Too close to the problem, need advice

First the background:

I became friends to a couple. They had just gotten togeather and the man was going through a divorce with another women.

As I am rather good at listening and giving advice ( as long as it dosen't involve myself), and as the three of us had many things in common, we became very good friends. I helped them through many emotional and relationship crisis'.

The man and I clicked because of a common military and car bond.

The women seemed to understand there was something more to me from the begining. Often telling me that my house was interesting because it had a "real womens touch" ; and I don't have an SO. One day she asked me out shopping, and while looking at dresses, asked me "what size do you wear?" I tried to pretend to be ignorant, but; she looked at me with a goofy smile and told me that we were not at the store shopping for her, we were shopping for me.

From that day forward she and Michelle, became the best of friends. And; feelings started to develope, on both sides. Being somewhat ethical, I decide to leave the friendship. I don't date "taken" women; nor do I try to steal them from thier men. I explained to her that a true friend does things for the friends benefit, and not thier own. She told me she understood, but; that my decisions "just bring me that much closer to you".

Durring the time that I was a part of that couples life; I observed many things that were disquieting. Things that involved the boyfriend and the womans two year old daughter. You would think that me being a former investigator would make things easier, but; you would be wrong. I didn't want to shadow my observations of his actions with any preconcieved notions based on my experiance.

Most any one act could be shrugged away as just the actions of an insensitive idiot. Taken all togeather they formed a pattern. Still, knowing that I had feelings for the woman made me be very tough on myself. Finally I wrote the different things I had observed in a factual form and gave them to several different people that I trusted to see things dispassionately. All of them told me to make an official complaint.

It was done, and an investigation was launched. The Mother admitted that what I had seen had indeed happened. But; she insisted, I was wrong in the way I had interpeted it. The little girl, three by that time, was examined, and found intact, but; she was in possesion of an unusually advance knowledge of male anatomy and "what you did with it". Her mother insisted the girl must have picked it up from a porn that the man had watched in front of the little girl, while the mom was at work.

As you can imagine this made the woman furious at me. So mad at me, that the only other time we chanced to come in contact, she threw a box at me and left the store.

I recently talked to a friend of mine ( Michelles), that knows the woman. She told me that while the woman blamed me for filing a report. She had told people that it is partially her fault "for leading him on".

So; long enough, and here is the CD question: anyone care to tell me why she has not told a single person about Michelle?

She knows the right people in the right circles where that information could be devastating.

Thanks for being patient

Michelle

There could be countless reasons.
Maybe she understands on some level that right or wrong, what you did you did for the sake of her three year old daughter. Not to fan the flames, but it's also possible she has concerns of her own regarding the man and her daughter. I'd be willing to bet you've already thought of that one.
I have only learned in the last few years just how common it apparently is for young girls (maybe not as young as three) to be abused. While not raped, my wife had an experience as a teenager. I only learned a few years ago that my sister WAS raped by her father. I didn't know we lived in such a messed up world where people like you NEED to step up so often to make it stop. I imagine many of the GGs here can tell a story if they care to share something so private.
I'd say that as long as your sure you did it for the right reasons, the rest doesn't matter. You did something that HAD to be done, something you SHOULD have done.
I have a three year old daughter and she is the most precious thing in my life. Hard to imagine how anyone could be willing to abuse such cute little critters.
Kim

You did the right thing a-- holes like that need to be shot or at least put away forever :hugs:
Angie

My guess is that you did not give her the opportunity to participate in the complaint, and so made her part of the suspected party; the beneficiary of an unhappy surprise.

Since she has this man as her boyfriend - and she has seen everything you have seen - *and yet did not participate in the complaint* - then she would either be seen as BLIND or as CONDONING. I don't see a compelling third option of self-assessment for her.

So by filing a complaint which she finds out about through a Police or Child Protective Services investigation she may be shocked. She has to struggle to establish a reputation as a thoughtful, loving mother with these people who are investigating her home for an activity a thoughtful, loving mother would prevent from happening. Very hard to do.

That would piss me off, if I were her.

I don't think you can do the right thing and expect anyone to be happy with you though...right? When protecting this child's tender body and psyche is paramount, your relationship with the mother doesn't mean squat.

'nuff said.

If she's a wise, or cunning woman, she doesn't want to retaliate, or to be seen as retaliating, against the complainant. That would not help her position, and would establish her as being defensive. She is either wise or cunning. Time will tell which.


