Is telling your wife the best thing?

I don't mean the right thing, I mean the best thing.

I'm still wrestling with whether or not to tell my wife. I don't see how telling her will cause anything but pain. It seems like it's only to help myself. I don't want to hide something about myself from her, but maybe it's for the best. And given the number of horror stories about divorce and wives who would rather not know that I've read on here, maybe it's best that this is my little secret.

The urge to dress only seems to come up when the opportunity to dress is available (pretty convenient). My wife is back at work now and that means my lunch break will be spent driving home to let our dog out and this is the time I used to dress in the past. Now that this schedule is revving up again, I find the urge to dress returning (I'm wearing a red thong under my work clothes as I type this). Since I don't have any burning desire to be 24/7, maybe it's best that this is just my own secret hobby.

If you've told your wife, are you glad you did or do you regret it?
If you're planning to tell her, let me know your feelings too.
Thanks girls. Just looking to cause the love of my life the least grief possible.

I was wondering whether to come out just last week. I decided to test the water very gently after getting advice from girls here. I was watching rugby and my Mum asked why men were so strange that they enjoyed cuddling each other (they were in a scrum) and dressing up like girls (based on my recent act on stage as Gwen Stefani). I took the opportunity to get her reaction then on crossdressing in general. I'm glad I did, she was of the opinion that for fun it is all well and good but those who do it regularly etc. it is not really. So with that I thought the only thing coming out would achieve would be negative and so I'm still in the closet as far as family are concerned.

My advice to you would be to have a similar conversation with your wife, subtly to avoid suspicion. If the opinions she has a positive then gradually introduce her to the idea, no rushing though! If her opinions are negative and you can get by as you are now, then it is probably best to leave things and avoid upset. You can always try again another time. :happy:

NO!!! I regret my wife finding out... Would have been better for the both of us if she hadn't. So I'd say unless you've got some kind of concience thingy that forces you to do it, don't!!!

Love Karren

Only YOU...know your wife...................so take what you get here with a grain of salt...............if you think she would be more hurt knowing...then leave it be.

But if she is like me......I would be more upset that something was hidden from me....a feeling of being betrayed....but that is me.
Good luck with you decide...I know you asked what the girls would do....hope you don't mind hearing my :2c:

In a word... Yes! It's the only way to know how she honestly feels about it.
The longer you wait, the harder it is going to be able to work through the "trust" issue that is going to come up.
Women expect you to be honest with them at all times.
They want you to be an open book to them, and want you to feel that you can trust them with anything... Yes, even your deepest darkest secrets.

There are some secrets that we all keep though. If you feel that it would hurt her by knowing, then it becomes a much tougher issue.

You know her better than anyone else, except maybe her own mother, so you'll have to judge what she can handle and what she won't accept at all.

I've known some women, and read about some others here, that are absolutely repulsed by the thought... And others that love & try to understand it. Some enjoy it & will join in all the fun with you.

I've always been open and honest. That way I don't have to remember what I told who about what. That can be very confusing, I know 'cause I used to lie about it to everyone. And trying to keep track of who knew what and how much just drove me absolutely bonkers.
I've now "come clean" with the closest people to me and plan on opening up even further in the future. Maybe the I feel that every day I'm becoming closer to "meeting my maker" and I want to make up for some of my past.
Maybe it's just me getting old and tired and simply wanting to stop hiding.

You have to be the judge of your own actions and feelings. I hope that you work it all out and find a simple solution. Other inquiring minds are watching & reading and are in a need to know.

Thanks for your replies so far, girls. And especially you, Di - it's the female perspective that's so valuable here and the betrayal issue is why I'm considering telling her at all. I know the "wife" threads are plentiful on here so thanks for humouring me.

For the record, she's not the type who will be encouraging and want to join in. I'm 99% certain of this. I'm also almost as certain she wouldn't leave me - we have a great relationship. If/when she finds out, my profile would likely read "wife knows but is not supportive". I've dropped hints in the past and she finally shut me down when I asked about mascara saying she didn't want a crossdresser for a husband. So she has her suspicions and has basically told me where she stands. It hasn't been brought up since.

It would just be nice to be completely honest with her and dress with less guilt. Maybe even start building a wardrobe (which is the selfish reason for telling her).

Thanks again, girls.

I told my wife years ago and thankfully for me she accepts it and loves me for who I am.

