Any tips or suggestions for how you came to accept yourself as a crossdresser? Most days I think to myself who cares what other people think, but sometimes it can be hard to do that. How did you learn to deal with those feelings?
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Any tips or suggestions for how you came to accept yourself as a crossdresser? Most days I think to myself who cares what other people think, but sometimes it can be hard to do that. How did you learn to deal with those feelings?
I found reading this forum and telling my SO have allowed me to accept myself -- after 40 odd years of not accepting.
I found it really powerful to know that I am not alone and that ppl who try to stop generally can't. Made me realise that you may as well accept yourself.
Ashley
I also found this forum has helped a lot with my acceptance of myself. Also, the self realization that I'm not hurting anyone.
The Internet and this forum in particular have greatly aided in my self acceptance. Also, when I hit 60 and realized that soon I would be running out of birthdays, I decided that I was not only going to "accept" my dressing but rather fully embrace it and enjoy it. Life is short....way too short for guilt and regrets.
Step 1:self acceptance came after lots of meditation, self reflection. Eventually decided i was ok, i was loveable.
Step 2: being honest with my wife when i met her, early early on, because i couldn't bare to live in a partial relationship, and be fully accepted, fully loved.
I don't need the world to embrace me, just one good heart
Reading the forum, prayer, telling my family and a few close female friends, being out in public - none of these things came with negative consequences so eventually I accepted it was okay for me to be me
This site helped greatly, but it was during a very bad time in my life when I reached out for help from so called friends and even family and government agencies and was graciously denied or kindly forgotten about, that's when I decided I was going to be me no matter what anyone thinks or says. They don't pay my bills or my way through life so why should I care what they think, it took a long time to find me and be happy and now I am. Like I stated this site with all the support and similarities let me know I was normal and that nothing was wrong with me as far as CDing goes and opened my eyes to my Gender Fluidity. I guess the caffeine is kicking in so I'll stop now, I hope I helped you.
I couldn't have written a better response. Thanks Leigh.Quote:
Originally Posted by Leighcdmd
Time flies, in the blink of an eye there's more in the rear view mirror than looking ahead.
I simply became so tired of the guilt, the purging, the hiding.
One day I asked myself WHY? Why am I so ashamed of being ME ??
I decided that it wasn't up to me to conform to the societal norm, it was up to everyone else to accept me as the person I am. Was I a good husband? Was I a good son? Was I a good friend? Was I a good employee?
I answered YES !! Yes I am !!
So if I am all these GOOD things then how can this one aspect of ME be so detrimental that everyone would shun me because of it ??
If all I have done that is good and all I have meant to those around me can be destroyed by this then it must be a flaw in their logic, in their view of right and wrong. It is not a flaw in ME !!
I also thought about our vows. If they don't mean what we said then it's not because of this.
If I lose a friendship then it's not because of this but because the friendship wasn't real, only superficial.
In a world where everyone is different how is this difference so disastrous?? IT ISN'T !! It's just different. And there are Millions of us to prove that.
Be happy with yourself, be a good person, loving husband, staunch friend and live your life with your head held high, not buried in the sand.
That has had a big impact on me as well. I need to be able to live my life to the fullest and have no regrets.Quote:
Originally Posted by Leighcdmd
It's simple pragmatism. I am what I am.
I agree with what everyone is saying. Finding forums like this one, or for me it was Reddit, helped really get my mind in a better place. That actually lead to me telling my wife even though I'm not in femme mode around her, I've never been happier with who I am. Also, realizing where the negativity comes from. Are you having a hard time accepting yourself because of your own feelings or because that's what society was conditioned you to think?
