Dressing to Blend In

[AKADonna]

I don't know whether this post should be in "Crossdressing" or "Clothing, Beauty," forum as it is more about a CD style issue than specific dressing items.


When I first began to serious crossdress fully as a woman, I concentrated on becoming the prettiest and most beautifully dressed woman I could be. Well, I've come on the stark realization that 1). At 6'1 and 230 with size 14 feet and masculine features, I could not pass as a pretty woman at midnight in a coal mine, and 2) the more I attempted to add makeup, fancy clothes and bigger boobs, the more I looked so much different from most women my age.

So, now I simply dress and make myself up to "blend in" with the women I see shopping at major retail stores like Target, Walmart, TJ Max, etc. If I can simply look like, dress like and carry myself like the average woman I see there while shopping, I will have achieved my goal.

For example, I just got back from shopping at TJ Max and Target. I wore a peasant top (over bra w/sm forms), jean skirt, and flats, my grey wig, fem watch, and everyday purse. I wore just a little makeup (used foundation, powder, blush, eyeliner & a little mascara, but no eyeshadow and light lipstick). It was an 'everyday casual' look of a 60-70 year old, matronly shopper who is somewhat overweight! I felt like I really blended in with those shopping around me. Of course, I had to be careful about my deportment and mannerisms and, when I spoke, I did so at barely above a whisper. Feeling this confident, I was not so afraid of being noticed or otherwise 'busted' and I had a truly enjoyable experience.

Since my primary occasion to go out dressed en femme is to go shopping or to a restaurant, this "Blending" objective works pretty well for me. If & when the time comes for me to attend a social gathering, etc dressed, I'll then need to step it up a bit, but at least I'll have a solid basis to work from. For now, though, my focus will be on "blending in" rather than "standing out"!

[Jackie F]

Always best to have a plan! Happy for you

[Emi_]

The tendency among many cross-dressers seems to lean towards dressing in the fantasy. I mean, there seems to be a common experience of dressing more like what our fantasy of women is rather than what women really dress like. Some argue that this is because we do not typically go through the growing period of women where they experiment and develop styles and tastes and learn "appropriate" dress. Others argue that it is part of the "fetishistic" component of cross-dressing which assumes all men who wear women's clothing only do it for a sexual thrill. Either way, it does seem to be common.

If "blending" is simply about not standing out as strange or unusual in public places, then it seems a good strategy to simply go out and watch how the women where you want to go dress. Have a seat at the mall, or at a store, or have a bite and a drink at a restaurant and just look around. For the most part, you will probably simply be disappointed that women don't actually wear the holy grails of cross-dressing (i.e. heels, hose, dresses, and makeup). It is much more common to see women in jeans, t-shirts, flip-flops, and minimal makeup if any. Skirts are still an option, but seldom with hose. Heels are also optional but not the rule. Overall, most women will dress for their own comfort anymore and the styles will vary depending on location.

[RenneB]

Me too. I spent a great deal of effort and wardrobe on the fantasy that I thought I could be. Eventually, reality hit and I have now endeavored for the blended look. I still have caught myself looking at that long curly blonde wig or short clubbing dress and saying "If only I wore that I would look like..." I then steer myself towards the moderate brunette hair with the knee length dress.....

And the journey continues......

Renne......

[Desirae]

I guess this would the "Less Is More" philosophy. I completely agree. There is a time and place for everything. The fantasy endeavors can certainly still exist behind your own closed doors at home. Honestly, I very much like the basic, conservative, non-flashy clothing that "normal" women wear out and about. There are still plenty of ways to dress smartly and sexy without it being over the top.

[AKADonna]

Further - If going "out" dressed is a big hurdle for you to overcome or you are worried about how others who see you will react, then "dressing to Blend In" is a great way to get started, I think. That's only one person's opinion, of course, but I have used this to make my dressing experiences more fun and less scary! I have now become so confident and comfortable dressing within myself that I can go most places without worry. (I still do not go out dressed in my local community as I'm not ready for possible repercussions if I were to be recognized by family, friends, and neighbors. I just don't need the drama of that!)

