I told my GF

I am back, A couple months ago I came here asking for advice on telling my girlfriend. I told her. She directly said "Its me or the cross dressing" even after I told her she didnt need to have any part of it. I know it must have been extremely hard for her to hear and her reaction is somewhat understandable but I dont know how I feel about it. I have told her and she knew how much I trust her and how much I love her, I am kind of surprised how she could easily just up and leave over this. Im baffled to say this least and extremely hurt.

Ultimately I told her I would try and stop but after years of dressing and purging I dont know if I can. What should I do? What would you do? I love her and want to be with her but cross dressing is also a part of my life. This is such a horrible situation to be in.

I think the answer is simple. You will not and can not "quit." It's unrealistic to think you can ignore this part of
you. Your only answer can be," I love you but this is part of me."

I agree with Jennifer, Ether she loves you, all of you, or she does not.
If you think you will be able to quit, think again, Dressing is part of you,
It does not go away like having a cold.
If you give it up, (dressing) and stay with her, later on when you try to
return to dressing, there will be some anger issues for sure. I am sure you
do not want to go through life being miserable. Life is to short for you to
be like that for the rest of your life.
Maybe it was a good thing you found out now; at least you can start looking
for someone else.
It took me 15 years to find the rite girl, and she was OK with my dressing.
Life is so much happier when your SO is OK with your Dressing.
Rader

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Originally Posted by Jessicaa

I am kind of surprised how she could easily just up and leave over this.

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That's what I was thinking. If she truly loves you as you say you do her, then why wouldn't she at least want to "learn more about what makes her partner tick". But to be fair, I think that most women's initial reactions are based upon their upbringing, sense of values, religious beliefs, attitude and tolerance to others etc etc. It could be that is is ok with CDing (if it's not in her back yard) but emotionally she might not be ready to have this in her life (yet). Talk more with her and be patient, maybe things will improve over time. Here's a couple of links to older threads that might help.

How to tell your partner
Accepting GGs, what makes us different?

You're surprised? Really? You've at best been keeping a huge secret from her and at worst lying outright. Most women don't want a man in a dress. Some do.

Then again she is just a girlfriend and not a spouse.

It sounds like a tough situation. I'm not about to say that she's wrong because her feelings are her feelings. I do however find it concerning that she flat out gave you the ultimatum right off the bat. Not sure how much discussion took place before she came to that but from the tone of your post it doesn't sound like much. You might be more invested in this relationship than she is. You need to find your own happiness. If that's going to be your GF or if that's going to be your dressing, you're the only one who can tell. I know that there may be a tendency to try to hold onto your "safe" relationship because "who would want to date a crossdresser?" Right? But let me tell you that the world is a very different place than it was 20 years ago. If you look through these forums you'll see A ton of stories of accepting and supportive (or at least DADT ok) SOs. So don't feel like she's your only chance for a relationship. Here's to hoping you both find your Way.

Time for both of you to evaluate what this relationship means to each of you.
And CDing? Harmless compared to things that some others are into.
And at least you had the honesty to admit this side of you. Even though it took time.

Hi Jessica:hugs:, Her leaving is probably for the best as neither one of you will change...:daydreaming:...

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Originally Posted by Jenniferathome

I think the answer is simple. You will not and can not "quit." It's unrealistic to think you can ignore this part of
you. Your only answer can be," I love you but this is part of me."

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Exactly it!
Not something one can just up and quit by choice.
:)

This is going to be an unpopular opinion but I honestly believe that you can not expect a woman who is your girlfriend or wife to be supportive. There are some CDs and transwomen who have accepting and supportive wives/girlfriends but this is not the norm and therefore should not be expected. They are outliers and those who have supportive wives/girlfriends should consider themselves lucky.

