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Thread: Am I taking this too far?

  1. #1
    Andrew in drag FelicityMay's Avatar
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    Mar 2013
    SLC, Utah

    Am I taking this too far?

    I brought up the thought of transitioning a few days ago, and I have been thinking a lot about how I feel about all of this lately.

    I don't necessarily have any real "problems" being a guy, but I really don't feel like I have anything special going for me, being a guy. I am not miserable when I'm not able to dress, but I am certainly a lot happier when I am able.

    The conclusion that I have come up with, is that Felicity is my best friend. Throughout my whole life, I have gone through lots of periods of loneliness, where I had no friends, and had to try to be happy on my own. Some times were better than others, but in the end, I almost always came out with a mental breakdown from just feeling like such an outcast. I always got happy when I found a hobby or interest that kept me occupied, and made me not think that I needed other people in my life in order to be happy. And ever since I have found this out about myself, I have actually fallen in love with myself! I know that sounds a bit narcissistic, but I am actually trying to become my own dream girl. Whereas I have never been able to have a girlfriend in the past, who I felt really loved me for who I was, now I actually feel like I have someone who is always there, even if it seems imaginary, it feels real to me. And it is actually kind of nice to feel like I always have a friend around.

    Maybe I'm just going crazy, but I think that dressing like a girl is my way of filling the void of never having a girl in my life. I can honestly say that I love girls so much that I want to be like them. But the problem here is that real girls don't want to marry a girl, so I think I would have to give it up, or at least lay it down a little bit over time. But I think I could do that as long as I actually had someone to care about me.

    Basically, transitioning would be my way of "marrying myself". I probably sound like a lunatic, saying that, but that is pretty much how I feel!

    Dressing up is what keeps me from going crazy when I have no friends. I manage to create an imaginary friend that can keep me company.

    I don't know if this is an unhealthy train of thought, but I am pretty happy! does anyone else use this as a form of coping with things?

  2. #2
    Junior Member laurawulff's Avatar
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    May 2013
    Buenos Aires, Argentina
    Not lunatic at all...i'm treating my issues with a teraphist...went to see him about the same thing (o close enough) that you are feeling...the surprise was that my problem was not with gender, or identity. A little word from an old hag: don't think too much about it...experience it day by day, be mindfull of what you feel every time you go to bed. On the other hand...don't give up on having a partner in life, you see, you are young, and there is a lot of road ahead of you. It will come when you are the moment...find yourself, and be happy
    Alles Zu Seiner Zeit

  3. #3
    Jennifer(not just)at home Jenniferathome's Avatar
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    Jan 2011
    Boise, Idaho but travel frequently
    You are not remotely in the camp for transition. Those who want to, HATE being male. They have the wrong parts. They transition to be correct physically; they are already women mentally. You are not a fit. Just enjoy your crossdressing life.

  4. #4
    Silver Member Angela Campbell's Avatar
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    Jul 2012
    I can identify with a lot of what you wrote here Felicity. I am much older than you but instead of questioning all of this like you are, I tried to deny it. I have been married twice, and lived with someone else for a few years in between. Yes I thought I needed to have a companion, but it never lasted because it was never real. It was just an attempt to be like everyone thought it should be.

    I have always been an outcast and a loner. I never had much in the way of friends going back to childhood. I was picked on and looked down upon. It took me 50 years to realize all of that wasted time was like that for me because I couldn't accept and embrace who and what I really am.

    You are young enough to avoid that kind of mistake. Find a gender therapist and talk with them. It cannot hurt anything and may be the key to starting to understand who you really are. Coping is better when you know what you are coping with. I do not know if transition is right for you, and you probably do not know either at this point. Don't rush anything you have time to find out the truth that only you can know.
    Last edited by Angela Campbell; 05-24-2013 at 10:20 PM.
    All I ever wanted was to be a girl. Is that really asking too much?

  5. #5
    Silver Member
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    Feb 2013
    Quote Originally Posted by FelicityMay View Post
    I can honestly say that I love girls so much that I want to be like them. But the problem here is that real girls don't want to marry a girl, so I think I would have to give it up, or at least lay it down a little bit over time. But I think I could do that as long as I actually had someone to care about me.

    Basically, transitioning would be my way of "marrying myself". I probably sound like a lunatic, saying that, but that is pretty much how I feel!
    I've heard other hetrosexual MtF transsexuals make the same statement as your first one "I love girls so much I wanted to be one."

    Your second statement is Anne Lawrence's interpretation of Blanchard's theory of Autogynephilia, also stated by Anne M. Vitale. Although misinterpreted to mean "you've fallen in love with some idealized image of women, therefore you aren't really transsexual", in fact, it is a trigger for some heterosexual and bisexual MtF's, in much the same way that the death of a spouse doesn't cause chronic depression - but if you are already biologically susceptible to depression, it can and does push people over the edge. Same type of thing for MtF's.