You are the only one who can judge if you wife would accept it or not.

it is very scary. i think it is best, but not sure

I'm with Di on this one the betrayal would get to me. A lot of CDers who tell their wives have kept it secret and it is the keeping it secret that does more harm than the CDing its self.

Only you know your wife though.

I have known about my hubby from the begining but yet I didn't know. This may sound confusing but I thought it was a playful thing and I was ok with that, but the more accepting I became the more liberty he began to take. One day I woke up and he had more makeup, more panties, more bras, more clothes more everything. So it changed from being playful to being obsessive. At one point he even thought he wanted to take hormones and have a sex change. :eek: This is when I started to wish that I had never heard about or was exposed to crossdressing. Crossdressing consumed my life. I wanted off the ride. I can't totally blame my hubby though. I let the consumption happen because I didn't "know". I expected him to have the restraint to control something he was compelled to do. I gave up my power. My power to have the life that I wanted to have as well. He expected me to love crossdressing as much as he did. A very wrong assumption on his part. Think about it for a minute, would you be able to muster up the enthusiasim to participate in combing your wifes beard or tie her tie or stuff her jock strap so that she could "pass" as a man? Could you be sympathetic over and over again because she just can't pass because her hands are too small or her face is too feminine?

I think that if you can make a constant effort to maintain a balance (and this may be hard since you have already mentioned increasing your wardrobe) and you encourage your wife to maintain a life that is fullfilling to her. Things could work out but expect a lot of questions and a little anger that you are not the man she thought. It will be somewhat bumpy but could turn out ok.
Now if you choose to not tell her and she finds that you are sneeking around dressing up like a girl on your lunch hour expect her to be even more freaked out. She will totally not understand what you are doing and will most likely think you are some sort of pervert. If you lovingly come clean and be committed to making your relationship work you will be much better off in my opinion. But that is my opinion you can take it or leave it and do what you feel is best for you.

Just a little hint: Don't make everything about crossdressing. Try to look past the crossdressing and get to the real reason why something is going wrong. Most hurt feelings are linked to some bad or percieved bad behavior. Like lack of communication, feeling unloved or lonely for instance rather than the crossdressing itself.

Good luck in whatever you decide. :hugs: Kitty

Thanks for sharing, Kitty - very well said and I understand what you're saying. I know I can keep a shorter leash on my feminine side than your hubby did but I'm sure my wife would be worried.

There seems to be a concensus among the GGs that they'd rather know than have it going on behind their backs and they'd rather be told than discover on their own, obviously.

There's a lot going on in our lives right now with my wife just returning to work, so now's not the time to tell her anyway. I think I'll just wait until we have some time to ourselves and she seems receptive.

Thanks again, girls.

Only you can determine that: Your hopes, dreams, desires, family goals...
Family and kids just make it harder...

There are a couple of girls on this forum who kept their CDing secret from their wives until they passed away. But it does seem rather rare. Most who try to keep it secret tend to get discovered somehow or other, eventually. Even if it takes 30 or 40 years.

Coming out to your wife of several years will certainly be difficult. But being caught in the act by her would be orders of magnitude worse. As Kitty says, in that scenario you will almost certainly be perceived as some kind of perverted weirdo. Recovering from that can be almost impossible.

I understand your desire to not hurt your wife. But all the GGs will tell you that the trust issue is very important. You seem like a thoughtful & considerate person, Cindy, and since you have a good relationship, there's every chance that your wife will be able to cope, and your relationship will grow as a result.

People's attitudes can change, It takes time & work for both partners, & belief in your relationship. For example, when Sandra first found out about Nigella she was not impressed at all. But now she's a moderator here.

Anyway, good luck with whatever you decide!

:hugs:

Robin

Cindy, I opened up to my wife and she is supportive, but I highly recommend you think this through carefully before doing anything. Everyone's situation seems to be different. I think the important thing is that you have a strong, committed relationship. Opening up to an SO with a rocky relationship just fuels the fire.

Hi. I started by asking my wife to buy me a pair of tiny briefs for fun which she did ,then I gradually persuaded her to buy me other styles then a garter belt,then on to skirts and blouses,just go easy to begin with.
Valerie

Difficult question indeed.

As far as I am concerned, I know that my wife would have been far more sadened if I had been hiding this side of me and would have discovered it. And smart as she is, she would have discovered for sure...

Is she happy about it, probably not, but she also understand that I can't stop my X-dressing.

One thing for sure is that it makes our lives much simpler, even if sometimes it comes to some difficult episodes...

