Fear Is Our Biggest Enemy

I do not post as much as I used to but I do read a great many of the threads. There is a particular theme that resonates a great deal and it all boils down to the fear of the unknown.

I know a few years back I looked at all of this with great fear, a fear that for the most part stopped me in my tracks. I had great admiration for those who had gone out in public, who were comfortable with shopping, who had active cross dressing social lives.

One day something shifted in me and I realized that the only thing that separated me from them was my fears, fears that I would be discovered and my life would be ruined, fears that I would run into conflict situations in public, fears that I would be ridiculed and laughed at, fears that...you get the idea.

Once I could see that the solution was simple...just do what I fear, go out there, be in public, learn how to CD, buy clothes in male and female mode, go to restaurants and malls dressed...whatever I would normally do I had to do dressed femme.

It is tough at first but the good news is that it gets easier each time and the better news is my life has not been ruined, I have not had any great conflicts, I have been treated with respect or just ignored. In fact I am pushing the limits further now by spending all of my non-work time dressed femme to see if I can cross the next bridge which is 100% full time cross dressing.

The message is, you will never get past your fears by avoiding what you fear. For the most part, what we fear never happens and the few things that come along for the most part we can easily deal with.

Huggs
Melissa

Thanks Melissa for the great confidence building post,you framed it so well,it is fear of what you can't control.I'm going out toward the end of the month,[so I need inspiration like that].

You are so right Melissacd. I remember when I was afraid to go outside the house enfemme, fear was like a prison, I wanted to go out enfemme but the walls of fear were there to hold me prisoner in my home, then I decided to break through the walls of fear, even though it was only for less than a minute, it was a very liberating experience, the fear was still there but it was weaker, I kept muscleing my way past the wall of fear until I was finally free of that prison of fear. Now I go out enfemme all the time and the freedom to wear the clothes that I am comfortable in has changed my life for the better.
I hope more of us can get passed our fears and go out enfemme, because the time to come out to society is now, yeah you will get alot of questions such as, "are you gay",(I say no) "are you going to get a sex change",(I say no)"why do you like to wear dresses", (I explain why) and many more questions, be open to the questions, and do not be offended by the questions, I like when peaple ask me those questions, it gives me the opportunity to answer their questions, and to educate the peaple that we are not freaks, and that we live normal lives like anybody else does.
By answering their questions I help to break the miths about crossdressers that society has been fed by television.

Great thread melissa!

I admire everyone who can do what you do.

Well said

A good quote I liked is:

"I seek for no other persons opinion of me to define who I know I am,for it is not what they think that makes me,but what I know I am made of"

Fear is a hard thing to deal with sometimes.Something that can absolutely paralyzing.It can happen to the best of us.You really can be held captive by it and some people dont understand the power it can hold over you.Things are not always so simple.Yes,fear is the mind killer.Mine caused a lot of problems and regret but,there's nothing I can do about it now.I have a lot to work on but,Im doing good with some things.

In other areas,little things that I do now arent really a thought anymore.I use to be so afraid to go up and put makeup and things on the counter,lol.Now Im just like whatever.Recently I went to store and placed my things on the counter.There was this really cute girl working behind it and shes like,"these are for your girlfriend,right?",in a very smarta** but funny way.I noticed she was looking at my nails that were a little long and shiny.So I was like,"yes,absolutely",lol..in a way that was "yes,they are for me".She just smiled and put then in the bag.It was great.When you just accept things as they are and not worry so much it does become easier.

I live in a street where contruction has taken the whole street:Angry3: so I have to move my Car to a street where I can park,I wake up at 4:30 am but because I decided to put on my comfortable pair of wedges and I felt fear leaving slowly I gotton stares from my neighbors but I have enjoyed walking in slingback wedges without fear:love:I hope to soon venture out with cool friends and enjoy my first time out:daydreaming::thumbsup:

As they say "feel the fear and do it anyway". You are never cerain of the results if you try but if you do not try, failure is 100% certain.

