Is there any way to stop crossdressing?
I tried several times, but the urge is too strong and after a month, sometimes even shorter period, I start once again.
All begun from my problems with gynecomastia.
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Is there any way to stop crossdressing?
I tried several times, but the urge is too strong and after a month, sometimes even shorter period, I start once again.
All begun from my problems with gynecomastia.
Nope. No way to stop. If there were then this forum would be a lot less crowded. Lol. Funny thing that I started crossdressing when I was 7 and then over the years worked on obtaining gynecomastia. Now I can’t stop obsessing over my breasts.
Ps: Welcome to the fray!
You may not be asking the right group for an answer to that question. Anyone who has stopped cross dressing has likely also stopped frequenting this forum.
In my opinion, and that is all it is, a motivated person can stop cross dressing. As someone who has tried to stop and succeeded for a while, I know how difficult it can be. I totally abstained for up to 18 months in a vain attempt to reconcile with my ex wife. I probably could have continued with abstinence beyond that time, but my motivation ended when it became clear that reconciliation was not in the cards.
Motivation is really the starting point, so be clear with yourself on why you feel you want to quit cross dressing. Then remember that abstinence itself is a day by day endeavor. If you want to change any behavior, you really have to take it a day at a time and celebrate each daily success. And do not feel to badly if you slip up occasionally. Backsliding is just another step in the process.
It's just like stopping smoking. I've stopped hundreds of times, but when I wake up the next morning *******.
Statistics have it that the more you try quitting smoking the more chances you have that the next attempt will be the right one (this is why it isn't necessarily the end of the world to start smoking again, as long as you don't quit trying to stop). By that same measure, the more you try stopping the CDing the more chances you have to succeed one day.
Now, is CDing an addiction?
Your gender identity is part of who you are. That will not change. Yes, you can modify your behavior, to some extent, but the "urge" will never go away. Save yourself a lot of needless guilt and suffering and find a way to accept yourself for who you are.
You probably have to consider it an addiction. At some point, my brain received a dose of endorphins in a CD situation and now craves it.
In disguise, I feel happy and fulfilled.
I don't accept it in myself, however.
First of all, CD is a threat to my family life, work life, the areas most important to me.
This is also the fundamental motivation to end CD.
You can see that there come times that it's not strong enough.
Life on a seesaw.
Dont stop until you get enough. But sometimes you need more than enough .I have been on and off the seesaw and rollercoaster for 50 years.Good luck.
you cant its impossible.
Why would I want to?:battingeyelashes::battingeyelashes:
I have stopped smoking 3 years now 2 packs a day. I have stopped drinking 17 years. Not so sure I would want to tackle cross dressing. It's associated with too many good feelings and would be extremely difficult for me.
If one consciously suppresses it and does it long enough, it becomes an ingrained behavior. I think that is the closest one can get to "stopping".
I managed to hold back for 30 years and, in hindsight, the thought of crossdressing was never far from my mind. Eventually, I realized holding it back was making me miserable and the reasons for suppressing it were, while not totally gone, considerably diminished, so I finally accepted myself as I am and relented.
That was five years ago. I could have acted on it at least a decade earlier. Since I've accepted this part of me, I have acted on it and come out to a few select friends. I'm definitely happier now. I wouldn't recommend suppressing it, but there you are.
I don't think comparing crossdressing to smoking is a good analogy. One's gender identity is in no way comparable to a chemical dependence acquired by one's own free will.
Mark Twain once said "to giving up cigars is easy. I've done it a hundred times." I might say the same about cross dressing. I've gotten a bit better at it lately which would make it that much harder to stop.
I've said before, it is possible to quit physically doing it. Please pardon the comparison, but it can be a little like alcoholism. Someone may quit drinking, but they remain an alcoholic. You may quit dressing up, but the urge will remain in you.
So, if you are convinced to quit, the first step would be to avoid this forum. This forum is an enabler! Here you are encouraged to dress up and enjoy it.
Next, set small goals of not dressing, and keep stretching them. Do NOT purge, at least not for a while. Just store things away securely, in such a way that it would be an effort to get at them. Once you have succeeded in long periods of not dressing (months), you can discard some things. And reward your successes -- be it going out, a fun activity, anything you enjoy.