I couldn't live a life in which I would have to hide myself from the person I trust most and who trusts me most.

But this is only my experience, only you can figure out what's best for your wife and you.

I hope that you will find your own way...
:hugs:
Eugenie

Quote:

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Originally Posted by AllyM

Cindy, I opened up to my wife and she is supportive, but I highly recommend you think this through carefully before doing anything. Everyone's situation seems to be different. I think the important thing is that you have a strong, committed relationship. Opening up to an SO with a rocky relationship just fuels the fire.

---

:iagree: I know that mine caught me in the act and it just about ended our marriage. It is a tuff choice and should be done carefully,once out of the closet you can't
put the anouncement back in and believe me even if she accepts it there
will be times that she will regret it.

"I've dropped hints in the past and she finally shut me down when I asked about mascara saying she didn't want a crossdresser for a husband."


She sounds like my wife and thats not a good thing at all. Mine has threatened more times than I care to mention but she stays, I think to see what will happen next.
You know the morbid curiosity thingy

if she told you she don't want a crossdresser then I think that disqualifies you from the husband race as far as she is concerned

Good luck in what ever you do and you might want to stand at arms length when you do tel her

I tested the waters before I got married and received a relatively positive response on the subject. After we were married and I thought she was in a "receptive" frome of mind I told her that I had some lingerie hidden away. She got quite upset and demanded that I throw it out. I did. The subject never came up again and I've been dressing in secret ever since.

We've had discussions about other things and her main concern was that I tell her everything and let her decide how she will handle it no matter her reaction. I can understand that but couldn't comply. She would overreact, at least in my opinion, and make my life hell for a while. So I would withdraw within myself.

I will come out soon about my dressing because I can't take the secrecy any longer. She will not be able to accept and I will not be able to stay.

Bonnie

The best, and possibly bravest, thing I ever did was to tell my wife about myself, although I told her very early on in our relationship, long before we were married. Of course, I was more than an occasional dresser, and I could see no way to hide this from her indefinitely.

It wasn't always a cakewalk concerning my wife and my needs, but she made every effort to accept this part of my life as she seemed to appreciate me for my other qualities. It was because of her that I began to come out of my shell and give serious thought about who and what I am. She also indulged my needs in so many ways, even though she would have been so much happier if this didn't exist. God bless her.

I'm an advocate of complete honesty with our SO's, but I can see where it may do more harm than good to a relationship when you only dress every now and then and you don't feel your partner is mature or understanding enough to accept this part of your life.

The decision can only be made by you, but I wonder if you may be under-estimating your wife.

best practice is to tell her, but there are things to think about.

it really is a matter of what is more important in your life. in my case my wife is more important and i'd limit and hide the CD stuff if it meant she would leave me. of course, if she did leave over this we really did not have a good relationship in the first place. so, first you need to consider how strong your relationship is and would a disclosure hurt that?

i think it is best to gauge her feelings and her possibly reactions before you do anything. How does she react to scenes with crossdressers or TG issues? Does she indicate disgust or get up and walk out? Not good. Does she laugh or even make positive comments? If so, go with that, ask her what is so funny or interesting. Ask her if she'd think it would be just as funny, or interesting, if you were in that get-up or situation. Maybe you could track down some CD theme shows or rent a CD theme movie to see how she reacts.

2 and 1/2 men last night had a scene with the boy talking about his breasts, making femme comments, etc. i was up stairs on PC and wife was laughing about and i pressed her on it. she does know about my dressing but it was fun to have her verbalize the scene. it would have been easy to put myself into the boy's place if i had wanted to gauge her feelings.

if you are completely consumed by dressing and it is more important than your relationship then go ahead a tell her and hope for the best. better she hear it from you than find out other ways.

I didn't know until the internet era that I was really a crossdresser. By then, I was in my 40's. Took several years more before I told my wife. That took a lot of courage on my part, but she was of two minds about it. On the one hand, she was very glad I was being honest and communicating with her. On the other, she was upset that 1) I had had a hidden life and 2) had disrupted her reality with the truth. There is no winning situation here if your spouse does not accept the crossdressing at some level reasonable for you. In my case, the "balance" (as someone wrote above) is in never engaging in cding in a way that interferes with the way our lives ran before I told her. That is not perfect for me, but I can live with it, and have been doing so for about 6 yrs now. Each of us has to find the right point of balance that suits both partners. If either one forces the issue, the consequences are likely to be unsatisfactory for one or both in the partnership.
Regards,
Mary

