My wife was venting at me the other day, in her usual condesending way. One of the things she said is that even if people are nice to me to my face, they are laughing at me behind my back. Aside from being hurt by this, I wondered should I even care ? I feel I look pretty good though far from passing. It's funny but I never felt anyone was laughing at me. Is this a big fear of some of us ?
Any fear, big or little, is only there if you let it be!! I have never been concerned whether people are laughing at me, or not. I really don't care!! I lead my life as I see fit, not the way someone else might wnat me to lead it! Yes, I do conform to rules where necessary! But some of those rules I have made myself. I never dress openly around family members, although I am almost always dressed enfemme underneath! My late wife and I decided on that rule before we even had any children. They do know that I crossdress, but don't want to see me that way. So they don't. Otherwise, I dress when I want, or stay in drab if I want. It is my life, not someone elses!
Stephanie
Lady on the outside, but man underneath!
I am sure we get laughed a lot . Ironic--because those vanilla morons would never have the courage to do what we do.
Yes, it is a big fear in some of us. It is for me. I do not ever want to know people are laughing at me. Even if behind my back. Humiliation is not something I would enjoy.
For some that "think" they pass but don't, they may think they are pulling it off when in fact people will notice and most would not say a word. Just laugh, point and joke out of sight and sound of the CD. Sorry, I am one that does care what others think of me. I am not passable in the least other then in a dark night club or other dark night outing.
I don't get the "I don't care what people say and think" attitude. In some ways, I envy it. But it's just not who I am.
So your wife is right sorry to say. You do look good. But my guess is some people in close contact can see through your looks and either know or wonder if yo are a GG or a guy.
Most people will be at least civil to us as they deal with us up front, but there are still way too many that feel we are perverts in their private opinion. Gays are still discriminated against, just not openly, same with blacks. It's really sad that this stuff still goes on. All the 'behind the scenes' problems are the primary reasons I'm still in the closet.
Some causes of crossdressing you've probably never even considered: My TG biography at:http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...=1#post1490560
There's an addendum at post # 82 on that thread, too. It's about a ten minute read.
Why don't we understand our desire to dress, behave and feel like a girl? Because from childhood, boys are told that the worst possible thing we can be, is a sissy. This feeling is so ingrained into our psyche, that we will suppress any thoughts that connect us to being or wanting to be feminine, even to the point of creating separate personalities to assign those female feelings into.
Well, yes, people don't like to be laughed AT. It is demeaning and derisive; many other animals don't like it either: dogs, chimps, some other animals are noticeably bothered by being laughed at.
To be laughed at behind your back is especially cruel and--I would add--cowardly.
It is easy to tell you not to let it bother you, but when the news is delivered by your SO and delivered with condescension, it is especially hurtful.
That kind of laughter is often born of fear and ignorance. Throw in a little stupidity and you have the recipe for a back biter/back laugher. They really aren't worth the time of day--that doesn't usually ease all the hurt.
Take heart. You're fine. They are the idiots. Remember the old philosophical saw: if a tree falls in the forest and there's no one there to hear it, does it make a sound? if an idiot laughs at you behind your back and you're not there to hear it, does it make a sound?
I say, "puhtooey!"
warmly, Linnea
Your wife is saying that to hurt you of course but it takes two to hurt you. The person that is saying the bad stuff and you for letting it get to ya. Just don't allow yourself to take it to heart.
Even if people DO laugh just think of it this way.....At least your making them laugh and more happy then before they saw you eh? That's the way I see it.
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC].....................100% Authentic Canadian Cross-dressing Truckdriver!!!!!!!!!
(((((((((((((((((((("I LOVE BEING A CROSSDRESSER")))))))))))))))))))
Link to My 20th high school reunion http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...d.php?t=112976
If you don't like my (honesty) well TFB.
Men are just a single celled orgasm , In a petri dish held by a woman. (Gene Simmons)
Originally Posted by kimberly ann487
Condescending?
She speaks down to you as your superior, and helps you with your life, but does so as if she's doing you something of a special, not particularly earned favor, from her - your loving, caring, supportive wife?
Was she, I wonder, asleep during the wedding vows?
My former wife would sometimes say silly things like this and I'd say:
"Yes, I'm sure some people do say things like that - about both of us."
I'd even agree with her that it must be difficult for her, being with a fellow like me, because for some reason she HAD to settle with someone with such awful defects.
