Coming out experiencies, results and insights

Hello Everyone, I was wondering what experiences, results and insights anyone has had on coming out of the closet to ones wife. You know how you did it, did it work? would you change the way you did it?
I've been married for 7 years and my wife dosen't know, (maybe suspects somewhat).
I came out with my ex wife and she was ok with it for awhile then it was too much for her and she left. with my current wife I never told her because you know "I thought there was something wrong with me" But this dosen't ever go away. I started when I was12 and have been dressing of and on for over 40 years.

Well girls please let me know your thoughts.

Julie

She never needs to know!:)

I am single but it never ceases to amaze me how some people can keep their crossdressing hidden from their spouses. The key to a good relationship is communication. By not communicating an important part of one's life to the spouse hurts the relationship when the truth finally comes out.

Hey Julie,
Listen to Trannie, she hit the nail on the nose. You can't get any better advice.

Paula Rae

I agree TrannieT. Crossdressing is more than a secret habit for me and I'm sure most of us, it's a huge part of who I am. To get married to someone and not have them know is absolutely baffling to me.

I can't add experience coming out to a wife here because I don't have a wife.. or even a girlfriend at the moment. But I have told all sorts of random friends and a coworker and I'm more than glad I did, I havn't done nearly as many CD things as I want to (clubbing, crossplaying) but I've already had a bunch of fun times I wouldn't have had if I just kept quiet, with more on the way. So personally, keeping it from everyone is/was just not an option. Granted there are some people I'm not comfortable telling.

Rather than telling my wife everything all at once I started by confiding to her that I enjoyed wearing pantyhose once in a while. After she was used to seeing me wear them under my pants around the house a few times I gradually was able to progress with my dressing. This gave her time to come to terms with my dressing. She has been wonderful and accepting since then and I no longer have to keep my secret from her.

Thanks everyone for your thoughts, I have considered baby steps, she caught me once wearing her panties, that would have been a good opportunity, but I missed it. So much fear being a crossdresser it can be paralyzing.

I know this was how CDers told their wives, but I couldn't resist posting. If I could suggest getting your own panties and wearing them instead of hers, as a start. I caught my SO wearing my panties and I didn't want to listen for a long time after that. My SO having their own things helped ease my mind, it took some of the kinkiness out of her wearing mine.
Also, if your SO is already thinking that you are hiding something, her fears might be a lot worse. You never know. I thought my SO other was hiding something and it turned out to be the CDing. It has taken me over a year and a half to come to accept it, but I have. My fears were a lot worse than the truth.
The decision is ultimately yours, but secrets always have a way of getting out. You need to tell her before she finds out on her own, it hurts more when you find out on your own.
:2c:

at this moment i donot see any good from telling my wife

I have to agree with Trannie and Paula.... communication is always best. but that is my situation. I never felt better after telling my wife I had to dress. I did it in a round about way like 22 yeras ago. and it took several conversations before she actually got it.
Now. after 34 years of marriage we are still togeather, she still is only tolorant of Jenny, but at least I dont feel I am living in a lie and she feels better becasue she knows I have the ultimate in trust in her.

i personally can not understand why anyone doesnt/wouldnt tell thier partner its EASY next time shes getting dressed just say to her those are sexy i want some see where it goes from there i bet its easyier than you think 45 yrs EVERYgirlfriend ive had knew ide say only 1 1/2 were not cool with it like the other girls DONT get caught youll be sorry just bring it up like its something new and fun good luck and hey thats what those two things under your wienny are for i hope i can say that word just be confident its not that big a deal usually

Hi, I told my wife about 5 years ago... And needless to say I did it wrong, all wrong. She knew about my love for wearing panties and even supported it and we had some boundries that she was comfortable with. But after some time had passed, I wanted to reveal to her my interest in CDing. To be dressed completely. When she ask to see what I had bought the mistake was that I assumed that she was ready for it. Instead of taking it slow and a little at a time. I sprung it on her all at once. The wigs, skirts, tops, bras, panties. The works.... Well after a couple of months of "don't ask, don't tell" she left me a letter. And gave me the ultimateum. Stop or we are through! Well for somewhat of a year I stopped. But my interest never went away. I love the feel of femme clothing. The getting dressed and all. But she doesn't know, and so far I cannot bring it up or tell her that I still want to dress. So for now and my marriage sake. I just stay in the closet to myself. And make the best of it.