Fear is also good sometimes, as it gives us warnings about our enviroment, where we are, who's around us so that we can act accordingly. But it should never overtake our life, should never take it from us. We should always look at fear straight in the eye and make rational decisions to deal with it. That's my viewpoint..:battingeyelashes:

You are so right and it does work. There so many that do it has come somewhat common place especialy on the campus I work. Huggs Keli

It's mostly a fear of being ourself, which can go either way really. In any case, this type of fear is irrational and consumes a lot of energy, energy that could be put to more constructive use in positive self expression.:)

Yeah... I've been walking the fine line between fearlessness and stupidity for some time..... Haven't figures which one applys.... ".

A little dose of fear is healthy... Keeps you from doing something stupid... Or worse...... unsafe!!

This so much reminds me of .................

"NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition! Our chief weapon is surprise...surprise and fear...fear and surprise.... Our two weapons are fear and surprise...and ruthless efficiency.... Our *three* weapons are fear, surprise, and ruthless efficiency...and an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope.... Our *four*...no... *Amongst* our weapons.... Amongst our weaponry...are such elements as fear, surprise.... I'll come in again."

Great thread Melissa!:thumbsup:

You are totally correct - FEAR is our biggest worry (of our own making)

Be confident, be determined, get an attitude - act like you belong - quit worrying about how others may perceive you

I have decided that I "just don't care anymore" what others may think of me

Be strong

JoAnne Wheeler

And once in a while, even if you do face a bit of ridicule or some moron cashier acting stupid, no big deal. Just don't let it shatter you. Some CD's get their first taste of rejection or ridicule and want to run and hide. Don't let it bother you if or when it does happen.

See with most CD's, they just don't want to be dressed up with no where to go. It is nice to get out. So, hopefully many new outings will come for you and enjoy.

1st, that I will offend a stranger. Less & less problem there, with so much experience of tolerant boutiques. Still I avoid crowds & mainstream stores.
2nd, fear of losing friends & family. Don't know how to deal with that--the risk increases as I get more comfortable with #1. I don't go dressed to museums, events & restaurants locally for fear of discovery.

Once I crossed that line to full time l stopped being afraid. I wasn't crossdressing anymore, there was nothing to be afraid of anymore. Carol

Fear can be your greatest ally or your worst enemy. It all depends upon how you use it.

As some have eluded to, you wouldn't walk into a biker bar, dressed in all your finery. The fear of what could happen stops you putting yourself at risk of bodily injury. That is fear working as your ally.

If you fear a comment or look from someone, who in 99.99% of cases wouldn't dream of talking to you, then that is fear as your enemy.

Fear is both good and bad for us, but we should let it guide rather than rule.

Nigella, that is one of the most succinct and best examples of the proper attitude I have yet read. Kudos!:)

You're totally right about it getting easier the more you do it!

I've only been out dressed 3 times, the first of which was about 2 months ago. It was just around the block, and at night so it was dark. But I still remember being tense and nervous the whole time, thinking someone would notice!

The next two times, I ventured a bit further to the local shops where the post box is (had some stuff to post). One of the times was mid afternoon and I had to pass a few people in the street, but it definitely felt easier and more relaxed that time!

As you say, confronting your fear is the best way to get over it.

Debbie

Are we actually fearing other peoples fears though. I'll leave you to work that one out :)

I have been out a few times in the past. Mostly around Halloween when it's not that big of a deal. But these past few weeks, I had been feeling the urge to get out some more. The only thing keeping me in was fear. Fear of being outed, ridiculed, mistreated, or humiliated. But you know what? I decided to get dressed up and go out anyways. The world will not end. You can't die from embarrassment. I even got my ears pierced last week en-femme and no one cares. I do have to give props to the wonderful gal who worked at Claire's. She was super friendly and helped put my fears at ease. I also have to give props to the gal at Lane Bryant today, as well. She helped me so much. She also gave me feedback on everything I tried on (which was alot! I was there over an hour and a half!) And I know for a fact both of them knew I wasn't a GG, but they didn't care.

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders.

Im at a crossroads myself. I am starting to get some braver in going out. I have gone as gina to drugstores for makeup and household cleanser. I even met a friend at a local pub( Though is in a bi/gay friendly city). I am still nervous about how I look, though have got comments from various gentlemen about looking female and willing to take me out. Even was asked to go as a date to a folk concert. That was a big bost to my ego but was chicken to go. I guess i have to continue to get more comfortable in my own skin- and the fears will lessen.

