Christmas Blues

Hi all- nothing exciting going on over here. I’m currently with family celebrating the holiday and am completely in guy mode. It sucks knowing that I can’t be myself with anyone here really. It sucks pretending to be a stereotypic, masculine, bro with my cousins. I want to be accepted but I’m terrified of what would happen if I came out to my family. I don’t think I’d be welcomed back next Christmas. It kills me seeing my cousins and aunts all wearing their Christmas dresses and outfits, seeing their hair and make up done- knowing damn well that I could do it better. I want to chat and exchange stories with them, but that won’t happen. And if it does, it will always be with underlying tension and/or doubts. I just wish I was born female. Why does this have to be so damn complicated? It’s not fair. I just want to live a normal life. One without questions or exceptions. I hate this. I hate Christmas. I hate all of society.

Sorry for the rant. I’ll shut up now and go back to drinking. Maybe I’ll drink enough to come out tonight in front of everyone and destroy my life. Who knows

It could be worse, Wasp. We drove 250 miles to our family Xmas. Some there don't know I dress. And, I ain't comin' out!:thumbsdn:
Since the house is full, I booked a motel nearby. I had planned a sexy photo shoot one nite in my motel room. Thot about the different outfits I had packed and how I would pose in them on the ride here.:daydreaming:

Only to unpack and find I left my camera at home!:Angry3:

Hi, Wasp!

I understand you! I'm alone with associated freedom, but I'm deteriorating rapidly towards a state that I call "unprettifyable". I was also at a wedding during the summer. Enough said? ( Aside to Doc: I knew there would be plenty of people at said wedding that I wouldn't know. Worried about seating arrangements, I loaded a tablet with videos... and left it at home :doh:. I didn't need it though. The envy notwithstanding, I had fun :) ).

Wasp: Should you try to block everything out, or should you look for inspiration and focus on how you'll do the best transformation you've ever done when you get home? At the wedding, I blocked, and it seems as though you're doing the same. When unprettifyable, I focus on ideas. Maybe length of time and having people around influences this. But regarding the drinking, you have great skin, great eyes, and you look to be in great shape. I'll leave it at that.

[EDIT] You're very young, too. You never know what might happen in a very long future ahead of you. Stuff could still happen for you. [/EDIT]

Hang in there, girl! :hugs:.

- Lydianne.

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Originally Posted by Wasp

Maybe I’ll drink enough to come out tonight in front of everyone and destroy my life. Who knows

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Alcohol may not be the best facilitator when it comes to making good decisions!

Any decision taken after midnight and/or a bottle or two is likely to be a bad one.

Being alone for Christmas, I spent the day in enfemme. Just love the new breast forms and and new tops from amazon.

Wish you the best for the new Year, Hugs

Hey Wasp, I know what you mean. I saw lots of cute outfits that I wished I was wearing, but I'm so lucky because I don't feel the way you do. I see something cute and think, wow I'd like to be wearing that but that's it. Not hate, no great longing. I was able to enjoy talking to all my cousins, play with all the kids, talk to guys, talk to girls, and just be myself.

If I was in your situation I would be thinking, what do I have to lose? If I hate being around people so much as a guy, why not start transitioning, have you considered it?

Wasp,
Sometimes Xmas can be a cruel time, everyone else appears to get all they want and are happy , what so bad about you dressing at this special time and joining in the fun ? For many years all I wanted was a token gesture of something feminine like some nice underwear , as usual it's been the manly pair of slippers and a pack of socks !

I must admit it has been slightly different this year as I found out everyone around the meal table knew about my CDing , this was possibly going to be the last family gathering around the table in this house , next year is going to be different but as yet a totally unknown .

Let the dust settle over Xmas and think about your Cding needs in the New Year , you have age on your side which is something I'm running short of . Use the forum for your rants that's what it's here for most of us sympathise with you .