    Whether you are a cross dresser, or a transsexual, or somewhere else along the transgendered spectrum, there are a great many of us who've thought "yeah, if I get married, I'll be cured!!!!" only to discover that we have simply made our plight much, much worse.

  6. #6
    Intl Pink Flamingos Tracii G's Avatar
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    Aug 2008
    Between here and there
    Interesting question and I can't say my dressing is or would be considered coping with something.
    I do love women but not in a sexual sense more as friends.
    My dressing is more of an expression of one side of my personality.
    Flamingos on parade.

  7. #7
    Lady in Becoming AmyGaleRT's Avatar
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    Jun 2011
    Denver, CO
    At one time, Felicity, I thought much as you do; after my ex-wife left, I figured I had little chance of finding someone else, so I would cultivate my own feminine side by way of compensation. When Sabrina and I fell in love, though, I put that on hold, and I thought I could put dressing itself "on hold." We all know how that works out.

    Since opening up to her, though, I've noticed that I've gone much farther in the feminine role than I ever thought I could manage before. It's like her acceptance has not only made it possible for Amy to exist, but has been a catalyst in Amy's development.

    It certainly hasn't gone the way I figured it would, back then. As Johnny Lennon said, though. "Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans."

    - Amy
    Amy Gale Ruth Tapie - "Be who you are, and be it in style!"
    Event Organizer, Second Friday Meetups, ]Mile High Transgendered Meetup Group
    Member, Board of Trustees, Gender Identity Center of Colorado
    aka Amelia Storm - Miss Majestic Hearts of All Colorado 2015-2016

  8. #8
    Member DaniG's Avatar
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    Mar 2013
    Quote Originally Posted by almostalady View Post
    Find a gender therapist and talk with them.
    You have some issues to work through. If you're transsexual, you have the blessing that you may transition early if you wish. I recommend that you get therapy and find out if this is right for you.

  9. #9
    Member biggirlsarah's Avatar
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    Feb 2006
    Norfolk , England
    As someone once said to me the only difference after having a sex change is that your knickers fit , you are still basically the same person you just present a different exterior image to the world, you still have the same views , if you have a very small number of friends the after transitioning you will still have a small number of friends , probably less, if you are unemployed you will probably still be unemployed, if you are lonely then you will probably still be lonely, I think you need to seek a the advice of a therapist who is experienced in gender issues and sort those things out first, good luck in your journey, Love and hugs Sarah xxxx

  10. #10
    Complex Lolita...
    Join Date
    Sep 2006
    Quote Originally Posted by Felicity May
    Dressing up is what keeps me from going crazy when I have no friends. I manage to create an imaginary friend that can keep me company. I don't know if this is an unhealthy train of thought, but I am pretty happy! does anyone else use this as a form of coping with things?
    I’ve been making up imaginary friends ever since I was a young boy, but when I began to crossdress I became very much ME, an incorporated “self,” not a separate entity that I could call an imaginary friend. In many ways, crossdressing marked the end of my imaginary friend period. That was a happy moment, but I didn’t realize it until years later...

  11. #11
    Platinum Member kimdl93's Avatar
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    Jan 2010
    My advice to to is to first ask yourself why you feel alone, and what you might do to get out and make friends. Build a more complete social life, and in the course of that, be open to meeting women...without preconceived notions or expectations. You may even meet someone you're serious about.

    Then, start thinking about how you feel about dressing. Perhaps it is just a way of filling a void in your life. If that void is filled, does the desire to dress remain?

    I would also venture to guess that most young men feel that they cant get a date, let alone have a real relationship...and have some mistaken notions about their inadequacies. You can build confidence as you gain life experience.

    In the long run, as many of us can attest, you may find,that you can have a marriage, family and continue to be a cross dresser. Twenty years from now you may even realize that you are in deed transgendered, and choose to express that aspect of your life more openly.

    I guess what is saying is trite but true, life is a journey...and you will find some surprises along,the way.
    Last edited by kimdl93; 05-25-2013 at 07:33 AM.

  12. #12
    Silver Member Joanne f's Avatar
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    Mar 2007
    I would have thought that you would be doing it for the wrong reasons , doing it to be a substitute for a girl friend may cause it's own problems like if that girlfriend wanted a boyfriend would you want to change back to be that boyfriend you do not have , find that real girlfriend and then see how you feel about it , there is nothing wrong with a girl having a girlfriend but transitioning to just become that girl friend does not seam quite right to me especially since you say that you do not mind being a male .

