Crossdresser or more?? Confused

So I've been crossdressing since 4 years old, most of my life it's been a very deep hidden secret. When I was 33 I divorced. My wife had been having an affair for 6 years. She attributes her affair to my crossdressing. Anyways I met the most amazing and accepting women who made me feel okay to be me :) I now crossdress probably 75% of the time. Since I've been doing it so much I feel much more comfortable with it and care less about what people think. I don't pass well though, and I'm in the closet with most family and work. Lately I've been obsessed with mtf transition videos on youtube. It amazes me what hormones do, and I desperately long to be more feminine. I read a lot about how they knew they were women their whole lives though, and I don't remember feeling that way ever. Maybe the last year or so I have been feeling like that, but the thought of transition is scary. How do you know, it's scary but also an exciting idea. Those videos are so inspirational. Thanks for any help.

This stuff can get pretty confusing and stuff can get buried pretty deep. We hide parts of ourselves... Sometimes for most of our lives and we forget what we buried... The face we put forth to the world is our new normal as it was for me.. But these things don't go away.... You might want to consider finding a local WPATH therapist and start looking at this stuff a bit more deeply... By posting this thread, you obviously want to know more about what is going on inside and the therapist is a great place to start the journey!... I wish you well!!!... Self exploration... The last frontier!!!

Take Care

Ashley :)

Hey, Rustifer

I feel your pain and am in the same boat--though I don't dress nearly as often because of family and work. How lucky are you to have a supportive SO! My wife is partially supportive, for which I am grateful, but I'm hoping for more. I too am fascinated with the idea that HRT could help soften my features, and make my body slightly more feminine, without making the full leap to transition. Check out the transtimelines and transpassing subreddits on Reddit; there are many inspirational examples there.

I'm focused right now on losing weight to look better in a dress; after that, who knows what will follow!

I see you are new here, so welcome to the forum.

Gretchen

Rustifer,
The truth is transition isn't as easy as that and it doesn't happen overnight. It is mostly scary because it will turn most peoples lives up side down, where does the excitement come from , looking that good ? It happens to very few most have to put their lives back together and hope they still have family and friends with them. I suggest you read some stories in the TS section to get a real picture of what it really means.

Also take Youtube with a pinch of salt, not all the stuff on it is real, some are having a big laugh at your expense, so don't be fooled by it all.

One of the main requirements prior to transitioning is living and working as a woman for 1-2 years depending on who you talk to. This way you know if you are comfortable with it.:)

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Originally Posted by rustifer

I read a lot about how they knew they were women their whole lives though, and I don't remember feeling that way ever. Maybe the last year or so I have been feeling like that. How do you know.

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Hi Rustifer... Sorry for chopping up some of your post but those were the three things I wanted to address.
So about knowing they were a woman their whole life. I think every transwoman has her own epiphany story but most that I have read seem to have known from an early age that they were different from other boys in some even if they couldn't articulate it accurately.

"Maybe" the last year you've felt like that. Hon, perhaps talking to a gender therapist is in your future but if over a year's time you're using the word "maybe".... well, I'm thinking no, you're not a woman. You're just deep in the pink fog.

And as to your "how do you know" question. I think it's like asking how do you know you like the color blue? How do you know if you're in love? You just know dear. You just know.

Asks question about transition, 80% of responses come from people with no experience in the area. If you grow more interested in understanding transition in the future, you may get better responses in the TS forum.

rustifer, I will echo what Ashley said... If you are seriously considering transition, get thee to a qualified gender therapist. The real business of transition is, ultimately, not about looking or dressing more conventionally feminine. It's about understanding who you really are, and learning to be YOU. When you understand and accept who and what you are, what you need to do about it will be a lot clearer. If you really need to transition, then when you get there it won't feel so much like a decision.

Right now, you are focusing and obsessing on surface details - mostly the possible results of medical transition. That can be enticing, but I would recommend that you not think about transition right now or in those terms. Focus on yourself and who you really are. Transition may be the result of that process, or it may not. Either way, it's not the beginning.

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Originally Posted by Kate Simmons

One of the main requirements prior to transitioning is living and working as a woman for 1-2 years depending on who you talk to. This way you know if you are comfortable with it.:)

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Where did you hear that, or in what country? Certainly not in the U.S.A. Or Canada.

Kate wrote:

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One of the main requirements prior to transitioning is living and working as a woman for 1-2 years depending on who you talk to. This way you know if you are comfortable with it.

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then Paula:

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Where did you hear that, or in what country? Certainly not in the U.S.A. Or Canada.

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That used to be in the Benjamin recommendations, though I cannot remember if it included hormone therapy before or during the 'real life test'. I haven't read up on them in a long time, But the RLT test always used to be mandatory before SRS at least. What are the current recommendations, Paula?

