Attracted to men even more when I'm dressed... But I'm married...

I've always have had my crossdressing linked to my sexuality.. At 18 years old it got to another level when I met my first "DADDY". Being a shy person I always got hit on by girls even kissed and talked dirty but never went further than that. Well when I met my first "DADDY" On a Yahoo chat room it went a little different.. We chatted pretty heavily about fantasies that included us both together but sooner than later he was ordering things for me to wear and setting up a date for the first meet up. Unlike with girls I was excited and eager to be with him sexually right there and then.. Long story short at 18 I lost my virginity to this man I called DADDY and had no regrets about it.. Shortly after that experience I actually became more confident with girls and had sex with them as much as possible which was a lot.. Not showing off by the way it was true.. Anyways years have passed and I'm married now with kids and no lie am happy with where I am and where it can go but the craving for other things (being with men while dressed) just don't go away and I'm not fighting to let them go either. I've spoken to my wife about it so she knows.. Is she happy with it? No. Does she want any part of it? No. Am I considering going behind her back to fulfill these urge? Well.......... LOL let's just say it's hard to deal with.. So with that said.. Does anyone else deal with this?

Pretty common subject around here but if you are married just don't do it because you will get caught eventually.
Getting caught means you lose your wife and kids and you get to pay for your house with another man living there with your ex wife and you get to live in a hell hole of an apt and have no money.

Pretty straight forward answer.. Harsh but reality I guess.. But what do you do about the urges and feelings you bottle up?

Well if you have those urges you need to look to yourself and do the right thing for your family first.
Urges in this case are fantasies so they need to remain fantasies. IMO.
I don't bottle things up because I have accepted who I am and I'm not hiding who I am.
A lot of it is I am trans and not just a crossdresser.

Not saying being a crossdresser is a bad thing because I do it to and have for a long time. I've just moved on from being just a CD to living my life my way.
We are all different so no one way is better than any other.

If I just paraphrase the OP: when I was young I had a sexual fantasy which I acted out and enjoyed, now I'm married with kids and I've told my partner about my fantasy and she's not happy but I'm thinking about cheating on her to get my end away.

I suppose you need to decide what's important to you: a few cheated moments behind the bikesheds followed by years of guilt, or, a being a father figure to your kids and a partner to your wife?

Yes, it really is as stark as that.

Maggy,

Do you want a fantasy or a marriage?

Think about it long and hard.......

Just to play the devils advocate...

Simple. Wait for your wife and kids to go out of town and hire a prostitute so there’s no commitment and you can live out your fantasy. Not saying I’ve done this or that I would, but it’s an option. I know everyone is gonna hate me for saying this, but you probably won’t get caught unless you do something dumb.

Many of my guy friends have used prostitutes while married/in a relationship and nothing has ever come of it.

The vast majority of member on this site will always look down on the rest of us from their moral high-ground because they think it makes them look/feel good. But in reality (I hope) we all know life is a little more complicated.

Technically it wouldn't be considered fantasy if you actually did it though.. But I get what your saying..

[SIZE=1]- - - Updated - - -[/SIZE]

Kas your crazy...lol... No I think I'm cool on the paying a prostitute idea but I might be the one to charge the guy..jk.. Joking but that is one crazy idea. Wow!

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Originally Posted by Kas

The vast majority of member on this site will always look down on the rest of us from their moral high-ground because they think it makes them look/feel good. But in reality (I hope) we all know life is a little more complicated.

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Really? Do you really think that? If I think that someone cheating on their wife (knowing she will disapprove and knowing that they had committed never to do that) is morally wrong, I am simply looking down on them from my 'moral high ground' for my own glorification? Well you are wrong. And no it doesn't make it allright to use a prostitute. Would the OP be happy if her wife used a male prostitute while she was away? The double standards here are shocking. Marraige is a partnership with mutually agreed boundaries and neither party has any right to move those boundaries without the approval of the other, period. If you do not believe that then marraige is not for you. :Angry3:

I guess a lot of us who 'dress' will have these fantasies. After all, we are expressing the female within and that will lead to 'what if' moments. There are escort agancy sites that will provide you with a 'date'... I have never done that, but I know some of us who have. I just love the fantasy! xx

So many intriguing thoughts here! Well, girls, I am divorced, and unaccompanied. I fantasize, and it is nice! Roxanne will always be a happy girl, even if she is older now. Hell, I might even be a good wife!
Roxanne Lanyon

My 2c:

Your point of view is that your Crossdressing is triggering sexual fantasies. These fantasies are about having sex with a man while dressed, and are so strong that you told them to your wife, presumably to get her permission.

