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Thread: "Transitioning" from Cross dresser to Trans ...when did it happen to you.

  1. #1
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    "Transitioning" from Cross dresser to Trans ...when did it happen to you.

    Obviously, this might not apply to many of you, but for those that this does apply to:

    At what point in your life did you realize your "trans" status? What was your experience around that realization?

    Thanks!

  2. #2
    Gold Member Kaitlyn Michele's Avatar
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    I was totally blind to my "nature" for 45 years...even though my crossdressing and thinking about crossdressing was overwhelming my life, I was highly functioning...

    I never allowed myself for one moment to consider the possibility that transitioning to live as a woman was remotely possible and this thought guided and protected me. I was deeply repressed, but a better word for it may be compartmentalized...
    I was just able to put it out of mind..

    For many years there were signs and behavior I ignored... I obsessively surfed Lynn Conway's website and read the same articles over and over...

    One day I stumbled over this article http://avitale.com/developmentalreview.htm

    That one article put a knife in my brain...it was my life...it was agony... around the same time I was divorced and my boss of 20 years announced his retirement... and that as they say was that... from the moment I read that article I knew what was going to happen...it took 2 years to get to a point where I started HRT and my transition in earnest...

    I hope that helps...

  3. #3
    Laura So Cal Laura28's Avatar
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    That's a tough one for me been dressing all my life off and on but in the last few years the urge is more then ever before and I have thoughts of wanting to have breast and wonder if I could do full time. However I know I couldn't look like the woman I would want to be and because of that I don't think I would ever go full time. I also worry about my family and the change in life am I willing to give all that up probaly not. That said u never know were this road is going to take you. If you aske me a few years ago that I would dress fully as often as I can keep my self shaved all year rounding would have said no. Time will tell I guess.

  4. #4
    Silver Member Angela Campbell's Avatar
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    My earliest memories were wanting to be a girl. I thought it impossible for a long time, then I thought I could never do it, then....I did it.

    There is not a single day of my life I didn't want to be a girl.
    All I ever wanted was to be a girl. Is that really asking too much?

  5. #5
    Silver Member "Mary"'s Avatar
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    What the difference between a crossdresser and a transsexual?

    About 3 years! Ha ha ha!

    Just joking. Not always the case. but it's funny because there's a kernel of truth there.
    Mary

  6. #6
    Silver Member Angela Campbell's Avatar
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    In a lot of cases the difference is .....a wife.
    All I ever wanted was to be a girl. Is that really asking too much?

  7. #7
    Member melissakozak's Avatar
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    Serious self exploration was key for me with a gender counselor to help me realize who I was and what I needed. I honestly believe GD exists on a spectrum of sorts, and where one might fall on the spectrum determines the needs of the individual and since it is an individual experience, each person must find on her own what she needs to do. For me, self acceptance that being 'transgender' is who I am, not what I do, has meant a lot for me as far as gaining an inner sense of peace. I have trans friends all along the transition spectrum...from just hormones to full SRS, and everyone of them is living life as she sees fit...regardless of what others think....each of us arrived where we are through self realization....peace, Melissa.

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    My realization happened fairly recently, just within the last few months. Up till then I figured I was just a depressed guy who CD'd sporadically (though getting increasingly rare) but wished he was a girl everyday, like Angela said above. I was, and still am, angry with GGs because they were born correctly whereas I wasn't. I'm ashamed of this anger because they didn't do anything to be born GG, just like I didn't do anything (I don't think) to have these trans feelings. I have no right to be mad at them...

    I hadn't heard of GD until several months ago so I never considered the depression and my desire to be female connected. Well, that's not entirely accurate, I suppose I had a feeling but was too embarrassed to let it surface and therefore never took it seriously enough until now.

    Even after being introduced to GD I didn't initially think I had it "bad enough" to be considered trans. But after reading a lot, watching video accounts and speaking with trans-women, I started to see many commonalities shared.

    I'm still skeptical of my being trans but that could just be remnants of denial. All the pieces appear to fit and despite expressing several doubts to my therapist she believes these female feelings/desires are deep within my core self. If I'm not trans then what else could I be?

  9. #9
    Transgender Member Dianne S's Avatar
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    I just posted a thread about this: http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...85#post3428785

    47 years old.

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    For me it never happened. I was never a CDer. I was always a girl, just in the wrong damn body. I tried to tell them and nobody would listen. I went back to the baby factory to find out how this could happen and what to do about it. They were closed up, windows and door boarded up, out of business. So, I did the best I could and when I could afford it, I bought aftermarket parts and had severe bodywork done to create the masterpiece in my mind. Sometimes you got to do what needs to be done.
    Last edited by Jorja; 02-06-2014 at 07:36 PM.