47 years of struggling, with loving certain womens clothes, , and society, and especially the church saying it is perversion and deviancy, abomination, with the grief of being male, with no girlfriend, or wife. I would rather have been born without this trait, to be honest, but i have not been able to permanently stop. I have talked with a therapist, who says it is ok, and some church friends, who do not understand why a man would wear womens clothes, even a gay friend does not get it! All say i need to stop and over com e it with God's help. Acceptance that I have a strong desire to crossdress now and them (a fairly small percentage of the time), I am close to now. I know damned well, that i am narcissistic, and self centered even WITHOUT the dressing! But, i am a helpful, concerned old single, who helps animals, and people in need, too, even though I am a loner, and help my 95 yo difficult father, lifting him to the toilet, and into his wheelchair, and into bed, too. I only hope the the Higher Power will look on the good, and not just on other things, in the next world. My dressing is artistic expression, and part sexual, i admit. But, it is not good for man to be alone his whole life, with no helpmate, and guys have a tough tome being alone their whole lives, even with no dressing. I accept that i am a transvestite part time, but would have been happier if i would never had this pull,
I wish I could give you a good formula but there just isn't one but it took me 40 years to finally accept myself.
I wish I had better advice
I'm in the wake-up-call-at-60 crowd too. So that may be part one of your answer -- turn 60. ;) However, if you're smarter than I was then you can accept yourself earlier and have more time to enjoy the benefits. Keep in mind accepting yourself carries no other requirements -- you don't have to be "out;" you don't have to transition. You just have to accept that you have a need to crossdress, that the need is OK to have and then figure out what you need to do to accommodate that and do it. You only have to accept yourself, you don't have to change the world. Don't exchange one stress for another. Relieve the stress of resisting your own true nature and you'll be fine. Anything else will follow from that.
Fly,
I've just checked your age and all I can say is be patient because it takes time !
Yes it can be a rollercoaster ride, some days you could tell the World and other times you feel ashamed and guilty, I hate to say this but I've hit my sixties before I can say I'm OK with it, I've also found that it's still not too late to come to terms with it and enjoy it.
You are going to have to desensitize yourself to the negative feelings and thoughts that arise from a behavior that is not widely accepted by our culture at large, but which is quite common and otherwise harmless.
Spend time in comfortable, sensuous clothing while doing mundane things: watching the news, cooking a meal, balancing your check book, etc. Make room for this to no big deal....don't be rushed, and don't let it feel like you "must" or "have" to do it.
In those same clothes, spend some time in quiet meditation. Let your thoughts wander and then let those same thoughts settle down and clear away. Do this 5 or 10 minutes at a time, several times a week, and see if you can get it up to 20 minutes a day or every other day.
Get some books with a positive view of crossdressing and read them. Find some movies or documentaries with a similarly positive perspective and watch them too.
Strike up some friendships with people here or forums like this. Get to know them, and listen to their experiences with this.
Join a support group. When you are ready, attend a meeting. You don't have to be dressed up to come to one.
We can't choose our family, but we can choose our friends. Make sure you have at least 2 friends who are open to this aspect of you, and are nonjudgmental.
Acceptance follows as a natural consequence of actions. Actions such as these make it possible to be who you are.
Chris
First you have to like yourself as a person, no matter what you may be into, and not worry about what other people may think if they have no effect on your life .
Some people even though they may do nothing that society may seem as strange or undesirable, still do not like themselves very much for whatever reason(s).
Personally, I have always liked my self almost to a fault.
Admittedly, I have tiny bit of Sheldon Cooper in me . ;)
I've been riding the cross-dressing "roller coaster" for fifty years. I still love it.
Can't wait for the next ride in a new dress.
It's hard at times to accept yourself at first. Trying to figure out what and where you fit. Especially when you have hid from yourself and others, denying yourself. So really in some words of a famous person, "if you can't love yourself, then how can you love someone else?" That's step one, love yourself, understand yourself. Then the rest kinda just falls into place.
In the beginning, there was therapy that helped me better understand myself.
Then, there was a makeover or two (OK, two) that chowed me that I could be very pretty with the right makeup and pretty feminine with the right clothes.
Then, I found out I wasn't alone in this. I met some wonderful people and made some great friends in the local area.
Then some more therapy to accept myself along with some couple's sessions that allowed my wifw to tolerate my CDing.
Then I went to the Keystone Conference, I found out that there were hundreds of others like me.
At one Keystone Conference, I met a local CD with an accepting wife, who became a very good friend.
The three of us now go out together in the real world quite a lot, and the muggles don't notice or don't care about us, and certainly don't harass us.
And lastly, I made friends with a number of GGs who either help me shop, or help me look beautiful.
And crossdressing is now so much fun.
