Getting Hit on--Affirming or Disturbing?

It was Saturday night, the weekend before Halloween, and all I wanted to do was to get inside the club (an LGBT establishment, so I was not fooling anyone), have a drink and dance. As I navigated through the parking lot, I was approached three times by different lurking guys who were very generous with the compliments, wanted to "talk," and tried to convince me to forgo the club and hang with them instead. While I never felt concerned about my safety--the area was well-lit and security was present--I felt a little annoyed that just because I was wearing a dress, I was somehow there for their entertainment. I guess I am okay with compliments from guys and pretty much anyone for that matter, as I find that they can be somewhat affirming if genuine and not attached to a proposition. I guess my most recent experience out en femme felt like I had to run a gauntlet of sexual advances just to get into a party. So, for me, the situation was more in the disturbing category, as it crossed the line a bit. Sucks being seen as "meat."

So, for those of you who go out, when men (and/or women) hit on you, is it affirming or disturbing?


Cheers,

Jill

I tend to wear an engagement ring and wedding ring, hoping they get the hint.
If they don't notice, I thank them and mention I'm married and they move on.

Jill, first off so glad to hear from you and you are still CDing. Consider it a whole lot more affirming and a little disturbing. Comes with the territory of being a beautiful woman which you are. When you dress and present so well the male radar definitely picks you up. If they ignored you what does that say? I know it would be better if they didn't but you are definitely classy eye candy. More posts and pic's please.

I have been hit on only a few times and each time it was a "compliment" about a body part or it as a drunk. None were an affirming experience. It is funny but while I want to look good, I don't want the advances from a guy. But as you noted, wearing a dress does not confir license to men to hit on you.

I'd take being hit on as a huge and very amusing compliment.

One thing I would say is that guys who try it outside the club are either cheapskates, or savvy because they are getting first pick, or both.

God, take it as a huge compliment, then get inside the club as fast as possible and dance your heart out.

I have been hit on several times and I took it as a compliment.
They weren't too forward and so it wasn't awkward at the time.

AFTER THOUGHT: After posting on your thread I began thinking why would three different groups of guys that one would think were gay since they were at a LGBT club hit on you. You present 100% a woman, they should not be interested in a female with a vagina, they want a man to look like a man and have man parts so why the interest? Maybe they saw you as a lesbian. Were they trying to ridicule you as a genetic female just as a group of straight guys would a gay guy. Or do guys hit on anything that moves and can be sexual just to boost their testosterone and be manly? And yes Jill, it doesn't feel good to be viewed as a piece of meat or sexual outlet for sperm. Chalk it up to you are classy and they have never heard of it.

Eww!

Jillian, some flirtation does not bother me, and can be a little flattering, but when it gets suggestive or agressive, my spidy senses go off. And outside the club, seems dangerous. But I am sure that girls get this all the time, so handle it with grace if you can.

And be careful out there.

I usually find it more amusing than anything else Hon. I go to the club to socialize and dance not get picked up. The first thing I usually say to the hitter(usually a young guy) is "Do you know how old I am?" They usually get a puzzled look on their face.I say makeup works wonders and tell them I'm 69 and old enough to be your Grandmother. Then you see them slowly exit stage left.:battingeyelashes::)

I am not surprised, if you look half as good in person, guys would hit on you. If I ever get hit on, I'll send them off for an eye examine.
You should be flattered, all the hard work pays off.
Sara

Well, I guess one should follow the same protocol that GG women do. If the hit is courteous and respectful would be welcome, if the hit is rude and vulgar the response would be the same one that one got from women in his earlier life when one was a man...

I hate it.

It really doesn't happen to me out in public because I think most guys are smart enough to see I am not a woman.

I hate getting hit on by men online though. It happens on this very message board - I get PMs from creepy guys. Other communities I participate on, guys PM me asking for hookups or sex or racy pictures.

I don't mind PMs complimenting me or saying I look good or they like my outfit. It's when the line is crossed into sexualized/fetishizing territory that irks me.

I am not interested in men. Period. I do not get why men would think I am interested in guys. I don't understand why they waste their time.

There is such a fine line between poor and aggressive behavior and that which is charming and complimentary. The words, tone of voice and setting all contribute. Being approached that way in a parking lot does not sound charming or complimentary.

I take it as a compliment. I've never met a guy who did not respect a simple 'no thanks'.
Of course, back when I was young and pretty, sometimes I said yes, but that would be a different thread.

