ok... where do I begin... I am in love with two women from my past. Neither are local but I am in daily contact with both. None of my recent contact has been in person, only online or on the phone. One knows about kiera and is supportive the other does not know and likely does not even suspect anything in the least. Both tell me that they love me.
The one who knows and is supportive is a bit older than myself but lives with another man. She says that she does not want to stay with him and that she loves me but makes no real effort to change her situation. She has already had children and has taken permanant steps to keep from having anymore. We email on pretty much a daily basis but she only emails me from work and is very busy so the messages are typically short. We had a very special connection in the past and I feel comfortable talking with her about pretty much anything.
The one who does not know and certainly would not guess it in a million years... Is the same age as me. She has one child and wants to have more. She is smart, attractive and very charming. I have never heard any negative comments from her about anyone for being who they want to be but also do not know if she would still be interested in me if I came clean to her about who I am. Understandably of course.
Now to my dilema... With the first woman I would most certainly be able to express myself in what ever fashion I wanted. Whether that be as male or female. I would not be able to have a family of my own however, and there is a part of me that would very much love to raise a child of my own. And then there is the chance that she may not want me over her current man if it actualy came down to tryig to pursue the realtionship further.
With the second woman I would get a second chance at being the male me. I would have the opportunity to raise a child and have a chance to lead a "normal" life. Telling her would mean I could possibly loose some of the dearest friends I have ever had if it turns out that she is not accepting or supportive.
I was married a few years ago and am now divorced. I did everything I felt was right as soon as I entered the relationship. I was upfront and honest about Kiera long before we decided to get married. When she left she outed me. In the process I lost all of my local friends, many members of my family, and it put a huge strain on the family relationships I managed to hold on to. I live alone now. I havent had a single visit from anyone in over 3 years now to my home. I pretty much go to work and come home. Dress when I like but rarely venture out in male or female form.
As I see it here are my choices....
One... I can try to pursue the relationship with the woman who knows and is supportive. She may or may not leave the other man for me and I would never be able to have children.
Two... I can tell the woman who does not know and risk not only loosing her, but also the few remaining friends I have abroad.
Three.. I can not tell, and try to give up the feminine side of myself. I have tried for most of my life to do this without the slightest success. I would keep my friends and be in a normal husband-wife relationship.
I have grown weary of being alone. I do not want to spend the rest of my life in denial either. I do not want to be so seflish as to base a relationship on a lie. I long for the old friendships that I have had and do not want to loose the few that I have left. By choosing one woman over the other I risk loosing one of them forever.
What do I do?
thx for taking the time to read this...
Hugs,
Kiera