Sorry , yet another dilemma !

I've found the isolation through covid 19 over the last year has been tough which I'm sure most others have , not meeting my artist friends meant I gradually lost the motivation to paint for over a year . A recent copy of the bi monthly magazine from my art association featured an article from an ex RAF officer who painted a Hawker Sea Fury as a gift for a friend she had known in the Royal Navy who flew the example featured . At the end of the article it challenged other members to paint their version , the winning entry to be featured in a future copy of the magazine , I couldn't resist the challenge . I decided to take it a stage further and researched the aircraft and possibly find more pictures . I then played around with until I found a more interesting composition , also I didn't like the sky in the feature so I found one I felt worked better . I formed it into an article hoping it might be used as a complete feature in a future edition of the magazine . Then I added more pictures explaining why I painted them and finally added my personal details along with a copy of the picture I use in my avatar .

So now I come to my dilemma . I contacted the association a couple of years ago on the basis of forming my own art group and asked what support they offered and would they supply materials at reduced cost . I then pointed out I was TG and inquired if they knew of any other members who were running an art group on this basis . I have again mentioned this in my new contact with them , I was telling my TS friend about this and she thought I was making a mistake in mentioning I'm TG , she then went onto say I appear to have the need to tell people . I thought hard about this comment , maybe she was right but I had to think hard why . I came to the conclusion after so many years of hiding these needs I finally accept I'm not ashamed of it , so if other people are aware of this it could also be of help to them if they also have gender problems . My friend suggested I remove that reference but recalling my previous conversation with the association , the fact that after searching and not finding anyone else would I consider being a Guinea Pig with their full support , I don't have a problem with that .

Sorry it's a long one again but I'll ask the question to other members , would you have revealed being TG in these circumstances ?

Teresa,

There are those in the LGBTQ community who feel the need to shout their needs, frustrations, and pent-up anger at society for having been marginalized, harassed, ostracized and otherwise diminished because of their sexual and/or gender orientation in the past. This, in spite of the fact that their acceptance by the more enlightened sectors of the public is at an all-time high now compared with the past. Still, they feel compelled to keep the pressure up so as not to lose ground, although that can often have a negative outcome when that generates a backlash by the "haters" and assorted religious fundamentalists.

I am not one of those. I just go quietly about my business without feeling the need to force myself or my ideas on others, nor "get in their faces" to promote any particular trans agenda. "Live and let live" is my motto, along with "Your right to swing your arms ends where my nose begins". That's just me. As for others, well...YMMV, as they say.

This is no criticism of you or the dilemma that you are facing, and I can fully appreciate what you are struggling with. Ultimately, you need to decide what is best for yourself and your own mental health in successfully managing your dysphoria. If that means venturing into TMI territory as far as others are concerned, only you can weigh the cost/benefit consequences of that decision. My understanding from your past posts is that your "Teresa" revelations have generally gone very well for you, and that you have gained more friends than you have lost in the process, so that is something to consider here as well.

I am just sharing what is working for me right now for better or for worse, and am neither preaching nor making any judgement calls.

Teresa,

If you were volunteering to run an art group in a hostel for battered women or perhaps a religious group then revealing your status would be pertinent. Hence I would say that unless there is a clear and obvious need to reveal you're TS then I would counsel don't say anything.

If when you get there it appears to be an issue, then that's a bridge to be crossed in that moment and it's up to those you're meeting to explain politely just what the issue is. Also remember you have the law on your side. They need to make sure they don't discriminate against you on the basis you're TS. I can appreciate you don't wish to get into a conflict situation but I see little difference between any of us going into a shop and asking an SA for help and you offering to start an art group. No-one forces anyone to attend so if individuals have an issue with it that's for them to deal with.

You're experience with your other art group demonstrates just how accepting folks are so just be you and let them see you as Teresa and not some bloke in a dress.

Leslie/Helen,
I can see I've possibly reached the point where I need to make this decision . On the one hand I would like to see more members of the TG community be integrated into society , if I'm in a position to improve that situation I should use the opportunity . On the other hand the closer you get to transition the less you need to make the point of being TG , I can see why my TS friend would advise me against divulging that information .

I guess you are both correct in saying I have very good acceptance , why jeopardise it .

Helen ,
You sum it up very bluntly when suggesting a possible bloke in a dress if I push the point .