I do not blame women at all for not being accepting of their SOs crossdressing or being transgender. They are not bigots for not being accepting. They have every right to have preferences. The fact of the matter is that for the most part, women are attracted to masculinity and strength, and men are attracted to femininity and beauty. This is basic biology and its been this way since the caveman days. Women were attracted to the strongest men so they could carry their genes and ensure the most likely survival for their offspring. Women were not attracted to weaker men because they didn't want their seed, as they would be less likely to successfully protect the home. Crossdressing is the opposite of masculinity, so the average woman is going to be turned off by it because they are biologically programmed to do so after generations and generations of evolution. I am not trying to say crossdressing equals weakness, I am just saying that is how the average woman will view it.

If I had a girlfriend or wife and she began to be masculine, like cut her hair ultra short and lift weights to build muscle and wear male clothes and act like a man, I sure as hell would be offput and turned off by it. I wouldn't be OK with it. Because it is my right to have preferences. I am attracted to femininity, so I would put my foot down. I shouldn't be forced or guilt shamed into accepting it. So why should we expect anything different when it comes to wives/girlfriends?

With that being said, even though the odds are against you, you should never keep it a secret from any woman you plan on getting serious with. Do not use likely rejection as a reason to keep it a secret. Something this big needs to be out in the open. It's wrong to keep it a secret. Be open and let the chips fall where they may. I myself am never getting married, so its not something I have to worry about. Crossdressing isn't the reason I plan on not getting married, but I know crossdressing is a part of me that won't go away so even if I were to change my mind, I'd be open about it from the very beginning.

My situation was similar to yours. I had no idea that I was a crossdresser but knew I wore panties sometimes. I told I was interested in wearing women's clothes and she told me there was only room for one woman in our relationship. I held back and only wore panties 3 times in our 34+ year marriage. When the pink fog hit, it was like a tornado! You on the other hand already know what is going on and seem to be further along than I was. As the others say it does not go away and comes back really hard!! There seems to be many more ladies out there who are accepting than in years gone by. Best wishes going forward. Hugs Lana Mae

Suppose she said, "honey I love 90 percent of you, but if you want to be with me, that left arm has to go" would you feel better about just walking away? It's very much the same thing, really. As old folks always say to young folks, there's someone out there for you; you'll know when she comes along. Be honest; be open; make it clear that part of the reason you're the person they're attracted to is this aspect of your personality.

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Originally Posted by Laurana

Then again she is just a girlfriend and not a spouse.

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Now that's sympathy for you. So life would suck worse if they were married?

I agree with the trust issue. I agree that the SO has learned things they need to work through. I also say that love doesn't see the shell, it sees the heart. But that is something one has to learn because we, as a society, have been taught to base our "love" on the physical. I do think telling her was the right move as it exposed things that are better in the open (on both sides of the fence) rather than painting over them for years and having the base rot away under a veneer. I hope things work out

Jesicaa,
It is a difficult question but at the end of the day you don't have a choice, you have told her to be fair before the relationship goes any further, she has given you the truth in return, your Cding is hardwired, no matter how much you tell you you will stop, the urge will always be there and she's going to expect it to happen at some point. I'm afraid there's no going back now she will always have her doubts and mistrust, I'm afraid you're cheating on both of you if you continue in the relationship.

Dolovewell,
I don't entirely agree with you some women are very accepting and actually enjoy it , I know from experience when I had two GFs who were OK with it, also when I meet the partners of the members of my social group most are very comfortable with it and enjoy having a partner they can share feminine things with. Not all women want the macho hunk, it either frightens some of them or they like having a dominant role . Not to get married or have a partner at all because of CDing isn't necessary you can find and enjoy a loving relationship alongside the dressing needs.

This may sound harsh, but tell her if she does not think anymore of you than that, for her to hit the road. Put the ball in her court and make her do the changing, because you already know you can't. Make her feel as if you can live without her and not mourn the loss. Hard for you to do, I know, but better than going the rest of your life in misery, with the hiding and guilt. The best to you,:hugs:

I went back and read some of your posts. If my calculations are correct you're 22 years old. I suspect you're still trying to find you way in life. One of the pitfalls of telling a woman that you enjoy wearing women's clothing is rejection. You're hardwired for some reason to express yourself in that manner. She is hardwired to reject it. Maybe her rejection is due to societal expectations. Maybe it is because she has misconceptions. You really have not established a relationship in which she really has gotten to know you. Good qualities against negativity. Are the scales balanced?