For me I'd say punching the grim reaper square in the face a few times helps (so far at least, the dude folds like lawn furniture 😕 )
This forum is awesome as well. I find inspiration in the girl v. guy thread...appears you CAN be a macho guy and a hot chic at the same time...ok, not like litteraly at the same time, shaving 'n stuff takes some time and all th....ah you know what I mean! 😉
I came to self-acceptance over 40 years ago. I realized I was not and could never be any kind of a man. And worked to fix what needed to be fixed.
I do admire those that dress and can straddle that fine line, and accept themselves.
Fly,
That's an excellent question. I've always had an effeminate side which despite my best efforts would show through while I was growing up. And that led to a lot of bullying which certainly didn't help my self-esteem. But when I became a young adult I realized that I am who I am and whose to tell me who I am and to judge me for just being myself. I didn't design myself and my gender-fluid mindedness. I appreciate the diversity and uniqueness of this world and I know I'm a better person because of my feminine side. I'm so far from perfect but I'd be worse if it wasn't for the empathy I have from my feminine side. Also, it greatly helps that my wife accepts me unconditionally and says everyone has something special about themselves that others may not understand or accept. Nikki
hi Fly and welcome,
That's a $64,000 question, and it covers a lot more than just feeling ok about crossdressing. A positive self image, self esteem, self confidence- these things are worth more than gold, and they can't easily be learned. But they can be earned, by living your own truth, by being honest with yourself. But even being honest with yourself requires confidence, and many of us are raised to ignore or repress our feelings, to modify our thoughts and deeds to suit the herd's preferences.
You're right when you aim not to care what others think, but there's a fine line between being true to yourself and being anti-social, and if you want to get along with folks obviously you have to learn not to push too hard. I speak as one who has often pushed pretty hard :)
Interesting. Seems like turning 60 is a big help. Hopefully I can get there before then. :)
So far the biggest thing that has helped me (and what pushed me to join this forum) was a supervisor in a different department coming out as TG at work. I've never worked with her or talked with her, but I was very impressed. It made me think to myself that if she can do that I should be able to come to terms with my dressing. I wonder how many other people she has helped without knowing it.
I've spent many years searching for answers, but this forum has helped me accept who I am. I've come to terms that I am what I am and nothing is go to change that.
I totally hope you do too. I can't tell you how much I wish I had learned to accept myself in my 20's.Quote:
Originally Posted by fly2188
I think the key to the 60 thing is that at that age some of us feel like our dues is fully paid up, we can see the end of the runway approaching and we realize we can't go to our graves without taking this hidden part of us out for a walk in the light. I regret nothing about my life, but I get a bit wistful thinking of happiness deferred.
Problems with self-acceptance result from our fear of embarrassment, rejection, or worse. While most people who see us in public just ignore us, they still snicker (who cares) or tell their friends, "Guess what I saw today." While I would love to really not give a damn what anybody thinks, the truth is I do. It doesn't stop me from dressing. But any guilt or shame that we might feel all comes from other people's projections....On the other hand, none of those of who do actually hate us or would ridicule us would never have the courage to do what we do. Anyone outside the "norm" in any way faces misunderstanding and negative reaction...Love yourself, doll. No one else is going to.
Adrienner, You have said it well!
perhaps not from me.
I crossdress a lot, and I thought I was okay with it, but a number of people have told me I need to do the same- so i do think I have some aspect of not quite getting it.
All I can say is consider what everyone responds with- great question, and a plethora of good advice.
Not something that happened over night, This was along process that took a lot of years.
Coming out to my wife and family, and their acceptance has been a huge help.
And the fact that I am getting older in years and don't really care what people think anymore.
All these things have made me grow to accept myself more.
I've been riding the cross-dressing "roller coaster" for fifty years. I still love it.
Can't wait for the next ride in a new dress.
Even though I don't have 50 years of experience I really like this quote. I too went through a long period of struggling with the CD desire but finally in the end result came to the conclusion that only by dressing up would my life be complete. I loved it when I started and love it just as much now. There is no use fighting this inclination. On this list there are so many postings about the dilemma of cross dressing but it seems that most people at some point, like me, accept it and life becomes complete. It's a way of life that is an integral part of me and I realize I just had to accept it.