In some areas the social norms of many peoples have closed minds make it hard to come out in public if you do not pass 100%. voice included.

You never know where, when or if your blessings are going to present themselves.

So being TG is the facts and they would certainly find out eventually. So the decision is weather to surprise them or to be upfront.
Then what the reward or punishment might be? This is too large of a realm of possibilities to base the decision on.
So if this direction of being TG is who you are then let the chips fall where they may.

Hi Teresa,
First things first- you are an amazingly skilled artist! Wowie zowie- who knew you could paint like that!! Your main problem is not being TG it is scaring off people from wanting to show you their paintings... ok just kidding, but really- wow.

Secondly, to second Helen, I think your dilemma is not a dilemma, just a matter of framing. And, getting to my point above, art groups are about feeling safe, and so yes it is perfectly valid and very generous to want to provide that safety to artists who are also struggling with gender in society, or any other minority experiencing minority stress- uh- any minority, that is. So yes it is identity politics, sort of, but it is also the same as any segmentation of the market for any activity into affinity groups.

If you want to start a group where all genders are welcome, that is a perfectly valid thing to say. You could ramp that up to say all people are welcome, no matter what race, age, religion, gender, sexual preference, etc you may identify with. I'd love to join a group like that- no pressure to be something, just a wonderful place to share conversation and art, where feeling welcome and included and not judged.

How about an art group for former military? why not- it is the same principle, and the wealth of shared experiences could liberate and inform the art more fully for each member.

Philli I like your idea of the art group for military people. I am one. I also believe in a group "ALL people are welcome". I and DarkAnGGel once went to a religious group that advertiser "All People Welcome" but it turned out that is not what they were. DarkAnGGel and I were not welcomed. We did not tell them about our preferences. I, for one thing, did not talk with their southern accent and I was a Yankee and retired military. None of their members were in the local military groups either. They are no more.

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Originally Posted by Teresa

Helen ,
You sum it up very bluntly when suggesting a possible bloke in a dress if I push the point .

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Teresa,

I guess what I was saying is if you tell them in advance you allow them to create an image in their own mind of what to expect. That image could be so wide of the mark of what the reality is but they'll have made up their minds without ever meeting you.

When we encounter SA's in shops or even random strangers while waiting at the till or on public transport, it's being us that carries the day. We wow them with just being normal people. Have faith sister, have faith.

Phili,
Many thanks for you comments about the painting , it was good to find that motivation after a year , I'm not sure what I'll do with it , I'm considering trying to sell it to raise money for charity .

As for finding people to join me I've probably found over a dozen just by contact in my local area , they all know me by Terri rather than Teresa but I don't have a problem with that . I can understand why my TS friend suggested I don't say anything because she has transitioned , she has no reason to tell people and can't understand my need .

Art groups have one great advantage as they offer a level playing field , as you say it doesn't matter about gender , sexual identity , religion , race , age etc .. , the only pressure is the ability to physically produce what is in your head . It's so satisfying to get asked , How do you do that ?" and then share your experiences .

Helen,
I didn't have a problem with your comment being blunt , it made the point . As I mentioned I sent them a copy of my avatar picture as I thought it more applicable being sat at an easel and dressed appropriately . If they do decide to print the article they include a picture of the artist .

There is an interesting story about the Royal Navy flying the last piston engined aircraft off a carrier in the Korean War . A flight of four was attacked by eight MIG fighters , in the exchange a Sea Fury shot down one of the MIGs . I'm not sure if the pilot was the subject of the painting challenge .

I feel that saying you are TG is almost an apology and instantly sets gears turning in minds that did not need to be. I think it is better to just be you, Teresa, full stop. Adding qualifiers to your existence is unnecessary.

Oh yes, your painting is very Dan Dare!

No. I'm a closet CD and tell people only on a "need to know" basis. Would I have mentioned if I was trans and was in your situation?:straightface:

Since I'm not u, I can't be sure. But, if it was me? Once again, "No".

Because the context was your art work. So, whether u were male, female, black, or white should make no difference to them!:daydreaming:
Mentioning it mite mean I had some sort of trans agenda. Which maybe u did?:battingeyelashes:

You'll never fully 'transition' until you let go of the past. As for a TG artist group, society as a whole doesn't care. You're segregating yourselves for no reason.

