How do I tell him that I know his secret?

Hi everyone. My fiance likes to wear women's shoes and may have an interest in crossdressing (I only have confirmation on his shoe collection). The problem is he has no idea that I know.

I don't currently live with him but do spend most nights at his place. That still gives him free time to do his thing (wearing shoes, shopping for shoes online, and checking out TV websites), but soon I will be moving in and he's not going to have as much secret time, especially since I am done with work several hours before he gets home in the evenings.

I've known about the shoe thing since February of this year, and have discovered the TV/TG websites in the past couple of months. I just don't know how to approach it without him freaking out.

Part of me wants to let him know now what I know--including how I found out--and that I am accepting of it (at least of what I know/think I know right now). Part of me thinks I should wait until after the wedding to tell him how long I have had my suspicions so I can prove that it doesn't bother me.

The hints just aren't working on my part. I think they're just making him more uncomfortable.

I just don't want to spend the rest of our lives together with him stressing that I'd leave him if I knew.

I know that most of you girls (especially those with clueless or unaccepting SOs) will tell me how happy you would be if you had me, but how would you want your wife/gf to approach you? And GG's what advice do you have for me?

Thanks in advance!

-lizbeth

To the degree that you can work that stuff out BEFORE the wedding, the time after the blessed event will be better.

Just sit down with him and talk to him about it and let him know you love him. Do away with the hints, just be open and honest about it. You never did say how you found out.

What more could he ask.

Susan

Lizbeth... Are you sure that he is not a shoe or foot fetishist?

Either way TV or Footman, I would think it best dealt with, just be sure as you can which his secret is.
A "Total Honesty" five minutes is perfectly reasonable for two lovers taking the leap.
A suitable gift (perfume) might be added reassurance.
Be prepared for his guilt to come rushing out!

I sincereley hope you have a wonderful marriage. Good Luck both.


I misunderstood you comment Tekla, my appologies.

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Originally Posted by swiss_susan

You never did say how you found out.

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Prtecisely my thoughts. Might there be more of an issue as to how you found out rather than what you found out?

How I found out: I was using his computer like I often do.

I typed an address into the address box and a women's shoe-related site popped up. My curiosity got the best of me and I went into his history folder. Lots of views of size 11 shoes on ebay and other sites. This wasn't enough to confirm anything, but later I found evidence that he had ordered some, and a little while that in a bit of drunken bravery I peeked in a small duffel bag while he was downstairs: it was full of shoes.

I wish I had just talked to him about finding the stuff online and asked him then, because it is only in the past few months that I saw the TV/TG websites he has been checking out. He doesn't appear to be shopping for clothing other than shoes though.

I hate that I did this snooping, because when I do tell him I will obviously have to admit to this. That doesn't make it any easier!

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Originally Posted by Ellaine

Lizbeth... Are you sure that he is not a shoe or foot fetishist?

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As you'll notice in that last post, that was my original thought, but now that he's spending so much time looking at TG/TVs. pure curiosity? Maybe. I just want to be prepared if it does develop into more than just a shoe thing.

Hi Lizbeth,

First, I would completely agree with Tekla, I would definitely try to get this out into the open before your wedding. Just as any crossdresser should "come out" to his SO prior to a weddiing, so should you address this prior to yours. Chances are, if he assumes you don't know, he is probably struggling with if and how to address this issue with you already, so not only will this help you know where he stands, it will relieve what is possibly a great deal of stress and guilt on his part.

As for how to bring it up, it's very likely that he is getting your signals, but is either afraid that he is misunderstanding them, or is just too afraid of your response once your suspicions are confirmed. While every couple is different, and there is never a perfect time to bring issues like this up, I would just suggest that you have this talk at the same type of time that you have any other serious relationship talk, preferably though, in private though, since it's a sensitive topic.

Just be prepared for any response from him, from total denial, to a total breakdown. Once he truly understands how much you obviously care for him, and how this doesn't change how you feel about him, he'll probably open up in a way you could have never imagined. I wish you the best of luck!

Renee

If you plan on living together, you should be able to talk about ANYTHING!!!!

