife, who loves the crossdress side of me and fully participates in both shopping and stepping out. My kids have all come around to be OK with me as I am, and I couldn't be happier.
I hope it all works out as well for you. Be true to yourself, and I believe that it will.

The way I look at your situation, along with many others...it is there (wives) loss. They give up good husbands and fathers, just because they can't control every aspect of the husband.

As you found out....we do have a life after being pushed out of the nest. Look after yourself.

I can't know what your married life was like, other than the DADT aspect of it. But wither it is reconciliation or Divorce, I hope you find what it is that you need to me happy in life, sometimes freedom is all it takes, and if that is what you need, then you'll be fine.
Sometimes it is only the letting go that is hard, because there just wasn't that much left in the relationship but old habits that need to be broken. You just don't sound all that upset by it, so maybe it was a good thing.

@PaulaQ

We have heard you express profound sadness in the loss of your wife and familiar home life.

Maybe once the exhilaration Emeraude feels at the moment and the reality of just what is being given up, will allow a softening of heart against her hasty ultimatum.
Now that she sees their children's reactions she might have a change of heart, as she comes to understand her fear was unfounded.

I think she and their union, at least deserves some patient reflection.

Too bad! Such ultimatums rarely work, especially when it relates to expecting that you suppress part of who you are. I'm sure there is more to the story for both of you and perhaps this is not the final chapter. Scared to me, though, as someone in a long-term marriage with an unaccepting wife. Wish you the best (and you are a very pretty gal). Nancy

Just be your self, and enjoy, life now.

@Momarie - I agree, I hope Emeraude and her wife are able to find a way to get past this, to find a way to make it work. Because indeed, choosing between your identity, and the love of your life is an impossible situation. The loss of the relationship is heartbreaking. At least for me, it was a terrible loss - I still care about her, and miss her. I probably always will.

I do give credit to Emeraude, though, for having the courage and honesty to admit that this part of her isn't going away. I know this hurt her wife - that just seems so clear that it had to have. Still, the truth will out, and a relationship based on a lie is not on a good foundation.

You look and sound very happy and I hope that continues for you. It is hard for many women to be comfortable being married to a cross dresser so I wouldn't be too hard on your wife for her reaction. Did she know you were a cross dresser before marriage or was this a later development?

I just hope that you can each both work out the best possible future for the two of you and your children.

The pics do look very good by the way.

Just keep balance in your life between the girl and guy side.

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Originally Posted by PaulaQ

"If you are trans, it's always your fault."

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That phrase could well be accompanied by "If you are not trans then you will never understand my pain" catch cry.

What I am trying to say Paula is that just being Trans does not make us immune to selfishness or intolerance. I would NEVER advocate discrimination or abuse of any individual, no matter the cause. But I do believe we must make sure we remove the plank from our own eye before we point out the splinter in the eyes of others.

Congradulations! Your life is now ultimatum free! You can now do what you want, when you want, if you want. You can spend your money as you see fit, buy anything you want, without permission. You can hang your fem clothes in the closet, and put your shoes under the bed, and not hide anything. And you'll probably live a little longer without the stress of hiding, or denying yourself the pleasure of dressing when you feel like it, and putting up with ultimatums. :)

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Originally Posted by MelanieAnne

Congradulations! Your life is now ultimatum free! You can now do what you want, when you want, if you want. You can spend your money as you see fit, buy anything you want, without permission. You can hang your fem clothes in the closet, and put your shoes under the bed, and not hide anything. And you'll probably live a little longer without the stress of hiding, or denying yourself the pleasure of dressing when you feel like it, and putting up with ultimatums. :)

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All that is true, for the most part. Our 22 year old son still lives with me but he tells me he absolutely does not care what I wear, and has seen me dressed. Our 25 year old daughter comes over to work at our home office several days a week and is not ready to see me dressed.

On the other hand, I have lost much of my relationship with the woman who has been my best friend for more than half my life. It's bittersweet "victory". We have been talking lately though, and I believe that it is possible for us to resurrect the friendship over time.

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Originally Posted by UNDERDRESSER

One wonders what she thinks now? Have the kids told her, that it doesn't bother them?

I wonder if that can make her reconsider?

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They have told her, and I have also let her know that they are keeping with their "I don't care" attitude. I'm sure that threw her off, but I don't believe she'll reconsider. I'll talk about that in my general reply post.