Wasp, first of all, welcome to the forum. As many of us will say, this is a wonderful place for advice. Especially from us older gurls. We've already experienced and sorted out everything you are experiencing. First of all, never lose track of the fact that your gender fluidity is anything less than a fabulous bonus compared to the average two dimensional existence to which most are constricted. At your young age, you have many advantages. OMG, I can just see in your avatar that you make makeup look good. Unless you really feel that you have to transition, a life of balance between two genders is what you have ahead. I get tempted by female experiences a thousand times a day as I operate in male form and function. And those boring family gatherings are just duty. So, my main message is just enjoy your life with your special gift. And, as others have stated, alcohol is emotional poison. Why the hell would you want to dull your better judgement. Just think of how many millions of chemically emboldened mistakes have been made. Do you really want someone to tell you that the night before, a family member had to drive you home because you were babbling about wanting to dress like the rest of the women? Just roll with it and enjoy your life.

Life is like a box of Cracker Jacks (do they still make that stuff?) It ain't all prizes.

You have your whole life ahead of you don't be so negative.
You have a family and extended family lots of people don't have anyone.
Life is what YOU make it, if you harbor negative thoughts then negative things and people will always be around you.I have been there so I know.
If you are pissed off all the time then the good people won't want to be around you.
My guess is you hate yourself and what you are so you project it on to other people and blame them.
Life can be very unfair thats just the way it is so get used to it thats the way life can be sometimes.
If you don't like the way things are its up to you to change things for the better. I did that and I am way better off now.
Nothing in life that is worth anything is easy and in fact its quite hard and things take time.
If you ever need to vent just give me a PM.
I will always be honest with you and tell you what I think even if its not what you want to hear but it just might be what you need to hear.

You know the saying"you are not alone". Just after Christmas lunch I sat on the couch and playing with my phone and of course all the women were all dressed to the tees that made me so envious. My sister-in law wasn't feeling well and she laid on the other side of the couch, she was wearing a black leather skirt and staring at her I wanted so bad to rip her skirt and black pantyhose off and put them on.
It's so hard when you want to dress and being surrounded by pretty outfits and pantyhose everywhere you look, it's like torture.
You are definitely not alone but you don't have to beat yourself up about it.

Hope you’re feeling better today.

I dont often say this, but maybe you should come out and live as you wish. Coming out won’t ruin your life, but definitely will change its trajectory. You will find some relationships changing and others ending.

You are young and the prospect seems overwhelming and can be. But we learn from example, then experience. Look to the examples of people right here.... from societies around the world, every conceivable age, occupation, sexual orientation and gender identification. The happiest among us seem to have found works uniquely for them. Out to SO, close or extended family, neighbors, coworkers, employers, the public...but always first to themselves.

there are many here, myself included, who felt much as you feel and spent literally lifetimes hiding from others and ourselves. Of course times change and societal acceptance changes, and we each coped as best we could. And looking back from our senior years, can’t avoid wondering how differently things might have been. that doesn’t mean our lives were lacking love, fulfillment and degrees of happiness, but also degrees of regret.

You’re liviing in a much different time and from what I can see, have vast opportunities to be the person you choose to become. It will be difficult in many ways, but your dreams are more attainable than ever.

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Originally Posted by Wasp

I want to be accepted but I’m terrified of what would happen if I came out to my family. I don’t think I’d be welcomed back next Christmas.

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You have to recognize that this is your choice (not being out.) I completely understand why you've made this choice, but it's a choice none-the-less. This isn't something beyond your control. Knowing that, you can remind yourself that it's a choice you've made -- for now, not forever -- and let that help you through it.