Be open and talk about it. Keeping secrets is not good for building a solid relationship. Just find a calm moment, sit with him to talk, and tell him you know, and that you don't judge him for it. Get to know more... Let him go at his own pace and make sure he knows you love him and will keep on loving him.

But don't keep this secret and expect things to magically unfold ;)

It's important for both of you. For him, it's important to know that this is not some "dirty shame" that should be kept hidden". For you, it's important to know what's going on, to be able to trust him, if you intend on sharing his life. It's also important to progressively set your comfort ground. You may not be willing to let him take this into a very active crossdressing hobby... This may not be comfortable for you.

And yes, he may indeed just be a fetichist. That wouldn't make him less of a person, however... I mean... Who knows, he might just love to see you wearing sexy shoes from time to time, wouldn't be such a terrible thing ;)

One good thing Liz you not going into this in denial. But I have problems with the snooping. I did it once and I got hurt not knowing the real reasons for what I had found. So it comes down to trust in my book, but you now have opened the magic lamp and the genie is out it's time to talk.

:hugs:

Hi Lizbeth... well how would you like to be approached if someone found out a secret about you? I agree that you need to tell him you know and and the sooner, the better. If it were me, instead of accusing him of doing this, I would ask him to help you understand why he is doing it. It would be nice if you could confirm if he is a shoe fetishist or a CD/TG, but it's really not all that important. The important thing is that if the two of you are planning on spending the rest of your lives together, then you BOTH need to have the freedom to approach each other on any issue.

Makes a great case for a little computer security now and again.

If you can determine his sho preferences and the contents of his "collection" from the information you have, you might indicate your acceptance by buying him an nice pair of size 11's that do not duplicate what he has already.

Then you can find a reason to present them to him as a gift and a note something to the effect of "I'd like to see you in these".

I con't see why it would freak him out if you indicate acceptance this way. Who knows, it may lead to bigger and better things.

Lizbeth,
In some ways I'll run counter to some who have posted here and say that it might be best to be very patient indeed and allow your boyfriend the time to work out in his/her own mind just what it is that he needs to be. Due to the amount of social conditioning that most of us get as we grow up there is a HUGE shame factor that a CD/TV/TS needs to work past before he/she can accept themselves as what they are - and until they "come out" to and accept themselves they cannot be open to others - even at the cost of losing someone that they love. It may take a form of being "blind" to or ignoring some things that you think should be shared. One of the traps we as trans folk get into is the feeling that if we love someone enough, get married, have a family that we will "be cured" - but it is an illusion. It may take a long time - I was 45+ before I finally worked things out and accepted that I really was a woman despite what my body proclaimed. There is no easy solution - no "quick cure" - there will also be a lot of pain along the way - for both of you - but if you truly love this individual then it may be that you can have a relationship with someone who really does truly love you - even if temporarily they feel that they need to hide some aspect of their inner being. Guess I've rambled on enough here - feel free to contact me via PM if you wish - I'll try to answer questions and point you to resources as you go.

Peace and Blessings,

I'd say forget the "having a talk' about things and 'dropping hints'. Don't make an issue of it.

Do something practical. Next time you go shopping for clothes for yourself take him with you. Wander around the racks and get his reaction. Most guys would run a mile than be seen in lady's department of any store. If he's OK wandering around with you, it's either love or fascination (probably both). One of the best tests you can try is to get him to hold your handbag while you go through various items. Again, most guys will run a mile rather than hold a women's handbag. There are other things you can do too, but try the simple things first.

Deanna,

With all due respect, I couldn't disagree more. This isn't a game, this isn't about seeing what he will do or won't do. This is about an adult relationship, and everything it entails.

I understand that this forum is a place of support, but I also see that it often becomes an ivory tower that gives a false sense of security when it comes to our fantasies. As tg folk of all sort, we each dream of and hope for acceptance from our SOs, and it takes many forms.

For some, it may be a matter of being surprised by a pair of heels by our wife, or it could be our girlfriend asking us to hold her purse while shopping. But in the real world, whether a man likes shopping with his wife or holding her purse has little to do with the secrets that he may or may not be comfortable sharing.

