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How am I meant to resolve a relationship matter. I’ve changed massively in the last 5 years...
So it went something like this.
Me: we have to work on change in our relationship and acceptance. Not asking for understanding but support even from a distance
Wife: why should I have to change. I’m not the one who’s changed. Why should “i” have to change.
She’s right but I don’t know how to explain why she should at least try to change. It keeps going back to “BUT WHY”
HELP!?
Change is inevitable. We all change weather we like it or not. I’m sure you wish she was still as young and thin and beautiful as the day you married her, but change happens. The key to an enduring marriage is changing together. The catch is that she has to want to make the marriage last and want to go on that journey of change with you. It sounds like you picked a path that she’s refusing to take.
I can tell you WHY my wife chose to make changes to accommodate this part of our life: because she loves me, cares about me, and sees how genuinely happy this makes me, but she also knows I will never love this more than her.
Perfect. Thank you.
I have used some of those key words. She still smiles and laughs with me. Don’t think I’ve lost the battle yet.
So challenging keeping it going when you are different in many ways particularly the unexpected ways....
Acceptance comes from understanding so you can't have one without the other and have it work.
You admitted you have changed so right there you have the crux of the problem.
You have changed and she hasn't so now she has to change her attitudes about everything because you want her to?
Thats pretty self centered isn't it.
She didn't sign up for your change you forced it on her.
You need to understand she doesn't have to accept the change if she doesn't choose to.
Imagine she was wanting to act and dress like a male all the time how would you take that ?
Its about the both of you its a relationship..............you have to work at it.
You sound like my wife exactly there in the context given. How can I disagree. BUT as I think there’s more to me than just this change in me (which is drastic granted) I have to prove my worth.
Happy to do that but it degrades part of what makes me - me. I have to justify the change. I try to get her to look at the whole picture. If this is all I am then it’s over. But we have so much more hence why we are still working at it.
My problem is explaining this side of me to my wife who will NEVER understand it. It’s hard work being honest. I just hope we last the distance.
I love this part of the quote: "I will never love this more than her".Quote:
Originally Posted by Micki_Finn
Try to understand why you dress and why it is important (to you) for her to be on board with your dressing. Let her know what your priorities are. She probably has many questions. It's best to be honest. If you don't know the answers now, ask her if you both can revisit the questions at a later date.
This may also happen. You can't force someone to understand you. Try not to take the attitude that "she will NEVER understand". She may surprise you. It may take some more time and effort to help her TRY to understand.Quote:
by Tracii
She didn't sign up for your change you forced it on her.
You need to understand she doesn't have to accept the change if she doesn't choose to.
Your wife may be willing to compromise but change doesn't usually happen quickly. Be patient, communicate, and see how it plays out.
You must remember, it is not just all about you. You got married, that means everything you do you should do as one.
My wife knew about my dressing before we where married, so there was no surprise. We did set up some ground rules,
Like no going out dressed, I would never pass, so that was no problem.
One thing I did on a regular bases, I put her first. Just about anything she wanted or needed I made sure she got it.
Now,I did not go crazy, but never forger the special days in her life, Etc.
Another thing you might say, is that this is part of you, tell her how much you love her, and will try to keep her trust in you.
Regardless of what you are wearing, you are still her Husband, and you will always love her all the time.
Say to her, she does not have to change, just try to accept you for what you are.
Good luck
rader
Change is part of being human. Learning incorporates change. Every time we learn something new, it creates a small change in us.
If you have changed massively in the past 5 years, then it would be difficult to expect her to reciprocate with massive changes. She may have some basic needs that includes being loved, protected and respected by a man. She may regard your female alter-ego as competition for her man. How can she compete against your female self?
Insisting that she has to try to change may be the wrong approach. Perhaps you could tell her that you love her, and she is the most important thing in your life. However you recognize that you are a crossdresser. Wearing some feminine clothes just makes you happy, reduces stress, provides pleasure, and is part just part of your self identity. You know this creates a problem for your relationship, and you need to find a workable solution. Tell her that you need her help in finding a workable solution. Tell her you are willing to make your best effort to stay within any boundaries she will set for you. Keep communications open is very important. I suspect that she fears things are out of control, and giving her the controls may help. I also suspect that you need to be willing to accept that she is only capable of allowing you small steps. Relish these small steps.
Love this, thank you.
Besides the dressing, how have you changed? What does 'massively' mean? What was your relationship like before?
Hard to be specific. One thing to remember is that times can be tough. People change, sometimes slowly and sometimes with a shift, like a 'eureka' moment. But the thing to remember is that people seldom change at the same rate. She's changed, whether either of you realize it or not. She'll change more in her own space and in her own time and no amount of prodding will do it.