Don't take this the wrong way but if they were hanging out in the parking lot like that they were probably looking for "working" girls.

I've had the exact same thing happen when going to a gay club dressed, and it was also 3 different guys who approached me in the parking lot as soon as I got out of my car. I found it to be very off-putting because they were acting more like we were in a porn theater than a public place. None of them were remotely attractive, and they all seemed like bottoms, which I am, so there was zero interest. I looked fairly passable and had my makeup professionally done that night, but they knew exactly what I was from the moment I got out of my car. From my experience, most gay guys aren't interested in CD'ers, but there are a lot of men who are, and they tend to be closeted bi/gay and often married.

Your story sounds just like what most women go through, sorry to say. It may be affirming if you're young or your self esteem is low, but I hear over and over that it gets old FAST.

First off, I don't go to LBGT clubs. Yeah everybody there wants you in the parking lot and not in the club. But when out at a dinner or something and somebody says something nice, I like that. But I wear an engagement ring that says I am taken and that helps a lot.

Inside a club, I'm always surprised when I get hit on. Because I'm old and not very attractive. I mostly find it flattering.

Outside a club? I would be worried. Especially if I am alone!:eek:

I have seen your photos. You are attractive and I am sure that goes into the real world. Thus guys will try and pick you up. Now, this was a LGBT club, so in this case they were likely "chasers" and the weekend before Halloween they knew the pickings would be better when the closeted or newbies were out and less likely to know what is going on. I would say in this case creepy.

Being seen as "meat"...welcome to the single women of the world out at bars club. I had an argument with a gay friend post op that I could not go to LGBT bars because I gay men don't want women (whereas before, there was that "part" they could want), lesbians don't want transwomen (they call me a wannabe). Yes, I know I could go just for music and drinking (lame). He suggested I go to a "Sports bar". Now being a woman alone in a bar (at the bar) sends out signals to men that you are looking...and not for conversation. So, you are seen as easy or desperate. Oh, and the old adage about the "wedding ring don't plug..." is true. It might as well be bait because if you are alone and wearing a ring, you are seen as safe/ In other words, you will go home to your spouse after the fling OR you are md at the hubby and willing to try anything.

First, I want the address of that club. ;) Then I'd observe that the uneasiness you felt about being perceived as entertainment for them is what happens when you lose your male privilege. One of the perks of male privilege is being able to go anywhere you want and have nobody question you. Everyone should have that particular privilege but women don't. Another male privilege is the freedom to feel that any woman you see is there for you to talk to, to pester, to interact with -- she gets no input into it. It can be a shock the first time you realize that going out en femme means you're voluntarily giving up your male privilege and you are subjecting yourself to the men out there. You can ignore it or take the lesson; your choice. ;)

Yes, it can happen sometimes no matter what you look like, where you are, or who you're with. Just a fact of life. It's quite surreal when it does occur, and it typically catches you off-guard.


And while there's definitely some over-lap, IMO there is a bit of a difference between this happening to a GG versus a CD/TG/trans/whatever. One reason being, some of us in some situations have to deal with the issue of whether the guy "knows" -- or he doesn't. Sorry, but GG's don't go through that, LOL... And it's just another layer of complexity that compounds everything. Because if he's just being stupid/blind/drunk/horny -- and actually thought you were a GG? Yeah, things have the potential of snowballing from there in a much different way than a GG would experience.


And another: We can be specifically targeted by "admirers" or "chasers" or whatever. They are not going after GG's -- they intentionally want to get into our panties because of what we have in there, which is a wee bit different, fundamentally speaking, than what GG's have. It's not like a hetero guy chasing after only GG blondes or GG redheads or something, who all share, um, something in common, regardless. We are "special" to them for a particular reason. And as such, there's always the potential of them going about it a somewhat different way & with a different motivation/desire/aggressiveness/whatever.


To be fair, of course, I don't believe one side or the other can get a true sense of the differences. I suppose some TS's could come pretty close, though, through personal experiences before/during/after their journey. But even then.



Anyway, here's a portion of what I posted elsewhere here, regarding this kind of stuff...


- Remember Yahoo Chat? Back in the day, I had created a profile listing me as female & included a pic of me en femme. As an experiment, I'd simply enter a vanilla public chat room, maybe say "Hi" & that was it. During the next 5 minutes, I'd get bombarded with PM's from all these dudes, oftentimes complimenting my photo and/or obviously hitting on me. Move onto the next chat room? Same thing.