Lizbeth, to "test" your man in the way that has been suggested will be no more productive than throwing out the random hints that you have already tried. It will only confuse him and frustrate him.

Yes, in our fantasy world, our SO will surprise us with a gift of heels, or a dress, or skirt, or whatever we wish that signals her acceptance and embracing of this side of ourselves. But in the REAL world, such an act, if presented to someone who is in the closet or otherwise totally afraid of opening up to this side of themselves, is not likely to lead to a storybook scene, but one of discomfort and stress. Just as most gg partners don't go from 0 too 100% acceptance in 5 seconds, nor will a cd who has been in the closet go from hiding it to 100% openness in the same amount of time. It is a process of trust and opening up.

Don't play games, just be real...

Renee

Please if you know and you don't have a problem tell him, put him at ease with this and not on a spot, I was put on a spot and it did not feel right even though she never said don't do it again.

I would discuss it now. He might be debating as to whether to purge or not (that is throw everything out). That would be such a waste for him to pitch all that he has and then find out you are supportive. He would not be the first one to purge everything in prep for his fiance moving in.

Jodi

Relationships founded on secrets are castles made of sand.

Be honest and open from the jump in your relationship. No secrets ever! He's got to agree to do the same!!!:D

Oh, and if you move in with him, and don't do this ahead of time, your nuts! Sorry, my 2 cents!

Tekla, I like the remark about castles mad of sand.

Lizbeth, if I were in your SO's position, I'd love it if you cuddled up to me and whispered in my ear, "Do you know what I'd like, I'd like to make love to you while you're wearing your high heels, right now!" I've seen in another thread that you could handle this, though not making love when he's fully en-femme. If he starts to protest, then use your best seduction technique to say that you don't want to talk about it now, you want him first, in his heels and nothing else, then he can tell you all about it later, because you really want do to know him better. If he's concerned that you might have been snooping, you could first suggest that if he wanted to keep it a secret, then he shouldn't be so careless about what he leaves on his computer for you (or anyone else!) to stumble across. And in any case, you'd hope that he was going to tell you all about himself before he married you, and maybe he was waiting for the right moment to break the ice, so you decided to break it for him. Then you can get assurance of 100% honesty and get into a real heart to heart. You obviously love him tremendously, so make sure he knows that's why you want to know everything about him. From there, it should be easy for him to open up to you. I only wish that had happened to me 40 years ago!

Good luck,
Tony

My Lord people! This is not a story on Fictionmania, and this is not about what you would have LOVED to have happen to you! This is about what happens between two adults in a serious relationship! Transfering your fantasies onto someone else doesn't help them, it just helps you fantasize.

I may be totally off base here, but if we each look honestly into ourselves, how many would really expect to have a fantasy situation go exactly as we'd like? If you were completely in the closet, deathly afraid to tell your SO about yourself, and afraid how she'd react, and you were in bed with her, and out of the blue, she asked you to wear a pair of heels, would you really just hop up and put them on? Or would you be kind of freaked out, trying to figure out what was happening, how she felt, etc...

I hate too be harsh, but I'm tired of reading about girls who, in an honest attempt to help someone else, simply recount what their fantasies are or how they would like things to have gone with their SOs. No one, not even Lizbeth, knows how her man will respond to her letting him know that she knows, so why place additional pressure on her by expecting some amazing emotional or sexual event? The truth is that opening up and acceptance is not something that happens overnight, and to expect otherwise is to feed into the fantasies that so often invade our realities.

Renee

Yeah, what Tekla said!

Lizbeth,

I agree with several others that it is important to have an open and honest relationship. Hiding something from your SO just adds to whatever stress you may be under. With your attitude about CDing, I suspect the snooping will be a bigger issue than the CDing. Does he know you use his computer? If so, it may be that he was hoping you would find the websites and bring it up. Then again he may just not have thought about that happening. It's hard to say from here.

The one thing I am certain of is that you will have a stronger more stable marriage if you don't keep secrets.

My guess is that he is afraid of your reaction to his secret and will be relieved to know you are accepting.

