Why are you still in a relationship with someone who doesn?t fully accept you?

So many of us on here are in relationships where their SO doesn?t know, doesn?t accept, or puts you in a DADT situation. My question is why are you in a relationship with someone who doesn?t fully accept who you are? That seems totally crazy, bonkers, and so very sad! You deserve better!
I am guessing that each of us accepts and loves our SO fully and unconditionally for who she is. So why do you let her put conditions on her love back to you?
If you are in a relationship with someone who makes you hide such a major part of who you are then GET OUT of that relationship! Find someone who actually loves you for who you are. A caring and loving person is out there waiting to love the complete you.
I found my SO who loves me completely and you can find yours too! You are special so be proud of who you are!

This isn't just a CD question, but a relationship question generally. It would be a good thing Julia, if leaving a relationship were as easy as you describe, but we often find ourselves so invested in the relationship - children, finances, occupations, time invested etc., that we believe "moving on" would be even more difficult. Still...

So often times it happens that we live our lives in chains
And we never even know we have the key
Eagles - "Already Gone"

Because I'm happier with my wife, and she is happier with me, despite the elephant in the room. 99% of the time we are a great family unit, and we actually think our relationship and family is in a really great place right now.

Would I want to break up our family and bring chaos into her life, my life, my daughter's life, just so that I can dress and still not transition? No.

Because, overall, she is the best thing to ever happen to me (and she has commented on many occasions that I'm the best husband ever).

Yes, we have our differences. I'm more "girly" than she'd like and she has laid down limits to how much she can tolerate.
She has views in a taboo-for-this-forum subject (hint: it starts with a "P") that I hate and I've laid down limits to how much of THAT I can tolerate.

BUT - if she needs me or if I need her, we both know we can count on the other for love, support, and kindness towards each other. We are a team. We face the world together and have come through a lot of challenges that could have torn us apart and our bond has remained strong.

Now why on earth would I throw such a wonderful thing away, simply because she doesn't want to see me as a woman - no matter how much I wish it?
Yes, *MAYBE* I could go out and find someone who accepts that part of me- but what about the rest of the picture? In fact, I was once with a lady who totally accepted my Sara-ness and wholeheartedly encouraged it. It didn't last. There were other (non-CD) factors that made me decide to end that relationship, though we remained friends and even had a few girls' nights out together.

@ SaraLyn;

It sounds to me like you're on a 'pretty good wicket', as we say here in the land of Oz.

You are right - why chuck that away to chase unicorns?

Love, the kids and grandkids. And since I did not fully disclose this before we were married, she has all the rights in the world to be angry and not accept me! Not her fault, mine and mine alone.

No grandkids yet but other than that I 100% have the same situation as Karren. I'm also not willing to throw away 20 years together. Relationships are about working on things too so who knows what the future brings!

When you have built a life, a family, a network and wealth in collaboration with a person, walking away is not so simple. Kudos to you if you are in a position to walk way from everything.

Exactly what Monica said. I believe I would be miserable to throw it all away so how would doing so benefit me.

I sat on jury duty for a divorce case one time to divide assets. In a case like this, the jury is allowed to decide who is more culpable and use that in their decision. Out of one million or so in assets. the man got and old car he was restoring and his tools - that?s it , nothing else. Who do you think would get the blame in a crossdressers divorce case?

Sandi

For me, although my gender identity (NB) is important I cannot even imagine throwing away 53 years of togetherness just because I am different sometimes and my wife has trouble understanding it. It would crush her far, far more than the negative aspects affect me. My wife and I are different people and we are all different people. And the way we survive is by adapting and compromising. DADT limits freedom but it is a workable compromise that recognizes the needs of both. There are things she does that I don't care for, but it's OK. We just adjust.

Unconditional love is really an illusion. Everybody has boundaries. It is just a question of where the boundaries are and each and every individual adapting to the boundaries out of respect for the principles that guide another person's life. Adaptation does not actually mean sacrificing your own values but rather fitting different values of two individuals into the context of the relationship.