Hugs, Terri

Hey Teresa, that's a cool painting! I'm sorry to say that art is one of my weakest skills. I can't even draw a face without it looking grotesque, so I have to admire people who can do it!

Regarding the question, I'm afraid I have to weigh in on the side of those who advise against bringing up the topic of TG. The first question is whether it's relevant to this particular matter being discussed with the art association, which it doesn't seem to be. Suppose somebody said "By the way, I'm five feet ten inches tall and my other hobby is racing pigeons." People might say that kind of thing on a dating site, but in the context of a matter like this, readers might be scratching their heads and wondering "why is this person telling us this?"

Being TG unfortunately takes the matter a stage further. It's not just that there are outright bigots who are unalterably hostile to transgenderism and alienated by anyone advocating for it. They're only part of the problem. It's also a larger part of the populace who are neutral or potentially sympathetic to a cause who are nevertheless tired of being nagged about it, because it's not their issue. I always remember this man:

https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikiped...son_Davies.jpg

Doesn't he look a crusty old curmudgeon? He was born in 1913 (died in 1995), his name was Robertson Davies, and he was quite an eminent author and journalist, especially in his own country of Canada. Sorry to say I'm not well acquainted with his works, but at some time in the latter part of last century he famously complained, quoting Lord Alfred Douglas, that "Homosexuality used to be called 'the love that dare not speak its name.' Now it won't shut up!"

I have no idea whether or not Robertson Davies was truly homophobic--or just plain "ticked off" by hearing too much advocacy on the topic. People hate being nagged. (My current pet hate is these wretched cheeseparing companies who incessantly nag us--even try to force us--into using "paperless billing. I wish they'd shut the hell up.) Similarly, on the "gay" issue, while I'm perfectly sympathetic toward gay people ("Liberty Lori" says "Live and let live!"), I freely confess that in spite of it I found myself irritated in recent years past by what seemed to be excessive publicity given to "gay" issues in the media. Gay people are perhaps a mere three percent of the population, yet the space given to "gay" issues in the media seemed way out of proportion to that. There must be just as many minorities of a similar size with some other problem--say being blind or visually impaired, for instance--but how much do we read about them? (All right, so at least they're not targets of hate, but still...) It annoys me when I feel something is being shoved in my face all the time.

All right, so maybe I'm a crusty old curmudgeon like Robertson Davies, and maybe all that nagging about "paperless billing" is getting to me. Just the same, I do think you'd be better staying off the TG topic in case it rubs anyone the wrong way.

And yes, that is a cool painting! It's so evocative, it makes me wish I were flying one of those planes myself!

I beginning to see the point more of just get on with life and ignore my personal issues if it doesn't bother other people . I'm wondering now if Kaitlyn Jenner made too much fuss or perhaps the media did .

OK I've been totally honest with them because I felt most of my life I lived a lie but then I still consider if people are struggling with their gender issue and it's mentioned in that article it could offer some encouragement in dealing with it .

I think you put that well, Teresa. Rest assured, there's a time and a place for everything. Naturally including the offer of support to others.

Hi Teresa

I can understand why it might seem easier to tell them.
Unless there is a compelling reason to explain, like the Census question being legal requirement.

They do not need to know.

With high profile people I can see why they choose to let everyone know ( Kaitlyn Jenner, Eddie Izzard etc)
They would be asked the question by the press.

I find it quite ironic after reading so many threads and comments concerning withholding the truth from wives/partners , in some cases very heated debates why we didn't tell all before we married and even being told we shouldn't have married at all . The consensus of opinion is the rest of the World doesn't need to know and in deed why should they need to know , to a point I get Lori Ann's comments . I wouldn't go as far as saying we choose to lie to the rest of the World but then we enter the murky waters of withholding information could also be lying ( that was an interesting thread recently ).

I have seen both sides of this debate , when people know I'm TG it has opened a door for them , I've been so surprised how much people have opened up and in some cases how obvious it was they needed to talk to someone . My art tutor admitted for the first time he was bisexual , many women expressed concerns over the sexuality of their children . On one occasion a lady said with tears in her eyes that her sister in law had now become her brother in law . Not everyone needs to seek counselling they just need that opening to talk to someone . A closed book doesn't reveal a story , sometimes I feel we need to take that step and open our pages , it's what many friendships are based on .