So no matter what you decide to do take it SLOW..... Don't push, and let her lead and only reveal in steps that you can handle for now.

I told my wife a little over a year ago. She was NOT very happy about it. She basicly said if I must, then she did not want to see me fully dressed or even pictures of me fully dressed. A little later, I got her to let me have a Saturday afternoon, once a month to dress. I usually combined this with my Tri-Ess meeting, so I could get about 10-12 hrs of dressing time. Then about 1.5 months ago, she got her schedule mixed up and we came face-to-face with each other with me fully dressed. Since then she has decieded to accept my CDing and now has even gone shoe shopping with me. I contiue to take it slow. I am letting my wife take the lead, as this makes it easier on her.
Since this next Tri-Ess meeting is the annual banquet/Prom and we have already went shoe shopping for it and she has seen me in my Prom outfit and new heels, I am thinking of asking her if she will help me with my makeup and such.

It seems that many of us here has lost our SO's by telling them that we like to dress in women's clothes. A very select and lucky few of us here have partners that accept the dressing and accept it as part of their SO's personality, a few more say do it if you must and grudgingly acknowledge that we are dressing and others say do it and don't let me know any further about it. Given the preponderance of wives that end up saying they have lost the "manly" husband they married and leave, why risk telling your SO? It simply makes no sense.

I've told a number of people over the years and only one girl has finished with me because of it. Granted not everyone has been "great lets go out and party girl!" but I've had some great times:D

I don't think I could have an intimate relationship without telling!

But I understand how difficult it is for others.

My last g/f-who I was with for 13 years-asked me why I kept so much to myself before I told her; so I told her, taking a big chance as she was friendly with a few girls at work who "had it in for me" and my g/f and I were seeing each other on the QT!

But she let me know she didn't mind and we evn had a few nights out together-and more than a few nights in!:) before she cooled to the idea-we moved in together and I think she wanted a man about the house:eek:. Well I tried hard to be that man...but she still left. Luckily on good terms and we're still quite friendly:hugs:

Stella

I also think honesty is the best way to go . If you think she suspects some try to start SLOWLY a conversation about what she is thinking and take it from there . I dont think you can have a healthy relationship with secrets between you . Good luck . Tomara

I`m in the same situation as Paula, although I havent been divorced, if caught again who knows

Wow lots of feed back Thanks everyone.
I agree that a healthy relationship should be open and honest. However I lost my last wife because of coming out, then as some of us do I kept thinking something was wrong with me and would stop for awhile then I got married again but the desire has come back in force, I rent a locker at a local CD studio and dress whenever I can. I really enjoy reading what others have done and the results they had. I know every woman is different and reactions will vary. But every piece of insight is helpful, thanks, Julie

My late wife Julie knew before we were married and we were married just days shy of 18 years before she died of cancer. My current wife did NOT know about me until I confessed to secretly wearing her panties and bras after 5 years of marriage.

I only recently came (back) out of the closet and she was not surprised. But she was disappointed that I kept secrets and lied to her. She forgave me since society doesn't accept crossdressers very well. She understood that much. She bought me girly things and encouraged me to find friends who like me for who I am.

You should be honest. If she doesn't accept you, then maybe you would be happier with someone who will. Because you can't change who you are. Believe me, I tried to quit and could NOT quit. I have been doing this for over 50 years, longer than my wife has been alive! I am glad she is so supportive.

Slowly admit to dressing. Tell her you secretly wear panties but no one knows. Then add items but only indoors. You don't have to go public yet. See how she handles this. She does not have to be seen with you if/when you go public. But if she talks to other wives of supportive crossdressers, maybe she can accept things.

My wife even helps other crossdressers with clothes and makeup. It helps them and her. They feel accepted and she doesn't feel like she is the only person married to a weirdo! Actually, she proved to me that I am not the only weirdo in town when she found others online. Yay!