In your relationship there are three entities to nurture. There's you, there's your wife, and there is the third entity that is the two of you as a relationship. You need to feed and nurture all three and it is a balancing act. Nurturing the relationship is probably the most important, but right now she probably needs more nurturing just now. Not a kind of 'see how much I love you?' sort of way, but if you truly put her at the center of your world because you truly love her, the more she will be nurtured and in her own time will be ready to nurture the relation ship along with you.
Be present. Be in love. Be with her.
I don’t think she is under any obligation to change. Key word is obligation. That doesn’t mean that she might find some value in considering some accommodation of your changes.
I made a really big mistake in my marriage. Yes, she knew I was “a cross dresser” before we got married, but I downplayed it. Then, for whatever reasons, I changed and foolishly thought I could incrementally coax her into higher levels of tolerance. I gradually allowed myself greater openness of expression, but what I failed to do was to engage her intellectually and emotionally in what I was doing. She felt I’d become someone else, rather than seeing this as a hidden part that was slowly allowed expression.
I can’t put in to words.
I feel I’ve let my wife down.
It’s heartwarming but a reality checking reading people’s comments.
She married a straight forward guy.
She wanted the simple life.
I ruined it all.
I’m going to go for a bit as it’s too much. Getting emotional over it.
Thank you all. I do appreciate it.
Fingers crossed I get to figure out the mess out I’ve created. 😐
Dannie,
I'm going to pose the question that isn't the case that your SO has no reason not to change. Now at this point I have to admit to a certain amount of hypocrisy as I'm totally in the closet. I put my hands up, I lack the fortitude to come clean. However now that you're out why is it your SO feels that acceptance is such a game changer?
You are the person she married. When you revealed yourself firstly she didn't walk out the door so it's not a line that can't be crossed. You're still together so it can't be that bad.
I have a strategy. If someone says that's not acceptable I ask "Why"? This makes that person think about their real reasons for rejecting something and often it's nothing more than a knee jerk reaction based upon the prejudices society has bred into us since birth. Okay you found out I CD. Did the pound fall against the dollar? Did the price of crude oil rise? Has the price of food gone up? In truth that knowledge effects nothing of real significance in our lives. The sun shines (hopefully soon), life goes on.
I acknowledge that if someone then goes on to say I'm going to Trans, hormones, surgery, the full nine yards then that's requires a different approach but at the moment you seem a long way off that. Would it be such a big thing if you announced you were becoming a goth, a skin head, a druid, would any of those provoke a similar reaction? Yet any of those has the potential to impact way more upon both your lives.
Don't rush, take it steady. It's a genie out of it's bottle. If you say you'll never dress again the doubt will remain for both of you. The key is of course quiet conversation. I would suggest asking what it is that trulyI bothers her about your dressing. If she can articulate fully ideas then there's a case to answer. However they need to be valid, not based in out dated prejudices.
Yours,
hypocrite yet to out themselves!
Fact: Everyone knows they'll change and so will their direction(s) their entire life. But, no one knows for sure HOW they'll change. Much less how their life partner will!:straightface:
Fact: People don't often factor in changes when they marry. Or, unrealistic ones if they do. My ex thot she could change me and I thot she wouldn't change. In time, I wouldn't change but she did! Leaving us both disappointed.:sad:
Fact: In Calif. over 50% of marriages end in divorce. Plus, I'm aware of a number of couples that live together as roommates long after intimacy and affection between them has vanished!:thumbsdn:
Dannie: If u both want to make it work? U will!:thumbsup:
When my dressing came out I asked my wife if she was thinking of getting a divorce. She said no so the only other option was to work on the relationship. Once it was decided the relationship was worth saving it opened the door for better communication.
Keep in mind it takes time. My wife is accepting, but it took two - three years. Another thing is I told my wife that I wanted to include her in my dressing. I believe that helped so it was not just "my thing".
Quote:
Originally Posted by Micki_Finn
Beautifully said, Micki. That sums it up well for me as well, and in my mind, there are few stronger ways a wife can assert her love for you.
But that last line is so true as well, and underscores that a successful CD/SO marriage is a two way street, but once the two of you can walk that street together, the rewards will be great for both of you.
Chelsea
I am glad to see you read each response Dannie.
Hard truths sometimes need to be heard. It may not be what you want to hear but you got a dose of reality which is a positive and it caused you to stop and think.
This really says it all, do it or fail.Quote:
Originally Posted by Micki_Finn
Well I’m open sexually where that’s never been discussed. I mean this in regards to sexuality. That’s changed how she sees me and cannot be undone.
My legs are shaved and remain that way out of preference, they never were before. That can be a turn off for her.
She knows I prefer female clothes to mens.
If I could which she would never allow. That would be my MAIN wardrobe. And choice of clothing/underwear.
