Shopping, a bigger challenge for those of us in dadt

I'm posting this thought in the crossdressing instead of clothing forum as it's about how dadt shop and not about fitting clothes, makeup or how to dress. I'm focusing specifically on those who are dadt and do not go out in the RW and struggle with how and where to shop. I understand that some are going to say "just do it" and to some extent I can do that but it's more complicated for some of us due to where we live and who we could possibly run into. Where I live we have a couple thrift stores and a dollar store. It's not just the clerks because I can handle that, it would be easy. My fear is running into family members and friends which could happen easily as this isn't that big of a town.

My solution has been to shop in another suburb for intimate things at an adult gift shop, for wigs at a costume store, and for makeup at the dollar store and always in stealth man mode buying for "her". I'm at a place where I would like to dress more completely with wig and makeup at least a couple times a week. I am dadt and she doesn't want to see me so that along with her paying our bills I haven't been doing any online shopping where I would likely get a better fit than when I nervously grab the first thing off the shelf. Right now the way I'm doing my shopping at the adult gift store I put off the vibe of an old woman still trying to look sexy so another advantage of expanding my shopping is that I'll be dressed more age appropriate which in turn may give me the confidence to go out en femme. I know that a lot of you out there are in much easier to manage situations and would suggest that I just strut into the store and shop but I struggle with that right now, maybe if things keep progressing as they are now I will strut in and shop one of these days. For now I just need a work around so that I can increase my wardrobe without getting busted in the thrift store by a relative.

My wife took over the bill paying decades ago and does a great job with the financial details so I just left it that way. Now I'd like to make some online purchases which would be my best option but I can't use a credit card or have the packages delivered to my home. I'm afraid to get a card that can have value added because an address is required and I don't want any mailings coming to the house. After some research I found out that gift cards do not require an address or send out mailings so purchasing on a gift card and having packages delivered to a friends residence would make stealth shopping a possibility.

So what have some of you other dadt stealth sisters done to resolve this problem?

Wow, Star!..I "get" DADT...I'm in that kind of a situation myself, but yours is at a whole different level. Not to be unkind, but is she your wife and partner or the prison warden? Sounds as if you gave full control of all aspects of your life to your wife years ago, and especially on the financial side. Does she at least give you an "allowance" since she seems to control the purse strings in all other areas, including having every bill that comes into your house pass through her hands for scrutiny and comment before payment?

Not sure that I can give you any advice that will be meaningful here. The pattern that you have set with your wife as to who gets to do (and control) what was established years ago, and is probably set in stone at this point. Short of a major upheaval with your wife with unknown consequences should you insist on a different status quo in all aspects of your relationship, I don't see any other way out of your predicament.

Its tough being in DADT situation. Dressing gives me great pleasure like a hobby would. Not sure I can pass but who of us are totally sure. I manage he budget but my wife can buy anything she likes. I don't think shevever looks at the check book. I just make sure everything gets paid. Must be working my wife and I both have a very high credit score

A few years back I had a hobby (unrelated to CDing) that my wife didn't want to know about, and I wanted the freedom to pursue without explaining myself. So I opened a personal checking account that had a debit card connected to it. When I got some money it would be deposited in that account, then I could shop online without the SO being involved. She knew I was spending money, but didn't know what it was for.

It was a workable solution. The hardest part was getting the discretionary cash to deposit.

Good Luck.

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Originally Posted by Leslie Langford

Wow, Star!..I "get" DADT...I'm in that kind of a situation myself, but yours is at a whole different level. Not to be unkind, but is she your wife and partner or the prison warden? Sounds as if you gave full control of all aspects of your life to your wife years ago, and especially on the financial side. Does she at least give you an "allowance" since she seems to control the purse strings in all other areas, including having every bill that comes into your house pass through her hands for scrutiny and comment before payment?

Not sure that I can give you any advice that will be meaningful here. The pattern that you have set with your wife as to who gets to do (and control) what was established years ago, and is probably set in stone at this point. Short of a major upheaval with your wife with unknown consequences should you insist on a different status quo in all aspects of your relationship, I don't see any other way out of your predicament.

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She's handling paying the various bills by mutual agreement and we discuss finances. Our agreement probably has as much to do with me recently retiring from accounting work and wanting to concentrate on artistic pursuits for the rest of my days rather than crunching more numbers. Anyways, it's a mutual agreement and I do have plenty to spend but as my posts says, I am curious how other dadt handle their shopping and am not asking where they get their money to buy their things. Thanks for the concerns, you say that you're also dadt so I'd like to hear how you handle your shopping keeping in mind that dadt usually means no discussion and no finding girly things which includes package deliveries.