Julie, my CD friend Debbi did NOT tell her wife, because she KNOWS her wife does NOT like crossdressers or transgendered people. My wife thinks Debbi would be happier to be honest and let things take their course. We let Debbi hide her girl stuff at our house, but my wife doesn't like secrets or lying, especially between spouses. But my wife won't interfere, just give advice.

Debbi was divorced and so was her current wife. They do a lot of things independently. They don't seem to want to do things together and maybe that is why my wife thinks Debbi should just tell her now. But we understand where Debbi stands. Still, Debbi talks about when she was single, having fun and sleeping in girly nighties. She misses so much of her life. Debbi seems like she would be happier single, so it seems like we want HER to confess and see what happens.

In your case, I really think you could introduce CD friends and see how your wife reacts to them. Ask if/why she doesn't like them. If she does like them, that would be great. My wife also believes that most wives are suspicious, because we ARE different from "normal" guys and she knew I was different. She truly was NOT surprised when she found out.

If the boat has some leaks in it, but you are bailing the water out fast enough and is still floating it is best not to rock it. What I'm trying to say is no relationship is perfect and life is complex so to say it is a good thing to out yourself to your wife may be bad advice. The advice to do it slow is good. My take on the honesty angle, is I intend to tell her, I just haven't found a good way or had enough time yet. You have to know what you want to tell her also... feel her out...next time you see someone in drag tell your wife it looks like fun and you are going to try it and see what she says.

My wife and family saw me dressed up for Halloween a few times. She even bought my Pocahontas costume, wig and accessories including earrings. But she thought it was just an occasional thing. She knew that Halloween was MY favorite holiday and she figured out why.

Don't think your wife is totally clueless, but don't shock her with the full story all at once. My wife tolerates a lot, but she doesn't want me to be a woman all of the time. She wants time with the man she married and not just her "new" big sister.

Julie,

I can really relate to you. I am about the same age, and have a wonderful relationship with my wife of 19 years. That said, I have recently found such an increased desire to cross over to the femme side that I had to take some kind of action. I thought I would try to see if I could pass once, and see how it felt. I could not have imagined how comfortable I felt. I too keep some things at a local shop (wonder if it is the same one) and dress whenever I can. As I look back I have been dropping hints for over a year. I really want to tell my wife, but at this point the risk is too great. We are going to see Eddie Izzard this summer, and I an hoping for an opportunity to present itself.

Ellen

It is up to you if you tell her.
It is better you tell her than her finding out.

In a nutshell for me -

My wife knew I liked to wear hose, but when I showed her, it went over horrible.

months later I started dressing 100%. I almost got caught and decided to tell her. She already had suspicions. Anyways, the same nioght I almost got caught, I told her I needed to explain something but I didn't want her freaking out or getting pissed off.
"...pantyhose is not the only thing I like to wear..."

She was cool at first, had all the usual questions, and wanted to meet "Erin". So she did.

We had been married for about a year. Anyways, we are still together 12.5 years, and while she doesn't like the CD'ing, it has not hurt our relationship.

Take note - from the things I have heard and read, the divorced CD's didn't split just like that when the "other" woman came to light, usually several other problems were involved. So if your relationship is strong, this will not hurt it [unless she is some super conservative type.]

I see both sides of it. It's real easy for the unattached, single, uninvolved, and younger transgendered folks, as well as those who came out to their wives and girlfriends successfully, to make blanket statements about the necessity of coming forth about one's crossdressing, but the reality of the situation may well preclude such a cut and dry solution.

Another blanket statement: "If she doesn't accept your crossdressing, then she just isn't the right woman for you in the first place." Remember that one? It's another piece of absolute rubbish that is bandied about on this forum as some laid-in-stone gospel truth.

I love my wife. Period. No buts. No ifs. It's my business who I have my life's relationship with. I have a terrific wife, and I love her very much. But she is not down with crossdressing. She knows I do it, but she's not real good with it. That's her right, and I try to respect that.

I didn't tell her because I knew I'd lose her. And losing her was too great a loss to imagine. She found out about it some years after we married, at first by accident, then by reading a very long letter that I wrote to her disclosing all the details about my crossdressing. I found it two days later in the paper shredder. We have almost never spoken of it since. It caused some really tenuous moments, and nearly a divorce. I'm happy to say, though, that my marriage is at present in a very good state, too. But I still don't want her walking in on me when I'm fully dressed. I don't think it would make for a very pleasant situation.

