Child Custody and Crossdressing

[trisha11]

Dear Forum,
Me and my ex-wife have been divorced now for 3 years. Crossdressing and all the aspects that go along with the crossdressing played a huge role in us getting divorced. She did not understand it, nor did she want to understand it. We have a young child together, he was 3 at the time and just turned 7. We have 65 to 35 parenting time arrangement. I let her use my crossdressing against me the first time around because I was ashamed of it and did not want anyone else to know my secret that I had been hiding my entire life. Well over the last 3 years I have learned and dealt with my crossdressing and have decided that it really is not what I made it out to be. I have a supporting GF now, I have told friends and they have reacted very positively. I guess I am more comfortable now then I was then. This site and all you gurls have helped as well. I recently made a decision to go back to the Friend of the Court and try to get more parenting time with my son. When my ex-wife was notified she immediately threatened to use my crossdressing against me again. Like I said above I am not going to let her use that against me or scare me away from doing the right thing.

Have any of you gurls been in a similiar situation? If so how did it come out? How did you handle it? I would love to hear from all of you.

trisha simone

[boardpuppy]

Hi Trisha,
By the way, I like your name I have a neice so named. All my good support feeling are coming your way. I'm not in the same boat with kids but mybe if I have to raise any more grands. The question is very interesting....

Alice

[Megan Thomas]

Can you gather evidence of her actions? I'm sure any court would take a dim view of such coercion. Aside from that, call her bluff. People who bully and blackmail in this way are quickly wrong-footed when the tables are turned.

[Valerie1973]

Well, I'm not there yet, but I'll be there soon. She decided that cding is disgusting and wants no part of it. However, can you be declared or documented a crossdresser? I'm going to fight for 50/50 custody. She makes more money than me. My kids are 9 and 7.

There are no laws that can declare cding wrong here in my state anyway. You'll have to prove to the judge that cding does not interfere with your parenting capabilities and you every wright to have physical joint custody. Get a good lawyer Trisha. You might need a letter from a therapist or a therapist to take a stand. Now, now I don't want to be the blind leading the blind.
I'm sure there is someone here that has a better idea. Good Luck, Valerie

[Rianna Humble]

Have you considered contacting the Transgender Law and Policy Institute? If you let them know what state you live in, they will be able to advise you about the law in your area and may be able to recommend a lawyer.

[Tina B.]

Not sure how she tried to use it against you, but many Long years ago, my ex hit me with it during the court hearing in front of the judge, I then had to answer the judges questions, and explain to my Lawyer why I hadn't warned him. My kids where 1 & 2 years old. She didn't want me to see the kids with out her being there, for short visits. All the judge seemed to care about, was did I have some one to help me with babies, back then no one thought a man could do it. I had family all around me, so that was not a problem. The judge ended up giving me a better visitation than even my Lawyer thought we could ask for. And the judges final word on it was, I gave you this time to be with your kids and for them to be with you, don't let me here you are not using it, I would hope they have become even smarter about those things now.
Tina B.

[eluuzion]

hiya trisha,

I am not being vindictive or disrespectful with what follows. I am simply stating facts.

Eighteen years ago I was having dinner with a buddy and he introduced me to a woman friend that happened to be dining at the same restaurant.

Within three weeks we were spending a week vacation together at my condo in Florida. Two months later (and lots of only "safe" sex) she informed me she was pregnant and did not believe in abortions. (She already had a six-year old daughter)...go figure. Three months later we were married. Four more months and I was a father. Two months later she was on her second extra-marital affair, driving the new car I bought her and shopping with the gold cards I gave her after repairing her credit. Two years and two more boyfriends after that...I divorced her. (That was the final stage of her plan... "Gold-digging 101"

It took three years from the day I met her to go from stability & a six-figure income to being unemployed, bankrupt, and paying $1600/month child support as a "shared custody" divorced father. Oh, and over $100K, two cars, a house etc. etc.

I had our two-year old daughter Fri-Mon of every single week. I made the decision to stay here in a place where I was virtually unemployable (due to my former high profile position and notoriety in the local business community.)...to be a father to my daughter.

I fired my attorney and battled her attorney pro-se’. Long story short...I watched my daughter graduate from high school last week...as a happy and well adjusted woman with few, if any emotional scars from the shenanigans of an irresponsible and promiscuous “mother”. As far as my daughter goes...she never once heard me utter anything but praise and respect for her “mother“.

I did not have any CD issues to deal with during our marriage since I completely abstained the entire time. But I can tell you that it is possible to be the parent that your child needs you to be...regardless of the challenges that you might face. Never give up on any child...and certainly never give up your right to be a father to your own child. They need you.

