My Elephant has left the room...

Yes she has.

I've had in mind to start this thread for a while, a play on one from many years ago that can be found here...

https://www.crossdressers.com/forums...light=elephant

...which I am re-reading (it is proving to be a long read) in preparation of a discussion about a brand new perspective and direction. Not sure where this will take us but it may or may not be a fun ride. Stay tuned.

The Elephant In My Room thread is rekindling many memories. Experiences. People. Gosh, those who I consider(ed) dear friends, even if only in these pages, who disappeared as abruptly as they appeared. All remain close to my heart but some even closer by virtue of being close to them IRL. I have not been a good friend over the last couple years but reading this new thread and how it unfolds may offer some semblance of an explanation. Still, it doesn't make it right, at least for now.

Reading this again makes my eyes heavy with the weight of tears held back with clenched teeth. Yet I am buoyed by feeling this emotion for that which resides in the past and perhaps promise for what the future might hold. Unsure where this new thread will go because these pages are so much different than they were 7+ years ago. It seems worth a try. For now, dig into the old Elephant thread. I dare to say there is a lot of wisdom there.

I'm not sorry you've given up dressing. Because for many dressers it's more a curse than blessing!:doh:
I'm guessing this will make your life easier and happier?:)

However, I can tell u Sherry and I have, and will, miss Sara a lot!:sad:

I also miss so many of the posters on your old thread that have either abandoned their elephants or have graduated from CD school and moved on to become women!:battingeyelashes:

Happy new year and life, girl friend!:drink:

Sara you cannot desert us! not at all, you were a great help to me in my early days, we need your valuable insight into this world of ours, don't go please,

Bobbi, your words mean a lot to me. I have not deserted anyone. All will be revealed in the coming days/weeks/months. I have a story to share and this seems like a good place to do it. Knowing there are friends like you who actually give a hoot matters tremendously.

Sherry, I promise you and I will share over coffee before this thread winds down. I haven't given up anything, my perspective is simply much different of late. I am the same person and the Elephant is in a smaller room that is about the size of my heart. I love you dearly and miss you. There are still memories to be made, sooner or later. I hope sooner.

EDIT: I've gotten through 4 pages of my original Elephant thread and while there are some wonderful memories there, I also am reliving some very painful posts. Regardless, I'm not looking back on those events in the wake of catastrophic destruction so all is good. The changes I've experienced are rooted in something completely different.

Still not certain exactly how I'm going to weave this tale. But weave it, I will.

You are one of the people I followed with interest when I began here some 3 years+ years ago. I found it interesting you had struck a balance with living part time but still with some typical feminine things in plain view. I was surprised when you wrote you cut your hair and were moving on, what, over a year ago? Whatever you decide, shalom on your path...

Well, you've certainly gotten my attention! Can't wait to see how this plays out!

I find it odd that there was no reply from me on that thread. That may have been back when I had a self-imposed moratorium on posting on the forum. Long story. Kathi Lake was prominent back then. I always wonder what happened to her. I've undergone my share of changes in that time, too.

I've thought about you a lot. I've always held you in very high regard. The girl who got so far down that path, and turned around. I guess the next installment will tell the tale of whether it can be done or not. I'm waiting on pins and needles!!!

It's good to see you here again.
You and several others on this board have helped me with your insights though we are all on our own unique paths. I have come to accept that some will drop off and drop in depending on where they are in this journey, but I am always happy to see familiar faces.

Wish you a joyous Holiday Season.

Nikki, Sheren...thank you so much for your comments. I always appreciate hearing from those who I have been able to offer some help to, however small that might be. Please read an participate going forward, I'll do my best not to disappoint.

Rhonda, I agree...where were you?!?! You and I are in different places now than we were then. I will certainly value anything you have to say as well.

