Lara, I certainly agree with what I think you're saying. But before commenting on this whole topic, I think it's well to remember what somebody (whose name I've regrettably forgotten) once observed. Namely, that
A person's sex is the first thing people notice... and the last thing they forget!
It's very true. I'm sure that trait is wetwired into our brains over thousands, maybe millions of years of evolution, in the same way that we automatically assess whether a stranger we encounter is likely to be a "friend" or a "threat," and categorize them accordingly. To start with, at any rate.
And if they're unable to categorize a person's sex, people are bothered by it. An appearance that's androgynous enough to cause real confusion results in cognitive dissonance. People scratch their heads until they've figured it out, one way or the other. That's the way people are, and we can't expect them to be otherwise than the way Nature programmed us.
While I'm at it, with so much talk about the complexities of "gender," it's important not to forget the simplicity of that plain English word "sex." The distinction is necessary and useful. "Sex" of course is anatomical and ultimately genetic. "Gender," or gender identity, more to the point, is psychological; it's inside our heads. Of course that's more complicated; it may or may not match our genetic sex, it may switch from one to the other, or be altogether uncertain. But people can't see inside our heads; they can't tell what "gender" (if any) we really are, so they can only judge by external appearances: by which sex we seem to be presenting as on any given occasion.
I absolutely agree with you that it's polite and respectful to address someone according to whatever sex they seem to be presenting as at the time. Even if they don't quite "pass," but are clearly trying their best to do so, the sex they're externally presenting obviously reflects their internal gender identity, or anyway the gender they wish to be at the time.
Conversely, if somebody presenting as female is "sir-ed with emphasis", as Rhonda Jean described, that sounds deliberately insulting.
However, there are obviously cases where people are genuinely uncertain which sex someone appears to be, or is presenting as--or their intention in doing so. Sometimes people may, out of politeness, deliberately try to avoid using gendered pronouns--possibly with clumsy results (like Samm's "you people"). At other times they may simply use the wrong pronound altogether. Considering the confusion people struggle with in trying to categorize a person, these slips deserve to be freely forgiven.
Personally I'm not sure I've ever seen an authentic "man in a dress" (it's "MIAD," not "MAID"!). But I suppose if I did see someone trying to look obviously male in spite of the dress, I'd call him "sir." The nearest I can come to that was a guy I once saw waiting at the gate in O'Hare airport. He was thirtyish, with a fine male body, wearing sparkling women's sandals, tight women's shorts, a tank top that showed off his muscular chest, some jewelry, and maybe some makeup? (that part, and the hair, I can't remember for sure). Perfectly androgynous! Was this a transsexual who'd prefer being addressed as "she"? I doubt it. I put him down in my mind as "gay," "flamboyant," and answering to "sir." But you never can tell.
On the other hand a colleague named Chuck turned up one night at a Halloween party wearing a dress, having just been out with friends at a restaurant. If I were a waiter, would I call him "sir" or "ma'am"? There we have a choice, because despite the dress, he obviously wasn't "trying" to pass--and having a prominent beard and a male hairstyle did not help! He was not (as far as I know!) a practicing MIAD in private, so I'm sure this was just a Halloween stunt. "Sir" should not be objectionable, though "ma'am" would still be better on the grounds of "going along with the joke," if nothing else.
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Eemz
Pronouns in general - you'll see I've used "they" a lot in the first paragraph (actually I haven't used "he" or "she" at all in this post). That was deliberate to illustrate why some non-binary people use "they/them", because it's already an established way in standard English for telling a story about a person where their gender is not important. "I asked the bartender for another beer but they said I'm too drunk". The gender of the bartender is not relevant to the story, so "they".
Two comments on this. First, a "bartender" is my mind is male. If it's a female, I'd call her a "barmaid"!
However, that's by the way. ;) My main point is that while we do use "they" and "them" in that way, it's usually when the person's sex is unknown, not simply because it's "unimportant." So if I take a genuinely unisex term like "bank teller," we might hear from someone that the teller refused to cash a check, and in relating this to someone else we might refer to the teller as "they" because we never heard if it was a man or a woman. But if we did know, even though that fact was unimportant, we'd still normally refer to the teller as "he" or "she" as the case may be. That's unless we're deliberately trying to hide the sex of the teller, for whatever obscure reason.
In summary, I'm afraid "non-binary" people who want to be called "they" or "them" are just going to be SOL. People at large do "think binary," and they automatically categorize people by sex. For that matter I dare say most people, like Lara, don't want to be routinely addressed as "them" either. To deprive people of a gender identity, when most people do want one--or better still, two!--is to deprive them of a prized part of their personhood as a whole. It's one step toward reducing them to an "it." And the very purpose of "crossdressing" in the minds of most crossdressers is to assume a desired gender identity, however different from the one they were born with. Consequently people at large are going to go on addressing one another with gendered pronouns. Anyway they have no way of recognizing those few people who really want to be called "they" or "them," so how are they going to tell?
So my suggestion is to just pick a sex and go with it. If you don't like it, you can always change it tomorrow!
