Should I still tell my wife?

For a long time now I have been thinking about being true to myself and letting my family know about my desire to crossdress (and maybe transition). I have thought long and hard about how I would tell my wife, children, friends and work and what the outcome might be for each conversation. Would I be accepted, feared, hated or a combination of all?

My plan was to tell my wife first and see how that goes, then move on from there. I have thought how I would sit down with her and talk about how I fell that I am not being the true myself and that I also believe that I am not being true to us and our marriage because I am keeping a lie from her and not telling the truth. I feel that I need her to know what is going through my head and why I have been moody over the past six to 12 months. I know that the reason I have been moody is because of my desire to dress and be more feminine, but like many others in the same situation I feel that my home / social life does not allow that.

Lately I have been thinking that 2016 will be my year. It will be the year that I start telling people, discover who I am, speak with doctors, dress a bit more feminine or do feminine things like paint my nails and start wearing earrings again. My plan was to tell my wife during the Christmas holiday period so that she had time to take it in, ask questions, do research or just do what she needed before returning to work. I don't expect that things will be fine straight away but discussing it is the first step down the long road. My hope is that even if she does not fully accept it, she still loves me and wants to be with me and 'allows' me to have nights out with friends for dinners or whatever. Then things changed today.

We have friends who are a straight couple and he is transgendered. I have known this for years (I went to my first Sydney Mardi Gras with them) and I fully accept him in boy or girl mode. He often has his nails done and wears feminine clothes in both modes. Then today after catching up with them my wife waitied till we were home before commenting of how he was wearing feminine shorts with shaved legs. My reaction was that he always dressed like that so why was she saying anything now. She has know them for 7 years so it shouldn't be new to her.

We discussed it some more and I mentioned that his partner obviously accepts him, as does his family and friends. My wife responded with 'she may not accept him but stays with him because she feels that she has to because they have three children and she doesn't want to loose the family situation'. I don't want my wife to stay with me because she feels that she has to, I want her to stay with me because she wants to.

So now that I have some idea of how she feels about someone being trangendered I don't know what to do. Do I still go through with it and risk my family or do I shut up like I have for the past 43 years and deal with it in silence?

No, don't.


(btw I was at that last Mardi Gras in Syndey. Fun how the Australians really embrace it there)

I am not the best person to give you advice, as I told my wife before we were married. I broke it to her slowly and after we were married I took it very slowly until she was at ease with it. I do remember how she noticed my change in my mood when I dressed. I think that helped in getting her acceptance. The only piece of advice I can give you is when you break it to her don't tell her you are thinking of transitioning. I would think this would be too much too soon. I don't really remember how I told my wife as it has been over 36 years since I did it. Others on here will probably give you tips on breaking it to your wife. You mentioned that you have been moody for a year because you cannot dress. I know that happens to me when I can't express myself. I would take it slowly to judge how she is going to accept it. I wish I could help you more.

Robin

Wow, you explained it. You do know that your wife wants a man. I am an Androgynous male yet I have long finger nails. Painted toes and go to yoga with them and the yoga teacher and I have discussed it. Earrings yep. You seem to want to be a bit more feminine to find yourself. Perhaps that is what you should talk to her about. It is far cry to want to change gender. But I can tell you that I do go out as a female and love it. Yet I also go out male and as far as that goes I still love that. Does people around me think I'm more feminine. I would say yes. But I'm not going to transition. When you are out there comfortable as a female. One gets a different perspective if your wife is with you on that. I think it is the best of both worlds. But don't shut up. Do communicate and enjoy life. I know that it was hard for all of us. But we are men and we beat to our own drums. Do appreciate your wife. I am preparing for diva las vegas and will be a female for more than a week. Hair removable and evening dresses, Ive been looking at this afternoon. Yep we do get to play female and our mates go with us. Try to get that far before you take a dive into the TS life.

If you have been married a long time and truly love each other maybe not but that is up to you not us to decide.
I get how you feel but you are not living a lie because you are who you are irrespective of gender issues.

