Fear Is Our Biggest Enemy

[melissacd]

Your fears are good fears, I certainly do not suggest that I do not have many of these fears as well. More importantly I know that I must get beyond these fears if ever I am to be happy. Like anything, you continually push the envelope and then check to see if you are happy where you are. If you are not happy then push the envelope some more. If you do this in small steps it will get easier. By testing the waters in this way you will see that it is not so bad after all, that the world does not come crashing down, that you learn something new about yourself and the world around you and you start better understanding what it is that you really want, what it is that will really make you happy in your life.

You will never learn anything by hiding from your fears.

Huggs
Melissa

[sometimes_miss]

Fear Is Our Biggest Enemy

As much as I really hate to ruin a 'feel good about ourselves' thread, this is simply not true. Sure, there are some times when no one will care if there is a guy en femme walking about, but the times when someone does? Then you can be in real trouble, and that can get you in jail, beaten, or even killed. There are a whole lot of people out there that take offense to what we do, some of whom who would like nothing better than to 'hit the fag over the head with a baseball bat' for no particular reason. Gays, for the most part, are sort of invisible amongst the general population unless they want to stand out. Not us. We more often than not would stand out in a crowd like the proverbial 800 pound gorilla. Really think 'fear is our biggest enemy'? Really??? Then stop all the fooling around about how tolerant everyone is, and go to work in drag. Go everywhere dressed as fabulous as you really want to, as we all would like to. Walk past an elementary school in drag during lunch, recess, or at the end of the day on a daily basis. Then get back to us how well things are going for you in a few months, and let us know how all your co-workers, landlord, neighbors, friends and relatives feel about you. Or, now are you starting to 'feel the fear'?

[Nicki B]

There are two kinds of fear - one is useful, it prevents you getting into trouble you don't need...

The other kind is paralysing, can take over your life, limit it unnecessarily.

The trick is surely finding the balance (and that requires you to push your own envelope) where you are in control.

That's not 'fooling around'. And there is loads of tolerance out there, if you go look for it.

[Shannon]

Some real thought-provoking ideas in this thread.

Several years ago when I first started participating in this forum, reading others' experiences gave me the courage to overcome some of my fears. It has been a liberating experience simply to be open to my wife.

Still, some fears linger, and I know that those fears stem from low self-confidence as well as concern for my safety. My wife, through her acceptance and support, is helping my self-confidence so much. She is also concerned about my safety, and that is what troubles her the most about my crossdressing.

[sometimes_miss]

That's not 'fooling around'. And there is loads of tolerance out there, if you go look for it.

Sure, if you actively look for tolerant people, you can find them. Problem is, the intolerant ones will find you, usually at the worst possible time, and when you're not expecting them.

[Nicki B]

Sure, if you actively look for tolerant people, you can find them.

Wherever I've been, I've found them the norm - where do you go, that you find it different, so we can avoid the place?

[Patty]

There are two kinds of fear - one is useful, it prevents you getting into trouble you don't need...

The other kind is paralysing, can take over your life, limit it unnecessarily.

The trick is surely finding the balance (and that requires you to push your own envelope) where you are in control.

That's not 'fooling around'. And there is loads of tolerance out there, if you go look for it.

I too think like Nicki

[Michelia]

That has nothing to do with outing yourself or going to work or going around the neighborhood en femme. But I have realized in my own case all of my fears were totally unfounded and kept me from enjoying this wonderful gift I have been given. I am still scared of wandering into many places but I hope that will change in time.

Even after I started going out, I would always avoid men. I would freeze up if a guy walked into a clothing store where I would be shopping. Now I am much more relaxed about it. There are the looks, but I also get warm, friendly smiles. At first, I would be so uptight, I could not force myself to smile back!

Sure there will be testy situations. But the vast majority of violent crimes occur at night where sex and/or alcohol is involved. And it really is not like we are wearing a bullseye on our shirts. The crimes against us do not outnumber those commited against gays or blacks or jews, for that matter.

[TommiTN]

The bottom line is: choose your venues. You're probably perfectly safe going to a bar in a larger town that is frequented by an educated and more tolerant clientelle. On the other hand walking into the Dew Drop Inn in Buck Snort is almost a guarantee that you will at least be stared at in a hostile manner. Hell, they'll stare at any stranger in a hostile manner no matter how they're dressed. If you're not sure how you will be treated in a particular place go there a few times in drab to get an idea of the general tolerance level.

[Michelia]

Oh, Sometimes Miss, you're being silly here.

First, there's a massive difference from crossdressing in public and going crazy. No GG "goes everywhere dressed as fabulous as she really wants to". No ordinary guy in drab "walks past an elementary school ... during lunch, recess, or at the end of the day on a daily basis." That's just crazy behaviour and guaranteed to get a person talked about, whether cross-dressed or not..

Second, according to a question asked on an earlier thread here, only one of us has ever been in jail for cross-dressing and that was 30 years ago. As for "beaten, or even killed", I'm sure Battybats will give us the data, but these are very rare occurrences.

