CDing keeps me faithful...not the other way around

[danam]

I have a bone to pick with the GGs who think that crossdressing is a type of unfaithfulness...a betrayal, so to speak. I want to announce to the world that my desire to crossdress has KEPT ME FROM OTHER WOMEN.

My story is this: I am a totally closeted crossdresser, and married for 10+ years. My wife totally doesn't know. The reason I don't tell her is simple: I have conflicted feelings about it, but I love it, and I know that she won't understand it. I know her tastes, I know her desires, I know her intimately. She won't like it. So I think it is better to just avoid the stress and weirdness altogether. And, besides, I really don't want to have a deep conversation about it, because I'm only just beginning to come to terms with that side of myself. I have been running for it for decades...so it is not something to bring up casually or even joke about. I genuinely don't want it to come between us. And I fear it will.

Now, all marriages go through their trials. After 10+ years, you had better believe that every man has had his temptations. But must tell you this. When faced with the opportunity to have a physical affair with another woman, I have stopped, and thought...sex with another woman is not really the answer to life's troubles. Sure, for some, it might appear to be. But for me, you know what? I would rather (much rather!) spend a day as Dana, out and about in heels and makeup and a skirt suit, than to sleep with that gorgeous young business analyst on the 3rd floor of the office. Honestly, I get more of a rush thinking about being Dana!

So, yes, the desire to crossdress makes me a more faithful husband. Yes, my CDing is a secret, and that is wrong, but it has kept me from making an even more terrible mistake--thinking that sex with another is just a "fun" thing to cheer you up a during a normal ebb and flow of life.

So there, I have said it. The desire to crossdress is a sexual rush...but it is a "man" thing, and don't try to understand it. Just know that it is entirely separate from the desire to have a nice, stable, and loving home life. It can keep a man faithful, because with CDing, he won't be as eager to fall for the temptation of other women, because it is really, really fun all by itself.

Thank you for listening, and I hope that this doesn't totally offend too many people. But it is my honest feelings.
-Dana

[BekiJ]

Thank you Dana, well said.
Hugs
BekiJ

[AllieSF]

I agree with you completely and wish you the best. You are an adult and only you can make that decision. No one should try to peer pressure you into doing what you have decided not to do. Happy dressing!

[JaytoJillian]

Right on! I am soooo totally "the other woman."

[Tasha McIntyre]

My wife totally doesn't know. The reason I don't tell her is simple: I have conflicted feelings about it, but I love it, and I know that she won't understand it. I know her tastes, I know her desires, I know her intimately. She won't like it.

You are right, no one knows your wife like you do. In the end it's only whether you are willing to continue hiding your stash and keeping a secret.

I thought totally the same about my wife, and didn't tell her for years and years, until I finally came to terms with myself and my CDing, then I couldn't keep it in anymore. It sure was a shock to her, but with the help of a couple of very informative and educational websites, things went better than I could have imagined.

I would rather (much rather!) spend a day as Dana, out and about in heels and makeup and a skirt suit, than to sleep with that gorgeous young business analyst on the 3rd floor of the office.

Absolutely, I feel the same way. No bigger high these days than to transform and spend the day as Tash.

Thank you for listening, and I hope that this doesn't totally offend too many people. But it is my honest feelings.
-Dana

Well said Dana.

Good luck

Tash

[Sarahwithanh11]

I couldn't agree more! I too have been married for quite a while, coming up on 20 years, and have never cheated on my wife or really even come close.

At one time, Dressing was a sexual thrill, but now it's more of an escape for me. I can be someone else, even a different gender, and I don't involve anyone else other than the girls on this board and any unsuspecting store clerks I encounter out there. I think lot of people have affairs to escape their regular lives and add excitement to what has become ordinary, but for me Dressing allows for that without all the other problems of affairs.

As for the idea that keeping it a secret is a betrayal, I really don't agree with that either. All couples, all families have things they don't discuss or don't throw in the other person's face. My wife told me early on that if I "was into anything weird like wearing my clothes" that she did NOT want to know about it. I kind of laughed and said that "yeah if I ever decide to do any of that I won't involve you" but beneath it all it was serious, and I have stuck with that ever since.