Unsurprisingly, she didn’t think much of the idea. I doubt very much she cares what is triggering your fantasies or if it’s sex with a man; as far as she is concerned you want to have sex with someone else. Infidelity. What makes this worse for her is that it’s not even that it’s an attractive co-worker, friend or neighbor. The object of your infidelity is some random man who you don’t even know.

Plenty of wives and husbands have had your problem, or similar. Some resist, some don’t.

What you have to decide is whether fulfilling your fantasy is worth the risk of losing your wife, house, significant part of your income and children five days per week.

Michelle

Attachment 298130............

Being unfaithful is being unfaithful, doesn't matter what clothes you are wearing at the time.

Maggy, I'm married, which means I have committed to one person. Unless she was to give me a hall pass which I am not asking for, its only her.

on the prostitute idea, you may get more than you want { STD }

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Originally Posted by chelyann

on the prostitute idea, you may get more than you want { STD }

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Chelyann, on the going with an unknown man (or woman) front, the same applies.

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Originally Posted by chelyann

on the prostitute idea, you may get more than you want { STD }

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As someone that has been through prostitution, I needed to stop eventually, out of fear of going infected. All they do is hustle you out of money from my experience, whether they want sex from you, food, (if they're homeless/in and out of jail), or drugs. They did that compulsively to me in order for me to keep them around for sex. I'm not morally stuck up in any way, but I eventually had a problem of being used. So good point.

Its not a "moral high ground " thing at all, its just a warning from people that have been down that road and know what they are talking about.
Of course at 30 I thought I knew everything too and was the last to know my wife of 12 years had banged all my friends and even the postman more than once.
Yes it got ugly and I hurt a lot of people which if I had been smart I would have let it go because she wasn't worth it.
So infidelity is never the right thing to do.

Oh yes, I can relate. While I was attracted to girls growing up, had girlfriends etc. all the while being a transvestite, it wasn't until I met a man that I popped my virginity so to speak. I continued to swing both ways even after marriage with my wife's knowledge I might add. And same as you, she doesn't like it but accepts it. As I've grown older I've come to the realization that pleasing a man is much more gratifying to me than pleasing a woman ever had been. Had society been as it is now, I'm sure I would have went the other route and been totally gay, perhaps even as far as transitioning. But alas, it wasn't and I really have no regrets. I enjoy being a man and being a woman when I can, just wish I had the body I had in my youth.

There are two things to consider here:

1) Having sex or even "dates" with anyone but your wife is cheating. Male or female, dressed as a man or a woman. It doesn't matter, it's cheating. If you want to stay married to your wife, if you want to live in the same house as your children, don't do it.

2) Strapping on a pair of boobs and a wig does not make you a woman. A man having sex with another man is homosexual sex even if one is dressed as a woman. I'm not trying to imply that gay sex is wrong, just point out that wearing boobs and a wig doesn't change anything.

Having fantasies of being a woman and having sex with men is one thing, I suspect many of us do that. Actually doing it is way different.

There is no acceptable way or reason to cheat. It doesn't make it more acceptable that you're married to a woman and have desires for a man. Even if you weren't married but were in a committed relationship, still not acceptable. My wife cheated because she came to see/think of me as a woman and she "needed" a man. Didn't make it right.

I think that now more than ever, people should explore their sexuality and gender curiosity to the fullest before they ever commit to anybody. This is not the times I grew up in, and the way it was done when I was coming of age don't work anymore, and the acceptability/opportunity for "alternative" lifestyles is vastly greater than it's ever been. Too late for you to do that to whatever extent it would have taken for you to be settled in your decision to marry a woman.

Keep the fantasy and enjoy the hell out of it... as a fantasy. If you cheat (and it sounds like you will), it's not just something you do one day on your lunch break. It alters your life and your marriage. Your relationship with your wife will never be the same. I see on here that sometimes there's the thought that you can just do it and get it our of your system. That maybe you won't like it and it'll renew your resolve and commitment to your marriage. In your case, you already know you like it. Sounds like you know full well it won't be a one time thing. If this is the case, then marriage (or any committed relationship to a woman) is just not for you.

This is a powerful thing. Not something to be trifled with. I'm divorced, but I'm a big fan of marriage and a big fan on monogamy and commitment. Once you step across that line, it's all over with.

Using myself as an example after 30 years married and 10 years divorced. No one was more committed or more in love that I was. I had no desire to cheat with anybody, ever. Knowing what I know now after 10 years of being single, if I had ever crossed that line with a male at any point in my marriage, I would not have been able to resist continuing. I think it's the same way with men who cheat with women. Once they do it once, they'll do it again.