If I had to suggest one tool that helped me more than any other...it would be this “manual”. It is two inches thick and every page is valuable. Legal, emotional, forms, strategy, etc. The best $100 I have ever spent in my life...

"Win Your Child Custody War"
http://users.livingston.net/~divorce/
(All of the other books/forms/worksheets listed on the same page are also excellent resources.)

This is also a good resource...
"Joint Custody with A Jerk"
http://singleparentsnetwork.com/Arti...tailed/42.html

If you need any further support or resource information...feel free to send me a PM...

Good Luck...

[VioletJourney]

Let her speak. The judges will probably find that living with someone who has major problems with your lifestyle is not a healthy environment for the kids.

[kendra_gurl]

trisha:

I've been married 42 years never thought about divorce and stuck it out thru the hard time so I have no advice for you at all. Reading eluuzion's post it seems she had a very good reason to take the steps she did with her child and I applaud her for that. As an outsider looking in and not knowing anything else about you or your ex (was she a bad parent or mother)I would just question why you feel the need to change your agreement now? Its good that you have a support group and that you are accepting yourself more than you did 3 years ago.

But what has changed?

What will you tell a judge to convince him/her there is a need to change custody from 65/35 to 50/50?

Is this what you really want or it it something your support group has as their agenda?

When your son is with you will he still be able to go to the same school everyday without disrupting his day?

Is 26 hours more per week or 5 more day a month to be with your son, especially if he is sleeping over for some of those hours, worth making him the object of you and your ex wifes battle?

How will the actual change in amount of time you get with your son be delegated?


Again I know nothing about child custody and I am certainly not trying to make any judgments of you or your ex its just that reading your post made these 6 questions pop into my head right off. There are bound to be a lot more questions others could think of so I think you should be at least aware of how some may have those same questions.


I hope the very best for you and your son I really do. In a perfect world when we make a mistake in a relationship things work out as close to 50/50 as can be. Whats best for and disrupts the child should always be the top priority for both of you and your desire to crossdress should not be a part of that decision as long as it does not affect your son in anyway. I would venture to say that you ex will try to make it appear to have an effect on him so just be prepared to address that if you continue to seek a change .

Again I wish you all the best as for your situation. I hope me playing the Devils Advocate can help prepare you

[Momarie]

Put aside the crossdressing for a minute...

What is best for your child?

Is he comfortable and secure in the present arrangement?
Would HE benefit from a change at this time?

I'm sure the divorce was hard for him...would going through more court procedures and being exposed to the emotional upset of his parents be worth an extra 15%?

Would the the money spent on attorneys be better invested in his future education?

You're right of course, a judge isn't going to care about the crossdressing.
Couldn't you and your ex-wife negotiate a little extra time for him to be with you without involving the courts?

[Wendy_Marie]

I have been working for the Childrens Foundation transporting Foster Children and Troubled Youths for the last couple of years now and in my home state of Missouri.
I can tell you this.....Unless there is evidence that placing them in your home puts them at a high risk for physical, mental or sexual abuse... directly related to your Gender Identity...the courts will be hard pressed to even consider your crossdressing as an issue.
I transport kids all over the state and many of these homes are owned and ran by Gay and Lesbian couples...The fact is that so long as the home environment is safe and doesn't cause the child harm...courts are more lenient and open to alternative lifestyles than many give them credit for...its just a matter of how willing you are to make your lifestyle part of the Public Record....Get a good lawyer and get some time back with your child.

[Becca13]

Just went through a divorce...all the "experts" (judges, counselors, clergy, child welfare, teachers etc) have decided that 50/50 shared custody is best for the kids...even the custody investigator that she made me pay for said 50/50 is best. Unless a parent relinquishes any part of custody the judge will/did go with 50/50.

My judge even has a favorite line when parents argue custody..."I wish I had the power of King Salomon, I'd tell you to cut the kids in half, but I dont, so shared custody."

BTW if the ex had brought up my "hobby", and if I was asked under oath if I wore women's clothes, I was prepared to tell the truth..."No, I wear MY clothes"

Cheers

Becca

[trisha11]

Alice,
Thanks for the wonderful words and support, i love my gurly name as well. I will keep you updated as I know more.

Hi Trisha,
By the way, I like your name I have a neice so named. All my good support feeling are coming your way. I'm not in the same boat with kids but mybe if I have to raise any more grands. The question is very interesting....