Like Gina, I'm not sure just where I'm going with this. I've done a couple of really brave (for me) things lately, but I'm not sure of myself yet. I really don't want this thing to take over my life more than it has already done. On the other hand, I'm on the threshold of doing some special things as a lady, and I'm very drawn to pushing it a bit.

But I still have a bunch of fear. And I'm still not ready for my wife to come home one day with me still in the full regalia. Big fear. Geez, if that ever happens, I hope I'm wearing something worthy of the occasion.

I love the responses to this thread! I totally agree with the points being made about being careful, having fear guide you in terms of safety and I am not advocating that you be less cautious than you would normally be out in public. In fact I feel that you have to be even more aware of your surroundings when en femme. As males we can often forget how much more risky it can be for GGs out there because that has not been a big part of our experience. So it is always good to err on the side of wariness and caution when in public.

The fear that I speak of though is the fear that prevents you from going out the door at all. You have to put on your best face, do your best to dress appropriately to blend in and then just get out there and enjoy your life.

Thanks for all of the wonderful replies so far.

Huggs
Melissa

..and fear among other things are starting to creep into my life. I'm not afraid of being in public as my first time dressed involved a public outing.

I fear what might become of me as my urge to be "me" continues to grow. I fear I won't find balance or that it won't come quickly.

I fear I may lose love of a type that many here would die for.

Most of all I fear the lack of peace in my life. I've done most of the reading. I've engaged in alot of research, but sometimes all of these fears overwhelm me.

I'm here to read..learn more...and understand better what's happening to me.

Your fears are good fears, I certainly do not suggest that I do not have many of these fears as well. More importantly I know that I must get beyond these fears if ever I am to be happy. Like anything, you continually push the envelope and then check to see if you are happy where you are. If you are not happy then push the envelope some more. If you do this in small steps it will get easier. By testing the waters in this way you will see that it is not so bad after all, that the world does not come crashing down, that you learn something new about yourself and the world around you and you start better understanding what it is that you really want, what it is that will really make you happy in your life.

You will never learn anything by hiding from your fears.

Huggs
Melissa

Quote:

---

Fear Is Our Biggest Enemy

---

As much as I really hate to ruin a 'feel good about ourselves' thread, this is simply not true. Sure, there are some times when no one will care if there is a guy en femme walking about, but the times when someone does? Then you can be in real trouble, and that can get you in jail, beaten, or even killed. There are a whole lot of people out there that take offense to what we do, some of whom who would like nothing better than to 'hit the fag over the head with a baseball bat' for no particular reason. Gays, for the most part, are sort of invisible amongst the general population unless they want to stand out. Not us. We more often than not would stand out in a crowd like the proverbial 800 pound gorilla. Really think 'fear is our biggest enemy'? Really??? Then stop all the fooling around about how tolerant everyone is, and go to work in drag. Go everywhere dressed as fabulous as you really want to, as we all would like to. Walk past an elementary school in drag during lunch, recess, or at the end of the day on a daily basis. Then get back to us how well things are going for you in a few months, and let us know how all your co-workers, landlord, neighbors, friends and relatives feel about you. Or, now are you starting to 'feel the fear'?

There are two kinds of fear - one is useful, it prevents you getting into trouble you don't need...

The other kind is paralysing, can take over your life, limit it unnecessarily.

The trick is surely finding the balance (and that requires you to push your own envelope) where you are in control.

That's not 'fooling around'. And there is loads of tolerance out there, if you go look for it.

Some real thought-provoking ideas in this thread.

Several years ago when I first started participating in this forum, reading others' experiences gave me the courage to overcome some of my fears. It has been a liberating experience simply to be open to my wife.

Still, some fears linger, and I know that those fears stem from low self-confidence as well as concern for my safety. My wife, through her acceptance and support, is helping my self-confidence so much. She is also concerned about my safety, and that is what troubles her the most about my crossdressing.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Nicki B

That's not 'fooling around'. And there is loads of tolerance out there, if you go look for it.

