I hope the different perspectives here have given you some food for thought Ashley.
PaulaQ's advice is true for her, for her experience, but my instinct is with ReineD - that if you can possibly bear to, try to deal with your other emotional issues, with therapy and/or medication, before taking the radical step of HRT. Such important decisions are best made from a place of stability and posivity.
Because the crossdressing is so physically visible you focus strongly on it as evidence of your weirdness, yet to every one of us on this forum, the crossdressing itself, and your physical appearance when dressed, aren't weird at all. You may still feel weird despite our votes to the contrary, but look at what you're saying- one member at least has told you clearly that they find you very attractive when crossdressed, and the rest of us certainly think of you as 'one of the crowd', so please at least give us the benefit of the doubt and downgrade the 'weird' to 'kinda different', otherwise you're in effect saying we're all weird.
Like some others here, I question the wisdom of your present therapist. My own experiences with therapists have largely been positive, but I've read some horror stories here: there are people out there working as therapists who have no earthly right to be let loose on another human being. I'm not suggesting yours is on that level of incompetence, or even that they're necessarily wrong in their assessment of you, but it's something to bear in mind. At least consider seeing another, qualified in gender dysphoria and related issues, before putting all your money on one horse.
As for your self-negativity, which has disturbed some here, I'm fine with you describing yourself in whatever terms you like and see it as simple honesty. You communicate clearly and don't pussyfoot around. Your life is a very tough place, and you are locked in a fierce struggle. But you have come here, where you are among very sympathetic friends, and to have taken that step suggests you see a glimmer of hope, however small.
You've been responding as this thread has gone along and I very much hope you continue to do so, as you have a lot of us very concerned for you. It's hard only to be able to comfort and support you via a keyboard and a screen, but we will continue to do the best we can.
Count me among the many here who wish you the best of luck and all the good things you would wish for yourself.
Hugs, Nikki