[windycissy]

You've described my philosophy perfectly: when in Rome, do as the Romans do! It's casual tops and skirts or shorts for me this time of year, with the occasional sundress. When I do get a rare Saturday night out with the tgirls I'll take it up a notch for sure, and on Sunday mornings I might wear a nice conservative dress to church, which blends right in.

[Chari]

Great info from pervious posts! IMO it is always best to try to look (& blend in) like a natural GG with dress, makeup, and attitude so as not to draw attention to yourself - unless that is your goal! Ever wonder how many CDers you have passed without noticing! Enjoy.

[Michelle789]

I don't think that failure to blending in gets you clocked - there are plenty of things that get you clocked aside from clothes. Failing to blend in might get other women jealous of you because you draw more male attention. Failing to blend in at TG events might cause some TG people to criticize you because they're jealous of the way you dress, or because they fear you'll get clocked and they'll get clocked by association.

I feel like we are entitled to dress as we wish, and not necessarily limit ourselves to jeans, flip flops. There is nothing wrong with wearing skirts, hose, heels. More importantly is your taste should be well and you should be able to put an outfit together nicely, and well coordinated. I may pass on micro minis, or maybe compromise and do skirt and hose with flats, or jeans with heels. But if skirt + hose + heels is your thing, than go for it.

Also sticking to basic dresses and skirts, rather than ones that are too flashy, might help too. If you like fancier skirts/dresses, than I won't stop you from wearing them.

I spoke with my therapist about this too, and she agrees that most situations you can get by with the holy grails of crossdressing. It's more about wearing them modestly and dressing age appropriately. And the few situations you would probably want to avoid the holy grails of CDing is when you're going hiking or engaging in other physical activity. And certainly don't wear the holy grails to the beach. But the holy grails work fine for the supermarket, dinner, movie, TG support group, church, hanging out with friends. If you're full time TS or full time CD, the holy grails are acceptable to work if you work in an office setting.

I agree with sticking with modest, B/C cup breast forms, as D or DD will make you stand out.

Oh, and unless you have had electrolysis or laser hair removal, or are lucky too have fine light beard hair, you WILL need to wear enough makeup to cover the beard, and a mild pink lipstick might suit you well. Did I forget to say that a beard or five o'clock shadow WILL get you clocked.

I have personally found that 90% of my issues from wearing the holy grails of CDing come from within the TG community, specifically from a few transwomen, and 10% from myself, not from the general public. Even a GG friend who saw me dressed in dress + black hose told me I looked nice - in mid June at 3:00 pm. GG's may have some issues too, and it really depends on whether or not they perceive you to look prettier than they do, as well as on the individual person too.

Confidence is key. If you look and act confidently, you'll blend in way better, regardless of how you're dressed.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Donna, It's always better to blend in than stand out.
Just one question, Were there any lights in that Coal Mine ??

[Richelle]

As Windy said "You've described my philosophy perfectly.... It's casual tops and skirts or shorts for me this time of year, with the occasional sundress."

Richelle

[natcrys]

I agree in the sense that there is a specific time and place for that evening dress with the glitters and the 5 inch heels.

But if you look at all the different types of women and girls during a day of shopping and chilling in a bar or restaurant afterwards.. you will see a lot of styles.

So my advice would be.. dress what you feel is feminine, but suitable for the occasion. If I go shopping, I will go for smart casual.. and I will still wear heels, simply because I don't think flip-flops, Birkenstocks, Crocs, etc. are what I consider feminine.

And there's no point in dressing if the stuff you're wearing doesn't feel feminine to you, right?

[susmitha]

natcrys is right. Dress appropriately, comfortably and in a feminine manner. Just blend in.

[Michelle789]

I agree with natcrys that the evening dress with glitter and 5 inch heels does have an appropriate time and place. However, I can guarantee that you can wear a dress (or skirt w/ top), hose, and flats (or 2-3 inch heels) with light makeup and pull it off. I am for situation appropriateness too, but I really think restricting yourself to jeans, t-shirt, and flip flops is going WAY too far. You can definitely enjoy the CD holy grails - the fun stuff - and still go out in most public situations. I also agree with natcrys that it's more important to feel feminine, and if what you wear makes you feel real feminine, then go for it.

But if you look at all the different types of women and girls during a day of shopping and chilling in a bar or restaurant afterwards.. you will see a lot of styles.