Without reading more than the first few lines...err..wow this is a leap of faith at the wrong time of year. I've been drinking with family so anything I write is not completely coherent and sober me.

I would seriously hold back and think through what you are proposing. I read that transition is on the cards and your wife is not even aware that you CD. I'm not being a downer here, wait for some more lucid replies, but Sis, hold back for the moment at least.

Becky

Christmas is a time for family so IMO not a great time to bring it up because you can ruin the whole holiday thing for your wife.
If she doesn't know you CD and you drop this bombshell she may not react well at all.
Would you if she suddenly said honey I want to me a man?

Thanks for the advice everyone, I appreciate it. I also realise that this is not the best time of year so will wait and take time to think things through.

One of the reasons I was thinking of at least talking with her about it (even if I don't start dressing or doing anything yet) is because we are moving overseas in August 2016 for a few years and part of me wants to know now if I should go or not. I it doesn't work out I'm staying behind. But then what happens to our young kids? I guess part of me want to be selfish.

Samantha, I think you should stop and assess your position before you progress. You need a road map to help you get started down this very tricky road. My wife found out after 26 years of marriage and has been very much reluctant to Heidi.
We do have a very strong love for each other and it's helped keep this relationship together. It's also taken couples therapy and gender therapy for myself.
With that, I think you should get some gender therapy and see where you are. You seen to have some confusion on if your just a crossdresser or gender dysphoric. The gender therapist will help you to sort things out. Once you get that settled you can figure out where your marriage is headed. The gender therapist will help set up a "road map" to help tell others.
As others have said, the holidays are not a good time to spring something like this on those in the dark. Get a plan and follow it should be your best course. Good luck

everyone's situation is different and everybody may have an opinion...
honesty may be the best policy but the final decision is all on you.

my opinion is if you say nothing you may be miserable for the rest of your life,
as once "bitten" the urge only gets stronger and does not go away.

if you tell her that can go 2 ways. she may be supportive and then you may be very happy
or she wants a divorce. as awful as that can be you will heel in time and always be a father.
but you will have the freedom to be happy!

seems to me the most unhappiness comes from not saying anything...

i do wish you the very best... :)

Samantha,
I've said it many times now but you've hit your forties and all this starts to happen ,at some point you have to come out to her Cding is for life and you'll can't bottle it up for ever. You must try and get your CDing straight in your own mind before telling her, once you start to tell her too many don't knows won't help . Many of us go through the TS question and many don't have that problem, I know now I stop short as being TG.
The point I don't understand is the moving abroad and questioning whether you should go, it sounds as if it's not for your work otherwise you would have to go .
Think hard about telling the children, if they are still at school or young adults , try not to put that on them , they will have enough to contend with in their own lives.

I will give one word of wisdom from my counsellor, I was going round in circles with assumptions in my head, she tried hard to convince me to talk about the problems and stop thinking what people thought, because it was often wrong.

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Originally Posted by Samantha Scott

...My plan was to tell my wife first and see how that goes, then move on from there. I have thought how I would sit down with her and talk about how I fell that I am not being the true myself and that I also believe that I am not being true to us and our marriage because I am keeping a lie from her and not telling the truth....

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Lots of good advice already, but only you know what is right for you.

You are keeping the truth from her, but you are not lying. There is a difference and it is likely that you withheld the truth to protect your wife from the effects of it.

You should talk to your wife, but that conversation should be after the holiday season. The holidays are very stressful and that isn't the time to do it.

Make sure that you will have lots of uninterrupted time to talk, and be prepared to give honest, direct answers to all of her questions. Remember that "I don't know" is a valid answer if you truly don't know. Don't make any promises you won't be able to keep.

A good way to start is to say "Dear, there is something that has been bothering me for quite a while and I want to talk to you about it."

All our partners want a "happy ever after", they have visulized their future with the "known" conditions of the pepole they fell in love with.
As we age, our lives change, as do our attitudes and values, some of our partners have even visulized these changes before they happen.
If your not femine and you never wear womens clothes around her - she is going to be blind sided, and I'll probably hear the fallout from the other side of the Tasman.