You've just got to do what works for you and the relationship, and if that means not telling the wife about Jessica then that's what I do. She also told me many years ago that she does not enjoy going to Lakers games, if you can imagine such a thing, so I don't involve her in those either.

[Kelli Michelle]

A couple of thoughts come to mind. One, let's not congratulate ourselves too much for doing what is the right thing to do (I have been married 21 yrs, never cheated). It's like congratulating oneself for not robbing banks because you work too much. No one should cheat, period. Second thought is that If the crossdressing is a major part of why you don't cheat (hopefully not), than, to me, you might as well say that you probably would have cheated except for that. If I am inferring something that is not true, I apologize, but that sounds like what you are saying. If true, that doesn't sound very good either, just saying.

As far as not telling your wife, I certainly wouldn't ever (and don't think anyone should)pass judgement without knowing the totality of experiences you have. One has to do what one has to do sometimes. There have been many accepting SOs but significantly more non-accepting SOs. SOmetimes the non-acceptance turns very ugly. So I, for one, can empathize. My wife knows but is non accepting. Still, I am glad I was upfront with her. But that was the decision I made, just as you have made yours.

[docrobbysherry]

R u REALLY being faithful? If U r the OTHER WOMAN?

Would your SO agree?

I'm wondering what my So, if I had one, would say, if she found out I got a bigger thrill from being, and being with, Sherry, than with her?

[ReineD]

Dana, I fully respect who you are and your decision to not have an affair when you might have been tempted. But it is your reasoning I cannot understand. If I were to become attracted to someone else, even though my SO & I are not married, I would feel as if I had betrayed him if I went outside the relationship for sex. I would choose to remain faithful not because I may prefer to do something else over having an affair, but because I would not want to hurt my SO.

Lots of things can be a wedge between couples, not just affairs. Anything that consistently comes first above the relationship (other than getting basic needs met): obsession with a sport, workaholism, a wife ignoring her husband by hiding behind her children's needs, a partner's over-indulgence or compulsion in anything .. shopping, food, alcohol, or an overly active social calendar. In short, anything that becomes a priority over the partner indicates a disconnect in the relationship. The couple may not even realize they've settled into a tacitly agreed upon marriage of convenience, with or without fringe benefits, as their relationship hasn't developed into its fullest potential for closeness or intimacy.

CDing in itself is not a betrayal to a relationship. It becomes a wedge when a husband spends his time thinking about his next opportunity to CD, or everything else connected with it, rather than being present in his relationship with his wife.

[Angie G]

Good outlook Dana. I am also Faithful but it's because of a think called LOVE.It has keep me there foe 40 years with only her.
Angie

[Barb123]

Dana

This has been the best "right on" thread I have read. The subsequent additions have only affirmed your statements. Even those who see the issue but came to a different conclusion, see your point.

We are all dealing with the same compulsion. I know I have for 37 years of marriage, I have dealt with this on and off.

I sometimes think the marriage would have been better had I not had to deal with this. Having said that, I also believe that it would have manifested itself in a more distructive activity had it not rooted itself in cross dressing. In some ways I have been more attentive to her and the family to offset or make up for the distraction this may have caused.

Thank you for the courage to say it and say it well.
Barb

[nikitataylor0210]

great post Dana... I am in the same boat as you, and although I've been advised by some friends to tell my SO, I just think it will unnecessarily over-complicate things, and as long as I'm faithful, I have no reason to feel bad about it.....

[Satrana]

I do think that CDs are far more faithful than average guys but not because we are better people. Rather it is because we don't see women as "skirt" to chase and conquer but instead we relate to them more because of our interest in femininity. The drive to prove our masculinity through sexual conquest is largely lacking in a CD.

On top of this our self-esteem tends to be low because we have this guilty secret that makes us feel we are undesirable hence we are more likely to stay faithful to a woman who agrees to marry us even if she is in the dark about the CDing.

I believe that when GGs talk about unfaithfulness in CDs, they are really talking about the threat to the relationship - in particular the threat to the idealized relationship between a man and a woman that we are constantly bombarded with through the mass media. We expect certain things from our partner because that is what we think everyone else is getting, even though this is actually an illusion. So the use of the word unfaithful is really a cry of helplessness and insecurity in seeing their man becoming less masculine (the horror!) and becoming unduly focused on an idealized alter ego which they cannot hope to compete with.