The real question is whether you must stop or regulate it. Can dressing up be something you can enjoy occasionally? It is important to get it under control lest it control you.
Best of luck with your efforts.
Gonna echo what most are saying: it's best to learn to accept yourself as you are. You will feel much better in the long run if you're not dedicating willpower to suppressing something that is just part of who you are. You can try some therapy to help you learn to cope and live with this, but I would warn against any therapist that claims they will "cure" you of it.
hi Betty,
why do you want to stop?
luc J
jacques asks a great question; why do you want to stop?
I think there are plenty of men who try crossdressing. I've read before that more than 50% of adult males have tried it at some point. But, the actual percentage of men who are truly crossdressers is far smaller. For those who are not, it's a passing curiosity. This doesn't sound like a passing curiosity for you. Given that, I think it's highly unlikely you can stop. Further, the negative mental health aspects of trying to suppress it could be damaging in the long run, both to you and those around you.
If we could stop, this forum likely wouldn't exist. I very much enjoy crossdressing, and can't imagine my life without it. But, if I could have a choice about being a crossdresser or not? Yeah, I wouldn't be a crossdresser. It's caused quite a few problems in my life, ones that I wish I had never had to deal with. Beginning age 23, I finally realized it was going to be impossible to stop. That began my journey of self acceptance that continues to this day, decades after that moment.
I know, because when I first came to CD.com I was so excited all I could think about day and nite, was dressing! Being married with kids I could NOT let them know!:thumbsup:
But, I was consumed! Couldn't sleep or concetrate at work or on anything else!:doh:
So, what did I do? I decided to dress every time I thot about it. In the middle of the nite when the family slept. At work in a store room. In my car, under dressing. In motels when out of town on business. After 3 months of this manic possession I was so exhausted and burned out, I completely st the desire to dress.:thumbsdn:
For a time, I was sure it was gone for good! Of course, that's now how it works. But, 3 months later when the desire returned I made a deal with myself:
I would dress whenever the impulse struck like I had during my manic period. And, just knowing that released me! Since then, over 10 years ago, I've found a few times a month is enuff to satisfy me!:battingeyelashes:
I strongly suggest my, "Excessive dressing", therapy method for anyone who needs to cut back!:devil:
Instead of thinking that there is "Something wrong" with Crossdressing, perhaps you should discover "What crossdressing DOES FOR you". There is a possibility, then that you might substitute something else that will do the SAME THING for you that Cross-dressing does. Just do THAT (whatever it is) instead and you will no longer have to cross-dress.--- I have no idea what the answer is, but THIS change in attitude will redirect your thoughts, and help YOU find an answer, if there is one. Personally, I cross-dress to "detach" from my own self and "de-stress". If I could find something else that did that for me (like serious writing, etc) I could do THAT instead, but Cross-dressing does not bother me, and it works for me for what I need.-- I won't change unless I would HAVE to.
No, the urge will always be with you. Strong or weak it is there. Don't fight it, let it guide you. And if you don't dress for awhile that is ok. But you can never totally get rid of it. I know I have tried.
Once again Kim has nailed it.Quote:
Originally Posted by kimdl93
IMO no you cannot ever stop, I tried and was I thought successful but after many years it came back very strong. Once I accepted CDing as a part of who I am I was much happier.
Thank you for sharing your experiences honestly, now I know that what I am experiencing in others runs similarly.
I also needed such a "confession".
I am already in my fifties. For years I successfully kept my inclination in check and suddenly something snapped.
As I got older, my problems with gynecomastia intensified.
I once tried on my wife's bra to convince myself that it wasn't so bad. The effect was the opposite, it fit.
A few days later, the underwear was joined by a blouse and then a skirt.
When my wife wasn't home for a few days, I took out from the bottom of the closet a wig that had been lying around for twenty years, put on makeup and left the house.
If someone had pointed a finger at me, treated me like a freak, I probably would have been "cured."
Meanwhile, completely no one noticed me, so the exits were repeated.
One day I visited a second-hand store.
There were a lot of ladies in it, picking through the sales. They were trying things on, advising each other.