If you decide to come out, will you be invited back to Christmas? I'd say it (also) depends on you -- are you going to be happy and excited and fun to be around because you're being your best self? Then who wouldn't want you at their party? Are you going to mope and be touchy with a chip on your shoulder? Who would want you at their party? Last night I was visiting friends some of whom knew me from before, some didn't -- we were playing a card game (Exploding Kittens) and while I paused to work out strategy, one guy snarled (in good humor) "C'mon, grow a pair!" And there was sudden silence --like in a Western movie when someone insults the gunslinger -- his own eyes got wide when he realized what he said and he knew he had opened himself up for righteous Liberal wrath. I looked up, cupped my boobs and said, "Already have." then went back to considering my cards. Everyone laughed; tension was broken. I rarely put myself up as a role model, but I'd say be the happy person, be the person who can laugh at themselves and at the absurdities of life and the question will not be which parties will you be invited to, but which invitations you'll accept. ;)

I hope you're feeling better today.
You got a lot of good advice here.
Occasional ranting can be good to clear your thoughts.
You do have a long future with a lot of possible choices.
No one here knows what choices are best for you, but you'll find a wealth of experience here that you can use to help you make good choices for yourself.
-Hang in there, we're all pulling for you.

If someone feels they are suffering from serious gender identity issues, they should seek therapy. If it is a case of not being able to do what one wants to do, then try to seek some balance. I know it can be tough to not be able to be en femme whenever the feeling/urge strikes. The frustration builds up. Then an unwise choice may be made. The results can be more than anticipated. Sure, you may decide to come out to everyone on the spur of the moment. It's all about risk vs. reward. Once the Genie is out of the bottle, she is not going back. If you are really tormented by the thought of losing relationships among family and close friends and coworkers, it may be advisable to cultivate another set of relationships. Find a support group. Some decisions can be lifelong mistakes.

Wasp, your right on how we have to have two personalities. I was sitting in the mall before Christmas people watching. Every women we passed, didn't matter young or how old made me feel jealous and envious. Have a drink or two but hang in there.

By the way, I love your picture, it's beautiful.

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Originally Posted by Stephanie47

If someone feels they are suffering from serious gender identity issues, they should seek therapy.

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I was waiting to see if someone would bring this up. I was thinking the same thing for the OP.

First you might want to check out a counselor and/or a support group.

You know it is all in your head.

I understand the fear of the unknown.

Still you have to give people a chance, they just may surprise you.

I agree with Jean.

The holiday season has been an emotional black hole for me for many years. Add a struggle with gender identity to the heightened and unrealistic expectations of family togetherness and love and generosity and it becomes a swamp in a black hole (if that's possible). The best options I've had were always finding ways to compartmentalize the irritants and developing a sense of patience. I knew if I made it home from the family party without being part of the drama my world would improve. I hope you found a way to get through your family party without hurting either family relationships or your liver too badly.

In January, just a week away, look for someone to talk to. Maybe a good friend who knows about your struggle or a counselor or another Trans person, just someone who can ask you questions that help you put your world in a context that helps you get a non-destructive handle on things. I'm sure in your area there are resources you can access for help in working through the frustration and anger that builds when solutions seem so hard to find.

The other advice I offer is find a distraction that will allow you an outlet for the negative energy you are feeling. A walk or working out at a gym or dancing or something physical that helps drain off the energy. I'm old enough that a good cry now and then suffices and I feel better as priorities settle down differently than when I'm in the middle of the difficulty. Good luck and there's only a week left in the holiday season.

Keep your head and arms inside the ride at all times.

I’ve been experiencing the exact same thing unfortunately and it seems to get worse each and every Christmas. It starts in Christmas Eve as I always attend a service with my family and I so wish I could attend wearing something pretty as most of the ladies always put so much into their presentation. The same goes for Christmas Day all the way to New Years. I have always loved Christmas but lately I’ve dreaded it. New Years I simply hate, for one I would love to attend a party wearing a new dresss and as of now I cannot. I also think the sentiment of starting a new year without being who I want to be is so hard. I do hope you feel better today!

Sarah, you can have a black hole in a swamp, but not a swamp in a black hole. :)

To Wasp: You are absolutely beautiful, and could give us all makeup lessons. Let the family gatherings be a chance to observe other women in their feminine finery and gain inspiration for your own future looks and outings. Above all, go easy on the alcohol, which rarely makes any situation better in the long run.