I'm not quite ready to jump into the tale because I don't know exactly how this is going to play out. I'm now through five pages of the original Elephant thread and found the link to my "Hair-volution" thread to be particularly impactful (see post #124). Not going any further at this moment but want to wish everyone a merry Christmas season. My personal expression and fulfillment are different these days but I look back with such fondness, memories of spending quality time with such wonderful friends during a season which means so much to me on a personal level.

Merry Christmas, Happy Hanuka, Happy Kwanzaa, and Happy Festivus for the Rest of Us!!Yes, I as others have followed your journey and your eye for fashion. I still wish you the best and am curious, so please do not tease us too much with your long, drawn out "Where I am now and where I am going, I think!" thread.

Hugs,

Allie

PS: I keep walking down that path and am almost there, ..... I think!!??

We will recreate your pose in front of The Paris, not taking no for an answer! Hugs, Michelle

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Originally Posted by Sara Jessica

Yes she has.
Yet I am buoyed by feeling this emotion for that which resides in the past and perhaps promise for what the future might hold. Unsure where this new thread will go because these pages are so much different than they were 7+ years ago. It seems worth a try. For now, dig into the old Elephant thread. I dare to say there is a lot of wisdom there.

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No playing coy with us, missy! Talk!

Quote:

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For now, dig into the old Elephant thread. I dare to say there is a lot of wisdom there.

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Yes there is, though the thread reminded me of the absent-from-these-boards Kathi Lake.

Sara, your pm inbox is full....:)

For more insight, do an advanced search for the words "career path". There are a few threads within which many of us disclosed our essence. I embraced the topic and it seems that I co-opted it a couple more times as evidenced by the subsequent career path threads.

From there, I think I found a jumping off point from my original Elephant thread...

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Originally Posted by Sara Jessica

The last few weeks have been kind of strange. The last time I went out & about was in early-February when a work commitment took me up to the Valley and I was able to meet up with Anne. Since then, I've been less than inspired to go out which is odd, I should have been eager to seize each and every opportunity to go out and enjoy my long hair while I still have it. The chances to go out since have been plenty and I would seize upon any reason not to go. Work event out towards Los Angeles, a friend offers to carpool, I accept and therefore....no outing. Work event in the Valley, finding out there is a dinner afterwards, no biggie, no outing.

So I had been talking to my friend Kim in SD about possibly coming down for the Neutral Corner meeting which was yesterday but those same feelings kicked in and I was really looking for any reason NOT to go. I even emailed her Friday morning and told her exactly how I was feeling rather than make up some lame excuse why I could not go. Kim was gracious as always and said to let her know. I ended up deciding to give it a go on Friday night so yesterday I had an all-day outing. It was a nice day but most importantly, Neutral Corner ended up being a solid source of support, something that I don't demand of this group very often in that I personally see it as a social group rather than support. I explained what was going on during my portion of the roundtable and this ended up being quite the source of ongoing conversation to the point where others were truly touched by the gravity of what I was going through. We're not simply talking about hair, it has to do with navigation of this entire middle-path thing.

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Going out & about, used to be both ritual and requirement. Any opportunity was to be seized. Alas, I changed jobs nearly three years ago and I have more chances than ever due to more travel. But when all is said and done, I cannot be bothered. Why?

1) The psychological reasons. With my previous gig, I had comfort in knowing my place as well as my space. Now, everything is newish, even a few years in and my client base is much more widespread. What was once my zone of comfort is now infested with clients and I'm not so much in the mood to be outed these days.

But here is a zinger. My hair stylist for several years, a place I'd go presenting as a female at will, suddenly became an absolute no-fly zone. It was a Monday morning about two years ago, a holiday Monday if I recall correct. I had thought about going to m stylist in girl mode but for whatever reason, it just didn't come together. The hair needed attention regardless so I went in guy mode. I sat down in the waiting area only to look to my left and see someone who I have known for 10+ years. I do business with him. We have dined together and even tipped back a few beers socially. I think this encounter went a long way to pointing out the smallness of our world and how cavalier I have been when going out & about over the years. Crazy thing, just a few weeks ago, a current colleague was talking about where she goes to get her hair done and IT IS THE SAME EXACT SALON!!!