That is a big question, only you know what your wife will accept. I an not CD but TS/TG, Hetero marriages for me are not in my future ever, I learned my lessons the hard way. I have had two and my second is ending.
Take what I have to say with a grain of salt. This is probably something you can hide for a long time, but anybody that close to you is bound to find out sometime down the road. The fact that she finds out the hard way makes it rocky to say the least. These are all mights, depends on how your wife feels. First you have the trust and betrayal issues, and the fact you have been hiding something, marriages are based on trust not deception. Then there is the EWWW! factor (my husband wears a dress!) and you sexual desires (is my husband possably gay?) these things usually do not settle well with most women. There is the mental issue, accusations of you are sick and need therapy to fix you! Depending on how she takes it, and what her feelings are the accusations could fly. These are only possabilities something for you to think about.

Most women leave when they find out. You know your wife.
Most women think that CD'ers are gay.

Drop ideas to see what she feels about it. If she says that is sick then there is a good chance she will walk out on you if you tell her.

I could not tell her. I had only told one person and that was a therapist. I had difficulty coming to terms with it myself. But about a year ago she asked a question that could only be answered with the truth. We are still together, still have a long way to go.

I was so scared for the first couple of months that is was all over. We survived.
She still is concerned about escalation and I still need to put on the brakes sometimes, she still doesn't like to see it, but I don't have to hide my true self anymore. From her or me.
She says she understands things about me better, now that she knows. For me this has let me be who I am. For her, now there is a question I don't know the answer to. Beth

Is telling your wife the best thing? well Ive heard both sides of the argument. Most of us GGs have said that we would feel betrayed if our other halves lied to us or kept something a secret, but I do know of some who would rather not know at whatever cost.
I suppose it depends on the person, and you know your wife better than we do.
However, Im not sure that testing the waters is a good idea. I have female friends who think dressing is just fine, so long as its not their partner doing it, so you dont always get a true reflection of the reaction that your going to encounter.
I would advocate though what Kitty said about balance and not going OTT. If and when you do decide to tell her, please take things easy, even if she is completely Ok with it.
I love the dressing and it has definitely increased our social life and our circle of friends. However, my partner doesn't dress every waking hour and doesn't become obsessed with it if he can't. Im not so sure I'd be the supporting little partner if he became so obsessed that it started to rule his life and dominate our relationship. I wouldn't be too keen on it if he started to get depressed because he couldn't go full time. But what we have is really special and we both get to enjoy the balance. Sooo please bare that in mind if you do tell your wife and you do get the green light.
Good luck and I hope you have a peace with whatever decision you make.
Love Bev

Bev is right---it really depends on the individual wife---some will accept it, even participate fully(and yes I mean sexually) in it, some will simply tolerate it as long as you keep it to yourself and other will simply walk out of the marraige---so unless you think your wife falls in one of the first two catagories you probably shouldn't tell her. The urge to "share" everything with your spouse is part of regretable trend I call the Oprahization" of society---lets face it--its a relatively rare marraige where couples share all there secrets---it used to be enough just to be kind, hardworking, sober, gentle and sexually faithful----now it's changed to we have to be completly compatible with our spouse and if we aren't then its a disaster. Probably explains why half of all marraiges end in divorce----the last time I remember hearing wedding vows nothing was said about " thou shalt not crossdress" nor was there anything said about telling your spouse everything. If you think she would take it badly, why tell her---unless you are looking for a divorce.

Cindy, I've lived in fear, abuse, and denial before, and it took a huge toll on my health. I was so unhappy, much more than simply being alone. Yet I can't recommend a one-size-fits-all answer because there are so many things to consider. Total honesty with yourself is the key. Then you can decide what to do. Can you live in the shadows and be truly happy? Only you know for sure.

The problem is that she has already told you, point blank, that she doesn't want a husband who is a crossdresser. Too late! That's exactly what she has. Now you need to figure out why she said that. What is the underlying reason? Social pressure? Fear? A sexual turn-off? I think knowing the source of her feelings about it would help. Getting there, whew, that's the challenge isn't it? *wink*

Best of luck and I hope you will find a happy medium somewhere.