So let's not judge what others should do, as every relationship is different. If they were all the same, it wouldn't hurt to lose them. If you feel that you should tell, then by all means, tell. If your fear of rejection prohibits you from telling, then maybe it's not time yet.

I don't think there's any easy answer. Each of us has to answer the question "How much privacy do I want and demand in a relationship?" I'm very private and have no intentions of discussing all of my desires, but clearly some things slip out. Good luck and don't let anyone push you into anything you don't want to do. hugs, Nina

I have made it a point to tell everyone that I've had a relationship with for the last 36 years (that's three serious relationships and two marriages!) at the beginning, or at least as soon as I could see that it had a chance of succeeding. Even though it HAS been a factor in ending many of my love adventures. I still maintain that less than complete honesty is just that. I personally could not live with the sneaking around and game playing necessary to keep my crossdressing hidden from my SO.

JMHO

Renee

Thanks everyone for your thoughts it has been so helpful. However I do hear a lot of "I would never tell" and "I can't believe you didn't tell". I am in the position I am in because of choices I made, I understand that. I was really hoping to hear more from those who actually came out to their wives and the results, what worked for them and what didn't. Thanks again everyone you've been so sweet to respond.
Julie

Why would you even want to be with someone you had to hide yourself from?

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by jaina

Why would you even want to be with someone you had to hide yourself from?

---

I agree!

Hi Julie,

You need to ask yourself some serious questions, such as why did you decide to hide it from your second wife while knowing that it didn't go down well with the first one? I'm not judging here, just asking you to ask yourself that question.

The second thing you need to ask yourself is whether you're willing to face the consequences of telling your wife? It could go well, or it could go very badly, or somewhere in between.

How important is it for you to tell her? Can you face not saying anything, and living the rest of your life without her knowing?

Yup, sorry, it's time to do a bit of soul searching...

dear julie.for me coming out was a matter of neccessity.i had a bad experience having thought i was having a heart attack,and i had to start on medication to bring down my chlolestrol and my blood pressure.i had been always dressing and always in secret,just some lingerie and stockings.now i had a decision to make and i finally got the courage to tell her after about 34 years of marriage,being jewish i had to explain what and how i felt about doing something that we arent supposed to do.well i told her that i had made peace with myself and my maker and this was something that i had been doing since i was little and i couldnt continue doing it in the dark.well she realized that this was something that i really had to do so she said it was ok but not to ever dress in front of her or our children.since then i have been a member of tri-ess and when i left that group i joined cdi which is a cd group in manhattan.i now go to beetings with my girl friends to the g.i.p also in manhattan.and i always go dressed as pretty as i can be.ove phylisanne:love:

I loved and respected my wife so much, that I had to tell her. I felt she deserved to know that I was not all that she saw in me. Before I did so, I had to resolve within myself, that I might loose her and that she would hate me for it. I felt like a liar withholding the information from her that I loved to CD. I was prepared to lose her no matter how much it would tear me up and crush me. I was her prize and I feared telling her would destroy her and her love and admiration for me. It wasn't until we had been married a few years that I learned myself the extent to which I loved dressing. But that first time fully dressed and seeing myself in thee mirror, walking in heels and a skirt and having breasts etc., I knew the truth about myself. And the truth was I wanted to dress like a girl ALL the time!

Those of you who have read my posts and response know that my journey began a long, long time ago, and progressed from wearing bras and panties to wanting to dress completely all the time...at least half the time anyway.

She knew there was something different about me from the day she met me. Being the ultra masculine and manly guy that I was, she could never figure it out. But when I told her about the "other" me, the "Aha" light went off in her head. At the time we lived in this incredible house that overlooked the whole of our community. She asked me to go and get a pair of my favorite panties and put them on under my cut-off jean shorts and come back to the living room. I did, and she asked me to lie face down on her lap and tell her all about it. She unsnapped my 501 Levi cut off jeans as I placed myself in her lap and caressed my pantied bottom in a way she had never touched me before. I talked and she caressed for over an hour. The next few months were an incredible journey of exploration for both of us. I was blown away by some of the things that happened and where we both went with all of it. Years later we progressed far beyond this point, and also digressed more than I could have imagined. It is a very long, complicated and nuanced story. Today, it is not like it was. But we are both nearing sixty, and there has been so very much water under the bridge since then that has nothing to do with my CD. It has however taken its toll.

