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Thread: please help--found out my boyfriend is into crossdressing

  1. #51
    Tamara Ann Valla tamarav's Avatar
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    [SIZE=4]Welcome to the forum![/SIZE]
    [SIZE=4][/SIZE]
    [SIZE=4]Your concerns are certainly valid ones, but the fact that your significant other may be a CD is actually pretty lame when considered next to other potential possibilities. None of us are perfect and the fact that we hide our crossdressing from others really has a tendency to tear up families due to the lies and the withheld truth.[/SIZE]
    [SIZE=4][/SIZE]
    [SIZE=4]I told my prospective wife about 2 years before we married, 25 years ago. She accepted it then and has not appeared to let it get in our way. We raised our three kids, they are gone now, and I have dressed pretty much continually since. She was either involved or not, depending on how she felt at the time.[/SIZE]
    [SIZE=4][/SIZE]
    [SIZE=4]Now, I dress daily to work as a cosmetologist, do makeup, permanent makeup, hair, wigs and some transformation work for our sisters. She is always wanting to hear the stories from the salon and how some people react to me, etc. She benefits from all the MAC makeup she could ever use and can go out anytime she wants with either her husband or her "sister". We talk constantly to make sure the other is not impacting the life of the other and try to stay very in touch.[/SIZE]
    [SIZE=4][/SIZE]
    [SIZE=4]Talking and listening are the very best tools out there. This subject is so tough to talk about by some CDs that they can spend their entire lives not talking to anyone about it, which is very sad.[/SIZE]
    [SIZE=4][/SIZE]
    [SIZE=4]Have a great time and explore the potential that exists with your mate, this is so much better than some of the types of behaviors out there that you are actually lucky in my opinion.[/SIZE]
    [SIZE=4][/SIZE]
    [SIZE=4]Your new sis,[/SIZE]
    [SIZE=4][/SIZE]
    [SIZE=4]Tami[/SIZE]
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

    I am a licensed Cosmetologist (hair stylist, not cosmonaut), work as a hair and wig stylist, makeup artist and permanent makeup artist, dressed as you see in my avatar and albums.

    My web site www.apparentlyfemale.com

    I have over 2,500 pictures on my Flicker site located at http://www.flickr.com/photos/9315394@N02/

  2. #52
    Platinum Member Sheila's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by tamarav View Post
    [SIZE=4]Have a great time and explore the potential that exists with your mate, this is so much better than some of the types of behaviors out there that you are actually lucky in my opinion.[/SIZE]
    [SIZE=4][/SIZE]
    [SIZE=4]Your new sis,[/SIZE]
    [SIZE=4][/SIZE]
    [SIZE=4]Tami[/SIZE]
    grrrrrrrrr why is this supposed to make a new GG feel better can someone please explain this to me, I have been here 4 years and still this type of idiotic comment drives me up the damned wall.

    The original poster asked for help in how to approach her partner about this and about help to understand his looking at other males in lingerie she has already said it does not phase her, that she is open to the possibility he is a cross dresser , she says she is a pretty open person both sexually and in everyday life and she gets comments like above telling her she is lucky
    I allow myself to set healthy boundaries ..... to say no to what does not align with my values, to say yes to what does.
    Boundaries assist me to remain healthy, honest and living a life that is true to me

  3. #53
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sheila View Post
    and you know what, for a newbie finding out it could be a whole lot better, he could be a loving masculine millionaire who absolutely adores her ............ dang comparisons do no damn good at all either way do they ?.......... if you can't either empathize or offer some helpful comment then you should at least leave well alone
    I think the comparison brings home the point that there are considerably worse things in this world than a significant other being a crossdresser. I fail to see any harm in highlighting this, and see considerable potential benefit.

  4. #54
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    Try helping him with his makeup. Let him serve you. If you handle this right the two of you can get closer. Crossdressing does not make you gay. I have been a cd for 42 years and have no wants for a man, I'm just a lesbian trapped in a mans body.