  11. #11
    Silver Member Kathryn Martin's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by "Mary" View Post
    What the difference between a crossdresser and a transsexual?

    About 3 years! Ha ha ha!

    Just joking. Not always the case. but it's funny because there's a kernel of truth there.
    What, no one? Really? This is neither funny, nor is there any truth to this kernel or otherwise. This is a tired old meme used by white middle aged m** to justify a breakout into fantasy land.

    Oh and by the way OP, there is no such thing as "transitioning from crossdresser to trans...." It is an insult to those who actually transition. I would call it rolling from one fantasy into another.
    Last edited by Kathryn Martin; 02-06-2014 at 08:37 PM.
    "Never forget the many ways there are to be human" (The Transsexual Taboo)

  12. #12
    In transmission whowhatwhen's Avatar
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    I'm actually pretty sure a few members here started out in the CD section and ended up transitioning.
    It's not guaranteed but I can see people opening up more with lots of soul searching to come to terms with what they've always known.
    Last edited by whowhatwhen; 02-06-2014 at 08:26 PM. Reason: Spelling

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    I thought that joke was kind of funny.

    Also, in my humble opinion, kudos to the OP for asking an interesting question that shows how all our journeys are different and there many paths to take in discovering yourself. Perhaps there are an infinite number of paths as there are an infinite number of gender expressions.
    Last edited by Rianna Humble; 02-07-2014 at 09:03 AM. Reason: Insult removed

  14. #14
    Fashionista VeronicaMoonlit's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kathryn Martin View Post
    What, no one? Really? This is neither funny, nor is there any truth to this kernel or otherwise.
    Pot, kettle, black. I've been around long enough to know that there's a lot of truth to it. What happens is a middle aged upper class transperson who has identified as CD for years, hits the certain age, begins soul searching and acknowledging the feelings they always had. And since they have the money/socioeconomic clout to pull it off, they bankroll a reasonably quick transition trying to maintain as much as their previous status as they can. Easier for academia than others, but lawyers and doctors pull it off too.

    Oh and by the way OP, there is no such thing as "transitioning from crossdresser to trans...." It is an insult to those who actually transition. I would call it rolling from one fantasy into another.
    Perhaps you don't like the wording, but it does describe what happens. Perhaps saying "Crossdresser figuring out they're transsexual" is better? I know you're sensitive on this, for various reasons.

    Quote Originally Posted by whowhatwhen View Post
    I'm actually pretty sure a few members here started out in the CD section and ended up transitioning.
    More than a few.

    It's not guaranteed but I can see people opening up more with lots of soul searching to come to terms with what they've always known.
    Indeed.

    Veronica
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  15. #15
    Silver Member I Am Paula's Avatar
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    It's a matter of self perception. For thirty years I called myself a crossdresser. I knew deep down it was bigger than that, but denial being what it is, saying I was just a CD helped me sleep at night. About 17 years ago my CDing started escalating. I just started dressing and acting, and, in general trying to be a woman. I would dismiss it every time it crept into my mind that I wanted to transition. I was still just a CD, right? I could go back anytime. Wrong. As the ultimate form of CDing, I went full time, thinking this would quiet the demons that were stirring in me. This made things MUCH worse. The GD grew, and all I was seeing in the mirror was a guy dressed as a girl. It was becoming apparent that I needed to change on a more real, cellular level, and stop playing the part, and BE the part. Still, I carried on, as the GD became unbearable, thinking I could fix myself...Hmmm maybe if I got boobs. Still in denial.

    Not being out to my parents, I reluctantly got on my guy gear to go to my own birthday party with them. Seeing myself in drab burst the dam, and I knew it was out of control, my life was out of control, and I was faced with the ultimate TS dilemma- Fix it, or End it. I had a very sloppy breakdown right in front of my sister.

    Had I been a CD, and evolved into TS? Or was I TS all along? Arguing that is semantics.
    Last edited by I Am Paula; 02-06-2014 at 09:25 PM.

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    I liked Kaitlyn's link since since #3 is very similar to my own experience. When I started here I hadn't even worn a wig, makeup, or breast forms. A former member Julia_inPa told me I was a woman but I didn't get it until a second bout of GD was triggered.

    I'll use Anne Vitale for this information below. From her website:

    CATEGORY 3. Crossdressing vs Transsexualism

    Oh I should point out the question posed here was from her mailbag and you can see the question is not properly worded. She did reply to it though.