After a while, one of them included me in her group, handing me some clothes, with the statement that it was nice, but too big on her and just right on me.
I returned home with a pile of blouses, skirts and dresses.
I kept them hidden for a couple of months, when the opportunity arose - I tried them on, until I forced myself with difficulty and threw them away.
The clothes I could throw away, the boobs I grew in my old age - no.
Every day, when I see myself in the mirror, thoughts that I look like a woman are difficult to repel and the desire to repeat the adventure returns with redoubled force.
I want it and I don't want it.
I enjoyed wearing panties for many years, starting when I was 12. I didn't wear often, but when the desire hit, there was only 1 cure.
A little more than 22 years ago, I was able to start buying my own panties. 6 months later I felt guilty about having my own panties and I purged them all. Within a week or two, I had restocked my stash. The cycle continued: buy, purge, buy, purge, for about 17 years. My collection had grown to 70+ panties.
That's it. I've had it. I'm done. No more. My final purge tossed out so many pretty panties!
I was good for about 6 months. The desire was b burning strong, i HAD to wear panties. Society seemed more accepting of those who are different. My decision now was to stop wearing boxer briefs and to wear panties every day.
Now, 6 years later, I wear happily every day. I discovered the joys of wearing bras shortly after.
The desire to fully dress is strong, but I have many obstacles. My bras and panties help keep that desire in check. I know I can't stop. I don't want to stop any more. I've accepted that I wear what I like to wear.
It all depends on why you dress in the first place. For most the motivation rests very deep in our sense of who we are. But if you are among those who do not actually have those deep sensations and it is simply a habit or a fetish then, with work and effort, one can stop in the same way that you can break a habitual behavior. Then it is simply like stopping drinking, smoking, etc. Hard but entirely feasible. Otherwise it can be managed but not eliminated. The motivator is more likely a fundamental part of you rather than a habit or an addiction. That is why if you go to a therapist few will help you quit but most well help you to accept it and adapt it to your environment. Often one session is all they need to determine whether it is habitual or fundamental to your personality characteristics.
If you manage it by repressing it and it is fundamental then it is likely the pressure will build and the desire will affect you more and more deeply, possibly leading to the formation of a depression which is where, after awhile, your brain adapts to that stress, considers it normal, and alters the brain chemistry to keep you in a depressed state. In other words, you need to have an outlet for that internal need to avoid falling into depression. Once in awhile you need to connect completely with that part of your total identity. And the more that part of your identity dominates your sense of self the more you will need to satisfy that aspect of your identity. It looks like a habit but isn't. A gender therapist can help you identify which it is. The habit is uncommon; the need is far more likely. In idealistic theory nobody should desire to express as the opposite sex, but idealistic theory is, well, idealistic and does not recognize the finer points of the reality.
I rarely ever dress fully the way I frequently did in the past. But for me this part of me is a bit different than others. For me it is very internalized and so bits and pieces dressing is usually sufficient because for me it is more a psychological process whereas for many others it is both psychological and physical. Nevertheless, it often builds to the point where I do need to use a complete female-like expression to restabilize. Thus for others the need to dress is much stronger - sometimes 90% of who they are. It is all part of the tremendous variation in people like us. We are all different.
The gynecomastia was likely a trigger for the possible presence of a predisposition to identify, to some extent or other, as female-like and engage in female-like behaviors to satisfy the effects of the now active predisposition. Then there is the question of why the gynecomastia happened in the first place. Hormones? Maybe. But, if it is a triggered predisposition is the case then you are superficially stuck - most predispositions, once activated, are next to impossible to turn off. Few seem to have off switches. You can only adapt to its requests and/or demands. If the longer you do not dress the more intense the desire becomes, even with management techniques, then the more likely it is an activated predisposition and not just a feel good habit or addiction. Testing the behavior by consciously trying to stop and seeing what happens is the way you can identify its basic demands and how they work. It is part of accepting it as a part of you. Takes time and will power, but the truth will be revealed. Either you will lose the desire (if habitual) or it will grow stronger and stronger and affect you more intensely. It is a part of what has been called Gender Expression Deprivation Disorder. Once the deprivation is addressed the "disorder" disappears but the need for expression remains and is a stable and acceptable part of you.