  5. #55
    Junior Member Catherine in Colo's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Karen7cd View Post
    Try helping him with his makeup. Let him serve you.
    I'm sorry, but how do responses like these have any bearing on the original post? Do we know that Notsurewhattodo's boyfriend either wants to wear makeup or be a maid?

    Sheila, as you probably gathered from my previous post, I totally agree with your post. "It could be worse" comments have no place in a thread like this.

    Notsurewhattodo said she was "pretty fine with" the prospect of her boyfriend's crossdressing. As such, there is no need to make comments like "well at least he's not an ax murderer" (to paraphrase). I can understand making those comments to a gg who thinks her SO is the antichrist because he wants to wear a skirt now and then, but Notsurewhattodo came here with some real perspective on the issue from the start.

    I'm somewhat new to posting a lot on the boards, but I'm rather disappointed that so many of the posts don't even relate to her situation. They either suggest that crossdressing is some sort of lesser crime (but still a crime), or they present solutions that come from the poster's fantasies about their own situation, having no bearing on Notsurewhattodo's situation. Comments like those make me afraid that she'll leave here with a worse impression of our community than before she posted.

    Being cd/tg/ts is by its nature a pretty selfish journey, and there is nothing wrong with that. But I fear that we're making this thread more about us than about Notsurewhattodo, and that bothers me.

    ..steps off soap box

  6. #56
    Gold Member MJ's Avatar
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    hi welcome,

    i feel you should just talk to him no games just talk he may deny it out of guilt or embarrassment and shame but don't be judgmental all the best
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

  7. #57
    Member TorieGG's Avatar
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    Sheila you are so wise! As a newbie myself I didn't feel "lucky" in any way, shape or form. I wanted to let notsurewhattodo know that I felt sooo guilty at first because I had a hard time accepting my husband's crossdressing. I had always thought I was pretty open minded but it's different when it's in MY house and MY bedroom. As Sheila mentioned, take it slow and give yourself time to absorb all that goes with it. I'm still working out my feelings weeks later and I probably will for some time to come. Allow yourself the time and ask the questions you have openly and honestly-I found that was the best way to find things out.

  8. #58
    KatelynMae's SO KayC's Avatar
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    Beachmama, couldn't say it better myself! And I also think comparisons are ridiculous and futile, let's stick to the issue (which isn't what there "could" be).
    Enacting life's lessons into positive change...

  9. #59
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    Masculinity and CDing

    A lot of crossdressers are very masculine but I heard years ago from many transgender and crossdressing people that acting macho and tough is there way of hiding/ escaping from their true feelings. I'ves heard a lot of them have been in the military, law enforcement or were involved in team sports, again it's a way CD and transpeople try to escape from dealing with their problem.

  10. #60
    Rebecca Ras's Avatar
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    If you are truely ok with his dressing, let him know you are fine with it. And when he is ready to share more with you, you are ready to listen, learn and participate with him so you both can do it together. You must also figure out what avenues his dressing may take and to what extend he wishes to dress.

    What will be acceptable to you? Can you handle him dressed up? Do you want to go out with him dressed provided he is somewhat passable?

    You sound very open and accepting of and actually a bit intrigued by it as well. This is all good signs for both of you. Just don't get too pushy and let him come out more to you when he is ready. Maybe you may want to buy him some things to wear and lay them on the bed to open up the conversations between you.

    Keep us posted and feel free to ask what ever you need to help you understand better

    Rebecca

  11. #61
    Ingredient: 100% Attitude DemonicDaughter's Avatar
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    [SIZE="3"]First, welcome to the forums, I hope you learn a great deal from the people here who are extremely helpful and caring.

    Second, I congratulate you on trying to find out more about your partner's passion. That's a step in the right direction.

    Thirdly, like anything, its a learning process that the two of you need to go through together. Ask a ton of questions, voice every fear and reassure them and yourself how you feel.

    And if you ever need an ear to rant to, many of us on here can easily accommodate you.

    NOW...