If your life really MUST change so much, give her a heads up (after the holiday) and don't be overly surprised if she walks away and tries to re-plan her "happy ever after" with someone else.

Best of luck

Very simple answer.

YES.

Now that we have that over and done with the real question is how do you tell her, when, where, what do you wish etc. etc. Are you sure you're TS, etc.

You will NEVER know your wife's response until you talk to her. AND it will take WAY more than 1 conversation and possibly years to be able to work out what is best for your family.

How do I know this? I am 43 years old, transitioned, I live in Batemans Bay with my wife of 20 years, we have 3 beautiful children aged 15, 9 and 5 yrs old. We are still together. We are still together because we are happier now than we have ever been. Believe me, if my wife wished to leave, she would.

I will send you a pm with my contact details. We know of at least one other couple locally who are still together as well as another couple with young children who are still together who are in Qld.

Best wishes

Hi Samantha,

There are many here who have travelled this same path you now stand at the entrance to. I won't sugar coat this with a lot of rhetoric on "truth setting your free", "if she loves you she will understand". The cold hard reality of the big reveal is that it can go only two ways: (1) acceptance by your wife on some level meaning complete acceptance "go get your girl on" to "fine but I never want to see it or speak of it"; or (2) exit visas for you. This is why I always caution people to think things over and gain clarity before making such a big decision. People here can tell you how it all went swimmingly well for them or how it all collapsed into a dark hole of misery but they are not living your life or your circumstances. Their advice is well meaning but it comes from a place of personal experience which may not be the same as your experience.

You talk about how you feel you "might like to transition" but I don't get from your posts that you have even explored "dressing" in any form but it is something you would like to explore (if I misread that, I apologize). You may be TS but then again you may not be and you do sound a bit conflicted. Before you make such a momentous decision, I might recommend seeking out a therapist who deals specifically with gender identity issues. If you are truly TS they will help you explore that side and integrate it into your life . . . in essence bring order to chaos. You may find that you are TG/CD and dressing on occasion will help take off the edge at which point then would be the time to discuss with your wife. My point is, I don't believe you truly know where you fall and to bring all this out to your wife without complete understanding of your self IMHO will go bad.

I am not advocating hiding it from her for all time. If you find that not being true to yourself is going to cause emotional distress it will bleed out in other ways in your relationship (anger, resentment, depression, hostility) so telling at some point might be inevitable. So perhaps let the first part of 2016 be a time of Samantha self discovery to determine where you fall through the assistance of a trained professional. Then let the second half of 2016 be the point where you integrate Samantha into your life in whatever way you feel is necessary. :)

Cheers

Marcelle

Thanks for responding and giving feedback. Maybe I should explain a little further.

I started dressing secretly when I was 4-5 which included 'borrowing' my mothers and sisters clothes, trying them on then returning them before being caught. This happened right up to my teenage years when I started experimenting with make up (got caught by mum but managed to just pass it off as a 'phase') and dressing more. I was buying my own clothes then purging so that I wasn't caught.

I had one relationship were my partner was accepting and happy for me to be Samantha at home but not in public, unfortunately this relationship did not work out for other reasons. In between relationships I would dress on and off and go out to friends houses or private party, and basically didn't mind who knew and this made me feel free and happy.

When I met my now wife she mentioned that she used to regularly go out in Sydney's Oxford Street (Mardi Gras area for those unaware) and had several gay and lesbian friends and had once dated a crossdresser. Because of this I thought she would be accepting of me but after 2-3 months of dating I decided that I should tell her about Samantha and she was shocked. We had many long conversations about it (this is when she told me that she split with her CD partner because of his dressing) and spoke about how often I did it, where I went etc and I was very truthful with everything I said. The final outcome though was that she asked if I wanted to continue dressing at that time and I said no because she didn't like it, but I didn't say that I would never do it again. 12 months later we were married and after 7 years we have two children.

