So I finally went to a gender therapist and somehow I'm even more stressed out. Ive spent 30 years running from myself and now I've got the opportunity to deal with it but I'm terrified.
I can't quite explain what I'm feeling other than terror. But I can't quite put to words what I'm scared of. Im so ****ing anxious right now. My nerves are shot, I don't feel like I can deal with it. I don't want to hide from this anymore, but its all I know to do.
I need to cry, but I can't. I feel so anxious that I can't breathe.
The doctor said hormones should help clear my mind, and settle down some of the anxiety I feel. But I don't know how I'm going to deal with all of the shame and embarrassment I feel because I'm not normal and people will finally know I'm not normal like them. I think in the limited interactions I have with people right now, no one would ever guess what kind of weirdo I am. But to go down the path of finding myself,I would be opening myself up to something I dont think I can handle. I can't handle my basic life, how in the world am I going to handle this on top of it.
I know I'm making things worse than what they are... But this is what I do mentally. I don't know if I'll ever break out of doing that to myself, its what I've always done. I'm boiling over right now.