I hope you can stay married, keep the fantasy, act on it in a fantasy sort of way in the bedroom or whatever, and be fulfilled by it in a fantastical sort of way, but don't cheat.

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……….. I think it's the same way with men who cheat with women. Once they do it once, they'll do it again...…..

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That's not necessarily true. Just like so many other things in life, one can stop if one wants to. The trick is to really want to. And to understand what you may lose if you don't stop.

Krisi,
My brush was a little broad with that statement, but my point (to your point) is that you should understand what you may lose... before you start.

Congrats on being bi, cheating is still cheating and it doesn’t make you any less of a cheater because it’s a man.

There's more to this I didn't add but here it goes. I don't feel appreciated in our relationship the way I think I should be.. Besides things in the past like being cheated on with the help of one of my female cousins to sneak off with some guy she barely knew from online..I recently have not felt appreciated. This morning for example I get home 5:30am from a long nights shift at work hit the bed by 6 after feeding the baby and because I'm human and my stomach hurt I woke up at 8am to use the restroom. I just so happened to make enough noise to I guess wake the little one up. This turned into name calling puts down like "you dumb ass" "you never do shit" "your only good for sucking dick" which I haven't done for years but for some reason it's easy for her to use homophobic put downs and yelling me how I only care about myself when I work nights to be home with her and the kids and never!!! I mean never go out with friends..I buy her everything she wants.. She doesn't cook for me.. She complains about washing my clothes.. She's always trying to argue.. So yeah.. Sorry if I want some positive attentive selfish attention from a man. I can't think of the last time she made me feel special so excuse me for wanting a little affection which from the guys that usually hit on me is exaggerated attention. And trust me I've tried to be this manly man she supposedly wants ever since we got married and I've given her more than enough compliments and affection so I'm not lacking there either. I've tried I really have tried.

Thanks for more info and I was never appreciated in both my marriages I was used for a provider for their lazy asses.
I fed the kids did all the laundry 99% of the cooking plus worked 70 to 80 hours a week.
Got bitched at for no reason so I know exactly what that feels like.
I divorced my first wife and kept custody of our kids and raised my 2 daughters by myself.
My second wife had a great job and for the first few years life was great but then she stopped working and turned into a pure demon from hell.
Soaked me for money, stole money from me to feed her gambling addiction.
I was just a wallet to her.
Life is tough no doubt.
All that is part of the reason I let my gay side out and just gave in to it.
Dating guys is a lot easier.

Tracii G now we're understanding each other..lol.. It sucks that there's women who can't see what I assume a lot of us type of men who dress are which is sensitive and passive..I hate conflict and love making good passionate loving memories with whoever I'm around and unfortunately for me I'm mostly around her. I've tried and don't want a divorce so my original post was me really trying to find an escape from this. It's been my reality for some time now and I just wanted some of that old affectionate fantasy life that I had at one time. Being complimented, admired, appreciated, spoiled. I'm sure you went through these feelings as well. While I have a strong sex drive and kinky side it's not what motivates me. I understood what I wanted from marriage and know what it should be but it isn't going as planned. I just want some positive exciting fun living again whether it's with her or a "admirer".

I wasn't dressing at the time of my first marriage and I am far from passive even now lol
She would bitch about something so I gave it right back to her sometimes when I thought she was wrong.
I tried in my second marriage to be understanding and a nice guy but after a few years she said I was too nice, too understanding and I needed to be a man and tell her no once in a while which I should have done.
She left and I haven't seen her since.
I am a paradox in the fact I an trans, do have a deff female side and that I despise some women and what they do to men.
I don't think I have ever explained my self in quite that much detail here.
Gay/trans ex outlaw biker that kicked ass and took names later.
I need to write a book LOL

Tracii, thanks for your openness, it helps in the understanding of many of your previous posts and why you react the way you do.

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Originally Posted by Tracii G

Gay/trans ex outlaw biker that kicked ass and took names later.
I need to write a book LOL

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Tracii,now that's a book I would read :)

Sophie

Plain & simple, if you are in an unhappy marriage, bite the bullet and split up. If you cheat and get caught she will use it against you in divorce court. Yes I know it's hard to do but it's better than living with a mean hurtful spouse. Just my opinion. Being a lying cheater doesn't solve the problem. Be an honorable man for Christ sake.

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Originally Posted by Tracii G

Gay/trans ex outlaw biker that kicked ass and took names later.
I need to write a book

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Originally Posted by t-girlxsophie

now that's a book I would read :)

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I am looking forward to the movie adaptation of that book.

