You might have better results if you explain to her that you are the same person that you always were, since childhood. Except that now she knows something about you that you have chosen to not disclose to the world because of bias against the CDing. But fundamentally, nothing about you has changed since she met you ... not your personality, not your preferences, not your desire to express who you are.Originally Posted by Lynnmorgan451
Reine
What I've done, when my wife had qualms about this, was point out to her how different I am from my brothers and from other husbands she hears complaints about. She knows how they are, and how I am, so the comparison can be used to hint that maybe I am the way I am, as a husband, because of my being transgender.
Note that she has no qualms equating transgender with being a crossdresser.
Whether it is true or not, who really knows. So she then finds it easier to accept.
DonnaT
How can you do something intentionally to hurt someone if you did it before you knew them? Kinda like having a cat before a relationship and then your SO thinks you did it to hurt them because they're not a cat person. For me my SO was accepting but I never dressed in front of her completely. To do so would be a huge shock. I dressed a little here and there first. A top,then some jeans, a skirt and so on until she got use to it. It also helped me to adjust to being seen by her.
Personally, I would tell her that your CDing has nothing to do with her and everything about to do with you. It's about personal feelings and the need to express them outwardly. Many woman believe that it's a failing on their part, but of course it's not. Unfortunately people in general are very accepting of things like being gay or CDing, but then are very different when it happens to them. It's what I call the "not in my backyard" condition. People always want clean energy but when they want to install windmills in the neighborhood they suddenly hate the idea. Talk to her, find out what the real reason is she objects, most likely it's because of some irrational social reason. Perhaps she worried of what others will think of her if they find out about you. Also think about the real reason you dress. Reeeeaaallly think about it. If all else fails then do the "naked time" thing. For example, little kids go through a period where they want to be naked all the time. Of course they can't but you set aside time so that can fulfill that need and then they learn appropriate timing and then they grow out of it. Of course you won't grow out of it but it helps.
Hope this helps some.
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Excellent question, excellent thread. Does crossdressing make you a better guy? I'd say no. Does crossdressing make you a worse guy? Again, I'd say no. Does accepting and enjoying the feminine side of one's nature make you a more balanced and "cooler" human being .. well yes, of course
It's complicated, then again it's simple ... where did I put that skirt?
You ask: What part is better because of CDing?
The sexual part of me. I guess I am in the minority, but it has given me an in-touch feeling with a sexual experimentation that I didn't know I wanted. Now it has helped me with my wife, but also allowed me to explore this aspect of attraction. I'm not sure I am "bi" yet, but I know I am interested in finding out, and CDing is allowing me to do so. Make sense?
I really appreciate your responses, ladies. I have tried warming her up to the idea but it doesn't work. The occasional bra under my shirt to bed, panties and what not. She literally tells me she is repulsed by me when I do it. She withholds affection and talks down to me calls me a fag sometimes. It's probably what you said about social implications if anyone she knew found out about it she would be embarrassed. It's been really hard lately and the one thing you said about really thinking about why I dress?? Well I've put a ton of thought into it. Why is it important? Why would I jeopardize my relationship just to wear lady clothes and makeup? Why is it SOOOO depressing to not express myself this way? It seems so stupid but I can't shake it! I feel right. I feel real. I should've been a girl and its like everything I've done, have a family, work labor intensive jobs, weightlifting, etc were all things I have done in the shadow of trying to hide from this truth; I AM this repulsive sexless creature. And she deserves whatever she wants, happiness. Which is something that my CDing is keeping her from. I wish, hope and pray that she accepts me someday because I truly love her but she deserves to be happy on her terms and I'm not sure I'm capable of being what she needs from a "man" :-(
I am different than most guys but it's not because of my CDing. Does that difference make me better. No. Just different.
I'm with ReineD. Positive personality traits are not connected to being female or a crossdresser. The Men I respect most are the ones who do display empathy and compassion but all the ones I think of are/were not the least bit feminine.
With that said I do wonder what I would be like if I didn't instinctively suppress my inclinations that seem related to my crossdressing. Would I personally be a better person for it... who knows.
Lynn,
No one deserves to be belittle and verbally abused. I'm sure you feel guilty but you should not believe that you have done anything to deserve that. I'm not sure if she is just angry and initially shocked but for the sake of the relationship SHE needs to get past her own anger.
As for her being happy. That's not in your power and not your responsibility. You can and should try to help her be happy and in turn she should make allowances for you to be you. Its called a relationship. In the end she must make the choices and adopt a mindset that will make her happy.
CDing is not something everyone can accept. But it is her own inability to accept it that is making her unhappy.
I'm not trying to give you relationship advice but I wanted to tell you that you arent an awful person ruining her life because you try to look like a girl.
Thanks Brynna. We have a lot to work out and indeed we have a sordid past on top of the whole CD TS bombshell I've dropped on her. She has reason to be angry but I agree with you when you say nobody deserves to be verbally or mentally abused. I know she loves me and I think her aggression towards me is her trying to shake the problem out of me, a hypothetical slap in the face to snap me out of a trance or something. It would've been easier on her also had I thought to find resources like this website prior to coming out. So many of the girls on here have brilliant methods for slowly explaining themselves to their SOs and all I did was tell her that I'm really a woman inside. She even told me that had I just said I like to dress for fun or for sexual purposes that it would've been a lot easier to take. Hind sight is 20/20 though and I'm just thankful she didn't just leave me when I told her. That gives me hope. I know she is willing to deal with me at least on some level and I'm pretty tough when it comes to insults. I can take it (with mascara running down my face from crying) I can take it...
Hello Everyone
After reading this thread and responses my thoughts are...If I love myself for who I am then I can love others for who they are. That would include my wife. Sometimes I wonder if they(non tolerating wives) have trouble feeling this good about themselves which would answer the reason why they have trouble tolerating and accepting us for who we are and not for who they want us too be. Just wondering of course.
Maybe it's because CD'ing is solely just a sexual thing for me, but it has not at all made me a better person. CD'ing is a very self centered pursuit for me and there's WAY more productive things I could (should, really) spend my time doing and thinking about.
Not saying I don't enjoy the hell out of it, just saying that I'd be a better person if I wasn't addicted to it.
What makes up our character is much more than the recipe for making a cake, but your example is not lost in that it is not possible to separate one part of us and not expect the end result to be different. When it comes to the things that leave a profound impact, they are the things that are the most profound, to state the obvious. What ever the reason for being a CD'er, I would speculate that many of us had something profound happen that helped cement to into our psyche. Starting into a particlular behavior pattern in the early years of life gets a thing deeply ingrained, hence how do you separate it without doing major changes in other areas of ones character? I personally have had a better quality of life once I accepted this part of me. As my mother used to say, "can a leopard change its spots"? Well accepting the "spots" has made life easier/better, as far as character/personality goes, I am the sum of my past, and that I can not change!
How has CDing affected me for the better? It has made me more aware of how I need to love and accept others for their personality quirks, because I want them to accept me. I am reminded of a verse out of the bible which says," God's power is made perfect in weakness". My weakness is that I can not change who I am, but accept it and then get over myself.
Last edited by Gillian Gigs; 04-04-2013 at 11:45 AM.
I like myself, regardless of the packaging that I may come in! It's what is on the inside of the package that counts!
Being part of a non social accepted group makes me more sensitive to other minorities and non accepted groups. I think I am more tolerant and open minded, this Forum has helped to that as I learn everyday about so many different perspectives and experiences.
So, it makes me a better person not really a better man.
RAchel
Rachelf
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