---

Sure, if you actively look for tolerant people, you can find them. Problem is, the intolerant ones will find you, usually at the worst possible time, and when you're not expecting them.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by sometimes_miss

Sure, if you actively look for tolerant people, you can find them.

---

Wherever I've been, I've found them the norm - where do you go, that you find it different, so we can avoid the place? :strugglin

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Nicki B

There are two kinds of fear - one is useful, it prevents you getting into trouble you don't need...

The other kind is paralysing, can take over your life, limit it unnecessarily.

The trick is surely finding the balance (and that requires you to push your own envelope) where you are in control.

That's not 'fooling around'. And there is loads of tolerance out there, if you go look for it.

---

I too think like Nicki

That has nothing to do with outing yourself or going to work or going around the neighborhood en femme. But I have realized in my own case all of my fears were totally unfounded and kept me from enjoying this wonderful gift I have been given. I am still scared of wandering into many places but I hope that will change in time.

Even after I started going out, I would always avoid men. I would freeze up if a guy walked into a clothing store where I would be shopping. Now I am much more relaxed about it. There are the looks, but I also get warm, friendly smiles. At first, I would be so uptight, I could not force myself to smile back!

Sure there will be testy situations. But the vast majority of violent crimes occur at night where sex and/or alcohol is involved. And it really is not like we are wearing a bullseye on our shirts. The crimes against us do not outnumber those commited against gays or blacks or jews, for that matter.

The bottom line is: choose your venues. You're probably perfectly safe going to a bar in a larger town that is frequented by an educated and more tolerant clientelle. On the other hand walking into the Dew Drop Inn in Buck Snort is almost a guarantee that you will at least be stared at in a hostile manner. Hell, they'll stare at any stranger in a hostile manner no matter how they're dressed. If you're not sure how you will be treated in a particular place go there a few times in drab to get an idea of the general tolerance level.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Katie B

Oh, Sometimes Miss, you're being silly here.

First, there's a massive difference from crossdressing in public and going crazy. No GG "goes everywhere dressed as fabulous as she really wants to". No ordinary guy in drab "walks past an elementary school ... during lunch, recess, or at the end of the day on a daily basis." That's just crazy behaviour and guaranteed to get a person talked about, whether cross-dressed or not..

Second, according to a question asked on an earlier thread here, only one of us has ever been in jail for cross-dressing and that was 30 years ago. As for "beaten, or even killed", I'm sure Battybats will give us the data, but these are very rare occurrences.

Third: "go to work in drag". Well, I have and so have many others of us. Just look at the threads.

Fourth: the theme on this thread is "Fear is our biggest enemy". Not our only enemy. Sure, I wouldn't go in drag to a National Front meeting or a radical Islamist convention (or a radical Christian convention either, for that matter). But you wouldn't catch me at any of those however I was dressed -- though I did once give a talk to a National Front meeting and lived to tell the tale.

But the point is this. Almost all of our sisters in the closet are there from fear; and almost none of our sisters out of the closet have suffered the things they fear. What conclusions do you draw from that?

---

I am not as articulate as I wish I was. You and Batty and a few others have a knack for expressing things so clearly.

The other thing that I object to is that this can be construed as some kind of "feel good thread". This thread is mostly a basic observation and realization of what most of us know is true, whether we are in the closet or not. And the good that this forum has done for those of us yearning to come out of that closet cannot be denied. Threads like these help others see the light as well as offer an opportunity to disagree.

If you want to stay in the closet, it is totally OK, out of fear or any other reason. If you disagree with this thread that is OK too. But to characterize this thread as something frivolous that ignores reality is not fair to the writer of the thread or to the idea behind it.

It would be of great benefit when criticizing posts like these if people can offer some concrete ideas or feelings or descriptions or events of the environment they live in that would justify their fears, rather than setting up examples of unrealistic behavior as a litmus test.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by sometimes_miss

Sure, if you actively look for tolerant people, you can find them. Problem is, the intolerant ones will find you, usually at the worst possible time, and when you're not expecting them.

