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Thread: Existing Somewhere in the Transgender Spectrum

  1. #1
    All girl, all the time! ❤ Felicia Dee's Avatar
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    Existing Somewhere in the Transgender Spectrum

    Hello Friends!

    Yipes! I've been away a WHILE... I'm SO SORRY! I hope everyone had a lovely holiday season!! As mentioned, I teach (technical anatomy for artists) and the last semester REALLY kept me on my toes! Ah well, such is life in academia...

    Things here in Wednesdayland have been up and down, as they are want to be when one is navigating the ins and outs of all things "transgender." I say that, because I have been frustrated with where I fit in all this. A few months ago, September and I began attending a monthly TG support group. In one room, all the spouses and partners and family members meetup to talk through their struggles and in another room are women transitioning to men, men transitioning to women and a few crossdressers.

    It's mostly a social get together. We discuss trans issues, personal victories... healthcare. Have cookies... It's nice. If you have access to such a group, I highly recommend it. For myself, it not only has helped me feel more connected but also has given me some real-world perspective of life outside the closet. Usually, we go out for drinks after. It's cool.

    I say ups and downs, because I often feel like the odd girl out. I have already tried transitioning and after a VERY painful year, decided that NO, that's not for me. Drag isn't it either... I'm not a caricature or a performer, I'm just a grrl trying to live her life. I'm not in this because of the clothes, except that they help me shed my male ego and allow me the freedom to explore my fem self. Sure, I want to look my best and enjoy fashion but mostly because blending in is my goal. I don't want to be harassed or mocked or worse and thus far, it has been that way. I go out with September or friends or as part of a group or solo and it's a non issue.

    I'm grateful for that.

    But my need to present as female is sporadic. If I averaged it out, I'd say that a third -- sometimes more, sometimes less -- of my time is in some variant of "Wednesday mode." The rest of the time, I find that I'm mostly content as male me. Ish.

    So where does that leave me?

    It's not a fetish... I don't get a sexual thrill out of being dressed... It's more emotional for me, more of a state of mind... an exploration of a part of me that I am still getting to know. So I've been away trying to figure it out.

    On my journey, I met Kit. She is a blogger, educator and musician. We seem cut from the same cloth -- when she writes, it's like she's peeked at my diary. If you are of similar ilk, check this out: cdmanifesto(dot)wordpress(dot)com.

    And comment below.
    XOX
    Last edited by Felicia Dee; 01-06-2015 at 04:56 PM.
    "I'm a work in progress..."

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    Member RylieCD's Avatar
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    Hi Wednesday, I am curious on what you mean by tried transitioning. I feel similarly to what you described, I know it is not fetish, and more than just crossdressing. I often just refer to myself as transgender or if I need to be more specific then a non- op MTF. I don't know if it is just fear of what I would loss if I transitioned, or not knowing if it right for me.

  3. #3
    All girl, all the time! ❤ Felicia Dee's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by RylieCD View Post
    Hi Wednesday, I am curious on what you mean by tried transitioning...
    Hi Rylie!!
    check this link:http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...Ask&highlight=

    Also, please feel free to PM me with any questions you may have.
    "I'm a work in progress..."

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    You know you don't have to fit any criteria to be yourself.
    No need to fit in a box so to speak.
    The more you delve into the hows and whys of transgender issues the more confused you can get.
    I know people feel the need to be accepted and try too hard sometimes and that seems where they let themselves get derailed in thought processes that lead to doubt and wonder why there are the way they are.
    Once you get past all of that and accept who you are personally the old adage "free your mind and your ass will follow" comes in to play.
    Last edited by Tracii G; 01-06-2015 at 05:22 PM.

  5. #5
    All girl, all the time! ❤ Felicia Dee's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tracii G View Post
    ... The more you delve into the hows and whys of transgender issues the more confused you can get...
    Tracii. Yes... And thanks for your comment. I'm not one for labels or fitting in boxes, either -- but sometimes it's hard not to feel a little lonely...
    "I'm a work in progress..."