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Originally Posted by rustifer

How do you know, it's scary but also an exciting idea. .

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If it's exciting, perhaps there's something else going on other than being transsexual; excitement isn't a word I remember reading when discussing potential transitioning. You'd have to check with the TS women here as far as what they felt, and see if it corresponds to anything.

How do you know. Hmm....the million dollar question here. If you think you are TS, perhaps you might want to consult a therapist that specializes in gender issues. Don't bother with all the quizzes online, most of them are skewed rather openly to enable someone to answer in a particular way in order to get the result that they want; as such, they're useless other than as a means to feel better about the choice you've already made. One thing that helped me, were books by Barbara and Allan Pease, which give lots of examples of how men and women differ in how we behave, communicate, and how we see and experience the world around us. And while it's not definitive (there are women who fit into the male category, as well as men who fit into the female descriptions), for the most part it will give you some idea of how much you 'fit' into the world of either gender. All this will help you when you do speak with a therapist, and will save time because you've already thought about a lot of things that you'll discuss further.

In any case, welcome to the forum, and remember, this is not a replacement for seeking out a genuine gender specializing therapist.

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Originally Posted by rustifer

Lately I've been obsessed with mtf transition videos on youtube. It amazes me what hormones do, and I desperately long to be more feminine.

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I think watching MtF transition videos on YouTube is about the worst thing you can do when trying to discover your true gender identity. :)

As Zooey said, you should focus less on the transition itself and more on discovering who you really are. Working with a gender therapist will help guide you to the answers you're looking for.

I also recommend a book by gender therapist Dara Hoffman-Fox called "You and Your Gender Identity: A Guide to Discovery". Dara has a really good way of helping you discover your true self, and the book is a compilation of her work, in a sense.

Paula,
If you go the NHS route in the UK that is the norm, I'm not sure if private clinics would advise any shorter period than that .I meet up with a TS at my meetings and she is about to start full time dressing, she getting on OK but some of her clients are a little unsure about her appearance , she know it's going to be a tough road, as she has also left her marital home.

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Originally Posted by Mirya

I think watching MtF transition videos on YouTube is about the worst thing you can do when trying to discover your true gender identity.

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I sort of disagree with that. It's not that you're going to get wrong information, but that everyone's opinion and experience is worth something. You never know what little piece of knowledge will help you towards the answer of who you are, regarding your self identification of gender.

Watching "transition timeline" videos is not at all helpful. They show you the easy stuff, and none of the hard stuff. Hormones, etc. - it can be very physically, mentally, and emotionally challenging, but it ultimately pales in scope to the incredible act of tearing down large parts of a life and rebuilding a new one in its place.

If you want to watch some transition-related videos that might offer you some information, here's an example of something very real.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hoq7Vki-TWo

She's no longer with us. She committed suicide 9 months after this video was published.

The therapy route can help, and yet you've probably answered yourself: "desperately long", "scary but exciting". It's not fair to say "you just know", because it is true, eventually you do, but first you have to clear out all the life baggage so your knowing is crystal clear.

Whatever life pains are thrown at you, the pain of not living true to yourself goes deeper.

xxx Pam

When I was in my, what am I what do I do next, stage I considered SRS. But, one of the things that helped me realize I am simply a CD was when I thot about living as a female. No way would I ever be able to do that.

I think if u aren't ready to come out to everyone and live life as a female, u can stop thinking about transitioning. I have!

Teresa- Yes, I've heard that in UK they insist on a real life test, and I've heard that in Aus. they want it before even prescribing hormones. All I can say is barbaric. Why not a little blood letting, and an exorcism first?

Almost all Drs. in the U.S. and Canada have abandoned Dr. H. Benjamin standards. Those that adhere to it are usually not well versed in trans care, and think they are going by the book. Hormones can be prescribed by a G.P. at any time, or by informed consent, or with the okay by a therapist. It is up to the individual doctor. My endocrinologist, who deals extensively with trans patients, asked me to see a therapist for one hour. I'm sure if I had been much younger he may have asked for more.
In Canada, real life test for SRS has been abondonned, once again, it is up to a therapist to determine who is ready. The Asian surgeons MAY ask for RLE, but once again, it is determined after looking at psych reports.

Bottom line- The worlds Doctors are slowly coming to the realization that transgender treatment is not the voodoo they thought it was even ten years ago.

Rustifer- Being obsessed by the feminizing effects of hormones is the LAST reason to take them. If you are that concerned with the external, you are probably a crossdresser.