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Originally Posted by PaulaQ

@Underdresser

Just remember this simple phrase to explain any unaccepting person's attitude about us:
It's all about them - it's never about you, nor anyone else

It is really just that simple.

@Emeraude - I am happy for your newfound freedom to express yourself. I'm sincerely sorry for the loss of your relationship. I've been through that, and it's just awful.

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You're right, Paula. It is awful. No matter how depressed I was because I had to suppress who I was, that was only the last 8 years, and we've had a 34 year life together. I still love her, and losing her, even for the time being, as a friend, is truly awful.

Thank you all for your kind words and support. It is really a comfort to me. There are a few things I wanted to clear up. First, my wife and I have struggled with my crossdressing for about 8 years, ever since it suddenly manifested itself, and she, shortly after, caught me wearing her clothes when I thought she was asleep. She tried really, really hard to accept it. Over the years, we had swings back and forth, where we would agree to some arrangements, and then i would push the limits, then she would pull back. Three years ago she made me promise to quit and purge, or she would divorce me, so I did. Of course, I couldn't keep that promise. This past year, we made a new agreement where I would go away twice a year and dress, but that's all. The Fantasia Fair trip was far more than she bargained for, however. When she went on their site and saw the workshops on transitioning, and developing a woman's voice and walk, etc., she became convinced I was going to transition, and that was the last straw.

Based on all that, I'm certain she won't reconsider. On top of that, I haven't been happy in my marriage for years, and she knows that, although I've soft-pedaled that. I really want our marriage to end. That doesn't keep me from being very sad about the loss of a relationship that has been one of the most important things in my life.

I don't know where my male/female balance is going to end up. Unfortunately, the education and self-exploration I was experiencing at Fan Far were interrupted by all this, and the chaos after I've gotten home has kept me from any real self-examination. This is going to take some time. In the meantime, I'm looking for more opportunities to go out en femme. I'm already planning on Esprit next year, and I'm starting to reach out to my sisters in San Diego and elsewhere in Southern California.

I really don't know what the future holds, but I'm sure it'll be interesting!

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Originally Posted by nancybali

Wish you the best (and you are a very pretty gal). Nancy

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Thanks, Nancy! And isn't hearing things like that one of the best things about crossdressing?

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Originally Posted by Tracii G

Just keep balance in your life between the girl and guy side.

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That's key, Tracii, I agree. One of the things I've tried to explain to her is that I have no plan to give up being a man. It's going to take me some time to find out where the balance is, though.

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Originally Posted by Jackie7

Emeraude, roughly the same thing happened to me back in 2001 after 30+ years married, and after I went to Fanfair despite my then-wife's fierce disapproval. The resulting upheaval was devastating and it took four years of counseling and trying to make it all work before we finally divorced in 2005. Along the way my three grown kids each took their own predictable stances: one called it too much information, one stopped speaking to me for a couple of years, and one bought me pretty scarves for Christmas. And by 2010 I had met, wooed and married my second wife, who loves the crossdress side of me and fully participates in both shopping and stepping out. My kids have all come around to be OK with me as I am, and I couldn't be happier.
I hope it all works out as well for you. Be true to yourself, and I believe that it will.

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Jackie, congratulations on finding an accepting woman and building a life with her! I'm sure I'll be able to do that some day as well, and your story gives me confidence that I can.

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Originally Posted by Amy Lynn3

The way I look at your situation, along with many others...it is there (wives) loss. They give up good husbands and fathers, just because they can't control every aspect of the husband.

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So true. And this happens in a world where many women complain about men being *******s and players.
Very often the rejected CD happens to be a faithful husband, great father and a financial provider.

My wife readily admits I've been an excellent husband and father for 34 years. She just can't handle this part of me despite years of trying. Just goes to show how really big an issue this can be for women.

so happy for you, now you can be who you truly are, with no problems from a wife, you and everyone so deserves that. Your children will accept you as their love is unconditional. it is different for a wife. She is probably happy now ( I hope) and I can so tell that you are. very nice

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Originally Posted by Emeraude

My wife readily admits I've been an excellent husband and father for 34 years. She just can't handle this part of me despite years of trying. Just goes to show how really big an issue this can be for women.