...

- I've been ogled by men at hetero clubs/bars. Sometimes it was obvious how they perceived me, and sometimes it's not. (Do they know?)

- I've been hit on by men at hetero clubs/bars. As above, I never came out & asked them, "Um, you know I'm a dude, right? Just making sure, here."

- I've been asked to dance by men at hetero clubs/bars. See above. Besides, I don't dance in public, regardless how I'm presenting, LOL.


Shocking, flattering, weird, creepy, scary, uncomfortable & pretty awesome, all at the same time. I liked it, and I hated it. I tended to make hasty retreats before stuff went any further in any kind of direction. But, comes with the territory sometimes, I suppose.

Hi Jillian

Affirming or Disturbing ?

It can be both there are a lot of factors involved.

The venue only narrows the spectrum a little as most there will be part of the LGBT community

no matter where it happens if you are presenting as a woman, you are more likely to be approached by a man. This is the way society normally works. The problem then becomes the calibre of the person hitting on you. you can get the totally genuniue to the outright creepy.
Women have had years learning the lessons on how to deal with both situations. for most of our community we are on a steep learning curve.

Some men think anyone in a skirt is a woman of the evening willing to prostitute herself for dollars or food and drink. Your experience is no different than experiences related to me by GG's who were minding their own business and have been approached by men who believed they were available. Worse, by police who believe they were girls working the street.

PS: I would always consider it disturbing because it is their presumption that you are interested in sex. I was going to use the word again that was censored, but, in the parking lot? You know they are there looking for cross dressers/transwomen looking to prostitute themselves.

One of many reasons I do not go to "clubs". Just adding alcohol to the male ego is just a bad thing all around(I know from what I speak). I have had a few flirtatious situations from men about my age, and shamefully, I flirted back but not to lead on and I know my gender was known, but I took it as a compliment on my presentation and overall demeanor. It really is a big scary and dangerous world we move about in.

One time I made a Tinder and HotOrNot account with my female pictures on it, not to attract men but to see if guys could figure out from my pics I was a guy.

Only a very few were able to figure out I was a man. Pretty much everyone else had no idea and would match me and try to go for a hookup. I would tell them I was a man and it would scare most of them off, but there were a few who didn't care and would just be even more aggressive trying to get that hookup. At that point I would just block them.

I eventually stopped doing this because I felt it was wrong.

I've also gone on Omegle and ChatRoulette dressed up to see if I can fool anyone. I've had conversations with guys who had no idea. But each time I would pair up with a woman(or multiple women) they would figure it out immediately, every time. Don't think I have ever fooled a woman. Guys were a bit easier to trick. I remember these two guys one time, I talked to them for about 20 minutes until one of them figured it out. He said "Hey man come back, I think this is a dude".

As a new girl this summer, I found it affirming to be acknowledged as attractive, even when the man was not attractive to me. So, be affirmed-- there are many GGs who wish they were attractive, but never feel such affirmation.

That said, it is also legitimate to feel disturbed even as you are affirmed if the circumstances suggest danger or hostility. An admiring man is not necessarily an admirable man. There are creeps out there, and they are willing to act on their attraction to you in horrible ways. Being complimented by a bad guy does not mean you owe him anything-- even acknowledgement.

So, take care of yourself first, but you wouldn't have dressed and gone out in public if you did not want to have the world witness your true self. So know that your efforts to become who you want to be have changed the world's perception of you. Congratulations. And please be careful.

I wanted to add this idea: if a gay man hit on me in guy mode, I'd not be offended but I would not feel affirmed either. If he kept hitting on me after I explained I was was not gay and not interested, I'd be offended.

Now, given I know I do not pass as a genetic woman, the only reason someone can be hitting on me is they are 1) they are gay which falls into the category I started with above 2) drunk and have a severe loss of vision and that is offensive or 3) they are not even looking at me and that is offensive and just stupid.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Allisa

One of many reasons I do not go to "clubs". Just adding alcohol to the male ego is just a bad thing all around(I know from what I speak). I have had a few flirtatious situations from men about my age, and shamefully, I flirted back but not to lead on and I know my gender was known, but I took it as a compliment on my presentation and overall demeanor. It really is a big scary and dangerous world we move about in.