Good luck.

Debbie GG:2c:

Lizbeth,

I was first going to jokingly say you should pull the freaking-out "who is this other woman whose shoes I found" routine, but I think you have an in to the topic. You owe the man an apology for snooping into the history of his web browser. It's not the worst offense, but if you snooped, you snooped. So maybe you should begin by apologizing and then ask him "what is this all about?"

If the CDing doesn't make a difference to you, be sure you let him know that. Most of us who have a significant other are/were terrified of losing her. The others deeply want a wife/girlfriend who understands them. The reassurance from my wife that she loves me and will keep me, lingerie and all, means the world to me. I don't know what I'd do without her.

Problems that are ignored or minimized before marriage do not go away once the marriage begins. Even if you end up calling off the wedding the day beforehand and sending back all the presents, it's better to explore all the issues you can now, while both of you can go your separate ways if need be. I've heard that half of marriages fail. You can improve the odds that yours lasts your lifetime by dealing with the issues beforehand.

Hey Renee, I don't know what star sign you are, but it must be the hardnosed one. You are right though, fantasy (or any other) situations don't just happen. Positive relationships don't happen without effort. People have to work hard at them for them to work out to mutual advantage. Sh** happens, but good luck has to be carefully planned and managed.

What is required here is subtly - not a question out of the blue like 'Do you want to tell me all about your secret desire to wear femme shoes' and 'do you have more diverse desires to dress in femme gear and do makeup as well?' The guy probably has a long held secret that he isn't go let it all hang out on a nanosecond's notice.

My earlier suggestion was not fantasy, flight of fancy or sociological experiment. I've seen it happen and with positive outcome.

But hey, anyone can offer advice, but Lizbeth has to make the decision of how to handle her relationship.

Chicas,

I don't fear my SO learning my dark little secret, per se. The thing I fear most is her going negatively berserk about it. "What are you, some kind of queer? You're disgusting, I hate you! Eeeewwwww, you wear girls' underwear sometimes? That's sooo gross! Oh, and by the way, why didn't you trust me with this for twenty-something years? Don't you trust me???" :)

Heaven, for me, would be for that same SO to simply say to me one night, maybe over a nice bottle of wine, "darling, by any chance would you like to explore your feminine side? Wear my clothes? Make love as a woman with me? Because, if you do, that would be OK with me, and I'd still love you like I always have. I just want you to be happy with what you are, whatever it is.".

The very thought brings tears to my eyes, even now. How wonderfully it would change my life, if she would just be accepting, even though I have no reason to expect it, and reach out to me about it. I am stuck, because I have no reason to expect she will understand. But if she understands, she is not stuck, because she knows the truth of both of us.

Lizbeth, in my humble opinion, the opportunity you have before you is priceless. You are in control, because he has no reason to expect you will be accepting. If you are, you owe it to yourselves to simply tell him. Why would he "freak out" about it? You're giving him the crown jewels, the Mona Lisa, and the right to a core identity, all at the same time.

Hugs,
Susie

'I know **** about you - and since I learned that from snooping, now you know my secret, too.'

nicely done DT

I think the snooping could be an issue. But I think your answer is you "tripped" over his shoe collection and you wondered. I think the best approach is one that has already been suggested. Take him shopping in a general store (Target or Kmart in Australia) and while you are browsing in the girls area (with him) ask his views and work around to suggesting something pretty for him - Skirt, this would look nice on you. "You would look good as a girl in this". Bra, his size?, shoes, his size?, knickers, his size?, etc. Be prepared to respond to "How do you know". But you "I love you still", "I'm rather turned on by it"

I think you have to take a risk that he may react badly. But better now than after the wedding.

Frances

You ought to know by now how he likes to be introduced to new concepts... It's a 'couples' thing. You need to approach this the same way as any other 'eeek!' moment.

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Originally Posted by lizbeth GG

I know that most of you girls (especially those with clueless or unaccepting SOs) will tell me how happy you would be if you had me, but how would you want your wife/gf to approach you? And GG's what advice do you have for me?

Thanks in advance!

