Well, this secret I've had for about thirty years isn't secret anymore. Ironically, I wasn't caught dressing - I was caught looking at this forum. More specifically I was replying to a message, and my wife glimpsed the picture over my shoulder as she came into the room quickly. I tried to make excuses, but she was convinced I was having a relationship with another woman. Two years ago, she had caught me looking on some TG websites, some with some BDSM content, and was extremely upset. I lied outright when she asked me if I was a crossdresser (transvestite was the word she used), and I thought I convinced her that I had just been momentarily blinded by aporn overload, and that I would stop immediately, never look at those sites in the house again, etc. I did all that.
But unbeknownst to me, that encounter shook her badly. She started to have trouble functioning at work, needed some anti-depressants, and began to be very suspicious of me at home, particularly around the computers. I felt hunted, and unfairly prosecuted for a pastime that was admittedly, weird, but in the end hurting no one and completely my own business. Well, there was no way I could bluff her again. And damn Windows Vista laptops wont freaking shut down in a second, so even though I grabbed the laptop from her as she reached for it, and closed it, I knew when she demanded I open it that there would be this forum, and me replying to a message. The jig was up.
I broke down and told her about this side of me I've kept buried for thirty years. We've been married for 13 years. I was amazed that she took it so well. That is not say she was thrilled, but she didn't take the kids and run crying out of the house, which was what I was convinced was coming when I caved and told all. We sat and talked for about 45 minutes, but then we had to keep a promise for dinner elsewhere, so we went out. We talked in the car, and we had a calm exchange. She was, overall, relieved that I wasn't seeing anyone else, that I hadn't cheated on her , and in retrospect, everything that had been niggling at her, every contradiction, every little funny circumstance that kept her on edge for the better part of 2 years was suddenly explained. Overall, she took it well. And I love her dearly, and we will get through this. But I'm worried she doesn't understand about the dressing. She knows and understands I'm not gay. She knows I find it exciting and satisfying to dress in womens clothing, and that these urges are a part of me that will never completely go away. BUT, she dpoesn't want to see me dressed at all. She prefers not know if I have a wig or not, or what shoes I wear. She is terrified of me getting beaten up if I venture out of a building dressed. She has cautiously agreed to let me have some hours every so often to dress, but at home. She doesn't want to see my wardrobe, or be a part of it. I tried to explain that I thought it would be better to take advantage of a service we have in Toronto, that offers lockers to cds for a year, and a place to change, and buy shoes, clothe, wigs, etc. It's a little house downtown, and although I'd have to give my name once to rent the locker, thereafter I'd just get a code and come and go as I pleased. I could keep my things out of our house, and just go away and deal with my urges. Besides, I tried to explain to her, being excited at dressing in womens clothes is another way of saying being excited to be dressed as a woman, and a big part of that is feeling that you can pass, or be accepted by SOMEONE in this state, whether its every single person on the street, or only your cd friends who can look past your thick beard. Dressing but staying home for me would be less than ideal, and I'd be uncomfortable with the wardrobe in the house, where I'd see it all the time, and so would she. Remember, she doesn't want details at this point.
Lastly, I t seems she was OK with the idea of crossdressing, because she thought that meant just getting off by wearing articles of womens clothing. What I'm describing, according to her is wanting to superficially BE a woman, wanting to look like that, which she thinks as a totally different thing - she calls that transvestism. For her, it's the difference between a simple fetish, and psychological disease.
Now, since this is so long a post, what I need is advice on how I should handle this - I want to be able to dress occasionally but I want to walk up and down a street, or go shopping, basically not to just dress, but to FEEL like a woman for a short time. Am I wrong? Am I more than just your average cross dresser? I have no fantasies about men at all, if I were going to nail anyone dressed en femme, it would be another GG. Should I be grateful for my wifes understanding, and just play by her rules for a while? or should Idirect her somewhere to learn more? what if she doesn't want to learn more, and the more she learns, the less OK with this she is? I need help. Marina
Originally Posted by Kerigirl2009
, and not going out in conservative, tasteful feminine attire. She was surprised and a little relived to think that I might be trying to pass UN-noticed. I can see her point - I laugh now when I realize she thought I wanted try and pass in a basque and mules at the Mall!