Third: "go to work in drag". Well, I have and so have many others of us. Just look at the threads.

Fourth: the theme on this thread is "Fear is our biggest enemy". Not our only enemy. Sure, I wouldn't go in drag to a National Front meeting or a radical Islamist convention (or a radical Christian convention either, for that matter). But you wouldn't catch me at any of those however I was dressed -- though I did once give a talk to a National Front meeting and lived to tell the tale.

But the point is this. Almost all of our sisters in the closet are there from fear; and almost none of our sisters out of the closet have suffered the things they fear. What conclusions do you draw from that?

I am not as articulate as I wish I was. You and Batty and a few others have a knack for expressing things so clearly.

The other thing that I object to is that this can be construed as some kind of "feel good thread". This thread is mostly a basic observation and realization of what most of us know is true, whether we are in the closet or not. And the good that this forum has done for those of us yearning to come out of that closet cannot be denied. Threads like these help others see the light as well as offer an opportunity to disagree.

If you want to stay in the closet, it is totally OK, out of fear or any other reason. If you disagree with this thread that is OK too. But to characterize this thread as something frivolous that ignores reality is not fair to the writer of the thread or to the idea behind it.

It would be of great benefit when criticizing posts like these if people can offer some concrete ideas or feelings or descriptions or events of the environment they live in that would justify their fears, rather than setting up examples of unrealistic behavior as a litmus test.

[AliceJaneInNewcastle]

Sure, if you actively look for tolerant people, you can find them. Problem is, the intolerant ones will find you, usually at the worst possible time, and when you're not expecting them.

My experience is the exact opposite. I find tolerant people everywhere without looking. The only person I've been scared by in years was a tranny chaser, who I guess you could say was tolerant to the point of ignoring the fact that I wanted nothing to do with him.

But the point is this. Almost all of our sisters in the closet are there from fear; and almost none of our sisters out of the closet have suffered the things they fear. What conclusions do you draw from that?

Having stepped out of that closet and made my way into the real world outside, I look back and again say that the fear is a hurdle in the mind of the crossdresser. I'm probably going to sound like a broken record saying it, but every CD and TS I know who is comfortable going out has agreed with me on that point because they've experienced it too.

It would be of great benefit when criticizing posts like these if people can offer some concrete ideas or feelings or descriptions or events of the environment they live in that would justify their fears, rather than setting up examples of unrealistic behavior as a litmus test.

Speaking of that unrealistic list, I went to a local supermarket on the way home from a restaurant night, straight after this photo was taken. I got more attention than usual, but it was only in the form of people looking at me. There were no negative responses. I've been to the same supermarket many, many times since in both boy mode and dressed down en femme without even a raised eyebrow.

Alice

[JenniferR771]

Getting bolder. Shopped at Goodwill today. Walked up to the head cashier, Christine, and told her I was a cd, Jennifer--and asked if I could look at the dresses and heels. Said I was a little shy. "Aww...no problem at all. The dresses are right over there, with the formal dresses on the right. Use the men's or women's fitting rooms, it doesn't matter." I got a shopping cart. As I was looking at the dresses, an attractive woman looked and smiled at me from about 10 feet away. Whoops. I just grinned and winked broadly at her. Wish I had the nerve to engage her in conversation. I picked out 6 dresses to try on, plus a pair of wonderful pink strappy open toe heels in size 11. Pulled the shopping cart into the fitting room (men's side). Finally decided on a long silky red dress with rhinestone straps. Back to drab, to check out. "What do you think?" The cashier thought it was really nice. But then she said, "Enjoy your purchase, sir."
"Please don't call me sir." Pictures soon, maybe. I think I need a strapless bra.

[Nicki B]

It often seems to me that people who do succumb to fear, need validation that they are making the right decision - and so they talk up the perceived threat, to justify that 'decision'?

[battybattybats]

As far as risk of violence...
We really have no good solid data!

The estimates of CD and TS populations are iffy at best, many incidents are unreported and often not recorded for hate-crime stats!

But if the estimates of TSs are correct then this needs to be considered extremely serious http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...hlight=leading and even a casual glance at the TDOR lists show that it's mostly non-white TSs that suffer violence far dissproportionately than either the white TSs or the cis non-white communities!

Some recent stats from Australia (note this is Lesbian Gay Bisexual and Transgender people) : http://www.latrobe.edu.au/news/artic...olence-exposed

“One in seven respondents live in fear of heterosexist violence or harassment, which is not surprising as 85 per cent have experienced some form of abuse in their lifetimes.

“Seven out of ten respondents have been subject to heterosexist violence while alone in the past two years, and eight in ten have experienced heterosexist violence as part of a same-sex couple or group in the same period,” said Professor Mitchell.

Eleven per cent of respondents reported that a family member, child or friend had been subject to abuse because of their association with a GLBT Victorian.

So there are risks.
But these risks are effected by other factors. Where you are, where you go, the colour of your skin. These are all major influences as to risks.