By this time, it had occurred to her that they were attacking, me, her husband, and HER - questioning her judgement, her intelligence, her general appeal, and so forth.
"There's nothing wrong with you!" she'd say. "And, there's nothing wrong with me!" "What we do is our business; how dare they say anything about either one of us!"
Then she'd spend a bit of time talking about their shortcomings - and how they couldn't hold a candle to either one of us, much less both of us.
Meanwhile, I'd done my job, putting her back on track with her life and our life. Which, if you think about it, is the sort of thing husbands and wives are careful to do in good marriages. That, a lot of times, is what makes 'em good.
Friends? I don't think these folks are friends to anyone but people like themselves.
Which... is fine with me.
My only fear would be to be like them - and not know it.
Some wives are not only concerned about others laughing at you..they are concerned that others are laughing at her being the SO of you. AND NEITHER ONE MATTERS. Life is a one way street..you can't back up and drive it again!
Last edited by Rogina B; 07-21-2010 at 10:28 PM. Reason: typo
I've heard the laughing. Don't care. Hey, I made someone's day happier, right!?
Doesn't do any good to worry about such things. Won't change their reaction none at all any.
DonnaT
I could not agree more. People are usually set pretty deep in their ways and beliefs. I have always felt that if someone does not like me then to heck with them.
OMG! Your wife actually said that to you?! What a horrible and hurtful thing to say to the person you are supposed to be in love with!
Even if she meant what she said she could have said it in a more tactful and less blunt way. You said yourself what she said was hurtful. Sounds like she's either bitter and twisted about something or she hates crossdressing
.
The River City Gems - Northern California's largest and most active crossdressing & transgender support group!
Many do have that as a fear and it keeps them locked in the closet. I wouldn't care if someone laughed at me behind my back. I would only care if someone close to us laughed and didn't tell us.
Michelle
For most it would be quilt by association , like me..I am a coward when it comes to what others may think and I know better ..From being on here I have learned if it's something you love or enjoy doing who cares what anyone else thinks..I just can't get past the who cares part..
I do not!! Claim to be an expert on any topic, when I post a new thread or reply on any thread my imput is strickly that of a crossdresser. Not to offend Gay people , Transexuals or any other life style, I am only commenting on one of my own.
I'm amazed by that view, I honestly can't see myself being that strong, I'm terrified that people will look down on me or attack me or something, I really don't know how most people would handle seeing me in women's clothing. so in public I avoid it hoping to gain everyone's approval.
Hey hey hey! I like my closet! It has all my favorite things in it! I don't consider myself locked in. I'm quite comfortable being dressed up at home. They really are only clothes, and when I go out, I'm focused on an activity, not what I'm wearing. Besides, my arthritis has gotten so, that the pain overrides any focus on clothing when I'm out and about.Many do have that as a fear and it keeps them locked in the closet.
Some causes of crossdressing you've probably never even considered: My TG biography at:http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...=1#post1490560
There's an addendum at post # 82 on that thread, too. It's about a ten minute read.
Why don't we understand our desire to dress, behave and feel like a girl? Because from childhood, boys are told that the worst possible thing we can be, is a sissy. This feeling is so ingrained into our psyche, that we will suppress any thoughts that connect us to being or wanting to be feminine, even to the point of creating separate personalities to assign those female feelings into.
First I want to say that I'm very supportive of my SO's CDing. We go out together dressed, there are no rules, no times when she can or cannot dress in my presence. Anything goes, in and out of the bedroom, at any time.
Now the parallel story: I recently said something similar to my SO as your wife and as soon as the words came out of my mouth, I wished I could have taken them back because I saw how they had hurt my SO. In our case, it was about a big, bright yellow shirt that he wears in guy mode. It has seen many washes and it is faded in places. He told me recently that he received a compliment from a woman in a store about the shirt. This is when I said that sometimes women will say something positive to your face, when they mean quite another. I've seen this happen many times. I just thought that this woman had noticed the shirt because it is not in the best of shape and it is also not a color that is seen on men very often, and in an attempt to say something (possibly to mask a reaction she had when she saw the shirt), she came out with a compliment. My SO thought that she said something because she really liked the shirt. Neither one of us will ever know what the woman really thought. But my point is that I did not give my opinion in order to hurt my SO. It just came out because it didn't make sense to me that a strange woman in a store would compliment my SO on an old and faded baggy shirt.