---

My experience is the exact opposite. I find tolerant people everywhere without looking. The only person I've been scared by in years was a tranny chaser, who I guess you could say was tolerant to the point of ignoring the fact that I wanted nothing to do with him.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Katie B

But the point is this. Almost all of our sisters in the closet are there from fear; and almost none of our sisters out of the closet have suffered the things they fear. What conclusions do you draw from that?

---

Having stepped out of that closet and made my way into the real world outside, I look back and again say that the fear is a hurdle in the mind of the crossdresser. I'm probably going to sound like a broken record saying it, but every CD and TS I know who is comfortable going out has agreed with me on that point because they've experienced it too.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Michelia

It would be of great benefit when criticizing posts like these if people can offer some concrete ideas or feelings or descriptions or events of the environment they live in that would justify their fears, rather than setting up examples of unrealistic behavior as a litmus test.

---

Speaking of that unrealistic list, I went to a local supermarket on the way home from a restaurant night, straight after this photo was taken. I got more attention than usual, but it was only in the form of people looking at me. There were no negative responses. I've been to the same supermarket many, many times since in both boy mode and dressed down en femme without even a raised eyebrow.

Alice

Getting bolder. Shopped at Goodwill today. Walked up to the head cashier, Christine, and told her I was a cd, Jennifer--and asked if I could look at the dresses and heels. Said I was a little shy. "Aww...no problem at all. The dresses are right over there, with the formal dresses on the right. Use the men's or women's fitting rooms, it doesn't matter." I got a shopping cart. As I was looking at the dresses, an attractive woman looked and smiled at me from about 10 feet away. Whoops. I just grinned and winked broadly at her. Wish I had the nerve to engage her in conversation. I picked out 6 dresses to try on, plus a pair of wonderful pink strappy open toe heels in size 11. Pulled the shopping cart into the fitting room (men's side). Finally decided on a long silky red dress with rhinestone straps. Back to drab, to check out. "What do you think?" The cashier thought it was really nice. But then she said, "Enjoy your purchase, sir."
"Please don't call me sir." Pictures soon, maybe. I think I need a strapless bra.

It often seems to me that people who do succumb to fear, need validation that they are making the right decision - and so they talk up the perceived threat, to justify that 'decision'?

:sad:

As far as risk of violence...
We really have no good solid data!

The estimates of CD and TS populations are iffy at best, many incidents are unreported and often not recorded for hate-crime stats!

But if the estimates of TSs are correct then this needs to be considered extremely serious http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...hlight=leading and even a casual glance at the TDOR lists show that it's mostly non-white TSs that suffer violence far dissproportionately than either the white TSs or the cis non-white communities!

Some recent stats from Australia (note this is Lesbian Gay Bisexual and Transgender people) : http://www.latrobe.edu.au/news/artic...olence-exposed

Quote:

---

“One in seven respondents live in fear of heterosexist violence or harassment, which is not surprising as 85 per cent have experienced some form of abuse in their lifetimes.

“Seven out of ten respondents have been subject to heterosexist violence while alone in the past two years, and eight in ten have experienced heterosexist violence as part of a same-sex couple or group in the same period,” said Professor Mitchell.

---

Quote:

---

Eleven per cent of respondents reported that a family member, child or friend had been subject to abuse because of their association with a GLBT Victorian.

---

So there are risks.
But these risks are effected by other factors. Where you are, where you go, the colour of your skin. These are all major influences as to risks.

Middle class city and major suburb white CDs are far less at risk! CDing in open public populated areas is safer! Your risk of being recognised, to fail to pass and be uncomfortable may be more than a dark minor street at 3 AM but people are far less likely to assault you in a busy shopping mall!

And the more those with less risk actually get out and shift social attitudes the lower the risk for everyone!

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by battybattybats

As far as risk of violence...
We really have no good solid data!

The estimates of CD and TS populations are iffy at best, many incidents are unreported and often not recorded for hate-crime stats!

But if the estimates of TSs are correct then this needs to be considered extremely serious http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...hlight=leading and even a casual glance at the TDOR lists show that it's mostly non-white TSs that suffer violence far dissproportionately than either the white TSs or the cis non-white communities!