Alice

Megan,
I am planning on calling her bluff, and I have decided that I am not going to let her hold this over my head any longer.

Can you gather evidence of her actions? I'm sure any court would take a dim view of such coercion. Aside from that, call her bluff. People who bully and blackmail in this way are quickly wrong-footed when the tables are turned.

Valerie,
Good luck as well, stay true to yourself and your kids and dont make the same mistake as I did, fight fight fight now it is so much easier than later. I know that sounds crazy but believe me its the truth.

Well, I'm not there yet, but I'll be there soon. She decided that cding is disgusting and wants no part of it. However, can you be declared or documented a crossdresser? I'm going to fight for 50/50 custody. She makes more money than me. My kids are 9 and 7.

There are no laws that can declare cding wrong here in my state anyway. You'll have to prove to the judge that cding does not interfere with your parenting capabilities and you every wright to have physical joint custody. Get a good lawyer Trisha. You might need a letter from a therapist or a therapist to take a stand. Now, now I don't want to be the blind leading the blind.
I'm sure there is someone here that has a better idea. Good Luck, Valerie

[trisha11]

Tina,
I am glad to hear that it worked out for you and your kids, I am hoping that over time they have become even more progressive.

Not sure how she tried to use it against you, but many Long years ago, my ex hit me with it during the court hearing in front of the judge, I then had to answer the judges questions, and explain to my Lawyer why I hadn't warned him. My kids where 1 & 2 years old. She didn't want me to see the kids with out her being there, for short visits. All the judge seemed to care about, was did I have some one to help me with babies, back then no one thought a man could do it. I had family all around me, so that was not a problem. The judge ended up giving me a better visitation than even my Lawyer thought we could ask for. And the judges final word on it was, I gave you this time to be with your kids and for them to be with you, don't let me here you are not using it, I would hope they have become even smarter about those things now.
Tina B.

Violet,
Thank you, I sure hope your right.

Let her speak. The judges will probably find that living with someone who has major problems with your lifestyle is not a healthy environment for the kids.

Kendra,
I originally agreed to the current arrangement with the hope that over time things would change and that we could agree on more time, that has not happened.

I will try to convince the judge that things have changed over the last 3 years most importantly my son is now older and wants to know why he doesnt have 50/50 time with his dad like his friends in school.

This is something that I really want, have always wanted.

I commute him to the same school each morning and each afternoon.

Yes it is worth it in my opinion, i should have fought from the start.

I am asking for week on and week off

thanks for your support and for all the questions lol

trisha:

I've been married 42 years never thought about divorce and stuck it out thru the hard time so I have no advice for you at all. Reading eluuzion's post it seems she had a very good reason to take the steps she did with her child and I applaud her for that. As an outsider looking in and not knowing anything else about you or your ex (was she a bad parent or mother)I would just question why you feel the need to change your agreement now? Its good that you have a support group and that you are accepting yourself more than you did 3 years ago.

But what has changed?

What will you tell a judge to convince him/her there is a need to change custody from 65/35 to 50/50?

Is this what you really want or it it something your support group has as their agenda?

When your son is with you will he still be able to go to the same school everyday without disrupting his day?

Is 26 hours more per week or 5 more day a month to be with your son, especially if he is sleeping over for some of those hours, worth making him the object of you and your ex wifes battle?

How will the actual change in amount of time you get with your son be delegated?


Again I know nothing about child custody and I am certainly not trying to make any judgments of you or your ex its just that reading your post made these 6 questions pop into my head right off. There are bound to be a lot more questions others could think of so I think you should be at least aware of how some may have those same questions.


I hope the very best for you and your son I really do. In a perfect world when we make a mistake in a relationship things work out as close to 50/50 as can be. Whats best for and disrupts the child should always be the top priority for both of you and your desire to crossdress should not be a part of that decision as long as it does not affect your son in anyway. I would venture to say that you ex will try to make it appear to have an effect on him so just be prepared to address that if you continue to seek a change .

Again I wish you all the best as for your situation. I hope me playing the Devils Advocate can help prepare you

[trisha11]

More time with my son is worth all the money in the world, and believe me I have tried over and over again with my ex to get more time with him. She has refused and I feel like I have no other choice but to pursue it in this manner. I sure hope the judge and the friend of the court see it in my favor.

Put aside the crossdressing for a minute...

What is best for your child?

Is he comfortable and secure in the present arrangement?
Would HE benefit from a change at this time?

I'm sure the divorce was hard for him...would going through more court procedures and being exposed to the emotional upset of his parents be worth an extra 15%?

Would the the money spent on attorneys be better invested in his future education?