The only way I know is to put yourself in a situation where there is no female clothing around. You may think about wearing women's clothing, but there would be nothing to wear.
Seems like Mother Nature wants it for you as well. So, maybe the next step is to try and sort out and what you want. You could attempt this yourself or with the help of your partner, a trusted friend or a counselor. Think about in terms of pros and cons/ risks and rewards, values or as simply as how you feel about yourself when you dress as compared to how you feel when you do not. Maybe the answer will reveal itself through that sort of analysis. There is no wrong answer, just choices. And certainly more than one either or choice.Quote:
Originally Posted by Betty70
If that sort of armchair analysis does not work, you can go the path of real life experience, whether its setting aside a few hours a day, days per week, or 24/7 for a length of time. This approach has a built in bias, I suppose, because in my experience spending time presenting as a woman just feels so darn good that it is difficult to stop and frustrating to abstain.
Hi Betty, Once you start acquiring a womens wardrobe and step out in public there is no turning back the urge to get out again only increases. Like you when I hit my fifties the urge intensified as I worked on my style, makeup and all things girly Im not sure I could stop now but my worst fear is how my wife will react someday when we talk it can be very scary. Good luck if your trying to stop not sure its possible.
As some have said, you are probably asking the wrong group. I'm sure that there are those who have quit, but I doubt very much they view any CDing forum after quitting.
The only thing I can add to this is, DO NOT PURGE. at least not right away, you will end up regretting it if you restart. Put what you have in storage, maybe even give it all to a trusted friend to hold for you so you can't easily access the clothes. That way, if you find you need to dress again, you don't have to re-spend all that money.
Thank you very much for sharing your experience. I should rather title the thread not "how to quit" but "how to live with it".
Since analogies to addictions were used: just as an alcoholic is for life, so no doubt is the case with cross-dressing.
I am aware of this, because the desire to crossdress has been in me "forever," however it translated into occasionally trying on my wife's things.
A few months ago, what I have already managed to describe happened. I was struck, first of all, by the ease with which I stepped into a feminine role without raising doubts from random people I met.
I realize that the story presented from the store looks more like a cross-dresser's fantasy than fact, but it actually happened.
In just a month, before I threw away the clothes, I probably scored all the possible fantasies that some people on the forum only shyly mention.
Including going to the philharmonic in an evening gown.
Now, after throwing away dresses, blouses, shoes, skirts, bras, I can't deal with myself.
I keep thinking about it, I keep wanting to do it again.
It interferes with my life, it engages my head too much.
In truth, is what you suggest, to stop things and occasionally let myself "be a woman" has a chance to help for the rest of the time to function peacefully?
Or will it involve me more and more?
What are your experiences?
Become a transwoman, youve nothing to stop then, you can dress 100% of the time
In my experience there was some advantage in spending as much time as my circumstances permitted from the standpoint of understanding myself a bit better and perhaps taking the edge off?satisfying that nagging need. Once accustomed to being dressed for extended periods (I think 2 weeks during that initial immersion) it was a bit easier to focus on activities rather than how I was dressed. In my case, I definitely became more involved.
There have been some problems, most notably, the loss of a marriage?. And I still have difficulty balancing between the two sides of life that I live.
I stopped for about ten years; but the desire wasn't really gone. Everything else in my life was going well, and my mind had simply repressed the crossdressing desires. Long story, the link is in my sig below which explains a lot.
AFAIK, the desire never goes away.
I can stop, but then the frustration from not crossdressing manifests itself into other negative problems, such as becoming irritable, short tempered, difficulty with remembering things, etc.. And the longer I don't give in the the urge, the worse it gets. So my choices are to become an angry, forgetful cranky old man, or just crossdress a bit to calm the inner girl. I chose the latter.
I don't know how others feel it; to me, it's like the old devil on one shoulder, angel on the other, and the little devil is constantly poking me in the ribs, saying, 'Come on, you know you want to do it. Just start with the panties and bra; the rest will be easy'. and the poke in the ribs just keeps getting more frequent and harder to ignore until I can't think of anything else. Meanwhile, the angel just sits there calmly, all dressed up and looking pretty.