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At the same time, though, I never let the potential of that kind of stuff stand in my way, either. I mean, what, I can't go to a club/bar now like a "normal" person does?? Sorry, doesn't fly with me. I've had a *ton* of fun with friends while I was en femme in those kinds of environments, and very glad I did all that. Lots of great experiences & memories & relationships. And even though I'm not really into that kind of scene much these days, I still wouldn't rule it out again, either.

Yes, "bad" or negative stuff can happen sometimes. But I believe it's best if one does this in a smart-enough way where either you handle it correctly, or put yourself in a position where you help prevent something like that from happening in the first place. GG's do something quite similar in those environments, and considering I typically went there with some GG-friends, we simply joined forces, and I was just one of the girls, which was totally awesome. :)

Quote:

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Originally Posted by dolovewell

One time I made a Tinder and HotOrNot account with my female pictures on it, not to attract men but to see if guys could figure out from my pics I was a guy.

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Ha! That jogged my memory. I used to do HotOrNot way back in the day. Used to get pretty good ratings, too. :heehee:

Quote:

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Originally Posted by dolovewell

I would tell them I was a man and it would scare most of them off, but there were a few who didn't care and would just be even more aggressive trying to get that hookup. At that point I would just block them.

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Yup, what I mentioned earlier. It's seems like there can be greater odds of a higher level of intensity with some guys out there towards girls like us, which might not always be present with guys towards GG's. It's like we set something off in them & can evoke something psychological that's that much stronger -- and it is *not* cool. And I'm not saying it's never like that towards GG's, but I believe we might be at a higher risk for something like that, and in a different way for a different reason. Again, I want to be fair, since I can't really confirm that with 100% certainty, as I suppose many simply can't experience that firsthand from both angles (though some TS's probably have a much better understanding of the similarities & any differences).


Anyway, I know you're not a fan of teenage girls, dolove. But honestly? I'd much rather deal with them than a particular sub-group of men out there, regardless if they're hetero or "admirers." *They* are the demographic to watch out for, IMO.

(And no, I am not man-bashing, LOL! There are tons of awesome guys out there. :) )

I will always see it as disturbing if any one hits on me.

I have been hit on and I really like it. Regardless of everything that has been said here, I love it and it is affirming to me. I have received wolf whistles, two or three times when I was young, had longer hair and did not dress in public. And another couple of times since I go out dressed, in one of those occasions it was by a man a lot older than me, I was walking out of the mall and he was near one entrance, when he saw me he could not dissimulate his stare, he was looking at me, checking me, I thought it was because he read me, I was wearing a minidress and high heels, I passed next to him but he did not say anything. Some minutes after that I came back and at that time he was leaving the parking lot in his car, he passed next to me, stop his car and gave me a wolf whistle, even when it was kind of creepy, I loved it since I thought that maybe his reaction before was not because he read me but because he found me attractive.

Another time I was in Walmart, I was using a miniskirt, black hose and 5'' heels. I passed next to an old man, and he said looking at me some sexual and dirty comments, it was clearly not a compliment, it was the kind of stuff that women hate to hear. Again, even when that was creepy, I liked it. I know that there is a chance that he knew that I was not a woman, but I think that was not the case, and the fact that he maybe thought of me as an attractive woman is what I liked the most.

Besides those cases, there are also examples in which guys wanted explicitly to talk to me (to hit on me). I do not like men, but I enjoyed the attention, the fact that they tried to be nice with me. The fact that they were treating me as a girl. One of them was an old guy, he talked a lot, I just answered the things he asked me. Another guy was a student of the university, he tried to be funny and to talk about him. I really enjoyed his attention. I encountered both of them two or three times since we took the same bus, I don't know if they knew I was not a woman, since in both cases I interacted with them and even if they did not read me initially, as soon as I spoke they should know.

Other example was a guy who wanted to buy me a drink in a bar, I had to go when the waitress told me that, so I did not accept the drink nor talked to him. Another man in Walmart approached me some day to tell me how beautiful I looked and that he loved how I was dressed. Other guys have complimented me on my hair (even when that wig is a mess) and on my clothes. Finally, the most extreme example, was a guy who complimented me many times, followed me to the parking lot, offered himself to give me a ride. And during the ride wanted to take me to a motel even when he already knew that I was a "transwoman". I hated the fact that I thought I would be raped or worse. However, I love the fact that he was really attracted to me. In conclusion, in my experience, even the worst cases have an affirming and flattering part.