Good gosh, I'm never going back there.

2) The lazy reasons. I'm tired. My career is more fulfilling than ever but I'm also working harder than ever. While I won't go out & about without tweezing my face (that is a standard I will not let go), I haven't been in the right mind to spend the time doing so.

Consequently, the last couple times I've seen some of my best friends have been in guy mode. I haven't presented as a female in about 18 months. That was the last time I've touched makeup. Having the opportunity to wear whatever I want in the mornings has not been important to me in at least that long. The family is away, I may seize the chance to put something on about once every four opportunities.

Yet, absolutely nothing has changed in my heart. I am the same person with different priorities. I'm simply not saddled with a need for expression. In a way, thank goodness. In another way, it is perplexing.

But there is also resentment in my heart. I'll get to that another time.

Interesting experiences and state of mind Sara Jessica. Some things have resonated with me. I started HRT in 2017 and almost immediately my interest in on line shopping disappeared, and I loved shopping online for great used clothing deals or go to thrift stores. It was the thrill of the hunt and celebration of the great find. That all just stopped, and I was buying a couple of things or more per month. At that time I was also going out a couple of times a week into San Francisco for wine, dinner and more wine after dinner. I have a great group of trans friends, a CD and some fully transitioned ones, plus a lot of cis friends at all the places that we visit. Over the last two years my desire to go out has diminished significantly. I still get out a couple of times a month and nothing is holding me back to go out more. I have enough friends now that going solo is the trip into and out of SF. I know bar and restaurant waiters, owners and some regulars. I guess in a way I have lost my drive to go out.

Now I am full time, just had BA and FFS is in 2 weeks. I do understand I am probably just settling into my new role, position in life, routine or whatever is a good descriptor. I will give it all another 6 months before I re-evaluate myself. Actually, I do not need a re-evaluation, I am just curious if my mind is catching up with my age, or is it just a new life. I know I am changing mentally and emotionally, and this feeling is all part of it. I am completely free and nothing is holding me back except me.

In your case, maybe you have resigned yourself to your new life, job, traveling, hard work and traveling and the fact that as much as you want to, further steps down the path are out of the picture for some undetermined time period and you have accepted that, thus letting the drive to go out as you has weakened to the point where you are now. Whatever it is, my questions to you are you satisfied for now and are you happy? That in the end is all that really matters. Some reach super happiness with life and most others are somewhere further away from that, and they still live and prosper and enjoy the life that they live.

Anyway, your comments above resonated deeply with me. Thanks for sharing. I would love to discuss this in person in whatever mode if you ever make it up here and have time for a deep conversation. Good luck and keep your story coming. It is a very good read.

Allie

Great comment, Allie, "My mind is catching up with my age". One that I can relate to! Because I started dressing at age 50? I traveled trans ground most have covered by the time they r 25. As I'm over 75, Sherry is finally well over 21!
And, my attitude about dressing has changed a lot the last few years.:battingeyelashes:
Sometimes it's just not worth the trouble!

The facts that I dress to the 9's or not at all, have zero interest in going out dressed by myself, or to any common place venues such as malls, Dennies, or the market effect my dressing habits and desires, too.

I guess the compulsion DOES dim in time?:brolleyes:

Sara, you've been an absolute blessing to we girls with your thoughts and comments. You will be sorely missed. Hugs!

I have always learned from your advise & opinions. I enjoyed reading about your adventures. You will be a success in whatever you do in the future. The welcome mat will always be here for you.

Allie, congrats on your progress and I hope your upcoming FFS goes well. I am making a mental note as I occasionally make it up near the Bay Area.