    1. What is difference between a male cross dresser and a man wanting to be a woman?

    Original link: http://www.avitale.com/FAQ.htm

    I have never met a genetic male who has gone on to transition to the female gender role that did not start out as a cross dresser. However, it does not mean that every genetic male that cross dresses will go on to transition. Keep in mind that cross dressing is a temporary way for a genetic male to experience femaleness. For some genetic males that short period of experiencing the feminine complements their sense of being male. They may make some minor modifications of their body to enhance their feminine appearance when dressed such as beard and body hair removal but they have no difficulty holding on to their core sense of being male.

    Genetic males who eventually go on to transition permanently to the female gender role (transsexuals) on the other hand, cross dress to ease gender expression deprivation. Dressing is serious business for these individuals. It is only during these cross dressing periods that they can find a sense of wholeness. Unlike the cross dresser described above, transsexuals have little or no love for their alienated sense of masculinity and they are more then willing to give up its influence on their lives via hormones and surgery.
    Last edited by Marleena; 02-06-2014 at 11:46 PM. Reason: merge

  17. #17
    Gold Member Kaitlyn Michele's Avatar
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    The statement that a person would transition from man, from CD, etc to ts gets a bad rap for being politically incorrect but it aptly describes what happened to me (IN MY OWN MIND)....looking back I can say that I was coping with being a woman by everything I tried to do prior to living as one....simply stated, calling oneself a CD does not preclude anything.

    crossdressing for me was at first very fantastical and innocent, then it felt very sexual, and then it got really monotonous and boring because I was confused and trapped, and then it got super intense and then it became super important and I basically lived no life outside of work and "dressing"..and then it became like a nightmare and I started to consider why life was worth living... all that time , I thought to myself that I was a crossdresser...that I couldn't be transsexual because ...(fill in blank)....

    I get that its not really true that a cd transitions into being ts....and I get that the joke was very far from funny ...if the difference between a cd and ts is 3 years, it likely will be the worst 3 years of your life...

  18. #18
    Aspiring Artist Kelly DeWinter's Avatar
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    I guess for me , when I really understood the differences between the two. Identity is very important to me, how I think and view myself as a person. I've long ago given up the notion that clothing has anything to do with gender identity, although it can be very important for expressing ones gender.
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  19. #19
    Senior Member KellyJameson's Avatar
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    The clothes can be a tool for self discovery and to create the outward illusion of a inward reality. I mostly skipped over the clothes and looked for ways to change my body starting around puberty by wearing my hair long and trying to remove body and facial hair of which I fortunately did not have much because waxing hurts and electro is expensive.

    I used the clothes as the dypshoria deepened but it turns into a unhealthy dependency because the clothes are "outside you" where what you really want is to change the inside "as the body" so the clothes torment you much like being in a wheelchair torments someone who wants the freedom to walk and run.

    The clothes attack your need of and sense of integrity and authenticity. Two words that are extremely powerful and important when you are in the grip of gender dysphoria because you are always living contrary to them.

    I never had a erotic interest in myself "as turning myself into the image of a woman" which seems to be very common among crossdressers nor did I have any interest in turning myself into a sexual object for others by creating "the illusion of a woman"

    For me it was always about my mind absolutely and unequivocally knowing myself as a woman even while spending considerable emotional resources denying it because really who in their right mind needs those kinds of problems.

    I could use the clothes in such a way that it would temporarily reduce the dysphoria but it is like using alcohol to forget your problems and than afterwards all the problems are still there plus the hangover.

    Clothes are a double edged sword so they may bring relief but they cut as well.

    When you suffer from gender dysphoria the mind craves reality, not illusion and I have known transsexuals who even after everything is finished to the best medical science can offer still mourn not being able to become pregnant.

    There is no perfect solution and if you are honest with yourself transitioning is still a compromise.

    On some level you must accept aspects of your physical birth circumstances.

    I'm actually more interested in clothes now because I do not feel fake when I wear them and the attention is kind of nice (sometimes)
    Last edited by KellyJameson; 02-06-2014 at 11:03 PM.

  20. #20
    Platinum Member kimdl93's Avatar
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    I see cross dressing as a behavior...a physical act that can mean different things to different people. Only four years ago, I would have characterized myself simply as a cross dresser. That self assessment changed as I came to realize, gradually, that I could actually dress and present myself as a woman in public...something clicked with the full realization. Suddenly what I'd relegated to fantasy seemed attainable. It's hard to pinpoint the moment, but that part of the evolution took only a matter of weeks....after decades feeling it could never be.