    For the people who keep going on about "there are worse things" or "at least he's not a [fill in the blank]"... you don't know her partner. You don't know anything but what the original posts states.

    Making comparisons to deviant behavior is irrelevant because not only do you NOT know the individual well enough to say they are or aren't anything, you are also implying its "bad" behavior but not "as bad" as your comparison.

    You want to ENCOURAGE people, NOT discourage them by implying statements of "well yes, its bad but not as bad as him being an abusive partner". Because not only have you presumed to know the partner is not abusive but you've also let the GG know that you view this as wrong. Nice...
    [/SIZE]
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
    [SIZE="3"]"We're all born naked. Everything we wear is drag," said Boy George
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  12. #62
    We all have our dreams... AmiFL's Avatar
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    Lucky Guy

    He is very lucky you are willing to talk to him about his interests. My wife was totally the opposite. When she found it she closed the door on any conversation about my dressing.

    You are open minded enough to come here and share your thoughts. Why not invite him to join you on the site and read the posts and look at the pictures together.

    I enjoy looking at all of the other members of this site. It amazes me how fabulous some of the men look as woman, and it is a bit of a turn-on. Not because I am gay, but because I wish I could look that good. I wish I could get my wife to join me and discover that different is not bad.

    Let me know what happens, I think you will both enjoy it.

  13. #63
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    No ax-murders in this bunch. But, maybe _____s. Yikes!

    DD,

    Offering that someone is, "At least not an ax-murderer" is not saying someone should accept someone crossdressing because, "It's not as deviant as..." It's arguing a position is ridiculous by making an absurd statement to highlight how silly someone's position on a matter, such as crossdressing, is...

    Someone can say, for example, "I hate the Democrats and all this stuff they've done to screw up the planet."

    You can blow up on the subject, or, you can say, "Yeah, I hate what they've done with the weather this weekend; I was going to grill steaks, but the *******s ordered rain."

    It's perfectly alright to compare ax-murdering to crossdressing when your point is that crossdressing is completley harmless, or, so harmless that making harsh judgements and taking rash actions is completely uncalled for.

    After all, if I ax-murdered someone just once (Just once!), they're dead forever. On the other hand, if I crossdressed once, twice, a thousand times - no one died, and, you know what? Nothing of great consequence at all really happened.

    People crossdress. There is no harm in it.

    But, golfers... Now, there's harm! All those pesticides going into the rivers and steams and all that water and fuel wasted on useless short grass. And, the wasted space! Great parkland tied up for "a game" most people can't afford to play. At least not at the really good places...

    So, he crossdresses?

    At least he's not a golfer.

  14. #64
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    If you are ok so far ,you can have a realy great time.you are sure your bf likes to wear comfy things.pick out a couple things new that feel good to you and get them in "her" size.leave them in a place ,bathroom and a note saying come to bed and play with me. nobody needs to know what you do in your space.the issue is trust.weather ok or not,its trust of silence out side the space.

  15. #65
    Time Lady JiveTurkeyOnRye's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by maryklinden View Post

    People crossdress. There is no harm in it.

    But, golfers... Now, there's harm! All those pesticides going into the rivers and steams and all that water and fuel wasted on useless short grass. And, the wasted space! Great parkland tied up for "a game" most people can't afford to play. At least not at the really good places...
    .
    Wait a minute though, I bet some of my women's clothes were sewn by some kid in a sweatshop somewhere in Thailand... so uh oh...
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  16. #66
    Ingredient: 100% Attitude DemonicDaughter's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by maryklinden View Post
    DD,

    Offering that someone is, "At least not an ax-murderer" is not saying someone should accept someone crossdressing because, "It's not as deviant as..." It's arguing a position is ridiculous by making an absurd statement to highlight how silly someone's position on a matter, such as crossdressing, is...
    You realize that, despite how you might have meant it, you just made it sound as if a partner's concern about crossdressing is ridiculous.

    Don't worry about the fact that someone lied to you for years, at least he didn't kill anyone!