You're right of course, a judge isn't going to care about the crossdressing.
Couldn't you and your ex-wife negotiate a little extra time for him to be with you without involving the courts?

Wendy,
That is great news, that is what i am hoping for. Me and my gf have a great home, she has a daughter, we both care and love for our kids very much. I am hoping that the judge see's that and see's how much i love my son, as trisha or not

I have been working for the Childrens Foundation transporting Foster Children and Troubled Youths for the last couple of years now and in my home state of Missouri.
I can tell you this.....Unless there is evidence that placing them in your home puts them at a high risk for physical, mental or sexual abuse... directly related to your Gender Identity...the courts will be hard pressed to even consider your crossdressing as an issue.
I transport kids all over the state and many of these homes are owned and ran by Gay and Lesbian couples...The fact is that so long as the home environment is safe and doesn't cause the child harm...courts are more lenient and open to alternative lifestyles than many give them credit for...its just a matter of how willing you are to make your lifestyle part of the Public Record....Get a good lawyer and get some time back with your child.

Becca,
That is great to hear, I am so glad that it worked out well with you and your kids. It is great to hear that their are judges out their that believe as we do that 50/50 is the best for our children. I will remember your quote and I plan on telling the truth no matter what the questions are.

Just went through a divorce...all the "experts" (judges, counselors, clergy, child welfare, teachers etc) have decided that 50/50 shared custody is best for the kids...even the custody investigator that she made me pay for said 50/50 is best. Unless a parent relinquishes any part of custody the judge will/did go with 50/50.

My judge even has a favorite line when parents argue custody..."I wish I had the power of King Salomon, I'd tell you to cut the kids in half, but I dont, so shared custody."

BTW if the ex had brought up my "hobby", and if I was asked under oath if I wore women's clothes, I was prepared to tell the truth..."No, I wear MY clothes"

Cheers

Becca

[JustAlex]

Unfortunately, CDing is not well accepted in conservative environments and the courts are mostly conservative. However, you have an advantage now, because she never used that before. I think, if the issue is raised, your approach should be to question her for considering your CDing detrimental to your son and not raising the issue before. It will show that she's using it just to get the court's sympathy.
But you'd better get legal advice from a professional. In this case, get a woman.

[Joanagreenleaf]

Bashing a spouse in open court is bad form - most of the time. The court would rather see two adults discussing what's best for the child.

Much of what will happen depends on the court, and the judge sitting. Meanwhile, the legal community is aware of the law, and the social mores of the community, and, current science... All things considered, I'd probably have to stand there and say:

"She said she loved me when we got married - yet here we are. Now she says I'm a terrible person. Can we really go by what she says? First, I'm great - then I'm lousy. In any case, I think it's in the best interests of the child to have a positive, supportive upbringing. Who's with me on that?"

Crossdressers, like all people, vary in knowledge and skills. If gay people, the mentally retarded, unwed mothers, and, wolves can raise children, what's the big deal about crossdressers raising kids anyway?

Would it matter if they were a mentally retarded gay unwed crossdressing mother wolf?

Probably not to a really hungry kid.

[Ediosa]

Trish,
I will tell you my thought first. If you live in a state that is mostly conservative, then you might be screwed. The southern states are the worst and don't understand our type of hobby.

Now for my story.

I also have a son and he is currently 9 years old. The funny thing is that he is with me. I basically have physical custody and overall decisions are made by me. When we first separated, he was with his mother. I gave her over a year to get herself situated with a job and to support her, because I was paying for everything, including the mortgage of the house she was in and all utilities. I even gave her extra money a month to make sure that she was taking care of my son. Well, when the year finished, she still didn't get a job, therefore, I kicked her out of the house by coming close to foreclosurer. She didn't believe it until the house got a letter stating that it was in the process. She moved out with my son and then I short sale the house. Eventually, she was unable to afford going to the work, paying her apartment and also paying for daycare for our son. Funny thing was that I was the one paying for daycare and his food. She asked for more money and I said no. Understand that I left my job that made me able to pay for all her stuff, therefore, I couldn't afford to help her out more. The one thing I recommended to her was I take custody and take him with me. She refused but recanted because she just couldn't do it.

Now, when we went to court, she threaten to tell about my CDing. I quickly removed that bullet, by telling all my family and most of my friends. Therefore, it would not affect or hurt me. Therefore, she lost that bullet. What the court cared about was who was going to take care of the child better, who was more responsible and who was going to raise the kids better. Since, I was the one taking care of him, supporting him and doing everything with him, I won out on physical custody. I also have a lot of BS stuff on my ex, which would've caused her to lose some of her part. Therefore, my advice is remove any bullets that she will have on your head. Get any paperwork that will prove that your a good father and vice a versa for her, if she's a problem. Other than that, CDing was not an issue on court.