Also, I should mentioned that we are moving overseas for her work, so technically I don't have to go, but I want to for my wife and children. I love them and don't want to be without them but I cant ignore the want to be Samantha again. I guess I am a bit confused by it all.

So after thinking about things today I have decided that I will make an appointment with a gender practitioner I know here in town and take it from there. I am not going to tell my wife yet but plan to meet with others in my area (including spouses) to get their point of view. I will also talk with my friends who I caught up with because I have know them for over 20 years so they will tell me straight.

That sounds like a sensible plan.
Good luck I wish you all the best.

Samantha,
I'm sorry to come back to the point of moving overseas, if you go will you have a job to go to, if not will you have to stay to remain in your job ? Otherwise to stay behind just to be Samantha and let your wife go with the children doesn't sound like a good thing to do considering your wife's acceptance, especially when she finished a previous relationship through CDing problems.
I would rely on a counsellor more to decide where you are on the gender road rather than the opinion of friends, it puts them in a difficult situation with your wife if things don't work out , whereas your wife may consider joint session with a counsellor to help you through this situation.
Now that you have children please consider their lives and how it will affect them before you let your CDing go too far, I'm afraid life does become a compromise and you have responsibilities now , I'm not saying it's easy because it isn't, I've been there like many others here !

That sounds like a great plan. I too faced this 2 and a half years ago. I started dressing after telling my wife that I sometimes wanted to be a woman. It lead to now being on HRT and scheduled SRS surgery for May12th. I say that so you can see the extreme way this can play out. I didn't know where I was going at the beginning. I had to go to therapy and decide to be rigorously honest.
As for my wife, it has worked out. But there was no way to know how it would work out. We have been through a perilous journey. We have been through so much. I hope that you determine who you really are. I hope your wife can give you that gift. If she does then you will need to give her the gift of deciding how she wants her life to look. That is also a hard gift to give.
There are so many variables that no one can tell you what to do. I urge you to decide whether you really want to know what the authentic you really looks like. If so then tell the truth. If not reconcile to yourself that you just can't bear to place your family at risk and try to let that fact see you through the difficult times. Either decision will be hard and that is just a fact. Good luck and if you decide to tell her and want help on this path we will be here.
Suzanne

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Originally Posted by Samantha Scott

Thanks for responding and giving feedback. Maybe I should explain a little further . . . When I met my now wife she mentioned that she used to regularly go out in Sydney's Oxford Street (Mardi Gras area for those unaware) and had several gay and lesbian friends and had once dated a crossdresser. Because of this I thought she would be accepting of me but after 2-3 months of dating I decided that I should tell her about Samantha and she was shocked. We had many long conversations about it (this is when she told me that she split with her CD partner because of his dressing) and spoke about how often I did it, where I went etc and I was very truthful with everything I said. The final outcome though was that she asked if I wanted to continue dressing at that time and I said no because she didn't like it, but I didn't say that I would never do it again . . . Also, I should mentioned that we are moving overseas for her work, so technically I don't have to go, but I want to for my wife and children. I love them and don't want to be without them but I cant ignore the want to be Samantha again. I guess I am a bit confused by it all.

So after thinking about things today I have decided that I will make an appointment with a gender practitioner I know here in town and take it from there. I am not going to tell my wife yet but plan to meet with others in my area (including spouses) to get their point of view. I will also talk with my friends who I caught up with because I have know them for over 20 years so they will tell me straight.

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Samantha,

This does change the dynamics of your situation a bit as I was under the impression you and your wife had never discussed this before. I still stick by my advice for you to see a gender therapist but the requirement to find out where you fall on the spectrum is even more pressing for a couple of reasons. Firstly, as your wife is being sent overseas for work you should determine your standing WRT Samantha well before that occurs. Secondly, even if you discover through therapy you not TS and that dressing up now and then is all you need (i.e., TG/CD) you need to discuss this with your wife well before the move. You made a promise some time ago. Specifically you said you would not dress again because she did not like it. At that point she didn't indicate it was okay on some level (at least that is not evidenced in your post) and she did have a failed relationship as a result of her last SO's CDing. This leads me to believe she is not fully accepting (perhaps on some level but not fully). So telling her at some point is a requirement and preferably before the big move overseas. IMHO if you don't and she finds out on her own, I am quite certain the outcome could be explosive.