:rose: Roberta :rose:

I'd help pull the trigger on the firing squad!
My ex-wife has a neice who was sexually abused by my ex-mother-in-law's husband at the time, a wretched man without this issue. We later found out that he "liked" little girls and had done this with several of the neighbor's kids. He was finally caught and put in prison in Florida, he had retired there from Chicago.
That can really mess up a young girl's head and the effects can last a lifetime.

Maybe she knows you acted out of higher motives and while part of her is p*ssed at you for the reasons Roberta mentioned, part of her respects you still and she has no desire to punish you for it. There's a lot you could read into it, but she's the only one who ever could tell you for sure.

I'm wondering if there is a reason you WANT to think she hasn't said anything. Like she still has feelings for Michelle. It sounds like a very emotionally charged situation for you.

You are so right, in that sexual abuse, can scarr, and badly affect a gg, all of her life. The gg I share a place with(non-lovers), was the baby of the family, with three older brothers. I have known Mary, for 22 years, and she has always worn baggy jeans, tennis shoes, large t-shirts, or sweatshirts, has a noticable mustache, and lets trash, and filth accumulate all over her house, and in the car, with 14 pets. She wants no part of dating, or touching a man, or getting married, or ever trying to dress, or look ladylike. She does have long hair, though. She does not desire, to make friends, of either sex, just watches tv, with her pets. I strongly suspect abuse, by older brothers, and, or father. She has mentioned mistreatment by an older brother. I suspect rape, incest. I wish I could get her into psychotherapy, but, she blames everyone else, including anyone, who will try to get her into therapy. I also knew a beautiful farmer's daughter, who was baby of family, with three older brothers, and, though she always turned me down for a date, she ended up married, with children, liked to dress up nice, especially after she married. Sadly, in this hyper sexually charged era, we live in, children are used as sexual cannon fodder. I would hope that the Man upstairs, is gettin ready, to finally come down, and bring peace, both world, and family.

I believe that you did the right thing, there is no grey area with our kids. I realize that this has put you in a delicate position, but you are the adult and if push comes to shove, you have the ability to stand up for yourself, kids don't. I applaud you for what you have done and hope the mother comes to realize that her child had someone to protect her.

Good for you...You may have very well saved a child a life time of misery...
Perhaps the mother was P.O.'d because it was brought to light, knowing she knew...

For what ever reason she hasn't revealed your secret is beyond me...perhaps it is stored away in her memory for future use, who knows...Personally I'd distance myself from that situation...It can only end in hurt feelings and
disappointment in all aspects...consider yourself a unsung hero and go on with life...

could she not be saying anything because she is upset that while you spoke up she also knew but for what ever reason did not speak up... and she is not really mad at you but mad at her self for not saying anything???? ....

I don't see where the guy was removed from the house so it looks like the little girl could still be in some peril. If she were to out you she probably figures that it will provoke further investigations and she could lose all. I worry for the little girl so keep looking out for the signs and do whatever you can inspite of any problems it might cause you personally. Society should have no use for child abuse and it should be dealt with harshly.

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Originally Posted by Wendy me

could she not be saying anything because she is upset that while you spoke up she also knew but for what ever reason did not speak up... and she is not really mad at you but mad at her self for not saying anything???? ....

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;).

you did the right thing---and I suspect that she knows it which is why she hasn't outed you to other people---the big question now is will she do the right thing to protect her daughter and leave the abuser? Her excuse for him, that the 3 year old daughter knows so much about male anatomy because she watches porn with her SO is laughable----anybody who exposes a three year old to pornography assuming that's what happened ought to be banned from being around children---that kind of behavior is another form of child abuse. In any event it wouldn't be the first time a mother has made excuses for an SO who abuses her kids---hopefully the authorities will or have stepped in to stop matters. You have done all you can do to help the little girl--good for you

She all ready know your character, (you would not go beyond just being friends because she was with someone else.)

And she know you did the right thing, fore what ever reason she could not.

Give it sometime and write her a letter, from you post you still like this person and I think she still like you.

As for the guy I hope he never see the light of day and spent the rest of his live in jail.

Anna

Michelle What you did was right.With children you can't take chance's.There's an old saying if your going to err err on the side of safety.I'm sorry you lost a friend that you could relate to over it but you were rigth to do it.

You really laid yourself out there, for the health/mental well being of a little innocent girl. I think you are a brave person. Regardless the outcome, you did the right thing.

THis woman...well time will tell as was said ....Roberta had some good points. Let's hope this lady sees what you did as a good thing and reads nothing more into it.

It might have been a good idea to tell the kid's mother what you saw, and to let her know you were filing the report, but I think you did the right thing in filing the report. I would personally rather talk to some investigators about a loved one's interaction with my daughter, and have it be someone's misinterpretation, than to have my daughter suffer genuine abuse.