Elizabeth

[Tara D. Rose]

Well trisha, I can relate all to well what you have been going though. If you continue to give in and be at her mercy, this time as well as other times, then the results will go in her favor like they have done so in the past. I say enough is enough, let her say what she wants, stand tall in the face of so much mis understandings about girls or cd's ts's etc, like us. I was threatened by my second wife, and I gave in to so many demands, and regreatfully so.My current wife had threatened me too. But I say do it, and let the chips fall where they may. No one should have to give into blackmail. It's like give us Liberty or give us death. I cannot live live while being bound by blackmail, and I'm sure it's so tough for you as well. I'm not sure what family court laws are when it pertains to a cd? Oh yes, there would be the usual steriotypical opinions, but I don't think there is a law against it, not any that would make you an unfit parent, you may be embarrased on the witness stand and all, but that comes from all the people in the court room being so programmed by mainstream media to categorize us all as freaks and perverts, etc. You decide who you are going to be. Stand tall in your decisions and make yourself proud. You may suffer embarassment, but you'll have you dignity on the other side when the smoke clears.............Tara

[Wendy_Marie]

One more thing that I might add...If you aren't already seeing a Therapist..then consider doing so...this shows the courts that you are on the right track and taking steps towards addressing your internal issues. not necessarily to try and cure yourself of them, but understand them and have a handle on them. Ask the therapist once they are done with your initial evaluation period...Probably 4-6 sessions....if they will then write you a letter stating that in their professional opinion you do not pose any threat to the health, safety and welfare of your children. With that bit of documented evidence in hand even the more conservative courts are going to listen.

[docrobbysherry]

You've read it all, now FORGET it! NONE of the posts was written by an expert, experienced divorce attorney! And, I'm not one either!

You've never once mentioned, "My attorney's advice is to----". And, that's what u need rite now! A really good attorney! To give u SOLID LEGAL ADVICE that applies to YOU and YOUR local court in YOUR state!

I've been divorced, but that was a comparatively simple 8 year process! Because I had a good, experienced attorney and custody of our child was NOT an issue. However, I've been in court on other matters enuff to know they often have very little to with what's fair or equitable! Or even what's legal, for that matter!

Just ONE wrong word or look can prejudice a judge against u!

Seriously, don't wait another minute or waste any more thots about what to say to your SO or a judge! Get the best attorney u can find and tell him or her everything! THEN, you'll know what to expect and what to do.

And, you'll feel MUCH BETTER! I promise!

[Daintre]

Unless you have gone through a divorce ....you have nothing to add to this thread. Judges in different areas will rule differently. When you are going through a divorce you need to know what the opposition wants and what they are willing to do to get it. I went through a divorce....it was not pretty but I came through it with my self esteem intact. It took several years to get custody of my son.....I am so glad I took the time to fight for him. We are a small family now....getting to know the nieces and nephews that are here.

[Joanagreenleaf]

The "get an attorney" advice is good, now good luck finding a "good" attorney.

No matter how it goes in court, you will theoretically always have a "second bite" at the apple coming.

So, you can win by being persistent, and, manipulative, but it's expensive...

Winning by being smart, and conducting yourself well, works too - and can save a ton of time and money.

As for offering advice ONLY if you've been divorced.... That might be like ONLY taking driving lessons from someone who has totaled a car.

[JanetHarper]

Speaking from experience (I got divorced last year). The courts don't really care about crossdressing, I just maintained an open and honest manner and although she tried to raise it the court ignored it - my opinion is that it made her look petty and vindictive (however it's just possible I could be biased). Along with other factors taken into account I got the older two kids 100%, the younger two 50/50, the house and 1/3 of the legal bill.

On the down side I hardly get any time for dressing up properly these days, what little me time I get I spend on the course trying to keep my handicap down. Still no 1 son is off to college soon, that'll cut the housework by 95%

[Rianna Humble]

Unless you have gone through a divorce ....you have nothing to add to this thread.

That is rather an extreme statement. Could you explain why my post which said

Have you considered contacting the Transgender Law and Policy Institute? If you let them know what state you live in, they will be able to advise you about the law in your area and may be able to recommend a lawyer.

has no value simply because I have never been divorced? Should I have asked another member who has been divorced to post the same words to give them some kind of magical validity?