Cheers

Marcelle

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Originally Posted by Kate T

Very simple answer. YES.

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If you are prepared for and can happily accept the worst possible outcome, then go ahead. Far too many people get stuck in the pink fog, tell all, and their life falls apart.

That said, good luck with whichever decision you come to. Either way, you're going to need it.

I've been on this forum nearly a year now, and the subject will keep coming up, and each time I ask myself "is it love"?

My first marriage was for the wrong reasons, I thought love would grow, it did not, though my amazing children did come from there. Luckily I met my soulmate for my second marriage and now it does not matter to her if i transition or continue to CD, she loves me, my soul, not my surface cloth, not my body; she love me and to my dying breath i will love her, and we've face death and come through. In regressions we discovered independently many shared past lives where we did not get to be together.

Why do I say this? In my world view, you met your wife to produce your children, new magical beings, and now it is time to face your truth, to discover if it's soul-mates or convenience mates. Tell the truth, for living lies murders the soul by slow degrees.

I hate the sneaking around for the last thirty years playing dress up.

It's been great being able to stick my foot out the door in this forum.

Well today I said to my wife "since you won't dress up for me how about I wear a dress?" she said if you put on a dress it better be when I'm not around.

Well I'm going to leave it at that for now. Bummer!

This isn't right ,OR is it?
Well, I'll let you know after tomorrows (PLAY TIME) LOL

Samantha,

I feel for you. I'm in a DADT relationship and it is a definite compromise. She let's me do a few things and knows which drawers to stay out of. I have mitigated what she knows about my actual activity, but it's a compromise to protect our relationship. If she finds out more, I'll deal with it then and reiterate that I won't do it around her.

I've been through 2 divorces. Think really hard about what's most important to you, because when she's driving away with your kids you're not going to want to dress so much. When you're all dressed up, sitting around missing your family, you're going to have a tough time with your decision.

You should definitely get some professional help, but sometimes they don't help as much as you would like.

Your wife was pretty explicit about how she feels, so it's most likely going to be a real problem.

Sometimes it's better to suffer alone than blow the hell out of your life. Many here will disagree with me, but once your family is gone, it's too late to undo the damage. You may not realize how bad it would be. Imagine your wife with another man in your house, connecting with your kids and sleeping in your bed while you enjoy being dressed up, alone, watching TV but missing your family.

Only you know your wife and how much she can take. Be very careful about how much you divulge at one time. I broke mine in over years. Maybe not right, but if I had completely opened up her head would have exploded.

Good luck and I hope the best for you and your family.

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Originally Posted by Samantha Scott

For a long time now I have been thinking about being true to myself and letting my family know about my desire to crossdress (and maybe transition). .........

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Stop right there!

There is a very, very big difference between crossdressing and transitioning. Very, very big. Before you ask any more questions about telling your wife you need to figure out which of these you are talking about.

"Crossdressing" is just a hobby or fetish. A crossdresser is still a man, husband, father, etc. He just likes to wear women's clothing from time to time. He still has a normal relationship with his wife, family friends, career, etc.

"Transitioning" is very different. How many wives are willing to go through with that? Lose the sexual part of the marriage? Be married to another woman and considered a lesbian? Explain all this to family and friends.

How about your career? Will you be able to continue as a transsexual woman or will you have to start all over, possibly in a different field?

Transitioning is going to be the biggest and most difficult thing you will ever do in your life. You need to understand what it is you want and what it's going to take before you consider telling your wife.

That does sound complicated, Samantha, and I wish you all the best. I will share that in my experience the longer I am in a position where I can't dress, then the more I think I want to dress, go on HRT, transition, and go out and the like. Having the luxury of being able to dress regularly at the second home keeps me honest with myself -- that is I am complete and fulfilled by dressing at home and having my wife's support. I do not need/want to transition or go out.