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Originally Posted by JessieMae

A few years back I had a hobby (unrelated to CDing) that my wife didn't want to know about, and I wanted the freedom to pursue without explaining myself. So I opened a personal checking account that had a debit card connected to it. When I got some money it would be deposited in that account, then I could shop online without the SO being involved. She knew I was spending money, but didn't know what it was for.

It was a workable solution. The hardest part was getting the discretionary cash to deposit.

Good Luck.

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I reread my original post and don't know how it gave the impression that I can't spend money without her approval. I get a monthly va check above our normal retirement that is mine to spend as I see fit and have a good retirement and investments so money is not a problem. Evidently I didn't make that clear that the only reason I talked about plastic money and gift cards was to make clear that credit cards will do mailings but I could for example get a $100 gift card and there is no identification or mailings with those. That is what I'm putting out there, not where can I get some money but rather how do you do your shopping, walk right into the store, grab a dress and go to the fitting room or discretely online and if so what payment methods are used.

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I still have the credit card from my former credit union but she still pays the bill and has since the 1980's. Changing that agreement insisting on me paying a specific bill and all of a sudden getting packages of clothing that I would have to refuse to show her or tell her what I ordered would not fly. It's really not a bad arrangement and wouldn't be a problem under any other circumstances than having a frustrated husband in a pink fog.

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Originally Posted by Kendra Sue

Its tough being in DADT situation. Dressing gives me great pleasure like a hobby would. Not sure I can pass but who of us are totally sure. I manage he budget but my wife can buy anything she likes. I don't think shevever looks at the check book. I just make sure everything gets paid. Must be working my wife and I both have a very high credit score

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Top of the line credit here as well so no money problems. Just the typical shopping apprehension that some of us more self conscious dadt crossdressers have doing the things that those in more favorable circumstances take for granted.

One place that is really good to shop discretely is Cracker Barrel. Believe it or not I have gotten some pretty nice things there, and because everything is mixed up you can move over a bit and you are looking at men?s things or even toys. Then if you buy something you can say it?s for the wife. Come to think of it, the dress I have on in my profile came from there. As for payments you have a bigger problem. You will probably have to save up spare cash if she has all the financial records. I don?t have that problem as my wife hates doing financials so she does not track expenses ? good thing too. You could get your own card and make cash deposits to it for online purchases.

I almost hate revealing what I do because people will see how devious I can be. I have a UPS box at the UPS store. All my things from online are delivered there. I get a text and email when a package is delivered. Occasionally I receive mail flyers sent to my home address from online purchases. I snagged one from Barenecessities.com not long ago. It typically just looks like junk mail. You just have to be really careful about entering the ship to and billing addresses correctly. You would not want breast forms to show up at your house. That would be hard to explain.
Lastly you have to have a good place to hide the stash. Mine is under fiberglass in the attic. No one is going to touch it there, but the wig has to be stored in a cooler environment as it can be damaged by high heat.

Give CrackerBarrel a look. It?s a good place to go when not at peak hours.

Sandi

You should look at gift cards.com. They have virtual Visa cards that can be used online.

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Originally Posted by Shannon michelle

You should look at gift cards.com. They have virtual Visa cards that can be used online.

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That is the conclusion that I have come to as well. There are prepaid gift cards where I can put the amount of cash on them I want and they do not have a name attached to them or send out mailings. Then it will only be a simple matter of having them delivered to a CD friend's house who has offered to take my deliveries. Those are the kinds of details I had in mind when I posted, practical suggestions that might give me some ideas that I haven't thought of. Thanks to everybody who has replied and offered suggestions, concerns and advice.

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Originally Posted by Sandi Beech

One place that is really good to shop discretely is Cracker Barrel. Believe it or not I have gotten some pretty nice things there, and because everything is mixed up you can move over a bit and you are looking at men?s things or even toys. Then if you buy something you can say it?s for the wife. Come to think of it, the dress I have on in my profile came from there. As for payments you have a bigger problem. You will probably have to save up spare cash if she has all the financial records. I don?t have that problem as my wife hates doing financials so she does not track expenses ? good thing too. You could get your own card and make cash deposits to it for online purchases.