Bottom line? You are what you are. It will never change. It shouldn't either. If she doesn't love you for who and what you are, she doesn’t'
love you. And she doesn't love herself either. You are better off without. That isn't pretty, but that is the truth, believe me.

I came out to my partner even before thinking about a relationship

I grew up in an era where if you were a CD, you kept it secret even from your wife. At that time we were metally ill and perverted people. In many states it was illegal to even dress as a woman. So I kept it secret even from my wife for about 25 years. A little over a year ago I finially told my wife. She was not happy and it was only about 2 months ago she decided to accept me as a CD. I think I love my wife even more now.
In this day and age, women seem to be more tolerant and I now suggest to those that are entering a relationship to tell thier SO's.
Communication is very important in a relationship. It can solve a lot of problems, but I admit that not all relationships that involve a CD can be solved. There are those women that are not tolerant and don't even want to be tolerant. In those cases communication, cousoling and etc will not work and the only way to resolve it is to dissolve the relationship. It can be really hard but in the long run it may be the best.

The best way (IMO) is to be open about it BEFORE you get married. If she doesn't like "the real you", then it's time to move on.

I know, that doesn't answer the OP's question but I think it's important for anyone looking for a new girlfriend. Dating can never be successful if you hide your real self.

Patti

Quote:

---

I see both sides of it. It's real easy for the unattached, single, uninvolved, and younger transgendered folks, as well as those who came out to their wives and girlfriends successfully, to make blanket statements about the necessity of coming forth about one's crossdressing, but the reality of the situation may well preclude such a cut and dry solution.

Another blanket statement: "If she doesn't accept your crossdressing, then she just isn't the right woman for you in the first place." Remember that one? It's another piece of absolute rubbish that is bandied about on this forum as some laid-in-stone gospel truth.

I love my wife. Period. No buts. No ifs. It's my business who I have my life's relationship with. I have a terrific wife, and I love her very much. But she is not down with crossdressing. She knows I do it, but she's not real good with it. That's her right, and I try to respect that.

---

I really appreciate this perspective, Marla.

I'm sure it's a very different situation when you come to terms with CDing *after* you are married. Let's face it, many don't even come to terms with their own crossdressing until later in life (especially those that are a little older and didn't have the benefit of the Internet to aid in their own understanding) so they in turn were not in a good place to express themselves to their partner.

I'm often grateful that I didn't marry before dealing with my TG issues on my own. I was engaged when younger and never told her directly because I didn't really understand myself yet. If we had married, it would be one of those situations where I would be faced with this issue and I'm not so sure I would be as open as I am with people I just start dating.

If you are over 40 you probably didn't have many of the resources (if any) that are so readily available in the community today. This is a relatively recent thing, lest we all forget.

I have two experiences to relate as far as coming out.

First deals with my ex-wife -- long ago and in a marriage far far away.For all the reasons that we all know about, I didn't tell her.In the months just prior to the wedding, I was miserable and knew that the marriage was totally wrong. For all the other reasons we know about, I didn't back out. As the marriage progressed, I became very very 'dead' inside. My dressing was limited to wearing some bikini panties that passed (somewhat) for men's no-fly bikini briefs. I still can recall the day that she questioned me about them -- 'Do you wear women's underwear?'. I of course lied.

Fast forward to trying to have a child some 12 months later. Nothing is working. One reason was, and I'll say it .. without crossdressing being able to, ah, er, perform as it were, well, lets just say that Ms Softee was down there. So we sought help (mind you this was prior to medicine that starts with the letter V that we get spam emails about). Net result was -- no sperm. Yep -- don't make many -- at times none.

