Recently I've gotten to the point where I'm being crushed by my issues. I've come to accept that I am a cross dresser but dealing with it through life has been difficult at best. This is the first time in 23 years of doing this that I've talked to a large group of people about this...
I was twelve when I started, I can still remember the very first thing I noticed was a classmate's bra strap. I wondered what it felt like to wear girls clothing and soon found my mothers stuff as well as some hand-me-down things from an older cousin given to my sister. It was always sexual for me, I'd get the release and then I'd be right back to doing normal boy stuff. In fact if there had never been any cross dressing my teenage years would have been typical of any male.
As I got older I acquired a small stash of clothing I would use. I dated women and enjoyed being around them but there was always this itch to scratch.... Lingerie and formal wear were always in demand, anything with satin really just did it for me. This went on for years, hiding the shame and almost getting busted a few times.
My family was a disaster, a distant mother addicted to gambling and a policeman father who ruled with an iron fist. My parents spent my sister and I's formative years working or going to school or both. They were rarely around and always chasing after building a big bank account. I was never good enough, only my failures were expounded upon while the good seemed to go unnoticed most of the time. I knew if my father found out what I was that it would be unacceptable and his wrath was nothing to face without good reason.
I had a hard time in my 20's. I've always had a hard time relating to people or getting close to them. My grandfather was the exception, we were cut from the same cloth, but he died before I got out of high school and I still feel the loss today. I was unable to decide on a career path and spent a decade on a sex fueled cross dressing spiral of abuse and depression. Suicide seemed an option at some points, it seemed tougher to live than to end it all but I was scared to do that. It seemed a line right out of the old Sam Cooke song... "I'm scared of livin' but I'm afraid to die.... 'cause I don't know what's up there beyond the sky..."
I reconnected with my high school girlfriend 6 years ago at the end of my black time. She was everything I wasn't... smart, caring, and lovable. We soon fell in love again and married. The cross dressing faded to nothing. I wasn't sad to see it go as it had been replaced with something that felt better and had no shame. Our first year was wonderful but soon the cross dressing started to creep back in. I've never carried a secret well and eventually I told her. She took it well but had concerns... what spouse wouldn't I guess.
This new stage of life involved resisting urges and fighting cross dressing with everything I had. It was an exhausting fight, depression returned and I grew angry. I became someone I didn't recognize, someone prone to angry outbursts including throwing stuff or destroying things. It didn't take much to set me off, any old small thing seemed to let loose the fury that had penned up inside me. I found myself saying the most horrible things to my wife also... we both hurt after these episodes, truly a sad affair.
Since I considered myself a Christian we went to Christian counseling. The lady was very helpful but here advice with the cross dressing was to just stop. This I did but the outcome was more anger at everyone including god. I withdrew into myself and stopped going out in public, I hated people and wanted nothing to do with them. Depression sapped my energy and I lost interest in my hobbies.
All the while the urges grew from just wanting to wear the cloths for a sexual release to more practical use. I now wanted to sleep in them or just relax around the house in them. The harder I fought the worse it got. I broke my relationship with god, I wondered how such a loving being could saddle me with this and expect me to give thanks. I was angry because after my parents had divorced I swore that I would not fail at marriage and here I was with such a problem that success seemed unattainable. Suicide once again felt like the only way out...
It was a sunny morning one day when I finally accepted that I was a cross dresser. I could take no more of the mental fight going on in my brain. I gave up and just thought "oh well", its just the way it is. I still spend a lot of time wondering what my purpose is hear on earth. With all these conflicting issues is a tough one to figure out.
Since then some things have improved but some have not. There is still a lot of tension in the house. My wife does not like cross dressing, and I understand that. She has offered to allow some dressing during intimate times but her disdain for cross dressing keeps me for acting out on those impulses. She is actually very good about talking to me about it. She is the one that will usually start a conversation but I have a hard time talking about it. Maybe because I spent two decades keeping it a secret its hard for me to get it out there. I am also a very shy person and very mindful of her feelings, I hate causing her sorrow. Sometimes I feel like she thinks if we just talk about it I don't actually have to do it and that that's an ok substitute. I feel like a criminal in my own house some days.
Its tough dealing with these feelings of envy and jealousy towards women. Frustrating because I feel my time would be better spent elsewhere being more productive. I get extremely sad sometimes because I stop myself from buying clothes that would make me feel good to wear. We're just getting by right now so there isn't any money for this stuff anyway, that helps because I couldn't do it even if I had a green light.
So that's where I'm at, I'd give my time here on the planet a C- so far. It does feel good to get this off my chest, sometimes my back is so sore and tight from the stress of all this it feels like its going to snap. Thanks for listening...
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crossdressing...theirs an app for that 