Exactly, that's why you don't need to restrict yourself to any one particular look, such as the soccer mom jeans and flip flops look. Blending in doesn't mean you wear the most common style or the most invisible or "most average" (like the soccer mom look). You can still blend in and have a variety of styles to choose from, including indulging in the CD holy grails.

Unfortunately, blending in has come to mean dressing like a soccer mom - perhaps because it's most invisible look, or maybe the "most average" look, however you want to define "average". The word "blending" has become such a button for me, because of it's misinterpreted meaning. I started talking about blending with other TG people in my local area, and several of us agree that blending has more to do with attitude - carrying yourself with confidence and being able to act naturally like a woman.

And there's no point in dressing if the stuff you're wearing doesn't feel feminine to you, right?

Clothes are important for any woman - for ciswomen, transwomen, and for CDers too. I suppose full time ciswomen or transwomen, especially ciswomen who were raised as female from day one, may be more likely to be content in jeans & flip flops because they have plenty of opportunities to dress up. For a CDer who only goes out occasionally, or a transwomen who waited 30, 40, or 50 years to transition, dressing up to the nines is far more important with limited opportunities, and I think with the fear that we might not have another opportunity to do so, or at least have to wait a very long time to do so.

[Beverley Sims]

Donna,
You learn all these tricks by experience.

[adrienner99]

I see GGS every day wearing t-shirts, jeans and sneakers. They don't look girly but they are unmistakably female. I wear five inch heels and searing red lip gloss at home, but typically do not dress that way in public. The few times I have shopped en femme, I wore flat shoes, a jeans skirt, a dark sweater or turtle neck, sunglasses and light makeup. I worked really hard to shave and use foundation, because facial hair is my biggest weakness...Doubtful if I really pass but have rarely had a problem...

[Michelle (Oz)]

'Blending' seems to be used in the context of not wanting to be noticed - a reasonable objective if lacking in confidence. Confidence and attitude make blending unimportant. Wear what makes you feel good, what feels right to you ... understanding that some folk may see you as 'different'. Even many of those who seek to blend will be seen as a man in a dress and therefore as 'different'. Embrace your difference and your style.

[Marcelle]

Blending (flying low under the radar) is something I prefer to do. It goes with my day job and lessons I learned in the art of camouflage (why things are seen). However, for blending is not about passing as very few of us (if any) truly do. For me it is about entering a venue in comfort without the beaming neon sign "GUY DRESSED AS A GIRL" above my head . . . people will get there soon enough so I don't want to hurry them along.

So when I dress I consider the venue, time of day and audience. If I go to a mall then capris, jeans, tops tend to be my modus operandi as that makes me feel comfortable and allows me to feel more confident. Do I pass? Not in a million years but passing is not my goal it is comfort. I also agree that getting dressed up is fine given the right circumstances. I spent the entire day on Friday as Isha with some GG friends. For lunch we went to a nice restaurant downtown so I wore a maxi skirt, light top, sandals, top, jewelry and lighter make-up. My GG friends were dressed similarly nice as were many other female patrons . . . so jeans and a top would have been out of place. At night we went out for drinks and to listen to some jazz so I wore and LBD, summer sweater, heels and slightly more pronounced make-up . . . again venue appropriate.

Hugs

Isha

[Stephanie Julianna]

Ditto to all the comments. I dress to blend. If I turn a head I assume it is because someone likes the look, not because they are thinknig, "Guy of Girl?" There is nothing better than going out shopping or to dinner and looking soo mainstream that no one takes notice except for an occasional "I love your shoes." from another (I assume) GG shopper or SA. But there is also the proper time for a girl to shine and want to rise above the crowd, like when going to a romantic dinner in 'after five' wear with killer heels and plunging neckline. After all, that's what the GG's do to 'blend' at night.

[Paulacder]

I have always "Dress to Blend". Seems like everyone wants to wear a micro mini with 5" heels, that's ok if your home in front of a mirror taking pics, but you will stick out like a sore thumb and attract tons of unwanted attention.

[jaye_cd]

I always just plan ahead on where I'm going and dress appropriately for the day. I'm 6'1" and thoroughly stand out when wearing heels so blending in as much as possible it important for me.