Some recent stats from Australia (note this is Lesbian Gay Bisexual and Transgender people) : http://www.latrobe.edu.au/news/artic...olence-exposed

Quote:

---

“One in seven respondents live in fear of heterosexist violence or harassment, which is not surprising as 85 per cent have experienced some form of abuse in their lifetimes.

“Seven out of ten respondents have been subject to heterosexist violence while alone in the past two years, and eight in ten have experienced heterosexist violence as part of a same-sex couple or group in the same period,” said Professor Mitchell.

---

---

Batty, the figures you quote are for respondents - hence they are self-selecting, because those who have been the subject of abuse/violence are the ones who reply?

So your first comment is perhaps the closest to the truth?

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Katie B

-- though I did once give a talk to a National Front meeting and lived to tell the tale.

---

Should that be so surprising? Doesn't FN concern itself primarily with immigration? If there's a common interest to be served, it will take all kinds... as they say, politics makes some strange bedfellows.

Some of the most strident anti-immigration activists in the US are gay. Perhaps this is with good reason, as probably the vast majority of immigrants here come from considerably less tolerant cultures. Self preservation? I suspect that's even more so for France's immigrants!

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Nicki B

Batty, the figures you quote are for respondents - hence they are self-selecting, because those who have been the subject of abuse/violence are the ones who reply?

So your first comment is perhaps the closest to the truth?

---

Oh indeed there are methodological troubles in obtaining reliable data. Alas the pdf link to the study itself doesnt seem to work (for me at least) so i cant check on the methodology beyond it mentioning it was an online survey.

That doesn't mean we can automatically dismiss its findings though, merely recognise a significant margin of error.

Paranoia is a monster that will keep eating at you until there is nothing left.....Unless you do what you want and don't care what other people think. Easy to say, right.........

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Paulacder

Paranoia is a monster that will keep eating at you until there is nothing left.....Unless you do what you want and don't care what other people think. Easy to say, right.........

---

I agree. of course I'm still in the closet.. my older brother was down yesterday and he's looking at some things on the computer and we start talking about Eddie Izzard for whatever the reason.. my brother really likes Eddie's comedy stylings and I'm sitting here wondering where this is coming from.. he knows that this guy wears womens clothing.. I looked up Eddie Izzard on wikipedia and he says the same thing I do.. he likes to wear whatever clothes he fancies wearing and if that is womens clothes.. so be it.. I'm getting more brave with my clothes.. some of it is easily seen in my bedroom.. just not easily if you're not looking for it.. I mean it is right out there.. but disguised as something else.. I couldn't possibly wear womens clothing... I don't look the part.. but then who does???

I am pleased with the discussion that this thread has triggered. I appreciate the comments both pro and con. That is what free discussion is all about.

I do not ignore that there are risks, because there are. Life is full of risk. You risk your life everyday that you drive your car, but does that stop you. It is a calculated risk. The benefits outweigh the disadvantages and so you drive the car.

So yes I do acknowledge risk and I do suggest that we all take caution. I am very wary when I am out in public dressed. I do not do things to attract unwanted attention whether I am in male mode or femme mode. Please understand that I am certainly not proposing that we do silly things that will get us in trouble, I am merely stating that we create huge fears in our minds that quite frankly for the most part never come to fruition and those fears hold us back from enjoying our lives and expressing who we are.

As I have ventured out into the world en femme, with a smile on my face, a friendly and respectful nature, dressing in an appropriate way and just doing my normal business the simple fact of the matter is that everything is okay, the world has not come crashing down, none of the things that I feared have happened. Does this mean that it never will happen, of course not. Every minute of everyday is full of both risk and reward. You do the best that you can to mitigate and manage the risk side and enjoy and appreciate the reward.

Thanks to all of you for your thoughtful comments, I took a risk to raise this subject in the hopes that I would get rewarding thoughtful replies and discussion - and I did.

My hope is that this will help others who have fears that keep them from the pure reward of being themselves.

Huggs
Melissa

"Death is not the biggest fear we have; our biggest fear is taking the risk to be alive -- the risk to be alive and express what we really are." Don Miguel Ruiz

"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do." Eleanor Roosevelt

I like these 2 quotes. Kinda says it all, at least for me.