Maybe the child's mother feels the same way, and this is the reason for the discretion. Or maybe she had seen enough of your character already to realize you weren't trying to hurt her.

I won't touch the question of what a man would be doing watching porn with a kid around, nor why a mother would permit it.

As soon as I read... "two year old daughter" I lost it! :mad:

You certainly did the right thing as far as I'm concerned.

Why can't they leave the kids alone? They have a hard enough time just trying to grow up.

As far as why she hasn't said anything... Not sure, unless she is afraid that you could become a witness to what happened if she made you too mad.

Michelle

You did the right thing. Only the tip of the iceberg has been seen. You may never know the final chapter to the story. Children get taught that they are the ones doing something wrong and thus are afraid to tell what has really happened. It may be a lifetime before this girl reveals all that has transpired if ever. She has too much knowledge.

Your friend is naturally miffed. We all crave companionship and she has a lot invested in this alleged man. It is hard to break that even if she knows more has transpired. She wants to believe him.

What has she to gain by outing you at this time? Some people are not vindictive.

My SO is still trying to get a divorce from her second husband, a sociopath who molested her daughter and granddaugher. Confessed, convicted ..., got 6 frickin months! He had been sent to live with his uncle when younger because he was molesting his sisters, and his mom denied it. He was the consumate manipulator. He stole from my GF who was working two jobs, while he worked occasionally for his dad's company, but had all the toys. He convinced my SO that she had misplaced a deposit (nearly $20 K), because she was exhausted and distracted, but he had stolen it and at least two others!
My ex and I accepted her niece and nephew to live with us while their mom explored a series of very torrid lesbian relationships. I have no love for their mom, but absolutely detest their stepdad, who molested our niece, once while under our supervision. We did not recognize the symptoms! I will go to my grave regretting our allowing him to take her on a 'sightseeing' trip when she was living with us! We just were not on the lookout for that level of malevolence.
Looking back at my childhood, I believe I can identify several peers who were being sexually exploited. The well-developed girls who 'knew too much', the poor little guy with the big mean dad, etc.
I think we are all in a state of denial about child abuse. It was screaming at us from our neice and nephew, but we didn't understand it. While an outsider would argue that this lady must have known and understood what was happending, that may not necessarily be the case. She may not have outed you because she realizes that she 'should have seen' what was going on, and doesnt lay blame upon you for seeing what she denied.
I believe that child molesters should be shot and pissed on.:thumbsdn:

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Originally Posted by Wenda

I believe that child molesters should be shot and pissed on.:thumbsdn:

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:thumbsup: Me.... Hang 'em by their balls!

I believe what you did is for the best, and the right thing to do.
Children, girls and boys, do not need this during their childhood, they can not defend themselves, and most of the time say nothing to anyone so this continues.
The mother may be mad at you because you said something before she did, or she did not really want to see what was happening to her daughter, it is an awful thing to admit to yourself this thing has happened.

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Originally Posted by Angie G

You did the right thing a-- holes like that need to be shot or at least put away forever :hugs:
Angie

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Shot!

Maybe she is not spiteful. Maybe she is just weak and confused but not spiteful.
just a guess.

I think she didn't tell about Michelle because even though she is deeply mad at you for reporting her boyfriend/fiancee/husband (whichever one), she understands that you did do the right thing in reporting him, and cannot bring it to herself to hurt you in such a way as "exposing" your "secret".

Maybe she still has some feelings for you after all. :2c:

I hope that nothing happens to the little girl. I admire your attempt to protect her. I am curious why you didn't confront the mother before consulting others. If I had been in her position, it would have made me mad for you to talk to others and not to me, first.

The reason she may be keeping your secret is because it is her secret too. If she reveals your secret it might lead her boyfriend and others to think that she has been close to you in a way that may not be comfortable for her to admit. They might think, "how/why does she have such intimate knowledge about you?"

Michelle, what you did was very brave. It was also the right thing to do. Protecting that little girl was paramount. The mother should have put a stop to her boyfriend's behavior long before you stepped into the picture. You just did what you had to do. :thumbsup:

Too bad you lost you shopping buddy, but thank God for folks like you with the courage to step in and do the right thing.

The right thing is frequently not the easy thing. You did the right thing, even if it turns out to be false. Even if there is no finding, just the investigation might have been enough to stop things. People react differently to guilt and sometimes don't act logically. She probably has very mixed feelings about your relationship together, hence the mixed reaction.

You did the right thing.

Sally