- Diane

Wasp. I feel your pain. Been there done that. Sorry but I suspect many here will have. After all these years I'm still in the closet after 50+ years of cross dressing. Personally I came to accept the benefits of a loving wife and perceived family values. Staying in the closest all these years has worked for me, but we are all different. It may not work for you. I suspect all of my extended family know I cross dress. I used to under dress at family gathering when I was young and bold. There were obvious mutterings back then. I chose my partner over my desire to cross dress, she knows but those same old values stop us both from sharing my true self with the rest of the world. Being in a minority will never be easy or simple. Enjoy your life and make the most of what ever it offers. I have no regrets.

Christmas is only once a year and we all need to breathe in a little for a short time.

Drink alcohol but don't spill the beans, you have the rest of the year to go stealth and enjoy yourself.

It may sound like preaching, but, family does nearly always come first.

Beverley makes a good point too.
You may not know it now but family is everything.
If you just learn that life is not "all about you" and that family matters you will be better off.
I hate to "preach" but if you are the dark and brooding person in the family that never likes family gatherings then you might just be the problem why you hate Christmas.
You may be the toxic family member no one understands. Been there done that too and I wish I had wised up then because I sure know better now.
The only way things will get better is for you to make it happen.

So sorry to hear you are suffering. It's not easy when you can't be yourself. I've been in Christmas boy mode for days and it's no fun. Just before I logged on, I took off my boy underwear and slipped into a pair of black panties and put on my sweat pants back on. I feel a bit better, but I wish I could just be me.

Hey everyone, I really appreciate all of your support. It was a rough night for me and luckily I didn’t do anything drastic. I was emotional and stressed. I’m going to focus on myself this year. I think talking to a therapist might be a good place to start. I wish I could respond to each of you individually and thank you, it’s really great to feel all your support.

Make sure the therapist is a gender therapist a reg therapist may not know much about TG ism.
Good luck I think thats the best thing you can do for you and thats what is important here YOU.

If you family is toxic, and you are an adult, you may have to choose to simply not come and get involved with them.

As someone who was younger and in a similar situation... well... remember, it can ALWAYS be worse. To put it in perspective...


My mom died last week. Suddenly. With no warning. If you have someone in your family you really, really love... love them and enjoy them while you can.

Girl, I totally get it. I can't stand that I can't be myself around my family. I think there are some that would be ok with it, and a lot that wouldn't at all. It stinks that our families, who you should be able to be yourself around, are often the least accepting.

-Emily ✌️💖😁

I dread christmas. I get so depressed. A huge part of that is gender dysphoria, being closeted and so forth.

It's a fact that suicide rates spike during the holiday season.
There are various reasons for it, but it's something to keep in mind that there is somethings about this time of the year that negatively effects a lot of people .

The good news is this feeling will pass at the end of January .
We just have to be aware of all this.

In fact, a few decades ago, a friend of mine hung himself Christmas eve.
His long time live in girlfriend, to her complete horror, found him hanging Christmas morning when she awoke ..... true story .
Yeah, he had his problems but, it was the "holidays blues" that finally got to hm.

I understand Wasp. same with my family. My first ex goes there also. Yes a blue Christmas. MY SO bought me jeggings and sweaters and a nice aqua, pink and purple flannel shirt plus big hoop earrings. she asked me to wear them and try them out. so it was a nice Christmas this year,

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Originally Posted by DaisyLawrence

Alcohol may not be the best facilitator when it comes to making good decisions!

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I don't even need alcohol to make really bad decisions.


The advice about staying away from toxic family members is sound. I have walked out on the entire family during Thanksgiving and Christmas dinners when the toxic person - the person that was once my cousin - simply would not stop belittling me. (True story: I almost ran down my own father because I wanted to leave - he stood behind my car so I couldn't. After hearing my side of the story and how she made me feel, he relented and let me go. My Christmas dinner that year was a Big Mac value meal.)