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It's itonic - considering how many women stick around and tolerate so-called "real" men who then run around cheating with other women, getting drunk with the boys and partying and gambling. A real man is faithful to his wife, is a good father and a provider.

Two more thoughts. I can't think of a good reason to ever dress in front of your kids, even if they know. I've always tried to be "Dad' to my kids, and always will. There's no way I would ever let them see me in a dress.
And secondly, "best friends" don't issue ultimatums. I would always be amenable to working things out, but not after an ultimatum. An ultimatum is simply "My way or the highway", and indicates a refusal to negotiate or compromise.

I've only glanced over this thread but sounds like a good one to share with the younger girls in the forum? I am...I think (having only come out recently ) fortunate that my wife is accepting of me as I am but it would lead to a serious train wreck if not, I was heading full speed to that end myself which is is why I HAD to come out!

I always feel for people when they cant make it together in life, but sometimes it is for the best.
I hope you and your children can share a more open relationship now and you can live the life you want.

I went back and read some of your older postings; re-introduction and comments concerning a somewhat encouraging acceptance of you by your wife. One can never feel safe or comfortable. As I have seen many times before a wife may change her mind and do a complete 180 on the subject. You stated, and, I wthink I am iof a similar mind, that we understand the angst cross dressing may cause a wife. Even if we shield all vestiges of cross dressing there is always that nagging feeling that he is no longer the person I married. What I can never accept is ultimatums to get one's way. It seems your wife played her trump card and she lost. I'm glad your children have accepted you. If you have been a loving and caring and supportive father that should carry a lot of weight on how they view you. I definitely agree with the comments that a lot of the problem is really "It all about them."

Frankly, I just wouldn't move her clothing downstairs. I'd mail them to her.

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Originally Posted by Emeraude

My wife readily admits I've been an excellent husband and father for 34 years. She just can't handle this part of me despite years of trying. Just goes to show how really big an issue this can be for women.

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Whenever we see a post like this it is so touching. Those of us who have understanding wives / SO's really can't appreciate how difficult this is -- not only for us, but for the women involved. You did mention that you hadn't been happy in your marriage for years -- was it just the CD'ing, or were other things involved?

Hard as this may be, it sounds like a liberating moment for you. I hope it works out for the best.

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Originally Posted by Claire Cook

Whenever we see a post like this it is so touching. Those of us who have understanding wives / SO's really can't appreciate how difficult this is -- not only for us, but for the women involved. You did mention that you hadn't been happy in your marriage for years -- was it just the CD'ing, or were other things involved?

Hard as this may be, it sounds like a liberating moment for you. I hope it works out for the best.

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No, it wasn't just the crossdressing. There was something about our relationship that made me feel a lack of power over my own life. This is something I've been exploring with my counselor. It's actually something I've been able to talk about with my wife since this happened. As the days have gone by, she has calmed down quite a bit, and we have been able to talk on the phone. We're at the point now of acceptance of the loss of the marriage (something I've, honestly, wanted for years) and are talking about being able to keep our friendship.

She really is a wonderful woman, and she has been trying for years to make the CD'ing work for her, she just can't. For me, it's just some of her control issues that have made our marriage difficult. I'm relieved that I am being liberated from all that. I would never have ended our marriage on my own. I think, deep down inside, she knew all this and she took the necessary step. She's very intuitive.

It doesn't keep me from being sad about also leaving behind a relationship that did have its very good points for over three decades.

Glad your doing so well with this. It's great your kids are okey with rhe dressing. Love the pic in the pink dress hun.:hugs:
Angie

Thanks. The kids (the three youngest, that still live here in San Diego) have been amazing. They keep inviting me out to do things with them--getting me out of the house and expanding my horizons. None of them seem bothered at all by my CD'ing.

There's a story behind that dress (which is actually red, not pink like it looks in the picture). Nicole Renee, who's a member here, has a hair/makeup salon in Massachusetts that is very trans-friendly. When she saw my Fan Fair post she invited me to model this dress for her, because she is starting to carry a clothing line. Not only did she do my hair and makeup for the fashion show, she gave me the dress and the amazing petticoat you see peeking out underneath! The dress is a double-knit, but lighter weight, and it fits like it was made for me. Nicole is a very sweet woman, and great to work with. We're working on getting some more pics of me in the dress and I'll post them here if we do.