She knows I would love to go out dressed up.
She knows my goal is to be passable. Which I think in the right setting I could be.
She knows I like drag or anything related to dressing up.
There’s more I’m sure but I guess these are the main ones. All this was not there before. I can understand how that might make her feel.
Update: tonight she wants to talk. I get the impression she is ending it. We have been here a few times. I just hope this isn’t IT.
I have to do the whole convincing it can work conversation. Wish me luck!
Because you said this:
and she heard this:Quote:
we have to work on change in our relationship and acceptance. Not asking for understanding but support even from a distance
Quote:
we have to work on change in our relationship and acceptance. Not asking for understanding but support even from a distance
'Nuff said?
Dannie,
Your wife is only partially right . Lets put the shoe on the other foot and imagine if you wife declared to you that she was Bi and had lesbian thoughts . Change would be inevitable so what's the differnce , you have declared you are a CDer and possibly TG . That is a huge declaration for any man to make , he has announced that he has a trait or need inside has to now come to terms with it .
I faced this DADT wall it's a short term fix , burying heads in the sand doesn't help anyone , if your wife said , " I'm not sure how I can help but I will try ". it would mean she thinks enough of you to hold on what she has . I had all this with my counselling , she wouldn't participate , I was the one who needed fixing almost as if it was a cure .
To deny and suppress another human being is bordering mental cruelty , my gender counsellor couldn't believe how I'd lived with the suppression for so long . I'm afraid your wife must change otherwise she will be the loser in the end , she may not see it like that because she may be like my wife thinking she is in total control , when I told her that in a phone call she slammed the phone down on me !
After reading your second reply I'm wondering if she might think twice if you sought counselling , all my GPs have been very supportive in this way . At least it looks as if you are trying to find some answers , she may not like them but at least she can then decide if she wants to keep the relationship healthy . I'm not saying separation/ divorce is the road to take but please remeber the World doesn't end , you atre both youing enough to build new lives , even after 44 years I'm happier and now so is my wife , I'm afraid these things do happen .
Thank you all again. I’m hopeful. I don’t see myself as transgender or with anyone else for that matter. I just need to uphold my end of the marriage and hope she wants to keep going as well. Signs are positive specially with a more gentle approach. She will never be understanding fully but with baby steps I’m hoping she will get used to it if it means saving us. I suggested to focus on one aspect. Get use to that then go from there. She has asked some great questions tonight. Had I always known? Do you think it’s Hereditary? I was thankful she was asking questions and told her so. Night ended positively with a hug and a kiss. 🙂
Glad to hear you talked some of it over.
Thank you. I like your straight talking approach to comments here. I don’t mind constructive criticism or hard truths. For me that can only help better someone else’s approach. Like mine!
Might not agree on everything with everyone but hey that’s politics. I expect the same back... 👍💁*♀️
Ok that's more positive Dannie. Take it in baby steps like you said. The fact she's asking questions is good; try to answer as honestly as possible even if you don't think she'll like the answer. And don't promise things you can't deliver. The only way forward is to get everything out in the open now. My opinion anyway.
I agree. And I said exactly that. I’ll be honest with my answers. Thank you.
I have to go back to the original post (#1). What is your ultimate goal? Many times on this forum I read "take it slow." On the flip side maybe "take it slow" means "give an inch and he'll take a mile." Ultimately, he may have reached his objective. Maybe the entire thing blows up in his face. Sort of the "straw that broke the camel's back." I've been on this site long enough to notice the absence of some who were active and also pushing their own agenda, but, they are no longer here. Why? Did it all blow up in their faces?
Even comments indicating "she knew before we were married" does not necessarily means she knew what she was signing up for and whether she could handle it later. What I have read so far does not indicate any sort of compromise. Is it a case of blind acceptance without any qualifications or limitations?
You can lay it all out as to how you feel and what your needs are, but, what about her feelings and needs? Hope you and anyone in a similar situation may resolve these issues.
My agenda is. Acceptance from my wife. Retaining what I have despite the changes. And knowing I’m not alone in this journey or ever going to be alone. To put it short.
For me there is just one thing to discuss with wife: do we still loving each other? If that's real there is will.to adapt, ith to any change.
A husband or wife could have an accident t and won't be able to work or do whatever and need 100% time of support from the spouse. Is that a reason to stop loving him/her? To be a crossdresser is something tons of times less critic than that. So a loving wife should be willing to do changes.
By the other hand, a loving crossdresser husband must be ready to do concession, meaning give time to wife to adapt, slow, to her pace.
That was my case. Today I'm more than a crossdresser, not in the meaning of be a better person but a more drastic change.
I would leave her and start being a woman 2 years ago, but I wait, today we, both are adapting to my changes but with love, if no love, there's no reason to keep together him le opinion.