  13. #13
    Silver Member Ressie's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2008
    Having friends is a human need. And I don't think you should go through your whole life without experiencing sex with a woman either. Take a class in something that you like as a way to meet people you have something in common with. Don't worry about marriage. It shouldn't be considered unless you meet the right person. So meeting people should be your first goal IMHO.

    Your relationship with crossdressing is similar to mine, but I've experienced many human relationships too.'...archy_of_needs

  14. #14
    Adventuress Kate Simmons's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2006
    Poconos, PA
    It doesn't sound that weird to me Hon. A lot of very deep feelings are involved with this stuff. If we truly want to understand them, we need to address them, make them our own and never be afraid of them or who we are. Works for me my friend.
    Second star to the right and straight on till morning

  15. #15
    Platinum Member Beverley Sims's Avatar
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    Nov 2011
    DizzyLand Los Angeles Beverley was here.
    I used to go through periods of no friends and yes, cd'ing was an outlet for me.
    Work on your elegance,
    and beauty will follow.

  16. #16
    A California Girl Rachel Morley's Avatar
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    Apr 2005
    Northern California
    Quote Originally Posted by FelicityMay View Post
    I can honestly say that I love girls so much that I want to be like them. But the problem here is that real girls don't want to marry a girl, so I think I would have to give it up, or at least lay it down a little bit over time. But I think I could do that as long as I actually had someone to care about me.
    You may not have to give it up. What you have said about "loving girls so much you want to be like them" really hits a note with me as I too have had the exact same thought in the past when I was single and I too thought that it would compromise my ability to find a woman who would want to love me and and marry me ... but guess what? I did find someone and she actually thinks my CDing is harmless and fun. I used to think that my being a somewhat girly guy was the reason I had not had a relationship for 12 years, yet what actually happened was it turned out to be the catalyst for me meeting my wife of 10 years. My point is, don't rule anything in or out. Strange things happen when you least expect them.
    The River City Gems - Northern California's largest and most active crossdressing & transgender support group!

  17. #17
    Gold Member Maria in heels's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2009
    NY & PA
    I can understand what you are saying, because to me, it is also just like having a friend to "share" feelings with. You in now way sound like a lunatic, and I think that its just a way of allowing Felicity to come out - more like "justifying her existence" instead of just allowing her to come thru, even if you are in drab.
    A new link to a sample of my shoe collection

  18. #18
    trans punk Badtranny's Avatar
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    Jun 2011
    SF Bay Area
    Felicity, I'm fascinated by your goofiness. :-)

    I just love your honesty and the fact that you just put this weird stuff out there in such an open and naive way. It's kinda refreshing among the typically well researched narratives we get around here.

    You're young, time is on your side. You can get away with a lot of things that older broads like me can't. You could actually come out to the world and be a full-time CD for a couple of years and then just say "nevermind' and chalk it up to youthful abandon. You have a full buffet of options in front of you so just chill and explore a few.

    To your comment about liking girls so much, you want to be one, I could have said the same thing, except I didn't like them sexually. I was confusing my emotional need for girlfriends with the sexual needs of my testosterone fueled body. I never identified as gay even though I'd been an undercover pole-smoker since I was 19. I thought I was bi because I liked girls, but as it turned out, girls want their guys to be interested in them sexually too, and I couldn't sustain that kind of interest. After transition, I finally have the kind of relationships with women that I was craving. There is no sexual tension, just affection and emotional closeness.
    Quote Originally Posted by STACY B
    At least there is social acceptance in being a drunk in our world. Hell I was good at it too.
    Melissa Hobbes

  19. #19
    girly girl Abbygirl's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2012
    right here.
    Quote Originally Posted by FelicityMay View Post
    I can honestly say that I love girls so much that I want to be like them.
    Basically, transitioning would be my way of "marrying myself". I probably sound like a lunatic, saying that, but that is pretty much how I feel!
    I don't know if this is an unhealthy train of thought, but I am pretty happy! does anyone else use this as a form of coping with things?
    I think we may be kindred sisters. I feel exactly the way you do - loving girls so much I want to be one, or at least be like one. For years I've been happy to just emulate with clothes and makeup etc but here lately I have developed a strong desire to grow breasts and I fantasize about taking hormones to feminize my body.

    "I try to be my own dream girl" - yep, I'd say that's exactly what I do.

    You are not alone. I can't say if you and I are taking it too far, or if it is unhealthy- but you are NOT alone!!!
    "Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery"

  20. #20
    Gold Member Sue's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2008
    Felicity, I am going to address this a little more broadly. You have a lot of questions, feelings, and unanswered questions. Well, welcome to the club! Many of us go through a period of uncertainty and for some it lasts a long time. My advice is to go with it. Ask these questions. Think about the possibilities. Explore how you feel.