That is good news but not so good. Obviously it falls on your wife to accept and she will need counseling on that one and even then there is no guarantee she'll ever accept. My wife is kind of like that at one point very accepting and then as things continued it was less and less. Now are relationship is fine but my CDing is kind of a DADT type which I don't really like although I don't mind being closeted and keeping a secret I do bring it up once and awhile and she would rather not hear it. I really don't mind it since I kind of like secrets and she will usually know when I dress. I have an offsite locker here is SD which allows 24 hr access and is set up for CDers it works fine for me although I do miss some dressing time occasionally. But with that said I think I'll go dress for the afternoon. Also on the good side this kind of relation ship helps keep my dressing in check because as you probably know it can become addicting if you let it get out of hand

Unfortunately, the phrase "No Pain, No Gain" does come true too frequently.

Just remember that the past is the past. We can't undo it and we can't fix it. We can only utilized that which we learned and apply it to now and into the future...

By your posts, your wife sounds controlling. Perhaps, if it wasn't the CDing, it would have been something else. Maybe with a couple weeks to herself, she may rethink the whole issue. The phone doesn't ring much for 60 year old women.

I'm starting to think more about the "good news" part. One part is that I can stay completely shaved, something my wife would never tolerate. When I was shaving off my body hair getting ready for Fan Fair I had an incredible feeling of liberation--like I was shearing off this fur coat that was somehow a symbol of oppression. (Dramatic, and unfair, I know, but still....). I go out in shorts now, not caring whether anybody notices my shaved legs. I went dress shopping today and wasn't worried at all about whether the other women thought anything about it. I can wear one of my nighties out of my collection every night, along with my breast forms and go downstairs and get coffee still dressed like that. I dress at home whenever the mood strikes me (unless one of my daughters is over; they haven't said that they are ready for that.) I bought myself an anklet today, just a little gift for myself, and I didn't have to sneak it into the house an put it into my secret stash, I put it in the jewelry holder I have hanging openly in my closet, along with my name badge from Fan Fair. And can sit here and post to this site openly, whenever i fee like it.

Femme lib is great!

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Originally Posted by MelanieAnne

By your posts, your wife sounds controlling. Perhaps, if it wasn't the CDing, it would have been something else. Maybe with a couple weeks to herself, she may rethink the whole issue. The phone doesn't ring much for 60 year old women.

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She may rethink the whole issue, but I really want out of this marriage, so I'm not going to cooperate with that.

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Originally Posted by Emeraude

When I was shaving off my body hair getting ready for Fan Fair I had an incredible feeling of liberation--like I was shearing off this fur coat that was somehow a symbol of oppression. (Dramatic, and unfair, I know, but still....).

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Oh honey, that is not dramatic and unfair at all. Facial and body hair was incredibly triggering for my gender dysphoria. (It still is - a year later, I'm still working on getting rid of all this horrible, horrible stuff, but by god, it will be GONE.)

I felt that getting out of my "man-suit" was like taking off a prison uniform. I literally felt like I was being given a brief furlough from solitary confinement after years in a sunless cell.

Any relationship where you can't honestly be yourself is just not one that is right for the both of you. That is hard to hear, but it's the truth, I'm afraid.

I'm with MelanieAnne here. Trust me, you absolutely don't have to be married! I answer to no man, or woman for that matter, and it's the best feeling in the world for me. Sure I'd love to find my dream girl, but I'm finding as time passes she is me! Welcome to the wonderful world of independent manhood, or womanhood whichever you want to be today.

It is never easy to think of what to say to someone who is going through divorce. Saying sorry might be met with "this is all good". I think I'll leave it at the fact that you seem as if you have come to terms with what has happened and that it is for the best.

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Originally Posted by Emeraude

My wife readily admits I've been an excellent husband and father for 34 years. She just can't handle this part of me despite years of trying. Just goes to show how really big an issue this can be for women.

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Aside from the personal sharings, I think this is the most important point you have made. A woman who has 30+ years invested in marriage cannot make such decisions to end a relationship lightly. There is fear for the future, both financially and the prospect of being alone. She may have made a power play with the ultimatum, thinking she would prevail but ended up losing.

Sometimes you have to look out for number one and it sounds as if you are very clear-headed about this whole thing rather than someone who is single-mindedly wrapped up by a new-found freedom (despite the title of this thread ;) ). Best of luck to you.