I think it is useful to turn your question around with all the factors reversed and then examine the result while applying the most feminine behaviors of all - empathy and compassion. The answer to your question becomes painfully clear when one does that. Being a woman involves vastly more than wearing certain clothes - it involves behaving and thinking the way women do. Males and females are far more alike than we ever imagined in the past and although the differences in behavior can only be found in about a dozen behavioral patterns out of 150 or so identified gender behaviors. They are all important but those few loom very large in the total packages of our selves.

My wife is an assume woman. We get along great. I wasn't going to toss 30+ years of a great marriage for CD'ing and neither was she. It took a couple years and many long tearful conversations to get to where we are today.

I can see those with a bit of a rocky marriage ending it, but we got along so well in all other aspects so for us it wasn't even a question.

Others have hit the main points I have. I thoroughly enjoy my time with my wife. I'm at least content underdressing in secret. I would like to explore more clothing items, but I won't do anything to jeopardize our future together.

When I finally came out to my wife I was ready to accept whatever might be the result.
I was fully prepared to have her reject me and divorce me, but I prayed that would not be the case. I was at my wit's end and had to be able to express the full me. Not everyone is at that point or willing to give up family and friends.

Julia, because CDing is not the most prioritized thing in my life.
Also, I didn't tell my wife upfront and came out to her after 36 years, so her way of accepting me is doing her best to cope with something she didn't sign for, and I love her for that. And since I lied to her so many years, if anyone did not accept the other, it was me, the closeted dresser. So, I'm not going anywhere anytime soon (but maybe she will).
It seems to me a sad way of looking at a relationship to think of leaving your loved one because she/he struggles with your crossdressing. Crossdressing IS weird, in the sense that it puzzles most people who don't do it. It can be very taxing for the SO. I don't think enduring relationship are built on black and white, take it or leave it approaches. They are built on compromises. Because nobody's perfect. But the good news is you can compromise and be happy. I don't think I ever saw a happy person who never compromised.

I think everyone summed it up pretty well. I applaud those who opened the bottle and let the genie out without know what future was beholding.
For a lot of us in our golden years, that is very frightening...possibly seeing rejection and a future alone without love and support.
Reminiscing about my feminine formative years is what keeps me, on occasion, enjoying getting gorgeous in make up, contouring foundations, and silky feminine fashions.
Not needing to live as a women anymore has me accepting my "lot" in life as a husband.
But I would be fooling myself if I didn't say in my husband status changed, I would go back to presenting as Candice as today's society is so much more accepting than when I was a teenager. :daydreaming:

DianneT, crossdressing is only weird as you say because we assume it to be weird in our current society. There are other cultures and countries that accept cross dressing, transgenderism, and third gender people openly. Fortunately kids today in the United States are exposed to gender expression and trans people much more often so it is not as weird to them.
My point is that we first have to accept ourselves as not weird if we want others to see us as not weird too.

It?s not the same for everyone. If everybody walked out of a relationship because their SO did not accept a part of who the were, there would be a lot more single people in the world . Should SO stay with some body because they are abusive, a drug addict or alcoholic? Of course not. Nobodys perfect. I agree with what the others have said .Compromise and being able to adapt. I dont think I would have been married for nearly 30 years without being able to give and take.The alternative is lose the wife , kids contact etc and living a miserable lonely existence in a bed sit.. There may be somebody out there that accepts, but realistically that is very unlikely.

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Originally Posted by Julia B

My point is that we first have to accept ourselves as not weird if we want others to see us as not weird too.

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I agree. My point is we also need to be realistic about how other people view our contraption if we want to interact with them in any useful way. For example after coming out to my wife I went on saying that it wasn't as damaging as if I cheated on her. Then realized that it was maybe worse. Women prepare themselves all their life for a cheating husband. But a crossdressing one? That's exoplanet 51b in constellation Pegasus.