-lizbeth

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Liz,

Here is what I'd do. Buy him a nice pair and give them to him at his home in private. When he opens the box, tell him you love him and want to share in the fun. You can sort out all the details later. Believe me, he'll love you for it.

Cindianna Jones

Take him out to a nice dinner and someplace midway through simply and gently tell him "I know about the crossdressing and I want to tell you that it's OK with me and I don't want you to feel bad about it." Someplace in his response he'll ask you how you found out. Again, simply and gently telling him that you inadvertently stumbled across the evidence while intending to do something completely different would be a good answer. Gentleness, caring and sensitivity will make all the difference in your conversation......and you DO NEED to have this conversation.

Lizbeth,
I know a lot of those who have posted here have in effect given their view of how they would like an SO to approach them about the whole CD/TV/TS thing - but the advice I gave to go slow is still valid. Why? Because from the sound of your initial post your boyfriend is dealing with denial issues and pushing him on this could well have the effect of sending him even deeper into denial. For him the gift of time to work out his feelings and possibly a blind eye on your part as to some of his activities may be best. In general I recomend that a relationship be open - based on trust on both sides - with no secrets but there are times when one party needs to work out issues before they can talk about them. This may well be one of those times. Good luck and hang in there.

Talk to him about it sooner rather than later if it is left it could cause a lot of hurt and problems. Be honest about how you found out and how you feel about it.

Just be honest...having secrets is what destroys a relationship....get it all out in the open.

I agree with many of the girls here. You have to discuss it right now. Make the discussion a comfortable one. Make it an accepting one. I totally agree with the idea of buying a pair of shoes as a gift to start the conversation. There is no telling where this might lead, but I bet I could hazard a guess or two! Best of luck on this. He is very lucky to have an understanding SO....

Love........:happy: Jillian

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Originally Posted by tekla west

Makes a great case for a little computer security now and again.

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Also makes a case for someone wanting to get discovered, be it subconsciously or consciously. If I didn't want to get found out for anything, I'd make damn sure that there wasn't a way to be found out.

To the OP: You're going to have to bite the bullet, tell him what happened and then reassure him that it won't be a big deal (presuming that it isn't, for you've posted here instead of running for the hills!).

Expect it to be a bit bumpy, but I wish you the best of luck. :thumbsup:

Here's a suggestion you could always hire the film "Billy elliot" one evening... check out billy elliot on the net... it covers a bit of crossdressing in it, a young lad crossdresses in it.... always a suptle ice-breaker and maybe passing a supportive comment about the scene but be positive too and above all be accomodating and cheerful about it lol, as coming out to anyone about being a crossdresser is probably one of the hardest things a guy can ever do.. especially to a loved one....

failing that buy him a gift and box it and leave it on the bed for when he gets home.... a nice skirt or dress maybe, he will feel calmer after a while... as how many would buy an item if they didn't like him doing it.... logic will dawn on him and I feel sure he will come round..... hope this was of help....

I suggest just confessing about stumbling across the internet shoe shopping stuff first. Once you've started dealing with that, you'll have a better idea about how & when to tell him about discovering the duffel bag full of shoes.

Don't mention the fact that you know he's been looking at those TG/TS pics for a while yet. You need to know where he's at with the whole crossdressing thing before you can put those pictures into the right context. It may just be harmless voyeurism, he might be thinking "Are these my kind of people", or he might want to have an affair with a TG.

It's not uncommon for very secretive CDers to freak out when they are discovered, even by a sympathetic loved one: we get so used to hiding we get a bit disoriented by the change. :) We may deny things outright, or distort the truth into what we think might be more acceptable. A strongly closeted CDer (or shoe fetishist) may also have bottled-up shame, guilt & self-loathing to deal with. Without meaning to, he may inflict some of that on to the very one who's trying to help him. I'm not trying to excuse or justify such immature behaviour, I'm simply trying to warn you that it does happen.

I know I would be so relieved, if my wife told me she knew about my "little secret" and was okay with it. For now I'll just stay in the closet.....

You will make him the happiest man in the world even If he doesn't know it at the time.