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Originally Posted by AllieSF

In your case, maybe you have resigned yourself to your new life, job, traveling, hard work and traveling and the fact that as much as you want to, further steps down the path are out of the picture for some undetermined time period and you have accepted that, thus letting the drive to go out as you has weakened to the point where you are now. Whatever it is, my questions to you are you satisfied for now and are you happy? That in the end is all that really matters. Some reach super happiness with life and most others are somewhere further away from that, and they still live and prosper and enjoy the life that they live.

Anyway, your comments above resonated deeply with me. Thanks for sharing. I would love to discuss this in person in whatever mode if you ever make it up here and have time for a deep conversation. Good luck and keep your story coming. It is a very good read.

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You really hit the mark. I am satisfied. I am happy. It just seems like it should be contraindicated. Thank goodness I'm in this happy place because if I was going through what I am now ten years ago, it'd have been crippling.

Your elephant will eventually return home..Most do.

I?ve been thinking and waiting before responding to your post. I?ve followed your progress since I joined this group. I?ve always had the utmost respect and admiration of your journey. I?ve secretly wanted to be you on so many occasions. I don?t have the courage and determination that you?ve shown over the years. Whenever I see you?ve posted I always rush to see what you?ve posted because I so respect your opinion- it?s almost Hero worship. I?m sorry that you won?t be here but I couldn?t let this go by with out telling you how much I respect you and to thank for being such a bright light in this part of my life that I cannot share with the ones I love. Thank you Sara, you don?t know it or me but I?ve loved having you in my life.

Sara,
It is quite a read but touches on so many issues many of us go through . What I find interesting is members had far more to add , it's very rare to see a thread extend to that length , I'm also saddened to see some of the members no longer participating .

Rogina sums it simply in one line , " the elephant will return ! "

It is good to read you are in a happy place now , I never thought it would happen for me but I do look at it this way , " At my age it's possibly as good as it gets so , I must make the most of it ".

Ahhh, yes. This thing we do is as unchangeable, immutable, and is none of our own making. We can't help it, and we darn sure can't stop. Just like our blood type. These opinions are widely accepted as fact. That being the case, it kind of takes the heat off of those of us who have never been able to shake it. It's just so deeply rooted that there's nothing we can do about it. Maybe Sara isn't as trans as some of the rest of us. Maybe she was just playing dress up whenever it was convenient or the urge struck her. Maybe she's just busy, and that has temporarily obscured her innate trans nature. Maybe she's got some kind of wobbly hormonal thing going on. I'll accept her self appraisal that it's just gone, and until I hear otherwise I'll figure it's gone for good. I say good for her (him?). Thank God somebody's been able to do it!

I'm not going to resubmit Sara's bio, but I'm pretty familiar with it. I think she was as trans as anybody on this board. I think she was right at that point where she could have flipped a switch and lived out her life as a woman. I remember that she reacted to external influences that made her (thoughtfully, sensibly, probably painfully) pull back. Now it appears she has been able to pull totally back. Turns out that in her case it was more of a choice than most of us care to admit/accept.

I'm happy for you, Sara! I hope you're able to fondly look back at a prolonged time in your life when you were a girl. I hope you can keep that in your rear view for as long as you want to, and not be forced to. I admire you, and I completely support you on this (not that that matters at all). If in 6 months or 6 years it's back with a vengeance, you'll be better of for having given this a shot.

I'll miss you!

Sara,
So nice to see you hear again! You have been such an inspiration to me and have provided so much validation to my journey and I can't thank you enough for inspiring me to be me :)
I hope your journey is going well and I do look forward to hearing more about where your journey takes you!
This all is so difficult and tricky and we can only look to ourselves and those like us to provide comfort and inspiration as we navigate this difficult terrain.
Take care,
Shannon

I apologize for being away from what I started for so long. Here are my excuses...I mean reasons:

• I'm touched by so many kind words here. So much so that I feel unworthy of contributing any further to a legacy I might have, particularly because the (true) story has taken such a u-turn.
• I'm a bit parylized by the prospect of sharing this in the form of a linear narrative. To get around this feeling, I'm just going to continue more randomly. This may not be orderly from A to Z and might not ever reach Z but at least I'll feel less pressure to continue in a straight line.
• And most importantly...