    Don't mind that he's had to hide money from you, at least he doesn't rob people!

    Look how ridiculous it is for you to be upset when he could be SO much worse!

    That's not a good way to console someone who is hurting. And its not a good way for couples to deal with issues. Saying someone should be happy their partner isn't something worse DOESN'T help the current issue.

    Then why not console the family of rapists with phrases like "well at least he's not a murderer". Too harsh for you? Okay how about consoling someone whose partner dumped them by saying "well even though he cheated, at least he didn't rob you."

    When you are in pain and feel betrayed by your partner or worse, feel you don't even KNOW them, saying something like that doesn't help. As a matter of fact, being that person feels they truly don't know their own partner at the moment, I'm sure a reaction to that statement wouldn't be far from, "how the hell would I know if he was or wasn't an ax murderer when he's had this entire secret life?!"

    Though I might understand how it seems a harmless statement to many on here, it doesn't HELP and that's what we are trying to do. Help one partner understand, not feel grateful her partner doesn't beat her instead.

    It's perfectly alright to compare ax-murdering to crossdressing when your point is that crossdressing is completley harmless, or, so harmless that making harsh judgements and taking rash actions is completely uncalled for.
    For a lot of people, crossdressing is NOT completely harmless. I might be a very accepting person and feel personally that crossdressing isn't "wrong" but that doesn't mean its harmless. Least of all when I read on a nearly daily basis the pain and anguish many CDers and their partners go through. Reading about the lies and deceit, the money missing, the secrets the silence, the lack of intimacy and all the other various things that some activities involved with being TG can lead to.

    I highly doubt that many would say CDing is completely harmless. It, like all things, has its good and bad points. And just like anything else, done in extremes is quite harmful indeed.

    After all, if I ax-murdered someone just once (Just once!), they're dead forever. On the other hand, if I crossdressed once, twice, a thousand times - no one died, and, you know what? Nothing of great consequence at all really happened.
    Unless your partner didn't know about it and felt you had an entire secret life without them. If they felt utterly betrayed that the person they loved would keep something so personal from them. I would consider that a great consequence.

    At least he's not a golfer.
    I'm pretty sure many partners might prefer a golfer over a crossdresser.
    [/SIZE]
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    [SIZE="3"]"We're all born naked. Everything we wear is drag," said Boy George
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  17. #67
    Member ggtracy's Avatar
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    Crossdressing is completely harmless?

    I agree with DD. We see people on here everyday hurting, both CDers and their partners. In fact, the whole point of the initial posters thread was that she was hurting, to tell her she is just being silly is not supportive at all.

  18. #68
    Platinum Member Sheila's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by maryklinden View Post
    So, he crossdresses?

    At least he's not a golfer.
    My Ex was both ............... double crapper for me then

    comparisions have been made in this thread to her partner not being a rapist, or robber ................ guess what ......... some GG's feel that is exactly what CDers are when we first discover ............... okay maybe you don't do it physically but you sure as hell do it emotionally and mentally to both some of us and the relationship we thought we had .... so yes you rape and rob our security from us .................. we bought into the dream life we thought we were working toward, then wham you rape our inner peace with the knowledge that you are not the person we thought you were (note I said person not man), you raped our security, you robbed our source of comfort and loving caring arms from us by being unable to turn to friend and family for help when we are unsure ............. and right now you are the last damn person in the world we feel like trusting ................ remember we have just found out you lied to us for X amount of years ........... so go ahead compare yourselves to rapists and robbers ................ sometime the comparison is very bloody close to how we feel in the beginning ............. now I am not saying all, and I am not saying that it lasts for ever, but it does feel for some of us when we first find out after not knowing that we have been raped and robbed
    I allow myself to set healthy boundaries ..... to say no to what does not align with my values, to say yes to what does.
    Boundaries assist me to remain healthy, honest and living a life that is true to me