And so here I sit, in my cheerleader uniform, watching one of the recorded football games.
I have been riding a wave of pink fog lately. I grasp each opportunity to get pretty and run with it. I know it will have to fade soon as opportunities become weaker. To cope with it I will have to focus more on the many other things I have available. Come spring I will have so many other things to do I will seriously have to more or less pack Geena away for a while. Time will tell.
As far as getting consumed, for me a lot has to do with how well I am doing it. I have finally achieved a full look that satisfies me, so I'm doing things I had wanted to do for so long. I have checked off so many things lately that I'm not sure what I would do. No doubt I will think up something, but, in my circumstances, there is a lot that just isn't feasible. I set restrictions on when I could and when I can't, and let that guide me.
I understand that death stops it...lol.
Not sure though as there have been no confirmed reports.
Hi Betty, no it doesn't go away. The worst phase of my crossdressing was when I was in denial and felt bad about myself. I went through a few purges too, what a waste. This went on for a long time until I got some counseling. When I finally accepted who I am it was a tremendous weight off of my shoulders. It is so important to be able to live with yourself and to really understand what this means to you. I still have to cope with my wife not wanting anything to do with it, but she knows.
I tried for 40 years to stop wearing pantyhose but could not stop. I now accept and love that I am gender fluid and I never want to stop. I am in the closet but it still helps to dress the way I need for my feminine side.
Thank you for allowing me to compare my experience with yours.
I draw the following conclusions:
1. the chances of getting rid of the desire to dress up are zero.
2. Complete renunciation of the realization of this urge raises big emotional problems.
3. Self-acceptance and recognition that I was created this way is necessary.
I would like to eventually achieve self-acceptance and allow myself, without guilt or shame once in a while, to spend a few days in a woman's disguise.
The essential question in the face of such a scenario is:
Will it calm me down, allow me to live without persecuting fantasies, or will it, on the contrary, turn me on even more?
No promises, no guarantees, Betty!:thumbsdn:
U plays the game and takes your chances!:devil:
I would suggest that for purposes of mental health, I wouldn't call dressing up as a "disguise". It isn't a disguise. It's you. Recognition of that is part of the journey of self acceptance.
Are you discussing your feelings with a therapist? If not, I would strongly advise that you begin with that conversation before any other explorations. Try to identify the root of your feelings. Try to tease out separate what is exciting from what is fulfilling. Discuss the obsessive thoughts. You are likely to discover that there are a variety of needs, desires, beliefs and insecurities interacting.Quote:
Originally Posted by Betty70
In particular, avoid reducing all your emotions to a single cause. If you are patient enough with yourself, and open to a range of possibilities
I'm a crossdresser. It took me a long time to accept it. I knew I was a transvestite for a long time, but felt it was just my dirty little secret. When I finally accepted that crossdressing was a fundamental part of who I was, it was one of the happiest times of my life. I now know that crossdressing is a positive, not a negative. I'm proud of my crossdressing. I feel that I'm one of the lucky ones.
Sometimes I dress as a male and sometimes I dress as a female. But which is crossdressing? In female clothing, I feel natural and normal. In male clothing, I feel stiff and uncomfortable. If I ever give up crossdressing, it will be getting rid of my male clothing and living as a woman full time. But that's just me. Whatever your level, remember that crossdressing is a precious gift. Embrace it and be glad.
I have quit smoking for 15 years, I loved it so much that or some reason I still reach in my pocket looking for them and think about them. But for some reason I could surpress this urge. When I was younger I tried over and over, and so many purges of some beautiful items. When I got married I thought this is finally it, there would be no opportunity and it will vanish into the sunset. Well that lasted 2 weeks and the first morning my wife went to work earlier then me and I seen her pantyhose on the floor, it was over. Two weeks that's all it took and that was the day I realized I was going to be a prisoner all my life. That same night I decided to tell her everything, from the first time I tried on my sisters clothes to that same morning I tried on her pantyhose. Thank God that was 30 plus years ago and we are still married but as far as stopping I believe it's in our blood.