Maggy... sounds like you're not with the ideal woman for you. In the long run, your kids are probably better off not being immersed in such an emotionally toxic environment. Be true to yourself. There's ALWAYS a way to extricate yourself from a less than loving relationship; just takes some guts and creativity.

It sounds like she is pulling high school girl tricks on you to try and get you upset to the point you leave.
Don't let her games dictate what you do or don't fall for her head games.
I would file myself and claim spousal abuse before she does.
Leaving is hard and the situation sucks we all get that but if you want to be happy and find love you have to do something because the love is not in the relationship now and once its gone its not coming back.

I also occasionally have that overwhelming MM urge. During those spells, I can be somewhat reckless. Fortunately, so far, I have not had the opportunity. I suppose I hope that my fantasy guy stays out of sight and out of touch. ... WAY too much to lose. Jade

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Originally Posted by Tracii G

Don't let her games dictate what you do or don't fall for her head games.
I would file myself and claim spousal abuse before she does.

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I am totally with Tracii on this. I know it's hard, but what you're describing is spouse abuse and the fact that you're a man (or CD, TG, NB or whatever) is irrelevant. I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for 9 years and it took me about 4 years to leave and 3 years to sort my head out afterwards. Add cheating into the mix and she'll be able to use your guilt as a lever over you as well. That's the last thing you need.

I agree with Eemz.

I think you should take steps to end this toxic marriage. I was in a bad marriage once too. Last thing you should do is cheat, get caught and give her ammo against you. I'm now in a relationship with a wonderful man

Maggy,
This topic is very old and discussed many times here.
It usually confront two groups of opinions, one could support you while the other condemns you based in morality.
I can say I'd been in both sides without being in a extreme or condemning anyone but when in the bisexual side I couldn't understand the moral guys and, honestly I used to find them hypocritas.
Without telling my whole story I can say that I thought I was bisexual and did so many things and sex with more men than women. I was promiscuous.. My sexual desire with wife and women was disappearing so fast that I arrive to the conclusion I was gay. In the search of gender identity I confused with sex and that's the reason I had sex with men.

Now is almost 7 months in HRT and that has produced several changes in my being. Beyond the physical changes, one of the biggest change was my sexual orientation. What in a time gave me so much pleasure today is completely unpleasant and more than that, I feel repulsion, regrets for that and the things I did, I'm talking about sex with men. With wife discovered new ways to have sex and we're everytime satisfied.

Even thought I'd like to say some things to try to avoid condemnation against people that's different from us. We all here, except cis women, are weird things for society and the standards of morality, so none of us could throw the rock.
Morality about cheating your spouse is very relative and changing, swingers are a good example.
Someone could say that a man having sex with other man is not cheating because the sex is different. Wives cannot give you and make you feel as a man does. I know someone said but is sex and you're cheating your wife. For that reasoning when masturbate you're cbeating.
When we are in one side our Moral doesn't let us see or understand the others point and reasons. Like in my case, now, I understand that there's a huge difference between sex and gender. no every one understand that and more people confuses it as one and the same thing and I'm sure that many of us had done things connecting our gender with your sexuality, some had being brave and did everything and others are more prudent and just dream, for me is the same, the desire is there, you're cheating in your mind.

For those who profecy a destructive tion of your marriage a d family, thats 100 percent sure.Not necessarily.

In my case that was the most horrible thing for my wife and has been very hard for us even talk about it because when I dress, her main concern and fear was that I do it trying to attract men. She was right.
I promised her never lay with men again and I'd been faithful but it wasn easy so Maggy I understand you.
Now she is slowly seeing the changes that hormones are doing to my body it mind too and she is more confident, but memories are painful for her and me too.
Conclusion: I recommend you therapy, gender therapy that would help you to find yourself without blame, shame or guilty feelings, after all this life is just one and the worst could happen us is to li e a fake life to please others. If you find out be a trasgender hormones will help you, and believe me the main effect reported for people under HRT is the peaceful feeling and clarity of mind to look the path on your own journey without the judgment of morality.
If in this road your wife would learn with you a out your sexual preferences and probably agree to spend the life with someone that's different for who she got married and live a happy life together.
Feel free to pm me if you would like to go deep in details.