I told my wife when we were dating, my wife is a very open-minded woman and after a long chat we set rules of acceptance. Since we have kids dressing at home is limited my wife knows loves and accepts me for me. Telling is the true test of any relationship if she truly loves you it's a no brainer!! Good Luck:hugs:

The best move I ever made was to tell my wife when she was just my girlfriend. She had a few questions and that was it. We had only been together for a few months and we were young so it was not so much a big deal. If I had waited until we had been married for years it might have been different. I am of the opinion that it is difficult to keep the secret forever. If you agree that it will eventually come out, then you should decide to do it in a controlled fashion instead of random. In most cases I would reccomend that you tell your wife. I think that is the best choice in most situations. Will it improve things? There's no guarentee, it might make things worse! You have to decide if not telling is more destructive to the relationship then telling. Only you can make that decision.

Good Luck!

Sally

I told about five years ago after some 20 years of secrecy. It went well at first, she seemed relieved that the big confession I had been hinting at was "only" about my crossdressing. We talked about it a lot, she helped with a few photo sessions and even helped buy some clothes.

Since then things have deteriorated. She still very occasionally makes positive comments but for most of the time her attitude is very frosty and her reaction to any talk of CD-ing is to immediately change the subject, as if she hasn't heard it. If I mention it more than once in a week she complains that I'm "Always talking about it". She is adamant that she does not wish to read about the topic and does not wish to participate in this forum "I don't want to be told what to think about crossdressing". She is also utterly terrified that anybody should ever find out about it. Even before the emotional shutters came down she would fuss around the house closing curtains, making sure that there were no tiny gaps where anybody might be able to see. This, in turn has had a negative effect on my emotional life and we seem to be locked in a sort of downward spiral. I can no longer bring myself to dress when she is around (almost all of the time) which makes me depressed. She know this and sees the crossdressing as a source of unhappiness for both of us. Counseling is out of the question...it would involve somebody knowing about my CD-ing and she could not countenance that.

Things are not all bad...we get on fine on an everyday basis, we have fun, we do lots of things together, but only if the dreaded CD subject is carefully avoided. Also, I no longer have to hide my stuff. It is all hanging neatly in my closet..trouble is, I never get to wear any of it.

Just my experience of sharing my crossdressing secret with my SO.

Cindy, as so many others have rightly commented, only you can decide what's "best" in your situation. But here's something to think about... What level of trust and honesty do you expect from your wife? Can you do any less for her?

Wow, this is a tough question. One could read it to say what is better for me? What is better for her? I don't think there is one universal answer, and I tihnk one should consider all the facts. Children no children?, religious idolotry? Good relationship, not so good relationship.


My own wife felt that I had taken my secret and thrust it onto her making it her secret. She resented that. I told her she could share it with anyone she wanted to and she resented that. Most of her issues were about what others would think. Interesting that we sometimes worry more about what others will think than about how our partners think. After the shock and anger wore off, and we could talk about it and come to a compromise. I dress as often as I want, which is not as often as I'd like. She shops for me, and with me, and we have made some room for my need. We are closer than ever although I am certain she would my dressing away. In the end, we have no secrets, we have restored integrity, honesty and trust, we have fun, and time marches on. To each his/here own. Be thoughful and caring.

Cindy,


You know your wife better then anyone, but from what I have read she will not be very accepting about it, but will most likely deal with it. Not a best case. Mine knew long before I got busted, and its working out, she is supportive (other then the shaved legs thingy).

Good luck hun........

Huggs....

SandyR

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Di GG

Only YOU...know your wife...................so take what you get here with a grain of salt...............if you think she would be more hurt knowing...then leave it be.

But if she is like me......I would be more upset that something was hidden from me....a feeling of being betrayed....but that is me.
Good luck with you decide...I know you asked what the girls would do....hope you don't mind hearing my :2c:

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Hi, Di GG, its so true !!!....in my case I always let the women in my life know before I got seriously involved. I'm presently married and she knew when we dated. I don't believe in hidding such an important issue to your partner. Honesty is everything to me, Jackie-Anne

Now this is just one issue the spouse may have, but as I read these posts many at least hint at this point.

I read a survey once that asked the average US woman what her greatest fear/concern with their everyday life was. The largest number responded that security was issue #1 - being able to pay the mortgage, retire, provide for their children. I hope you can see how revealing CDing when already well into your life together can be seen as a security threat. Potential job loss, negative effects on children, etc.