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    I mix the genders in everyday life not totally andro in appearance but a mix of male and female clothing.I use the term 50/50 for the way I present.
    I may wear eyeliner or mascara in 50/50 mode on some days just depends on how I feel that day.
    Been doing it that way for several years and my friends don't think anything of it and its just the normal me to them.
    Do they think I'm a CD,gay or just out there? I really don't know and to them it doesn't seem to matter at this point.
    When the guys talk about sex,wives or women I stay quiet.
    When the convo switches to gays or lesbians I just say it doesn't matter to me who sleeps with who its none of my business.
    Last edited by Tracii G; 01-06-2015 at 05:38 PM.

  7. #7
    All girl, all the time! ❤ Felicia Dee's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tracii G View Post
    I mix the genders in everyday life not totally andro in appearance but a mix of male and female clothing.I use the term 50/50 for the way I present.
    I may wear eyeliner or mascara in 50/50 mode on some days just depends on how I feel that day.
    Been doing it that way for several years and my friends don't think anything of it and its just the normal me to them.
    Do they think I'm a CD,gay or just out there? I really don't know and to them it doesn't seem to matter at this point.
    When the guys talk about sex,wives or women I stay quiet.
    When the convo switches to gays or lesbians I just say it doesn't matter to me who sleeps with who its none of my business.
    Seems like you are in a relatively comfortable place.
    "I'm a work in progress..."

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    Diamond Member Persephone's Avatar
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    If you need a label why not "human"?

    In my mind most of the labels are pretty arbitrary anyway. Be you, labels are for food jars.


    Hugs,
    Persephone.
    "If you are living the life you want to live you've successfully transitioned to being the person you want to be." - Eryn.

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    -.-. --.-/-.-. --.-/-.-. -../ Persephone™ and Persephone™ are trademarks of Persephone herself, accept no substitutes. The terms "en femme" and "en drab" originated with Marcia Sampson/Staylace (OBM).

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    W:

    I am also an Ohioan, but I left in '90.

    Anyway, Transgender covers a broad spectrum of people, activities and intensities. In short, we're just all over the map. I've read similar thoughts by others, so you are not alone in this. I would say that your needs are of fairly mild intensity. There are some who need more; there are some who need less. There is no right or wrong to this. I think it comes down to a matter of what YOU need to do, independent of what else is going on in the world.

    Dressing does provide a gateway to expressing feelings and desires that we would not normally have access to.

  10. #10
    Member Nadya's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Wednesday View Post
    ... sometimes it's hard not to feel a little lonely...
    I go through phases of wanting somewhere to belong to but not knowing exactly where I fit in. Feeling lonely happens to me and I'm not sure really what causes me to feel that way on some days and not others. When I dress, I feel I can let some of my "less-manly" mannerisms or interests shine through. Sometimes I don't realize how tense I feel keeping it bottled up after a while.

  11. #11
    Senior Member Hell on Heels's Avatar
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    Hell-o Wednesday,
    I never really cared if i was covered by the TG umbrella (it never rains in CA anyway)
    Although reading all the posts here that we, as CD'ers, are in the spectrum of TG, I related the same info to my SO
    when I was explaining my CDing to her. That really got her concerned, she heard transgender and thought, uh oh he's
    gonna transition. I assured her I had no plans to do so, but could tell she had doubts.
    She went on to question a Doc that she knows, who works with TG kids. She did it discretely, saying her nephew was a CDer,
    and she wanted to be supportive. she went on to ask if this nephew should be considered TG. My So said she answered "no he's not" , more than likely there was more to her answer, but this is the info I got from my SO.
    What I'm getting at here is, there are many differing opinions on something that really shouldn't matter.
    The U.S. supreme court made a ruling that tomatoes were to be considered a vegetable, not a fruit. Who cares? Right?
    Well they did that to collect tariffs on the vegetable, which didn't apply to a fruit.
    Until there is something to be gained or lost, just enjoy life, and be you!
    Much Love,
    Kristyn
    I smile because you are my friend, and
    I laugh because there is nothing you can do about it!!!