I appreciate all the responses (wow, I sure got a lot of them!). I especially appreciate the ones who give me different ways to approach talking about it. As for others, I know for many of you you would love it if your SO gave you a skirt to wear or told you that you would look good in a particular piece of clothing.

For me, that is not really an option. Yes, I may be able to say "I bought these shoes because I thought you would like them," but I could not say "It would really make me happy if you wore this [item of clothing]" because that would not be truthful.

I am accepting of this (whatever it is exactly), but I am honestly not mentally ready to see him in anything beyond the shoes if he is in fact interested of wearing anything beyond women's shoes.

I did get some unexpected outside comfort last night. I was hanging out with a girlfriend and she asked if I was planning on inviting a particular guy to the wedding. He is gay, and a friend of mine, but I don't know him all that well.

He doesn't know about the wedding yet, but my friend told me that he will cry when he finds out we are getting married. He apparently told her that his ideal man is a gay version of my guy. I guess that's better than saying my guy should marry him instead of me! :D

Anyway, I'm sure I will have to take some serious steps soon. I will keep you posted.

how 'bout a simple but nice cami/panty set but not much (if any) lace with a matching set of mules or slings? I'll admit that about a week earlier I had told my then girlfriend (now wife of almost 29 years) about my "desires" and this was what she gave me the next time we were together. I'm pretty sure it ment she was accepting....

Jenn

Lizbeth..............

he is going to be breathing a HUGE HUGE sigh of relief that you are accepting of his little "hobby"..........

Get with it girl, just sit down, tell him you know, and that you are "ok" with it..........

It will only pull you both closer, and he will feel like he has NO need to hide anything anymore...........

----Keely

Buy Him A Pair Of Sexy Shoes As A Present

This is one of thouse thread that I wish so much I could help but. I am woundering so many things. I would wait befor doing anything and watch how he reacts. Look at the shoes he has and then see the styles you like. buy a pair for yourself and where them one night while your in a nighty before you make love. ask him if he would rather you leave them on or take them off. also if you open minded go to a xxx store and ask if they have and decent couples movies non hard core or hard core if thats what your into that have a slight shoe and foot theam. watch it togeather and see how he reacts. Talk about the movie after what he like and did not like. what you liked and did not like. I find that the communtication like this helps alot in relationships. or if a movie is to much then mayne leg show magizean or a foot/shoe mag from the store get a few different types and mix them in. research different fetishes togeather and sit and discuss them one by one starting with something that you really like yourself. tell him your fanticies and ask him his. them work togeather to comprimise to work them both into your relationship in a manor that is both loving and respectful of each other.

hope this helps kisses
char

i suggest saying

"I have a sexual fantasy about a guy dressed up all gurly"

you will be married a week later !!

STOP the press!

Although I completely agree with getting what ever this is out in the open.....I think sometimes when we talk in person emotions get in the way. You said in your last post that you were not ready to see him this way or although believed you might be accepting, it was still giong to be difficult, if this is what we are all assuming it means....

Okay....so rather than talking and then blurting out "but I dont' want to see you wear these"...which might make him revert back into a guilt/shame cycle....

write him a letter. Write down what you found, how you found it {be honest}, aplogize for being a snoop {btu dont' worry, you aren't the first gf or wife to do this....}, and that you would like to at least start a dialog either in letter form on in person with him about this topic.

He might just be into shoes...he might be curious about the whole tg thing, it might be really minor or deeper.....but what ever it is, chances are he is pretty uncomfortable, or you would already have heard.

This also might be a good time to start thinking about your stance on what this all is. In other words...many gg's and couples who have solid relationships with our cd guys have boundaries or at least a pretty good idea of what parts of this stuff we can and cannot handle. Once you work past this initial start of talking and opening the lines of communication.....you need to start outlining how much or how little you are up for. he may not know where *he* is in this stuff...but by being honest and saying how you feel at least gives him a clear picture of where YOU stand.

There is nothing worse than going into a relationship with a crossdresser and not having information about the what if's that *might* be on the horizon. To choose not to fully educate yourself and then find out things are not what they appear ten years from now...well you would only have yourself to blame.