Middle class city and major suburb white CDs are far less at risk! CDing in open public populated areas is safer! Your risk of being recognised, to fail to pass and be uncomfortable may be more than a dark minor street at 3 AM but people are far less likely to assault you in a busy shopping mall!

And the more those with less risk actually get out and shift social attitudes the lower the risk for everyone!

[Nicki B]

As far as risk of violence...
We really have no good solid data!

The estimates of CD and TS populations are iffy at best, many incidents are unreported and often not recorded for hate-crime stats!

But if the estimates of TSs are correct then this needs to be considered extremely serious http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...hlight=leading and even a casual glance at the TDOR lists show that it's mostly non-white TSs that suffer violence far dissproportionately than either the white TSs or the cis non-white communities!

Some recent stats from Australia (note this is Lesbian Gay Bisexual and Transgender people) : http://www.latrobe.edu.au/news/artic...olence-exposed

“One in seven respondents live in fear of heterosexist violence or harassment, which is not surprising as 85 per cent have experienced some form of abuse in their lifetimes.

“Seven out of ten respondents have been subject to heterosexist violence while alone in the past two years, and eight in ten have experienced heterosexist violence as part of a same-sex couple or group in the same period,” said Professor Mitchell.

Batty, the figures you quote are for respondents - hence they are self-selecting, because those who have been the subject of abuse/violence are the ones who reply?

So your first comment is perhaps the closest to the truth?

[MissConstrued]

-- though I did once give a talk to a National Front meeting and lived to tell the tale.

Should that be so surprising? Doesn't FN concern itself primarily with immigration? If there's a common interest to be served, it will take all kinds... as they say, politics makes some strange bedfellows.

Some of the most strident anti-immigration activists in the US are gay. Perhaps this is with good reason, as probably the vast majority of immigrants here come from considerably less tolerant cultures. Self preservation? I suspect that's even more so for France's immigrants!

[battybattybats]

Batty, the figures you quote are for respondents - hence they are self-selecting, because those who have been the subject of abuse/violence are the ones who reply?

So your first comment is perhaps the closest to the truth?

Oh indeed there are methodological troubles in obtaining reliable data. Alas the pdf link to the study itself doesnt seem to work (for me at least) so i cant check on the methodology beyond it mentioning it was an online survey.

That doesn't mean we can automatically dismiss its findings though, merely recognise a significant margin of error.

[Paulacder]

Paranoia is a monster that will keep eating at you until there is nothing left.....Unless you do what you want and don't care what other people think. Easy to say, right.........

[Carly D.]

Paranoia is a monster that will keep eating at you until there is nothing left.....Unless you do what you want and don't care what other people think. Easy to say, right.........

I agree. of course I'm still in the closet.. my older brother was down yesterday and he's looking at some things on the computer and we start talking about Eddie Izzard for whatever the reason.. my brother really likes Eddie's comedy stylings and I'm sitting here wondering where this is coming from.. he knows that this guy wears womens clothing.. I looked up Eddie Izzard on wikipedia and he says the same thing I do.. he likes to wear whatever clothes he fancies wearing and if that is womens clothes.. so be it.. I'm getting more brave with my clothes.. some of it is easily seen in my bedroom.. just not easily if you're not looking for it.. I mean it is right out there.. but disguised as something else.. I couldn't possibly wear womens clothing... I don't look the part.. but then who does???

[melissacd]

I am pleased with the discussion that this thread has triggered. I appreciate the comments both pro and con. That is what free discussion is all about.

I do not ignore that there are risks, because there are. Life is full of risk. You risk your life everyday that you drive your car, but does that stop you. It is a calculated risk. The benefits outweigh the disadvantages and so you drive the car.

So yes I do acknowledge risk and I do suggest that we all take caution. I am very wary when I am out in public dressed. I do not do things to attract unwanted attention whether I am in male mode or femme mode. Please understand that I am certainly not proposing that we do silly things that will get us in trouble, I am merely stating that we create huge fears in our minds that quite frankly for the most part never come to fruition and those fears hold us back from enjoying our lives and expressing who we are.

As I have ventured out into the world en femme, with a smile on my face, a friendly and respectful nature, dressing in an appropriate way and just doing my normal business the simple fact of the matter is that everything is okay, the world has not come crashing down, none of the things that I feared have happened. Does this mean that it never will happen, of course not. Every minute of everyday is full of both risk and reward. You do the best that you can to mitigate and manage the risk side and enjoy and appreciate the reward.

Thanks to all of you for your thoughtful comments, I took a risk to raise this subject in the hopes that I would get rewarding thoughtful replies and discussion - and I did.

My hope is that this will help others who have fears that keep them from the pure reward of being themselves.

Huggs
Melissa

[Kelli Michelle]

"Death is not the biggest fear we have; our biggest fear is taking the risk to be alive -- the risk to be alive and express what we really are." Don Miguel Ruiz

"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do." Eleanor Roosevelt

I like these 2 quotes. Kinda says it all, at least for me.