  12. #12
    Curmudgeon Member donnalee's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Hell on Heels View Post
    .
    The U.S. supreme court made a ruling that tomatoes were to be considered a vegetable, not a fruit. Who cares? Right?
    Well they did that to collect tariffs on the vegetable, which didn't apply to a fruit.
    I wish California would recognize it. I'm getting to resent paying $0.10 extra for a bottle of V-8
    Last edited by donnalee; 01-17-2015 at 05:24 AM.
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    Hi Wednesday . . . as many know here, I am not a label gal. My split between Isha and boy me is about 40/60 and I don't mix the two (I am one or the other) so in a way we are similar. I don't like to pigeon hole myself and when I discuss this aspect of my life with friends and family I refer to myself as Transgender and go on to explain what that means as it provides a good starting point. Most of my friends will say so you are a "cross dresser" and if that works for them to understand I say "yes". However, in my own mind I am me, the way I was meant to be. I don't change dependant on presentation I am still the same person, just wrapped differently.

    All this to say, I like Tracii G's advice, don't get too wrapped up on where you fall . . . you are you, that's all that counts.

    Hugs

    Isha

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    Claire Claire Cook's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Wednesday View Post
    Hello Friends!

    It's not a fetish... I don't get a sexual thrill out of being dressed... It's more emotional for me, more of a state of mind... an exploration of a part of me that I am still getting to know. So I've been away trying to figure it out.

    XOX
    Hi Wednesday,

    Believe me, you have lots of good company here. How do we figure this out? I guess my way is just to follow my nose (boobs?) and see where it (they) lead. I agree with all of the above comments about not worrying about labels -- you are yourself. BTW, we used to live in Columbus and that is where Claire made her first public appearance ... on a bicycle ride. (We never forget these, do we?)
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC] Proud member of the Lacey Leigh Fan Club

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    Let me see if I can help you figure out where you belong within the transgendered spectrum, Wednesday. Take a pencil and draw a straight line (like a number line in math). Take your pencil and place a dot on the line wherever you want. That is where you belong. You are at the beginning, end, or someplace in between just like the rest of us. You see, it doesn't matter where you fit in. You just do. As long as you are happy doing what you are doing, it just doesn't matter.

  16. #16
    Silver Member AmandaM's Avatar
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    If you look up some of my historical threads, I struggle with this too. I spend some time asking myself questions to try to define my feelings and I think it helps. Things like: Would I change sex if I could never pass? Do I see myself better as an old man or old woman? Stuff like that. Pick your own questions based on your inner feelings.

  17. #17
    Member AletaHawk's Avatar
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    So glad this thread appeared. I've been struggling heavily with this the past few months - since I joined this board really. Waking up to a whole new universe of understanding has been hard. I nearly came out to the rest of the world this week because I'm so tired of living what feels like a lie but I know I'm not ready for that yet.

    I completely understand what you're going through, Wednesday. On your advice, I'm going to start looking for a support group too.
    I'm a girl when I feel like it

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    I just wanted to say, make sure you are ready to come out before letting the cat out of the bag then regretting it. You can't take it back once it is out there.
    Last edited by Lorileah; 01-09-2015 at 04:55 PM. Reason: no need to quote whole post above yours

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    Member AletaHawk's Avatar
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    Exactly why I didn't pull the trigger.
    I'm a girl when I feel like it

  20. #20
    All girl, all the time! ❤ Felicia Dee's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jorja View Post
    I just wanted to say, make sure you are ready to come out before letting the cat out of the bag then regretting it. You can't take it back once it is out there.
    Is anyone really "ready?" If it's you being you... I mean, if one is waiting for the "right time" to come out, that person could be waiting a LONG time, no?

    Anyways.

    Thanks all, for your comments. I'm doing my best to navigate the ins and outs of my other half. That said, simply shrugging my shoulders and saying "I'm me" feels too much like a cop-out. Can't do it. Props to those who can. My issue, perhaps, is that I'm not exactly clear on who this "ME" person is. Call it an existential crisis...

    xox
    "I'm a work in progress..."

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    Junior Member Lisa-N's Avatar
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    Hi Wednesday,
    I feel exactly the same as you. Its not the just the clothes anymore, they are the tool to let my feminine side free. In the past couple of months I have gone out multiple times to the grocery store, the mall etc. I love the feeling of freedom it gives me. In my constant search of what defines me the closest I can find is bi-gender, having both male and female components and switching back and forth depending on how I feel. So i guess am somewhere along the spectrum too.

    Wishing you the best drop e a line sometime I would like to explore this further.

    Lisa

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    I wonder if coming out would ruin for me what is an essential thrill of Cd'ing , that being my little and wonderful secret.
    ie:the danger of getting caught. So far, soooooo good!