Hello,

You have already received a lot of good advice from those who have travelled/are travelling the path you are contemplating so I can only echo what they have said. For me the "gender therapist" was key because I was where you are now 3 years ago and it was through my therapist that I came to understand the bigger picture. As Zooey and others have said, don't get fixated on the superficial as now is the time to dig deep and determine who you are and where you need to be. Deciding to transition is not a step to take lightly and while some come out relatively unscathed, others not so much. You have to be comfortable with who you need to be . . . if it is just dressing as a woman on occasion and feeling good . . . then so be it. If it is about being a woman then you have to be comfortable in your own skin first.

Cheers

Marcelle

Thank you all for the advice and wisdom. I am going to follow the advice above and dig deeper, seek a therapist and continue to research. I guess what I found interesting about the mtf transition videos was how manly some of them were and how feminine they became. I always thought their was no way I could ever be anything more than a man in a dress, and the snickers and comments are tough to deal with. I'm getting better at not letting it bother me, but it changes day to day. Anyways this isn't something I'm taking lightly, I feel like when I said it was exciting, what I meant was in my head I had already decided that I am a crossdresser, that that is as far as I could go. My muscles and tattoo's would forever mark me as male. Then I realized that I could be a woman and it was a whole new thought that I never even allowed myself to think. So now it is they journey of discovery.

If that cleared a barrier that would have prevented you from learning more about yourself, then it's a good thing.

Now the hard stuff starts... Try to avoid any preconceived notions of what the right answers for you could be. Let discovery happen, and good luck.

I am no expert in transitioning, but reading your words, I notice "I don't pass well though" and "It amazes me what hormones do, and I desperately long to be more feminine." and "I don't remember feeling that way ever. "
That I do understand. I was able to make the needed magic with a good wig and makeup. Why not try a professional makeover and photoshoot to see how feminine they can make you appear. It make be just what the doctor ordered!
Hugs, Ellen

Thanks Closeted, I'll give that a shot. At the very least it will be a blast. And maybe that's it for me, just a regular cross dresser and nothing more. The thing I can relate to with ts is not being happy with my body. I don't like the muscles, hair and everything I longed for whe trying to fit the male mode I thought I needed to. I want to be soft, thin, feminine :( and I relate to the trans stories I've heard about overcompensation. I took steroids and got to 5'9" 235lb with an 8 pack, but I hated how I looked. I still have some of that muscular shape and it looks ridiculous enfem. But still, however long the journey I need to be sure. My wife is so accepting and encourages me to explore. :)

I recall it was a Forum member, Kelly Jameson, who got to the heart of the matter:
"It must be a truth-based relationship you have with yourself with no room for fantasy or delusion or you will destroy yourself."
IMO most of the above posts are "maybe" or "sometime in the future" --- and are focused on physical transition --- not needed and not necessary!
Julie

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Originally Posted by Julie Gaum

"It must be a truth-based relationship you have with yourself with no room for fantasy or delusion or you will destroy yourself."

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Wise words!!!! It can take a lot of exploration to find out what your truth is... It is there at your core but we place a lot of layers on top of our core to protect what lies within...

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The RLE requirements are from older DSM manuals and previous WPATH standards. Those who enforce them still, are running behind the current thoughts.

One very key thing to remember is that if you transition, you may look as masculine as you do now. There is no magic fairy dust and HRT is a crap shoot. Don't ever look at videos and assume you are going to be a knockout because of HRT and maybe surgery. It is a very difficult thing some deal with as they are heavily discriminated against and misgendered because they still carry features that are attributed to being masculine. Do not ever base a transition decision on how your looks will end up like. That is a recipe for disaster. Base it on being congruent with how you feel on the inside.

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Originally Posted by Julie Gaum

I recall it was a Forum member, Kelly Jameson, who got to the heart of the matter

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It seems a pleasant coincidence that you mention this, as it was Kelly's posts which 'brought' me here!

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Originally Posted by rustifer

It amazes me what hormones do...

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In regard to MtFs, my observation is that in some it's amazing what hormones can do. Though not exclusively, it seems in general to be younger women who experience the most profound aesthetic effects from them. Re myself, I knew from the outset I was going to need FFS to look sufficiently femme and though a miracle may still happen, it's looking more and more like I will need breast augmentation if I'm to enjoy even a modest bust. I must say, I'd hoped, even presumed, hormones were going to take care of the latter!

I think Kate Simmonds has a very good suggestion:

"One of the main requirements prior to transitioning is living and working as a woman for 1-2 years depending on who you talk to. This way you know if you are comfortable with it."

Before doing anything drastic, you should spend a couple of years en femme every day. Some CDs are quite happy about being males and some feel they are trapped in a male body. The videos on youtube might also help. In the end result, you hae to test yourself to see if this is really what you want. You cannot analyze this, but give it a good dry run and see what happens.
The Transmasculine Forum might help. You could meet people innthe same position.

I wish you all the best.