    Now, several years later I characterize myself as a middle pather, although I spend most of my non working life en femme. I'm ALS quite comfortable acknowledging that I'm TG. I do not consider myself TS, although I lean a bit more in that direction . Over time, I do hope to continue expanding the female side of my life and limiting the male obligations. I've been surprised so often in the past four years....I quit making predictions!
    New state, new home, new pics in process

  21. #21
    Member steph1964's Avatar
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    Although I have memories of wanting to be a girl back to when I was 4 years old, I never understood it as being transsexual. I crossdressed all my life but there was an enormous amount of shame a guilt attached to it. I couldn't think of anything except needing to dress but when I did I hated myself for doing it. I never allowed myself to think past that point. The realization that I was transsexual was a devastating blow, and took over a year to accept. I was happily married to a wife who accepted my occasional crossdressing; I had a great career and a family. I would think that no one in real life is actually a transsexual; they are just on line and on TV. I was even scared to read the transsexual posts here.

    But a few years ago it became clear that the dressing wasn't enough. No matter how many times I dressed and went out, the depression and dysphoria continued to get worse. I started having stress related medical problems and severe depression until I got to the point that I decided that I needed to accept it or it would kill me.

    I have been on HRT for almost a year and completely full time for five months. What is ironic is that dressing very feminine, in dresses and heels, never diminished my dysphoria while I was crossdressing. But living authentically as a woman I happily wear jeans and sweats and the dysphoria is completely gone.
    We can never obtain peace in the outer world until we make peace with ourselves - Dalai Lama

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  22. #22
    New Member Jessicah's Avatar
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    I started cross dressing at the age of about 5, give or take. I started dressing at that age not because I wanted to be a girl, but because deep down, I knew that I was a girl. Also remember thinking that at some point my body would transform into a females when I got older... Oh how I wish that were the case.

    For these next few sentences I want to apologize in advance, because I know now that there are varying degrees on the identity scale and I have absolutely no intention of insulting anyone. But in my mid 20's I considered men in drag as a demeaning, derogatory display and grossly fetishistic portrayal of females. Something that caused me to take offense at their actions even though I presented outwardly as male. Of course there are CD'ers who probably went on to identify as TG, and those who suppressed their own identity and were only able to understand it later in life. But again, for me, it was something I always knew.
    Jess

  23. #23
    Valley Girl Michelle789's Avatar
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    The realization that I'm trans was a gradual and painful process.

    As a kid I knew I was a girl on the inside, wanted to be a girl on the outside, and acted like a girl, and my parents did everything they could to repress such behavior. But I was a boy and was supposed to accept that so I just tried to be "me" as best as I can, and being a boy/man wasn't easy for me.

    I started cross-dressing as a teenager, and CDed for both sexual gratification and for comfort.

    My cross-gender behavior extended beyond the clothes and was noticed by everyone around me. I'm not sure in what way I still act femininely but it may be gestures or personality traits. It's not the way I talk though, I talk like a tech guy. In fact today I thought of at least 10 stereotypically female personality traits I possess and may be frequently or intermittently shown to the world. I also feel like I react and think like a female.

    I always felt like I was a girl on the inside, and had many such moments throughout my life. I never truly identified as male and thought I was just me, but always secretly fantasized about being a woman.

    I thought I was just a cross-dresser for years, until the GD started going on steroids four years ago.

    In 2010, the GD began to go on steroids, but our "year without a summer" in LA blocked it as I was disappointed about our un-California like weather that year. I really became obsessed with weather.

    In 2011, the year without a summer passed, and my GD went on steroids for real. I believe my obsession with weather was a way of coping with and was one of two final attempts to deny who I really am.

    My desire to be female grew stronger and stronger as the psychic pressured me into dating and manning up. I think the second of two final attempts to deny who I really am was me participating in the psychic's man up games, although she really screwed with my mind and contributed towards worsening the GD.

    A few key moments helped me to realize who I really am.
    1. I hate the male gender role. When the psychic told me that some of the younger women want the men to stay at home and be househusbands, that didn't register with me, because I am not a man, and she refused to acknowledge that. I don't want to be a stay at home man. I am a woman and want to be true to myself. It's about identity first, gender roles second. (Jul 25, 2012)

    2. I am slowly realizing that I really do dress for comfort more and more, and that my fetish behavior is slowly disappearing.