Ask yourself why you want to stop. If you have a real deep desire to dress that satisfies something in your inner self , just dress . You aren't hurting anyone and if it makes you happy go ahead and do it. Otherwise you will probably just make yourself miserable by quitting altogether. I know when I don't dress for a while I get miserable. Just don't purge everything before you sort everything out with yourself. You will end up regretting it. I went through the asking myself when I was younger and I realized I was just letting the other part of me out instead of keeping it suppressed. I have to dress or I become miserable when I don't for a while. That's probably what you are going through. I could never quit dressing for good. I wouldn't be able to live with myself.
Serious question- Why do you want to?
Hi Betty,
Is there any way to stop crossdressing? Probably not, and most here have said it. And like most I have tried many times and not succeeded. Just remember there is nothing wrong with you! Take care Brenda
Thank you for the opportunity to talk about my problem, the problem - because I am still a little short of self-acceptance.
If I came across a therapist from whom I would not be afraid to discover and who has the necessary experience - I would take advantage. So far, such a one is lacking.
I would like to stop because:
1. thinking about dressing up involves me too much.
Instead of reading a good book I browse women's fashion sites.
2. for nothing in the world I would not want any of my relatives or friends to see me as a woman and practicing dressing up will lead to this sooner or later.
3. as above, with regard to my wife: I would cause her pain and disappointment with this.
4. I would prove too susceptible to "development" in this direction.
In a few months I went from trying on bras to going out regularly as a woman in public places, with virtually no inhibitions.
5. the above fact is due to the fact that I look rather convincing, for example, I happened to try on dresses in a store without arousing interest or sensation. I therefore lack the natural inhibitions that others often have.
6. the above may lead me to the point where I want to function as a woman 7/24 and this excludes the realization of responsibilities to the people around me. And these I want to fulfill to the grave, which is otherwise closer than further away.
7 I have noticed that many people involved in cross-dressing are very focused solely on themselves, and I don't want to be like that.
Phew... Thank you for your question. Thanks to it, I also finally answered myself.
I probably won't make it to the end, but maybe at least a little.
I'll write when I have some practical experience of my own.
In fact, I already have the first one:
My wife left for two days to visit her daughter, so I immediately put on her things in the morning, some of which fit. I wanted to go for ordinary shopping, as a woman. However, a size-fitting jacket was missing, because it was already cold, and shoes for cold days (summer sandals would fit), because the ones I had - I threw away.
I walked around the house for another hour or two. Then the urge to be a woman passed me by and I returned to my male identity.
Conclusions:
1. the impaired availability of matching things helps.
2) The fact that I had more before, i.e. being a woman in public, made dressing up in front of the mirror no longer attractive.
You said it all in these first two sentences. From what you describe in the rest of your post, you have some serious gender identity issues that you need to deal with. No, I do not mean to suggest that you should be looking to "cure" yourself. You need to come to grips with who you are and the conflict you're currently imposing upon yourself.Quote:
Originally Posted by Betty70
Yes, it's a scary path, and the further down it you proceed, the greater the chance of hurt and rejection from those closest to you. Yes, your dedication to them is noble, but it may not be worth it if they can not find it in themselves to accept you for who you are. Again, get professional help to understand where you are and, hopefully, find a path forward that you can live with. The alternatives are often bleak.
I think anyone can quit if they really want too , problem is no one really wants too , and those that really want to know that they can never forget and so will always be a ........
Anyone who tells you that you can't stop crossdressing is an "enabler". It's giving you permission to keep dressing. It's the same thing as making excuses for an alcoholic or drug addict and it's bad advice.
The way to stop crossdressing is to simply stop wearing women's clothes. Who dresses you in the morning, you or someone else? Is someone forcing you to put on panties and a bra? I suspect not.
It's a matter of willpower, nothing more. You have the ability to choose the panties and bra or the tighty whities and a T shirt. It's similar to quitting smoking, alcohol or illegal drugs. Actually, quitting crossdressing is easier because there is no physical dependence like there is for tobacco, alcohol or drugs.
I'm not saying that it is easy, but if you want or need to quit, it is entirely within your own mind. Just do it.
Short answer for me, "you can do anything you want to"
I have been faced with many challenges in life, Sometimes you have to make things happen if you really want.
If that is truly what you want or need in your life is to stop.
then you will make it happen.