What would I do? Frankly at age 22 I would not commit myself to any woman on a false premise that I would give up wearing women's clothing. It's easy for me to say that now since I'm almost 70. In life there are deal breakers, and, for most women it is a deal breaker. I would ask her "why" so I could gain some insight into the rejection. It may be you do not meet the "Prince Charming" vision many young women have of their boyfriends and spouses. Just look at the entire wedding industry.....the bridal dress, the honeymoon, the attendants, blah, blah blah.

I was lucky in that my GF now wife was fine with my underdressing years ago, and my recent step twords full blown cross dressing was met with a raised eyebrow but nothing bad. Of she had rejected me years ago I think I would have had to move on, or maybe I would have tried to stick it out but right now I can just imagine the conversation having been married almost 9 years and trying to convince her that I want to wear pretty things to after the initial rejection.

I can understand many of these posts, My wife was not happy either after finding out. What I would say if the reaction was quick well that tells you everything. If you love someone you take some time, think through the issue and works towards a solution. There is nothing (including my wife eating masculine) that would make me leave on the spot. Folks I have been married 2x, and this one is 18 years, if you love someone you do everything you can to make it work! everything...marriage and relationships are a long commitment , there will be plenty of issues along the way...but talking , understanding and compromise will get you a long and happy marriage . This sounds like a snap decision not a good sign...

You have to let her go. As others have said here cross dressing does not go away. It is a part of you as you are a part of it. I myself tried to hide it for years telling myself that I am not a cross dresser. However, I am and so are YOU. Love yourself and accept yourself and you will find someone who does too. Also, it is completely reasonable for her not to accept it. The first time my wife saw me dolled up, if looks could kill I would have been dead twice.

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Originally Posted by Lorileah

Now that's sympathy for you. So life would suck worse if they were married?

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Yes it would. If she wanted out and they were married things could get really ugly. At least with her just being a girlfriend they don't need to get lawyers involved.

I know that this will sound extreme, but we are in new times, a crossdresser needs a modern woman with fresh thinking, and mainly with something beyond tolerance, we do not need their permission, we need to share our rights with some lovely and enthusiastic person that is not paying a price but enjoing a sensitive person.
Please do not worry, I passed for similar situations and thanks good I told on time and realize that was worth it because my wife is sharing with enthusiasm and joy this part of me; she is beyond tolerance or "acceptance", she is not paying a price but sharing and enjoying with love.
Be patient and pay attention to small signs that will lead you to recognize when and who to try again. Maybe a suggestion is to shave your body and pierce your ears to give some signs to potential new partners that you are special, but my biggest tip is to always say the truth before marriage.
Good look

It is taken me two and a half years with my present SO, to move from a total rejection of the secret I had trusted her enough to share, to something approaching total acceptance. It has been a very slow process, full of ups and downs, and involved many threats to walk away, all of which I ignored.

I did my best to show her that I was still the same person, regardless of what I might be wearing. I went out of my way to treat her with extra care and kindness. Whenever she needed me, I was there for her. I assured her of my love for her.

I now dress freely with her at home. I change into drab whenever appropriate. Last night, she offered me a nighty to wear, with a naughty look in her eyes ...

We love each other.

So, to the OP, take it slow. If you truly love her, assure her of this and persevere. I wish both of you well.

There is always a work around you both may not like it at times but if the love is there you will both succeed, but to say its me or the dressing without thought then i have to question her love for you?