    But as far a labels, as I've said in this forum before, the LGBT label, which has almost become cliche, doesn't really reflect how I feel. And when I see a pride parade I find the spectre of gay men and drag queens in freak wigs with nerf ball boobs insulting to not just me but to women in general. There is so much more to womanhood than extreme boobs and diving-board eyelashes.

    We should declare ourselves not a part of that. We love to enhance our physical gifts in a way that society currently calls feminine...that's all.
    Last edited by ophelia; 01-09-2015 at 08:39 PM.

  23. #23
    Member AletaHawk's Avatar
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    For me, it's the exact opposite. I feel like I'm living a lie by not acknowledging that I'm gender-fluid, that I'm somehow doing my child a disservice by not being honest with the world. Sure there are safety reasons as well, but more and more it feels like society is adopting a live-and-let-live attitude, and for me to not embrace that is sending the wrong message.

    Quote Originally Posted by Lisa-N View Post
    n my constant search of what defines me the closest I can find is bi-gender, having both male and female components and switching back and forth depending on how I feel.

    Lisa
    Lisa & Wednesday, do you find you transition between modes when you wake up, or does the change happen throughout the day? I've experienced both. Curious how others are experiencing it.
    Last edited by Katey888; 01-15-2015 at 03:19 PM. Reason: Consecutive posts merged - please use edit post to add to existing post rather than adding a successive post...
    I'm a girl when I feel like it

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    I know how you feel. I don't consider myself particularly connected to any one gender role. Both me and my classify as "gender fluid" though I'd say I'm moreso than her.

  25. #25
    Silver Member DebbieL's Avatar
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    Keep in mind that being transgender is a wide spectrum, from someone who is completely cis-gender (0), to someone who is a "transition or die" transsexual (6).

    It's been a while since I looked at the Benjamin scale but using 1 line summaries, here are some of the intermediate grades.

    1 - cisgender but enjoys wearing feminine items, usually for sexual pleasure, and loses desire to dress shortly after climax.
    2 - cisgender most of the time, but enjoys cross-dressing, looking and acting like a girl as much as possible and practical, but privately.
    3 - cross-dresser, enjoys dressing in private and with carefully selected friends in safe environments, such as support groups.
    4 - cross-dresser, enjoys dressing up frequently and is willing to take measures to make sure they can pass, but does not wish to transition.
    5 - transsexual, the "girl trapped in a man's body" - would like to transition but not willing to do the pain, risk, and changes required for transition, desire is there.
    6 - "transition or die" transsexual - aware of gender dysphoria at young age, had trouble "passing" as a guy, has wanted to transition from early age.

    Sometimes, knowing what you are can be confusing. There are people who may seem totally cisgender who simply feared reprisals but secretly have the desire to transition. The "shift" is not actually a change in who you are, but rather the struggle of circumstances vs true identity.

    The OP, if they had a magic wand that could turn them into a better than average boy or a better than average girl, would be switching back and forth regularly, perhaps a 3 to 4 on the scale.

    A type 6 transsexual would turn themselves into a girl, and then break the wand, or give it to someone far away to be sure that nobody could ever change them back.

    A type 5 transsexual would want to know that they could keep their wife, children, job, house, and anything else they have built as a male.

    A type 4 would be worried about what others think, and would want to keep friends, family, and everything else.

    A type 3 would flip back and forth, but only if they could be unrecognized when they are in "girl mode", they would want to keep their male life completely separate from their girl life - with a few exceptions.

    A type 2 would enjoy having breasts, maybe even for a whole day, but since they are not going out, wouldn't even think about shaving legs, plucking eyebrows, or other changes, even short term.

    A type 1 might enjoy breasts for an hour, but as soon as they had their satisfaction, they would want everything back to normal.

    If you are a type 2 or 3, you probably don't want to come out, because there isn't really a commitment to make any permanent changes. On the other hand, if you are a 5 or 6, you probably have hard time passing as male. People may think you are gay, or just "too nice". Even with coaching, many of your movements, mannerisms, and behaviors are feminine and you aren't even aware that you are doing it.

    Being in the middle is probably the most awkward place of all. The desire to change is there, but the external forces are too much to risk.
    Last edited by DebbieL; 01-11-2015 at 11:08 PM.
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