Vanessa

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Originally Posted by Maggy999

I've always have had my crossdressing linked to my sexuality.. At 18 years old it got to another level when I met my first "DADDY". Being a shy person I always got hit on by girls even kissed and talked dirty but never went further than that. Well when I met my first "DADDY" On a Yahoo chat room it went a little different.. We chatted pretty heavily about fantasies that included us both together but sooner than later he was ordering things for me to wear and setting up a date for the first meet up. Unlike with girls I was excited and eager to be with him sexually right there and then.. Long story short at 18 I lost my virginity to this man I called DADDY and had no regrets about it.. Shortly after that experience I actually became more confident with girls and had sex with them as much as possible which was a lot.. Not showing off by the way it was true.. Anyways years have passed and I'm married now with kids and no lie am happy with where I am and where it can go but the craving for other things (being with men while dressed) just don't go away and I'm not fighting to let them go either. I've spoken to my wife about it so she knows.. Is she happy with it? No. Does she want any part of it? No. Am I considering going behind her back to fulfill these urge? Well.......... LOL let's just say it's hard to deal with.. So with that said.. Does anyone else deal with this?

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Like you, my dressing has always been linked with sex... but maybe not the same in terms of my actual sexual identity... but, my dressing is very much a fetish and I know that I have those same urges when I dress. In fact, it’s almost exclusively fantasies about being with men... not a particular man, just a random, faceless guy... I can honestly say that when I’m in “guy mode” (which is 99% of the time), I have absolutely zero attraction to men. But when I dress, it’s almost a complete 180. For me personally, I think it’s simply me wanting to take my dressing to a new level and try to Make the thrill and excitement I get from doing it more intense. Pardon the analogy, but almost the way a junkie talks about trying to recreate the way it felt the first time they shot up.

Obviously, if you’re married, you absolutely should not do it... the other posters are right... cheating is cheating, but I can guarantee you that if you do get caught the split will be one of the most painful and embarrassing as I’m sure she will drag your children family, and friends into it by revealing that she’s leaving because you engaged in sex with men while dressed as a woman. I thin the only way it would work is if the two of you agree to have an open marriage... and even then, I still doubt that thing would ever truly be the same between the two of you... I think she will ALWAYS view you as a homosexual afterwards. Whether she’s right or wrong in thinking that is irrelevant.. if she thinks it that way, then that’s the way you’ll be in her eyes.

That being said, if you’re going to cheat, then you’d better make damn sure you do not get caught.

My fantasies of being with men while dressed really only came into the picture in the last couple of years... I think it’s partly came about as my experimentation with dressing had evolved, but I also think it’s been triggered because each time I’ve actually opened up and told a woman about dressing, it’s gone badly and the relationship ended fairly quickly afterwards. Now, I’m convinced that I’ll never find a woman that will accept my dressing. Couple that with the fact that the responses and requests I get from my online profiles is almost exclusively from men, and it’s pretty inevitable that these fantasies about being with men will evolve as I try to find ANY way I can to actually dress and have interactions with someone other than myself.


Have you considered having a 3 way with another man so you can do it together? As bold as it might be, I actually think that may be the best way to satisfy your urges without hiding it from her.

This thread went from "I want to have sex with a man when I dress as a woman." to "My wife doesn't treat me fairly." pretty quickly.

A crossdressing forum is a great place to ask where to buy a new wig or what size breast forms would look good on me, but it's not a good place to get marriage advice. Nobody here knows you, your wife or your situation. Besides, we are not qualified to give you good advice. We only know from our own relationships.

My suggestion is to back away from the computer and find yourself a qualified marriage counsellor or divorce lawyer (you make the call) and spend some time getting good advice on your situation. Back away from crossdressing and sleeping with men until your marriage situation is stabilized one way or the other.

Best of luck.

But, I am not married. I am a divorced, older guy/girl, and Roxanne is at times ever so happy in a dress. And I too think of men, mostly daydreaming. But it would be so wonderful to cuddle in the evenings, and feel close, as a girl, to a nice partner. I would adore sleeping next to him, with my arm over him, and kissing him in the morning to wake him up! Oh, I know, I am a mixed up girl, but I do love it so!
Roxanne Lanyon

"My heart belongs to him"

I would say that instead of being “more attracted” to men when dressed, your dressing is giving you permission to experience the full extent of your feelings, which are being suppressed when you’re in drab.

Normally, I’d encourage girls to explore these feelings, but you're in a committed relationship, so it's game over unless you have a VERY open minded spouse.

Do I have fantasies? Of course I do.. we all have them. When I'm dressed I do have fantasies about being with another man.. CD/TV for sexual fun. But I'm married. We made commitments to each other. Promises of fidelity and truth. Your decision is either be married and hold to your oaths or... get a divorce and go play out your fantasies. JMTC

My two cents, I can't see how people do it with marriage. With all it's benefits, it's a restraint on your freedom and of the many topics discussed here and such an outdated and obsolete concept. I don't have capability to be faithful, so I sleep with who I want, but the complication is whether or not someone is clean.