I believe that why questions are tricky because they already have a hint of blame in them pointed in one direction or the other. If this was a what question I could answer: because we have 36 years of marriage with each other, goals and dreams together for our future, goals for retirement that we are both now seeing come more into view. Crossdressing is important to me but not the most important part of my life. I have certainly come to understand and accept that I do not want to stop dressing. This question could also easily be turned into a why do our spouses remain in a relationship with someone that is a crossdresser, why does she have to accept you/me? I guess the most important why for me is that I do love and care for my wife, that her needs and even opinions are important to me. We will never totally agree with our spouses, hopefully we can work to find middle ground. If we are not able to find the middle and things start to move to ultimatums then we must begin to look more deeper into how that is going to affect us emotionally, mentally, and even physically. Acceptance is a two way street.

Some very thought-provoking comments here.

Yes, there are some with accepting SOs, and some have managed to come to some
kind of understanding to a greater or lesser degree - I have been there. And I see
why the relationship and kids/g'kids etc are not something to be thrown away lightly.

But, on the other hand, I really feel for those who end-up with intolerant, basically
transphobic SOs. Destroying or throwing away clothing and other items, throwing the
toys out of the proverbial pram at the sight of a bra-strap, outing their partner to friends
and others, violent outbursts and snide/cruel comments are surely at least as harmful
to a relationship as the 'offense' of daring to pull on a pair of panties.

Some relationships are not worth saving if it's at the expense of your sanity or well-
being. I see it as being little or no different to a GG who stays with a violent and abusive
husband 'for the sake of the kids' or 'what would people think?'.

I don't think you can really compare cross-dressing to being violent, a drug-addict or
an alcoholic.

DISCLAIMER: Yes, I am currently single at 64, but it isn't due to CD-ing - it's because
of trust issues due to a disastrous, violent relationship in which I was the recipient (I
never dressed during the course of that relationship. Maybe I should have).

Thank you , You took the words out of my mouth..

Julia - Unfortunately, today's world is a disposable world. If you don't like something, just throw it away and find something new, something better. We tend to treat SO's, friends, even family members in the same manner. Some of us are of the older generation, and like Kris said, have much of themselves in a deep relationship that was developed with someone over many, many years. You just can't throw all that away. So I ask this question of you. You stated that you found an "SO who loves me completely." That is great, but is that really true? Do you think that person would still feel the same way about you if she found out something about you, that you never disclosed to her in the past, that is beyond her acceptance of "normal?" Everyone has their own personal limits. For some SO's, crossdressing is okay, for others, not so much. This is why I will never tell anyone in my family, or personal friends of mine, about my desire to dress. It is beyond their personal comfort zone and I don't have any right to force my feelings upon them. It is their right to have their opinion on this even if it is in contrast to my opinion. It doesn't mean I don't love my family or friends any less, but I am not going to dispose of them because they don't agree 100% with me. For me, it is best to spare their feelings, we lives own separate lives, and I honor their feelings because I love them unconditionally! Isn't that what makes an SO significant?

Don't get me wrong, I am not trying to put you, and especially your SO, down. I am just trying to get you to think about how people treat each other today and to understand why some stay in the DADT relationships, why some hide their desire to dress, and others get divorced over this. All I ask is you try to understand why some continue in these types of relationships.

I'll flip the question. WTF doesn't she dump me because I am a cross dresser who chooses to accept her wishes to not participate? This sound like one of those situations where I should be telling my wife, if you do not like the fact that I wear a wig, makeup, dress, hosiery and heels, bra, panty and slip hit the highway babe. That's the way it's going to be in this house. My way or the highway. Suck it up!

You could Steph, nothing wrong with that. How do you think it will end? The way you'd expect?

Linda K,
I think you are still coming from a point of view that cross dressing is wrong or makes one less of a person in some way.
We all deserve to be liked and loved for who we are.
So many posts seem to start with the assumption that we are wrong to crossdress.
The need to express our gender identity fluidity is not a choice. It is who we are. No one has the right to tell you to change who you are.

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Originally Posted by Stephanie47

I'll flip the question. WTF doesn't she dump me because I am a cross dresser who chooses to accept her wishes to not participate? This sound like one of those situations where I should be telling my wife, if you do not like the fact that I wear a wig, makeup, dress, hosiery and heels, bra, panty and slip hit the highway babe. That's the way it's going to be in this house. My way or the highway. Suck it up!

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I am afraid with that attitude, in most cases her response would be very clear.

