Thanks everyone for your thoughts... I'm going to try and respond as best as I can from my cell phone...
My avatar is how I feel. I'm not going to actually set myself on fire, but truth be told, I can't stand this side of me right now. It causes me a ton of pain and aggravation that I cannot put into words at all.
I guess the concept of "weird" is subjective. I feel weird. Right now I don't see how I'm not weird. Normal people enjoy life and seem to not have these issues which shut their lives down. Right now I'm barely functioning. I go to work and come home. I rarely allow myself to dress because I feel like a Dumbass when I do it. However when I'm dressed that's when the noise stops and I get a small amount of peace. And washing it all off and putting it all away absolutely kills me.
I hate myself. I know that many of y'all don't get that, but its how I feel. I hate life right now, and while I know I'm living in a prison of my own making, I feel powerless to do anything about it.
I'm glad i went to the doctor. I know in my heart I need to deal with this problem I've been running from for 30 years. But I couldn't even bring myself to say the words crossdress or transexual yesterday. My anxiety had me freaking out for most of the visit. I could barely tell her about my normal life, let alone this side of me.
I don't know how much advice I need, I just need to know that I'm not alone in this. 90% of what I've read on this forum has been lollipops and unicorns. I often feel that I don't belong because that's not the experience I'm having with it at all. My experience is shame and self loathing followed with trying to suppress the need and the dysphoria I get from dumb shit like walking thru Target and how all of their women's items are in the front of the store.