    Here is what I would try and limit. I would limit unreversable physical changes until you are sure of what you want. I would limit bringing this out in parts of your life unless you are sure that you are okay with it being permanent. Now since you have already decided that you could do that in some parts of your life, it may sound odd that I bring this up, but decide on your level of "outness" and handle the future appropriately. You may decide that at a job you don't want them to know. If you are uncertain, don't tell them until you are sure. I am all for people being out if they want to, but I also see those with remorse and that is something that can be avoided.

    I am with Melissa in seeing you as refreshing. You found this side of you and you aren't backing up. You are exploring and you are embracing it. That is great! If you are taking it too far, you will probably only know by doing exactly that. How can we know that we hit the limit? I would probably guess that for most, they either have to go too far to know to back off a little, or they come up short of reaching their balanced point by erring on the safe side (which is fully understandable).

    The biggest thing you have is time. Many here wish they had been able to work this out better when they were younger. You are doing just that. It is great to see. I look forward to watching your journey.

  21. #21
    Gold Member Alice Torn's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2006
    Midwest U.S.
    Felicity, I am 59 and still single, but can very much relate to you. I dress to be my dream lady, too, and am a loner, though i have had many friends. I tried dating a lot, since i was about 25, and could never make it work into marriage. I did start dressing at age 14, but went many years without it, trying to date and find a wife. Being low income, i have little chance of marrying, now, and don't like the way most women dress. I have asked many if they wear dresses, and many say they don't own a dress or skirt!!! I though about transisioning , but ruled it out, as too expensive, and more than i could handle. I also am learning to accept my male side, and not hate it. So, i dress several times a month inside, and a few times a year go out in public. Life is not easy. We can't rule out, that a compatible lady may come into our lives, as unlikely as it seems.

  22. #22
    Don't call me 'hun'... Samantha_Smile's Avatar
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    Jan 2010
    Warrington UK
    To the OP
    Doesn't sound to me like a good reason to transition.
    Sounds to me like you're depressed and that dressing, while enjoyable at the best of times, is also an escape from the life you know.
    If you transitioned, you would have the same problems in a different body that you later work out you dont really want.

    Speaking as a health professional and as someone who has been through depression, AND as someone who is to marry a mental health nurse....
    My advice would be to seek some counciling or CBT or speak to a shrink.
    Ive been to counciling and CBT, and it changed my life and outlook on it.

    You need to get over the stigma that goes with a mental health problem first.
    Samantha -x-
    Samantha Smile on Flickr
    Sometimes Samantha Blog
    "Explaining why one crossdresses to someone who doesn't, is sort of like trying to explain a particular sound to someone who has never been able to hear."
    KrysalA, 2011

  23. #23
    Member JamieTG's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2006
    Richmond, VA
    Felicity I know where your coming from. When I was much younger I went through long periods of feeling lonely and isolated. I was shy and introverted and had trouble meeting people, especially girls. I used my xdressing and fantasies to fill the void because I never got professional help. Help to break out of my shell and get involved in activities where I would meet people. It was unhealthy to use it this way because it made me lazy and was an easy way to avoid dealing with the real problem. If your like me you probably have low self esteem and feel you are too different to have close friends or a girlfriend. It doesn't sound like you are a transsexual so I think transitioning would be a mistake. I would discuss your feelings of loneliness and isolation with a mental health professional. Good luck.

  24. #24
    Banned Read only
    Join Date
    Dec 2008
    cleveland ohio
    plenty of NON DRESSERS JUST CANT MEET A GIRL, PEROID! and when we/dressers or not, do meet people WERE JUST JUNKIE MAGNETS! I learned a good trick, when a girl calls NEVER ANSWER THGE PHONE! WOMEN LOVE THAT! IM FOR REAL. THEY LOVE TO BE BLOWN OFF! THIS IS WHY THEY PREFFER POPULAR! IT APPEARS WE ARE WHEN WE JUST BLOW THEM OFF.Im really sick of attracting junkies that are doing NOTHING for them selves to help them selves better there situations. HHHUUUMMMM, I just connected the dots, WHAT DO I EXPECT WHEN I GO TO A BAR, meet them on line, attend 12 step recovery meetings, that problem or not?

    time for us to find out what we are really good at and just exert out strong points, I just plop on the couch after work, look at the boob tube all night and when shy or bored JEN JUST GOES AND GABBS WITH THE WOMEN AT THE CLOTHING EXCHANGE STORE. I would like to join one activity weekly as jen and join something jeff likes as jeff. WE HAVE TO COUNTER BALLANCE. OUR SELF ESTEEM WILL IMPROVE. one thing nobody likes is a negative person.

  25. #25
    Aspiring Member tiffanynjcd24's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2012
    New Jersey
    I agree we have to learn how to establish balance within ourselves. I went to a therapist to get help with understand who I am. I came in terms with being a crossdresser and thats who I am.

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