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Originally Posted by Teresa

I find it quite ironic after reading so many threads and comments concerning withholding the truth from wives/partners , in some cases very heated debates why we didn't tell all before we married and even being told we shouldn't have married at all . The consensus of opinion is the rest of the World doesn't need to know

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Think about it, it's not ironic at all. A spouse/partner has a need to know. For the most part, the rest of world isn't affected by it at all so why does it matter to them? I truly am full time, there is no male me, ever, and you know what, I don't tell anyone, ever (it's none of their business), unless there is a compelling reason and normally that is only if we are thinking about some type of personal relationship so as to not surprise/shock someone. On the other hand if someone brings it up in a respectful manner I have no problems talking about it. I'm not trying to hide who I am, I'm just out there every day trying to be me. They can like me, or hate me for the person that I am. I'm not about to push something about me in their face just to make a point.

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Originally Posted by Teresa

I'll ask the question to other members , would you have revealed being TG in these circumstances ?

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Since you included some personal details and a copy of your avatar, I guess it might have been worth mentioning that you are TG, but I'd have suggested not giving it any more weight than the rest of who you are. Something along the lines of "Teresa is a TG lady who has been painting since.... Her favorite subjects are..." etc. etc. It shouldn't be any more important than - oh, I don't know - being a blonde?

If they want to know any more than that, they can always contact you and ask for more details.

SaraLin,
I feel your last line says it all for me , I'm here if they want me , I can do no more than that . As for the rest of my details people will put that behind them fairly quickly not unless they have a problem with it , which I haven't experienced , that is not to my face .

Paula,
Your comments are well understood because I feel that is what my TS friend was trying to say , the one question it poses me personally is how different would I be if I had fully transitioned ? By that I'm not implying that I'm unhappy where I am , social transition is good for me , it works and I'm happy , the important point is I'm accepted on that basis .

I do disagree about it not mattering to them as I pointed out it's given them an opening to reveal issues in their lives to me .

Teresa,
Does it matter wether you are green, one legged, with two heads or worse Its how good an instructor you are that matters ! On that score a look at your picture ............
hugs ,Liz

Wow - tough decision! My first thought would be, "why does it matter if you are TG/TS?" The contest is about painting, not who does the painting.

But my second thought is, "why hide?". Being out as TS helps other TS individuals as it helps to improve public acceptance.

I honestly don' know which path I'd pick in your position, but I actually don't see a bad choice here.

I don't think mentioning you're transgender is a mistake. Personally, I've come to the conclusion I have accepted myself for who I am. That was a big problem for me in the distant past. Now, my problem is dealing with other people's problems. It is totally foolish to expect everyone wants to have even a simple relationship with a transgender woman or man. If your transgender status is mentioned in your bio/introduction, then it will weed out those who have issues with transgender women. Would you rather have that person sign up for a slot, then walk out of the studio when he or she finds out you're transgender? Or, would you rather know everyone really does not care?

Yes, you (generalized you) can shove it in somebody's face, but, you still have to deal with the consequences. Me? I'd rather not have someone bring his or her issue into my studio.

PS: I love the picture.

These days the attitude to the TG community has eased a lot and is accepted in the services.

20 years ago you may still have had a dishonourable discharge.

Nowadays I would probably show my hand, even if I think it is brave of me.

As for dill emmas, on with the next one. :-)

Do what feels right to you for the situation. I agree not everyone needs to be told but also understand wanting them too. I personally would prefer they just see me as her and not as TG.

I'm of the camp that you can mention it, but not focus on it. Like any other aspect of ourselves, we can mention it, but unless that is the focus of the article, nothing more.

Wow! Teresa! Amazing work and @#$%-it! You mention your TS if you want to! I know I've spent my entire life being embarrassed about myself and who I was. It took a long road to coming to terms with myself and who I was. If I feel like I want to tell somebody or share that information, I'm going to! I look at it as a long restoration I undertook, or an impossible repair I did. Or even a tedious piece of artwork I created. If you want to, shout it out at the highest peak on this rock!

Jazmine,
It can be a long road and hopefully no U turns . Many thanks for the PM , please stay in touch .

Shouting it from the roof tops has faded now I'm basically in balance , this is me , I have to to decide how much others need to hear that and how much they will be OK with me .