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Originally Posted by Sara Jessica

I am satisfied. I am happy. It just seems like it should be contraindicated. Thank goodness I'm in this happy place because if I was going through what I am now ten years ago, it'd have been crippling.

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I lied to you all. I'm not happy.

But if it makes any sense, I'm not unhappy. There is a difference. The fulfillment and balance I once had has evaporated. I miss it. I miss my friends tremendously. I think of them pretty much daily.

Content? Perhaps. Existing. Kind of extreme. I think of what the future holds on every conceivable level and look forward in anticipation and wonderment. That future is likely just around the corner, having to potential to be a reality. I will need to re-learn the absolute fearless approach I had to going out & about because frankly, the concept is utterly foreign to me right now. My version of the middle path coupled (living life straddling the gender fence) with a more generally accepted version (having a significant social presence in one's gender-not-assigned-at-birth) brought me so much joy. I hope and pray my friends will take me back into their hearts when I eventually discover my new normal.

I've also gained a new perspective on what it is to be trans from the outside looking in, just as I previously treated my being trans as being valuable insight into my existence as a husband, father and (gasp!) man. Just a few years ago, I had a visceral discomfort in referring to myself using that last descriptor.

Aside from the transgression above, I have never lied here. My honesty might even be considered a little too much so. The new perspective I am talking about hopefully won't stray too far from a gentle but firm honesty that I think I am remembered for.

Time will tell.

Sara,
It's pretty late, so maybe it's because I'm not entirely clear-headed, but I can't follow this. Why so cryptic? I'll save any further comment until I know what I'm commenting on.

I will say this. My opinion of you is not going to change. Trans or not, gay or straight, married or divorced, some combination of all, or none. Doesn't matter! Just say it!

Hey Rhonda, I'm not trying to be intentionally obtuse. I'm simply figuring out if there is a way to somehow get back on my happy path. I sense that it could happen soon.

Glad to hear that now that you simplified it. Thanks for your question Rhonda. I didn't know how to phrase one. Good luck Sara, I know you are doing it at your pace and in your way. Your way is the best for you because it is the result of your mature reasoning. If it doesn't work out one way, why not try another. Your life and your plan. Good luck.

Allie

Sara,

I've missed you both here and at DLV, but know enough to trust you to balance everything properly to fit in your world. I was discussing the "closet" with someone recently and got them to see that the decision to be on one side of the door or the other isn't always just about one's self. We balance our future with the ones we love and care about with those other things that drive us along. I stayed mostly hidden until years after my wife passed away, I was retired and my kids no longer needed to depend on me. Meeting those needs and expectations more than made up for the time I spent not being fully myself.

Just having you drop in from time to time here lets me know you are safe, sound and moving forward, and that's a good thing.

Take Care.

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Originally Posted by VeronicaMoonlit

. . . though the thread reminded me of the absent-from-these-boards Kathi Lake.

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I can tell you that Kathi is well, looking and living just fine these days, just not visiting this forum much. Going over the roll call, I will admit I remain concerned about Karren Hutton and miss her terribly.

Hi Sarah, I miss you so much and really appreciate hearing your thoughts. I'm sorry about DLV this year but cancellation is totally a no-brainer. It probably shouldn't have taken so long to come to that conclusion but I can only imagine if one of my DLV years was in jeopardy, I'd have probably lost my mind at the thought of cancellation.

Needless to say, this year, not so much personally but it doesn't take away from my understanding as to what the event means to so many people, and many friends. I hope to return someday. After all, I need to retake my avatar :)!!!

As for Kathi Lake, please send her my love. I'm glad you are still in touch.

So I'm thinking I didn't start this thread at the right time.

But when is the right time? I thought it could be therapeutic in the sense of bringing me back towards who I once was. It didn't despite my hopes. Then this CV thing happened.