As to my opinion about strangers clocking us when we are out dressed, it's hard to know what they think privately. But I do know that most people outside of GLBT circles look upon transgenders as being unusual. Which is not surprising, since TGs aren't out in droves and when people who don't know other transgenders notice us for the first time, they stare. And it's impossible to know whether they disapprove or if they are just curious.
But all the SAs and restaurant personnel are always polite. Also, many people who are in the places we frequent don't notice at all. These are the people who are preoccupied with their own lives and they don't really notice anyone else milling about. Some people stare at us, but when I meet their gazes and smile, they smile back then go on with their business, or they look away. On a few occasions I've seen people whispering and smirking. This used to bother me to no end, but then I developed a tougher skin.
When people react to my SO, it is as if they are reacting towards me as well. In other words, I take on the same bias because of my association with my SO. I feel as if we are seen in the same light. So maybe your wife said what she said in attempt to protect you, or possibly to protect the both of you.
It's not easy to learn to go out in public for a TG. It takes some TGs years to get the courage to do so, precisely because of fear of how people will take it. Well, wives feel exactly the same way and they are just as sensitive to stares and smirks as the TGs are. The difference is that TGs do gain a personal benefit from being out dressed which more than compensates for people's stares or negative reactions, while the SOs don't gain the personal benefit at all, other than knowing that being out dressed is making their husbands happy. This is a benefit, don't get me wrong, but it is not to the same degree as the TG's benefit. If that makes sense.
Sorry for the long post.
Last edited by ReineD; 07-22-2010 at 02:41 AM. Reason: grammar
Reine
The only thing I would be concerned about is having an SO that would intentionally "hurt" me. Even worse, having no empathy or emotional connection to the behavior.
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent".
--Eleanor Roosevelt
"Small minds talk about other people, great minds talk about ideas."
The only time I care about what others think of me is business related only. Clients do business with people they like.
As a rule, I do not focus on negative things. I cannot control what other people do or say, I can control how I react to them.
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
people who laugh at you behind your back arnt your real friends, it takes a real friend to laugh at you in your face!
anyway I had the same mentality just the other day, do I really care on what other people think? But because Im a businessman I have too, which is one reason I cant do whatever the hell I want!
People are going to talk and laugh no matter what you do. If not about you then someone or something else. It's human nature. The thing is you can never please everyone, that is an impossible mission.
Second star to the right and straight on till morning
To Hell with them all! The only person that you need to please is yourself. I really don't give a hoot what a small percentage of narrow minded idealistic twits think about me, I'm not breaking any laws or hurting anyone.
People will talk about people no matter what! I think dressing makes it more of an sensitive issue however for the most everyone and I mean everyone in any of our circles have them talking about one anther.
People talk about me behind my back and for the most part I know who they are.
To hell with his wife too?
He's married; he automatically has more than one person to consider.
We all do, actually.
I care what a small percentage of narrow-minded idealist twits think about me because even narrow-minded idealist twits (whatever those are) can outnumber me at any job, in any bar parking lot, at any civic club meeting, one-to-many, and I am very aware that laws can be changed and hurt can be applied to anyone of any color, gender, IQ, height, etc. at any time.
This can happen in all kinds of ways, not the least uncommon is picking out some person or group as "the cause for all the world's problems" and encouraging the hunting down, ferreting out, prosecuting and eliminating "such persons or groups" by "any or all methods NECESSARY."
The OP describes his wife behaving in her "usual condescending way." If he wants to be a frog in a warming pot, he's welcome to stay there until it gets too hot - and then jump out.
Perhaps it will be a lesson he needs to learn - and her too. She, after all that, will probably be worse off without him, for she seems too willing to injure herself to spite him...
My suggestion was to offer to her that a house divided cannot stand - and to see if she reacts to the real threat to her happiness.
Ol' Jean Paul wasn't far wrong; hell CAN be other people.
Fortunately, they CAN be heaven too...
Unfortunately the people we are closest to are the ones that can hurt us the easiest. I believe your wife just chose this jab because she knew this would hurt you. It probably has more to do with her than other people.
When the person who is supposed to support you doesn't, it can feel like the world is against you. Don't buy into her crap. You are beautiful.
Happiness requires freedom. Freedom requires courage
I get laughed at or talked about when I'm not dressed....The reality of it is people are gonna talk...They're gonna talk if you're doing bad and they're gonna talk if you're doing good....For me, as long as they show me respect in my face, I'm okay. if they are not man or woman enough to say it my face, I really don't care what they think or say behind my back....
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