Julie

That is sad to hear. I think her reaction is kind of sudden move when try to cope with whole situation, thinking of you as some kind weirdo (which you are not of course). Your move depends on if you realy love her that much or if you wanna rather cd. Hard decision I know. I just suggest to not try her to convice her about whole cd thing since some GGs realy dont understand and may get angry or something

Maybe she doesnt really understand what crossdressing is. It took many years before I truly understood that it is what you are more than what you do. My wife gave me the ultimatum 30 years ago and I have to say it has affected us our entire marriage. I just felt like I always had to guard my whole self from her. She may be wonderful and give you a great life, but you may want to see this through before a ring goes on her finger. Perhaps helping her become more educated about it through a professional would help see how fruitless an ultimatum is and how it will push you into a situation where you cannot be honest with her unconditionally.
If I had my cd.com sisters to talk to back then I probably would have handled it differently.

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Originally Posted by Rachel Morley

But to be fair, I think that most women's initial reactions are based upon their upbringing, sense of values, religious beliefs, attitude and tolerance to others etc etc.

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^I don't think it's usually based on any of that at all (it might contribute to not liking it, but the base repulsion to MTF crossdressing I think it's rooted deeper than that. That some women are simply so sexually turned off by the idea of a feminized male that they simply cannot even consider the possibility of dating or marrying one of us. I understand this, because I feel the very same way about the idea of sex with a male. It's simply out of the question entirely. While I as a MTF crossdresser might be able to tolerate a woman who sometimes wishes to go the whole nine yards and dress up entirely in male clothes, talk like a male, walk like a male, and try to emulate a male, it would be a tremendous turn off for me, especially if she wanted to have sex dressed that way; I don't think I could 'function'. I'd be willing to try, but I really don't know if I could do it.

So, I understand where they're coming from when they say that they wouldn't ever consider it.

For Jessicaa, next time, test the waters first. First establish what she thinks about all the TG folks. Then, if that's ok, maybe the next step might be to see if NIMBY is in place, like if she ever dated anyone who was maybe bi. Then, if thatls ok, maybe try, "I used to be a crossdresser" as a last chance stopgap statement to see how she feels about THAT. If that passes muster, at a later date you can see if you can get away with telling her that you really, really feel the need to dress up 'a little', and ask if there's any way she would let you do it to allow you to de-stress.
At least, that's how I'd do it if I could do it all over again. But as it turned out, it wouldn't have mattered anyway, as my ex simply wouldn't tolerate it in any case at all.

Just some thoughts.

My wife of 30 years did a lot of 'I can't live with this' which was along the lines of hinting/threatening 'I'll leave you'. Did a lot of thinking about it and the unfortunate part is that it really means that I am a
'man object' to her to a large degree. The gender binary tends to create a large amount of gender objectification, and we are in a sense reflecting that by trying to capture back parts of ourselves by adopting the clothing and externals allowed for women. It is not at all unusual to love someone who doesn't actually love you, and it is at times like this that you find out. She may also be negotiating- to see how deep this runs in you, and may rethink her position once you explain that it is a matter of identity- as tangled as it may be in externals normally reserved for women. Show her the movie The Mask You Live in" free on the computer- and have a talk about how it relates to your life. THere is a companion video about MissRepresetation, about the awful focus on appearance for women, and these powerful films can help people start to think about the deals with the devil they have made, and be more sympathetic.

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Originally Posted by Lorileah

Now that's sympathy for you. So life would suck worse if they were married?...........

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Yep, big time. Marriage is supposed to be a life long commitment. Marriage often involves children and a home. It often involves in-laws and a large extended family. Breaking up a marriage is costly, both emotionally and financially. It usually doesn't end well for the male, especially if there are children.

The boyfriend/girlfriend thing is a test for compatibility. Both parties are trying to decide if the other one is someone they want to live with for the rest of their lives.

If there is going to be a breakup, it's far better for it to happen in the boyfriend/girlfriend stage than in the marriage. It may suck, but not as much as it will after a divorce when you're living in a refrigerator box under the Interstate.