I almost hate revealing what I do because people will see how devious I can be. I have a UPS box at the UPS store. All my things from online are delivered there. I get a text and email when a package is delivered. Occasionally I receive mail flyers sent to my home address from online purchases. I snagged one from Barenecessities.com not long ago. It typically just looks like junk mail. You just have to be really careful about entering the ship to and billing addresses correctly. You would not want breast forms to show up at your house. That would be hard to explain.
Lastly you have to have a good place to hide the stash. Mine is under fiberglass in the attic. No one is going to touch it there, but the wig has to be stored in a cooler environment as it can be damaged by high heat.

Give CrackerBarrel a look. It?s a good place to go when not at peak hours.

Sandi

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They only have one location in my state and it's over 50 miles right through the heart of the City so I'll probably be able to find better options closer to home but thanks for the suggestion.

Star,
We're the same age so my reply maybe more relevant .

I faced many of your problems so I'm not going to tell you , " Just do it !" I promised my wife that my dressing wouldn't cost a fortune because she was also the wage earner after I retired so I was prepared to use charity shops . She wasn't happy but insisted I shopped away from home , OK I admit I found some lovely bargains in my own home town . Trying on was difficult but at least most UK charity shops will give refunds .

Now I wouldn't call it strutting into shops , I shop like any GG would but it has taken time so you need to be patient and build your confidence gradually , you don't want to risk a put down and a setback from a SA .

Just a suggestion but have you tried Oxfam Online , they do ship Worldwide , give an excellent sizing guide on most clothes and will also accept returns , all the top labels are listed .

I think you covered your bases in your original post. You have to shop out of town, you have to use cash... what else? Nobody looks at you weird if you buy women’s clothes in guy mode. Especially with the holidays coming up. Go to Kohl’s if you need to try stuff on as they don’t use attendants so no one will see your girly stuff.

If you want to shop online, use gift cards and PO Boxes, or you can get a mailbox at most ups stores or places like that.

Being in a DADT would be the worst.

Get a prepaid card all they have ever mailed me was the card. Then you cam shop on line. Send to a pick up box or FedEx pick up location or as you said a friends place. I use prepaid for online because my account had been jacked before shopping online so I put money on prepaid buy what I want then there is no money for crooks to steal. And I never have to deal with getting new cards.

Prepaid cards sounds like a good idea in that situation.

prepaid gift cards or cash. To be even more stealthy, a PO box and have your bank account linked to that address, because even if you are paperless - you still get mailings.

As for shopping - I just buy stuff and act like it's normal. No sneaking around with SA's. I have befriended quite a few with my honesty. Even as I shop en-drab.


Amazon is a great place for getting various items from breast forms, wigs, clothing, makeup, etc.... Now they have Amazon lockers popping up everywhere that make it more convenient if you are worried about receiving stuff at home.

Prepaid cards and cash and I rarely buy anything online.

I get prepaid cards at Walmart. You can basically put as much as you want on one. I have most of my orders sent to where I work. I tell my secretary my wife just has her online orders sent there because our dog loves to tear packages apart after being dropped off by the UPS guy. All of this is true! She has had several packages sent to my work because of the dog, but I?ve found a way to capitalize on this! Plus, in case if a package ever shows up partially opened, well it?s stuff for my wife! Ok, that part may not be true. The things we do... -Meg

Amazon has worked out great for me. You can even by an Amazon gift card and shop with it. Have it delivered to a locker. If you have a Kohl’s by you, you can return your Amazon purchases that you do not want, fit, etc. and they ship it back for you. You do not even have to package it yourself. That could work with most purchases...returning breast forms...maybe not so much if you are in man stealth mode.

I umpire softball games and that's my play money. Initially, I spent that money mostly on golf and homebrewing. When I decided to wear panties 24/7, I used this fund for those purchases. Now, most of what I purchase from this fund is lingerie.

PayPal can be your friend as well - no tracking of cash transferred there

If you just need your Amazon activity to be "out of sight" there are easy ways to do that. You can delete items on your browsing history and archive your orders. Amazon typically recommends that I use a locker when I order women's clothes.

My biggest challenge any more is making the time for an enjoyable shopping trip. I've been able to ruched over during lunch, hurry and make my selections, then rush back to work. I prefer a nice leisurely experience, when I can have chats with my favorite SAs and just look at clothes and imagine the possibilities. Those days will return, I'm sure.

Amazon gift card, shipped to an Amazon locker.

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Originally Posted by Maid_Marion

Amazon typically recommends that I use a locker when I order women's clothes.

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This made me LOL. How do they know?!