Early this morning, I awoke just before 5:00 a.m. I am one of the lucky ones, fully employed and able to work from home. I don't start until 8:00 a.m. so I had in mind to perhaps put something on. Mornings used to be part of my regimen, the wee hours between 4:30 a.m. and 7:00 a.m.-ish when at least having the opportunity for expression would help me navigate the rest of my day. This has long since been replaced by...nothing.

Something? Today? No. What was it that dissuaded me?

Shame.

Yep. For the first time in probably 20+ years, I allowed a sense of shame to keep me from exercising a method of expression that for many years, 29 days out of every 30, was part of my normal.

The new normal is a trip. The only consolation during this CV thing is that I'm not pining for anything. No feeling sorry for myself that I cannot express myself. For that I am grateful.

And confused.

I hope everyone here is safe. I think about you all daily, believe it or not.

Sara, your elephant may have just focused on the reality of mortality. I feel we here live in a "bubble world" where we feel that what goes on with the muggles of the world doesn't, or shouldn't have have anything to do with our needs and wants to do as we please. The sad reality is that the real world is out there and in this case it
is smacking all of us with a sobering thought. There just might be something out there that even a crossdresser has trouble dealing with.

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Originally Posted by Sara Jessica

. . . . .
Something? Today? No. What was it that dissuaded me?

Shame.

Yep. For the first time in probably 20+ years, I allowed a sense of shame to keep me from exercising a method of expression that for many years, 29 days out of every 30, was part of my normal.

The new normal is a trip. The only consolation during this CV thing is that I'm not pining for anything. No feeling sorry for myself that I cannot express myself. For that I am grateful.

And confused.

I hope everyone here is safe. I think about you all daily, believe it or not.

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Sara Jessica,

Shame sucks as a motivator to do anything, right or wrong. For me it usually means I'm allowing others to define me and how I should be feeling. That's not saying it doesn't work to keep us from upsetting some very important apple carts. But it's worth figuring out how much power you are willing to give to others over your own feelings, needs and choices. I'm still not fulling in control, so don't look to me to lead. But I just wanted to let you, a friend, know I'm walking a similar path and you aren't alone. :wave:

So, you lack the motivation to be motivated? Not so strange. I'm home more than ever, alone, and can find zero motivation to dress, do my makeup, or anything. I'm just not one to dress to stay home. I am TRYING to find some motivation but it's just not there. I really miss it! The motivation, that is. It adds such spice to life! I look forward to it coming back with a vengeance!

Something else I look forward to is you finally telling this story!!! Sounds like maybe the elephant has not gone far. And what's with this shame you speak of? I know your history on this forum pretty well. Your vocabulary is pretty precise, so I know that's not a throw away term for you. I'm surprised to hear that coming from you. All this mystery is killing me!

I'm glad some other ladies raised the question of "shame." I have followed the threads of some of the ladies on this forum and that includes you. I never saw any inkling of "shame." It was not too long ago you and Tracii chided me indirectly on a "panty thread." It wasn't too many months ago you seemed to be quite comfortable with yourself.

Personally, I went through a period of shame, self loathing and disgust which I can only assume a great many cross dressers go through. Some may never overcome these feelings. On the other hand I do acknowledge life may be and would have been a lot easier to never have been a cross dresser. That does not mean I or someone is ashamed. I wish I could share this side of me with, at least, my wife. I suspect there is a lot of self limiting of expression.

For anyone intent on ridding themselves of this form of expression I hope you're successful.

My dear friend,

There are no rules, you are in charge of your destiny your life and all that matters is your happiness, family and safety. You taught me so much and we've had so much fun going out over the years. Happy to chat at any time just call me you know the number...

As we've discussed recently, the world is a different place today, (forget COVID-19), in regard to how one presents themselves. I feel that there is a lot more acceptance today than 1 year or even 6 months ago. As you know I am a walking billboard for that as you know...

Breathe, be safe, love yourself and don't compromise with your happiness.