1st, welcome to life outside the bubble. Second, for some of the replies, as well as the OP, we, by not coming out right at the beginning were basically creating a false image of ourselves. They fell in love with who YOU pretended to be. ALL of that person you showed yourself to be, at the time. Change the rules, change the game and then get upset they don't want to play..... WE trick them into falling in love with someone who we really are not then get upset because they do not like this person you really are. In time maybe she will come to see you as you are and be a little more ok with it. Some do, some don't. But don't blame it all on her for not accepting you, you weren't who you you pretended to be in the 1st place.

You need to be you Jessicaa. If you ''quit'' it won't be long until you feel the itch to dress again :/ If you haven't already, I'd advise you to ask her to take some time to at least try and educate herself on the matter. It's not fair to ask you to choose just like that without knowing anything about the psychology behind it or your feelings. If you ask me she sounds really selfish to just dismiss your entire persona and the huge step you took coming out about it. Whatever you decide to do make sure it's right for you too, don't live unhappily just to please someone else it's 50/50 in any relationship and there needs to be a middle ground for both of you. I hope it works out for you good luck.

I don't understand -- how could this be? I thought everyone out there absolutely *adored* CD'ers?

Surely there must be some sort of misunderstanding, since only good things can happen to everyone in CD Fantasy Land! Maybe you just need to go shopping with some of the girls? :strugglin



In all seriousness, OP, you're going to try to quit -- yet again? Go for it. But odds are it will only come back with a vengeance. And part of you will hold a grudge against your GF because of it, as long as you're together. Heck, you might even try sneaking behind her back -- I'm sure she'd just love that!


But try to work it out with her. And if she's still laying down the ultimatum? Well, maybe she's not the one for you.

Probably easy for me to say, but if someone tried pulling that crap with me, I'd kindly tell her to get stuffed. :)

It's a tough situation but You need to be true to yourself. Cross dressing is part of you, It will always be a part of you. Trust me suppressing or stopping will only bring you misery. You have to learn to embrace Jessica and enjoy the journey.

I just want to reiterate that I am not saying nor do I feel the OP should live less than an authentic life.

It is not just our partners who are being selfish. We lied, tricked and manipulated them into thinking we are someone other than who we really are to make ourselves more desirable to them. Only to then later on give them our truth.

What really is more selfish than that? Well, like myself and many on here WE have a big new mountain to climb. Seeing as how WE put it there in the 1st place, WE should carry the bigger load. That is how I feel about it anyway.

First of all let me say I don't believe in fairy tale love. I know there are soul mates as some say but even soul mates take a lot of work to make a relationship and marriage work. I say if she gave you an ultimatum to quit or she'd leave then I say good ridence. I know it hurts when you loose something you love but if the love you give is not returned then you are worse off than just staying together and you being partially satisfied. There would have always been something missing inside of you with out her approval and more than likely would have considered you less of a man. That's a tough statement to make since we are I tune with our feminine self. I say we are more manly to admit we have a female side that needs to be groomed from time to time. This is just my opinion and that's all. Good luck to you in finding someone that accepts you as you want to be accepted but just remember when you find that someone you must accept them and all their crazy little quirks that come with them. Just as this small part of us is who we are.

I have a working definition to offer to all of you. Respect is the acknowledgment that something (or person or philosophy) has value BEYOND your present understanding. If you are on the receiving end of the ultimatum without any attempt to sympathize with you or understand you, that is the opposite of respect. It should be a deal breaker, and I have told my wife that it was for me. She has since gone from wishing I was dead to telling me when my outfit looks nice and even telling me she likes me in a skirt more than a dress.

It has been said here over and over that the femininity doesn't go away, it can only be hidden temporarily. We and our SO's have to find a way to make peace with it and embrace it and even, dare I say, enjoy it. If your SO exercises her prerogative and kills the relationship, she didn't really respect you anyway and you're better off without her.

I feel your pain, this is why do many of us are in a DADTRelationship. We are still with the ones we love and we will continue to love them unconditionally. With the hope of one day having more and more acceptance.

I am one of the more fortunate in that my wife is supportive and understands my need to dress. Over time she's learned it's just a part of the man I am, and I still have a very strong "man mode" as she would say. It does take a very special woman to see things that way. I could not imagine keeping this a secret through decades of marriage, and you did the right thing by sharing.