Soon she began sleeping in another room (done without telling me why) and I became sadder and sadder -- and almost paralysing sadness. So, at the end of February 19xx I told her that I wanted a divorce. That was received well. We spent the next month under the same roof in an atmosphere that was surprisingly pleasant. We had some long talks about what went wrong. It was then that I told her my whole story. I was shocked to hear her be very understanding, although not to the degree of it possible having been acceptable as a part of the marriage. One reason she was understanding was that she had many lesbian friends. Side note - she is now in a lesbian relation and they have an adopted child. Anyway -- one key thing she said was 'This explains a lot.'

Years pass -- and I meet the woman I will love forever. I am so head over heels in love with her, that I tell her.

see my intro in the intro bits:
http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...ad.php?t=83168
http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...ad.php?t=83322

The result -- Total acceptance. Her desire for me is that I be happier than I ever have been before. Our marriage has been like a rosebud unfolding and blossoming. Its as if some new a beautiful aspect appears every day -- like us going to buy makeup together, trying on bras together in Wal*Mart, making love both en-femme (or her en-homme).

And now, through her encouragement, I've re-engaged the community and come out here as it were, after years of being dead inside.

The love of a good and totally accepting woman makes life all the better. Pardon me for saying this -- but we are both religious and feel that we are joined by the power of God and the force of the Holy Spirit -- we were meant to find each other. Making me happy makes her happy, and I wake up every day saying what can I do make my wife happy. I will defend her to the death, and if anyone intends to harm her, they have to get through me first!

Guess I got off track there -- sorry

Huggles

Toni-Lynn

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by charlie90802

...why risk telling your SO? It simply makes no sense.

---

So please help me understand how lying and being deceptive in a committed relationship makes any sense.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Little Julie

...usually several other problems were involved. So if your relationship is strong, this will not hurt it...

---

For me, this is the crux of the whole issue. We read from the GG's here time and time again, that it is NOT the CDing that was the deal breaker; it was the lying about it, the deceit involved. It was the lack of trust the partner showed to them. And I am not coming to the table with some, "holier than thou" attitude as my wife and I were well into thirty years of marriage before I figured out who I was. We will celebrate our 40th anniversary later this year.

To answer the OP's original question, I actually told my wife a few day after discovering this site. I was home one day from work, not feeling too well and just surfing the Internet. I stumbled upon this website and started to read and read and read. I discovered who I was and that I wasn't the only freak guy in the world that had a passion for dressing in woman's clothing. The whys started to fall into place and things started making more and more sense. I joined the forum and began posting, putting down in words the thoughts rambling around in my head. One afternoon, when my wife got home from work, I sat her down in front of the computer and showed her a post from this website where I had poured out my heart. When she finished reading it, she looked at me and said, "So?" I looked her in the eye and said, "Honey, that's me. I wrote those words."

We talked for a few hours... all the usual questions. I answered them all with the truth as I knew it... no, I'm not gay; no, I'm not interested in surgery to "become" a woman; no, I don't have a need to do this full time; yes I do want to get out more, and on and on. Her biggest fear was the neighbors finding out (and it still is). This was the beginning of our setting boundaries together. At the end, she said, "If you are going to do this, then you are going to do this right... proper clothing, proper makeup and hair, proper deportment, the works." Of course I had no problem agreeing to that stipulation!

After we talked, that was pretty much it. Life went on. We started doing things together... going out shopping, eating,
even on vacation. She knows most of my friends in the TG community and has accompanied me on several outings. Of course, I made certain that she got her guy time as well.

I must say, this all just didn't happen by accident. My wife and I have worked hard to build our relationship for a long, long time. We trust one another without reservation, without question. In that conversation, she knew I was telling her the truth when I told her that I had just figured out that I was transgendered. So now for both of us, another piece of the puzzle of life was now in place.

So yes, I am one who advocates disclosure. I also advocate intellectual and emotional honesty in ALL aspects of committed relationship. Would you honestly accept anything less from your partner?

If you dont tell them who you really are, and love them,where's the trust.thats very special to our better halves,it truly is

Wow Toni,

What an amazing story, filled with rich detail. Thanks so much for sharing it!

It's amazing to hear all these different stories. I told my wife after 10yrs of marriage. We are married 36yrs now and she still hasnt seen Terri. I have excepted that and get out about 1 or 2x a month. I would love for her to go shopping with me or just meet my femme side. But down deep I know this wont happen and I have dealt with it.