Perhaps it would help the wives if the CD focused on this issue a little more - I know we've only discussed it briefly and sometimes I wonder if his position has changed on "coming out to the world". I know I would've been alot less anxious had he said the words, "Don't worry, our life plans are still priority #1 and I will do my utmost to protect our livelihood and family." I think he assumed I knew he felt that way, but wives have a need for security & reassurance (almost needy at times).

Just a thought that may alleviate some SO fears. :2c:

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Bev06 GG

However, Im not sure that testing the waters is a good idea. I have female friends who think dressing is just fine, so long as its not their partner doing it, so you dont always get a true reflection of the reaction that your going to encounter.
Love Bev

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Excellent comment Bev,

My SO feels exactly like that. She is extremely tolerant with other people being CD or Transsexuals, but she is far less happy whith my X-dressing as it hits too close from home... So she tolerates but doesn't like it...

So SO may be accepting the idea in general and be upset if it hits their husband or partner.

I've come out to several GG friends, all of them accepted me very well, but all of them told me that they wouldn't have accepted that their husband be a X-dresser...

However, if the SO had a positive attitude in general about x-dressing, it may presume of a slightly more positive outcome than if the SO answers bluntly "I hate these men who dress as women", at least, there is a chance that it won't be a total rejection... But no guaranty still...

Thanks again for your wise comment (as usual :happy: )
:hugs:
Eugenie

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Sweet Cindy

. I've dropped hints in the past and she finally shut me down when I asked about mascara saying she didn't want a crossdresser for a husband. So she has her suspicions and has basically told me where she stands. It hasn't been brought up since.

It would just be nice to be completely honest with her and dress with less guilt. Maybe even start building a wardrobe (which is the selfish reason for telling her).
Thanks again, girls.

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Cindy I think you already have an answer. At this point telling her will only either make her do or say something very regretable as in a ridiculous ultimatum or separation.

Really some women never can *get it* or understand, even to an extent that they desire to stay married. Some women can never get the mental picture of their husband en femme out of their mind and it becomes a thorn forever in their head.

As Di said, only you raelly know yoru wife, but from what you posted I can't see that this is information she wants confirmed. My guess is she already got the hint but has chosen to lock it away in the cavern of her head. She choses not to take this discussion further.

This is a lose- lose situation for both of you.

My hope is all the other reasons you married her outweigh your need to be honest about this side of yourself.

Sorry to resurect such an old thread, but I just wanted to thank everyone for taking the time to let me know their thoughts. It means so much to me to have all of you to talk to and the support is exactly what I was hoping for on this forum.

Everyone gave me something to think about and I know it's ultimately my decision but it certainly helps to talk about it. I think I'll just keep it to myself for now while I work out what to do. Life is a bit crazy right now and I wouldn't dream of bringing it up now. I've probably hinted enough as it is. Day by day for now, and keeping an eye out for the right time.

Thanks again, everyone!
Cindy

Hi Sweet Cindy,

That is a difficult and individual question. Everyone's situation is as different as the opinions that you have received here!!

In my humble opinion, yes, you need to talk it over with your wife. I can't see where hiding this will help build a or upon a trusting and loving relationship.

I feel it is your duty to share these feelings with your wife and deal with the consequences that arise. Good luck... we're always here to help and offer assistance.

My wife knows, and is supportive and I know how fortunate that I am to have that.

Suzy:D

how longe have you kept it a secret from your wife maybe you can let hint out frist.

As others have very sensibly explained, the acceptance issue is so complex. I can imagine most women seeing a movie about transgendered people and feeling empathy-kind of a natural feminine thing, yet when 'their man' displays this behavior, that corrupts their image of masculinity, the strong 'foil' to their own femininity. I have been married nearly 25 years and still conceal my daily crossdressing-pantyhose,etc. My wife knows but prefers to ignore this very important to me issue. I wish it were otherwise, but we learn in the school we're taught, and her background doesn't include this sort of tolerance. I wish I had known before we married that such a strong drive as transvestism (since age 5-6) can't be extinguished and I would have told potential dates/spouses that I was 'different' and maybe would have found a woman open to this desire. So, please be very careful and observant as to her attitudes so you don't both get hurt. good luck, Helen in CO

in my case it was the best thing to do come out to her i hated all the lies and i was lucky she accepted it. but it does depend on many factors whether to come clean to you S.O. only you know them and another one is finding the right time too!!

Cindy,

This is a sort of 'cache 22' situation. On one hand, you want to tell her so as to be up front and honest about yourself and not to be holding back any secrets from her. On the other hand, if you do come out to her and she refuses to accept it, there's no way to "un-tell" her and put things back the way they were.