If she's giving you ultimatums now, it will only get worse after you're married. If you give up crossdressing, she will find something else about you to change. It's a lot easier to break up with a girlfriend, than to get a divorce, and a lot less expensive. There are plenty of other women out there. The bus comes by every ten minutes. If you miss it, there will be another one along shortly.

To be blunt, what she told you was that she didn't really love you, she loved the imaginary person that she invented and convinced herself that you are. Do you want to remain in a relationship based on that?

Ultimately, the choice is yours. I don't know your details, but I can tell you from personal experience about being with someone that you can not give "all" of yourself to. CD is a one part of me that makes me whole ( I have to guess that is what we all here feel). I lived 15 years not being able to tell my SO. I brought it up when ever I could. If we was watching a TV show or we hear something on the news about Transgender. I was able to tell, I could not share my secret. But you, Jessica did the right thing! The brave thing. ( With respect) This is her problem not yours. This means she doesn't love you unconditionally. I do wish you the best. Today we are not together, but I am living my life as a CD, loving life and I can't turn back. YOU!! Will meet the right person. Don't settle for nothing less!!!!

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Originally Posted by Jessicaa

I am back, A couple months ago I came here asking for advice on telling my girlfriend. I told her. She directly said "Its me or the cross dressing" even after I told her she didnt need to have any part of it. I know it must have been extremely hard for her to hear and her reaction is somewhat understandable but I dont know how I feel about it. I have told her and she knew how much I trust her and how much I love her, I am kind of surprised how she could easily just up and leave over this. Im baffled to say this least and extremely hurt.

Ultimately I told her I would try and stop but after years of dressing and purging I dont know if I can. What should I do? What would you do? I love her and want to be with her but cross dressing is also a part of my life. This is such a horrible situation to be in.

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Seriously we all give up something of ourselves in a mutual relationship. Two people never get everything their way. Everybody has to figure out what to give up. Sometimes its merely a hobby. Sometimes its as life-changing as a job/career/residence. Some even give up family relationships when the family members reject the significant other. Its been said maybe if you give this up somewhere down the road you will be asked to give up something else. True. There's many time in these situations that one can develop a dominate roll. And believe me its hard to forecast and harder to handle when it gets to be too much.

The answer might not be so simple, but as a wise proverb says: "Life wouldn't be so hard if we didn't think it was supposed to be so easy!"

I told my wife 4 months before we got married, and the initial reaction was not good. It almost broke us up. As she explains herself now, at the time she said that she had an "ideal" image of a husband in her mind, and crossdressing wasn't a part of that ideal. So when I told her, she didn't know how to handle it. Then there was the other element of me keeping a secret from her for so long (we dated for almost 7 years by the time I told her). She also had worries that a lot women in the same situation have... Is he gay? Is he going to want to live full time as a woman? Etc..

Don't say that you're going to stop dressing. This may be a temporary fix, but is not good in the long run. The desire to dress will return. You'll probably end up doing it secretly behind her back, or even start resenting her for making you suppress that side of you.

I've come to accept that CDing is a part of me and makes me who I am as a person. My wife has also realized this as well. This is one of the many reasons that I believe we are truly meant to be together. We have now been married 6 years and she is fully accepting of Danielle. But reaching this point definitely didn't happen overnight. Give your GF some time to process her feelings about it. Communication is key. Things may get better over time. If not then, it's sad to say, but maybe you weren't meant to be together. I wish the best of luck to you though!

I didn't (originally) lie to my wife as much as I lied to myself, believing I could put that part of who I was away and never see it again. Of course, I couldn't. By the time I had come to that realization, however, we were married and otherwise quite happy. Frankly, when she found my stash after 20 years, I was relieved that it was finally out. We're still working through the aftermath, but it looks like our marriage will survive. She did NOT embrace that side of me, but we have a modus vivendi.

Point out to her that it hasn't affected your marriage for the past 20 years, and there's no reason it will now.