    3. When I started a thread about male privilege, and a white male CD from the Netherlands attacked my viewpoint as being that of a white male, and that night I couldn't sleep, I prayed to God that I would die in a plane crash when I travel for Christmas, and I sent this person a PM saying that I wanted my male privilege to be amputated. (Dec 9, 2013)

    P.S. I don't believe that CDs are a completely different phenomena from being TS, nor do I believe that most CDs are on a train to transville. I believe CDs suffer from a mild form of GD that can be controlled with cross-dressing, although it does worsen over the years. Many transwomen may start off as cross-dressers and may show cross-gender expression in ways aside from the clothes, but we feel a deep sense that we are really internally women and cross-dressing (or other cross-gender expressions) are just ways to cope with the GD until it no longer works, and transition is a must.


    Quote Originally Posted by KellyJameson View Post
    When you suffer from gender dysphoria the mind craves reality, not illusion and I have known transsexuals who even after everything is finished to the best medical science can offer still mourn not being able to become pregnant.
    It's sad, but we've come a long way in terms of medical science and trans acceptance from 20 years ago.

    I've read posts about transwomen being sad about not being able to be pregnant also a way of validating your female identity. Some cis-women who can't get pregnant have this kind of sadness too.

    Quote Originally Posted by KellyJameson View Post
    There is no perfect solution and if you are honest with yourself transitioning is still a compromise.
    Everything in life is a compromise. Even how California got it's shape was a compromise. I'm sure compromises went into building this forum, and all marriages are based on compromise.

    Quote Originally Posted by KellyJameson View Post
    On some level you must accept aspects of your physical birth circumstances.
    Agreed. However, any thing to help bring our bodies into congruence with our minds is better than living in misery, living a fake life as a male, or being dead. I once saw a documentary about a transgender child. The interviewers asked her mom how she feels about her child being trans and losing her son. She said that she'd rather have a living transgender daughter than a dead son.

    Quote Originally Posted by Dreamer_grl View Post
    Even after being introduced to GD I didn't initially think I had it "bad enough" to be considered trans. But after reading a lot, watching video accounts and speaking with trans-women, I started to see many commonalities shared.
    Me too. Every time I saw a documentary about transition or heard a story about someone that a friend (or friend of a friend) knew it always struck a raw nerve and I secretly wished I could have the opportunity to transition. Starting in late 2012 I started to read about TS women, read stories, saw videos and documentaries, and eventually I joined this forum and started speaking with the transwomen on this site. I saw the commonalities too with both the transwomen on this forum, in videos I watched, and in other stories I read elsewhere.


    P.S. I also hear about the whole wanting to be a girl vs I knew I was a girl. To me there's really no difference. Whether I wanted to be a girl or knew I was a girl are just different expressions of the same thing. I see it as I knew I was a girl on the inside, but I wanted to be a girl on the outside.
    Last edited by Michelle789; 02-07-2014 at 01:19 AM.
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  24. #24
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    Jessicah, you don't say if you have transitioned or if you are even still CDing, all that I know for certain is you are very insulting.


    I think I knew that joining this site meant transition was coming. I didn't stay in the M2F CD section for very long. So I let the real me come rushing out. November 2013 - started going to support groups, December 1, 2013 - started seeking therapy. Dec 25, 2013 - came out to some family. Jan 1, 2014 - started going out daily. Jan 15 2014 - came out on male facebook. Jan 20, 2014 - came out to neighbors, mailman and anyone else who I interact with. Feb 3, 2014 - gave away every single male thing I had and went fulltime. Today I got my pic re-taken for my license. Tomorrow I am getting a new school ID and then I am going to start the name changing process. I want to start HRT right now, but the endo at the VA wants me to be fulltime for 6 months first. I want to be on HRT for 2 years before I decide if I need any additional surgeries. So, after it's all said and done, my transition will take about 3 years.

  25. #25
    My Ship has sailed? Barbara Ella's Avatar
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    This all began very late in life for me (65 yrs) just over two years ago. I now know/suspect what was suppressing my true nature, but it was a shock to me at 65 to find a desire to dress as a woman, fully. Just starting out, this behavior could be nothing more than crossdressing, what did I know. My wife could not understand a man wearing female clothing. within a year the peace of clothing was replaced by the feelings that clothes was not what was necessary, and was replaced by the knowledge that I was a woman regardless of what I was wearing or doing. That began the distress and GD as I looked at my life and realized the signs were there but ignored. The wife understands and accepts this as something she can believe would happen..."You should have been born a woman, but something happened." I don't know there was a transition, but there was definitely a developing awareness of what was really needed to stay sane. I have no idea how far it will progress, but it is a work in progress.

    Barbara
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    I may never get to fly like the other girls, but I do so want to dance, so I continue to climb.

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