I guess for me "the moment" was meeting other CD'ers in the flesh for the first time. Even walking into the meeting I was full of doubts but sitting and chatting just as anyone else would who was out on a social evening made me realise that what I enjoyed doing wasn't strange or abnormal. It was something I shouldn't be ashamed or afraid of.
If you're read any previous posts of mine you'll know I'm deeply in the closet so it seems sort of a contradiction that I'm content with myself but not willing to share with those close to me. But here's the point; I'm content with me. That doesn't mean others will be, so I'm not willing to risk exposure.
Perhaps you need to separate how you feel about yourself from how you feel the world views you?
I have successfully quit most of my "bad" habits but not this one which was so "deep in", after countless cycle of purging, I am still unable to reconcile with my true self. Sometime I tell myself to be happy, just live and enjoy life the fullest but at times the worry of being discovered by love ones can be very stressful and daunting. Not sure how much more time I need to get this through and accept myself.:sad:
I still care what others think and show compassion to those that have trouble with my dressing.
This usually happens at parties and if you show interest towards those that appear threatened, by the end of the night you can be friends, or at least conversationalists.
I have this problem too. I acknowledge what I am, but have trouble making peace with it. It's hard to accept one's self when family and society at large don't. I see our situation like this. The feminine side of my gender is just as much a part of me as brown eyes. Imagine if society suddenly decided that brown eyes were taboo, and people with brown eyes had to wear dark glasses to hide them all the time. You could only remove those glasses when alone. Otherwise you'd be subject to ridicule and discrimination, and sometimes even be physically assaulted for exposing your brown eyes. So most of the time you'd be seeing a dim vision of the world... less colorful, less alive.Quote:
Originally Posted by michellechong
We CD'ers are asked to see the world through dark glasses. We must keep our true selves hidden. We are led to believe that an integral part of our personality must be shielded from others lest they be offended, that something is "wrong" with us because of our "brown eyes". Some do find the courage to take the glasses off, and not care what society thinks. I think they are farther along the road to self-acceptance than I am and their courage I believe is paving the way for those less courageous like myself and I salute them for their courage.
When I am alone in the day and can take off the dark glasses and see the world in full color, it's marvelous. But when evening comes and I have to put the dark glasses back on, it's depressing. Nothing makes me feel more content than dressing in the morning, and nothing makes me feel more shame than having to take it all off and hide all traces in the evening.
I was thinking about my response and then saw that Cheryl T wrote it for me. So yeah, what she said.
It's just the way we are. It's no different than being born blonde vs. redhead.
While I think we need to ultimately be at peace with ourselves, we also need to give ourselves a little break with acceptance. By that I mean, that it is difficult to accept ourselves as such a small minority.... 2 to 3%, maybe a little more, a true number of us is really hard to be certain of. And not simply being in such a small minority, but one that often has negative society issues besides. It's ok to have difficulty with being somewhere on the TG spectrum. Don't beat yourself up because accepting yourself for such a situation is not easy.Quote:
Originally Posted by michellechong
Honestly, it comes with time. The more I did it, the more I came to understand that there's nothing really wrong with me or what I do. Having an accepting girlfriend who pushed me to explore this side of myself also helped.
I don't feel like I know anything about myself to be perfectly honest.
Ending the masquerade of overcompensating on the outside because i knew who i was on the inside, letting the kind, happy loving person come out and become more of my full time personality that others encounter has benefitted me in countless ways. The quality and quantity of friends aquired the past few years in contrast to the stereotypes that I grew up with and perpetrated myself because I was "programmed" from birth that men were "this or that" and masculinity was not to be questioned (my eyes tear up when I think of so many years wasted being that way). I mean I lived in Europe as a young adult after "escaping" my parents, and learned first hand that there is so much in this world to see and do and interesting people to meet, yet chose to wear blinders most of my life. Its like a form of self inflicted punishment. I'm happy all the time now and my face reflects that with the cheerful response i get back when saying hello to strangers every day. By accepting myself and being comfortable with who i am seems to flood over to others. Life is great! Negativity builds walls, a confident smile brings warmth.
AND LEARN TO DANCE !!!