On the other hand talking politely, explaining your desire probably will not go away and trying to make some arrangement would have better results. and then if that fails then perhaps tell her you do intend to keep cross dressing, but will keep it under wraps. Then she can make a decision to accept, or stay.

I'm not going to answer for Linda but there is a bit of a stigma to the activity, obviously not one we would agree with but we have to deal with it as best we can. Linda will share her opinions but I doubt highly she thinks it's wrong or makes her less of a person, yet she might have no choice (currently or future, the past is just that, done and over with) and is enjoying her life as much as you or I, within the context of her situation. I'm currently a soft DADT but have hope that it becomes more open tolerance and possibly occasional participation, either way it will be my situation for the foreseeable future.

I do not believe it is wrong, at all, but I have to acknowledge that not everyone is going to be happy or even OK with it, just as I have some very strong beliefs on topics which are not shared and even completely opposite of the beliefs of some I care deeply about. The feelings between married people as well as any children are much more intricate and often impossible to untangle but we will all have to develop the best solution possible. I truly wish it was as simple as your last two sentences and I do believe society is moving much faster than we know towards that but there will always be some who disagree, just have to learn to ignore the haters to the greatest extent possible.

The best part of this site is that it reaffirms our knowledge that CDing is not wrong, not something wrong with us but we will likely/possibly have friends and family who disagree.

Are you narsisstic? No one is ever totally accepted. You look for someone who can appreciate most of who you are. This means sometimes you have to compromise and live with lesser in one area in order to enjoy greater in the whole.

There are a wide variety of sites that explain that behavior pattern, but the simple test is "do I give up something of me, in order to make life better for another." If that answer is no, the self examination is needed.[We have a daughter like that and she is hard to live with. Hopefully that is not you.] If that answer is yes, then figure out what about CD can be not either THIS or THAT. There are gradiants, and it sounds like you desperately need to find a new one.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Julia B

Linda K,
I think you are still coming from a point of view that cross dressing is wrong or makes one less of a person in some way.
We all deserve to be liked and loved for who we are.
So many posts seem to start with the assumption that we are wrong to crossdress.
The need to express our gender identity fluidity is not a choice. It is who we are. No one has the right to tell you to change who you are.

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I am not addressing whether crossdressing is "right or wrong." The obvious thing we are missing here is if we adopt that attitude, then we aren't considering the feelings of our SO. If we say, "I want you to agree with me or we are finished," then we are trying to force them to think the same way as us, just like you think they are trying to force us to think their way. We are liked and loved for who we are but I agree with Donna, "no one is totally accepted for who they are." For the SO, we are just the best one for them.

In my second marriage, I gave up playing in bands because I spent a lot of time rehearsing and playing gigs. It bothered my wife because we weren't doing much together as a couple and she didn't want to go to all the gigs I played in. It's understandable. But music is a huge part of me, more than anything else, and I was willing to give that life up for her. Her compromise was to let me buy a 12-string guitar and I got to play at the church we attended. But we were able talk about it and worked out a compromise that was satisfactory to both of us.

My wife is very understanding but she has her limits. She will not go out with me, and although I like to wear my denim jeggings out she draws the line when we are with friends and family. Life is about compromises whether you are CD, Trans or whatever. Seeing life with a black and white perspective will only cause more angst.

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Originally Posted by Angela1954

Life is about compromises whether you are CD, Trans or whatever. Seeing life with a black and white perspective will only cause more angst.

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Agreed Angela!!

That seems like a strange questio, but I'll answer anyway.

My life is much more than crossdressing. Crossdressing is more like a hobby with me. I love to dress and I am dressed as I am typing this, but I would give up crossdressing before I would give up my wife of forty years, my home and half of my savings and retirement.

From your post, it sounds like you have never been in a long term relationship. Relationships and marriages are full of compromises. Nobody ever found the "perfect" wife or husband. Foe example, last night I suggested something to my wife for dinner tonight. She said she would rather not have that because she didn't really like it. OK, this means it's time for another compromise. We will have something else.

Leaving a wife, family and home over crossdressing seems pretty extreme to me.