[Georgia Rose]

I don't know that CDs would be more faithful on average than other couples. As a reasonably shorttime CD though I do become the other woman when I dress. My wife knows all about it and at times even suggests I might like to dress. She says I'm a different person when dressed, more caring, considerate and talkative. Other than for her I'm way in the closet and will keep it that way. It all comes down to LOVE and after nearly 40 years in my case that's still very strong (that's not to say I've always been an angel).

[Joanne f]

Are you really saying " hey i have just thought of a good reason why it is OK to keep secrets , so that should make me feel better about it

[Sheila]

I have a bone to pick with the GGs who think that crossdressing is a type of unfaithfulness...a betrayal, so to speak. I want to announce to the world that my desire to crossdress has KEPT ME FROM OTHER WOMEN.

I think you will find that most GG's who "discover" their partners are CDR's, do not think it is a type of unfaithfullness .............. issues surrounding what "SOME" CDR's do with it & use as an excuse to explore their sexuality whether in real life or on the web can be ...... there is a difference.

I want to announce to the world that my desire to crossdress has KEPT ME FROM OTHER WOMEN.

I would have prefered the phrase "my love for my wife" is what keeps me from other woman ..... but maybe I am just being picky

My wife totally doesn't know. The reason I don't tell her is simple: I have conflicted feelings about it, but I love it, and I know that she won't understand it. I know her tastes, I know her desires, I know her intimately.

you may well THINK you know your wife .......... we can never, ever know another human being that well, much as we would like to think we do just my

She won't like it. So I think it is better to just avoid the stress and weirdness altogether.

she may, and she might just not see it as being weird, she may have conflicted feelings about it, but she may be willing to work through those because she loves you ...... or she may not and unless you tell her OR she discovers, you will never know

[SIZE="3"]And, besides, I really don't want to have a deep conversation about it, because I'm only just beginning to come to terms with that side of myself. [/SIZE]

Ahhhhhhhhhh, now that is a telling statement, you don't want to have a deep conversation about it & because you are just "coming" to terms with it, u make assumptions that your wife could not

The desire to crossdress is a sexual rush...but it is a "man" thing

It is not a sexual rush for all CDR's nor is sexual rushes exclusively a man thing

[Raychel]

You nailed it Dana, I could not have said it better. Our home life is almost non-existant at the current time, and I must say that if Raychel wasn't around, I may have strayed. But with Raychel around it just makes life more livable.

Thanks Dana.

[Karren H]

Well personally.... Faithfullness is a moral trait that is independent of what I clothes I wear... Its like saying that if I didn't have my truck to work on I'd go have an affair with the neighbor lady?? Not a good excuse to go out and buy a broken down truck and not one to justify your crossdressing either, in my humble opinion..

[Stephanie Stephens]

Dana; I do the same thing with a gay difference. My dressing lets me vent my fem side without having sex with men and my marriage is not jepordized.

[TSchapes]

My main contention with you Dana are the secrets. I don't know what your wedding vows were, but keeping secrets I bet wasn't one of them.

Sorry to be hard on you and your sisters that keep secrets from their SO, but I've seen it backfire so many times. It's hard to put the pieces back together.

I'm hoping too that all the CD's that keep this secret from the SO's pass away after their SO does, otherwise their's going to be this "big surprise" along with the grief once the SO discovers your "stuff".

Oh, btw my SO knows, and even though she does understand that it's a part of me and she has forgiven me, she still believes that I am cheating on her in some ways with Tracy. Namely the time I am away from her. But there is communication and we are constantly working on our relationship and how Tracy fits into it. I wouldn't have it any other way.

Stuff to think about. I know what works for one does not work for another, and if you are perfectly happy with your arraignment, far be it from me to throw a wrench into the works.

-Tracy

[JoAnne Wheeler]

JoAnne is all the "other" woman that I can deal with - I do like the flirtations

that GGs give me in my DRAB mode - don't know how they would respond in

my underdressing mode - my Spouse knows that other GGs flirt with me - but

I'm like an old dog chasing cars, I don't know what to do if I caught one.