For me, it just never happens... like, ever happens. There might have been a few times when a guy might have shown interest, but it was friends I was with who mentioned it and I wasn't sure if they were teasing or not, I never got that impression. I am probably not the idea of what men want anyway. I am glad it doesn't happen, I just don't like men or want male attention personally.

It would be great if a GG was hitting on me... but likewise, never happens.

Wear a wedding ring.
It works every time.

Jillian...first off, having been here for several years and having seen many of your pics, I completely understand why you were being hit on. :o

Wedding band and all, I've been hit on by men a handful of times and thankfully, very nicely and respectfully, so I've always taken it as a compliment.
If it's tasteful and gentlemanly, no harm, no foul and always worth a hand on an arm and a sweet but firm 'no thanks -but I'm flattered'

I think a lot depends on the circumstances, for example I was standing with a friend very close to the entrance to Divas in San Francisco at around 12am, a car with a woman driving and a man in the passenger seat pulls up.The woman says "would you two beautiful ladies like to come home and have some fun with my husband?" No thanks we both said in unison, she smiled and that was the end.

Given where we were and the time and that she picked us out of maybe 20 people it was very affirming. Had we been outside a restaurant at 8pm it would have been disturbing.

When in my teens and 20s I was hit on by guys. I didn't take any up on it. I'm sure that they thought I was a girl. I've been propositioned in drab mode too.

You have now experienced what it is like to be a woman alone in public and going to a bar. This is one of the reasons most women do not go to bars by themselves.

If you had been going to a normal bar, this would have been a compliment even though it was annoying. It would have meant that you were passing as a woman. Since you were going to a gay bar, it's questionable.

For me, it depends so much on the context of the situation.

The situation you described would have sent me very rapidly into the club and away from those guys. I would only barely have acknowledged their presence. Red flags going off like crazy from the number of guys, and the idea of them trying to pick up a solo girl outside the obvious club that you were heading for and 'take you elsewhere', rather than offering to come in with you and offering to buy you a drink or to dance with you.

Similarly, I've had a guy spot me in the parking lot as I as leaving a gay club, and follow my car with his, and try to get my number. I declined, and drove off rapidly. I just didn't trust the situation.

I did have one positive experience where a girl and a guy both complemented my appearance when I was about to step into a straight bar, and the girl said that her 'super gay' male friend wanted to buy me a drink. While they both obviously realized I was TG, they thought I looked fabulous. The guy escorted me inside, bought me a drink, and chatted with me for a bit. He was polite and respectful, and didn't get grabby or lewd. He asked if I wanted to go out back with him for a smoke, and I declined, saying I don't smoke or vape. By the time he came back through the club, I had already hooked up with several lesbian GG friends of mine that I had gone there to meet, and he just smiled and waved as he went back out front to rejoin his female friend. But I hadn't minded his attentions at all.

On the inside of a club, it will depend a lot on how hard they try to be nice and to get to know me.

A guy that makes kissy faces or a leering expression from across the room without previously haven even tried to speak to me is likely to get ignored, or avoided. I find that creepy.

I've had a guy who was casually dancing with me try to get me to go with him into the club's unisex bathroom, presumably to make out, without ever asking my name or offering his own. He hadn't asked me to dance. I was dancing on my own and moving around the dance floor, dancing with anyone male or female, who seemed to appreciate my presence, and he approached and started to synch his dancing with mine. I ignored his request. He seemed disappointed later that he had 'lost me' when he went there, and I replied that I never tried to follow him. He moved on, and stopped bothering me.

I've had both guys and girls try to pick me up in a bar or nightclub. I don't mind complements at all. But they won't get very far with complements alone.

If a guy or a girl wants to get a positive response from me in a 'pickup' sort of way, and get any farther than sharing some time on the dance floor or chatting withme at the bar, they need to at least try to invest a little time and effort into chatting with me, getting to know me, and either dancing with me or drinking with me for a bit, preferably while offering to buy me a drink. If they don't even ask my name, and seem only interested in a anonymous hook-up, I'm not interested.

I'd say it's affirming for me as it tells me that I'm looking good and others can see that, as long as the guy is not being creepy or overly annoying I don't mind. I assume the CDs that find it disturbing are repulsed by men and don't like the extra attention but it comes with the territory if you're dressed well/look attractive