I suspect they are just trying to utilize these more to lower the last mile delivery cost. It seems to pop up for me for all my purchases ...... I think :)

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Originally Posted by JenniferMBlack

Get a prepaid card all they have ever mailed me was the card. Then you can shop on line. Send to a pick up box or FedEx pick up location or as you said a friends place. I use prepaid for online because my account had been jacked before shopping online so I put money on prepaid buy what I want then there is no money for crooks to steal. And I never have to deal with getting new cards.

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I do pretty much the same. If you have cash, buy a gift (prepaid) card. I usually get mine at Safeway, but they also have them at CVS. It's called giftcardmall.com. I get either Visa cards of eBay cards.

Visa cards can be used anywhere. However, you can only use them on eBay if you open a PayPal account. The Visa cards charge a service fee up front of about $6. It's also hard to spend the last few dollars, because you can't combine two Visa cards on the same purchase.

eBay gift cards can only be used on eBay. I always use them with my PayPal card, but I'm not sure if PayPal is required. There is no fee for eBay gift cards. You buy a $50 card, you have $50 to spend. You can combine multiple eBay gift cards for a single purchase.

I have a PO box where I mail my purchases to. Sometimes, they stuff them into my box, and other times I have to pick them up at the counter during business hours. A PO box costs me $60 every 6 months. My Post Office also allows me to use its actual street address and they will accept UPS, Fedex and DHL packages mailed to the street addresses. Pricing may be cheaper at some Post Offices, and not all POs will accept packages sent to their street addresses.

A UPS box costs about $30 per month, but the will accept "Will Call" packages without renting a box for $5 per package as long as long as you notify them in advance. Price data and policy information is way out of date so check with them directly. UPS boxes use their street addresses, and I think that they accept packages from all carriers.

If you use gift cards purchased with cash, and send packages to a box, your pretty unlikely yo get caught as long as you have a separate email address for your girl.

Of course you can also use Amazon boxes if you buy from Amazon.

I just go shopping. I don't worry if I see people I know. They know I'm married so assume I'm buying a gift.
I also buy a lot from eBay. A lot of sellers use the Click & Collect (C&C) system where you choose to have your package delivered to a C&C store instead of your home address.

Just about every store I patronize has on-line ordering. If I want I can buy a gift card with cash at any retail store. There are kiosks all over. I buy gifts cards at my local grocery store for stores I normally patronize because I get fuel points towards gasoline purchases. I also get 1% back on the grocery store rewards card, and, another 1% back when charged to my Visa or Mastercard. Since you want to fly under the radar I would not recommend doing what I do. Macy's, JC Penny, Target, Kohl's have order on line and pickup at the store. I order dresses and lingerie on line and pickup at the 'will call' desk. You can pay with the store gift card. Many stores also allow the purchaser to also list another person authorized to pickup the package. If you're too shy to pickup ladies' wear, then order under your wife's name with your name as an authorized person to pickup the order.

As others have stated you may order on Amazon with its gift card and have it delivered to a lock box with a single use access code.

As to the DADT you state your wife does NOT want to see you. DADT implies a wife knows which is totally different than a wife having zero knowledge. I can understand not ruffling her feathers too much, but, sneaking around would be way too stressful for me. If you have your separate VA disability check then financial considerations are not an issue. My wife knows I am a cross dresser. She is an ostrich when it comes to my cross dressing. Not a snide comment or a bad word since the mid 1980's. All our accounts are joint. All our funds and credit cards are joint. She never checks the credit card statements. That annoys me. Basically she has no clue about our finances. I have to leave her a road map just in case I fail to wake up in the morning.......dying in my white nightie and panty. Level with your wife and tell her you need a little more freedom to pursue your cross dressing. Negotiate some boundaries or come to a better understanding of each other's needs.

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Originally Posted by Tracii G

Being in a DADT would be the worst.

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There are worse situations, trust me. DADT would be an improvement for me.

I agree with Abby, I am in a DADT marriage and I certainly wish for more acceptance but I feel being in the closet with nobody knowing would be worse, at least for me.

hello Star,
I shop in person, paying cash. I usually choose to shop early in the morning when the shops are quieter but do not shop on my local "high street". Certain times of year such as now in the lead up to Christmas are easier - I hope that the sales assistants assume that a man my age buying women's underwear is buying an inappropriate present for a loved one. My wife knows not to ask "what did you buy?" when I sneak things in and hide them - it might be a Christmas present for her!
luv J