JoAnne and my Spouse know each other and try to get along.

JoAnne Wheeler

"I'm an all American Bluegrass Girl and Proud As I Can Be"

[danam]

I can't reply to everyone!! But I have a thought. When a happily married GM sees an attractive woman walking down the street, there is a part of him that wants to totally go to town with her. That is an animal instinct. Fortunately, most GMs know that that is not socially acceptable behavior (like, thrown in jail for a long, long time), but the thoughts are there nonetheless. Is it right to tell your wife that you are attracted to random women walking down the street? Why bother her with that information? GMs and GGs are very, very different in their concept of sex...it is amazing that we can live together at all!!

[loren]

I have to say Dana, from a gg's point of veiw, im a little irked by your post.
Please correct me if im picking you up wrong,but to me your saying,its ok to be cd'ing behind your wifes back, because hey! atleast your not cheating?..
For eg, if my partner was secretly betting on the horses every chance he got because he loved it so much, or was addicted to it,does that mean if he didnt get to do it he would probably be cheating on me??
I dont get it?. To me its still decieving the person you married and shared vow's with.And yes men and women are different in ways, but are you also saying if you werent cd'ing, that you WOULD be cheating on your wife? then surely that would be because your not satisfied with the relationship you have with your wife and what you have at home.or downright selfish and greedy for more than whats there already.
If you look up many of the gg's posts here,i think you will find that whether they accept or want to be involved in theyre partners cd'ing, the main thing that bothered a lot of us gg's most when it came out, was the lying and hiding and keeping secrets about cd'ing in the first place,and not actualy the cd'ing in itself!
If i didnt know my partner aswell as i do, and wasnt happy with his cd'ing, i would be reading your post thinking 'jeez i better start pretending to be ok in every with his cd'ing or hes going to cheat on me!'.
Whether it be cheating with another, cd'ing, addicted to gambling,etc..Its the lying or hiding these things that can eventualy make the matter worse.Im not speaking for everyone on here,thats just my opinion.
But i a am curious to know,if you wernt a cd'er would you be cheating on your wife with another right now?
Im not attacking you in any way on this,like i said just curious to what you are trying to say in your post? Loren

[Jess_cd32]

Dana, I fully respect who you are and your decision to not have an affair when you might have been tempted. But it is your reasoning I cannot understand. If I were to become attracted to someone else, even though my SO & I are not married, I would feel as if I had betrayed him if I went outside the relationship for sex. I would choose to remain faithful not because I may prefer to do something else over having an affair, but because I would not want to hurt my SO.

Now thats what I call well said

Well personally.... Faithfullness is a moral trait that is independent of what I clothes I wear... Its like saying that if I didn't have my truck to work on I'd go have an affair with the neighbor lady?? Not a good excuse to go out and buy a broken down truck and not one to justify your crossdressing either, in my humble opinion..

Agree again, not cheating on your SO has nothing to do with cd'ing, it has to do with love and respect. Looking at whats on the menu is totally normal, just don't order!
If I ever told my SO 'honey your lucky I don't cheat on you because I cd' I'd get and then deservedly get ripped a new one

My suggestion, turn some of your energies to your SO, come up with some wild sexual ideas and rock your womans world! Nothing like the real thing, and make it all about her

[Kaz]

Loren, I admire your tolerance and understanding and of your approach...

I suspect many of us wrestle with trying to do the "right thing", and that frequently is about deciding what not to say. There are many of us on this site who have been open and then things have gone disastrously wrong, for others this approach has worked. Some of us have taken the view that if it means splitting up and then re-engaging with another that's cool because we have taken control of our lives...

There are some of us, and I am not really sure where I am yet, who have chosen a path of "protecting/supporting" the relationship (especially if kids are involved) because they fear the consequences - not for themselves, but for the people they really love and whose lives they could wreck.

I totally understand where Dana is coming from... and I think this thread is a really important one - it is causing me to challenge things big time and understand my rigidities... which is what personal growth and change is all about..

Thanks Dana, Kaz xx