Others here have given you some good advice already. NOT telling her puts you at risk for being accidentally discovered later on. This is probably the worst case scenario since she would then have trust issues with you and wonder just what ELSE you may not have told her. You've indicated that the two of you have a good relationship at this point in time. The continued quality of that relationship is directly proportional to how she might take the news IF you told her. At the very least, a TOLERANT attitude would be something to hope for while one of acceptance would be the goal you would be seeking the most. The problem is not knowing whether either of these would be the outcome, and from your indications it doesn't look too favorable since you've told us that she's already made the statement that she "doesn't want a crossdresser for a husband".

If you do happen to decide to tell her, and she's intolerant about it, be prepared for some major changes in your relationship. I can speak from experience when I tell you that intimacy will very likely suffer severely and could (as it did in my case) cease entirely. YOU know that you haven't changed and you're the same person you've always been, but regardless as to how factual this is, HER image of you will be different. This is mainly due to her lack of knowledge about what a heterosexual crossdresser really is. I would guess that what she's seen on programs like the Springer show, and what negative things she may have read about is all she knows about the subject. As just about everyone on this forum knows, those are NOT typical examples of most crossdressers.

Now over on the OTHER side of the equation, if she COULD be educated about what crossdressing actually is, and even MORE importantly what it ISN'T, you might stand a chance of finding some degree of understanding which could lead to a compromise of some sort upon which you could build. With this in mind you might want to try 'feeling her out' and introducing some ideas and reputable materials in a VERY subtle way and see what kind of reactions you might get.

Dixie -- http://www.geocities.com/senorita_cd

Depends on how important CDing is to one. When it's a real big part of your life and personality: tell her. When things go wrong: bad luck, but better early than late. When she tolerates it: OK. When she LIKES it: lucky you. When it's not that important to you, and when you can do with the odd chance you get to dress: why bother, leave it at that. Don't take any risks. For me, I'm very happy my wife knows, I feel, it deepened our relationship.

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Originally Posted by Sweet Cindy

I don't mean the right thing, I mean the best thing.

I'm still wrestling with whether or not to tell my wife. I don't see how telling her will cause anything but pain. It seems like it's only to help myself. I don't want to hide something about myself from her, but maybe it's for the best. And given the number of horror stories about divorce and wives who would rather not know that I've read on here, maybe it's best that this is my little secret.

The urge to dress only seems to come up when the opportunity to dress is available (pretty convenient). My wife is back at work now and that means my lunch break will be spent driving home to let our dog out and this is the time I used to dress in the past. Now that this schedule is revving up again, I find the urge to dress returning (I'm wearing a red thong under my work clothes as I type this). Since I don't have any burning desire to be 24/7, maybe it's best that this is just my own secret hobby.

If you've told your wife, are you glad you did or do you regret it?
If you're planning to tell her, let me know your feelings too.
Thanks girls. Just looking to cause the love of my life the least grief possible.

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We are all different. All of our situations are different. What we can live with is different. I can obviously only speak for myself. Keeping this a secret was for me very difficult. I struggled with it because I realized that I needed to do this and yet I hated hiding it from my spouse. The repression, guilt and shame were taking their toll on my health and I eventually reached a point where I had to fess up come what may. In my case the outcome of telling has been negative in that it has cost me 10 years of grief in my relationship and ultimately it has cost me my marriage. On the positive side though I feel that I am only now beginning to emerge as the real me and with all of the pain that I have gone through I still feel that I am becoming a better and healthier person for it. So for me it was the right thing to do.

Huggs
Melissa

Opinions are like elbows on this one, everyone has one. I think this is a decision one can only make alone. I would not even dare to advise on this one. It can go either way.

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Originally Posted by Di GG

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Only YOU...know your wife...................so take what you get here with a grain of salt...............if you think she would be more hurt knowing...then leave it be.

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But if she is like me......I would be more upset that something was hidden from me....a feeling of being betrayed....but that is me.
Good luck with you decide...I know you asked what the girls would do....hope you don't mind hearing my :2c:

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i am with Di here too, i think the big problem is sooner or later she is going to find out......... and then how will she feel like Di said :- I would be more upset that something was hidden from me....a feeling of being betrayed....

this is soooo hard to call , she as told you how she feels about cding , and you love her, but she could end your marrage over this . i hid mine for 21years.. sooner or later she will find out