Because there is so much more to life than being trans or a CD. I am certainly trans to a relatively small degree, my wife knows that she accepts that 100%. But she has her own standards, rules, placed on her from a young age by society, as it was 50 years ago. I am free to quite literally climb mountains, when I choose. I am not free to walk outside my house dressed as I am right now. I will always be who I am. I will always have to either accept or ignore the opinions of other people that my life crosses. I choose to accept what my wife puts up with about me and supress other parts that she does not accept. Our relationship is more important than the individual desires of either of us. If you don't get that then you may not yet have found the one partner that you can enjoy the rest of your life with, Happily we have.

Some times I wonder that too. But I am still with her 40+ years latter. She generally accepts my CDing but doesn't like it. There was a time when we girls would go out together 40- years ago but along came kids and that kind of ended. She doesn't like it so I tend to hid it. "My bad" I do love her which I guess is why we're still together and there is a lot invested it. I don't dress that often maybe once a month, I could dress more but just don't have the desire. I have my stash in a rented locker with a few other of us girls Lately I have been think I may be over my CDing. Is that possible that I am "cured"? doubt it. But that last few times I have dressed I just wasn't that into it. When I had the house to my self I would go full CD for days on end but lately when that happens "the thrill is gone" Is it an age thing? or have I just out grown my bra? That's my answer

We compromise something everyday of our life whether it?s at work home or elsewhere. How much we compromise is proportional to how meaningful that person is in our life. The more we care about them the more we are willing to compromise to make them happy.

As Dan Savage says, there is no perfect one for each of us. Our mates are a .69 or .75 that we round up to one. My wife doesn't fully accept my dressing but she is reasonably tolerant. I've managed to find acceptance from others who I've met.

My wife and I are somewhat independent so I let her do her thing and I do mine. She's Australian so she spends about two (or more) months longer in Australia each year than I do, spending time with her friends and family. I don't begrudge her that (because of Covid, we spent 6 months apart in 2020). You have to be flexible to make a long-term (30 years in 2022) work.

I'm not but my dressing was a non-issue as far as I was concerned. I was in an abusive marriage.
My dressing was just one of the many things she beat me up about.
If it had been the only issue, I might have stayed but letting my sons think that what I endured was acceptable was NOT something I could live with.
Like a lot of other girls have said, you have to look at the total package and our dressing is just one piece of the puzzle.

I have to wonder how many CD'ers that ended up single where the CD'ing was really the cause of the break up, or if it was just the straw the broke the camel's back?

I see many here that are divorced, but say CD'ing was not the issue.

Then I see a few CD'ers that I like to call renegade CD'ers because the message to the SO was accept or hit the road, so with that, she probably hit the road!

I'll speak for myself. I was a fool who saw who I thought my wife was on the road to becoming. And on her best days she is that person but our best days are rare. The rest is cost benefit analysis. Divorce is expensive. Custody fights are hard on kids. being able to wear what I want but being broke and knowing I put my 6 year old son through hell isn't worth it to me. Had I been wiser I would have fought this battle with my wife when losing was an acceptable option.

I have all ways been of the same mind-set as Julia B. I've been married 3 times and CDing has not been an issue in any of them. 1st one was the only divorce and that wasn't because of my dressing and she knew before we got married. Second one was a Love Story that ended in her passing. And the third is my current and last. They excepted it even though I didn't tell them until we had been married a couple of months so bailing was a option without a lot of legal hassle. But I wasn't going to change period and I never made that anything but plain. Besides they (the last 2) loved me from day one and wanted the real me what ever that included. Same as I felt for them. I don't understand how you can love someone and not want to know and want to be part of their entire life.

Maybe character counts for something, to have both competence and character, as General Schwarzkopf challenged us thirty years ago. To have something inside that enables me to look myself in the mirror. King David of old described a man of great character as someone who keeps his promises even when circumstances turn those vows against him. Such a person does not always win but maybe triumph over myself is the greatest victory.

" ... but if only you could see her through my eyes;
then you would know how I feel."

In the big picture - the world is half male & half female so " gender" issues, friction between POVs etc are a natural part of the human condition and don't go away if one chooses a single life.