  19. #69
    wanna be GIRLY madison lee's Avatar
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    DD makes a very good point. I know that the persons saying these things are trying in their own way to say its ok to be a Crossdresser, and it is, but saying at least he's/she's not an axe murder is not a reassuring statement. I can assure you that when I told my wife that I was a crossdresser the first words out of her mouth wasn't " Well thank god your not an axe murderer"! I am lucky in that my wife is very open minded and accepting of other lifestyles. Like a lot of CD'ers on here I purged the stuff I had before I got married, thinking the urge and desire would go away. It didnt, to state the obvious. But in the 5 years we have been married I have not bought anything, my wife had a lot of stuff that she didnt wear because it didnt fit her or she was bored with it and it ended up in boxes in the closet. So I had plenty of things to dress up in without having to buy stuff. Still didn't make it right in not telling her. But the point is this. Crossdressing is NOT a bad thing in and of itself. But saying that it doesnt really hurt any one is not a true statement. These people need to read some of the threads I have read about SO's leaving, divorcing, and all of the rest. Now a lot of relationships end not BECAUSE of the CD'ng, but it is a PART of the reason. For some its just the last straw on a stack that is already teetering on the edge. But I would say to listen to what Tamara Croft, DemonicDaughter, Beachmama and those ladies that are offering good advice and not stupid comparisons. From what I have seen and read they are very knowledgeable and understanding and are extremely intelligent. I may not be the brightest crayon in the box, but I do know good advice when I see it or hear it. And they usually have some good advice and insights.
    In the end its all up to you notsurewhattodo on how you want to handle this.

  20. #70
    GG ReineD's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Catherine in Colo View Post
    I'm somewhat new to posting a lot on the boards, but I'm rather disappointed that so many of the posts don't even relate to her situation. They either suggest that crossdressing is some sort of lesser crime (but still a crime), or they present solutions that come from the poster's fantasies about their own situation, having no bearing on Notsurewhattodo's situation. Comments like those make me afraid that she'll leave here with a worse impression of our community than before she posted.
    My thoughts exactly.

    Getting back to the OP and I'm asking subsequent posters to do the same ... honesty is the best policy.

    You clearly are open to the possibilities and this will shine through when you speak to your bf. Your attitude will help allay his fears. Don't know if you've read many threads here yet, but coming out for the first time to a girlfriend is beyond frightening for a CD. It may be difficult for him to talk to you about this, so choosing a time when you are cuddling together might be good. You might want to have some lingerie catalogues handy that you could look through together afterwards and talk about what might look good on you .... and on him.

    Don't push too hard though. It might take him awhile to get out of his shell. But if you continue to be loving and supportive as you are now, eventually your reassurance will draw him out.

    And yes, many TGs look at CD pics (they want to know how to pull it off), or gay porn and it doesn't mean they are gay. It is just another way to play out the fantasy of being femme or wearing femme things.

    Please do come back and let us know how it is going, so we can hopefully continue to address our responses to you!
    Last edited by ReineD; 10-11-2009 at 05:23 PM.
    Reine

  21. #71
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    For the OP... Since you already know he has a fetish for stockings and (apparently) haven't found anything else (skirts, etc), the items are probably used to satisfy his fetish. I've done the same thing - I love the look and feel of stockings and started wearing them to satisfy my own feelings. It grew on me, it may or not with him. The bigger issue is how to bring it up with him. When my then-GF found me out and confronted me, I denied it for hours (actually, probably only 5 minutes, but it felt like forever!). I'm sure he'll do the same - its embarrassing and he won't be able to explain why he likes it. So expect that, and expect him not to feel comfy discussing it with you right away. He'll need some time to process his 'outing' but will come around. When he does come around you'll probably get tired of him wanting to talk about it...

    Anyway, good luck to you both.

  22. #72
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    not sure< you definitely need to talk to him about it. In my experience he may deny it at first but if you are open and honest with himn about how you feel he should come around. From all that I have read, they are afraid to admit it to someone they love for fear of losing them. You might want to give him reassurance that that wont happen and that you are open minded enough to try and accept.

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